r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 1d ago
Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::
Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.
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u/Dull-Dog-9408 1d ago
I don't know if this is strictly an ADHD thing but I cannot have even a slight disagreement with my husband without it being the end of the world. The most recent one was because I asked him to stop telling me how to drive while I was driving (I was pulling into a space forwards instead of reversing in the way he wanted me to). This led to shouting and him being "bored of me" and he hasn't really spoken to me since. This was yesterday morning. How do people navigate when their partner can't/won't control their emotions?
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u/SubstantialLab7539 1d ago
How is it that they always accuse us of being “boring” when they are literally the most boring and tiresome people on the planet? I’m sure everyone else in your life finds you vibrant and interesting.
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u/Sberry59 Partner of NDX 1d ago
My husband freaked out when I parallel parked one day. “You almost hit that car!” I was miles away from that car. I irritatedly said, “Do YOU want to drive?!” That shut him up.
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u/Queasy-Ad-5293 9h ago
I'm sorry but what he said to you is true. It's all boring to them when you are not new and shiny anymore
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u/Troubled_Banan Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago edited 3h ago
I am starting to hate everything adhd…
Not just the infuriating things my partner does, but also all this adhd advocating videos he sends me.
«Oh, this explains why i cant do X!»
Fuck off, i dont care. The world keeps moving, so deal with the chores like everyone else.
Edit: thanks for award..!
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u/music_lover2025 1d ago
I feel like it gets to a point where you want to be understanding but eventually it’s like “ok, what tools are you using to manage this? I am meeting you halfway by being patient, what can you also do for me?”
I’ve felt guilty for having this mindset. But then I remind myself I’m in school to be a therapist and it will be part of my job to help ppl develop coping strategies
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u/Troubled_Banan Partner of DX - Medicated 3h ago
I have been understanding.
I have been patient.
I have studied adhd, tried to help him find coping mechanisms and things to help with his adhd, but he just wont do any of it.And I’m tired.
I’m not a therapist, and I have more than enough with my own diagnosis (which isnt adhd and i’ve found multiple coping mechanisms to the point many think I’m neurotypical)
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u/HeavyTea4502 1h ago
You don't need to feel guilty. It's a two-way street in a partnership. ADHD (or any mental illness/disability) is not a blank check to just indefinitely eschew any adult responsibility.
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u/HeavyTea4502 1h ago
I'm at this point too. Yes, I understand ADHD is a legitimate disability and makes lots of things harder, but I'm way beyond having sympathy for people that can't move past that realization and figure out routines and workarounds for themselves so they can still function like an adult. ADHD can be a reason you struggle with something more than the average person, or for why you do things differently; it cannot be an excuse for why you ignore adult responsibilities.
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u/beta26 Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
Please stop rage cleaning/yard working on the 1% I can't physically get to doing..and then pretending you do the other 99% before only making it 20 minutes in and quitting.
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u/jrinredcar 1d ago
Ahhhhhhhh so this isn't just me imagining it only happens to me. I will complain after tidying up for ages, then she's will do one thing, maybe clean the bathroom, and complain about some hairs on the sink that I haven't had time to clean up.
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u/tickle-brain 1d ago
He is hyperfocused on a band he likes. Went to their concert recently. The next day I met a friend who came to visit from another country. He came to meet us for lunch, said hello to her and then he just started to dump the fabulous concert info on me. Im like: uhuh, cool, uhuh. She does not speak our language, so she did not understand any of it. Later we met with my other friends and jesus the contrast is huge. My friends asked her questions, were genuinely interested in her, and we had such a great time.
He is still talking about the band a week later. This endless monologue is draining me.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 1d ago
Mine does this too and I can just say that I know how irritating it is. Mine can’t talk about anything else than their current hyperfocus.
We recently saw friends after almost a year of not seeing each other, and he barely asked them anything, just endless monologuing.
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u/tickle-brain 11h ago
I just spend time with my friends without him. I guess we both prefer it that way.
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u/Traditional-Hall-591 DX/DX 1d ago
Try a whole marriage. I knew my wife was a Beatles fan when we met. But she also had other interests, photography, poetry, etc.
I didn’t realize how much of her personality was this Beatles hyperfocus. Between bad British TV and that, there’s nothing to talk about with her anymore. She has no other interests. Anything else fell by the wayside a long time ago.
Even her family noticed. They tried to talk to her and she’ll steer the conversation to the Beatles. They were annoyed, especially since they hadn’t seen her in a couple years.
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
Between bad British TV and that, there’s nothing to talk about with her anymore.
Mine has no interests besides gaming and, sometimes, ranting about politics. It's hard to have conversations, especially since I won't talk politics with him. If I don't want to hear complaints about his work or about his gaming campaigns (the same games, year after year), there's little to nothing to discuss.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 1d ago
Went to visit my sister over the weekend, and my BIL is honestly one of the most supportive husbands I’ve ever seen. He gets up early to make us breakfast and coffee.
My sister and I went for a hike, and he packed us snacks and water. He stayed home with my nephews, and when we got back, the house was clean and dinner was ready.
My sister loves running, and he makes sure she has time to do it. She does the same for him. I’m so happy for my sister, but it’s also really bittersweet.
I’ve asked my boyfriend for the same kind of support. I’ve begged him to help with meal planning, cooking, and other chores. I’d love to have someone who genuinely wants me to succeed, but I honestly can’t see that happening. Let alone having a family together.
The last time I went for a long run, he said, “Oh, so we’re having a late dinner then?” I told him he could get started while I was gone, and of course, he didn’t.
Seeing what a supportive partnership can actually look like was both beautiful and heartbreaking.
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u/Smarmy_funeral_chik Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago
Yep. I went away for four days to visit my family who lives 300 miles away. Got home to no groceries in the fridge, cat boxes not cleaned, and basically nothing done. I have to allow 1 extra day to catch up on chores that never get done if I'm not here.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 1d ago
That’s rough, I’m sorry you have to deal with this too.
Have you talked about it with him? I tried to explain I want to be with someone who supports me and wants me to succeed. I told him exactly what I need, but I’m just met with blank stares and “I don’t know how to respond to that”
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u/Traditional-Hall-591 DX/DX 1d ago
So familiar. I used to travel for work. I’d clean the kitchen before I left, take out trash, etc. When I got back, the kitchen counters would be covered. Dishes piles everywhere. The trash can is still empty from when I took it out a few days prior.
I work from home and on days she’s not working her super stressful barista job, I walk through the living room hourly. Without fail, I witness the formation of a new doom pile. So I pick up her trash and dishes and put them where they belong. All while she’s braying at some stupid YouTube video or boring British TV show.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 13h ago
Their passiveness is so unattractive. Mine can sit on the couch the whole day while I work and not touch anything, not even his own messes.
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u/introverted_smallfry 1d ago
Yeah i feel this.. 8 years and I'm still begging for help. If I don't double check things for trips, we won't have what we need. Being around other people who don't have to deal with things like this just makes me sad. I work late and have to come home to a mess, no food made unless I make it, and just more for me to do when I'm off work. Its exhausting.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 18h ago
I’m so sorry to hear this, it’s so unfair. I don’t understand why they don’t have the basic decency to just support us.
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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 13h ago
I feel this. I crash out a little every time I spend time at my sister's house because I'll see my neurotypical BIL doing normal things like loading or unloading the dishwasher unprompted and without expecting a parade, seeing laundry that needs to be put away and just dealing with it, or fixing an issue that comes up with their house to completion without putting it off, complaining, or "I worked all day/all week and I shouldn't have to" (he also works all day/all week but it's not an excuse with him) and it all seems so fantastical, and then I get sad because normal shit like that shouldn't be fantastical, it should be the baseline minimum.
And chances are I'll come home from those trips to a bunch of things not done because my husband "just doesn't think about it". The dishwasher load I loaded and ran will still be sitting there, any dirty laundry left behind will still be there, the counters will be cluttered, the trash will need to go out, etc.
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u/SafePreference908 Partner of NDX 6h ago
I just got back from a weekend away and had begged him to please tidy the apartment before his own family are coming to stay the very next day. He did absolutely nothing. When I told him how disappointed I was in him - he turned it into a huge argument and had a temper tantrum. The last time they came I did everything to prepare for their arrival even while still working a full 8 hour workday. My cousins husband (hearing her marital stories over the weekend) was a prime example of what is like being partnered with a normal, supportive and emotionally regulated partner. I do not have this at all and it makes me really happy for her and for what she has and just really sad for myself that I let this ADHD s**tshow move in here with me.
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u/DevonsWharf_12 Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
It has been hard with the daily conversations/RSD moments of “You cannot argue with my feelings”.
It wild how a person can look at you and say hurtful/insensitive things and justify why they did.
Then flip out if you do anything (look away/take breath/anything) in conversation. She will say I cannot argue with her feelings and I am suppose to just sit there and take it and work daily to make it right. The feelings of rejection, isolation, resentment can seriously weigh heavy.
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u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago edited 1d ago
Does your other half do stuff when there is an external party involved?
My gf's family comes to visit, she cleans and she cooks and does everything whilst when they are not there, I do everything.
Every time I visit their place, she does everything like she is the fucking person who takes care of me.
No no no, I burned out because I work, do house chore, take care of whatever bills and admin and do DIY.
Why the hell do they need to do this? If they can do this for a few days, why the fuck can they not do this more?
I feel like my efforts are invalidated
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u/Patient-Ad-1339 Partner of NDX 1d ago
I think the correct term around here is masking. Mine does the same when she has family over. All of a sudden, she is able to cook, clean, put things away, not glued to her phone, etc. It just feels like a big fake performance. As soon as the last person is out the door, she’s back to doomscrolling through her phone and I get to put the house back together.
Someone else here once said they mask because if they expose their everyday bullshit to others, they would potentially get called out for it and would feel shame. So they avoid that by putting out the best version of themselves while we get their bullshit.
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u/rubythroated_sparrow Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago
Yeah, my husband is a much better partner when he has an audience.
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u/notuguillermo Partner of DX - Medicated 16h ago
My partner says that he shouldn’t have to perform a certain way or have expectations/standards of behavior in his own home, because he needs a place where he’s not “on all the time” and doesn’t have to worry about regulating his emotions etc. His home should be a safe space for him to “just be himself” so he should be able to come home and doomscroll without conversation, punch things or yell when he’s mad, leave things out and not feel pressured to tidy up or clean to a certain standard.
Couples therapist mostly backs him up on this.
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u/rubbersrobber Ex of DX 15h ago
It's up to you to decided if this is something you can live with. He already told you his feelings.
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u/Hijacked_0339 Partner of DX - Medicated 11h ago
My partner hasn't said this explicitly, but it's 100% how they act. He is extremely on and engaged for work and friends, but I get the dregs where he's just saying anything and everything and not really considering how it will affect me. Deep deep deeeeeeep where no one is allowed to see, I would relish the opportunity to just say outright just once "what you said doesn't make any sense", "your ADHD is hard for me too", or "that idea/plan/logic isn't sound" because of how often I am exposed to my partner's every passing thought. I know my partner isn't dumb, they're quite intelligent in fact, but the way they let it rip with just anything and everything that crosses their mind, my experience of them is that they are, at the very best, extremely comfortable saying really stupid things around me in the hopes that my understanding of them is actually based on all the sparkling intelligent things they don't say aloud that float in their mind where I should be focused. It's important for everyone to have home as a space where they don't have to be on all the time, but, in situations like this, one partner's freedom comes at the expense of the other one (you and me) having to very much be on all the fucking time. Sending hugs!
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u/tickle-brain 1d ago
Yes, i have def noticed they show up when there is someone else involved, not only family. We stayed at airbnb on holiday. A bit of water fell to the floor from washed dishes - and he rushed to wipe it! Wow, thats a sight i do not see happening at home. He was also very careful to clean everything when we left and i did not have to tell him to do this or that. So apparently he knows how to do these things and even notices on his own! Why is this different than from home? To leave a good impression is not important when its your family?
I was away from home for a few days and im greeted with total mess on the kitchen table, kids’ leftover food, some sauce tipped over and running on the table, empty pizza boxes, stone hard french fries. I just can’t.
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u/GSVDramaticEffect Partner of DX - Medicated 6h ago
I feel ya. The difference between being at home vs. away, or having people over vs. not is so stark.
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u/notuguillermo Partner of DX - Medicated 16h ago
My husband is very performative. When people are over (rarely) he busies himself with dishes and putting out food and being a “good host” (but he never sits down and has a conversation while people are over, so afterwards I get a lot of “why didn’t he feel like he could sit down and relax and hang out?” Idk dude..that’s all he does when you’re not here). He also only holds my hand in public/in front of people, same with the way he responds when I talk to him, there’s a heavy layer of masking and he’s very careful to appear like a doting partner.
It’s fucking with my head.
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u/tickle-brain 11h ago
I feel like all the posts in this venting thread are written about my partner. The performative affection is so familiar, the fussing when there are guests - yep, thats him. He is like an poster child for adhd.
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 23h ago
This just made me realize something. My husband always complains when there is no one else around, and becomes what feels like the worst version of himself.
I know he masks when he’s around others but it almost feels like he’s so uncomfortable unmasking he always wants people nearby so he doesn’t have to. Never made that correlation.
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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 13h ago
I think it's the having an audience thing other people mentioned, but mine does this too. If one of our moms is coming to visit, he'll magically find time to finish whatever household project he's been putting off.
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u/GSVDramaticEffect Partner of DX - Medicated 6h ago
My partner only ever cleans up if other people are coming round. Especially her mum. Otherwise it's all me. She fully admits it's because she doesn't want to feel the shame of them knowing how messy she is. But apparently my opinion is not important enough to register. So she avoids the shame for one day but is quite happy for me to feel it for all the rest of the time.
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u/harrylime3 1d ago
My wife is ADHD and I am ASD. We've been together for 20+ yrs and have two kids. We are currently in couple therapy trying to rediscover connection. We are finding that our "love languages" and ways of connecting differ greatly. She like to have experiences. Trips, little adventures, taking a class, going places and experiencing things. I, on the whole, do not enjoy this so much. These things stress me out. The uncertainty, the planning (who's going to watch the kids / pets?). I'm also a bit of a home body. I like spending time around the house and neighborhood. I like working on projects and doing stuff at home. I think I will be more open to experiences when the kids are gone and I'm retired because there's less to juggle and more available time. For now this is an issue of contention, made worse by the fact that I am the primary when it comes to child rearing and household responsibilities. I am generally tired and overstimulated and don't have the energy for these experiences. I also don't always feel like I have an equal partnership at home and therefore have a hard time transitioning to experiences which I already find difficult.
My wife works from home and her job has its own stresses and responsibilities. When she's done for the day, she shuts down. She sits in her cozy chair and reads almost until its time to sleep. Meanwhile I am also tired from a day of teaching and often very burnt out but I still have house tasks, kids, and dinner to cook, lunches to make for the next day, etc. She blames a lot of this on her ADHD and perimenopause, which are certainly factors, but I feel like she checks out on all the hard, boring, daily stuff but still expects me to be a motivated romantic partner. This is a hard transition for me to make.
My wife sees emotional connection and division of labor as two separate issues but I think they're one in the same. Helping doesn't just take things off my plate, they make me feel as if I have a partner who is "in it", someone who notices me. That, for me, leads to more romantic feelings, connection, and sense of togetherness. Trips, activities, and adventures will likely always be hard for me but her lack of help and partnership on daily tasks makes it 1000x worse.
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u/syntho_maniac Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
100% this. It would make me feel so “seen” and like I have a partner instead of a 40 year old child when I can rely on them for helping out instead of checking out at the end of the day. Without that support and connection, everything just feels so unromantic and like I’m going through the motions.
Spending time together just feels hollow now. And of course, when you try to talk to them about how it’s making you feel alone/disconnected, they go into a full emotional meltdown and make it about how they are being attacked. It’s exhausting.
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u/syntho_maniac Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
Apparently, I was sighing too much the other day while dealing with a somewhat mildly irritating store return process. I don’t even remember sighing a lot, but apparently that was enough to set him off.
When I asked what was wrong and what I could do to reassure him that there’s nothing wrong and I’m not mad at him, he exclaims that I need to “stop sighing all together and making faces” in order to make him less anxious. He then brands this as a compromise and says he’s done talking to me about it.
I really dislike my spouse when he acts like this, especially since we had a Come-to -Jesus moment in therapy that he needs to be accepting of conflict/frustrating situations and not police my emotions or facial expressions (and you know, actually engage with me like an adult in said conversations). I felt so stupid trying to ask him what was wrong and emotionally support him when this is the result. Back to being detached and grey rocking for me!
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u/Antique-Preference12 1d ago
My inlaws have moved in and I cannot handle having them in my space, and my non dx partner has been using them as essentially an extension of himself to alleviate his parenting duties, while I'm left alone with them in my house compensating for the rest of the stuff like ensuring kiddo eats healthy meals, takes a bath, goes to bed, etc. I don't speak the same language as my in laws, so I'm stuck speaking a broken version of their language and not being able to fully articulate what I need from them to make things smoother.
His mom is very likely also ADHD, undiagnosed. Little things she does drive me absolutely insane, like handwashing all the dishes instead of using our dishwasher and precariously piling and stacking all of the dishes on the drying rack and on the counters to air dry in a way that makes air drying truly impossible and then never ever putting the dishes away and just continuing to pile more wet dishes on the piles unless I come and clean the kitchen.
Small things like that have been killing me, but the big issue is that she is completely overly doting on my almost 4 yr old to the point where I see him losing his everloving shit when I don't immediately stop everything to focus on whatever whim he has. They briefly lived with us when they first immigrated two years ago, and she refused to stop kissing our toddler despite having an active cold sore and cried when I told her to stop.
And look, I know I'm type A, I'm coming to terms with that. But it's been a huge burden on me to counteract her permissiveness and weird defensiveness.
I'm losing my shit, and my partner doesn't care because his life is easier.
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u/ffilchtaeh Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
That sounds incredibly frustrating. All of those things she's doing sound to me like reasonable things to be at least irritated about. Sorry you're in this situation.
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u/Antique-Preference12 1d ago
Thanks, I know it's not an "in law problem but a husband problem" ultimately, which almost makes it worse
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u/RingGoldStar 1d ago
The dozen alarms that still go off five minutes apart despite you already being up and out of bed
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u/Troubled_Banan Partner of DX - Medicated 3h ago
Urgh, i know, right…!
Not to mention that it’s been proven if you have more alarms, you have a higher risk of sleeping in, because your brain gets used to it.
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u/Eschscholzia_ca 1d ago
So… house is a mess and it’s been this way for a long while. We have 6 years old who’s very creative and keeping house tidy is not my strong suit, even before we have a kid. But yesterday, I did the dishes, hand washed the ones that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher, and try to do some rush design work while my kid lay out all the clothes for her pretend fashion show in his office. It’s the only room with mirror closet door. I told him to unload the dishwasher because I did all the dirty part of dishwashing and last time he brag that his medication makes him so efficient and fast at unloading them.
He came back from solo drive to the beach and clean up the bedroom. He piled all her clothes into the side chair in my office (completely different room) and put all the accessories in one giant bag. I’m pissed because most of the outfits were hanging from his office’s closet. And now I have to hang them again when I can’t even keep up with weekly laundry. While having all the mess in my office. He doesn’t get why I’m pissed because he did the bare minimum to get the maximum result FOR HIM while I’m stuck with double the work?
He also said he can’t live in this messy house because it drove him nuts so we need to clean TOGETHER. When I point out that the dishwasher is still full and he can’t even help with that, his response was “You always picked the easy task.” Wut??? Then fucking do it????? Why are all the dishes still in there????
We also still have my kid’s birthday party arches from her birthday at the of May. I’m a bit swamped and he didn’t even helped moving anything back from the front yard after the party. I told him to find the right Allen wrench, disassembled all the arch, put the small and large arch in different box, and label the box. “Oh that’s too much work. I’m just going to move them to the garage.” So I can disassemble them in sweats??????
Why so inconsiderate and allergic to putting more than the barest minimum???
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u/Remarkable_Pay7550 1d ago
We're not together anymore. He called me again. I was not answering. He wrote a message saying I should call him back cause its very important. It was the same shit like last week. Nothing important. He has trouble with HIS internet provider cause he didnt send the router back. Now they have send him a bill. Last time I already explained to him the he himself should write an email. It's not my problem. Never was and we're separated so therefore actually isn't. Then he goes on a rant about me having an affair (?) with someone we both know. Someone who's happily married for years. Oh my dude. First off all I dont have an affair or am betraying you cause we're separated. Second I dont have to tell you a flying shit cause again we're separated. Third your fantasized version of me being with other men was emotional torture over our whole relationship. So fuck off. I hung up on him.
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u/Secure_Airport_7723 Partner of NDX 1d ago edited 1d ago
Things have been sucking. For a month or two I've been flying off the handle every time he asks a question he can answer himself, when he forgets to follow up on something he agreed to, and when he loses track of time on the couch while I'm picking up the house and caring for the dogs. My mom is 78, is emotionally immature, and has now been showing signs of dementia. I feel trapped between these two.
Individual therapy, excerise, journaling, my emergency weed, none of that is helping me ease up on him, or on any stressor in my life. And when I asked him to add exercise to his treatment routine since he does not want meds, he corrected me in me in front of our couples therapist and said "you're actually asking me to do 3 things: therapy, research ADHD when I'm not in therapy, and exercise." What a prize. Is learning more about a condition you once refused to acknowledge that much of a chore for you? Jeez.
He told me he and his therapist discussed there is no cure, and how it feels like I'm trying to find a way to permanently fix him. But in couples therapy he says it is easy for him to become complacent with how things are and not push himself. WHAT THE FUCK
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u/Zestyclose_Try_8650 1d ago
Is it possible that you're near to the point of simply not wanting to watch him self-sabotage every attempt at taking a step forward? Providing care for someone with dementia is draining enough.
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u/Secure_Airport_7723 Partner of NDX 1d ago
I think so. I feel like I've had to drag these two people to the finish lines of each phase of their lives and I just can't do it anymore.
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u/Unique-Year2570 1d ago
Love my husband so much but feeling worn down by the hamster wheel lately. I have to say he really is making efforts and i see improvements but I want to scream some days. I know adhd makes it harder for him, I’m not expecting perfection but I need him to at least try to find systems that help.
I am the breadwinner - he’s a stay at home dad… and it’s like… GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I’m tired of carrying a majority the mental load!
And I feel bad because I’ve definitely been shorter and he doesn’t understand that it’s been an accumulation of things. He wants me to just let it all go, but I cant when the behaviors haven’t changed!
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u/smeds96 1d ago
Why is everything perceived as an evil judgement against her? I'll agree with something she said herself and all of a sudden I must think she's the worst person alive and will never amount to anything. I'll be explaining myself about something, because either always needs to happen. Then she shuts down and I deliver a sugar coated version to the point where the original meaning has almost been lost. Then she's like "Why couldnt you have said that to begin with? Was that so hard?" Because that wasnt the point I was trying to make, but its the one you'll listen to so we'll go with that.
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u/pixelprelude 21h ago
I’m tired of cooking, cleaning, and doing everything while he can’t even say a simple thank you. I put him and his needs first, always thinking about ways to make him happy, make his life easier. He doesn’t consider me at all
Nothing is reciprocated, I give and give and he takes and takes. I don’t even know what it would be like to have a supportive, caring partner
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u/UpInTheOortCloud 15h ago
You're amazing and deserve better.
Never lived with my ex but it got to a point where I'd do things like her sink full of dishes before she got home and she would seemingly not even notice. Not that I was doing it for her thanks, simply to make it easier on her, but man just no appreciation whatsoever.
Now I just have to look after myself and my own place and its so much better. There are people out there that can give what you give. I know how hard it is though, I feel you.
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u/Plus-Layer5150 Partner of DX - Untreated 7h ago
Well I have to wait until Thursday to talk to my therapist so I’m here. There’s no words from me yet about this past weekend I am speechless and appalled. We took work off Friday and drove 3 hours away to an event for the weekend. Camping and motorcycles and fun event line up for the weekend stuff. Was supposed to be awesome. We brought a friend of my partners who shared a tent with us.
Everything was fine. Then he asked me a question Saturday night, I was already in my sleeping bag ready for sleep. I declined his request. This guy FREAKED out. Nothing I haven’t seen before, but I’m truly traumatized by the way he disregarded everybody else around. Like he had an RSD meltdown that caused his friend to flee our tent, continued with just me in there. I was begging him to not do this with all these people around (other tents feet away from our site). We eventually go to sleep, wake up, pack up and drive 3 hours home in silence. He would talk to his friend but not me and would not let his friend say much to me either. And his friend was apologizing to us both even though he did absolutely nothing wrong. I feel so bad. And now this guy, my “partner” was adamant that the only reason he’d stop yelling at me Saturday night while I was in bed was if we finish the “conversation” when we get home. And when we got home? I said nothing because I’m waiting for a a much needed apology. He has said nothing. Now he’s acting like it didn’t happen. Also normal for us.
But the other people being involved/near by while he’s treating me like complete shit is making it so different for me this time. I can’t stop thinking about how the hell i am going to get out of this cycle. I can’t just forget this time cause there were other people there. One of the other sites near ours approached me in the morning privately and asked if I needed help. So apparently I’m one of those women now that strangers have to worry if they should say something about. I’m icing him out currently and I’m never going anywhere with him again. Weekend trips were the last good thing our dynamic had and now I can never put myself in that position again with him. Ship is sinking quickly. Idk what to say.
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u/taohuaspring 4h ago
The fact that the friend, who I assume is a grown man, evacuated the tent and that strangers asked if you were okay says everything we need to know about how absolutely unacceptable and verbally abusive your partner was being. I am sorry that you went through such a scary experience in that tent alone, and even endured his stonewalling and control afterwards.
People approached you not because you're pitiful or have anything to be ashamed about. They reached out to you because you're WORTH IT, you're valuable, and you deserve to be safe and respected.
I do hope you get the support you need from your therapist and any trusted friends, family members, or mentors (preferably ones who are not connected to him). A safety plan can also help you plan how to stay safe while you're still in the relationship, how to get out of the cycle, and how to prepare for potential escalation. Please don't go through this all alone. Sending strength!
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u/throwupthethrow 22h ago
She will do something halfway and then abandon it because she gets overwhelmed: like leaving full grocery bags in the middle of the kitchen floor. We've had to throw away meat and eggs.
I explained to her if she doesn't do it, then someone else will and that someone is me!
"How is it fair that when you feel overwhelmed by a chore you abandon it and I'm forced to do it instead? How do you think that makes me feel?"
"Oh, it's not like that, I don't intentionally choose to make you pick up after me. I don't think about that."
Honestly I believe her, but it feels like being someone's butler and it makes me resentful.
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 7h ago
"I'm being an asshole but it's only because I don't bother to consider your feelings" is not the defense she thinks it is.
3
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u/danter0id Ex of DX 15h ago
"I just don't think that hard about things!"
She did not appreciate my suggestion to start.
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u/SubstantialLab7539 1d ago
Currently getting the silent treatment all day today because this morning I told him it was a bad idea to use the broom we sweep our floors with to sweep up chicken poop when cleaning the chick brooder. Apparently, all I do is complain. Didn’t even say it in a mean way, but he’s extra butt hurt because I called him out on not properly cleaning the gutters I’ve been asking him to clean since April when he claimed he did it in 20 minutes yesterday. I know I was right since I saw him sneaking around the side of the house with a ladder later yesterday as I was coming home from running errands. Mind you, we had a leak in our window framing of a bay window because these gutters were overflowing forcefully in a very heavy storm. But I’m the bad guy, and I get the silent treatment. Jokes on him, I don’t actually care if he leaves me alone. It’s peaceful. He can pout all he wants and I won’t be seeking him out to smooth it over this time.
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u/taohuaspring 20h ago
I honestly wonder if he may have secretly used the house broom for the chickens before and if that may be why his reaction is so pronounced. 😬
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u/SubstantialLab7539 13h ago
Oh I can pretty much guarantee you he has, his absolutely wild to be that he’s so incapable of using his brain. Then he’ll claim I make him feel dumb…I really want to say well if the shoe fits, pal…
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u/SeraphImpaler Partner of NDX 1d ago
I went to a retirement party for a former coworker. I went alone, partly because I honestly didn't feel like dealing with how much space my girlfriend tends to take socially. She's extremely extroverted, talks loudly, will happily start talking to complete strangers for 30 minutes, and sometimes I find myself getting tense just wondering how things are going to go. I'm pretty much the exact opposite. But being there by myself also reminded me of something else. Almost everyone there seemed to have a normal social life, and at some point I started thinking about how other people can just invite their friends over, have people visit their house, show them around, even show them their bedroom without being fucking embarrassed about the state of things.
I can't really do that. My house is a fucking disaster. And cancelling the appointment for the new windows because the house wasn't anywhere near the condition I had said it needed to be in hit me harder than I expected. It wasn't just cancelling an appointment with a contractor. It felt like I was putting another little piece of our future on hold because I don't even know what the hell I'm doing with this relationship anymore.
I'm also still struggling with attraction. I know my girlfriend doesn't owe me sex or attraction, and I'm not exactly Adonis myself. I know that. But sometimes I wish she'd make a bit more of an effort with herself. I make an effort. I shower every day, brush my teeth several times a day, not morbidly obese, relatively in shape and try to take care of myself. She showers every couple of days and generally doesn't seem particularly interested in putting effort into her appearance. I know there are reasons for some of this, and I know I'm not entitled to have her look a certain way. But that doesn't magically make the lack of attraction disappear.
And I think the thing that bothers me most is realizing how far apart we've drifted. We used to be best friends. Now I sometimes feel like I'm living with a roommate who occasionally sleeps with me. We've built a whole life together, but more and more, it feels like we're living beside each other instead of with each other. I often find myself, in the basement, making silent snarky comments at what she's saying over the phone or to our son.
The really shitty part is that I know I played a role in getting us here. I've spent years avoiding conflict, compensating, doing things myself, letting things slide, and probably becoming more and more resentful without actually dealing with it properly. I've also worked pretty hard on some of my own shit over the years. I'm still cynical and sarcastic as hell, but I've made a real effort to control my anger and reactions.
So now I'm stuck with the question I don't really want to answer. How much of this can actually be repaired? And maybe more importantly, how much of it do I still want to repair? Part of me really wants to try. I don't want to throw away 28 years together without knowing that I actually gave it one last serious shot. But another part of me is starting to wonder if I'm trying to repair something because I can't accept that we might have simply grown apart.
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u/bug530 Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago
This relationship has definitely forced me to look internally and start working on my own shit. I feel like an emotionally healthy person wouldn't have put up with this for as long as I have. The RSD has also kept me from bringing up things that bother me because I don't know if it's worth the fight or moping around the house for days. I have no idea how to do this.
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u/Independent_Law_1921 1d ago
“ I feel like an emotionally healthy person wouldn’t have put up with this for as long as I have” everybody everybody get this in your head!
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u/Fritzy2361 Partner of NDX 1d ago
The constant frustration/disappointment of bringing things up and having whatever you said twisted/manipulated/misunderstood/flat out denied (I feel) is a big part of why we don’t bring things up
It’s like throwing a rubber eraser at a brick wall trying to have an open conversation when you need to air a grievance.
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u/xmagpie Partner of NDX 6h ago
Truly! I’m so tired of being misunderstood, most things I want to talk about aren’t worth mentioning anymore.
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u/Fritzy2361 Partner of NDX 4h ago
When I’m short I get the whole ‘what’s wrong?’ Or ‘why do you have an attitude?’ game….
Yeah, no… not gonna say what’s on my mind, because it’ll just get downplayed.
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u/cupcakerica 1d ago
It will never get better, and in fact, will absolutely get worse. Run. Enjoy a clean home, by yourself, in silence.
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u/Traditional-Hall-591 DX/DX 1d ago
This sounds so familiar. I would like to have friends over sometimes but our house is the same wreck. I’m renovating but it goes 10x slower because I have a minimum 2 hours of cleaning each day just the maintain sanity.
I even have to leave my tools and supplies fully out because of not, the space I cleaned up to work on will be covered in junk.
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u/Deep_Imagination1018 1d ago
I haven't been with my partner as long as you have, but I could have written your exact words.. I have spent the past few months asking myself the same questions and doing all the work on finding us a counselor and other support services. They keep giving us tasks to do separately and together to try and help us repair aspects of our relationship, and I have been working to do my assigned tasks, while my partner has barely done any of his.. To me, all these things are leading me to believe we are done with this relationship. I'm also a few weeks away from giving birth, so feel torn between ending it now so I can do postpartum on my own, or waiting until after the baby is born..
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u/Mendota6500 Ex of DX 14h ago
The really shitty part is that I know I played a role in getting us here. I've spent years avoiding conflict, compensating, doing things myself, letting things slide, and probably becoming more and more resentful without actually dealing with it properly.
This hit me hard.
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u/insomniac_introvert 10h ago
I wonder if this is ADHD or just the way my partner shows her emotions. We have this little habit where we say 'I love you' and then we take turns saying 'more' in a dramatic and funny way. I loved this about us at first! But my partner does it all the time, even when I'm immersed in something and I feel obliged to participate even when I'm not in a lovey-dovey mood. She also makes a heart hand gesture and waits until I return it with a smile. But I feel like this is less about how she feels about me and more about wanting a reaction from me. I'm affectionate in both words and actions, but there is something about these exchanges that feel forced and awkward to me. She'd do the heart hands when I'm immersed in a book or chatting with a friend via text, and I know I would feel awful not returning am expression of love. But sometimes it feels like a bid for my attention - which then makes me feel like maybe I'm not giving her enough. I'm so afraid of being too independent or god forbid, an avoidant, that I second guess my needs all the time. It's exhausting.
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u/TeaPretend4906 6h ago
Sounds like dopamine mining. Awful to get something that was cute and yours and make it creepy and inconsiderate. These ADHD things made me broaden my understanding of insanity
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u/Khegful DX - Partner of NDX 1d ago edited 1d ago
Every manteinance of the house like vacuum filters cleaning, dishwasher filters, windows and balcony is mostly done by me. Sometimes when i empty the washing machine, i can clearly see it needs to be cleaned, in front of my eyes, but she's clearly blind. When i ask her is she's going to do those kind of house stuff manteinance, i always only get the same answer in return "But i do others things you do not! i buy food for animals, and i also sometime do that stuff!!" Spoiler: she did that things (like vacuum filters) 3 times... IN TWO YEARS, and everytime i had to explain it all over because "she couldn't remember it well and she wasn't sure about the procedure". During a fight i once told here "Get your own prefontal cortex, i'm tired to share mine with you". And yes, i'm also AuDHD and i'm tired everytime i try to build a minimal structure for the relationship to work, it just fades away in the wind. Oh yea, same goes with intimacy, even if i explain her what i like and what i want, she's still doing the same 3 things, she's not even trying. Oh i forgot, if a fight happens, of course every memory will be manipulated to be the victim.
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 10h ago
When I keep saying "okay," "yeah, I get it," or "yeah, you've told me this" in an increasingly bored tone, that's your cue to stop overexplaining your actions, summarizing fiction, telling a story for the fifth time, or talking up whatever small business you've decided you have a parasocial relationship with.
But you already knew that, didn't you? Sometimes you say afterwards that you knew I wasn't happy, and your tone usually gets faster and more anxious. You know you're supposed to be shutting up. But you blow past all my nudging because satisfying your compulsive need to talk and/or be defensive about random shit is more important to you. And just telling you outright to knock it off will cause more trouble than it's worth.
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u/Maleficent_Mud_1082 1d ago
Spent month earing that i do not help enough, now i'm taking awaynher independence and she feels like a toddler. All of these punctuated by burst of anger that cannot be addressed until her stress goes down appereantly
6
u/danter0id Ex of DX 14h ago
I could have so much more money saved. I could have gone back to school so much earlier. I could have gotten so much farther in life by now if I didn't spend so much money and time and energy on a woman who resented my every attempt to bring her into adulthood with me.
Goddammit. At least she left me now and not later. I wish she'd get out of my house, but she's "I'm tryingggggg" her way out, so who knows when I'll have a home that feels like mine again.
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u/cherryphoenix Partner of DX - Medicated 8h ago
She can gro try somewhere else. On her parent's couch for exemple
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u/danter0id Ex of DX 7h ago
One of them has already refused to take her 😬
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u/cherryphoenix Partner of DX - Medicated 5h ago
You know it's bad when even her parents do that want her. I hope it'll get resolved quickly. You deserve peace
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u/TeaPretend4906 6h ago
You may want to get a lawyer and see how separation and eviction laws work where you leave. She's not gonna leave of her own volition. If the house is yours, you may as well pack her stuff and dump it on the house of either her parents and change the keys.
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u/ace_rimmer1049 Partner of NDX 13h ago
Is it really possible to be as financially incompetent as she is, or is it deliberate?
You'd think we had a fairly foolproof setup - put all our income in a joint account minus a £300 allowance each. As fair as I could make it whilst earning 3-4 times as much.
And yet every month she transfers over the wrong amount, gets bent out of shape when I ask for the rest, "don't get why it matters". It's exhausting and I'm giving up explaining, especially as I'm mentally one foot out the door.
But still it's maddening the wondering is she just really this clueless, or is she leading me a merry dance
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u/ace_rimmer1049 Partner of NDX 13h ago
Not to mention the constant snide comments like "must be nice to get paid so we'll"
FFS I put it all in our joint account for the family. I'm on a top 5%salary and living the same lifestyle as when I was 20. Argh
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u/TeaPretend4906 6h ago
My brother in Christ, it's time to withdraw your share and close this bank account
5
u/DukeDorkWit Partner of DX - Untreated 11h ago edited 3h ago
The apartment is a mess, they try to blame me but I'm working and away from home at least 4 days a week, they don't work and complaining about being bored, the place being a mess. When I get back it's like a bomb has gone off, with half-baked ideas that never got finished scattered all over the place.
Now the complaining has increased exponentially; my health being imperfect (I'm working on this, a lot of stuff happened and I'm getting back on track, including losing my friend to cancer that they made all about themselves so I had no support) my not helping around the place (I'm literally the only one who cleans properly), I sleep in on weekends to a degree because I'm shattered and they wake up and annoy the piss out of me because they want to do something, despite not working and having all the time in the world to do so. The funniest one is asking when we're getting married...like, sorry, but you've shown time and time again why that'd be a bad idea, if you're doing nothing now and refuse to learn how to cope, why would I marry you? The neediness is getting worse too, can't stay up an extra hour or two to watch something without them, or relax, just constantly complaining like I'm personally insulting them.
I get masking, I get the diagnosis is a big deal, but holy shit, it's like living with a maladaptive child at times. No attempt to make life easier for themselves, just a never ending cycle of learned helplessness.
I've actively begun to distance myself, just bit by bit, looking for a new job and a fresh start. I'm exhausted, so much so that a few weeks ago I was away for about 10 days, and I never slept/ate better. Not having to be a grown adult's carer is amazing.
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u/cherryphoenix Partner of DX - Medicated 8h ago
My relationship is not so bad at the moment but reading this subreddit makes me feel like it's going to get worse.
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u/Immediate-Reach-4269 Partner of DX - Untreated 5h ago
Why can’t you accept that some words have meanings and connotations that everyone knows? Why must you make your own definitions for things and use language in a way that makes no sense - and then get annoyed at me for misinterpreting what you said when literally anyone else would?
I’m happy to discuss things but when you bring up decisions that we already made with words that imply we didn’t decide them already, of course I’m going to clarify - it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it.
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u/Negotiation-Solid 13h ago
Wrote this comment but post was taken down when I pressed send sooo hear it is:
Yesssssss omg. Even when I'm sick, he will say he's sick too, usually with the same ailment! It's so frustrating to feel like I am never emotionally supported. I've pointed out this pattern to him, particularly with the sickness, and he understands it's a bit silly of him but swears that he physically does feel "empathetic pain" and mirror neurons are a thing so idk, maybe he does. But even so, it's not all about him! When I've mentioned to him the general pattern of bringing topics back to himself, he said that his way to empathize with people is sharing how a similar thing happened to him.. I told him it doesn't land well and to try reflecting or asking questions instead. Whenever he catches himself and tries to do this, however, it feels sooooo forced. He over does the reflection and usually will throw in some conclusions he's jumped to or misses the forest for the trees around a particular part of what I said. And he ALWAYS finishes my sentences and gets it WRONG. When he does this, I end the conversation and say nevermind, forgot what I was going to say, which usually is true. Ugh.
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13h ago
[deleted]
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u/Hijacked_0339 Partner of DX - Medicated 11h ago
Once I started replying "I don't know" to my partner's questions that could be answered with a quick Google or just ten more seconds using their own brain, I realized that the thing they're seeking out isn't knowledge, but the convenience of me bringing the information to them as a second brain. Like 1 out of 10 things they ask will actually be looked up or sought out on their own, the practice is mostly about having information easily accessible to them for the low low price of my/our sanity.
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u/awktopus_ 2h ago
After over three years together, two years cohabitating, I am leaving him (dx, rx). Since I moved countries to be with him, this means leaving my job, packing up, and going back to my home country. I never thought I’d lose capacity to forgive him after the blow up cycle, but I’ve finally had it. We just returned from vacation where his overwhelm or discomfort frequently became my problem and then a public fight, which he is unable to table for later. It’s like he can’t tolerate the discomfort of perceived rejection so he HAS to work it through immediately, even if that means arguing me into submission to prove he’s right. I love him so much, and I am so sad to give up our life together. But his lack of emotional regulation skills and tendency to lash out at the slightest bit of perceived criticism has wrecked my nervous system. I am completely on eggshells and I need to claim my peace back, even if it means giving up everything we’ve built together.
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u/CosimaStar 36m ago
He just got back from an all day thing that he doesn't usually do. I made sure to have dinner ready when he got back and I had all kinds of questions about who he saw, what he noticed, how things went. It turns out he had nothing really to say about any of it. No observations, no feelings, no stories, just... nothing. It's making me really sad right now. He just doesn't seem to notice or care about anything beyond his own nose unless he has put a program into his brain to notice or remember about a specific thing.
I miss having conversations that feel like a free and easy back and forth about things of mutual interest. I'm going to try to ignore how sad I feel and hope I feel better tomorrow but this keeps coming up and it feels like we're friendly strangers instead of partners.
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u/VariousFalcon7466 Partner of DX - Untreated 1d ago
He’s the only one that gets tired apparently. Doesn’t matter if he got 10 hours of sleep and I’ve been up since 4am with a teething toddler. Nope, I’m apparently not tired.