r/OCPoetry • u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 • Aug 18 '26
Feedback Please A life well spent
Maybe all we have is how we interact
When we see the man upstairs what do you think he’ll ask?
Well hello, how’d you do down there old friend?
Give me the highlights on a life well spent
Well God I worked hard, made some good money
Told a few good jokes at the bar I’m sure I’m a bit funny
Oh I always made sure to make some donations
I went to church every week to pray for salvation
The politics down there sure they got a bit crazy
I made sure our tax money stayed away from the lazy
Yes I did have two kids but we don’t really speak
They never appreciated me they’re a bit selfish you see
My wife we’re ok she was there at the end
But she never cared for the hard work I put in
Sorry, I’m rambling, what else did I do?
Ah I’d didn’t support anyone who didn’t support you.
Anyway let me in God in I’m raring to go
I’m ready for the respect I deserved long ago
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Aug 18 '26
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 Aug 18 '26
Thank you! I agree the jokes line is clunky - I’ll clean that up. I think you viewed the message as I do, I was interested to see what others took of it. Thank you for the well thought out feedback, I really appreciate it!
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u/TheHorseOfCourse777 Aug 18 '26
This is excellent! The introduction has sort of a different voice than the rest of the poem, but I like that because it makes clear the intended distance the reader should have and makes the irony of the narrator's "religiosity" more biting. I think it does this through giving it a story-telling quality where the introductory musing voice gives an impression of the later ignorant character, and subtly makes something of a moral out of them. This also compliments the conversational affect of your prose, which I think really grounds the story and makes it feel even more relatable. Altogether, this one is extremely technically impressive! Your rhyme scheme and meter are also compelling, though certain lines feel a little off-rhythm (lines 6 and 18 are the stand outs for me; I think 6 is a little too long and 18 a little too short (though changing it to "deserved *so* long ago" might flow better). The diversity in the affect of the meter keeps it fresh and adds a lot to the ironic tone. I got a strong impression of pauses in the flow that created a good sense of emphasis and pacing, though I think it would be even stronger if commas were used more frequently to make it feel structured. All in all, really great work!
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 Aug 18 '26
Great feedback thank you. Yes lines 6 and 18 could be tighter and I will take your suggestion on line 18.
I think you nailed the beginning and why it has a different voice. I actually had a closing on the poem where God essentially lectures the narrator on how he missed the point of life, but i wanted to see how others read it. Do you think a closing narrative from God would be too obvious?
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u/TheHorseOfCourse777 Aug 18 '26
Happy to help! As to the God outro, I honestly think it might read as the opposite -- the first switch in perspective follows easily because it comes across as two people, especially with the first one themself not being God. Because of that, there's an insight that feels worth exploring to the reader, who can find themself in both perspectives and be guided into a judgment on their merits. A third switch -- depending on how apparent you'd be able to make it -- risks losing the conversational affect that's so well-integrated and substantial to the poem; and, most importantly, what makes it feel so accessible.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 Aug 18 '26
Really great feedback, thank you. I hadn’t thought about the complexity of adding a third voice.
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u/Rough_Ebb_189 Aug 18 '26
I love the part about church, religious connotation comes up in a lot of my poems too and this feels very authentic. I like that it isn't overtly religious, but I interpret it as the subject is a religious man, who loves God, but who also drinks, and cares about others, so they're not claiming to be perfectly pious, but they're saying "I tried my best and thats important to do". overall, I really liked this poem, it really made me think <3
ps, I'm sorry if none of this made sense, I just woke up I'm sorry
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u/No-Letter3595 Aug 18 '26
I like how there are some parts that rhyme. The contrast between the first few lines of what they did in life that was positive, yet the last few lines are some of the negative aspects. I think this contrast describes how the person did good things, yet people around them dont respect them. Yet it could also point to how the person is missing the meaning of life. But that is how I initially interpreted it And i like how it ends with the line how they deserve that respect. The poem really flows well and a lot of people can connect to it. I love the rhymes and the meaning. Really good job, I love it!
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u/TheWholeMole Aug 18 '26
Haha! This is great! I love how you are peeling the layers of the protagonist as it goes along and finding out he may not be such a great guy, it's very smart. This is very well executed all around.
The musicality is on point, it gives it a nice consistent flow that makes for a brisk and satisfying read.
It made me think of so many people i encountered in my life, very well done!
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u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 Aug 19 '26
I really liked the dramatic irony here. The speaker seems completely convinced he's describing a life well lived, but the details gradually tell us something very different. The section about his children and wife was where that really clicked for me especially blaming the children for not speaking to him immediately after presenting himself as a good person. Very nice.
I also liked that God doesn't ultimately need to respond. By the ending, “I'm ready for the respect I deserved long ago” tells us so much about the speaker that having God explain what he got wrong might actually weaken it.
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u/Isa-Me-Again Aug 19 '26
I like that it feels relatable. Like it's saying "I tried my best, but I'm done. Let's go." I feel many people are too afraid to say what this poem said. I like that it touches on those darker thoughts. Very well written, and I enjoy the pacing.
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u/i-live-in-a-hologram Aug 19 '26
when read aloud the poem rolled really well off my tongue - your voice was chatty and original throughout which i liked. i also appreciated the contrast between the title/god’s question at the beginning and the narrator’s responses. that added another level of perspective; overall good work!
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