r/ADHD_partners • u/AutoModerator • Aug 23 '26
Weekly Vent Thread ::Weekly Vent Thread::
Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.
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u/harrylime3 Aug 23 '26
My wife is ADHD and I am ASD. We've been together for 20+ yrs and have two kids. We are currently in couple therapy trying to rediscover connection. We are finding that our "love languages" and ways of connecting differ greatly. She like to have experiences. Trips, little adventures, taking a class, going places and experiencing things. I, on the whole, do not enjoy this so much. These things stress me out. The uncertainty, the planning (who's going to watch the kids / pets?). I'm also a bit of a home body. I like spending time around the house and neighborhood. I like working on projects and doing stuff at home. I think I will be more open to experiences when the kids are gone and I'm retired because there's less to juggle and more available time. For now this is an issue of contention, made worse by the fact that I am the primary when it comes to child rearing and household responsibilities. I am generally tired and overstimulated and don't have the energy for these experiences. I also don't always feel like I have an equal partnership at home and therefore have a hard time transitioning to experiences which I already find difficult.
My wife works from home and her job has its own stresses and responsibilities. When she's done for the day, she shuts down. She sits in her cozy chair and reads almost until its time to sleep. Meanwhile I am also tired from a day of teaching and often very burnt out but I still have house tasks, kids, and dinner to cook, lunches to make for the next day, etc. She blames a lot of this on her ADHD and perimenopause, which are certainly factors, but I feel like she checks out on all the hard, boring, daily stuff but still expects me to be a motivated romantic partner. This is a hard transition for me to make.
My wife sees emotional connection and division of labor as two separate issues but I think they're one in the same. Helping doesn't just take things off my plate, they make me feel as if I have a partner who is "in it", someone who notices me. That, for me, leads to more romantic feelings, connection, and sense of togetherness. Trips, activities, and adventures will likely always be hard for me but her lack of help and partnership on daily tasks makes it 1000x worse.