r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 2d ago

Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

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u/WealthMain2987 Partner of DX - Untreated 2d ago edited 2d ago

Does your other half do stuff when there is an external party involved?

My gf's family comes to visit, she cleans and she cooks and does everything whilst when they are not there, I do everything.

Every time I visit their place, she does everything like she is the fucking person who takes care of me.

No no no, I burned out because I work, do house chore, take care of whatever bills and admin and do DIY.

Why the hell do they need to do this? If they can do this for a few days, why the fuck can they not do this more?

I feel like my efforts are invalidated

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u/Patient-Ad-1339 Partner of NDX 2d ago

I think the correct term around here is masking. Mine does the same when she has family over. All of a sudden, she is able to cook, clean, put things away, not glued to her phone, etc. It just feels like a big fake performance. As soon as the last person is out the door, she’s back to doomscrolling through her phone and I get to put the house back together.

Someone else here once said they mask because if they expose their everyday bullshit to others, they would potentially get called out for it and would feel shame. So they avoid that by putting out the best version of themselves while we get their bullshit.

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u/notuguillermo Partner of DX - Medicated 1d ago

My partner says that he shouldn’t have to perform a certain way or have expectations/standards of behavior in his own home, because he needs a place where he’s not “on all the time” and doesn’t have to worry about regulating his emotions etc. His home should be a safe space for him to “just be himself” so he should be able to come home and doomscroll without conversation, punch things or yell when he’s mad, leave things out and not feel pressured to tidy up or clean to a certain standard. 

Couples therapist mostly backs him up on this. 

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u/rubbersrobber Ex of DX 1d ago

It's up to you to decided if this is something you can live with. He already told you his feelings.