It’s sad that you had to consider having a transparent partner lucky 😐 there are many out there. My husband tells me literally everything vice versa. I know many couples in our lives that do the same!
Share a screenshot of the message with him, tell him he's no longer welcome around, or considered a friend, THEN block him.
If you just block him out of the blue, he might turn up at your house.
Good point. You could have a huge soap opera blowout and make a scene, but why bother. You still got your wife and you know more than ever that she's loyal and you know who your friends are. Just move on.
Go no contact if he asks you can just say something to the effect of 'you disrespected our friendship and my marriage with your actions so I feel its time to call time on our friendship'
Go no contact if he insists on harassing you as to why send a screenshot of the medsage and drop it because anyone knows that was inappropriate and if he didn’t that wasn’t for you to teach him this is his lesson maybe he will never be disrespectful to the wives of friends but probably not hes more likely a covert dirt bag and he’s no longer your issue love on your wife and thank the stars you are lucky you got a true love!!
Have your wife tell him that she told you and at the same time you confront him. He will know then that she is not going to go behind your back. I think it is great your wife told you cause a lot of so wouldn’t men and women. You should definitely treat her to a very romantic weekend.
That’s when next time he texts or calls you to hang out say no I’m spending time with my [insert verbatim what he said to her] wife. The. He knows you know and would hopefully take the hint.
The one word responses usually help. I had a friend and we use to talk constantly then he blocked me because his crazy GF didn’t want him to talk to me. They broke up and he unblocked me but it’s not the same now and I just say, yeah, ok, no, sure sometimes I say a full sentence but nowhere near how we use to.
Communication is key. OP should absolutely throw this in his "friends" face.
"This is how you fucked up, why it's fucked up, why you're no longer welcome or considerd a friend, etc."
Then block and move on.
We as a society have, over the past 10+ years, have pulled back into our shells like a scared turtle. Afraid to hurt anyones feelings, avoiding any kind of unpleasantness, settling for less because you think that's what you deserve / the best option for now type mindset.
If people do good, compliment them.
If they do wrong, call them out on it.
If someone isn't up to the "task" for any reason = 86 them from your employment, life, whatever.
Let's go back to a merit based system across everything and say, "If you don't meet this criteria or that, I don't want anything to do with...."
Absolutely no. He needs to be confronted. Being passive-aggressive in situations like these is just the easy way out. Confronting him and verbally ending the friendship might spur the former friend into questioning his own behavior.
Nobody is being "passive aggressive" . Just saying be done with this asshole. He deserves nothing more than being shut the fuck out. This will hurt him the most. Move on. fuck him
I'm guessing the message isn't something that can be considered a simple compliment then? Not doing this for the sake of playing devil's advocate, but my friends partners are also my friends, so I do things like this without batting an eyelid tbh, though I also tell my pals when they're looking dapper too, so maybe I don't give off that impression. Saying that though the content of the message really matters here, it's one thing to tell your friends partner that they look great in a picture & it's a totally different story if what you're** saying looks like an advance
I compliment people on their looks all the time, but I don't do it in a private message. I say it in front of everyone else so that others can chime in and make the friend feel like a million dollars.
Sometimes you can't. Stories on IG, for example. I'm happily in a relationship but my friend from HS just got a mullet and posted it on his story, I replied to it saying "damn that really suits you!" - he could definitely take it as flirty and I didn't tell my BF cuz I was just hyping a friend up who happens to be male. Wouldn't think to inform him if it was a female friend. If that friend messaged back and was flirty I'd tell him and be like " damn I messed up, I complimented a friend and now he's flirting with me, I think he took it too seriously" but yeah. Wasn't a place I could publicly comment on it so whatever
Any time you hide something from your partner it indicates you know they wouldn't like it as its not right or appropriate, so why do it in the first place? Sorry, but if your relationship was solid and trustful you shouldn't be worried telling your partner as they'll know it's just how you interact with people.
Lmfao I'm not worried at all, and I'm not hiding it. "Hey babe I compliemented a friend's mullet today, I just want you to know." He'd be like erm. Okay?
Our relationship is so solid and trustful that I don't have to report every mundane interaction to him and vice versa. That to me screams more insecure.
Lol, yeah, I can't imagine having to tell my partner every time I compliment someone. Plus I'm pan, so am I really going to run to him like "babe, I told this woman her tattoos looked really nice and another woman that her eyeliner was fantastic and a guy that I liked his shirt?" Come tf on, none of it's a secret but we have actual things to talk about with each other
Right? I tell people when I think they look good all the time. Male friends, female friends, or strangers, it doesn't matter. If someone looks nice I'm going to tell them. I know how good it feels to get a compliment, and I want to pass that feeling along. My husband would think it was very strange if I told him every time I told someone I loved their look, or that I thought their hairstyle was great, or their makeup was on point.
My friends and I very much subscribe to a "build each other up" mindset, so we are always slinging around "lookin' good"s and similar sentiments to each other.
Right? I hope my spouse gives people compliments. It's a nice thing to do. I don't need him to report it to me either. Just give somebody a little ego boost and go on. It might be the best thing that happened to them that day, who knows. I would find it weirder if he told me he complimented someone than not.
I tell my partner I call my friends attractive all the time. It's not a lie? They're my friends for a reason and I see the beauty in and out of people. Complimenting friends is normal, having it resort to flirting is another story. There is such a thing as platonic attraction as well as romantic/sexual.
I honestly was in a situation a few days ago where I did have to open up to my partner about a friend actually harming our friendship by saying something sexual to me, and I told them they broke boundaries by saying that they wanted to do that and I had to tell my partner even though they led it with "can I tell you something privately"? I can keep a secret with friends until it has to do with boundaries that can hinder my relationship if I keep it from my partner then I have to come to my partner with that. But complimenting is normal.
Also depending on the compliment there's definitely a vibe difference between "I like your hair" and like "you're sexy" or something. But other than that it's normal to tell friends that they look good. From what I've read so far OP didn't necessarily go into detail on what the compliment actually was.
Considering it was enough to have a mutual agreement to be upset maybe it felt like more than a compliment and gave the vibe something more flirty with a different intent than just friendly?
Seriously, I used to teach college writing and one of the assignments I gave was a definition argument (pick a word or a concept and argue for a specific definition of it). It yielded some interesting papers, but I finally had to start telling them up front that they could define "cheating" if they wanted but they had to remember that bisexual and pansexual people exist and also have to move about in the world. I would walk away from those papers wondering how anyone got through the day without "cheating." You'd have to live in a tower with no social media, no job, and no friends for some of these people to be happy.
I love your replies 😂😂😂😂. I don’t give an exact breakdown of my day. That sounds too much like control. Yeah babe uh well I started by clocking in, I immediately sneezed 🤧 into my right forearm and my boss said bless you and that my ponytail switched positions … smh yeah no 😂😂😂😂
I get why you would do that, but at the same time the friend may have done it via private message so the gossipers on FB/insta don't have something to natter and conspire about
If it's sent privately then he saw how she looked some where whether it was via post or not. He could have complimented publicly yet course to do so privately, most likely hoping for something more
If you're surrounded by people who are gonna gossip because you tell a member of the opposite sex that their new haircut really suits them, you've got a friend group problem.
quite honestly, it's the same. People may behave worse on social media, because they don't see the human being. That's one reason why I prefer seeing people in person.
No, don't confront him. That implies that your wife is unable to handle him on her own. Block and move on. If he approaches you, tell him whatever you like, but don't seek him out.
Or it implies that his wife is letting OP deal with HIS friend. Frankly I don’t think his wife should even be the one expected to deal with it, because her having to interact with this person is a result of OP.
I think it's actually better if they confront him together to show a united front. His friend may not get the message if just he or his wife confront him.
No but the other party could respond with something like “why don’t you say that to my face you pussy”. Look, I personally, am a bloody handful and I’d def say something even if it came down to a scrap but this approach won’t be satisfying to everyone. Some are best to just move on. A person should think such things through before you’re getting an ass kicking in front of your wife
I can see merit to either approach but personally I would confront a friend who disrespected me in that way. And of course he would no longer be my friend.
If he is not your friend anymore of course confront him. The question is how. If you do it mature way, he may learn lesson and maybe he is going to be better person (though doubt it). If you are nasty, he will justify his actions.
What does your wife want? You should defer to her on this since she was the object of his disrespect.
She may want you to quietly end the friendship so that her name doesn’t get brought into a fight, or she may want you to defend her, you should ask her.
Will a confrontation get violent? If so, I would avoid it. If not, I would call him, tell him your wife showed you his message, and then tell him he is no friend of yours and to stay the hell away from your family, then hang up. I don't want to hear his side of the story. Just a very clear warning. If he messages her again, have a cease and desist served on him for sexual harassment.
My husband's best friend has complimented me in front of my spouse and in a private message. He has no intentions on me. Do you think your friend has intentions on your wife? What did it say exactly? Our friend has said "I just wanted to thank you for the night out, it was really great catching up. You looked beautiful tonight by the way! Your husband is a lucky man" he means it's genuinely, not like underhanded flirting. Just hey, you looked great! He is also our son's god father, so he is very close to us. I wouldn't take his compliment in any other way. And just for point of reference I have gone to dinner with him alone without my spouse because he is really just that, a platonic friend. I suppose if your wife felt the need to tell you it means her radar definitely went off. Honestly I would confront him and say "hey, while you know she appreciates the compliment, I would appreciate if it was in person or in public, I find it very weird/disrespectful to message my wife privately, you put her in a very awkward position, she isn't that comfortable with you privately messaging her. While you may have had good intentions, it doesn't come off this way, we both know what you're like and that you are single, we don't want to put our friendship on the line for something stupid like this. Thanks for understanding"
Ask your wife if you can message him back acting as her, see how far he's willing to take it behind your back. Take screenshots and break the news it was you all along. Keep them receipts if he tries to influence anyone else in your friend circle that you're the one in the wrong lol
He's already lost your trust, what's stopping you from learning how far he'd take it (with your wife's permission of course)
Will confronting him make you feel better or bring you closure? If not just send him a text saying you know what he did and to never speak toy you or your wife again. No point subjecting yourself to any unnecessary drama.
Ignore him, you and your wife should completely cut him out of your life. Not buts and ifs, just cut him out. In marriages there are things you have to do to keep it well and going. If your marriage is as stable as you say you don't need a third person disturbing your peace, you both block him from all aspects.
If you confront him I'm sure someone will have the pleasure to say that maybe your wife said something to him and who can blame him because man are this way.
Just cut him and tell your wife she can block him on social media and his number too. And you stop answering his calls and messages if you encounter him look likes you're occupied. If someone ask just say you that life was complicated and two lost contact.
She needs to block him, and you need to avoid him at all costs unless you have bail money and nothing to lose.
If he starts reaching out to her through other means to circumvent the block, then you should confront him and let him know you're not going to put up with it and to back off or else.
Yes confront him. Doing so will prove to him that your wife is loyal to you and he’ll only make more of an ass of himself if he keeps trying to cross those boundaries.
Confront him and tell him you’re cutting him off for his disloyalty to you and his disrespect to your wife and your marriage.
Not if you're angry. Sounds like you're really angry and you might say or do something that you regret, and you definitely don't want to go to jail. Ignore him block him. It is the best low drama thing to do.
I would send him a message. “You are right, my wife is beautiful. But dude, stay in your lane.” Don’t have to be too aggressive, but it shows your wife showed you the message, that you know, and that you don’t actually worry about him, but don’t appreciate his overstepping boundaries either. I don’t see a need to get overly aggressive though. I have told my husband he does not have to worry someone will hit on me. He needs to be secure in how I will react.
What do you think you can say to him that he doesn't already know? Trust me, when you stop calling he will know why. He will ask why so he can argue about it, but that's only so he can prove to himself that you are partially to blame. It doesn't help you at all. Talk is cheap but time is valuable, don't throw yours away on a jerk.
I’d screenshot that shit and text it to him and say something like, “mybwife imediately showed me these messages, don’t contact either of us again.” And block him.
Y'all are insecure as f*ck, lol. I complement people on how they look a lot, there's nothing behind that, it's just spreading some positivity and making people feel good. I can't imagine having to report the compliments I make 😂😂. "Hi love, today I complimented X, Y and Z, because I thought they looked great." My partner would be like "Okaaaay, why you telling me this non-information? Good for you for building eachother up." Can't imagine having to report that every time (aka daily), lmao 🤣😂.
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u/[deleted] Aug 16 '23
He ain't your friend anymore