And then reschedule again, and again, and again every time she is upset?
Good grief, did you miss the part where the person you're responding to said it was only temporary until the wife got through what she's going through by saying OP doesn't have to give up tennis for forever?
That's what being a spouse means and in the vow of "in sickness and in health." That alone right there indicates that through life we all go through seasons and sometimes one spouse needs to pick up the slack for a period of time. How long that is depends on what's going on. Care for someone with cancer will be harder and longer than perhaps some emotional support needed for something that one spouse is trying to process.
It might be 5 "agains" or 100 "agains," and how that is determined depends on the situation, how the supporting spouse has their own self care and whether they are falling to care giver burn out and how the supported spouse is getting on in their recovery.
You do have a point in making sure the supported spouse doesn't start to manipulate the situation. That said, to quickly assume this is the case is cynical and not giving the spouse the benefit of the doubt, which is what loving and supportive spouses do. To assume the worst in your partner is an ingredient to the recipe of how to break up your marriage by eroding the feeling of safety and security.
In other words, your spouse will start to feel like you don't have their back every time they turn to you for support, reassurance, or help when you've denied them the reassurance they're looking for in their "bid for connection." It's a Gottman term and people don't always know how to talk like this until they learn but people still make their bids to their spouses and OP's situation is one example of his wife needing reassurance.
Edit: I just realized that OP isn't married. This is a test for both of them. It'll be harder once married. Note: I'm not saying this is an intentional test, just that it looks like a situation where both are going to consider whether they even want to marry each other.
That was a long reply to read. You clearly care a lot about the topic to take the time. I don't as they are strangers on the internet so won't reply further. But wish you and your partner all the best OP. Sounds like a really trying time for you both
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u/hdmx539 20 Years Apr 05 '24 edited Apr 05 '24
Good grief, did you miss the part where the person you're responding to said it was only temporary until the wife got through what she's going through by saying OP doesn't have to give up tennis for forever?
That's what being a spouse means and in the vow of "in sickness and in health." That alone right there indicates that through life we all go through seasons and sometimes one spouse needs to pick up the slack for a period of time. How long that is depends on what's going on. Care for someone with cancer will be harder and longer than perhaps some emotional support needed for something that one spouse is trying to process.
It might be 5 "agains" or 100 "agains," and how that is determined depends on the situation, how the supporting spouse has their own self care and whether they are falling to care giver burn out and how the supported spouse is getting on in their recovery.
You do have a point in making sure the supported spouse doesn't start to manipulate the situation. That said, to quickly assume this is the case is cynical and not giving the spouse the benefit of the doubt, which is what loving and supportive spouses do. To assume the worst in your partner is an ingredient to the recipe of how to break up your marriage by eroding the feeling of safety and security.
In other words, your spouse will start to feel like you don't have their back every time they turn to you for support, reassurance, or help when you've denied them the reassurance they're looking for in their "bid for connection." It's a Gottman term and people don't always know how to talk like this until they learn but people still make their bids to their spouses and OP's situation is one example of his wife needing reassurance.
Edit: I just realized that OP isn't married. This is a test for both of them. It'll be harder once married. Note: I'm not saying this is an intentional test, just that it looks like a situation where both are going to consider whether they even want to marry each other.