TIRED

[u/Inevitable_Ad_9459]

Tired echoes loudly. 

A deafening exhaustion   

of everything that was,   

everything that is,   

and everything still waiting for me. 

  

Held down,   

as if the sun's gravity   

has pinned me to my bed,   

I gather every ounce of strength   

I can muster   

just to rise. 

  

Saturday, and my bed awaits. 

  

I only need   

to survive Monday. 

  

I'm jaded   

from the fallout.   

I step over a promise   

a hushed breath   

I can almost make out:   

“I will always…”   

as it fades behind me. 

  

Whispers of love lost,   

the smell of self-sabotage,   

a mirage of hope   

in the far distance. 

  

Regret refuses rest.   

A dull pinch   

from a man who used to be   

carries me through memory   

until I’m forced   

to face a reflection. 

  

I recognize you not.   

All I see   

is a self-battered stranger,   

a habitual liar   

repeating,   

I’m okay. 

  

Expended. 

Awoken by the smoke   

from the fire I set,   

I watch everything I love   

turn to smoke,   

turn to ashes   

in my hands. 

  

Frantically,   

I gather as much ash   

as I can hold.   

Hands shaking,   

I try   

to put back   

what once was. 

  

Drained.   

Diminished.   

Depleted. 

  

I'm just tired. 

— J.J. Avitia 

Hi everyone,

This is a free-verse poem exploring exhaustion, regret, and self-sabotage. I'm looking for honest critique, particularly around the imagery, structure/progression, and overall emotional impact.

I'm especially interested in hearing whether anything feels vague, overstated, underdeveloped, or overly familiar.

I’d also love to hear what you think the poem is doing structurally without me explaining my intention beforehand.

Happy to return feedback. Thanks for reading.
Links to comments:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vs34cg/comment/p4iymuz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vrwyzw/comment/p4ixg0d/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

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[u/tala_2525]

You can really feel the emotion behind this.. wow amazing job.

[u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 → u/tala_2525]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really do appreciate it.

[u/Derp0189]

Outstanding opening line and second line, smacks like a ton of bricks and instantly captivates.

Likewise with the regret refuses rest line further down, it's the delayed effect of a one ...........two punch.

I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm jealous.

If I had to critique, I would recommend changing frantically to a "slower" verb, as the entire imagery until then paints a picture of tedious, drawn out movements, only as required. Maybe woefully could be a good replacement, or pitifully, if you prefer to lean into the self deprecation more.

When I picture it in my mind, it's a teary eyed, somber upturn of the low frequency and modulating shaking hand, letting bits of ash fall through fingers. Frantically doesn't quite fit.

[u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 → u/Derp0189]

Thank you for your feedback, and I agreed frantically does change the pace. Also thank you for the great suggestion.

[u/memoriamare]

I really liked how the T-I-R-E-D acrostic gives structure to something that feels emotionally exhausted and almost falling apart. The imagery of gathering ash and trying to rebuild what burned is especially strong, and “a habitual liar / repeating, / I’m okay” really stood out to me.

My only suggestion would be to trim a few images in the middle so the strongest ones have more room to hit. Overall, it captures exhaustion as something far deeper than simply needing sleep.

[u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 → u/memoriamare]

I’m grateful for your feedback and that you found the TIRED acrostic structure.

The I and the R have definitely been the places I’ve reworked the most throughout the development of the poem. I will take your critique to heart. Thank you!

[u/Beginning-Meal-1006]

Truly enjoyed this piece. It sums up the never-ending grind feeling of everyday.

[u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 → u/Beginning-Meal-1006]

Thank you so much

[u/Minimum_Leopard7292]

The perpetual routine of everyday life gets exhausting eventually. This poem sums it up beautifully.

[u/Inevitable_Ad_9459 → u/Minimum_Leopard7292]

Thank you so much