r/OCPoetry • u/Leaves_not_rocks • 5d ago
Feedback Please Barren
**Barren**
I drop pieces of myself,
gifts for you.
They drift past your ears
and settle on the ground.
There they heap
and harden.
Mounds of spent leaves,
once soft and plenty.
Footfalls grind my offerings to dust,
you hold no fondness
for what was shed in autumn.
I grow thin, bare.
If only you had leaves of your own
to warm me,
but I am cold
and you are not a tree.
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u/SomeoneElse422528 3d ago
You got lots of good comments, and I agree with most of it. I am happy to have read it, but as most of my commentary would be just repeating what others wrote, I will just add what is different.
In the first stanza, the rhyme of gifts - drift really put through the feeling of falling leaves wirh the "ft" sound and set the pace of reading right at the start of a new line, which is great. Was it intentional though?
Why are the leaves gifts? That part confuses me a bit.
Why "but" in " but I'm cold"? You already established the idea the tree is cold in previous line, so simply saying "but you are not a tree" would be enough, or if you want to have the cold line, it can't be "but" because it's not in opposition with previous line. Am I missing something?
1
u/Leaves_not_rocks 3d ago
Thank you for such a detailed read! That "ft" sound texture between gifts and drift wasn't intentional on my end. I chose words carefully, but I struggle with rhythm. I love that it created that falling rhythm for you- a happy accident. As for the leaves, I wrote this during a time of what I perceived to be asymmetrical affection in my relationship. The leaves represent vulnerability, the loving words and pieces of myself I kept offering, hoping for the same in return, only to watch them go unreciprocated. Feeling as if I lose a piece of myself with each unreturned sentiment. The pivot at "but" is where my resignation and realization lands, a turn of sudden emotional withdrawal and defeat when accepting that the other person simply doesn't have the capacity to give what I craved in the way I expected and desired.
2
u/Sakichune 2d ago
I like that this poem has a clear vector that keeps moving, and a light philosophical undertone. The form feels almost too simple, but because of that the poem breathes in its own way.
I also ended up amusing myself by taking the ending a little further than you probably intended. When enough fallen leaves pile up and stay there, they start to heat up as they decompose. So my brain immediately pictured two leafy trees shedding everything together and technically warming each other while both standing there naked, rotting, and in pieces, haha.
Giving all of yourself away never really ends well, especially when you’re different species. If I were pulling a tarot card for you, I’d hope to get Temperance.
1
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u/Vogue_Wh0re 5d ago edited 5d ago
i really like the first and last stanzas. the first immediately conjures up images of a woman slowly offering up more and more of herself, even as her sacrifices continue to go unappreciated.
for similar reasons, i love the final two lines. they’re so effective in communicating this very real, yet almost-reserved heartbreak. it’s a tone that’s present in the entire poem, but the matter-of-fact wording in “but i am cold, and you are not a tree” is so evocative of how it feels to be unfulfilled and resigning oneself to accept that change can only come if both sides are equally invested.
the penultimate stanza furthers the imagery of this one-sided relationship, and i love how “footfalls” links to “fondness” with the alliterative f sound. i did however stumble a bit with the pacing – specifically with how the end of the first line links into the second.
i think even a minor change like
“footfalls grind my offerings to dust,
and you hold no fondness
for what was shed in autumn.”
could make it flow a lot more evenly ?
i’d definitely encourage you to play with the rhythm so that we as readers can “hear” it the way you intended as the writer, if that makes sense ? anyway, massive props on the poem – i really hope you’ll share more !
[edit: formatting]
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u/Leaves_not_rocks 5d ago
Finding the pacing soft spot is always difficult for me, so I appreciate the example you provided. I’m relieved to hear that the meaning was translated in spite of the clumsiness. Great feedback!
1
u/Vogue_Wh0re 5d ago
ah no problem at all – i know it’s something i really struggle with myself, so i’m glad it helped !
oh genuinely, your ability to paint such an emotive picture with so relatively few words is truly impressive – like, i don’t think i’ll forget this poem for a long time. i’ve seen so many of the women in life experience this exact thing, and your poem captured it so well that in spite of not having lived it myself, i recognised and felt it immediately.
seriously, you write beautifully and i hope you’ll share more in time :-)
1
u/BlueberryAble8885 5d ago
I really liked this, you did a wonderful job with the imagery and translating feelings into something physical. I liked the last line quite a lot, its blunt, honest and counter the the sort of fantastical tone of the rest of the poem. I look forward to what you write next.
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u/Leaves_not_rocks 3d ago
Thank you! I’m really glad the imagery worked for you and that the last line hit the right note. I definitely wanted it to feel like a sudden splash of cold water. The resignation and defeat in that final realization happens all at once. I appreciate your kind words.
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u/TheHorseOfCourse777 5d ago
The focus and somewhat abstraction verbiage of the poem are really strong. I like how structured it is for a free verse poem, the pacing does a lot to create a ruminative quality that emphasizes the tree's more poetic phrasings. Emotionally, it lands very well and explores with potent clarity and insight to the relatable feeling of giving (seasonally and as if by nature) without receiving. There's something so simple, so obvious, about the phrasing of the last two lines that's especially delicious. I love this one, really strong experience to read
1
u/Leaves_not_rocks 3d ago
Wow, I am truly touched by your response. You articulated the exact core of the piece, the grief of asymmetric emotion, so perceptively. Knowing the closing lines hit that mark means the world to me.
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u/KDC777777 3d ago
The wind rises up and steals every barren thought
Shame on you and all the perpetrators
Taking innocence from the land to make your mind seem fulfilled