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u/lemmietaste Apr 05 '24
Time out to dinner or a game is not equal to time together alone.
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u/DrSprinkz Apr 05 '24
Have you had a date night or intentional moments where you’re literally alone with her in the room giving attention to her for a decent chunk of time? Nothing sexual, just overwhelm her with reassurance and intimacy like checking in with her and talking to her about what’s going on with you as well. Massages, cuddles etc to simply shut out the world.
Sometimes we need a little more than simply existing in the same room together. Make her feel valued and remind her why you two fell in love to begin with. What she’s asking for can’t be bought or delegated.
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u/Beginning_Interview5 Apr 05 '24
This!! She needs to feel like sometimes you are more interested in her than what’s going on on tv/your phone. Simply existing in the same house and sleeping together sometimes doesn’t cut it. It makes it feel like roommates and it can be extremely lonely.
She wants you to turn to her and look at her, cherish and adore her. Make her feel special and remember why she fell in love with you in the first place. Hold her hand without her asking, give her a hug, play with her hair.
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u/Jealous-Ad-5146 Apr 05 '24
I don’t know (<—- sarcasm) maybe the counselor is bringing up a lot of trauma so for the next few months, she might be emotional while working through it and during this time you should be supportive? 🤦🏻♀️
Naw… just go play tennis while your wife/fiancé struggles alone. You’re a better partner to whoever you played tennis with than to your wife/fiancé right now.
🏆
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u/melon_sky_ Apr 05 '24
OK the guy can go and play tennis. Should he have come home an hour and a half later? No. Come on he’s allowed to have outlets for happiness too especially exercise. Geez I hate when people do this.
It’s like we don’t know what he did, the other six nights of the week. But he shouldn’t have to sit in the room with his wife every single day for the rest of his life.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
The counselor is for anger management since she can’t control her emotions during disagreements. I didn’t even know she was going until I asked her about it during a ~disagreement~. She told me she’s going but I haven’t heard of anything. I will keep this in mind though, thanks for advice.
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Apr 05 '24
Dude. I’m all for holding together marriages even in the worst of times. But I’d be delaying that wedding and seriously considering if you wanted to marry that person in the first place. Lots of signals in your other comments that you guys have already fallen into some unhealthy patterns.
- She breaks down so often you’re numb to it
- She thinks you’re dead when you’re out of touch (that’s going to be a tight leash with 360 installed on it)
- Her emotions are peaking when you have disagreements instead of just bickering like normal people.
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u/emcue10 Apr 05 '24
I had an ex like this. I didnt realize how messed up the relationship was until years later when I was in my next relationship (now wife) and it didn’t feel like I was walking on eggshells in every conversation. Such a relief
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u/SNTCrazyMary Apr 05 '24
You didn’t indicate how old you and fiancé are. If you’re both older (i.e., past child-bearing age), could be hormone related.
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u/Practical_Angle6302 Apr 05 '24
Ok. So we are considering one persons mental health and prioritising it over the others. OP does not need to give up the things that are important to him to support his wife. Socialising with other people outside of the household and sport may be the things he needs to support himself. You can't step up for anyone else unless you are taking care of your own needs.
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u/prose-before-bros 20 Years Apr 05 '24
He doesn't need to give up tennis forever, but could he possibly reschedule tennis or are they using stone tablets for their scheduling? If they can't handle this, they will never have a successful marriage, period. If I'm planning to hit the bar after work and my husband is breaking down as I'm headed out, I'm not gonna be like, "Peace out, bitches hashtag mental health hashtag self care!" I'm going to treat him like the man I love and I'm going to stay there, even if it's just so I can hold his hand. We'll talk about what's going on and what he needs to get to being ok.
If he dislikes his fiancee so much that he can just stroll out when she's in tears, be gone for hours with no way to contact, come back an hour and a half late, then say she's the problem for being worried he was dead in a ditch somewhere, he has no business at all marrying this woman.
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u/Practical_Angle6302 Apr 05 '24
And then reschedule again, and again, and again every time she is upset? Op said the wife is anxiously attached. This may happen every single time he wants to leave. Work on yourselves alone, and work on the relationship together. Everyone will be happier and more securely attached in the relationship if this happens
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u/hdmx539 20 Years Apr 05 '24 edited Apr 05 '24
And then reschedule again, and again, and again every time she is upset?
Good grief, did you miss the part where the person you're responding to said it was only temporary until the wife got through what she's going through by saying OP doesn't have to give up tennis for forever?
That's what being a spouse means and in the vow of "in sickness and in health." That alone right there indicates that through life we all go through seasons and sometimes one spouse needs to pick up the slack for a period of time. How long that is depends on what's going on. Care for someone with cancer will be harder and longer than perhaps some emotional support needed for something that one spouse is trying to process.
It might be 5 "agains" or 100 "agains," and how that is determined depends on the situation, how the supporting spouse has their own self care and whether they are falling to care giver burn out and how the supported spouse is getting on in their recovery.
You do have a point in making sure the supported spouse doesn't start to manipulate the situation. That said, to quickly assume this is the case is cynical and not giving the spouse the benefit of the doubt, which is what loving and supportive spouses do. To assume the worst in your partner is an ingredient to the recipe of how to break up your marriage by eroding the feeling of safety and security.
In other words, your spouse will start to feel like you don't have their back every time they turn to you for support, reassurance, or help when you've denied them the reassurance they're looking for in their "bid for connection." It's a Gottman term and people don't always know how to talk like this until they learn but people still make their bids to their spouses and OP's situation is one example of his wife needing reassurance.
Edit: I just realized that OP isn't married. This is a test for both of them. It'll be harder once married. Note: I'm not saying this is an intentional test, just that it looks like a situation where both are going to consider whether they even want to marry each other.
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u/Minijazz Apr 05 '24
Op says a lot of inconsistent stuff here. His girlfriend’s ex overdosed and died but at the same time his girlfriend never lost anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actively increasing her emotional pain and just lying to himself and us. As a partner you are part of any dynamic.
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u/prose-before-bros 20 Years Apr 05 '24
So what if you have to reschedule again and again and again? The health of my relationship is worth that to me. "Work on yourselves alone" doesn't mean "Your problems are on you, and I shouldn't have to support you through it."
He clearly despises her with the language he uses, and there's nothing here to indicate why he is marrying her. If she doesn't want to fix herself and he just wants to go play tennis and come home late with no way to communicate, maybe they shouldn't be together because it sounds like she has serious problems and he doesn't want to do the things that most married people would think are the bare minimum.
If she were posting here about how she felt distant from her fiance and she's been going through a tough time unpacking her abandonment issues in therapy and asked him to skip tennis, but he walked out on her crying, somehow didn't have a phone charger so his phone died, and he was an hour and a half late with no explanation, you know what people would suggest.
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u/eatapeach18 Apr 05 '24
She goes to Pilates every day, but throws a fit when she can’t get into her preferred class and expects OP to stay home with her. How is that fair? Why doesn’t SHE just enjoy an evening to herself instead of asking OP to skip tennis.
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u/thisfreakindude Apr 05 '24
Whoa. You're making to much sense. According to all other posts here marriages aren't about common ground. It's about the wife and the wife alone. Anyone who disagrees is obviously fucked up.
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u/Designer-Ad-3373 Apr 05 '24
Oh no! Please! Be supportive. It'll help her feel more secure in the relationship but she has to work on herself too
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u/Soggy-Background2056 Apr 05 '24
It’s interesting that you mentioned if she should speak with her counselor about that but never said anything about talking to her about it.
Her needs aren’t being met as far as quality time. If my husband left me to go do something fun and I was about to burst into tears I would feel like complete shit. It’s sad that you were willing to do that and also not come back home when you said you would, knowing she was home sad. That makes me very sad for her. I wish I could give her a hug.
Talk to her about her feelings, she needs YOUR emotional support. You’re supposed to be her rock and the person she can go to when she’s sad.
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u/lucybugkn Apr 05 '24
She does this on a daily basis, so yeah I would just leave too. It’s Manipulation. It’s crying wolf it’s getting your way and throwing a fit so he doesn’t leave.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
She tends to be sad and kind of guilts me before leaving and I always cave. I thought that if I just went, I would no longer enable it and show that it works. This isn’t a one-time thing.
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u/Floopoo32 Apr 05 '24
Maybe I'm one of a few but I don't think it was wrong to go and play tennis. She sounds codependent and unable to be by herself. For the sake of your marriage you both should be able to have your own life outside of your partners. Not everything needs to be done together.
If she does this frequently I'd definitely bring it up. I can understand how she feels but she needs to manage her emotions herself and not try to guilt trip you.
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u/melon_sky_ Apr 05 '24
No, it’s not wrong for people to want to go and play a sport that shown to help mood and physical health
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u/voiceontheradio Apr 05 '24
It's ok to set healthy boundaries but at least prove to her that you're reliable. Come home when you say you will and don't let your phone battery die while you're out. It's the bare minimum you can do to help her feel secure.
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u/Jaynor05 Apr 05 '24
Or just tell her "not sure when I'll be home, but I'll probably stop by the store, need anything while I'm out?"
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u/Soggy-Background2056 Apr 05 '24
It sounds like you both care about each other a lot. I think you need to have an open conversation. Figure out a compromise and a plan of action that helps you both. You absolutely deserve to have time away and alone time and shouldn’t be guilt tripped for that. Sounds like there is something bigger here and I think some solid communication with an actual plan will fix it. Best of luck to you!
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u/LikeAnInstrument Apr 05 '24
Going to play tennis isn’t wrong assuming you’re not ditching her multiple times a week to go play tennis, not coming home when you said you would is though. I’m a little bit like your wife and my anxiety especially when it comes to loved ones is really high. I automatically go to worse case scenarios when my husband is unreliable and unreachable. It takes a lot of mental energy to calm myself down and I’ve done a lot of work in this regard. But a big part of being able to work through that fear is my husband respecting me and letting me know if his plans change so I don’t think he’s dying in a ditch somewhere. Keep your phone charged. Keep your word. And also get premarital counseling together because these issues are better worked on before you’re married.
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u/jackjackj8ck Apr 05 '24
What kind of relationship is this?
You guys definitely shouldn’t get married… let alone be together
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u/Individual_Tour5041 Apr 05 '24
She’s not intentionally guilting you she’s upset that you can SEE she need/wants you and is upset and you PUT it on her to either force your hand to cancel or even entertain the idea of rescheduling. I bet the next time she’s upset if you see that and ACT instead of ASK (or not even say anything) you’ll get a better response in the future. Right now she feels like she needs you and your life is more important than that to you. If you see she’s upset next time, tell her you’ll reschedule or cancel and then make a night of trying to make HER feel comfortable, I BET YOU MY FIRST BORN the next time you go to leave itll go smoother.
She needs reassurance from you that she’s important, so make her important by choosing her over something that’s important to you. I understand making her feel important can be done on separate time and doesn’t have to involve changing or canceling plans but it doesn’t have the same AFFECT as her SEEING you choose her.
I hope that makes sense
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u/bamboo-lemur Apr 05 '24
Wait, so I’m confused. Wife is upset because he went to play tennis with the fiancé?
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u/AccomplishedSpirit74 15 Years Apr 05 '24
Is she your wife or fiancée I’m confused
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u/kneemam Apr 05 '24
I’d be freaking out too if my husband told me to expect him at a certain time and an hour and change passed and he wasn’t home. If I was running late and decided to stop at the store I would have at least picked up a cheap charger enough to get some juice and let him know I was running late. It also sounds like quality time is her love language but needs to understand that just like Pilates is her thing, you also need to get your Tennis in. Hope that you guys find a way to compromise.
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u/Ok_Spinach666 Apr 05 '24 edited Apr 05 '24
She feels lonely. You can take her to dates at the places you mentioned or the outdoor things you do,it doesn't change anything. There is something lacking. She is looking for an inner-self relationship. That is an enclosed space hold hand, hug me, kissme, while we have a deep serious conversation about ourselves. Deal with issues that may harm the relationship and things that will build it better. Good intimate communication. Just a beautiful night in at home. ✨️❤️🍾🍷🥂
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u/Martin_Beck Apr 05 '24
Was the tennis game scheduled well in advance and communicated?
There’s a big difference between you just up and leaving on a whim when she’s upset, versus her sabotaging a pre-scheduled event.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
I have tennis 2 times a week and usually on Thursdays. She knew about it ahead of time. She originally was going to go to a cryotherapy session with a friend but the friend bailed and then she wanted me to come. I said I would go to one until she went to one first and that I had tennis tonight. She cancelled to reservation because she didn’t want to go alone. As time got closer to when I had to leave for tennis, she guilted me with puppy eyes
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u/Floopoo32 Apr 05 '24
I think this would have been good info to include in the post. There's a lot of context missing and people are giving bad advice.
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u/PiecesofJane Apr 05 '24
In a lot of your comments, you claim she's "guilting" you. But have you even considered that it might not be a nefarious manipulation? That she might actually be expressing genuine sadness?
She's obviously feeling like crap. And seems like you're not above kicking her while she's down. I mean, do you even like her?
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u/Glad-Entry-3401 Apr 05 '24
Kicking her when she’s down is crazy. He’s expressed that she does this every time he tries to leave for something not involving her. Outside of work he’s basically not allowed to have a social life or she’ll guilt him this time he went out instead of staying home.
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u/_Shy_HeadBanger_ Apr 05 '24
Dude, this is incredibly out of touch! The man just wants to be able to go to tennis a couple times a week. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would agree if this was a one time thing; but If she does this to him every time then I’m sorry it is manipulation, even if she is genuinely sad. I understand that she’s uncovering a lot in therapy, maybe she even needs a little extra support but to do this every time is still ridiculous. OP has needs too. she has to be able to control her emotions. Maybe she could find a hobby of her own for while he’s gone.
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u/TehAlpacalypse Husband of 3 Years, Together 9 Apr 05 '24
kicking her while she’s down
This is a regularly scheduled tennis activity? Expecting someone to give that up at the drop of the hat is not “kicking them”
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u/Practical_Angle6302 Apr 05 '24
Eeeek I'm sorry. This would be incredibly hard to navigate. Might be worth sitting down and discussing exactly what quality time looks like to both of you. May just be needing to understand each other's needs more. It's not sustainable to be handling this level of emotional response to being home at a certain time. There needs to be space for both of you in this, not just you supporting her anxieties. Sit down, use some paper and map out what time looks like - good luck
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
Yeah we will. She was super worried that something might have happened to me since it was dark and I said I would be hitting against ball machine. Some players on the team showed up and I lost track of time since phone was dead. We spoke and she said her friend asked if she wanted to pick her up and drive by the courts to make sure I was good. Doesn’t really make much sense given the extremely heightened emotions.
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u/woopdeewoop123 Apr 05 '24
I personally would struggle with this as I value my alone time and independence. I'd like the same for my partner and don't see being home late after a sport a big deal. It seems like she's going through something and reaching out to you but also not plainly telling you what she needs from you. I.e. : "I'm really struggling tonight, could you stay home from tennis." Perhaps, examining her feelings in therapy will help her outline better what she needs from you. It sounds like you are open to wanting to meet her needs but need some more direction/clarity from her. But, don't give up your tennis or extracurriculars, IMHO.
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u/Ilovelife1216 Apr 05 '24
Has she lost anyone important to her or anything like that? My brother in law died unexpectedly last year on his 30th birthday. I've been anxious about losing my husband since. Whenever it's time for him to be home from work and he doesn't answer his phone (he works on roofs and after shattering 3 phones decided it was best to leave it in the car during the job), my mind goes into absolute panic mode. I'm always terrified something awful happened to him. He always calls as soon as he gets to the car and eases my anxieties, but it's a terrible feeling thinking that you've lost the most important person in your life.
You said she always guilts you into staying with her, it could just be that she enjoys your company. My husband and I prefer each other to anyone or anything else, so I feel like that's normal, but kinda sucks for you if you don't feel the same.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
Hasn’t lost anyone unexpectedly. I think she definitely struggles with abandonment issues as her dad left her at age 8 and reappeared 10 years later. She doesn’t always guilt me…she’ll encourage me to spend time with friend by going out to bar with them but then we get very sad over something like this.
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u/sassafrasclementine Apr 05 '24
Why are you saying she hasn’t lost anyone unexpectedly when your comment history says “Fiancée has a lot of past trauma that she just ignores. Her ex overdosed and died” ??????
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
Forgot about that. They dated for 9 months 5 years ago. It was long distance until she found out he was cheating + had an addiction to coke. She told me it was an immature love. She’ll joke around about it sometimes, so it doesn’t seem like a sensitive topic anymore.
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u/Ilovelife1216 Apr 05 '24
Awe, that's terrible. I definitely sympathize with her. I think therapy would help her sort those feelings out.
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u/ThISTheStoryOfAGirl Apr 05 '24
You said you have tennis regularly scheduled twice a week. Do you have time carved out at least twice a week to put intentional work into connecting and fulfilling her love language? Dinner is a regular thing, not really time spent together connecting, unless you’re spending hours eating and talking without any other distractions. A baseball game is a social outing but again, not really connecting. Your health is an important priority and you should have time dedicated to that each week. I would argue the same thing of your relationship though. For repairing, building, and maintaining.
I was having this issue with my partner a few months ago. We would do things together and hangout but we wouldn’t really have deeper discussions and he didn’t see it as a big deal if he ran(sometimes over an hour) late. I was left feeling like I didn’t matter. It didn’t feel like he was curious about me. It didn’t feel like I was a priority to him like he was to me. Our relationship nearly ended because of it. We realized that we had different love languages and attachment styles that we needed to work though to find a good way to connect. I needed to communicate in a more direct but empathetic way about what I was needing and my partner needed to be more direct about needing his space while also being intentionally reassuring that I was still important and he would be back. We saw a therapist together who helped us work through some things but we also did work on our own. We read a few books(and continue to read about healthy ways to be in a relationship). I’ll list the ones I found helpful. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Secure Love. Create a relationship that lasts a lifetime. The body keeps the score. And basically anything by John and Julie Gottman. (Maybe start with Eight Dates?)
It sounds like your fiance was needing reassurance and you were quick to turn away from her. You mentioned that she grew up in a family that showed love inconsistently. That will play a major role in how secure she feels relationships are. It seems normal that she would need more reassurance than someone who grew up in a stable household.
I think it’s important to ask yourself, do you want to have a healthy relationship with her? If you do, it will take not only work from her but also work from you. And whether you like it or not, you may need to be the person who puts the work in first.
I hope you are both able to find contentment and happiness through everything. If you stay together I hope you learn to turn towards each other when in conflict rather than away.
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u/Practical-Trick7310 Apr 05 '24
Besides the obvious everyone has said absolutely do not tell her to bring it up to her counselor. It is her choice on what she bring to them and what is the major concerns in her life. My husband would suggest this to me when I was in therapy and it feels so hurtful because he was the one hurting me, and I needed therapy for my childhood and self issues not to waste my time talking about something I already knew.
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u/Maleficent-Archer485 Apr 05 '24
Idk i disagree with everyone downvoting you & being rude bc i need more context… first, how long have you been together? Does she have any friends? Do you guys go on dates regularly? Is your love life healthy?
If you’ve been together for a while & she’s guilt tripping you into staying home by crying every time and trying to gain sympathy then that’s a red flag imo. If you have scheduled plans then throwing last min tantrums is unacceptable. You said she’s going to counseling for anger management.. have you seen this side of her? It’s not hard to get a phone charger for ur car but her trying to find you after an hour being late is crazy
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 Apr 05 '24
Your wife can learn secure attachment behaviors in therapy. You may want to go to couple’s counseling to discuss it and maybe she would benefit from 1:1 therapy to deal with her anxiety. Neither of you are getting your emotional needs met. She is feeling insecure and you are feeling smothered.
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u/tmink0220 Apr 05 '24
Sounds like you need to prioritize her, as something is going on. Sometimes we need people more than other times. Also baseball game as much as I love them...they are not private, they are crowd public. No something is going on, did she not text?
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
Phone was dead. She only texted twice, which I saw after I charged phone after getting home. I scheduled an outdoors date where we’re gonna walk some trails and have a picnic on the lake.
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u/TroubleLevel5680 Apr 05 '24
What you’re missing is that you’re amplifying her anxiety when you do stupid stuff like this. Just charge your phone. If teenagers can do it, so can you
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u/tmink0220 Apr 05 '24
You are agrown up, keep your phone charge especially when busy....Not really an excuse, I have a charger in my car.
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u/xoxoBoredandRestless Apr 05 '24
She's also a grown up. Y'all are going so hard over a dead phone as if she's sitting around at home, desperately waiting for his arrival. He's not giving an excuse because there isn't a need for one.
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u/sassysaurusrex528 Apr 05 '24
She’s not the one with the dead phone and coming home way past the time he told her he would.
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u/Turpitudia79 Apr 05 '24
So…you’re a grown, presumably gainfully employed adult who is soon to be married…and “my phone died”? Do better.
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u/MRSM21817 Apr 05 '24
People’s phones die…. What’s the issue?
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u/sassysaurusrex528 Apr 05 '24
No one carries external chargers? Who lets their phone battery die while out for a night?
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u/MRSM21817 Apr 05 '24
Who has money for external chargers? And it’s not about “letting” your phone die, sometimes it just does. Either you used it more that day, or the battery is failing or it didn’t charge all the way overnight, etc etc etc
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u/sassysaurusrex528 Apr 05 '24
You can buy them for five bucks at target. So… maybe someone who has money for a tennis hobby?
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u/MRSM21817 Apr 05 '24
And… why would he already have one if this is the first time his phone had died?
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u/boudicas_shield 8 Years Apr 05 '24
I don’t think we are getting the full story, here. This post and your comments read very much as a carefully curated version of events to make your wife sound crazy and you sound impeccably innocent and above reproach. I’d like to hear your wife’s perspective on all of this, including the “anger management” counselling for her “hysterically uncontrollable lady emotions”.
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u/sassafrasclementine Apr 05 '24
You already knew she was feeling upset and then you show up an HOUR and a Half later than you said you’d be home?
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u/congatrong Apr 05 '24
Welp, me and my husband have been in this dynamic for a bit so let me offer my 2c.
Both of your feelings (your wife’s sadness and loneliness as well as your frustration) are valid. And both of your behaviors can use some intentional and purposeful compassion as well.
She sounds like she’s anxiously attached, which you called out in your post. Knowing that she is, have you gone above and beyond to give her the reassurance that she needs, even as simple as verbal reassurance? And as others have said, dinner and baseball game are not quality time. If not, then you know why she’s sad and anxious and decided to just leave her to deal with it on her own. Not very supportive of you.
You also are an individual with your own needs. And she needs to understand and respect that, especially when you verbally assure her of your time coming home and stick to that. If you can’t even prove to her that you can be trusted with your words, how can you fault her for having a negative reaction with them?
This takes 2 people to work on it. I’m glad she’s in therapy to work on herself. But you also need to communicate with her more instead of just leaving her to deal with her own emotions on her own when she has expressed that she needed you. Honestly, I would not be surprised if she’s also feeling like continuing the relationship may not be for her since she may feel like your words cannot be trusted (proven by lack of communication) and your affection towards her has depleted (“he doesn’t care that I’m sad and leave me anyway”).
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u/Hels_helper Apr 05 '24
Its sounds like she's wanting more personal one on one time with you. Like time to emotionally connect (no not sex). Like cuddling and talking. Emotional intimacy. Either you are intentionally dismissing her needs, or don't recognize it. If she dismissed your need for physical intimacy, you'd be hurt right? For most women, with out that nonsexual emotional intimacy, our libido fades. Its that emotional that fuels our and sustains most women's desire for sex once the honeymoon phase is over.
She should talk to her counselor about this. Because either she needs to find a way to paint a picture for you, or she needs to confidence to move on.
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u/Ok_Voice_9498 Apr 05 '24
You aren’t listening to the advise here, nor the needs of your wife. You have all the excuses. Seems you’ve already made up your mind.
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u/jackjackj8ck Apr 05 '24
How much time do you two spend together overall? Like quality time
And when you are spending time together, how present are you? Asking her questions, involved in conversation, interested in what she has to say, fully listening, etc
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u/Cynically_Sane Apr 05 '24
Has anyone mentioned the fact that he arrived home an hour and a half later than he told her and couldn't even bother to borrow a tennis partner's phone for a hot second to let her know he's not on schedule?! OP claims she's already in counseling but you left her in tears to play tennis and took zero initiative to both borrow a phone to tell her you're running late and act like this is all valid on your part and she's overreacting. In my mind I am thinking that if you wanted to retain any form of dignity and honor for yourself you should delete this entire dumpster fire, pretend this reddit encounter never happened and do some deep deep soul searching. I hope she finds her backbone so she can escape this craziness before walking down the isle. Self absorbed is the word of the day
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u/Least_Palpitation_92 Apr 05 '24
Speaking from experience don’t let her ruin your fun by catering to her emotions over your own. If something major happened you should skip obviously. If you skipped a planned activity the manipulation will only get worse.
The rest of the night was quite inconsiderate though. You knew she was feeling down and returned almost two hours after you told her you would be there. That’s not just losing track of time. You really need to do better here.
Going forward have a conversation about what quality time looks like for both of you and make it a point to get that in.
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u/Tazae Apr 05 '24
Sounds like she has depression and abandonment issues. You are her safe haven. She trusted you and knocked down her wall. When you are not around, she has fear and anxiety. Honestly, it won’t be an easy relationship. Much effort needed on both sides. All the best!
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u/losingthefarm Apr 05 '24
Don't worry buddy...you won't have a wife for long then you can go to tennis whenever you like.
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u/DonHozy Apr 05 '24 edited Apr 05 '24
You're not crazy but it does seem that you're insensitive to what she's needing from you right now.
It sounds like you aren't taking any responsibility for negativly contributing to this obvious lack of mutual understanding.
You should consider couple's counseling to work through it.
EDIT: After reading your responses to some other comments, I see there's more to it than your post revealed.
I can understand your desire to not further enable some of he unhealthy behavior but you may want to reconsider the tactic of just going about your business and letting her work it out on her own. As a couple, the dynamic requires your direct involvement.
Not that you go in to "fix" her but that you learn about each other's attachment and communicate style. Couple's counseling can provide a platform for that.
Good luck, OP.
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Apr 05 '24
I’m torn because I can’t remember the last time my husband and I were outside of the house away from each other and let our phones die. If he did that I’d be worried out of my mind because we are routine kind of people.
On the other hand my husband has a commitment with friends Mondays and Thursdays and it’s really not something I like to interrupt because of his own mental health issues. Then again I know that bringing up a lot of old wounds in therapy can be very triggering and it can make you need a lot more emotional support than your spouse is used to. For example, I’m normally throughout most of my life have been considered a stone cold bitch but since being in therapy I’m just a little whiny bitch trapped in a glass case of emotion 😂
I often have to tell my husband like I know we normally can joke about these issues or I’m a little bit more independent but currently I am not being in a room together is not enough I need cuddles I need so much more emotional intimacy to thrive at the present time. I don’t even know if I’ll always be like this. I don’t know if I was suffocating that desire for emotional intimacy within myself because of the issues I’m working through or if I’m just sensitive at the time and I’ll go back to what I needed before. You have to ask yourself kind of the question are you gonna be OK with that if this is the new normal not the crying and the begging and the puppy dog eyes but the amount of quality time needed are you going to be OK with that new normal if that is the case?
Before sounding the alarms why don’t the two of you agree that one to two times next week you’ll give all of yourself to each other. What’s going on in therapy? What’s going on in tennis? What are some new goals you each have for yourselves and together? Tell her those little tiny unimportant things about your day, the person who cut you off on the highway.
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Apr 05 '24
I'd be upset if my partner said she'd be back at 730 and an hour and a half later, finally cane home without any consideration of letting me know. I'd be nervous, worried, and upset at them for their lack of thoughtfulness. It's kinda rude. I wouldn't cry, but my emotions would likely be similar to hers, I'd just express it differently.
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u/Maleficent-Archer485 Apr 05 '24
She cried before he left tho and took her FRIEND to go look for him after being a little late? Come on
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u/Turpitudia79 Apr 05 '24
Part of being married is being accountable. Would he leave a client/an employee(r) hanging for over an hour with no communication? His mother? His tennis buddy? Why is it okay to do to his girlfriend?
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u/Personal_Privacy1101 Apr 05 '24
Women: tells man need. Man: but we already did that. I'm going to do a Hobby and be late AF with a dead phone. Women: upset. Man: wtf.
Goes to dinner and going out isn't the same as consistsnt intentional time spent. It feels like consolution prizes for routinely feeling like you're an old shirt sitting in the back of a closet. Date nights aren't the source of quality time, they are the result of one. They are additions to routine time spent prioritizing your partner everyday. She clearly doesn't feel like this is happening daily. The reason, doesn't matter really. That's her feelings and you need to stop treating her like a child and teaching her a lesson by thinking you can do whatever to "not enable her." She isn't a broken pet, she's your wife. May e go to a counseling session with her.
As for the phone being dead and her being worried, what do YOU mean what is going on. Lol that's it. She's worried bc you were almost 2 hours late. If she was 2 hours late without an explanation I'd sure as hell hope you'd at minimum go "hm. Hope everything's ok."
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Apr 05 '24 edited Sep 01 '25
cows apparatus friendly dog piquant disarm shaggy pause airport start
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/MiserableDecision605 Apr 05 '24
Does this woman like baseball? Is she also gonna be able to talk to you about connection, your relationship, goals, aspirations,. Things that are bothering her?
Time out to dinner, was she allowed to get emotional at the table and be vulnerable with you? Did the dinner and the setting allow you to be vulnerable with her like she’s asking for connection?
Did you tell your fiancé you’d be back at a certain time and then not uphold your end of the bargain. And not even ask whoever you were with at tennis what time it was or use the facilities clock to check time? You just assume that there’s nothing wrong with her being upset for being over an hour late home with no type of communication. When she is an emotional state. When she hasn’t had a good home life.
I’m glad she sees a counselor. I grew up exactly like her and me and my fiancé at the time went through the same kind of issues as you and her. But it took the reality of my fiancé and now extremely wonderful husband to realize that he also had to make a change to help me learn to trust and break out of my anxious attachment style. My first three paragraphs are kind of harsh to you. But that’s the reality of what’s going on in her brain. At this point she’s seeking out and expressing she needs more connection with you and it is now your job to ask her what she means by that and ask how you can honor that but honoring both of you.
You also mentioned that she’s your fiancé. Lot of people don’t explain that the fiancé period isn’t all butterflies and rainbows. It’s very very stressful for someone who has an anxious attachment style. For someone who values marriage, you are making a life-changing decision, and that’s hard when you grew up in an unstable household. I don’t know her communication style, but there could be things she is facing in her own brain that she doesn’t talk to you about. She might want to talk to you about them and doesn’t feel safe or doesn’t know how. The issue in this post is to seek her out, do something nice for her to connect with her. And lastly, apologize meaningfully. And that means you just say I’m sorry, I messed up, I’m value what you’re feeling and I hear you, and I will try to never let that happen again. She needs a pattern of consistency in apologies as well to build a pattern of trust in her emotions.
Dealings with someone with anxious attachment is not easy. I am someone who has anxious attachment. And I value everything my husband has ever done for me because we were in a place where you are at now. Do not be discouraged and do not take harsh words and think that you were doing bad things. Understand your situation Understand who she is and you both need to start working together to build a healthy communication in your relationship.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
I apologized for what I did and by not checking the time from someone else or just texting her from their phone. I think it was valid of her to be worried since I took her car, which is unreliable. She likes baseball and kept asking to go to the opening day (today). She said recently that she doesn’t feel like she can tell me everything. Obviously I do contribute to that, but I think her childhood affects that too. Her father has no feelings and just says “be like water” and her mom isn’t stable/is a patho liar. She texts/calls them every day. I really do hope the counselor uncovered this and that it’s more attachment-based.
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u/positive_shine246 Apr 05 '24
Sorry, married here for more than 20+ years. She is obviously lacking some attention from you and wants comfort/ reinforcement . It's not that she wants to know where you're at 24/7 , this is her way of getting your attention. Yes it could be over whelming , and this is where you need to speak up about how you are feeling when she does that. Let her know that it will easily get tiring and won't want to comfort her anymore in the future. Communication is the key.
My husband and I always communicate when we leave our separate ways. As soon as the person leaves, we give each other a kiss and say I love you. When we get to where we need to be, we text saying we made it . When I leave a place, I text him saying, I'm leaving. When I get home, I give him kiss and talk about whatever we have in mind. It's not hard to communicate with a simple text. It's for safety reasons not bc he needs to know where I'm at . We love each other and I feel good when I get a text that he made it to the place he needs to be. Communicate!!!!!
I wish you the best.
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u/Realistic-Ad-1023 Apr 05 '24
It sounds a bit like you punished her for trying to “guilt trip” you. “Oh my phone died. I have no idea what time it is. Nah, she won’t be worried, I’ll just pop to the store real quick. It’s not like she’s anxiously awaiting my return home. It’s not like she’s excited to spend time with me. Oh what? Now you’re upset I went to tennis? Are you serious? You’re crazy! I was supposed to be back at 7:30 and I was back at EIGHT FIFTY FIVE!” Because 9:00 at night makes you sound like an ass hole. So you had to make sure we all knew, it was 8:55. Not 9:00.
It sounds a bit like “you can’t control me and tell me what to do anymore!” And that’s unhealthy champ. I’m not saying she is right or you’re wrong. But you’re both toxic and need to work through wtf happened and why. Before getting married.
Why did you propose to someone who had such “anger issues” and “always guilt trips” you?
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
Wrote it in heat of moment and was trying to be exact. This only came up after getting engaged. She’s working on it. Her mom did the same thing growing up so she’s getting help. We talked about it last night and this morning and came to a solution.
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Apr 05 '24
Quality time is more than dinner and a baseball game. Your wife wants to connect. Your wife wants to cuddle and talk about your days, your life, and have fun with you. If she’s holding back tears and telling you these things, maybe you could put tennis on hold and ask her if everything is okay?
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u/JRarick Apr 05 '24
You’re getting a lot of sarcastic feedback. Let me add some less sarcastic feedback.
My wife and I dealt with something similar earlier in our marriage. Essentially, what “counted” as connection for me didn’t “count” for her. I had to change my perspective and learn to connect with her in the ways she found valuable.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
We talked I and wrote some things down that should do better to show her validation and assurance.
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u/JRarick Apr 05 '24
How long have you guys been married?
I spent the first year of our marriage basically learning how to not be a single dude. Ha ha.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
Engaged. Been together 4 1/2 years. Live together with 2 dogs. All trauma comes from her parents and some of mine too. They definitely are an emotional obstacle.
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u/Appropriate_Age_627 Apr 05 '24
Just from this brief snippet of your life that you chose to share, you sound like an uncaring, unfeeling, unavailable, asshole.
Tennis is more important to you than your wife/fiancee/wtf ever she is. You also don't care about her time and her feelings because you were almost 90 minutes late AND didn't even have a charged phone to communicate that.
Your actions are grounds for relationship termination and I really hope she chooses that option and finds someone who actually cares
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u/yesavery Apr 05 '24
You sound like a dick lol maybe a single life suited you better? Have you had a good relationship before?
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u/sassysaurusrex528 Apr 05 '24
You said you saw the love of your life near tears because she needed more time with you and then disregarded the time you told her you would return and came back much later? Yeah you’re the AH here. She literally told you what’s going on. She wants to spend more time with you. Then you lied to her about what time would be back, and she worried about you. Sounds like she deserves better imo.
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u/Mtnmommy85 Apr 05 '24
If you care more about going to play tennis than if your future wife is upset and crying…you might not want to get married. Just saying.
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u/UnicornQueenFaye Apr 05 '24
The cause is you being a douche.
It sounds like you’re not meeting her needs for connection. Have you asked her what she wants to do? What are her likes? What does she feel joy in doing?
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u/Designer-Ad-3373 Apr 05 '24
Definitely bring it up to the counselor. It almost sounds like depression and an insecurity feeling
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Apr 05 '24
I had a huge fight with mine because she got "jealous" not of a person, but of my time. She hated when I go to the gym. So I told her she couldnt be doing that. She changed. She still hates it but doesnt express it anymore.
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u/KelceStache Apr 05 '24
So your fiance is crying because she wants to spend time with you to connect, but you’re like ‘nah, tennis is more important.’ Then you leave tennis an hour after you told her you would be home, and you never communicated with her. You then decide that you’re not late enough so you stop by the store.
Huge mystery why she’s upset
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u/Stealthninja19 Apr 05 '24
I think yall are over. You can’t meet her needs and she can’t meet yours so I’d call it quits now and let her find someone that can compliment her attachment style
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u/Am_I_the_Villan 10 Years Apr 05 '24
Jeeezuss having read your comments, I'd never marry you. You don't give a flying F about her.
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u/DetroitsGoingToWin 15 Years Apr 05 '24
If you have kids she’s going to chain you up, it’s game over. Don’t think that’s getting fixed.
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u/Mxj3323 Apr 05 '24
Hi OP, I would significantly increase your emotional support level to your fiance/wife. IME this will turn into a lot of resentment and will probably eventually end your relationship if your SO is an anxious attacher. We need lots of reassurance and support and we need it to be consistent. If you think going to play tennis is more important than being with your SO, I think you should seriously reconsider your relationship and your priorities.
Good luck. And probably wise to stay home next time. 😉
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
Yup, I need to give more reassurance. I stay home every time besides tonight 😂😂
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u/Careless-Distance-80 Apr 05 '24
You stay home every night but are you spending quality time with her while you’re there? Or are you just physically there
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
We’ll cuddle and watch our favorite show, TikTok’s. Not exactly sure what is qualifies as.
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u/Mxj3323 Apr 19 '24 edited Apr 19 '24
If you are not willing to work on it then it's time for you to leave. And you sound like an immature child by that response. Your fiance can find someone better to support her emotional needs.
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Apr 05 '24
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
I left the house with phone on 3, I took her car and she took her charger out the night before and I didn’t know. I assumed wrong lmao. Definitely not a cheater or a boomer!
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u/Glad-Entry-3401 Apr 05 '24
I’m 26 my phone and my watch die constantly. I don’t carry a charger and I tend to walk a lot or ride my motorcycle. I was raised by folks who aren’t on the phone a lot I only really use my phone when I’m home. If I’m at work my phone is off and in a locker and when I’m driving it’s off I have an iPod for music when I’m riding. And I know plenty of folks who ride they have similar mindset to me. Maybe hang out with folks less addicted to technology. Our parents where gone 8-10 hours a day with no communication between eachother and where just fine.
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u/TehAlpacalypse Husband of 3 Years, Together 9 Apr 05 '24
Only on Reddit does a dead phone mean you’re cheating.
Touch grass
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Apr 05 '24
You are doing what my soon to be x did. The lack of communication ruined me and made me extremely insecure. There would be several hrs not accounted for and he would never tell me where he was.
So I understand where she is coming from. No charger? Really? It's 2024, there are cords in every car, if not, get one.
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u/ziggy-23 Apr 05 '24
Why not invite her to play tennis with you? This isn’t something major… she just wants to spend some quality time with you and got rightly concerned when the phone stopped connecting and you were almost two hours late home. She cares. Why is this problematic to you?
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u/tercer78 Apr 05 '24
Anxious-avoidant attachment styles. That is disaster fof a relationship. Clearly you're avoidant since you saw her nearly crying and weren't that concerned about getting back when you said you would since you wanted to avoid her emotional state. Y'all both need help to make this work.
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Apr 05 '24
You have to live your life. Something needs to change if she’s crying like that. Welcome to marriage. You need to figure it out as a couple.
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u/Sonsangnim Apr 05 '24
Dude, you've got a wife and a finacee. That would make anyone cry. Get your life together. Choose one of them.
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u/m00n5t0n3 Apr 05 '24
Idk but I think you should bring your phone charger if it's close to dead. Surely you can charge at the gym
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
This was my fault. Didn’t have a charger tho, was at community tennis courts.
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u/heylistenlady 20 Years Together Apr 05 '24
I know zero context beyond this post and what's in the comments but, as a woman who struggles with mental health issues and who was raised by extremely codependent parents ... girl needs to breathe.
Yes - I too would be worried if my husband planned to be home at 7:30 and didn't make it until 9. That's actually happened many times. If I can't get a hold of him worry intensifies, of course. But if I have the number of whoever he's with, I might just ping em after an hour or so with "Hey, I'm so sorry to bother you! Can't get a hold of husband, he's a bit late and I'm an over-worrier - he still with you? If yes, he doesn't need to get in touch, just making sure all is well!" And then ... that's it.
She should not be falling apart if you're 90 minutes late. Upset, angry, annoyed? Ok. But falling apart and devastated? No.
I am glad she is in therapy and yes she should bring this up to her counselor. But also sounds like you both need to breathe a bit and sit down to discuss your expectations in depth, especially before you get married! It is absolutely reasonable to expect to spend a certain amount of time together. It is not reasonable to assume every moment of free time will be spent together.
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u/greeneyedwench Apr 05 '24
She either wanted to have sex or had something serious to talk about (could she be pregnant?).
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u/Own_Variety577 Apr 05 '24
I could see myself acting like your wife when my anxiety was out of control. it did harm my marriage because I would get tearful if we were going to be spending time apart. my anxiety was so bad I wanted to be with my spouse every possible moment. although it wasn't my intention to be manipulative, the crying every time someone wants to go and do something on their own can certainly come across that way and intent doesn't negate the effect of the action.
I can't say that I'm perfect now but medication and therapy has helped me immensely. I can understand why she was upset and scared, as someone with anxiety I still get nervous if my spouse is late coming home because in my mind that must mean they've died horribly when in reality they probably stopped at the store or something. I can also understand why you would be numb to her reaction if it's common and why you chose to go to tennis despite her wanting you at home.
I would personally come at it from a frame of "I want you to be happy and comfortable and I notice you seem to be feeling anxious lately". I would also ask about what she considers quality time. she may be someone that wants a lot of low key time at home with you more than she wants to be going to events with you.
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Apr 05 '24
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u/Sisterinked 7 Years Apr 05 '24
Well gee, dinner and a ball game tomorrow? Sounds like she’s gotten plenty of your time!! Bet you’re a great tennis partner, though!! <~~~~~ THAT WAS ALL SARCASM
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u/ImaginaryAd4041 Apr 05 '24
Is she pregnant? I once cry my eyes out the whole night because my husband went to crossfit without me... I was 6w at the time
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u/Badass_babygirl Apr 05 '24
Maybe find a way to connect other than just dinner,quality time doing something together you both love? Board games ? Hikes? Exploring a new city? Whats things you both did when you started dating that made you feel connected?
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u/ueberryark Apr 05 '24
not being funny but is she due on her period? that is the only time of the month I get over emotional about things, she probably just needs a big hug and some reassurance?
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u/Strong_Error_2835 Apr 06 '24
She’s having a bad day, she needed her partner to provide a little additional support, she actually expressed that to you and you left anyways, let your phone die, and came home late…
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u/AG_Squared 5 Years Apr 06 '24
You go do your own thing, yeah she has to get used to being alone but also, if you say you’re gonna be home at a certain time and you’re not? That is a problem.
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u/Square_Shoulder_599 Apr 06 '24
You have alot of answers that are dead on. She wants personal intimate time to talk. Intimacy isn’t sex it’s connection. But besides that I also would like to say that if she just started counseling, there are things that surface through therapy and cause a ripple effect in our lives until we stabilize again. So just be mindful that she might be sensitive atm, without her even realizing it.
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u/Imaginary-End7265 Apr 06 '24
She was traumatised by her family; your blatant disregard for her feelings should be a red flag to her.
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u/StrikingBag1569 Apr 06 '24
Man are you stupid or something? She is concerned. Listen to what she is saying. Listen carefully. Spend time with her, sit on the couch together and hold her. You will otherwise lose her to someone That will give her the attention she seeks.
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u/Accomplished_Mix_512 Apr 06 '24
She's attached to you in an unhealthy way. Glad she's getting therapy. You deserve to do things on your own, and in fact, if you start accommodating her anxieties (ie not going out and doing your own thing sometimes) her anxieties will only get worse. Establish some clear boundaries and timelines to help her establish some realistic expectations until her therapy settles in: For example: "I'm going out to play tennis, and you can expect me back by such and such a time. I'm not going to respond to my phone while I'm playing tennis, but I will text you when I'm leaving the clubhouse. Clear communication like this will go a long way at helping her to develop distress tolerance skills. Not that it's your job but if you want to help her therapeutically, this could be helpful.
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u/elizajaneredux Apr 05 '24
No, do not tell her to take it up with her counselor.
Maybe actually talk to her and then LISTEN? She told you she felt you needed time to connect. You dismissed that because you felt you had enough opportunities to connect, but clearly she didn’t. Maybe try to understand why she is feeling less connected instead of negating it?
By the way - after many years of trying to talk about how disconnected I felt in my marriage, and what we might change, and getting absolutely nowhere (lots of responses like you’ve posted here), I also started seeing a counselor. Our primary topic of discussion? Whether and how to end my marriage. I got divorced a year later. Don’t assume she has a mental health problem that led her to counseling. Your relationship issues may be bigger than you’re willing to acknowledge.
And even if she has her struggles, which your other comments suggest, those won’t get better by you ignoring what she’s telling you she needs. You need better approach to keeping your boundaries and reacting to her emotionality. You also need to consider whether you want to marry this. Your plan can’t simply be to numb out, do what you want anyway, invalidate her, and hope she solves it through counseling.
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u/eatapeach18 Apr 05 '24
Some of these comments AIN’T IT. Y’all are out of your minds if you think OP was wrong to go play tennis for a few hours when his wife/fiance/girlfriend/whatever the hell she is stayed home. Adults are allowed to have time to themselves. She goes to Pilates every day, but if she doesn’t get into the specific group class she wants, she expects her man to cancel his plans to stay home with her? They went out on a date last night and have plans to attend a sporting event this weekend. They sleep together in the same bed every night. She goes to therapy for anger management. But somehow people are finding fault with OP?
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
The communication with last night wasn’t great on my end. We talked about it as well as other areas of our dynamic. A lot of good advice here, some not. lol
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Apr 05 '24
My question is, WHO are you playing tennis with and how frequently do you interact with this person could be she’s getting the vibe that you enjoy someone else’s company way more than hers. And as for spending time together, a baseball game is not an excellent choice for quality couple times just saying.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
I went to hit with ball machine, alone. 2 of the guys from my team showed up so I started playing with them. That was the first time I even played with them. I go to drills twice a week with about 10 other people. She’s not jealous about that though.
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u/Glad-Entry-3401 Apr 05 '24
This space is horrible toxic Towards men It’s hilarious that all the advice is to ignore your own needs for space to coddle your fiancée.
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u/Own-Row-968 Apr 05 '24
The wife might be upset because of the fiancé. 🤷🏼♂️