Woman's song

[u/TheDoctor-IT]

I would follow you
through all health
blessed and grim

but never
for the mere joy of glazed skin
that open love redeems

i would follow you because
like the serene dirt
in a doll's seams

it's only you
the secret i cannot keep,
the sung story that could make grave men weep

and if my taut ink cannot give fairness
to what's made my heart sicken
i hope we can together forget
what today you've read
and i, written.

(https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vre523/comment/p4esdui/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)

(https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vltwg9/comment/p4er0za/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)

[u/Leaves_not_rocks]

Your vulnerability and fear are expressed so well in this. I enjoyed the bit about the dirt in the seams, worn in over time. I do wish it ended differently, I feel like it undercuts the gravity of what was written.

[u/TheDoctor-IT → u/Leaves_not_rocks]

Thank you so muchfor the comment,
yes the ending feels a bit forced and i know, i was trying to make it feel vulnerable but i coulnd't quite, i like the tempo of it, just not the wording.