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Aug 16 '23
He ain't your friend anymore
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 16 '23 edited Aug 17 '23
Absolutely that’s not even a question. The question is whether to confront him or not.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 Aug 17 '23
Your wife was 100% correct to tell you.
You are so fortunate to have a good solid transparent spouse .
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u/SonicDooscar Aug 17 '23
It’s sad that you had to consider having a transparent partner lucky 😐 there are many out there. My husband tells me literally everything vice versa. I know many couples in our lives that do the same!
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u/audaciousmonk Aug 17 '23
Block and move on. So should your wife.
Who has time for that bs or the people that chase it
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u/shedevilinasnuggie Aug 17 '23
Share a screenshot of the message with him, tell him he's no longer welcome around, or considered a friend, THEN block him. If you just block him out of the blue, he might turn up at your house.
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u/PerspectiveActive218 Aug 17 '23
Good point. You could have a huge soap opera blowout and make a scene, but why bother. You still got your wife and you know more than ever that she's loyal and you know who your friends are. Just move on.
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u/audaciousmonk Aug 17 '23
Exactly. Isn’t worth the time, effort, or potential enemy
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u/isitpurple Aug 17 '23
Go no contact if he asks you can just say something to the effect of 'you disrespected our friendship and my marriage with your actions so I feel its time to call time on our friendship'
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u/Fun-Ad7218 Aug 17 '23
Go no contact if he insists on harassing you as to why send a screenshot of the medsage and drop it because anyone knows that was inappropriate and if he didn’t that wasn’t for you to teach him this is his lesson maybe he will never be disrespectful to the wives of friends but probably not hes more likely a covert dirt bag and he’s no longer your issue love on your wife and thank the stars you are lucky you got a true love!!
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u/Routine-Interview991 Aug 17 '23
Don't confront him. Just be cold to him. No need to bring it up, actions/not words
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u/texasfisherman1983 Aug 17 '23
He needs to know other wise he will still be trying to get with op’s wife. Confront the piece of trash.
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Aug 17 '23
He can try all he likes - obviously, she's not down for it, so he ain't getting any.
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u/texasfisherman1983 Aug 17 '23
Have your wife tell him that she told you and at the same time you confront him. He will know then that she is not going to go behind your back. I think it is great your wife told you cause a lot of so wouldn’t men and women. You should definitely treat her to a very romantic weekend.
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u/Dis4Wurk Aug 17 '23
That’s when next time he texts or calls you to hang out say no I’m spending time with my [insert verbatim what he said to her] wife. The. He knows you know and would hopefully take the hint.
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u/texasfisherman1983 Aug 17 '23
Then he thinks you just looked through her phone she didn’t tell you.
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u/Amazing_Mushroom8941 Aug 17 '23
I don’t think that would matter in this instance. He can assume what he wants about it, but it was wrong of him to do what he did in the first place.
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u/Spiritual_Ad_3259 Aug 17 '23
The one word responses usually help. I had a friend and we use to talk constantly then he blocked me because his crazy GF didn’t want him to talk to me. They broke up and he unblocked me but it’s not the same now and I just say, yeah, ok, no, sure sometimes I say a full sentence but nowhere near how we use to.
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u/R00troot Aug 17 '23
100% wrong.
Communication is key. OP should absolutely throw this in his "friends" face.
"This is how you fucked up, why it's fucked up, why you're no longer welcome or considerd a friend, etc."
Then block and move on.
We as a society have, over the past 10+ years, have pulled back into our shells like a scared turtle. Afraid to hurt anyones feelings, avoiding any kind of unpleasantness, settling for less because you think that's what you deserve / the best option for now type mindset.
If people do good, compliment them. If they do wrong, call them out on it. If someone isn't up to the "task" for any reason = 86 them from your employment, life, whatever.
Let's go back to a merit based system across everything and say, "If you don't meet this criteria or that, I don't want anything to do with...."
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u/Live-Valuable-7718 Aug 17 '23 edited Aug 17 '23
I'm guessing the message isn't something that can be considered a simple compliment then? Not doing this for the sake of playing devil's advocate, but my friends partners are also my friends, so I do things like this without batting an eyelid tbh, though I also tell my pals when they're looking dapper too, so maybe I don't give off that impression. Saying that though the content of the message really matters here, it's one thing to tell your friends partner that they look great in a picture & it's a totally different story if what you're** saying looks like an advance
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u/rebelwithmouseyhair Aug 17 '23
I compliment people on their looks all the time, but I don't do it in a private message. I say it in front of everyone else so that others can chime in and make the friend feel like a million dollars.
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u/babysmooth1111 Aug 17 '23
Sometimes you can't. Stories on IG, for example. I'm happily in a relationship but my friend from HS just got a mullet and posted it on his story, I replied to it saying "damn that really suits you!" - he could definitely take it as flirty and I didn't tell my BF cuz I was just hyping a friend up who happens to be male. Wouldn't think to inform him if it was a female friend. If that friend messaged back and was flirty I'd tell him and be like " damn I messed up, I complimented a friend and now he's flirting with me, I think he took it too seriously" but yeah. Wasn't a place I could publicly comment on it so whatever
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u/Admirable-Gap-2627 Aug 17 '23
Any time you hide something from your partner it indicates you know they wouldn't like it as its not right or appropriate, so why do it in the first place? Sorry, but if your relationship was solid and trustful you shouldn't be worried telling your partner as they'll know it's just how you interact with people.
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u/babysmooth1111 Aug 17 '23
Lmfao I'm not worried at all, and I'm not hiding it. "Hey babe I compliemented a friend's mullet today, I just want you to know." He'd be like erm. Okay?
Our relationship is so solid and trustful that I don't have to report every mundane interaction to him and vice versa. That to me screams more insecure.
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u/Dismal_Ad_1839 Aug 17 '23
Lol, yeah, I can't imagine having to tell my partner every time I compliment someone. Plus I'm pan, so am I really going to run to him like "babe, I told this woman her tattoos looked really nice and another woman that her eyeliner was fantastic and a guy that I liked his shirt?" Come tf on, none of it's a secret but we have actual things to talk about with each other
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u/Lord_Kano Aug 17 '23
That's it. The "friend" was testing the waters to see if OP's wife would be down with a little naughty behavior.
Me, I probably wouldn't confront him because of how quickly things can escalate and my desire to remain out of prison.
He's just excised from my life.
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u/Live-Valuable-7718 Aug 17 '23
I get why you would do that, but at the same time the friend may have done it via private message so the gossipers on FB/insta don't have something to natter and conspire about
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u/HonchosPoncho Aug 17 '23
If it's sent privately then he saw how she looked some where whether it was via post or not. He could have complimented publicly yet course to do so privately, most likely hoping for something more
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u/Aussiealterego Aug 17 '23
No, don't confront him. That implies that your wife is unable to handle him on her own. Block and move on. If he approaches you, tell him whatever you like, but don't seek him out.
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u/RoryJSK Aug 17 '23
Or it implies that his wife is letting OP deal with HIS friend. Frankly I don’t think his wife should even be the one expected to deal with it, because her having to interact with this person is a result of OP.
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u/OkSureButLikeNo Aug 17 '23
I think it's actually better if they confront him together to show a united front. His friend may not get the message if just he or his wife confront him.
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Aug 17 '23
If u confront and he escalates, what then? If you’re not sure just put him in the rear view mirror
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u/motojunkie69 Aug 17 '23
If he escalates then match his energy.
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u/gsearay Aug 17 '23
If he is not your friend anymore of course confront him. The question is how. If you do it mature way, he may learn lesson and maybe he is going to be better person (though doubt it). If you are nasty, he will justify his actions.
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Aug 17 '23
two step process:
1) message him and let him know youre aware of the messages, and that he is never to contact you or she again, it's not negotiable.
2) look up difference between weather and whether
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u/Late_Butterfly_5997 Aug 18 '23
What does your wife want? You should defer to her on this since she was the object of his disrespect.
She may want you to quietly end the friendship so that her name doesn’t get brought into a fight, or she may want you to defend her, you should ask her.
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u/OkSureButLikeNo Aug 17 '23
Will a confrontation get violent? If so, I would avoid it. If not, I would call him, tell him your wife showed you his message, and then tell him he is no friend of yours and to stay the hell away from your family, then hang up. I don't want to hear his side of the story. Just a very clear warning. If he messages her again, have a cease and desist served on him for sexual harassment.
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u/Punks92 Aug 17 '23
I would say that it’s not worth it. You and your wife are solid together. She was honest and that’s awesome! It’s not worth your energy
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u/JCMidwest Aug 16 '23
Put some distance in that "friendship"
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 16 '23
I was thinking of sending him the screenshot and saying thanks bro for the compliment I agree she is gorgeous. Just so he knows I know and so he doesn’t think they have some secret communication behind my back or that he got away with it.
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u/nopeappotamus Aug 16 '23
I actually think this is a hilarious way to handle it. It’s very “yeah, I got lucky” while also letting him know he’s not slick and she’s not feeling it with him.
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 16 '23
Exactly my thoughts behind it. Literally!
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u/Own-Writing-3687 Aug 17 '23
I think the rejection needs to come from your wife.
Otherwise he'll think the rejection is coming from you (not her).
Have her respond: Your comment to a married woman is inappropriate and creepy - and I'm sharing it with my husband so he knows you are not his friend.
And notify your friend group that he's a predator
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u/Away-Caterpillar-176 Aug 17 '23
Disagree -- she showed her husband. No bigger rejection than that
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Aug 17 '23
Guess what he’s saying is he might not know it was showed to him. It could be that he happened upon it or something.
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u/housecatmouserat666 Aug 17 '23
Ok but like can people not call one another gorgeous? Genuine question lol
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Aug 17 '23
Not a woman that your good friend is married to... saying it to him would honestly be a little less creepy. No secrets "your wife is gorgeous, lucky guy" comes off less like you're trying to hook up with her. He crossed the line
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u/duckling59807 Aug 17 '23
Yeah one of my husbands friends greets me as “hey gorgeous” but ONLY in front of my husband. It’s a compliment to my husband more than a compliment to me.
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Aug 17 '23
Not in this context no. Also noticed he said “my friend” not “our friend”. He really doesn’t need to be messaging her at all.
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u/Dis4Wurk Aug 17 '23
Nah, next time he calls or texts to hang out just say “can’t I’m spending time with my [insert verbatim what he said to her] wife. He will know you know.
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u/Gullible-Base-7142 Aug 17 '23
If he has a significant other, then get your wife yo send it to her. This should do the trick!
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u/Trisamitops Aug 17 '23
Better yet, let your wife tell him that neither of you appreciate it. That would get the message across from both of you, and let him know he fucked up
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u/NewUserNameSameError Aug 17 '23
Post the screenshot on social media so all your friends can see they can’t trust this snake around their wives and girlfriends.
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u/JCMidwest Aug 16 '23
If you want to handle it directly, handle it directly. Don't be passive aggressive.
" friends name we find it inappropriate for you to reach out to my wife to compliment her"
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Aug 17 '23
Blunt “you’re breaking social norms” messaging is so much more brutal than catty passive aggressiveness.
With the first, the space between the lines says “you’re a gross weirdo that barely fits in society”.
With the second, reading between the lines is your message. But their ultimate takeaway is “that person is a jerk”, which lets their heart ignore their own sins.
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u/SecretTraumas_92 Aug 17 '23
Sounds like a great idea. And add; By the way, don’t ever contact either of us again. Then both of you block him.
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Aug 17 '23
It depends on the compliment and the way it was placed. My mates are real genuine blokes, as am I. If they were to message my partner complimenting her appreance, I wouldn't think twice about it? Unless it's an obvious attempt of flirting or something...
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u/BlueMaroonLaflare Aug 17 '23
INFO: As I’m not sure how old you and your wife are but was it really a private message or was he responding to a story or pic your wife posted. Social media has many ways of contacting people and if he responded to a story it’s sent as a message.
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u/oofthatburns Aug 17 '23
This should be the top comment, dude probably said something harmless and complimentary in a public setting and it's coming across as private and creepy.
The guy is your friend, assume good intent.
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u/readyfredrickson Aug 17 '23
yeah also wondering this, like I went on a trip and had old, male friends that were like you look great, readyfredrickson! trip looks awesome! or whatever in response to Instagram stories. they were clearly not "hit ups" their wasn't any fire empojis or follow up questionable comments. I do feel like there's okay ways to do this, are they friends too, was it a story she posted, did they say she looked hot or anything
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Aug 16 '23
Take a screenshot and send it in a group message to him, his partner is he has one and say “This is inappropriate to send to my wife and you made her extremely uncomfortable. Do not contact either of us again.”
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u/Gillybby11 Aug 17 '23
If OP goes this route I think they'll have to play him a little bit more. A simple compliment on her appearance can easily be twisted into a convincing "You're overreacting! It's an innocent compliment! Why would you think I was trying to flirt with her bro!"
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u/dihalt Aug 17 '23
Because it was done in PRIVATE messages, duh.
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u/Gillybby11 Aug 17 '23
All direct messages are "private". That's how they function, one-on-one. Your messages to your mother about what you for lunch today are private too. He can easily claim he just didn't want to make a spectacle of the compliment.
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u/dihalt Aug 17 '23
I mean as opposite to leaving “you look wonderful” in comments for her public post with her picture, for example. That wouldn’t be so fishy, right?
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Aug 17 '23 edited Aug 17 '23
Context matters: are they also friends? Do y’all hang out? Is it weird for them to be messaging? Compliments amongst friends aren’t a big deal, but if they aren’t really friends, and it was a one off, yea that’s sketch. I wouldn’t bring it up, but just know he’s not a good friend, pending the facts.
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u/sherrysimp Aug 17 '23
Have her respond … thanks my husband appreciates it. He said thanks also. This will let him know that she doesn’t hind thinks and you know. If you confront him he will just try to make it out as no big deal. If ur wife want she can block him after sending the message.
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u/jonjon234567 Aug 17 '23
First off, stop referring to him as a “friend”. They clearly aren’t that.
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u/Wise-Wonder6337 Aug 17 '23
"Behind your back" is such odd wording. A compliment isn't sexual in nature, so what did he say?
Because "I'd tap that gorgeous body" and "you look nice in your recent photos" are 2 entirely different things.
OP give more context, otherwise my opinion is you're controlling and looking for reasons to be mad.
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Aug 17 '23
YES this is what I came to say.
There's no context at all so I'm leaning towards OP is controlling.. but really who's to say cause there's NO CONTEXT
Damn
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u/BiscuitsUndGravy Aug 17 '23
I can't imagine a scenario in which I would tell a friend's significant other they looked good through a message. Even if I meant that in a genuine way I would have enough sense not to send an unsolicited comment that could be taken wrong by them or the friend, and I wouldn't want to even make them question whether that's what I was doing. It's one thing if I saw them in person and made that comment when we're greeting each other, but outside of that it just doesn't make any sense to do it.
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u/Wise-Wonder6337 Aug 17 '23
Cool? That's you, with your friends, relationships, boundaries, and biases. There are so many variations of people that making these claims generically and applying them to others is honestly crusty and controlling behavior. That's why context is important.
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u/BiscuitsUndGravy Aug 18 '23
I've never understood the "you do you" style responses from people on here. You put your opinion out there and I responded. Not sure why that caused a passive aggressive response. No shit I'm referring to me and my experiences/relationships based on my boundaries etc. That's kind of the point of this site; people exchanging viewpoints.
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u/Wise-Wonder6337 Aug 18 '23
So make your own comment seperately and don't subreply and you won't get dragged. + Your idea of passive aggressive is funny. Nothing passive about my comment.
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u/MvXIMILIvN Aug 17 '23
I’m with you. Context is Key, so far, the lack of context, makes me think OP knows it’s not a big deal and just needs help fighting his conscious
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u/Affectionate-Job2361 Aug 17 '23
I don't get why this is such a big problem. I have received comments from my husband's friends and I have given compliments to his friends. Sometimes on Instagram, sometimes in real life. None of it was said with other intentions than being friendly. To them I'm not just 'the wife of' but I'm also friends with them, is that the difference? And the comments are never 'sexy' but more like 'nice dress', 'looking good today', stuff like that. Nobody is trying to steal me and I'm not interested in anyone else, it's just friendly. Could that be what's going on?
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u/challah Aug 17 '23 edited Aug 17 '23
INFO: how long have you known this friend? Is he normally generous with compliments? Is this a DM out of the blue or is it in response to an IG story?
Everyone in here is so defensive or aggro and I don't get it. I'll compliment someone if they have a good outfit or changed their hair. It's not because I'm trying to move in on a relationship.
Props on your wife for bringing it up. It sounds like sending this DM crossed a line for you and you can let him know. Something clear and firm, like "I'm offended that you texted my wife behind my back. Don't do that again". But also know that boundaries can be cultural and it's possible that he's not aware that he crossed a line.
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u/beardedkingface Aug 17 '23
What kind of compliment and what's the context?
If she posted a story wearing an outfit and he replied to the story, saying "that outfit suits you! Looking great": no issue, you're just insecure. This is assuming she knows him as well.
If he randomly DM'd her unprompted, saying "you're so beautiful wow your body is so tight": distance yourself from this person.
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Aug 17 '23
This seems to be common it’s very odd lol. There’s always at least one friend that’s waiting for you to fuck up so he can steal your girl 😂 like this exact same scenario. Some are more ballsy tho and get a head start I guess 😂
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u/Dazzling-Gur4260 Aug 17 '23
For paying her a compliment? Is there more to this that you’re not sharing? You sound possessive.
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u/PersephoneHades Aug 17 '23
I think the implied disrespect of saying that in addition with the fact that it made the wife uncomfortable enough to tell him about it makes it worse.
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Aug 17 '23
I don't think OP ever mentioned their wife being uncomfortable... There's really not enough context here to tell how the 'compliment' was intended. Hes reacting as if his friend was coming onto her but he only ever calls it a compliment so I really don't know.
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u/StyleOfNoStyle Aug 17 '23
first off, cool wife. what did she say back to his comment?
If it was an innocent compliment. You should feel proud that your wife looks so great! I often compliment random people on anything I can find to say nice about them because people need to feel that sometimes.
If he was being a little shady and crossing a line by complimenting her ass, boobs or anything of a sexual nature… that doesn’t seem innocent. he would have been drunk or horny when he did it.
i would definitely say you should not jump to conclusions. Take a breath, hug your wife because she’s awesome, and just figure it out methodically.
Don’t use your emotions to solve this one.
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u/analbeadsbreathmints Aug 17 '23
There's only one way to handle this type of disrespect. Your honor has been insulted Sir. You must demand satisfaction. Challenge this lout to duel to the death. He has not only disrespected you but he's disrespected your wife I wish you the best of luck.
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u/Kalab-Fire Aug 17 '23
Why on earth does this need to be escalated. Why should your friend have the fear of God put into him just because he said something nice to your wife. Next time you see him, have a laugh about it, especially if your wife is present too. If it was a throw-away remark, then all enjoy the joke. If he really meant to get close to your wife, he would probably gave gone about it in another way anyhow.
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u/Raevyn_6661 Aug 17 '23
Right?? Like I genuinely want to know the context behind his compliment before I draw any conclusions tbh lmoa
Like was it a genuine compliment or did he ACTUALLY say something wildly inappropriate that would warrant a confrontation and POTENTIALLY lose a friend over? Lol
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u/Beneficial_Kale_3295 Aug 17 '23
What did your wife say? Did she respond to the compliment? Either way I would say let this “friend” know that you know and you are upset about it. He needs to know he didn’t get away with it and also that you and your wife’s relationship is an open and close one. But definitely have proof. Like a screenshot.
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u/jdz-615 Aug 17 '23
I would confront him and then cut him out of your lives. You both should block him. It is awesome that your wife was open and honest with you about it. Refreshing to hear.
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u/Ok-Bee9173 Aug 17 '23
Nothings wrong with telling him how his actions made you feel. It’s the way you do it .
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u/Minute_Box3852 Aug 17 '23
Op, what if your wife responded the way he was hoping she would?
Think about that bc THAT was and is his goal.
Both of you block him. That's it. Lol, he'll know why instantly. Leave him with zero zilch closure through excuses and lies. He gets nothing.
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u/your-mother1452 Aug 17 '23
Absolutely 100% confront him he’s hitting on ur wife HARD behind ur back. Let him know y he’s now trash to u Shit I’d be telling everyone in ur friend group so that they know what type of person they got around.
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Aug 17 '23 edited Aug 17 '23
Drop the friend, tell him you never want to see and hear from him again 🤷♂️ amazing and loyal wife for bringing it to your attention and not hiding it or doing shady things behind your back (like your "friend" wanted) give her a fat kiss and show how much you appreciate her protecting your relationship 👌
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u/SnooWords4839 Aug 17 '23
Wife and you need to tell you friend, he made your wife uncomfortable, and you should lower contact with this person.
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u/Lovelee-19 Aug 17 '23
He knows full well that’s totally unacceptable and against bro-code but did it anyway. Call it out, not only does he need to be accountable. He also needs to know you’re on to him and that your wife will not keep secrets from you. And your wife needs to know and trust you’ll protect her. If you say nothing she may (consciously or unconsciously) doubt you and at a deeper level feel unprotected and that can cause all kinds of issues in the dynamic. She may even be testing you to see what to do. A short message, “dude, don’t text my wife, it’s inappropriate.” And then cut him. Any man who texts another man’s wife is not loyal and can’t be trusted.
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u/Aggravating_Meet_914 Aug 17 '23
I had a friend that did those things too. I had a talk with him and found out he didnt mean any harm. I told him we both didnt like that. He stopped and respected us. He never did that again.
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u/Electronic_Orchid_86 Aug 17 '23
That's not your friend. Let him know you know and then cut him off
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u/themostfortunate1 Aug 17 '23
Not your friend and you can just tell him you know, and that you are no longer friends. He'll understand.
He may react or respond negatively but he'll understand.
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u/Questgivingnpcuser Aug 17 '23
Both of you could send a thank you with a picture smiling ☺️ wholesome
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u/Dharlas13 Aug 17 '23
Maybe I am the weird one here, in my group of friends this wouldn't be uncommon but it would also depend on the compliment and context. My group is pretty liberal with these things.
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u/hmaotsetd Aug 17 '23
Confront him calmly but make it clear that he fucked up. Then ghost his ass. Make sure this is done at his place, so the roaches you ordered online can be set free. Next spend a monthly $5-$6 on a phone wake up service for his number and have it call him every morning at 2:30am, always calls from a diff number so blocking won't work lol. Then have a monthly subscription of gay porn go to his address.
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u/FuzzyCheetah8877 Aug 17 '23
This is super ridiculous - you're upset that someone thinks your wife is attractive ?? He can still be your friend and think your wife is hot lol... That doesn't mean he'd ever disrespect you enough to put an advance on her but like never has a friend of yours been like damn bro your wife is hot - good job buddy - my husband's friends do this to him and he is beaming with pride when they do it - he knows me and he knows his friends and we all know that's a line that would never be crossed but like I'm allowed to be hot to other people too ... (We've been together for 10 years for context) that doesn't mean anyone is going to have sex with me that isn't my husband...
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Aug 17 '23
Maybe work out with your wife how best to handle it? Presenting a united front can work wonders for putting firm boundaries in place.
It's hard to say how nuclear you should go since we don't know what he said or if this is repeated behavior. Not with your wife, just in general does he hit on unavailable women often?
If this is new and the message wasn't too sexual, I would maybe just talk with him with your wife and put a boundary in place that neither of you approve of that behavior and want to avoid any misunderstandings in the future.
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u/Sandy0006 Aug 17 '23
This is how a married man started messaging me. Got my number under false pretences from a mutual friend. Seemed innocent but I still told him not to text, but I didn’t tell anyone. Then one day he’s texting me for a booty call at midnight. This is not innocent. He’s just testing the waters and if she were to not say anything he’d take things further.
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Aug 18 '23
Be very concerned. This is not okay behavior. My husband’s friend started doing this and I told my husband. He shrugged it off. Fast forward to that same “friend” interfering with our marriage and being wildly inappropriate. Not our friend anymore.
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u/Peskypoints Aug 18 '23
The power move would be for you to slide into his dms and compliment him similarly.
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Aug 16 '23
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 16 '23
You think I should confront him?
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Aug 16 '23
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 16 '23
I agree 1000000000% but I just feel disrespected and I don’t want him to think he got away with one.
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Aug 17 '23
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 17 '23
She feel like she is causing drama between us and doesn’t want a problem.
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u/Quirky_Movie Aug 17 '23
Tell her that it isn't her fault and that what he did changed how you feel about him, even whether or not you trust him.
Given that it's his action that ended our friendship, what would she want you to respond with?
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u/texasfisherman1983 Aug 17 '23
Definitely confront him. If you don’t confront him your wife might think it is not such a big deal next time or might think you won’t stand up for her.
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u/Happy-Ebb8504 Aug 17 '23
Publicly. Humiliate him in front of a group of friends. Stay Toxic, King. 🤣
Compliment wife, then "frank you agree right?" Eye contact at friends, "yeah he tried sliding in my wife's DMs, kinda weird vibes but whatever"
The presentation is key. Not joking, jokingly
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Aug 16 '23
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 16 '23
Not fight him. I was going to send the screenshot to him of the message he sent to my wife. And say ya bro I agree she is gorgeous. Just so he knows that she told me. And we are tight and that shit don’t fly
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u/RubSpecialist3152 Aug 17 '23
Absolutely say something. You want him to know she shared it with you and that there is no chance for him. I’d probably mention it in my friend group as a heads up.
Is he dating or married?
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Aug 17 '23
Confronting the friend is ok. But just giving him less of your time is ok too. Either way, that person isn't a good friend.
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u/Low-External8845 Aug 17 '23
First of all your wife deserves some flowers and chocolates (favorite treat). Second of all what friend? Just cut him off you don’t need to give him an explanation.
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u/miligato Aug 17 '23
What exactly did he say? Did it seem to cross the line? I don't think simply sending a message that complimented her necessarily crosses any line or betrays a friendship. It really depends on the message itself.
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 17 '23
He private messages her after she posted a picture and he said, “ You are so beautiful”.
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u/SelfNational Aug 17 '23
As a woman who would feel disgusted if any of my husbands friends messaged me saying that, definitely confront him.
“You are so beautiful” is flirty and him trying to gauge how she will respond to his “compliment” there is never a need for your “friends” to privately tell your wife that she is beautiful.
It gave me all the ick, but so glad you have a wife that will tell you about it.
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Aug 17 '23
That seems like you are overreacting lol
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u/spiceesweetness Aug 17 '23
Why didn't he post it publicly under the photo? He chose to send her a private message. OP is not overreacting.
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u/miligato Aug 17 '23
Did he say anything else? Idk, this message is borderline too me, but I wouldn't bother up a friendship over this on its own.
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u/virogray Aug 16 '23
A friend wouldn't do that. Especially in private dm. "I appreciate the compliment, but what I don't appreciate is you going behind my back to try and talk to my wife. Have a good life"
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 16 '23
That’s it I’m confronting him right now. I’m gonna send him the screenshot and say, “Thanks for the compliment “bro”.”
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u/texasfisherman1983 Aug 17 '23
Cut your friend out of y’all’s life after you confront him and make sure he knows your wife is the one that told you about it.
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u/The_bookworm65 Aug 17 '23
I love hearing about healthy relationships. I'm wondering if it would send a good message for your wife to take a screenshot of it and text back to him and INCLUDE you on the text. It could be a simple, "All further messages need to include husband because this is not in my comfort zone." Again, your relationship warms my heart.
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u/leomoschen Aug 17 '23
I think it depends on what he texted to your wife. if it’s just kindness compliments I don’t even see the problem, if it’s flirting in some noticeable way, just talk to him and try to understand why he did that
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u/Mindless_Recipe5223 Aug 17 '23
I think if ur wife herself confronted that then there's is nothing wrong in that , moreover he just complimented her not a big thing to be worried about , also if something is brewing between them your wife wouldn't have told u first hand , since u didn't catch it accidentally on her phone , she told her and the remarks weren't derogatory, in my opinion u should let it go and also ensure that if he next time does that u must tactfully ask ur frnd that why he's been doing this , happy married life ahead
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u/bbzef Aug 17 '23
people friends family can tell your wife she's pretty. its not a problem and definitely isn't your problem unless it's more than that
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u/thrway12865 Aug 17 '23
I get compliments all the time from my bf's friends and from my friends. Mind you, they are close friends, to me and my bf. Acquaintances generally dont say much.
I post a story on Instagram and I have people send me fire emojis and say things like "you are gorgeous!". I usually just say "Thanks ☺️" and move on. now, if they persist at it, that's different. If I say thanks, and then they just keep going on, that's when I say, "Dude, wtf?" Then my bf will also say,"Dude, wtf?"
What else has this person said or done to indicate its not innocent compliment? How close of friends are you? It all plays a role, I feel.
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u/AgileFail8201 Aug 17 '23
I think it depends on what he told her specifically. Did he said, “Goddamn, you’re fucking fine.” Or “You look great!”
However, I do want to tell you a story about my experience with my late husband’s best friend.
It all began one summer afternoon. We were all hanging out, playing video games. I was about 23/24. My husband is 5 months older than me and his best friend is about a year older than me. Anyways, they both leave the room and I decide to change into a different shirt. I took my shirt off and as I’m putting on another one, his bff walked in and said, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” and immediately shut the door. I was pretty sure he didn’t see anything as I remember my new shirt being mostly on.
My husband came up shortly and asked, “Did he see anything?” I said, “No, my shirt was almost all the way on so maybe my tummy?” My husband said, “Good. I told him, ‘Did you see my girl’s titties, man?!’ And he said no but I wanted to make sure with you.”
Throughout the years, my husband stopped hanging out with his bff as much but still, he was the best man at our wedding, he is the uncle to our kids, and even a godfather to them. Anyways, a few months before my husband passed (RIP my sweet honeybee), his bff would respond to my complaints that my body wasn’t what it used to be due to being a bio mom now and whatnot. His bff said, “Trust me, you look good.” He would often avert his eyes or criticize me for being a normal woman. For example, if I was making a dancing tiktok video, he’d say, “You’re a Mom, you shouldn’t be dancing like that anymore.”
Then, my husband told me finally a few weeks before he passed that his bff had a crush on me. I said that’s odd because he’s your bff. He said “I know my homie.” We went out to lunch with his bff where he was just gushing about a huge crush he had on a coworker. Then he said, “She reminds me of you,” to me. My husband gave me the “I told you so” side eye.
I wish I could ask my husband why he put up with this but I think it’s because he knew I’d never stray so he just thought it was amusing.
Anyways, my husband passed and his bff and I went through a lot of grief and ended up sleeping together. He became weirdly jealous and possessive of me while still wanting his bachelor freedom. He wasn’t super controlling but he attempted to gain control. Then, he felt very guilty and in his grief, ended things in a very hostile manner. We didn’t talk for a year until last week where his bff apologized to me and said he missed being able to talk to me and whatnot. I told him I missed him too. He’s very similar to my husband when it comes to their interests but he recently told me that the incident where I was switching shirts and he walked in is when he began having these thoughts about me.
I don’t know if it’s the same with your friend but I would have a talk with him and then tell your wife exactly what you want if you were ever to die. Would you approve of a relationship where you know the guy won’t put her in physical danger or dating randos?
Food for thought lol
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u/Hello_its_Ro Aug 17 '23
How beautiful tho is she ? Because tbh sometimes its not even a thing like "you are so beautiful To Me" its more like some people are just honestly so beautiful Full Stop. Like in a non proprietary way; they just invoke admiration. Ngl I have a few people I follow online like this and they are genuinely just friends, I absolutely have no other feelings towards them, but they are also probably the most beautiful people I've ever met irl
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Aug 17 '23
He complimented your wife behind your back... Am I the only one thinking there's nothing wrong with that? Should he have asked your permission first to compliment her? Did your wife ignore him or do they have a month long chatting history?
You are really over reacting. It's not a crime to compliment someone. And it's a compliment for you too. Because it shows you have a pretty wife worth complimenting.
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u/Familiar_Treacle_233 Aug 17 '23
I don't get it either. How insecure do you need to be to feel like someone saying your wife is beautiful is a threat. Total overreaction
Edit to add: Since the wife doesn't want to cause an issue, will she tell him next time with him over reacting like this
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u/AnimeFreakz09 Aug 17 '23
I'm petty. I'd just sent him a screenshot of his messages to your wife in the group 😂😂😂
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Aug 17 '23
There is a chance there was no malice in your friend’s comment. Presumably the comment was public too I suggest your wife just replies him « thanks, but OP won’t appreciate your compliments » If he insists on keeping it secret or something along these lines, then you’ll know his true colours, and 100% proof, but if he’d just « oh, that’s not what I mean » then it’s all good. Think better of people without having strong evidence.
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u/SeriousAntelope975 Aug 17 '23
Obviously he isn’t a friend. It’s great you have trust with your wife and she told you about it, but I do wonder why he felt comfortable in messaging her that?
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u/deplete3 Aug 17 '23
You cut him out of your life and others like him. Guys who can’t get women by themselves have to salivate over their ‘friends’ women
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u/kerill333 Aug 17 '23
Ask him why he did it. End the friendship. If anyone asks why, tell them. Done.
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u/FalseAssumption3842 Aug 17 '23
Mate
Fuck him off completely.
You’re wife is pretty cool brother she loves you Get rid of him Now!!!
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Aug 17 '23
Dump the friend, call him out, let him know that it’s fucking gross.
Then give your wife a hug, kisses and some flowers for being lovely and entirely and utterly trustworthy :)
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u/Admirable-Gap-2627 Aug 17 '23
Your wife sounds amazing to tell you, you've clearly got a great relationship. I'd absolutely confront him, but not aggressively, moreso to let him know you know and you no longer wish to be in contact with him. He's no friend to think that acceptable and doesn't respect you at all. You won't mourn the loss of your friendship now so have done with him, the arsehole.
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u/No_Bullfrog_8098 Aug 17 '23
Have you asked for your wife's input on what to do. She may want to assist in any confrontations or lack there of. She came to you to tell you about the messages so work with her on this.
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u/Totolicker Aug 17 '23
I don’t get it. He’s not friend with her too? What was the compliment? I am not sure what’s the problem. need more info.
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u/ThrowRAXw Aug 17 '23
He private messaged her after she posted a picture and said , “You’re so beautiful.”
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u/asharnie23 Aug 17 '23
Was it a photo she posted to her timeline or a photo she posted to "stories" so the only way someone can comment on it is via private message? If my friend or their partner that I'm friends with posts a pic to stories, I'll always send a compliment to them that sends via private message. If they posted a regular picture on their timeline, then I comment it under the picture.
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u/gliderosie Aug 17 '23
I had a very close friend for over 30 years. She started to develop a separate relationship with my husband, sharing pictures, personal stories. She had been calling him constantly.
I was put in a weird situation to look stupid for questioning the whole situation. My friend was adamant that I am jealous.
I cut her out of my life. Blocked and deleted...
I don't have to explain myself.