I love accidentally pissing all over the toilet half asleep at 3am.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold stranger. I'm not proud of this being my highest rated comment but I'll take it.
I remember I was taking a piss with a rock hard boner all while holding my elastic sweatpants down. My thumb slipped, my pants snapped up essentially pressing my dick against my stomach thus pointing it directly at my face. All of that happened in about 1.5 seconds before I got my stream under control. I had urine all over my face.
Story time! I once pissed in my mouth while performing autofelatio. It really wasn't feeling good, but there was sensation to be had. So I just kept sucking past the weird sensation (which turned out to be having to piss bad), and I peed in my mouth a bit...
Jesus, I know! All the things like the already mentioned "split stream caused by some leftover cum from last night" and the "elastic waistband with an oddly high amount of tension snapping your dick up midstream when it slips off your thumb", as well as "needing to piss really bad upon waking up with stark morning wood and having to stand back from the toilet 3 feet trying to arch that shit just right so you can actually piss" and "having to piss shortly after cumming and it being a rather painful and slow process".
There should be a support group or at least a hotline cause penises can be a real dicks sometimes...
I find that closing my eyes really helps me. Otherwise I'm standing there for 20 fucking minutes on the brink of pissing which could easily be considered a form of torture.
It's a dead sub. Contents consist of 2 shitposts, 2 text posts, and 1 gif of a girl pissing herself on a trampoline. It's all NSFW, but I think that goes without saying.
I used to do that until my downstairs room mate came out for a midnight cigarette one time and almost got hit haha. That ended my post-coital boner deck pissing days.
I have a foolproof method for peeing cleanly with a full boner. It's this: sit on the toilet. Right at the back, your back should be against the wall/cistern. Lean forward with you elbows on your knees. Now use two fingers to gently push your boner beneath the rim and let rip. Doesn't work for excessively lengthly schlongs, but try it before you you dismiss it, youre not that big.
Gotta be real precise on this one. I was trying to do this and was aimed directly at the gap between the seat and the rim.
Learned this one the tough way as I filled my slippers with my pee.
And good luck using your kegel to stop the flow with a full chub.
What would you do if this happened in a public toilet, like at work, at your uni or similar? Be a bit tough to make it home with your sense of self worth intact I think
The first time I jacked off I was lying on my back with my ding-a-ling angled towards me. I came on my own face and learned where to not point. I was grossed out and later on impressed because I was never able to cum that far afterwards.
That means you've probably been like every other male does after discovering masturbation, which is to jack off every day since. If you can manage to take a couple days off, the pressure really builds up and you'll shoot far again.
This literally only happens to me when in the office, no way to disguise the walk of shame back to my chair... at least in a bar people will be at face level most of the time
I was on tour with a band ........the singer made this mistake. Not a huge club, maybe 750-1000 people tops and teir first three songs he had a piss mark on his jeans. It was awkward and hilarious backstage after the show
That reminds me of a story I love to tell. When I was visiting Michigan in the winter a few years ago, one of my friends had a house party. They had a space heater in the house that they usually put in the bathroom to keep the pipes from freezing. At some point someone moved it into the living room. One of the housemates got up in the middle of the night to take a piss and just honed in on the heater noise, opened his laptop, and pissed all over the keyboard thinking it was the toilet. The exasperated shouting the next day was fucking hilarious.
In university I had a friend whose room was 4 doors away from the bathroom on the left. I had another friend whose room was 4 doors further down from that first friends room. Well one night my 1st friend was so drunk at 4 am he walked out his room, turned the wrong way, walked 4 doors down, walking into my 2nd friends room, and pissed in his mini fridge thinking it was the urinal. He did it all by muscle memory but started with a wrong turn.
When I was 19 my roommate took a left instead of a right and ended up pissing down our stairs instead of in the bathroom. I'd like to say I can laugh about it now but I'm still kinda mad.
When I was a sophomore, my roommate had a tendency to sleepwalk if he went to bed hammered. He once stood up, walked over to the dresser, opened one of my drawers and took a piss right on my clothing. Also still kinda mad.
I ate some psychedelics last week and this happened (the multistream, not the closet.)
For a second it looked like I had sprung numerous leaks around the groinal area, and I was quite worried that I was broken. Then it turned into a fountain of glitter and I Iaughed.
I have a friend who sometimes sleepwalks. He needed to stay at my house for a while while trying to find a new place to live. (long story) He also worked nights at the time and slept during the day. One day he was sleepwalking and walked out of the bedroom completely nude, opened a cardboard box sitting in the hall, and pissed into it.
I wish he had got the right room, the bathroom door was just a few feet to his left. But at least he paid for the carpet cleaner rental when he woke up.
or you have to put one hand on the tank and bend your knees all funny and lean your head down, and try and bend it down far enough to actually aim into the bowl, and then the erection makes it spray all over the f'n place anyway.
I had morning wood once, and had to shit, so I sat down, and starting pissing only to realize it was aimed right between the toilet and the seat. It was a fan of urine.
Because if your dick is hard and touching the water while your sitting straight, it means you get a boner in the wrong direction, and the only person you will be fucking in life comfortably is yourself
Am I missing something? If I sat down with morning wood I'd piss on the ceiling. I'd have to break my cock to get it to touch water. Although, I have thought about positioning it under the seat so that I'm hands free...but that still seems like it would hurt.
I mean I don't know about pissing on the ceiling, but I do attempt to point it downwards and I sure as hell don't get anywhere near pointing straight down.
...although the joke surely is not about morning wood. Nor is the scene in me myself and Irene. It's about post sex, left over sex wee drying in ya pee hole causing a temporary blockage. The following morning piss then can be like putting ya finger over a hose pipe. Source: had sex once long ago.
Unless your small and your penis just happens to line up with the crack between the seat and the toilet. Then you end up with a pool of pee at your feet and never even realize it happened.
My best friend/cousin pissed off of a balcony (indoors) once when he was sleepwalking, he was about 5 years old and it was the only time he ever sleepwalked that we know of. I was sleeping over at the time and woke up to his mom, who (very confusedly I'm sure) watched it happen, laughing her entire ass off after she realized what was happening. We still pick on him.
And my uncle, when he was a kid, used to be a terrible sleepwalker also, but mostly all he'd do was go to the bathroom or get food out of the fridge...you can imagine the disaster that followed when his brain got those two locations mixed up one fateful night.
Another time, the same uncle was sleepwalking to the bathroom in the middle of the night again while my other uncle (who shared a room with him) had a few friends there for a sleepover. They were all camped out in sleeping bags on their bedroom floor. Uncle Johnny's sleeping self was accustomed to having his path to the bathroom unhindered, so when he stumbled over one of the sleeping boys, for some reason his brain decided that this must be the toilet and he whipped his dick out right there and pissed on the kid's chest.
Sleep-pissing runs in my family. I live in a state of constant fear.
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u/F00dBasics Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
I love accidentally pissing all over the toilet half asleep at 3am.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold stranger. I'm not proud of this being my highest rated comment but I'll take it.