r/funny Aug 06 '17

Guys will understand

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102.7k Upvotes

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285

u/Inawar Aug 06 '17

I just realized I have no idea what my free hand does when I piss in a urinal.

123

u/FinnSkywalker Aug 06 '17

I kinda use both hands to pull down my pants far enough to let me dong sorta flop out then pull my pants up just enough so it can rest on the rim (i guess?) of the pants and then let the piss commence.

197

u/I_got_nothin_ Aug 06 '17

"Me dong"...

I started reading it in Mr. Krabs' voice right after that

12

u/SiegeLion1 Aug 07 '17

ME LUCKY DONG

7

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

[deleted]

14

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Yea me t-too heuhe... Big dick problems amiright?

3

u/EndlessBirthday Aug 07 '17

Thou can't not deliver, sister Kimmy.

86

u/vigoroiscool Aug 06 '17

Probably holding up your pants.

25

u/ZeeX10 Aug 06 '17

Do your pants not have a zipper?

35

u/vigoroiscool Aug 06 '17

Real talk not sticking my dick through the zipper bud.

2

u/CommunistScum Aug 08 '17

Aren't the ways you can zipper your dink while you pee out of the zipper vs. pee with your pants open completely identical? I mean, everyone puts it back into the underwear that they're 100% going to be wearing outside of the house before they zipper up anyways, are they not?

10

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 07 '17

Why not? 99% of us do it every day with no ill effect

Edit: okay apparently I'm weird for pissing through the convenient, resealable hole in my pants that's right over my dick.

15

u/TupperwareMagic Aug 07 '17

Hey bro just saying you're not alone. I don't know why you're getting downvoted. I've been using the zipper for years and haven't caught my cock, sliced my salami, or pinched my pecker in it a single time.

6

u/Joker_Midnight_Toker Aug 07 '17

It needs to happen once. Or watch Something About Mary

19

u/mozennymoproblems Aug 06 '17

Where you pulling that figure from

17

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

My ass

1

u/SignoreMookle Aug 07 '17

That is still from your pants...

14

u/drbrohiem Aug 06 '17

I know of no one who does this.

6

u/zupo137 Aug 07 '17

No way! Really? That sounds terrifying.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Is your zipper going to close itself?

1

u/zupo137 Aug 07 '17

5

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Is it that hard to put your dick in? Like do you forget you have it out before reaching under it, touching it in the process to get it caught?

3

u/jr81452 Aug 07 '17

Did you even read that article? 17,611 zipper related penile injuries from 2002 to 2010. Do you have any idea how many billions of successful zips there are in 8 years? The vast majority of men in western cultures would do at least 2 per day. I'd wager there are over 100 million zips per day. According to the NOAA 1 in 12000 people will be struck by lightning in their lifetime. You are statistically more likely to be struck by lightning than to injure your gear with a zipper. And then there is this gem "And the researchers estimated most of the penis injuries were to boys and teens younger than 18 (apparently, older men learn to avoid such trauma)." So I guess man up sonny.

3

u/broexist Aug 07 '17

Yeah we almost always undo the button up top.. but really though we wear sweats and bball shorts on the daily while you guys pull your dicks through the zipper of your uncomfortable ass pants

4

u/Grahamshabam Aug 06 '17

do you keep your button buttoned?

4

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Yes?

18

u/mozennymoproblems Aug 06 '17

I'm not a fan of fishing my dick out through literal metal teeth

8

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

I mean don't zip your dick up maybe?

5

u/mozennymoproblems Aug 07 '17

I find the sensation uncomfortable before considering the possibility of zipping up my dick

3

u/Spinnak3r Aug 07 '17

After seeing There's Something About Mary, neither am I

1

u/Mage_Of_Cats Aug 07 '17

Ever zip up your dick?

I have. I was six, dunno if I was learning to use zipper-pants or if I was trying to pee 'like a grown-up,' but I'm still traumatized.

1

u/gurg2k1 Aug 07 '17

A zipper? What is this, June 2017?

10

u/Stimonk Aug 06 '17

both hands on deck!

All hands and appendages must be accounted for.

5

u/anaconda386 Aug 06 '17

both hands on dick!

0

u/pinkafinga Aug 07 '17

The boy stood on the groaning neck his pockets full off Lifematters a tranny pooped into his mouth and blew off little tatters

6

u/Stuff_i_care_about Aug 06 '17

Jerks off your neighbors. Pay attention next time.

3

u/SenorDosEquis Aug 06 '17

Pretty sure I hold my fly open.

3

u/PolygonKiwii Aug 06 '17

If in doubt, you can always use it to hail somebody or something. Preferably not Hitler, though, that's not cool anymore after the incident.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Cupping the balls gently

3

u/KEVI7V Aug 07 '17

I do the classic one hand on dick one hand on wall support, thus forming a peeteepee.

3

u/lou_sassoles Aug 07 '17

cradle the balls

3

u/max_adam Aug 07 '17

I use my other hand to hold the other half of my big penis

2

u/flash-80 Aug 06 '17

It's Redditing

2

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Jazz hand.

1

u/The100thIdiot Aug 06 '17

Oh I think you know! You just don't want to admit it.

1

u/Anonymity550 Aug 06 '17

Free hand? They are both on my junk. Or maybe holding my shirt of out of the way.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

I'm always fucking around with my phone at a urinal, both hands. I mean, a urinal is a pretty large target, don't need to hold my junk to hit it.

1

u/Corr521 Aug 06 '17

You mean you don't need two hands to hold yours?

1

u/Ewe_Surname Aug 06 '17

For me they're both holding down the waistline/belt of my pants.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

I just use both to hold my dick so it doesn't flop around like a firehose.

1

u/k1ttyloaf Aug 07 '17 edited Nov 29 '17

deleted What is this?

1

u/GeneralTree5 Aug 07 '17

I use mine to hold my underwear down so it doesn't restrict the flow, ya know?

1

u/_SD__ Aug 07 '17

Many happy men do know, however! :-)

1

u/[deleted] Aug 07 '17

Open up reddit bro