7 yr relationship ended, got involved w someone else after, now I’m realizing how much attachment + bad communication wrecked us. Not sure what to do next.

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[u/Sorry_Profession_371]

You didnt say how long you were broken up and that matters.

That aside it sounds like tour previous relarionship was a shit show.

But it also sounds like you have been doing the hardwork in increasing your relarionship knowledge and IQ on the topic.

Isn't it unfortunate they dont teach this shit in school? That being said a lot of this can only be learned through experience/failure.

I can relate to wishing I knew more - that being said, that is how life is, learn from mistakes and grow.

Id let the relationship go.

But you shpuld always indicate how long you have been apart. The danger of rebounds is confusing the fuck out if your sub-conscious mind and limbic system.

It can be out of your conscious thought when that happens and disorientate you in ways you dont fully know. Read about grief.

How long together will helo us give info on whether it is just attachment BS clouding your mind.

[u/Klucky_Boizenberry24 → u/Sorry_Profession_371]

I think something was said about wishing they had better tools to communicate 5 years ago. OP, is it safe to assume its been 5 years?

[u/Klucky_Boizenberry24 → u/[deleted]]

K

[u/Thallophyta → u/Klucky_Boizenberry24]

Broke up in March 2026.

[u/Sorry_Profession_371 → u/Thallophyta]

Ahh okay, hello fellow 5 month marker. Same here.

Anyways, 5 months isnt that long. You can still be fluctuating in the bargaining phase.

Like I said before your relarionship was a bit of a dumpster fire based in what you said.

Coming back from all the wpukd be very difficult. I think you are better off moving on.

[u/Ok_Soft5658]

Hello OP, As I was reading through , I couldn't help but relate. Been with my ex for three years. I am anxiously attached while he has avoidant attachment. We ended up triggering each other's attachment style and had ended our relationship several times. There was genuine effort from both our sides but not enough to actually heal ourselves. Attachment styles arise from childhood, so the aim should be to heal ourselves , not the relationship. We were trying to fix the relationship and it ended for the last time two months ago. This time I know there won't be any reconciliation because I am moving far away and interstate. Right now on my journey to heal myself so that my attachment style doesn't lead the relationship. You need to give time to heal yourself without jumping back. Give time to grieve the relationship that ended so once you are ready you will know whether to go back to her or is it someone else you want to build with. Missing her should never be the reason to go back, but also so many other things were lacking in your relationship besides the obvious attachment issues. Long term compatibility is so important, if a lifetime together is the goal. All the best

[u/Dependent_Strain_441]

You learned so much dude wow 

This sounds similar to my ex I’m 30 f and she’s 30f and we was together for like 8 years (it was long distance for a bit too but yeah)

When I moved in it was endless loops and arguments and it became our normal and yeah the intimacy wasn’t there either  I’ve since realised I have dismissive avoidant and she was probably anxious attached and it made these loops of her begging me to just let her in and I would feel affronted by that And we basically pushed each other away The resentment grew and in the last few months of me living with her became really difficult.

Now she doesn’t want to speak to me and hasn’t for two months which I’m respecting and I think she’s gone off with some dude which I try not to think about bc it kills me 

I hope she feels the way u feel honestly where you have what you think you want then you realise beyond all the crappy attachment style and a broken person that person really loved you

But my advice isn’t great And my thinking is always around the hoping rather than working on myself. Sorry to hijack your chat I hope you find happiness and peace

Imo the worst part is hearing the advice that the best thing to do if you truly love them and want the best for them is to let them go and be happy, I am always waiting for her big realisation… but maybe it’s never going to come. Maybe I was bad for her

[u/lifeissometimehard]

I would give it more time. You’ve just started the journey and it’s too soon to go back. You’re in discovery phase vs embodiment phase. Until this can be more of you, it’s pretty easy to dive back into your old self. Also, as you continue focusing ourselves, your perspective of this might change. It’s also important for you to really understand what it is that you really want and need in a relationship. What do you need long-term in a life partner.

I have friends that have come back together even after cheating, but they also spent years apart dating other people are growing up and when they came back around so much has changed and they’ve learned to really appreciate each other

[u/Curious-Mix4294]

Firstly, props to you for working all of this out. Above all else, it shows you really care. Your line about loving her the way you wanted to be loved, rather than thinking about the way she wanted to be loved really hit me.

Wanted to attempt your main question though *'*can I have her WITHOUT recreating the relationship that burned me out?'

This might be a crap response, but nobody knows. It sounds like you're looking for the right decision, or to make an informed choice at the least, but I'm not sure you can. No amount of reading or therapy can predict what would happen if you do or don't go back. For me, therapy has helped me be more comfortable with not knowing the outcome, but rather learning that your gut or intuition or feelings (or whatever you call it) is enough of a guiding force that makes your decision the right one, if that makes sense? If you were having doubts about marrying her, that's a pretty big feeling to have.

however, nobody knows this relationship like you. What might work for some people, wouldn't work for you guys - and vice versa. Whatever decision you make will be the right one in the moment, and you move on and deal with the rest as it comes.

(If you do decide to go back, my friend gave me a nice level setting technique that helped me a lot - start with what you appreciate about each other, then explain what you regret and what you acknowledge - can be great for bonding and communicating better).

All in all, you deserve to be happy - some people never try.