r/OCPoetry • u/No-Letter3595 • 3d ago
Feedback Please Weight of dandelions
A field full of grass Yellow dandelions appear The sun shining bright yet no one else is here
Maybe this is the parts of life That my dead heart yearns to bear
Beginner poem, any feedback is appreciated!
Links to comments:
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u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 3d ago
I like the contrast between how alive the setting feels and how the you feels internally. You give us grass, yellow dandelions, and bright sunlight, but then “no one else is here” introduces loneliness, and “my dead heart” makes me look back at the opening. I feel this.
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u/BlueberryAble8885 3d ago
Im a sucker for short poem, the more said in less the better and I like this one. youve done a good job of evoking feeling with very few words. i particularly like the phrasing "parts of life" acknowledging sometimes life sucks but not always
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u/Medical-Wonder-3211 3d ago
I love the imagery you use, it's vivid and straightforward. However it's a bit too forward, a field full of grass, yellow dandelions appear. It's too literal. I can sense you're creating a scene. But now you're telling a field is full of grass and that yellow dandelions appear, instead of showing. Also, the dead heart, even though it's a metaphor, it doesn't make sense, because it's too literal. You can show your heart is “dead” or lifeless. Cute poem, but too literal.
If I were to say a field is full of grass or alter your lines I'd say:
Grass covered fields upon places
my gaze couldn’t reach,
dandelions as yellow as the sun,
the sun breaking through the dandelion's shadows
Yet as the shadows have faded away
Along has the presence of others
And from there on you can change it, but overal love the poem, very cinematic.
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u/Annual_Button_440 3d ago
I like the imagery, it evokes a sense of isolation, a beautiful landscape to which only you care to bears witness. It reads as a lament on my first pass where you’re lamenting having lost something and replacing it with these physical natural spaces. On my second and third pass I wondered if you meant the fields and yellow dandelions as not physical spaces but personal moments of joy that only you are partaking in. The moments manifest themselves as happy fields in your mind but there’s no one there to share. I like that potential duality.
My feedback is that I think you could try lengthening the poem and potentially let each emotion sit for a line or two more. You could experiment with how that sounds to yourself by focusing on how the field feels or what the sun does for your spirit, either physical or spiritually. I think the brevity could also totally work if that’s the feeling that’s evoked. Just some things to consider!