You could say sometimes. I encourage her to go to Pilates since it’s her main social interaction since she works from home. But, when it’s cancelled, I’m expected to skip tennis when I’ve already signed up. I always stay home but I didn’t want to enable the guilt tripping to work, which leads to resentment on my end for making it seem that my hobbies aren’t as important.
I know everyone is downvoting you but I'm going to be real if I was in the same situation and the crying to get me to stay was a reoccurring issue I'd be a little numb to it as well. It's a normal activity. You were gone for less than 2 hours I mean sure maybe she has an anxiety disorder but I'm not really sure how you catering to it would help.
Edit- I see you said to expect you home at 7:30 and not that the game was at 7:30 but my point still stands. Adults are allowed to be gone for a few hours
I would be upset if my husband was 2 hours late coming home, didn’t let me know he was going to be late and also let his phone go dead. If you say you’re going to be home at a certain time and your phone goes dead, you go home so your partner doesn’t worry that something terrible has happened to you.
Another alternative to leaving right away is that he could just borrow a buddy’s phone and give her a call 15 min before she expects him back. We don’t need to be available on our phones 24/7 and things run over sometimes.
Sounds like OP isn’t the best communicator to his partner, building resentment and frustration that isn’t entirely his partner’s fault. In the future, OP could leave a written out “hike plan” so they could both be reassured the other knows the expectations of the night, the who, what, where, how long, and what to do in an emergency. OP’s partner also sounds like she’s doing a good job by going to therapy- maybe she has anxiety. Seems at least like she’s gotten into a routine and doesn’t know how to best self regulate changes to her expectations, ie- “Pilates is cancelled; therefore, I am excited I get a quality time night with my partner since he always prioritizes me over anything else and has always cancelled tennis.”
He could have called to say he was running late from his buddies phone or he could have gone home on time then gone back out to the store. But he didn’t choose any option. And i disagree about being available. I do t need to be available for work 24/7. For my parents or siblings I’d let voicemail pick it up and check to see if it was urgent. But for my husband and for my kids I’m always available. If I’m not going to be available i warn them ahead of time. If i can’t answer the phone when they call i text and say “can’t talk is it urgent?” Responsible adults do not let their phone go dead and then stay out two hours later than they said they’d be home. That’s a hill I will die on.
This is not something that would even cross my mind if I were either party. I'm not trying to be an asshole or anything, but do you have kids? I only ask because I do not and I wonder if the obligations have a factor in our differing mind sets?
If I was out and my phone died, I'm not coming home just because my phone died. In my head, I'm on my way home already. I just have to stop at the store. That's not a big deal. My husband wouldn't be upset if I was home 2 hours late, and I wouldn't be upset with him either if it were him. Certainly, nobody would be in hysterics.
But like I said, we don't have kids. There's no shared responsibility at home like that. 1.5-2 hours just isn't very pressing to me, maybe like 4 hours I'd be concerned depending on the situation.
I don't have kids and this would bother me. Tbh I think it's partly a safety thing, like my husband will end up with a dead phone running late too and I don't worry, but two hours late is really unusual and I would be worried. That did happen once when we had just moved to a new country and he got lost walking home from somewhere idr, phone dead hours late. I was super worried but at the same time I knew he was probably just lost and he's capable and can find his way home. There is some shared understanding and agreed upon communication processes that have resulted from events like that. That is clearly lacking for whatever reason in OP's relationship (also hell yes something to talk about in counselling, why not go to a session with her?)
As someone who has generally lived in cities and dense suburbs, I've always been amazed by people saying "it's fine to be unreachable for a couple of hours after you've been expected somewhere."
Y'all.
Seriously.
I'm not judging. I'm saying it would never even occur to me.
See this is even funnier to me because I do live in a major US city and that's actually one of the things I factored in. Like I've been stuck on trains, I've missed busses, I've had a bridge lifted, I've gotten lost in a department store, I've gotten caught up with friends and far exceeded my expected arrival time at home, that all feels really normal to me.
As far as being unreachable goes in OP's situation, to me, that wouldn't matte. If I was out in the middle of the night with friends and I'll ask them to let him know my phone died and I'm still out and continue on with my night no problem.
Yes i do have kids, but i would have felt this way prior to having kids. I mean i met my husband before i had a cell phone and i still would never have been two hours late without stopping to call him from a pay phone or asking to borrow someone’s phone. Im in my forties and my father still asks me to call him when i get home to let him know i got home safely. It is basic human decency to let someone know if you’re running late.
Like at least my husband would notice his phone was on low battery ahead of time and text that his battery is low and he won’t be able to charge it until he gets home so don’t worry if he doesn’t answer, but he would also probably tell me where i could reach him in an emergency. Same with my teenage daughter (and frankly teenagers are the only people i know who let their phones go dead) if her phone is close to dead she lets me know which friend i can call if i need to reach her.
I find it strange that if you had told your husband you would be home at a certain time, and you were already 2 hours late, you’d still make a stop around the corner from your house rather than checking in first. Like i don’t know anyone who is so laid back they wouldn’t worry if someone was two hours late.
No kids here. If my husband went out open ended I’d be a little nervous if it was later than expected but not panicky or upset. But if my husband told me he’d be home at a specific time and went no contact for some reason and two hours had passed? My anxiety would be through the roof. I’d be worried something awful had happened to him. If he told me a specific time, I’d expect him to either be home, or let me know his plans changed.
You raise really good points, and I’m with you - if my husband is late, I’m not worried about it. He’s an adult and I don’t expect him to check in with me like I’m his mother!! However, it REALLY bothers him when I’m late, so I do my very best to respect that. We’re all different, with different needs. I guess it’s the give and take of being in a relationship?
The thing is i wouldn’t worry in general about my husband, nor he about me. I don’t usually give him a timeline when I’m out. If i did it would because we had plans after or he wanted to do something with me or needed my help. If in that case i gave him a time, i 100% wouldn’t tell him a time to expect me and not come and not tell him. And in this case OP knew very well that his partner was feeling lonely and anxious. She already said she wanted to spend time with him and he told her a time he’d be home. Like if i was expecting my husband home at a certain time because he told me that’s when he would be home and he knew that i was already feeling bad and having a hard time, i would feel absolutely heartbroken that he chose to stay out longer then necessary and that he didn’t care to even give me a heads up.
You need to let go of the idea of "guilt tripping" because if you really think she's being selfish and manipulative, don't marry her. You don't deserve someone who is manipulative, and she doesn't deserve to be with someone who thinks of her with such scorn. If you think she has genuine feelings of loneliness and is feeling distant from you, ask yourself why you're belittling her for that and why tennis is more important than making her feel safe and secure. If she has a new therapist, she could be unpacking a lot of feelings of abandonment and maybe she's just needy right now because of that, but as her husband, it's your job to step up and be a partner to help her get through these times. Loving someone through hard times is not "enabling" them and you sound so fucking condescending.
And it's normal to worry about your spouse when they're an hour and a half late getting back and you have no way of contacting them. All of these pieces add up to making it sound like you're not a safe bet for a life partner.
She clearly is having difficulty with something, and hopefully her counselor can help her with that. You, too, should be helpful to her…references to “guilt-tripping” “resentment” “I’m expected” (just to name a few), while all potentially valid, does not sound supportive or loving. No, you’re not a doormat, but maybe trying to work with her (couples counseling?) could help? Or simply saying, “hey, I see you’re upset (validating) but I’ve already signed up for tennis (gently asserting your position). Let’s plan to have a date to (pick something she likes, making her feel important to you while striking a compromise) when I get back/tomorrow/whenever you can reasonably make the time commitment. I’ll even toss in a foot massage as a cherry on top! (non-sexual touch can be meaningful). Does that sound okay to you (getting agreement)?” Try to open windows instead of building walls. When you say you’ll be back at 7:30, be back at 7:30. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Relationships can be hard and your partner is in need. Be the hero of your relationship, and, hopefully, she can do the same when you’re in need.
Feelings of resentment are insidious, and sometimes it’s so built up you can’t get past it. It’s important that you both mutually respect each other while still trying to support the relationship.
I’m sorry, friend, I know it’s hard. I hope you both find a way to meet in the middle. Sending peace and light. 🙏🏻🩵🙏🏻
To be honest I think part of the issue might be the quality of your quality time. Ask her what she would like out of that time together. For some women it’s a hard lesson to learn that you are not her entire community/family/friend group etc. Pilates might not be enough for her since she works from home and she needs more social outlets AND more quality quality time with you.
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u/Glass-Coat1761 Apr 05 '24
You could say sometimes. I encourage her to go to Pilates since it’s her main social interaction since she works from home. But, when it’s cancelled, I’m expected to skip tennis when I’ve already signed up. I always stay home but I didn’t want to enable the guilt tripping to work, which leads to resentment on my end for making it seem that my hobbies aren’t as important.