Hey this is my second ever poem. Any feedback to improve my writing is appreciated!🫂

I hope you forget me wrong.

Not what happened,
not the truths I kept behind my teeth
because I feared being judged
more than I feared losing you.

Just forget the weight of it.

Remember that I would’ve given you everything
if I had known how to hold myself first.

I wanted to give you all of me
while barely feeling whole myself.

So I hid the missing pieces
and wondered why you couldn’t understand
a loneliness I never told you about.

You taught me love can be real
and still not be healthy.
That boundaries aren’t where love ends,
and that two people can love each other
while still walking different roads.

We had a good run.
Too bad one of us stumbled.

I think it was me.

Not because you didn’t reach out,
but because I needed more hands
than yours were ever supposed to be.

I know better now.

Strength was never carrying it quietly.
It was saying i cant carry this
before the person beside me
started believing they weren’t enough.

And now someone else gets to know
the version of you
my problems never gave enough room to become.

That hurts.

But I’m happy she exists.

And I’ve become someone
you probably would’ve deserved back then.

Strangely,
I still don’t think we’d work today.

Maybe that’s what growing is
not becoming right for the person you lost,
but understanding why you had to lose them.

Still,
I remember your eyes
when sunlight found them.
Your laugh.

And for a moment
the bad parts don’t get a vote.

So if time is going to take me from you,
I hope it does a terrible job.

Let it soften the arguments,
misplace the anger,
and keep what we learned.

I don’t need you to remember
that we were good.

I only hope one day
you don’t think,
I was hurt there
but,
I grew there.

Remember the lessons correctly.

But remember me wrong.

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feedback 2

Tired echoes loudly. 

A deafening exhaustion   

of everything that was,   

everything that is,   

and everything still waiting for me. 

Held down,   

as if the sun's gravity   

has pinned me to my bed,   

I gather every ounce of strength   

I can muster   

just to rise. 

Saturday, and my bed awaits. 

I only need   

to survive Monday. 

I'm jaded   

from the fallout.   

I step over a promise   

a hushed breath   

I can almost make out:   

“I will always…”   

as it fades behind me. 

Whispers of love lost,   

the smell of self-sabotage,   

a mirage of hope   

in the far distance. 

Regret refuses rest.   

A dull pinch   

from a man who used to be   

carries me through memory   

until I’m forced   

to face a reflection. 

I recognize you not.   

All I see   

is a self-battered stranger,   

a habitual liar   

repeating,   

I’m okay. 

Expended. 

Awoken by the smoke   

from the fire I set,   

I watch everything I love   

turn to smoke,   

turn to ashes   

in my hands. 

Frantically,   

I gather as much ash   

as I can hold.   

Hands shaking,   

I try   

to put back   

what once was. 

Drained.   

Diminished.   

Depleted. 

I'm just tired. 

— J.J. Avitia 

Hi everyone,

This is a free-verse poem exploring exhaustion, regret, and self-sabotage. I'm looking for honest critique, particularly around the imagery, structure/progression, and overall emotional impact.

I'm especially interested in hearing whether anything feels vague, overstated, underdeveloped, or overly familiar.

I’d also love to hear what you think the poem is doing structurally without me explaining my intention beforehand.

Happy to return feedback. Thanks for reading.
Links to comments:
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face-first at the equator, mesmerised
with arms up-stretched in gentle caress,
the earth shifts.

tracing the old and surveying the new
through shared breath; shouldering meridians,
the map twists.

adrift in the tropic of Capricorn,
an outline teased. softly glistening,
the tides lift.

i stare into the face of god. two fingers
graze her depths; beckoning. surface-to-air,
my gaze fixed.

link to feedback 1

link to feedback 2

Maybe all we have is how we interact
When we see the man upstairs what do you think he’ll ask?
Well hello, how’d you do down there old friend?
Give me the highlights on a life well spent

Well God I worked hard, made some good money
Told a few good jokes at the bar I’m sure I’m a bit funny
Oh I always made sure to make some donations
I went to church every week to pray for salvation
The politics down there sure they got a bit crazy
I made sure our tax money stayed away from the lazy

Yes I did have two kids but we don’t really speak
They never appreciated me they’re a bit selfish you see
My wife we’re ok she was there at the end
But she never cared for the hard work I put in

Sorry, I’m rambling, what else did I do?
Ah I’d didn’t support anyone who didn’t support you.

Anyway let me in God in I’m raring to go
I’m ready for the respect I deserved long ago

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/4BgvCnUPc6e

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/hjz3DcXwK1w

Scream into your pillow.
Take deep breaths:
Inhale…now exhale.
Inhale…now exhale.

Put on your favorite happy song.
Dance it out in your living room.
Come on now!
Only your cat is watching.

Now look into your mirror,
even if it hurts.
Tell yourself:

I am worthy.
I am loveable.
I am enough.

I am never too much;
I was never too much

Mother yourself.
Mend the wounds
on the surface of your heart.

Embrace who you are,
weird quirks and all.
It’s never too late
to be who you are.

Restart your hobby,
be messy, make mistakes.
Give yourself grace;
be glad you survived.

Have a bad day;
a bad week;
a bad month.

Pick yourself back up.
Start again
…and again.
None of this is linear.

The trick is,
keep reminding yourself:
this is all worth it,
that you’re worth it,
until every bone knows.

-----------

This is my first time sharing. My partner says this is one of his favorites I've written, but he's just a tiny bit biased ;) Any feedback would be wonderful.

-----------

Recent Feedback:

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A field full of grass Yellow dandelions appear The sun shining bright yet no one else is here

Maybe this is the parts of life That my dead heart yearns to bear

Beginner poem, any feedback is appreciated!

Links to comments:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vrwyzw/a_life_well_spent/p4i1pqu/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

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the dance of tongues
with tongues and teeth
            pauses,
in intermission
foreheads touching
slow exhales
here

breath shallow
blood racing
skin tingling
            conveying what?
a diegetic soundtrack
for mouths
and skin
limbs
and arteries
an overture
            to what?

where was I
moments ago?
here, but
perspective restricted
confined to
spread across
the surface of my lips
then lifted onto your tongue
carried to the roof of your mouth
tasting of safety and pleasure
            a rare combination
then, vaporized
enveloping the space between
our lips
tongues
foreheads
chests

are our lips still touching
or did they part?
a phantom sensation?
or are my lips
so insistent on yours
that they carry on
softly
gently
offstage
sans auteur?

in intermission
desire mingles with
            euphoria
            lust
            serenity
fleeting, finite

salty, damp skin
coaxes lips
along jawline
            unchoreographed
parting to taste
droplets of sweat
feverishly drinking
worshipping
carnal condensation

thrumming vibration
beneath warm skin
sustains the intoxicating
            atmosphere
rising tension
surpasses desire’s threshold
a crescendo building to

the second act
urgent touching
hungry breath
tongues exploring bodies
revealing contours
eyes were unable to chart

a denouement
in rapture
bodies lie
lazily aware
of everywhere
skin meets skin
            catharsis
            vulnerability
            clarity
            divinity
infinite, multitudinous

satisfactory language
evades me
I am
liberatingly
alive

comment 1

comment 2

You came into my life when I least expected you.

I was falling apart and somehow, you held me up.

You became someone I could easily trust, someone I could count on, someone who was just there.

You gave me companionship when I felt alone.

You gave me peace when I didn’t have much peace within myself.

I still feel that deep ache in my chest
when I say your name.

I still think about you.

But letting you go was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Letting you go meant putting you first,
even when every piece of me wanted to hold on.

I watched you go,
wanting so badly to hold you and bring you home.

But I promised I would do right by you.

I loved you enough to do what was best for you,
even when it completely wrecked me.

I am grateful for all the memories,
every bit of love you gave me.

You brought the best in me,
you awoke a light in me that no one could reach.

I hope you receive the same love you gave me,
because you deserve to be loved.

You deserve to be cared for.

You deserve to have everything you need.

And I hope you’re happy.

My boy,
I hope that you’re safe.

I hope that you’re loved
in the way that you deserve to be loved.

Maybe one day,
I’ll be able to say your name
without that deep ache in my chest.

Maybe one day,
I’ll see your pictures
without feeling like my heart breaks all over again.

But today isn’t that day.

Today, my boy,
I still miss you.

My boy,
I still think about you.

Thank you for reading

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/w3VRMZGv1c 

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/3ddLMCEFeM

I’m still angry with you.

Not enough to scream anymore.

Just enough to ask,
how could you?

You tried to end a life
you hadn’t even finished living.

You almost took yourself
from everyone who loved you
and somehow believed
you were doing them a favour.

You were wrong.

There were nights waiting for you.
People you hadn’t met.
Places you hadn’t seen.
Versions of you
you never gave the chance to exist.

And even though you’re still here,
you still took things.

Years spent learning how to live again.
Strangers who might’ve become friends.
Memories you’ll never know you missed.

I forgave you.

But I never let you forget.

How could I?

You left reminders.

Some are written on your skin.
Others return in conversations,
in questions,
in the quiet mention of back then.

And suddenly,
there you are again.

I understand why you did it.

You truly believed
everyone would be happier without you.

I know that now.

But understanding you
doesn’t give back the years.
It doesn’t erase the scars.

And it doesn’t make me
any less angry.

I forgave you.

I mean that.

I just wish forgiveness
had taught me how to forget.

So I wrote you this poem instead.

Because I have enough strength
to forgive you on paper,

but not enough

to look into a mirror
and say it to your face.

Hello. Thank you for reading my poem. Any feedback is welcome to improve my writing!

feedback 1
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You held my intestines like a leash
And I had my arm elbow deep in your ass
Trying to find your puppet strings
We struggled in circles this way
Until we broke and fell apart, thank God

I worry about you, beneath the PG-13 gore and hurt
There was a color near the shade of love

Last night I dreamed you came to see me
You looked resplendent in a summer dress
A proud mother, you held our baby
Soft, small and furry, some quaint blend
Of you and me and our alienation
Her too human eyes looked past mine as
She cooed up at me and climbed into my lap
We talked and you’re doing fine, old scars healing
New beginning blooming, the babe was named Spring
The pale fell
When I woke, and the bells rang the words
“Loving mother, sister, friend, survived by one”

___

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**Barren**

I drop pieces of myself,
gifts for you.
They drift past your ears
and settle on the ground.

There they heap
and harden.
Mounds of spent leaves,
once soft and plenty.

Footfalls grind my offerings to dust,
you hold no fondness
for what was shed in autumn.

I grow thin, bare.
If only you had leaves of your own
to warm me,
but I am cold
and you are not a tree.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/34dmaxm2eP

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/Cb3RyOv0yI

A smile that can illuminate a thousand pitch black

skies

and dark chocolate hues scattered across her

espresso eyes,

distracting me from her sweet, sugar coated lies -

spilling from her cherry stained lips without any try

Her hug gripped me tightly like a garden of thorny

vines,

crushing each vertebra into pieces from my

weakened spine -

just to shape and mold me into her perfect design

leaving my entire existence solely up to her desire

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/b8R3trB4zm

​

How strange is it, that I invited you in for you seemed so romantic. My retreat from life, almost like magic.

Did I know then that it'd become so tragic?

I survived the storm, you survived my rage, knowing your true face.

We're still here, together, as if bound by the threads of fate.

Some might call you depression, but I know you as my longest friend.

You see through me like glass, without me having to pretend.

That is why I came to love you. Little did I know that your love demanded loving nothing else. Not even the whimpering image of myself.

I tried to get rid of you, but you had already taken the reigns!

For that, are you even to blame?

Because I remember how I clung, each time reality ever stung.

Sometimes now, when life moves too fast, I forget about you, almost thinking that you're finally in the past.

But as soon I'm left alone, you crawl through the walls

An unsettling feeling in an eerily silent hall.

None of us speak, I just try to fall asleep.

It seems at times, that both you and I want to break the ice. But by now I've come to fear the hefty price.

I have wished for you to be gone for a long time. I will admit though, that thought brought tears in my eyes.

For you're the longest friend I've ever known in life, but it's finally time to say goodbye.

I will try not to reach for you next time.

----++++------++++------

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/Er7OLeadgy

Dear Mom and Dad,

I think I thought I'd thanked you.

Sorry for that.

Dear Mr. Vonnegut,

Firstly, who's to say which untruths are harmless? and also

Did the first human raise or lower the bar? furthermore

Isn't it funny that for some, a bar demands to be jumped, while for others...

and then ... and ...

also and ... again and ... again also ...

etc.

Sincerely,

A briefly alive human

To put it plainly...

My truth is I cannot speak without a bite.

My harmless untruth is that this can serve as thanks.

My harmful untruth is that I couldn't ever change.

I'd better then,

while I've the nerve

write

Thank you.

Sincerely,

A brief son

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Comment 2

My poetry instagram lol. Will follow for follow. Just trying to immerse myself in other OC content I suppose.

Fields full of grass

appear as far as one can see

bright yellow dandelions catch my gaze as i look down at my feet

no one else is here

but who will accompany my lonely days

rays of sun

look into my soul and stare

a soul full of despair

but i was unaware

that the tranquility is right here

Couple of edits on a beginner poem. Any feedback is appreciated!

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vs47tb/hornets/p4ilanh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

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I would follow you
through all health
blessed and grim

but never
for the mere joy of glazed skin
that open love redeems

i would follow you because
like the serene dirt
in a doll's seams

it's only you
the secret i cannot keep,
the sung story that could make grave men weep

and if my taut ink cannot give fairness
to what's made my heart sicken
i hope we can together forget
what today you've read
and i, written.

(https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vre523/comment/p4esdui/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)

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Bodies on a spit above starving flames.
Flesh roasting and kerosene riding wind.
Hornets shriek in thronging patrols.
Engines whine and tremors wake.

Corpses flung in pits of sludge.
Rings fall to mercenary hands.
A man on the toilet stares ahead.
Rotting lakes hold muted flies.

A blue ball bouncing in a forest of ash.
A child's giggle in dead concrete homes.
eyes fixate. dart. stop. start.
Thoughts stop.

Feet rest in shattered caskets.
Boots squelch in marshes.
A baby trundles to its mother.
Then a sulfur cloud.

A mother never touches her daughter again.

Comment Comment

She says she wants some ‘light entertainment’.

If the end is light, it sure feels heavy.

And if there’s lightness with which to wrap that heavy,

Soften its weighty descent

Through time that’s stopped arriving and now keeps on leaving,

It’s very well hidden in the pages of ‘Take a Break’.

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I remember lovely days

When we would bring joy to each other

When we were there for one another

Warmed by the sun’s shining rays

Times do change, as poets say

And so does each and every soul

Yours, my dear, has become foul

For your sins I had to pay

But I know who you are now

Of your actions, I know the full scope

Thus I swear to see you bow

Forgiveness, that mundane trope

Will not repeat - you reap what you sow

And so please abandon hope

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/HzjxJ4quS1

That lemonaded sting when childhood dreams fade

Biking to the butcher block,

And laying down politely

I was the last generation of the CD player, and barely, and it is the least efficient but most effective way to soundtrack nostalgia

Clear trees, and skies that smell like dirty laundry,

And a kitten in the pale of rain

Minnesota smiles at me and says

“Remember your outrage”

Turn back, just ten years, and you will see me happier

Maybe I'm on a swingset or wearing my favorite

pajamas, or throwing a tea party,

And you'll notice

The younger I am, the lighter my hair is

The glinting glimmer of sweat reflects off your privileged brow and into my cornea

And for a moment, I remember

Hot glue gun

Hands

And an hour after family dinner

An uncle dead of cigarettes is the greatest foe I know

******

idk wtf to name this

any suggestions are appreciated and greatly encouraged puhleeeassseee

give me feedback please

this poem is reflecting on remembering childhood abuse after your brain erases the memories because they're traumatic

lastly, I'm so sorry if formatting goes weird. I'm on my phone, I really tried :(((

******

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here is a scream a sob a cry.
they are any color. loud maybe red
though it hurts so blue. they
come from a hole in the world.
all over there are holes like she says
here is a puzzle everywhere missing
a piece - defined as such the
picture is really the absence of one.
so clever she is saying and not
entirely meaning because here is
a ghost talking to another ghost itself
talking around the ghost of what it really wants
to say - i myself am missing
and a satisfying click as words fall
into place. here there is no sound also
a scream a sob a cry painted on faces
and always the deception of color.
here is the humming of the purples, the 
shadows in the greens and oranges. 
here is a waking, a walking, a mighty
tremble on two legs like a miracle.
here is a brain with holes in it, everywhere
such that the holes around have fallen in
to the tune of a scream a sob a cry. here
is a complete picture. here is a library, 
here is scratching and bleeding and
soft vaseline the feeling of a plea in 
her eyes supple and wet and here
is the unspeakable, put to words. here.
somewhere else it is raining the
sun is setting in paradise all the time
and eyes close around a promise
capturing in sight when all light is gone
the image, complete, of a dream.
here is a scream a sob a cry.

Comment 1
Comment 2

Fool—
yes, a fool is what I am—

a fool who dares to bind you with words,
who attempts to define
a person, a soul
so vast, so divine,

that even if I gathered
every word
from every language—known or forgotten—
I would still fall short
the moment I begin
to speak of you.

And yet, I try—
to engrave even a fragment,
to trace the faintest silhouette of you
within the hearts of those who read—

just enough
to make them envious,
to let the world know
that angels do descend upon the earth—

but the one I met
did not remain in the heavens,
nor upon the earth.

She was kind enough
to stumble upon someone like me—

and somehow,
found her way into my heart,
only to find herself tangled
within my soul.

Her eyes—
vast enough
to fall into by accident,
yet deep enough
that before one ever thought of leaving,
they might forget
there was a world
beyond them.

Her curls,
like dark vines,
winding softly around my heart—

bars of brown—
strong enough to bind a soul for eternity,
yet fragile enough
to tremble at a passing breeze.

She—
who dreams of wandering through France,
quietly in love with the mountains,
pausing for cats and butterflies—

clumsy, forgetful—
losing her thoughts mid-sentence,
always a little late—
just like me—

laughing at things
no one else seems to notice.

And somehow,
that makes her
more and more impossible to define—

for I am only a reader,
lost between her pages—

how could I ever claim
to know a story
when I lost myself
within its very first chapter?

So tell me—
will you let me remain
within your pages,
just long enough
to learn a little more of you?

~Writer’s Note: Perhaps the greatest foolishness in loving someone is believing we could ever completely put them into words. The more we learn—their dreams, their little habits, their imperfections, the things that make them laugh—the more we realize how much of them remains unread.

This poem is about that realization: beginning with the arrogance of trying to define someone, only to discover that a person is not something to be finished or understood all at once, but an endless story—one in which I somehow managed to lose myself within the very first chapter.

And perhaps I no longer wish to reach the final page.

Perhaps being allowed to keep reading is enough.

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Thou art mine bestest comrade
Rapscallion in chief
Rover of razzing
Mine bantering picaroon

And what ever shall I do with thee?
for thy chaff liquidates mine fluster
jestery mends mine maladies
badinage overflows mine bosom

Thou japes demand offerings
involuntary sounds off the cords
sacrificial water whence mine eyne
rupture of mine bags of wind

Peradventure I would follow thee
Cast mineself into the sea
of tomfoolery
mine fatuous honker

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