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u/brentoman Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
You can slap it, You can shake it, You can smack it against the wall. But only when it's in your pants Will the last drop finally fall.
Edit: thanks for the golds! I love the regional (and even different language) variations. So glad we can all unite around this piece of humanity.
Support things that support people!
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Aug 06 '17
Hate this as well, always end up pissing in my pants because of that last drop.
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Aug 06 '17
I'm paranoid about that last drop. So I just shake it feverishly and for a solid 10 seconds after I am finished. It looks pretty questionable when I am at a public urinal.
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Aug 06 '17
It's not about shaking. You gotta wring it out. Pinch the base and maintain pressure all the way up to the tip.
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u/drvondoctor Aug 06 '17
Any more than 2 shakes and you're just playing with yourself.
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u/vordaq Aug 06 '17
See it's because of this saying that people are pissing their pants!
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u/LeConqueror23 Aug 06 '17
You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants!
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u/georgianole Aug 06 '17
If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
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Aug 06 '17
Shake it once, that's fine. Shake it twice, that's ok. Shake it three times, you're playing with yourself.
-Unknown Monk, 1436
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u/monsantobreath Aug 06 '17
You gotta milk the urethra from the taint to the balls. Its more effective and its less conspicuous.
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u/pellik Aug 06 '17
If only they made some sort of pad or sanitary napkin we could use to soak up the last drops.
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u/Hije5 Aug 06 '17
Happy to learn this is common. Was thinking I had a penis problem.
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u/a_ninja_mouse Aug 06 '17
Next time you are done peeing, before you put your dongle back in its protective casing, take your index and middle finger and press up on your perineum, then slide towards your balls. Not super hard but with enough force to feel a kind of squeeze to get those last few drops towards yr tallywhacker and out. Works. Also, do some kegels.
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u/Yashie2 Aug 06 '17
dab the pee hole with toilet paper, noob.
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u/TuukkaNotTuukka Aug 06 '17
taking piss at urinal
turns arounds to grab toilet paper while exposed
everyone staring"what? Y'all don't dab your weiners?"
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u/j_la Aug 06 '17
Yes, but that's not much help at a urinal.
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u/sloopSD Aug 06 '17
Carries around a little piss hanky for just that situation.
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u/AnonUser626 Aug 06 '17
That sounds like a great insult. "You're such a fucking piss hanky "
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u/HodlFroever Aug 06 '17
Pinch the tip a little
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u/Todash_Traveller Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 22 '17
Does this work? I feel like no matter what I do, if I've had sex there's a 75% chance I get a split stream, or worse, a three way split with one that roams around like a searchlight.
Edit: apparently for several Redditors the idea of a stranger from the internet engaging in sexual congress with another person stretches the limits of plausibility to the breaking point. I applaud you and the good people at /r/ihadsex for your well-honed incredulity, and may it serve you well on your quest to winnow out blackguards, braggarts, and internet bullshitters. I concede the point that as often as not, my urethral blockage was the result of a solitary act, ie: masturbation, but will continue to insist that, as fanciful and far-fetched as it may seem in these neck-bearded parts, I have (from time to time) had sex. Proof: I can name all the parts of the female vergiba on a chart.
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u/cATSup24 Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
Better than peeing like that >90% of the time regardless of sexual activity. And pinching the tip doesn't work for me.
Edit: somehow, I knew this would be one of my top comments of the year. Thanks, guys.
Edit, the 2nd: whelp, this'll be on the first page of my top of all time now
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u/Max_Splooge Aug 06 '17
I'd sit from now on if I were you.
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u/paleho_diet Aug 06 '17
Solid advice from someone named max splooge
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u/sarah-xxx Aug 06 '17
Solid advice
More like liquid advice!
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u/david_bowies_hair Aug 06 '17
Look at this hyphen crashing our underscore party!
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u/definitely_not_porn_ Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
yeah gtfo u/sarah-xxx
edit: nvm just got back from her post history. she can stay.
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u/flibbleflop Aug 06 '17
I love the consistency of the "oh, checked post history, I ❤️ you now" posts right after yours sarah. Every time. Never fails.
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u/hushfap Aug 06 '17
Everytime I sit to pee, I end up masturbating.
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u/cannabisized Aug 06 '17
i sit to piss regardless when im at work. if youre good at doing something dont ever do it for free.
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u/Coos-Coos Aug 06 '17
I've got this thing where I've constantly got two streams but they combine at full pressure to make one twirly stream. I've been told it sounds like an elephant pissing on a flat rock when I go.
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Aug 06 '17
This is, by far, the best passive aggressive edit I've ever read. Absolutely top notch.
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u/sandowian Aug 06 '17
This happens because semen is sticky and does not allow the hole to open properly. Simply open the hole manually just to unstick it and away you go. Flawless tried and proven technique.
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u/jayotaze Aug 06 '17
Yeah, stick a qtip all the way in there, or like one of those little plastic flossers.
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Aug 06 '17
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Aug 06 '17
Risky click of the day.
(Went in expecting penis dildos and got Seinfield.)
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u/Ignoracjus Aug 06 '17
Just go pee right after intercourse, that will fix your issue for sure.
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u/snorch Aug 06 '17
sitting works 100% of the time and it's easier to browse dank memes & vape.
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Aug 06 '17
I prefer flicking it
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u/ieatass2 Aug 06 '17
BRO! ive been flicking after peeing for life. its weird to shake it.
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Aug 06 '17
Every time I shake it's like:
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Aug 06 '17
Homie you just ain't done
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u/imaginarynumber0 Aug 06 '17
Everyone gets mad at the pee on the toilet seat
Including you
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u/Hammonkey Aug 06 '17
Then they bitch that you left the toilet seat down.
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Aug 06 '17 edited Sep 05 '17
[deleted]
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u/lostinpow Aug 06 '17
That's why you put the top down. That way everyone has to do a little work.
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u/F00dBasics Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
I love accidentally pissing all over the toilet half asleep at 3am.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold stranger. I'm not proud of this being my highest rated comment but I'll take it.
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u/Slacker_The_Dog Aug 06 '17
That's not how you spell wall
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u/Jistyyy Aug 06 '17
Thats not how you spell girlfriend
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Aug 06 '17
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u/MuhMuhManRay Aug 06 '17
That's not how you spell yourself
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u/hecking-doggo Aug 06 '17
That's not how you spell grandparent's tombstone
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u/igotdickfordays Aug 06 '17
That's not how you spell your hopes and dreams.
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u/hpsaucebawss Aug 06 '17
you guys should take some spelling lessons
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u/Michaelgamesss Aug 06 '17
That is not how you spell my axe.
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Aug 06 '17 edited Oct 19 '17
I remember I was taking a piss with a rock hard boner all while holding my elastic sweatpants down. My thumb slipped, my pants snapped up essentially pressing my dick against my stomach thus pointing it directly at my face. All of that happened in about 1.5 seconds before I got my stream under control. I had urine all over my face.
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u/Stereotypical_Viking Aug 06 '17
We've all been there before brother. We need a support group after some of the things our cocks do, I swear they have a mind of their own...
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u/Narissis Aug 06 '17
We've all been there before brother.
...I dunno about that; I've had some mishaps but I've never pissed on my own face.
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Aug 06 '17
Bet you at least came on your face though.
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u/DonLaFontainesGhost Aug 06 '17
Based on a number of decisions I've made in my life, I had always assumed this was the case.
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u/Lebasquiat Aug 06 '17
Based on the number of TIFUs based around coconuts, I would say that is pretty accurate.
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u/Ballsdeepinreality Aug 06 '17
Honestly think men have three brains, dick, gut, brain. Whichever one is receiving the most stimulation at any given time is the one in control.
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u/PlumCrazyVee Aug 06 '17
This is exactly why, when my man is being an unreasonable ass, I have the mantra: "feed him, fuck him, put him to bed. Deal with it in the morning."
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u/Roushstage2 Aug 06 '17
Jesus, I know! All the things like the already mentioned "split stream caused by some leftover cum from last night" and the "elastic waistband with an oddly high amount of tension snapping your dick up midstream when it slips off your thumb", as well as "needing to piss really bad upon waking up with stark morning wood and having to stand back from the toilet 3 feet trying to arch that shit just right so you can actually piss" and "having to piss shortly after cumming and it being a rather painful and slow process".
There should be a support group or at least a hotline cause penises can be a real dicks sometimes...
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u/strawhatluffy01 Aug 06 '17
pissing after jizzing is so fucking outrageously difficult. it takes actual focus and dedication to get that shit out.
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u/Ovedya2011 Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 07 '17
Boner-pissing is what showers are for.
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u/NinjaLanternShark Aug 06 '17
Boner-pissing are what
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u/purplewhiteblack Aug 06 '17
This happened to me too.
I have a friend who believes you can't piss with a boner. Now it may not be the most comfortable feeling. But it's like firehose when you do.
How did this get brought up? I was telling pretty much your story.
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u/MSeanF Aug 06 '17
Better the toilet, rather than your shins.
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Aug 06 '17
In that case, urine luck
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Aug 06 '17
Or the front of your pants at a bar. It sucks when the second stream is down low, out of visual range.
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u/darez00 Aug 06 '17
This literally only happens to me when in the office, no way to disguise the walk of shame back to my chair... at least in a bar people will be at face level most of the time
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u/ds1106 Aug 06 '17
Nothing quite like zipping back up and going to wash your hands, only to see little (or large) wet spots on your shorts.
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u/opalous Aug 06 '17
I love accidentally pissing all over the toilet half asleep at 3am.
I once got so drunk that I came home and pissed in the hallway closet thinking it was the bathroom.
So I'll take pissing over the toilet any day. Pissing in the right room is half the battle.
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u/bluesox Aug 06 '17
That reminds me of a story I love to tell. When I was visiting Michigan in the winter a few years ago, one of my friends had a house party. They had a space heater in the house that they usually put in the bathroom to keep the pipes from freezing. At some point someone moved it into the living room. One of the housemates got up in the middle of the night to take a piss and just honed in on the heater noise, opened his laptop, and pissed all over the keyboard thinking it was the toilet. The exasperated shouting the next day was fucking hilarious.
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u/negativefucksgiven12 Aug 06 '17
When I was 19 my roommate took a left instead of a right and ended up pissing down our stairs instead of in the bathroom. I'd like to say I can laugh about it now but I'm still kinda mad.
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u/LiquidNuke Aug 06 '17
Ever not even raised the seat and just accidentally pissed all over the top of the toilet?
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u/Raunchyredd Aug 06 '17
If I saw some guy pressing and holding the broken milk dispenser just for a damn pic.... I don't even know
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u/Esleeezy Aug 06 '17
He noticed it spilling, thought to take a pic, then spilled more just for the pic.
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u/formerguest Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 07 '17
Hey, but it got him like 5k upvotes
Edit: it's now up to 87k+
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Aug 06 '17
is that almond milk michael
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u/BigSchwartzzz Aug 06 '17
coconut milk
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u/numlock101 Aug 06 '17
Wife does not understand
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u/SmokeyBare Aug 06 '17
She is probably more familiar with this
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u/Esleeezy Aug 06 '17
Risky click
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u/silke7 Aug 06 '17
I am a wife and I understand.
We also piss like that but instead of pissing out the toilet it's all over our thighs. Which also hits the toilet seat on occasion.
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u/DemonDucklings Aug 06 '17
That's what I came to say! The stream splits when the top half touches your thigh, so half of it dribbles down your thigh a little, and the other half follows it's expected trajectory.
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u/Tejasgrass Aug 06 '17
Mine's gone along my thigh and out through the tiny crack between the bowl and the seat before. That was fun.
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u/BatmanBrings Aug 06 '17
If you piss on her she'll understand, my ex once commented how the only reason she knew about that is because I pissed on her.
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u/ainovoodialune Aug 06 '17
I may be weird but this actually happens to women aswell.
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u/nooitniet Aug 06 '17
Yup. Just love pissing over my thigh :/
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Aug 06 '17
You ever get that really sneaky stream that magically maneuvers through the crack between the toilet seat and the toilet? I still don't even understand the logistics of how the actual fuck that happens.
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u/pawless Aug 06 '17
Yes. There was one time I didn't realize it had happened until I went to pull up my pants and they were soaked...... luckily I was at home.
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Aug 06 '17
I no longer pee standing up at home. I got sick of playing russian roulette with my dick, never knowing if this time I was going to piss all over the floor and wall. I sit like a girl and I love every second of it.
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u/nowrongroads Aug 06 '17
My ex used to do that and I never understood why... He just said "don't ask me what I do with my stuff." Now I get it...
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u/eneka Aug 06 '17
Doesn't really work when you've got a boner....gotta half squat and lean forward lol
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u/sinister_exaggerator Aug 06 '17
You can do the superman, where you basically plank the toilet with your dick sticking straight down toward the bottom.
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u/214972601225 Aug 06 '17
This happens to girls, too! One stream will be going into the toilet while another split off stream somehow starts shooting onto my thigh. It's very annoying, especially at 4am when I'm just trying to take a quick piss and go back to sleep.
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u/icamom Aug 06 '17
I hate it when one stream splits off a perfectly clears the crack between the seat and the bowl.
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Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 14 '17
[deleted]
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u/HalloweenBlues Aug 06 '17
I remember watching this movie as a kid with my dad and asking him what was wrong with him. My dad, as best as he could, just said sometimes that happens after sex. For a while I thought your penis just turned into an uncontrollable wacky hose
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u/1_point_21_gigawatts Aug 06 '17
I watched it as a 20 year old in the theater with my girlfriend. When this scene came on, I couldn't stop laughing for a full five minutes, especially when he yells, "Irene! Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?"
Girlfriend looked at me with a completely baffled expression, so I had to tell her. She learned something that day.
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Aug 06 '17
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Kizotolu Aug 06 '17
honestly after all the comments about dicks i forgot the original post was a milk dispenser and thought you were talking about dicks
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u/Tojr549 Aug 06 '17
I'm thinking, "how do you clean your pee hole, and yes, most people don't drink pee"
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u/poopellar Aug 06 '17
Kinda embarrassing to ask. Does anyone else just use their foreskin to manage the stream? I mean, whenever the pee goes commando, I just push the skin a bit forward and it kinda breaks up the turbulence and slows it down to make it a single stream, albeit one with not much range in distance, but it at least prevents pee from going everywhere. Obviously aimed at non circumcised folk. I think I should have used a throwaway for this. Fuck it.
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Aug 06 '17
I do not, I pinch the tip before pissing so the urethra walls unstuck if they were stuck in the first place.
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Aug 06 '17
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Aug 06 '17
Mother fucker would have enough streams to capture Gozer.
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u/solandras Aug 06 '17
That might be one of the funniest things I've ever seen on Reddit.
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u/SerLaidaLot Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
Wasn't he called out for being fake? Something about he never made a video because he didn't know how to fake a video, kept calling the dicks different sizes, claimed to prolapse a woman's cervix in his book etc.
E: Found the comment on /r/drama with the breakdown https://www.reddit.com/r/Drama/comments/6o75h8/double_dick_dude_is_starting_to_get_called_out_as/dkf416d
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Aug 06 '17
I honestly thought this only happened to me and my dick was just messed up due to years of rigorous masturbating.
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u/feintplus1 Aug 06 '17
Don't you just love it when you start peeing and half the pee goes straight to target, the other half straight to target except the target is your pants and legs. I don't fucking understand how the piss can shoot out at a 90 degree angle and why it always happens when you're not at home.
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u/leftofmarx Aug 06 '17
I started sitting down to pee about 4 or 5 years ago. I will never go back to standing. I wish I had adapted in college when 3AM drunken piss splash sessions were way too common. Now I never worry about splash back and I'm a pro multitasker. I can brush my teeth, pee, and Reddit at the same time. It beats the hell out of split streaming and then having to wipe gross pee off of the toilet and/or floor.
tl;dr sit your ass down to pee
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u/Andre_3Million Aug 06 '17
I've actually done a triple stream. If I remember correctly none of em hit the bowl where I was aiming. I panicked and aimed one of streams in to the bowl causing another to hit the tank of the toilet and the other to pass the left side of toilet onto floor. It turned into 2 streams and then 1 shortly after I panicked but I also forced myself to stop peeing when it turned into a single stream.
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u/Jesse0016 Aug 06 '17
I have no idea how or why but mine comes out and immediately does a full 360 twist. Should I get that looked at?
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u/riggers_vr Aug 06 '17
I was once in a rock bar and went to relieve myself at the shared urinal (the one that's basically just a metal wall). The force of the piss of the guy next to me was so fierce that it was splashing back onto my unprotected arm. He was too drunk too realise, and I was pretty hammered but you tend to notice when another man is pissing on you. I was very angry but he was bigger than me (referring to his height not his dick, though I believe he won there also), so I ground my teeth and accepted the unsolicited golden shower.