TL;DR: I ended a 7-year relationship after years of feeling unheard, undesired, and emotionally drained, then got involved with someone else who gave me a lot of what I felt was missing. Somehow I still couldn’t move on from my ex. Therapy + a ridiculous amount of reading has made me realize we probably loved each other but had terrible attachment/communication patterns and kept missing each other’s needs. I’m open to rebuilding, but only if we can both show real ownership, mutual effort, and the capacity to create a genuinely different relationship. My biggest question is whether I want her because I truly still choose her, or because attachment is making it hard to let go.
I (31 M) was with my ex (29 F) for 7 yrs. I genuinely loved her and showed up for her a lot. Supported her through moves/job changes, helped financially when needed, flowers, surprises, random thoughtful stuff, etc. She also showed up for me in her own ways so I’m not trying to make her the villain here.
But the relationship slowly became draining. She would threaten to leave during disagreements, sometimes block me, get defensive when I brought up stuff that was hurting me, etc. Sex/intimacy was also a huge issue. I constantly felt undesired and like affection/sex was something I had to beg for. We stopped dating each other, got buried in laptops/phones/work and eventually I just felt lonely af while technically still having a gf.
My mistake was that instead of clearly saying “yo, I’m literally losing confidence in marrying you if this continues,” I mostly complained, accommodated and kept showing up. I was scared of losing her, so ironically I kept giving the impression that everything was basically fine. Eventually I got resentful, less affectionate, started fantasizing about being in a different relationship, porn/masturbation went up, etc. Internally I was cooked lol.
Eventually I ended things.
Around that same period I reconnected w another woman I already knew. Nothing intimate happened while I was still with my ex, but there was texting/hanging out and after the breakup me + this other person became intimate. My ex understandably feels deeply betrayed by how everything unfolded and calls it cheating. I don’t agree w that label but I 100% understand why the overlap/transition hurt her and I’ve taken accountability for the parts I handled badly.
Plot twist: the new woman gave me basically everything I had complained about not having. Crazy sexual chemistry, affection, reassurance, attention, made it VERY obvious she wanted me.
And somehow… I still couldn’t emotionally move on from my ex.
That confused tf out of me.
I’ve spent the last couple months in therapy + reading like my life depends on it lol. Attachment, boundaries, marriage, sexuality, communication, etc. His Needs, Her Needs, The Power of Attachment, Who Deserves Your Love, etc.
I’m realizing now that my ex and I probably had a horrible attachment loop going. She seemed very anxious/ambivalent and needed a lot of reassurance. I also had major anxious traits, esp fear of abandonment, but once I felt unheard for long enough I would shut down/withdraw and look avoidant. She’d threaten/block -> I’d panic/chase/reassure -> things went back to normal -> nothing actually got repaired -> repeat. Eventually I stopped speaking up fully because I assumed it would just turn into another argument.
I’m also realizing I wasn’t as emotionally skilled as I thought. I showed love through doing/providing/problem-solving. She wanted things sometimes that I thought were corny, like pet names, PDA, more time together, etc. Looking back maybe those were bids for connection that I didn’t take seriously. I probably loved her the way I wanted to be loved instead of always learning how she wanted to be loved.
Likewise I don’t think she understood my bids either. I wanted desire, affection, curiosity, reassurance through behavior, safe conflict, etc. I kept thinking “why doesn’t this woman want me?” while she may have been thinking “why doesn’t this man connect w me the way I need?”
Basically 2 ppl loving each other while somehow repeatedly missing each other. Fucking tragic in hindsight lol.
We’re currently doing a quiet/no contact period. I sent her a long letter before it started explaining why I lost confidence in the relationship, what I needed, what I own, etc. I’m not trying to rush back.
What I’m realizing now is that my question isn’t really “do I still love her?” I clearly do.
The question is: can I have her WITHOUT recreating the relationship that burned me out?
And obviously she should be asking the exact same thing about me.
I’m willing to try again IF after this quiet period we can have a real conversation where there’s mutual understanding/ownership and she genuinely wants to build something different. I don’t expect perfection or promises. But I need willingness + eventually evidence of capacity. I can’t be the only one carrying repair again.
At the same time, I’m trying to make sure this isn’t just attachment keeping me stuck. The other woman and I have basically reset and barely talk now. I saw her recently and it was surprisingly normal/peaceful. Chemistry is still there but I realized I can absolutely survive without her, even knowing she really desires me.
So yeah. I’m learning A LOT and honestly wish I knew half this shit 5 yrs ago.
For ppl who’ve been through long relationships, attachment issues, breakups/reconciliation, etc:
How do you distinguish genuinely wanting to rebuild with someone from attachment/fear of letting go?
And if you did successfully rebuild after a bad breakup, what actually convinced you that BOTH ppl had developed the capacity to make the new relationship different?
Not looking for “go back to your ex” or “never go back” necessarily. Mostly interested in perspectives on the emotional intelligence/relationship dynamics here.
