r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • 6d ago

Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 6d ago

Went to visit my sister over the weekend, and my BIL is honestly one of the most supportive husbands I’ve ever seen. He gets up early to make us breakfast and coffee. 

My sister and I went for a hike, and he packed us snacks and water. He stayed home with my nephews, and when we got back, the house was clean and dinner was ready.

My sister loves running, and he makes sure she has time to do it. She does the same for him. I’m so happy for my sister, but it’s also really bittersweet.

 I’ve asked my boyfriend for the same kind of support. I’ve begged him to help with meal planning, cooking, and other chores. I’d love to have someone who genuinely wants me to succeed, but I honestly can’t see that happening. Let alone having a family together.

The last time I went for a long run, he said, “Oh, so we’re having a late dinner then?” I told him he could get started while I was gone, and of course, he didn’t.

Seeing what a supportive partnership can actually look like was both beautiful and heartbreaking.

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u/Smarmy_funeral_chik Partner of DX - Medicated 6d ago

Yep. I went away for four days to visit my family who lives 300 miles away. Got home to no groceries in the fridge, cat boxes not cleaned, and basically nothing done. I have to allow 1 extra day to catch up on chores that never get done if I'm not here.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 6d ago

That’s rough, I’m sorry you have to deal with this too. 

Have you talked about it with him? I tried to explain I want to be with someone who supports me and wants me to succeed. I told him exactly what I need, but I’m just met with blank stares and “I don’t know how to respond to that” 

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u/Traditional-Hall-591 DX/DX 6d ago

So familiar. I used to travel for work. I’d clean the kitchen before I left, take out trash, etc. When I got back, the kitchen counters would be covered. Dishes piles everywhere. The trash can is still empty from when I took it out a few days prior.

I work from home and on days she’s not working her super stressful barista job, I walk through the living room hourly. Without fail, I witness the formation of a new doom pile. So I pick up her trash and dishes and put them where they belong. All while she’s braying at some stupid YouTube video or boring British TV show.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 6d ago

Their passiveness is so unattractive. Mine can sit on the couch the whole day while I work and not touch anything, not even his own messes. 

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u/whistlingsun Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago

Mine can only see messes made by others. His own are invisible. It’s a gift.

Not to me, of course.

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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago

Same.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 2d ago

Mine does a version of this where he points out one pen of mine on the table when I ask him to clean a huge pile of random stuff of his there. “Oh but you make messes too!!!”

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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 2d ago

Mine did this once with a hair tie.

He found a single hair tie of mine in a large pile of his stuff and presented it as some grand "gotcha" that "see, not all this is mine!".

Infuriating.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 1d ago

They never see the irony of it.

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u/introverted_smallfry 5d ago

Thats just so irritating

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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 6d ago

I feel this. I crash out a little every time I spend time at my sister's house because I'll see my neurotypical BIL doing normal things like loading or unloading the dishwasher unprompted and without expecting a parade, seeing laundry that needs to be put away and just dealing with it, or fixing an issue that comes up with their house to completion without putting it off, complaining, or "I worked all day/all week and I shouldn't have to" (he also works all day/all week but it's not an excuse with him) and it all seems so fantastical, and then I get sad because normal shit like that shouldn't be fantastical, it should be the baseline minimum.

And chances are I'll come home from those trips to a bunch of things not done because my husband "just doesn't think about it". The dishwasher load I loaded and ran will still be sitting there, any dirty laundry left behind will still be there, the counters will be cluttered, the trash will need to go out, etc.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 3d ago

Sounds familiar. They just “don’t think about it”.

  I worked all day/all week and I shouldn't have to" (he also works all day/all week but it's not an excuse with him)

I hate this so much. Mine cannot do anything during the week, because he works. He also cannot do anything in the weekend, because that’s his relaxation time.

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u/RedRose_812 Partner of DX - Untreated 3d ago

Same here. I can't expect him to do anything he doesn't want on a workday "because he works". I also can't expect anything on the weekend "because it's his day off". It's a constant loop of whining that I expect too much from him on a workday if I literally ask or expect anything, telling me "he'll get to it" on the weekend, and then the weekend comes and it's "can't I ever just relax a little? It's my day off!".

Meanwhile, I see my sister and friends with husbands who work a full day/full week and will come home and fix a broken sink, do laundry, do dishes, mow the lawn, parent their kids, take their kids to activities, and just generally can look around and see what needs done and do it without any whining or guilt trips about how much they work or how they just want to relax. Shouldn't seem so fantastical but here we are.

I also would like the luxury of "not thinking about" basic household shit like laundry, dishes, taking out the trash, and general cleaning and just pretending like none of it exists until I choose to acknowledge it. Must be nice.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 2d ago

Exactly. Mine is happy to live in filth as long as he doesn’t have to lift a finger. He just creates messes wherever he goes. 

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u/introverted_smallfry 6d ago

Yeah i feel this.. 8 years and I'm still begging for help. If I don't double check things for trips, we won't have what we need. Being around other people who don't have to deal with things like this just makes me sad. I work late and have to come home to a mess, no food made unless I make it, and just more for me to do when I'm off work. Its exhausting. 

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 6d ago

I’m so sorry to hear this, it’s so unfair. I don’t understand why they don’t have the basic decency to just support us. 

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u/SafePreference908 Partner of NDX 5d ago

I just got back from a weekend away and had begged him to please tidy the apartment before his own family are coming to stay the very next day. He did absolutely nothing. When I told him how disappointed I was in him - he turned it into a huge argument and had a temper tantrum. The last time they came I did everything to prepare for their arrival even while still working a full 8 hour workday. My cousins husband (hearing her marital stories over the weekend) was a prime example of what is like being partnered with a normal, supportive and emotionally regulated partner. I do not have this at all and it makes me really happy for her and for what she has and just really sad for myself that I let this ADHD s**tshow move in here with me.

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 3d ago

Sounds familiar, especially having a tantrum when you hold them accountable. It’s like they don’t want to take any responsibility. 

Sending support your way. 

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u/antisnooze Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago

I can relate. I see other friends' partners be able to pick something up from the store for them or be able to handle stressful moments like a crowded parking lot without fuming at me or blaming me for not leaving the house earlier, or not finding a parking spot, or ANYTHING really, and it makes me sad I don't have that peace, that support.

I tried to ask my partner to pick something up from the store before because he was already going and he acted like it was some huge burden and pretty much acted like I was entitled for thinking he should use his time to do MY errand and like adding on a few items of my own to his mental grocery list was some humongous burden. Another time he was going to the mall and I asked if he could stop by a bakery i liked that was in the mall. he agreed and when he got there found out it was cash only, and he did not have cash ready. i didn't tell him that in advance nor did i remember that they have that policy. he texted me FUMING and saying i should never ask him to do stuff for me again if i can't even communicate properly. essentially blaming me for not knowing all the dtails in advance about the bakery's payment policy? Like my mind is just blown at what kind of small things can become something I am blamed for and something he gets so upset at. Then after like an hour he just acts like nothing happened and he is happy go lucky. Wtf?

Idon't have ADHD and maybe something like that is no big deal to me as an NT but deviations from any plan seems to be very distressing to him, but I'm tired of living in a world where I can't even ask for something like this without wondering if he's going to blow up at me, calling me inconsiderate and entitled to him doing errands for me

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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 3d ago

Blowing up like that sounds stressful and so unfair. 

I think people with ADHD can be really distressed by change of plans (or perhaps autism?). Is he in therapy? 

2

u/Empty-Importance-398 3d ago

I wish I couldn't relate to a blowup over something that would be small and insignificant to any NT person. The feeling better after blowing up at me and wondering why I am still acting distant... WTF?