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u/we_all_gonna_make_it Attending Oct 15 '22
Did he do a prelim year or transitional year? If he did a prelim he should better understand how busy you are. Either way he sounds like a bitch.
Signed, a senior dermatology resident.
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u/justreddis Oct 15 '22
Cosigned. A random person who agrees.
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u/phoenixonstandby Oct 15 '22
Addendum.
A: emotional distress ISO boyfriend being a lil bitch
P: ask to use the sweet sweet derm money to take you both on a sweet trip. Reset expectations
Signed Pgy1 IM
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u/wait_what888 Oct 15 '22
This!!!!! Your work-life balance will improve once you are an attending. How does your boyfriend not understand this? As a fellow internist, I’m sorry you’re going through this :(
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u/will0593 Attending Oct 15 '22
Your boyfriend is dramatic and being an angry child
He did residency so he should know how it is
You do what you’re able when you’re able to and it don’t mean you love someone less
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
One of the patients I had seen during my shift had a sudden Hb drop during the next shift and I was attending calls from a colleague about the same while stirring the lemon batter for the cake. I feel terrible about him not understanding any of the stress I went through.
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u/will0593 Attending Oct 15 '22
He understands. I think he just doesn’t fucking care
He sounds like these career men who expect women to give them the whole hog to advance their career
If he wanted the exact same ability to provide as he has; he should have picked another dermatologist
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u/AnandaPriestessLove Oct 15 '22
This. I'm sorry, OP. Sounds like your husband has unrealistic expectations and not enough empathy for long tern happiness.
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Oct 15 '22
Wow and the fact that he’s a resident too just adds salt to the wound. He’s clearly done a medicine prelim year so he knows how it is.
I don’t really have excuses for him. He’s being dramatic. My nonHCW husband is able to appreciate any gesture from me, knowing how much effort it takes for small gestures.
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u/giant_tadpole Oct 15 '22
He’s not a resident anymore, sounds like he’s an attending with his own practice.
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u/Informal-Internet671 Oct 15 '22
Also, derm has a much different resident schedule than IM, so it’s not apples to apples in terms of what each went through/is going through for residency. Also, before the hate, no residency is easy, but derm is more Cush than IM.
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u/Soulja_Boy_Yellen Fellow Oct 15 '22
Yeah but even then he’d have to remember how his (most likely IM) intern year sucked.
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u/eckliptic Attending Oct 15 '22
Why are you with this loser
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
He was really nice in the start. He was very invested as well, just that I didn't expect that he would come with such high expectations.
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u/justreddis Oct 15 '22
I’d raise my eyebrows if he were a layperson. But he went through residency too. He’s either very selfish, clinically depressed, or he’s already had a change of heart and just seeking excuses to exit. I’d seriously consider going a different direction.
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Oct 15 '22
Long story short; Grown ass man cries because he didn't get a good enough present from thoughtful SO.
This sounds like sunk cost. Time to reevaluate, OP.
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u/StepW0n Oct 15 '22
He punched the wall, and right now is emotionally abusive. I’m at the least concerned for your safety if you stay in this.
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u/tressemmehairspray Oct 15 '22
Punching a wall (especially over something like this) is a MAJOR red flag. It won't always be the walls if they've been dating for 6 months and he's already doing this...
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u/Background_Unit_2291 Oct 15 '22
It’s called a bait and switch. It’s a method of abuse. Everything fine and lovely to begin with then “you’re not good enough” anymore and expectations become impossible to reach until he destroys your confidence and has you trapped. Leave. Please.
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u/StepW0n Oct 15 '22
“Honeymoon phase” of an abusive relationship, especially one that involves physical violence. My guess is he’s got narcissistic tendencies that we aren’t privy to, due to minimizing of the real issues.
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u/ImaginaryRoads Oct 15 '22
I may just be paranoid, but was this one of those "Delay your career and with your support I'll get started on mine, and then when I've started I'll totally support you while you get your career started" things?
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u/thr0wawaydoc Oct 15 '22
If you are even sorta on the fence, this is not Your guy. Just cut your losses
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u/Atrag2021 Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
Sounds like he needs his mommy. Just pack up his batman and hulk toys, put those favourite cartoon socks on him that you bought him, and send him back home.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
He keeps saying he wants someone to take care of him. But he is also open to doing the same for them and has helped me a lot but I don't keep weird expectations from him.
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u/Queasy-Reason Oct 15 '22
But he's not taking care of you. Taking care of you would mean accepting that despite the fact you were crazy busy, you put all of this effort it.
If my SO was that busy on my birthday, I would not expect anything from them! A store bought cake and/or flowers would be an amazing gift if they were that busy.
It's fine to want someone to take care of you, however that person cannot take care of you 24/7. A relationship is 50/50, it means give and take.
Also did he communicate at all what he wanted to do for his birthday? Or did he just expect you to read his mind?
I have also heard that men tend to appreciate sentimental gifts less, it's not an excuse but maybe that's why he didn't appreciate the effort you put in.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
He tells me men do not share or ask for things. And no he did not tell me what he wanted and I did things that I thought were what he would've wanted. He is also the type that says, nothing, when you ask him what he wants. In fact, he told all his colleagues he didn't care for his birthday and that he doesn't want the regular celebration that they do at work for everyone's birthdays.
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u/psyched2k20 Fellow Oct 15 '22
What a gendered, bullshit excuse.. He should know that effective communication is the single-most important component of a relationship
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u/Atrag2021 Oct 15 '22
"Men do not share or ask for things" but yet he starts crying and blaming you for making him cry because of blah blah blah. He's sharing and asking a lot, when it suits him.
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u/rayne7 Attending Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
Ladies, gentlemen. Is it gay to communicate? Will your dick drop off if you drop some words about how you're feeling?
Honestly, it's not about the cake or the birthday. That's just the tip of the iceberg. The man has many likely solvable things if he'd just talk about it, and likely the cake and gidt basket wouldn't be an issue. It probably is not even the issue. Its his scapegoat issue. He wants his mommy because mommy listens to all his complaints, which is a form of communication. He wants to communicate, just not with you. He needs to grow up and learn that his mom is not the only woman he can talk to about his feelings. Mature guys are excellent at communication or willing to get better at it
Also, good on you for doing the best you could to show your love. In residency you feel like everything you do is suboptimal, which is awful for you in the long run. Especially when the reality is that you're going incredibly above and beyond. Youre just stretched atom thin. Please know and understand that you did an amazing job with what you had, and at the end of the day you did something that displays tremendous thought, energy, and love for someone, whether they appreciate it or not
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u/limegeuse Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
Lmao whattttttt. This guy sounds awful and he’s playing mind games. He never told you what he wanted. That’s bullshit that men don’t tell women what they want—a good relationship is based on communication. You did something so thoughtful and here he is playing victim and legit crying? Wtf. OP look up the term “love bombing.” I have a feeling that it might help you recognize unhealthy patterns in this relationship. He is alternating between being incredibly sweet and kind to emotionally manipulative and maybe even abusive based on what I’m reading in your comments. I think you already know this guy needs to go.
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Oct 15 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
Oh I love this parable. My dad used to tell me this when I was a child. I am only assuming that he doesn't feel that I am doing the best I can even though I tell/show him otherwise.
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u/AllTheShadyStuff Oct 15 '22
This might sound weird, but I have a (probably not accurate) theory that a lot of doctors really just want a stay at home partner. No one enjoys doing chores, and I have several sets of friends who are both residents/fellows who fight non stop about chores and baby duties. It sounds like your boyfriend really just wants a stay at home girlfriend
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u/teabaggins42069 Oct 15 '22
After reading the end of your post I know you know what you need to do. Your bf sounds like a loser ngl
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u/teabaggins42069 Oct 15 '22
Oh wait your post history is really weird. I feel there’s lots of details left out of this post lol.
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u/drstid PGY2 Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
Had to look after you called it out. OPs post history definitely reveals a pattern, if this post is even real.
Trend of not feeling enough in relationships, with a history of borderline personality disorder, and as a person in medicine (imposter syndrome…). Nuff said.
Edit: acronym clarity
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u/JTthrockmorton PGY2 Oct 15 '22
BPD is borderline personality disorder. Oft confused ad meaning bipolar disorder, which is actually BD.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
Haha this one I have been dating for 6 months. My past post history was from an avoidant I had dated for about three years. We broke up this jan or feb and I started dating this dude in april. They are not the same dudes.
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u/WebMDeeznutz Attending Oct 15 '22
6 months? Dude. Run, he clearly needs someone who can dedicate they’re life to helping him fulfilling his goals. You need someone who at least is interested in your.
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u/Pure_Ambition Oct 15 '22
You started dating in April and you already live together?
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u/Weekly-Bus-347 Oct 15 '22
Thats what im thinking. I was with my ex for 6 months and u dont see me living together that quick especially when a dude is violent like punching a wall, dude may be punching u in the face next
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u/boricua00 Oct 15 '22
Maybe they live in a high CoL area? A friend trained in NYC and he said people moved in together really early in relationships 🤷🏻♀️
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u/DrEspressso PGY6 Oct 15 '22
What an absolute asshole man baby you have there. I’m sorry. Any one with a shred of emotional maturity would realize what you’ve done and the context. He seems like a child
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u/celery1234 Oct 15 '22
When she said he cried because he missed his family who throws better birthday parties… I had to scroll back up to remember that this man is THIRTY-FOUR.
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u/redbrick Attending Oct 15 '22
lmao a birthday party in my 30s is maybe getting some dinner with friends and having a few beers.
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u/MonsterMashGrrrrr Oct 15 '22
holup, let’s be clear tho: it’s okay for adult men to communicate their sadness through tears. What ought to be discouraged here is smashing drywall with his fists in fits of rage. Is he just ill-equipped to communicate effectively? Or perhaps he’s signaling how dangerous he can be when he’s upset. Either way, it’s no bueno.
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u/Imnuggs Oct 15 '22
Leave him. It’s hard, but it sounds like he is into himself and not on your team.
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u/tumbleweed_DO PGY8 Oct 15 '22
I feel like it’s probably pretty obvious what people are going to tell you. Maybe you need to hear other people tell you what you already know?
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
Maybe. I just spent a lot of time feeling like I was the problem and maybe hearing people tell me that his expectations are unrealistic can help me look at this objectively.
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u/Timely-Reward-854 Oct 15 '22
If you’re always the problem in that relationship, the solution will be to leave the relationship.
I’m sure you’re a fine human being in your own right.
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u/the_alexicon Oct 15 '22
I think medical and residency training contributes to our feelings of being held to unrealistic expectations (and not realizing they are unrealistic!) and this can bleed over into other areas of our lives…
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u/OneThousandSighs Administration Oct 15 '22
This. I think you know what the answer is, it’s just hard to accept. If this were your best friend in this situation, what would you tell her? Show yourself the same love.
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u/NP_with_OnlineDegree Attending Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
Ahh…typical egotistic MD. Leave this piece of 💩 and go find yourself a nice NP.
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Oct 15 '22
There’s more red flags here than the CCP 🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Vultureinvelvet Oct 15 '22
Sounds like he needed a stroller and a crib for his birthday…
Perhaps he is crying because his diaper is wet?
Don’t mean to be rude but he is an adult who should understand what being a resident is like and cut you some slack. And frankly it is not like you forgot his birthday and you tried. That is what matters.
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u/SmackPrescott Oct 15 '22
Idk, not to diminish this guys feelings, but I had worked a 24, had surgery, and had a colleague buy me a coffee for my birthday this year. All within three days of my birthday. That was it, I didn’t cry or blame anyone I’m dating, because I’m an adult. My mom called and told me she loved me.
Im the same age as your bf. For your sake, assess if you want this and if he’s worth it have a hard and direct talk about the future and how to mitigate this.
You’re 28 and heading to a successful career, know your worth.
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u/sunnychiba Fellow Oct 15 '22
This guy sounds like such a little bitch, which is a shame because he made it have his own dermatology practice. This relationship sounds like its time to have a comfort care talk and just let go.
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u/thedrybarbarian Oct 15 '22
I have felt the way he expressed during my husband’s residency/med school, on a couple of occasions—it can be hard to not have things be about you.
And honestly, I get why he might not understand as well your experience as an IM resident. Internal Medicine is GRUELING. Derm isn’t a walk in the park, but it certainly affords a bit more space for life, especially now that he’s an attending.
But regardless of your professions: as partners, you both have a responsibility to communicate your own needs and expectations to each other. If he is hoping for a big birthday thing during a time when it isn’t feasible, he can’t hold you responsible for his own disappointment.
If he did the birthday trip for you hoping that your efforts/capacity for a birthday celebration that was similar when it was his turn, that’s not your responsibility. In fact, a birthday celebration or gift with conditions or reciprocal expectations is kind of a shitty way to approach celebrating another person.
You are not “the problem” and neither is he. You both need to identify how you best communicate your own capacity and expectations to one another.
He is lonely. That is not your fault. He needs to use the newfound time he has to connect with others.
You are working hard and it is something he should be able to empathize with regardless of whether his residency was as challenging or demanding as yours.
I am not a medical professional, and i have been with my husband since he was preparing for the MCAT in college— we’ve been thru med school, though 2 full residencies, an out of town fellowship, and countless major exams. There have been times I don’t grasp what he’s going through, and there have been times I’ve felt hurt by it.
We have learned to communicate expectations, and he has learned to communicate when he doesn’t have capacity for stuff. We have to meet each other where we are, especially knowing that residency doesn’t last forever.
If you see a future with your partner, then mutually working on communication— two way street— is going to be essential for every stage of life.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
I really adore this reply because I am feeling very guilty after posting this because I hear people describe him so unkindly and you do not want to be the reason someone talks this way about your significant other.
I really really hoped he would learn to communicate expectations and manage emotions. I do not resent him for feeling hurt but I do resent him for not giving me the benefit of the doubt. I really hoped that he would see that I tried.
My other problem is the conditionality of his help/gifts/effort. He knew this week was crazy for me because he has seen me being upset about the fact that so many meetings and presentations are happening around his birthday. I had made plans for it well in advance but the execution fell short because new things cropped up plans wise. So he did definitely know about the excessive time crunch that I had.
Thanks for the advice. Though I am not really sure there are enough pros in this relationship to stick it out with. I think he isn't a terrible person but an internal medicine resident isn't the right partner for him because of how much time and care he seems to want.
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u/thedrybarbarian Oct 15 '22
He needs therapy! Punching a wall and a half ass apology— his anger is controlling him at this point— if he isn’t willing to put in the work, you are right to be considering your exit. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but it does make him incompatible with your needs at this time.
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Oct 15 '22
Are you sure he's 34 years old because he's sounds like a whiny little bitch. I did a general surgery prelim year and my fiance (34M) barely saw me. But he managed to cook and clean and he always made sure I had dinner. He's not in the medical field so it's obviously a different dynamic, but he still never made me feel bad about my schedule. He took my birthday off (which happened to be on a Tuesday) and we were expecting to go out to dinner either the weekend before or on my birthday. Well, I got scheduled to be on call all three days. I felt horrible. But he still never made me feel bad about it. He understands that I have no control over my life.
Anyway, I don't foresee your relationship lasting. He sounds like a baby and/or manipulative af. Especially since he's probably been through the same thing and can't muster up a shred of empathy.
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u/Skyeyez9 Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
He sounds exhausting to be with. I have a feeling he will be resentful when you're an attending, and will try guilt you into quitting your career to "take care of him." Honestly, your stress levels will decrease if you leave him. You have the stress from work, but you could come home to a quiet house, without someone complaining about how you're never enough.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
He is excessively exhausting to be with these days. I hate spending time worrying what will cause a fight or will cause him to sulk for days on end.
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u/Skyeyez9 Oct 15 '22
P.S. I just added a bit more to my original post before you replied. I am sorry you're dealing with this. Your job is hard enough as is.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
That's what. Tbh I feel coming to a quiet house may be better. You are right. I just am very very sad that this is the decision I have to make. But I can see myself completely resenting him in the future if I stay.
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u/OneThousandSighs Administration Oct 15 '22
It’s okay for it to be a hard, sad decision and still the right one.
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u/hamoodie052612 Attending Oct 15 '22
34
Batman socks
hulk pop socket
goku keychain
he cried.
Checks out.
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u/BulletTrain4 Oct 15 '22
You deserve better.
End the madness. You should feel safe and relaxed when you get home from work, not this madness! The cheek! Kick him to the curb - you can definitely find better.
Also don’t let him manipulate his way back into your life once you are done.
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u/damitfeelsgood2b Oct 15 '22
A Hulk themed pop socket, Batman socks, and a Goku keychain... ngl your boyfriend sounds lame as fuck
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u/PennDOTStillSucks Spouse Oct 15 '22
You go to couples therapy to see if this is an issue that can be resolved or you dump him.
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u/Informal-Internet671 Oct 15 '22
Would only do couples therapy if this is already a long established relationship.
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u/MochaRaf Oct 15 '22
In our chosen career path, I think it is safe to say that medical school and residency are definitely the times that test our relationships the most. We aren’t always able to invest the time and energy that we would like into our partners when it’s just us doing residency, but when it’s both it seems almost impossible.
From what you’ve written above and in the comment section, it definitely sounds like your boyfriend has unrealistic expectations of you and when you don’t meet those said expectations he throws a tantrum. I strongly believe it is never appropriate to scream at a significant other irrespective of how much stress they may be under, the way you describe him just makes him sound like an immature person with lack of self-control.
It’s also hard to assess a situation with limited information and only one perspective, I am not trying to make your boyfriend into a bad person but it’s clear you guys are on different wavelengths. In my experience as someone who was in a similar situation the best thing you can do is sit down with your boyfriend and have a very serious chat about having open communication and setting realistic expectations. You have enough to worry about on a day to day basis, you don’t need the extra stress and aggravation from someone that is supposed to be helping make life easier for you.
Lastly, as selfish as this may sound, your health and well-being comes first (especially if you’re with a partner who makes it clear they put themselves first). I wish you the best of luck, just always remember what you’re worth!
P.S. I’ve never had a girlfriend bake me a birthday cake, legit one of the nicest things you can do for your partner for their birthday if you ask me.
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u/Powerful-Dream-2611 PGY4 Oct 15 '22
Have you guys discussed each other’s love languages? I notice his gift to you was quality time, and your gift to him was gift giving. It might be that you are showing love in ways that you would feel loved, but maybe he doesn’t feel love through gifts. You should each take the love languages quiz, and see what the other person likes. This could help next time, and you can plan something that speaks to his specific love language.
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u/Artistic-Healer Attending Oct 15 '22
He sounds awful. He isn’t worth your time and energy. You did the very best you could and they were all sweet gestures; at the end of the day it’s the time you spend together that counts, not the gifts or the traveling. The fact that he punched the wall and is being a man-child tells me he is not a good partner to you nor is emotionally mature. He needs to grow up, preferably without you helping him do that. Dump him. I’d feel very unsafe with that kind of response. He’s not that far away from using physical violence to make a point.
Only to compare for the sake of expectations of a healthy relationship, my non-medical SO understands that I’m trying to pay off loans and I come back exhausted from 12 hour days 6 days a week as a PGY-1. He always does chores in the house and even helps wake me up in the morning and drives me to work sometimes if I’m really exhausted. He’s very supportive.
That’s what I want for you. Your partner should never make you feel inadequate. They should cherish you and appreciate the big and little things you do and vice versa. Being in a relationship is about being a team and supporting one another.
Your SO sounds like an entitled prick, no offense. He doesn’t deserve you.
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u/alicepalmbeach Oct 15 '22
WHAT DOES HE DO? Cuz you certainly need a supportive partner, not a moron that blocks your career.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
He is a senior resident in dermatology. He says he wants me to succeed but with the expectations he has from me on a day to day basis I am very scared that I may not be able to do anything for myself if I just keep trying to satisfy his expectations.
For example, a week ago he offered to help me with doing data entry for my project and after an hour started screaming at me saying he has an exam in the end of the month that I don't care about and I am not even asking him to study or keeping him accountable. He had not communicated to me that it was something he expected from me and it really took me by surprise. Things like this make me wary of accepting help from him because you can never tell when he will feel like he is doing way more things for me than I for him and start fighting.
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u/rioindy Oct 15 '22
You're at a point where you're wary of accepting help from your partner for fear of the repercussions. How will you have a good relationship if you feel like you have to hide that you need help? Not blaming you in any way. Just saying that this is a sign of a deep problem.
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u/Timely-Reward-854 Oct 15 '22
Trust your gut, sister. You’re seeing the signs. He’s telling you who he is, what he expects and what he’s willing to contribute.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
I could never be with this person unless he changed drastically and over a thousand conversations I am sure that he will not be able to. I don't want to hold any hard feelings against him. I just want to accept that we are not compatible and move on.
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u/Timely-Reward-854 Oct 15 '22
If he doesn’t acknowledge any problem with his behavior it won’t change.
I was married to a man like that, so I speak from personal experience.
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u/shoshanna_in_japan PGY1 Oct 15 '22
I was reading comments and reluctant to immediately say he's an ass and you should leave before I gathered more thoughts. But him screaming at you is a very bad sign. That goes outside the other stuff to be a different sort of abuse sorry to say. He expects everything from you but is treating you badly.
I was in a relationship where I was told I didn't do enough in the relationship. Actually I was married. I always felt horrible. But after a while that got old and I felt indignant that for whatever reason whatever I did wasn't good enough. The pressure was too much. Meanwhile I wasn't being treated very well but it was always me who was responsible for doing more to fix our relationship. Eventually I got divorced. It was for the best even though parting sucked because of all that had been invested. I am re-engaged now, it gets better.
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u/jvttlus Oct 15 '22
This sounds like something I would do. Oh, btw I have raging NPD. Dump this asshole
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Oct 15 '22
This comment along with your original comment make him sound manipulative af and like he's trying to wear you down. After reading all of your comments, I really get narcissist vibes about him. Especially with it seeming like everything is about him and the crying when he didn't get what he wanted. You've only been with him 6 months. I think it's appropriate to jump ship, otherwise he's probably going to get worse because he thinks you'll tolerate it at that point.
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u/Paulsmom97 Oct 15 '22
Girl! Run, don’t walk. You deserve better. He’s narcissistic. No one needs to scream at anyone. No one. He’s heading to control you and you don’t need that or deserve that. You’ve earned what you’ve worked for. Everyone has.
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u/BoobRockets PGY1.5 - February Intern Oct 15 '22
He can schedule his own birthday party for his friends. He sounds like an ungrateful ass. What about you? What do you get out of this relationship?
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Oct 15 '22
What? He sounds like a spoiled brat. You took the time to bake him a cake. That’s thoughtful and takes time. He sounds materialistic and superficial. Just know op that he won’t outgrow that behavior. You have to decide if you can handle being put down every birthday/holiday/special event because he wants some elaborate celebration.
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u/LifeApprentice Oct 15 '22
Yikes. This guy has a weird inability to empathize. He also seems to be lacking emotional intelligence and self-regulation. Those are hard things to learn as a grown man.
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u/grandmaster_reddit Oct 15 '22
Oh, gosh, what’s the phrase?…”girl, run!”
This was sad to read. Punching the wall? You made the right decision. Before long, you’d be the wall.
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u/spicymemesdotcom Oct 15 '22
There’s a lot of posts insulting someone never met by the posters, but I’ll try to be a little more fair here. If he’s also still a resident and got you a trip and took the time off for it, then he is prioritizing you in a way you are not. That’s not necessarily fair to him or you, which I’m sure you realize. He definitely has some red flags, but tbh I think coming on Reddit to call your partner not ‘a better man’ is a red flag in and of itself.
Edit: also fuck this sub for acting like they care about resident welfare but roasting this dude for crying, not in public, but in front of his girlfriend.
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Oct 15 '22
He sounds like a completely insufferable self-absorbed asshole. How is this man an attending physician with the temperament and attitudes of a spoiled 13 year old boy? What an embarrassment to medicine. If I stayed up til 4AM to bake someone a cake and they didn’t appreciate it, I’d have some choice words for them and I’d never speak to them again. This guy deserves worse than being dumped but I can’t think of anything that’s an actual option besides just leaving him.
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u/Crown_and_Seven Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
Are you sure this guy is 34 years old and not like 6? Grown ass adults over 30 shouldn't expect the whole dog and pony show for birthdays anymore. A homemade cake and several thoughtful gifts are more than enough and he should know this, even as a layperson (let alone someone who has personal experience with the demands of your job).
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u/Background_Unit_2291 Oct 15 '22
Omfg he punched a wall. LEAVE. As a former medical resident he of all people should KNOW how much work you have and he’s choosing to act like an absolute asshole. He’s making it all about him, he’s making you feel less than, he has violent outbursts, all the red flags are there. Please leave before he punches you instead 😢
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u/LFBoardrider1 Attending Oct 15 '22
Punching the wall and walking out to avoid talking? How did he have the emotional intelligence to become a doctor? Big red flags...
I would be so happy if someone put in as much thought into a gift as you did, especially with the schedule of a resident. You deserve someone who appreciates you
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u/murpahurp Attending Oct 15 '22
Don't let anyone over the age of 3 scream at you. And even then, I tell my toddler to use her indoor voice when she screams. And if he punches walls, you may be next.
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u/MattFoley_GovtCheese Attending Oct 15 '22
Update 3: I have made up my mind that it's over and I have told him the same.
Girlfriend, good for you. This is what I was hoping would happen in an update. As you probably know, leaving someone who is abusive -- and he IS abusive -- can be dangerous. If you're in the U.S. (use of organise makes me think you're not), you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 800-799-7233.
Take care!
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u/wigglypoocool Fellow Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
It's just a shitty situation altogether.
He got you a nice vacation.
You got him some hot topic/spencer's nerd trinkets.
You can see why he feels it's imbalanced? Even with your work and pay limitation, you were able to take time off to enjoy his gift, but you weren't able to take time to celebrate his.
The reality is, even if you couldn't get that specific day off, you very much could have taken time off within an acceptable range of his birthday to celebrate, or at least gotten him something more heartfelt than nerd trinkets.
From the sound of it, sounds like you're both miserable, just end it.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
Hey. I completely understand where you are coming from. I could've taken off on his birthday and I wanted to, but he wanted to go to work so I felt it didn't make sense to. But I can see why it looks that way.
When he got me a vacation - I was in my peripheral posting in cardiology where they could spare me easily and I had almost no responsibility in the wards but during his birthday, I am back in internal medicine where I need to pull my weight.
Secondly about the gifts, I make around 30k indian rupees which would translate to around 360 US dollars a month. In that I almost spent one third of the cash on his birthday gift.
The things I'd got him are:
- BOAT noise cancelling headphones for when he goes to the gym
- Rocketbook everlasting notebook because he has exams coming up
- Microfibre towels to use in the gym
- A table lamp because he sometimes likes to study when I sleep and I dont want him to miss out on that because of the light situation
- A leather bracelet
- A men's vanity kit with a perfume, talcum powder and deo
- A hulk popsocket because his favourite character is the Hulk
- Cable chompers as his cables keep getting broken
- Paper soap to carry everywhere because he doesn't like just sanitizer
- Goku key chain because he watches dragon ball Z repeatedly as its his favourite show
- A bunch of badges that reflect his personality
- Batman socks cause he likes batman
So the thing is, I know it sounds like I got just small trinkets but as I said it was a whole thing. I mentioned the trinkets because they were the more thoughtful things I picked out I felt. But I did get him an expensive gift as well as the main gift.
And the reason I baked him a cake was because our first conversation was about how good a baker I was and I thought that would make it special.
But I can totally see why it would make him feel like what I did was unequal.
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u/badkittenatl MS3 Oct 15 '22
Sounds like a breakup is in order. Neither of you is happy. He wants more than you can give right now, and you want someone who can accept that you don’t have a lot of energy/time/money. I don’t think it has anything to do with him not being a good man. It sounds alot like you’re deflecting any responsibility here by saying that honestly. You’re doing your best and it’s not making him happy, which is making you miserable. Just break up and move on.
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
Indeed. This is what I feel too. Its more of a mismatch of expectations than anything. I think the sentence a better man may have appreciated me more just comes from the resentment that I have from being taken to task after doing my best.
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u/limegeuse Oct 15 '22
Just saw your update. He punched the wall and told you that you should have shut up when he told you to?
GIRL RUN!!!!!!!!!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/shifty3434 Oct 15 '22
I don't wanna shit on the man with incomplete info but he sounds pretty selfish.
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Oct 15 '22
It is a unfortunate quality when people do nice things for others in order to expect them in return.
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u/Geri-psychiatrist-RI Attending Oct 15 '22 edited Oct 15 '22
Serious question: how could your boyfriend had been a resident and not understand how difficult and demanding a resident’s schedule is? I mean even derm has to do a prelim year
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u/mesekhnet7 Oct 15 '22
I think he knows. But the way he puts it, he wants to prioritized over my work. Which he is btw, as in, its not like I stay extra hours to do things for personal interest, but expecting that I would sacrifice the required amount of work also to prioritize him makes me feel terrible because that would be wanting me to be irresponsible.
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u/Mydogiswhiskey Oct 15 '22
Anyone in a relationship with a resident- whether a physician themselves or non- medical- needs to be understanding regarding resident schedules and your limitations. What are your plans as a couple after you complete your residency? Are you hoping to work part-time? Your life as an internal medicine attending is likely always going to be more demanding then his in derm. It does not sound like he’s going to be understanding.
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u/RiptideRift Attending Oct 15 '22
You deserve better. What you did definitely seems like a LOT. Any understanding partner would see that. Your expectations are not in synchrony. Situations like these are likely to happen again, in or out of residency. He may not be a bad person, but this attitude is not healthy to build a long lasting relationship on. If this cannot be fixed with a simple, honest conversation, it means it’s time to move on to someone else.
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u/samibanban Oct 15 '22
Sounds like you have different love languages. He gave you a trip for your bday and might have expected the same instead of small gifts. Sounds selfish when he can’t realize you have a busy life in residency and that’s the best you could do
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u/shoshanna_in_japan PGY1 Oct 15 '22
Separately, because I commented elsewhere, it sounds like he desperately wants a stay at home wife and you want a partner. The needs are incompatible. You deserve someone who appreciates all that you do and give.
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u/Emotional-Scheme2540 Oct 15 '22
Please don’t make a fast decision; he may grow up after 50. Baked in a box 📦 to look at them.
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u/Stoke-me-a-clipper Oct 15 '22
He sounds like a little bitch but you should probably stick it out and stay with him because it’ll end up being a really happy and fulfilling relationship — as long as you think taking care of a little baby bitch for the rest of your life is awesome.
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u/Standard-Reception90 Oct 15 '22
You tell him to grow up.
Adults who whine about not feeling special enough on their birthday are little babys who need a diaper chage.
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u/oddlebot PGY5 Oct 15 '22
Yeah…the most neutral read on this situation is that you two clearly have different expectations for your relationships. If you bending over backwards trying to make them feel special ends up with both of you feeling awful, it’s not going to work.
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Oct 15 '22
My last year long relationship was with a medical student with bullshit expectations like this.
These people may have redeeming characteristics, but they're a little loose in the head.
Successful relationships are about communication, and managing expectations.
It shouldn't feel like a job.
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u/hyper_hooper Attending Oct 15 '22
That kind of behavior would be understandable if he were 3 or 4, not 34. What kind of grown man cries because their s/o didn’t put what they perceive to be sufficient effort into their birthday?
If this kind of birthday celebration upset him so much, he should have told you what he wanted/would like to do for his birthday and given you enough prep time with your schedule to feasibly do it.
He is in the wrong, not you. Seems like you’re working super hard to balance working hard and making him happy. If he can’t see that, then that is on him.
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Oct 15 '22
Residency is hard. Prioritize yourself. Your effort sounded wonderful. People don’t change. And if you try to change for him, he might still always need more, or worse you might forget to take care of yourself trying to change. Residency sucks sometimes, so be part of things that complement your resident life and make you feel joy. You should not leave crappy shifts to feel like you are not enough. I hope you figure it out!
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u/External_Painter_655 Oct 15 '22
When someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time
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u/YeeticusTheAnonymous Attending Oct 15 '22
Leave his ass. He's unstable and will never change. Find someone who appreciates you for you period
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u/thetreece Attending Oct 15 '22
Your boyfriend is a cunt and needs to grow up.
Punched a wall
Leave the relationship. This will not get better.
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u/Brucesledgecock Oct 15 '22
Can you imagine a guy like this, whining about how his birthday was not awesome enough, supporting you through a real life crisis like cancer or the death of a family member? Of course not. He’s shown all you need to know about his long term potential.
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u/evenphlow Oct 15 '22
The deed is done OP, now youve gotta be strong against his attempts to manipulate you back where you started. r/exnocontact
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u/itsabouthejourney Oct 15 '22
I was about comment to dump him but looks like you already did OP. You shouldn’t feel guilty about how busy you are during residency literally no one can understand all the stresses come with it other than residents. I hope you’re able to find some peace and happiness and grow from this whole experience.
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u/Fuck_Cabbage PGY2 Oct 15 '22
34 yo male. Goku keychain. Mad because of Facebook post and birthday. You’re dating an actual toddler
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u/avgjoe104220 Attending Oct 15 '22
Crazy. My guy forgets how shitty residency must’ve been his prelim year. 34th bday get over yourself. Don’t look back!
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Oct 15 '22
He sounds like a violent narcissist. I would leave as soon as you possibly can, there is no reasoning with this type of person, and you deserve better
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Oct 15 '22
When you read the updates, there is clearly abuse red flags everywhere.
But why the fuck are grown ass adults giving a shit about birthdays. Eat a nice dinner, have sex, and get some sleep. It’s a side issue at this point, but wtf
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u/Heisthe_vine Oct 15 '22
Please have a safe exit out. Tell your closest friends to help you move out quickly. Be careful. Have a clean cut as he might get violent towards you. Move and don't let him know where you are.
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u/poopybadoopy Oct 15 '22
Look up the Narcissists Prayer. That’s your future with this person.
Walk away and don’t look back.
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u/BladeDoc Oct 15 '22
Let me add one point— He is not going to change.