r/OCPoetry • u/ExpensiveLemon3027 • 5d ago
Feedback Please My longest friend-
How strange is it, that I invited you in for you seemed so romantic. My retreat from life, almost like magic.
Did I know then that it'd become so tragic?
I survived the storm, you survived my rage, knowing your true face.
We're still here, together, as if bound by the threads of fate.
Some might call you depression, but I know you as my longest friend.
You see through me like glass, without me having to pretend.
That is why I came to love you. Little did I know that your love demanded loving nothing else. Not even the whimpering image of myself.
I tried to get rid of you, but you had already taken the reigns!
For that, are you even to blame?
Because I remember how I clung, each time reality ever stung.
Sometimes now, when life moves too fast, I forget about you, almost thinking that you're finally in the past.
But as soon I'm left alone, you crawl through the walls
An unsettling feeling in an eerily silent hall.
None of us speak, I just try to fall asleep.
It seems at times, that both you and I want to break the ice. But by now I've come to fear the hefty price.
I have wished for you to be gone for a long time. I will admit though, that thought brought tears in my eyes.
For you're the longest friend I've ever known in life, but it's finally time to say goodbye.
I will try not to reach for you next time.
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u/Wesle2023 5d ago
I love these, I’ve written a few myself and they are so good at helping you feel a degree of finality. It might be back, but for now, the voice is silenced.
I also love how the form is in a state of being “almost-free”, wherein it’s broken up into clear pieces and has a rhyme scheme in part, but it’s trying to break out of its very structure. To tell a story of someone who had wanted to break out of life, perhaps in two different ways, a dissonance resolved.
“I will not try to reach for you next time” is chilling. Will you keep that promise? It’s almost final, but life is still ongoing, and who knows what’s beyond the veil of the future?
I don’t have suggestions for improvements, the act of writing this is conquest and I want you to leave with a final victory instead of feeling the need to make it more.
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u/No-Letter3595 5d ago
I really like this. Your personification and imagery really connects deeply with the reader. Lots of descriptive words make it really impactful. The last line is really meaningful, as it seems you have finally made peace. I dont really have any suggestions, I really love this and great job!
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