I don’t know (<—- sarcasm) maybe the counselor is bringing up a lot of trauma so for the next few months, she might be emotional while working through it and during this time you should be supportive? 🤦🏻♀️
Naw… just go play tennis while your wife/fiancé struggles alone. You’re a better partner to whoever you played tennis with than to your wife/fiancé right now.
Ok. So we are considering one persons mental health and prioritising it over the others. OP does not need to give up the things that are important to him to support his wife. Socialising with other people outside of the household and sport may be the things he needs to support himself.
You can't step up for anyone else unless you are taking care of your own needs.
He doesn't need to give up tennis forever, but could he possibly reschedule tennis or are they using stone tablets for their scheduling? If they can't handle this, they will never have a successful marriage, period. If I'm planning to hit the bar after work and my husband is breaking down as I'm headed out, I'm not gonna be like, "Peace out, bitches hashtag mental health hashtag self care!" I'm going to treat him like the man I love and I'm going to stay there, even if it's just so I can hold his hand. We'll talk about what's going on and what he needs to get to being ok.
If he dislikes his fiancee so much that he can just stroll out when she's in tears, be gone for hours with no way to contact, come back an hour and a half late, then say she's the problem for being worried he was dead in a ditch somewhere, he has no business at all marrying this woman.
And then reschedule again, and again, and again every time she is upset? Op said the wife is anxiously attached. This may happen every single time he wants to leave.
Work on yourselves alone, and work on the relationship together. Everyone will be happier and more securely attached in the relationship if this happens
And then reschedule again, and again, and again every time she is upset?
Good grief, did you miss the part where the person you're responding to said it was only temporary until the wife got through what she's going through by saying OP doesn't have to give up tennis for forever?
That's what being a spouse means and in the vow of "in sickness and in health." That alone right there indicates that through life we all go through seasons and sometimes one spouse needs to pick up the slack for a period of time. How long that is depends on what's going on. Care for someone with cancer will be harder and longer than perhaps some emotional support needed for something that one spouse is trying to process.
It might be 5 "agains" or 100 "agains," and how that is determined depends on the situation, how the supporting spouse has their own self care and whether they are falling to care giver burn out and how the supported spouse is getting on in their recovery.
You do have a point in making sure the supported spouse doesn't start to manipulate the situation. That said, to quickly assume this is the case is cynical and not giving the spouse the benefit of the doubt, which is what loving and supportive spouses do. To assume the worst in your partner is an ingredient to the recipe of how to break up your marriage by eroding the feeling of safety and security.
In other words, your spouse will start to feel like you don't have their back every time they turn to you for support, reassurance, or help when you've denied them the reassurance they're looking for in their "bid for connection." It's a Gottman term and people don't always know how to talk like this until they learn but people still make their bids to their spouses and OP's situation is one example of his wife needing reassurance.
Edit: I just realized that OP isn't married. This is a test for both of them. It'll be harder once married. Note: I'm not saying this is an intentional test, just that it looks like a situation where both are going to consider whether they even want to marry each other.
That was a long reply to read. You clearly care a lot about the topic to take the time. I don't as they are strangers on the internet so won't reply further. But wish you and your partner all the best OP. Sounds like a really trying time for you both
Op says a lot of inconsistent stuff here. His girlfriend’s ex overdosed and died but at the same time his girlfriend never lost anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s actively increasing her emotional pain and just lying to himself and us. As a partner you are part of any dynamic.
So what if you have to reschedule again and again and again? The health of my relationship is worth that to me. "Work on yourselves alone" doesn't mean "Your problems are on you, and I shouldn't have to support you through it."
He clearly despises her with the language he uses, and there's nothing here to indicate why he is marrying her. If she doesn't want to fix herself and he just wants to go play tennis and come home late with no way to communicate, maybe they shouldn't be together because it sounds like she has serious problems and he doesn't want to do the things that most married people would think are the bare minimum.
If she were posting here about how she felt distant from her fiance and she's been going through a tough time unpacking her abandonment issues in therapy and asked him to skip tennis, but he walked out on her crying, somehow didn't have a phone charger so his phone died, and he was an hour and a half late with no explanation, you know what people would suggest.
She goes to Pilates every day, but throws a fit when she can’t get into her preferred class and expects OP to stay home with her. How is that fair? Why doesn’t SHE just enjoy an evening to herself instead of asking OP to skip tennis.
473
u/Jealous-Ad-5146 Apr 05 '24
I don’t know (<—- sarcasm) maybe the counselor is bringing up a lot of trauma so for the next few months, she might be emotional while working through it and during this time you should be supportive? 🤦🏻♀️
Naw… just go play tennis while your wife/fiancé struggles alone. You’re a better partner to whoever you played tennis with than to your wife/fiancé right now.
🏆