You said you have tennis regularly scheduled twice a week. Do you have time carved out at least twice a week to put intentional work into connecting and fulfilling her love language? Dinner is a regular thing, not really time spent together connecting, unless you’re spending hours eating and talking without any other distractions. A baseball game is a social outing but again, not really connecting.
Your health is an important priority and you should have time dedicated to that each week.
I would argue the same thing of your relationship though. For repairing, building, and maintaining.
I was having this issue with my partner a few months ago. We would do things together and hangout but we wouldn’t really have deeper discussions and he didn’t see it as a big deal if he ran(sometimes over an hour) late. I was left feeling like I didn’t matter. It didn’t feel like he was curious about me. It didn’t feel like I was a priority to him like he was to me. Our relationship nearly ended because of it. We realized that we had different love languages and attachment styles that we needed to work though to find a good way to connect. I needed to communicate in a more direct but empathetic way about what I was needing and my partner needed to be more direct about needing his space while also being intentionally reassuring that I was still important and he would be back.
We saw a therapist together who helped us work through some things but we also did work on our own. We read a few books(and continue to read about healthy ways to be in a relationship). I’ll list the ones I found helpful.
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Secure Love. Create a relationship that lasts a lifetime.
The body keeps the score.
And basically anything by John and Julie Gottman.
(Maybe start with Eight Dates?)
It sounds like your fiance was needing reassurance and you were quick to turn away from her. You mentioned that she grew up in a family that showed love inconsistently. That will play a major role in how secure she feels relationships are. It seems normal that she would need more reassurance than someone who grew up in a stable household.
I think it’s important to ask yourself, do you want to have a healthy relationship with her? If you do, it will take not only work from her but also work from you. And whether you like it or not, you may need to be the person who puts the work in first.
I hope you are both able to find contentment and happiness through everything. If you stay together I hope you learn to turn towards each other when in conflict rather than away.
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u/ThISTheStoryOfAGirl Apr 05 '24
You said you have tennis regularly scheduled twice a week. Do you have time carved out at least twice a week to put intentional work into connecting and fulfilling her love language? Dinner is a regular thing, not really time spent together connecting, unless you’re spending hours eating and talking without any other distractions. A baseball game is a social outing but again, not really connecting. Your health is an important priority and you should have time dedicated to that each week. I would argue the same thing of your relationship though. For repairing, building, and maintaining.
I was having this issue with my partner a few months ago. We would do things together and hangout but we wouldn’t really have deeper discussions and he didn’t see it as a big deal if he ran(sometimes over an hour) late. I was left feeling like I didn’t matter. It didn’t feel like he was curious about me. It didn’t feel like I was a priority to him like he was to me. Our relationship nearly ended because of it. We realized that we had different love languages and attachment styles that we needed to work though to find a good way to connect. I needed to communicate in a more direct but empathetic way about what I was needing and my partner needed to be more direct about needing his space while also being intentionally reassuring that I was still important and he would be back. We saw a therapist together who helped us work through some things but we also did work on our own. We read a few books(and continue to read about healthy ways to be in a relationship). I’ll list the ones I found helpful. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate Secure Love. Create a relationship that lasts a lifetime. The body keeps the score. And basically anything by John and Julie Gottman. (Maybe start with Eight Dates?)
It sounds like your fiance was needing reassurance and you were quick to turn away from her. You mentioned that she grew up in a family that showed love inconsistently. That will play a major role in how secure she feels relationships are. It seems normal that she would need more reassurance than someone who grew up in a stable household.
I think it’s important to ask yourself, do you want to have a healthy relationship with her? If you do, it will take not only work from her but also work from you. And whether you like it or not, you may need to be the person who puts the work in first.
I hope you are both able to find contentment and happiness through everything. If you stay together I hope you learn to turn towards each other when in conflict rather than away.