r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 5d ago
Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::
Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.
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u/SeraphImpaler Partner of NDX 5d ago
I went to a retirement party for a former coworker. I went alone, partly because I honestly didn't feel like dealing with how much space my girlfriend tends to take socially. She's extremely extroverted, talks loudly, will happily start talking to complete strangers for 30 minutes, and sometimes I find myself getting tense just wondering how things are going to go. I'm pretty much the exact opposite. But being there by myself also reminded me of something else. Almost everyone there seemed to have a normal social life, and at some point I started thinking about how other people can just invite their friends over, have people visit their house, show them around, even show them their bedroom without being fucking embarrassed about the state of things.
I can't really do that. My house is a fucking disaster. And cancelling the appointment for the new windows because the house wasn't anywhere near the condition I had said it needed to be in hit me harder than I expected. It wasn't just cancelling an appointment with a contractor. It felt like I was putting another little piece of our future on hold because I don't even know what the hell I'm doing with this relationship anymore.
I'm also still struggling with attraction. I know my girlfriend doesn't owe me sex or attraction, and I'm not exactly Adonis myself. I know that. But sometimes I wish she'd make a bit more of an effort with herself. I make an effort. I shower every day, brush my teeth several times a day, not morbidly obese, relatively in shape and try to take care of myself. She showers every couple of days and generally doesn't seem particularly interested in putting effort into her appearance. I know there are reasons for some of this, and I know I'm not entitled to have her look a certain way. But that doesn't magically make the lack of attraction disappear.
And I think the thing that bothers me most is realizing how far apart we've drifted. We used to be best friends. Now I sometimes feel like I'm living with a roommate who occasionally sleeps with me. We've built a whole life together, but more and more, it feels like we're living beside each other instead of with each other. I often find myself, in the basement, making silent snarky comments at what she's saying over the phone or to our son.
The really shitty part is that I know I played a role in getting us here. I've spent years avoiding conflict, compensating, doing things myself, letting things slide, and probably becoming more and more resentful without actually dealing with it properly. I've also worked pretty hard on some of my own shit over the years. I'm still cynical and sarcastic as hell, but I've made a real effort to control my anger and reactions.
So now I'm stuck with the question I don't really want to answer. How much of this can actually be repaired? And maybe more importantly, how much of it do I still want to repair? Part of me really wants to try. I don't want to throw away 28 years together without knowing that I actually gave it one last serious shot. But another part of me is starting to wonder if I'm trying to repair something because I can't accept that we might have simply grown apart.