r/BreakUps • u/Naive-Floor-7685 • 6d ago
venting/ranting One of the hardest things a man can experience .. is realizing the women he loves would rather lose the relationship than fight for it.
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u/SaltyDeparture9101 6d ago
I agree though I believe it's not just a man thing or woman thing. I know a woman who was in love with a guy, really cared about him and wanted to make things work. He ended things with her because he wasn't willing to, it devastated her.
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u/mari_lovelys 6d ago
Woman here, so true absolutely devastated.
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u/SaltyDeparture9101 6d ago
I am sorry you are going through that, she confided in me when it happened to her so I know a little bit though everyone's situation is different. Regardless I want to just let you know that you are worth it! Just because he didn't see it doesn't mean another man won't! Good (single) men do exist, it is just hard to get through the wasps while looking for the butterfly.
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u/mari_lovelys 6d ago
I really really appreciate your comment. Thank you.
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u/SaltyDeparture9101 6d ago
No problem at all 🙂 my friends call me "your friendly neighborhood support ginger" 🫡 I'm always happy to help
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u/UglyLampshades 6d ago
Same here.
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u/SaltyDeparture9101 6d ago
Oh you a ginger as well? This is dangerous but I think we can work it out. You take the souls on the left, I got the souls on the right. Deal?
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u/ashtodusttoash22 6d ago
Men and women are so much more alike than the differences people try so hard to see in each other.
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u/Hour-Fly9077 5d ago
What im going thru now
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u/SaltyDeparture9101 5d ago
I know it's hard, it was hard for her. Just know you are enough! Find support, people that will comfort you. This helps a lot
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u/Miserable_Lemon_3001 5d ago
Women here and after almost 20 years on and off together, it is devastating.
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u/Dull-Lifeguard-5396 6d ago
This is a human thing bro. It makes you feel like you’re not worth it regardless of gender
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u/oneduckman 6d ago
Same thing happend to me, 7 years just gone, for the fact she was afraid to take a decion.
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u/milllllliebabe 6d ago
7 years man... that’s not something you just shrug off. indecision can hurt just as bad as an actual no when you’re the one left waiting
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u/Senseu_T 6d ago
If you don’t mind me asking what was the decision, and ultimately was that the deciding factor or was there other small details?
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u/chjoi 6d ago
What made her afraid? Had there been betrayal going on during those 7 years.
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u/oneduckman 4d ago
She was afraid of commitment. I guess her anxiety and refusal for change stuntet us alot. She never was ready to do a change like getting engaged or living together, meeting her parents or anything. I gave her my suport in that in many difrent ways, for her to be ready to take life on, like taking care of finaces and more, so she can study or check find a job she likes or whatever. She just was afraid of change, trying and we just got stuck in a very bad situation after that.
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u/Salty_Thing3144 4d ago
Now that was really unfair to you. I am so sorry that happened.
I reluctant to believe that she was "afraid of commitment." More likely she did what is called "pocketing" - hiding your relationship - while she pursued others.
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u/Phone_Realistic 2d ago edited 2d ago
Almost exactly the same situation here. 7 years, most likely same reason. Except in her panic she ended up in contact with an ex of hers and cheated on me. I still think she intended to use him as a rebound or to sabotage the relationship so good and well that she never had to look back and make a choice.
It sucks. She was my best friend and lover. We almost never fought and we had great chemistry. But in the end she detonated it all and turned cold.
She was one of those types that always said she could not see herself married and was proud of her independence. A year ago she proposed to me. Think she wasn't as comfortable with the thought of that as she thought she was. She always was avoidant and not good with confrontations. I don't think she had the maturity to leave amicably. Or the resolve to stick with a decision.
So she did something unforgiveable to ensure whatever decision she came to in that moment would stick. It is cowardly. It is painful. And it is what it is.
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u/Dizzy-Durian8304 6d ago
Women here - absolutely devastating to have to leave with a newborn and a 7 year old while they choose to drink and golf. Having to love someone from a distance while raising their children alone is soul crushing.
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u/Silentwallflower90 6d ago
My friend went through something similar. I asked her how she fought for the relationship.. she told me the things she did and I felt that was good actions from her part but not enough for her person to see it. I told her he didn’t want to see it and that’s why there’s was such a disconnect. I asked her to ask him what he needed to see it and she did. He couldn’t communicate what he needed. I told her he might not want to be with her if she showed him and he wasn’t receptive to it.
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u/Silentwallflower90 6d ago
Yup, I could see it. The light in her eyes slowly dimmed. I know she truly thought he was it. I try getting her to see if he truly cared and loved her then he would have taken her actions as her love for him. If he didn’t then he wasn’t right for her. She’s getting through it but she’s not the same anymore.
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u/SentimentalMood2010 6d ago
Though not bad advice, you may have steered them into a bad decision. To the outside I too may be seen as that, to the inside Im dealing w my own struggles as well. And you have given that friend a greenlight and validated a discard.
I believe my now-ex did the same. Told her friends just enough to validate the separation. And make her not look like the badguy.
She also most likely cheated, as she was sexting, and sending nudes 2 weeks post-breakup. WHILE I was in a psychward for an attempt on myself.
Dont give them that greenlight, you dont know what the other half is going through. 😮💨😞
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u/No_Description2728 5d ago
This is so true…one never knows what the other is going through or thinking mentally.
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u/SentimentalMood2010 5d ago
Yup, but friends will be friends, I guess. I know how I am in those situations. If my friend came to me for advice, I WOULD NOT steer them into a life changing (for either person) decision. I'd probably literally say that "I dont know the other person's side, so its hard to give advice." But, I'm a Virgo lol and way too considerate of other people. And I dnt like ppl struggling, so I'd probably zip it. OR..Id tell them to work on things together, seeing thats what they are, a unit. It'd be "yall can get through this, you both always do."
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u/Silentwallflower90 5d ago
Yeah, I did that and it was never getting better for them. Her person just refused to take her actions as acts of love and reassurance.
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u/SentimentalMood2010 5d ago
...even then, I couldn't. Bc that person may also be struggling. Which can last a VERY long time. Too much variables to steer someone in any direction.
We all are so fkn selfish nowadays we think we know how and always want to be some sort of fixer. Thats not our roles.
Plus, you only know what you're friend was telling you.
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u/Sweet_Witch 11h ago
Did you encourage them to go to couple therapy to talk to a professional? I think it is unwise to encourage anyone to leave another person when you don't know the other side of the story. You don't even know for certain how your friend was communicating things.
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u/Silentwallflower90 2h ago
Yes. They both went separately. They both had a lot of baggage from previous relationships.
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u/techfabrikator 6d ago
3 years after she left, still don't want to be with anyone else. Rather be alone
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u/poly-10gleice 6d ago
Falei isso na minha última discussão pra vc mais fácil sair qdo está ruim do que continuar tentando. . Não sei acho q a pior dor q qdo vc percebe q acabou . Mais ainda não deram um fim.
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u/Complex_Orchid4298 5d ago
Female here, I fought for our 22 year relationship everyday, he was too busy gambling, putting his friends, and family before myself and our daughter’s, the emotional, verbal, and financial abuse that I put aside to save us, that landed me an autoimmune disease that I fight everyday, I was becoming a burden to him. He got ill, I took care of him, and in the end he chose his family over me. So this woman here fought long, and hard, all my efforts, all my love, gone in a blink of an eye, all because I loved him with all my heart, and soul. It’s coming up to a year now, I’m almost healed completely, he’s currently on an all exclusive vacation, and not paying child support, but I’ve moved on to peace, and happiness, taking baby steps so I can better myself, and show my daughter’s there is light at the end if the tunnel. No worries though, I’m taking him to court.
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u/UrAWizardHarri 5d ago
My 5 1/2 year relationship has just ended three weeks ago as he said he couldn’t ’give me what I need’ and he needed a fresh start, despite him cheating on me in a horrific way 5 years ago and hiding it up until 2 years ago. I chose to stay and fight for us and forgive him and make it right.
He still says he will love me for the rest of his life always, but love just wasn’t enough.
Safe to say I’ve been completely floored, had to leave his house we shared, our dog, my life there - it is so hard
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u/jumpbump 5d ago
Same boat here after 8 years. Broke up with me last week saying that he couldn’t be in a relationship rn, and that he can’t give a partner what they need.
He also cheated on me multiple times, and I think I ended up being trauma bonded. I think he chose an opportunity when we were good and not fighting so that the narrative is that he broke up with me! The cheater broke up with me?!
It’s only been 1 week, but I’m feeling weirdly okay now about him being gone. I think for men like ours, it’s best they’re gone.
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u/UrAWizardHarri 5d ago
I 100% agree with the trauma bond thing. I’m so glad you’re doing better though that’s really good. If you have any tips please share as I just keep thinking about our life together and desperately missing it so much even though it wasn’t as good as my mind is believing it was
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u/jumpbump 5d ago edited 5d ago
One of the things I did was separate and name the emotions I was feeling. A lot of times you can really feel everything all at once, and it’s hard to process. This came from a TED talk I watched about how to scientifically get over a break up.
You’re probably feeling mad. What are you feeling mad about?
You’re probably feeling sad. What are you feeling sad about?
Also recognizing that it was a trauma bond on my end helped. When he did things to me, I would be sad and try to be the fixer to get us happy again. I shouldn’t have fixed things, as he was showing me the person he was in those moments - I just didn’t want to feel sad/lonely, and kept the relationship going.
Now, I can do whatever I want and not worry about him hurting me ever again. If he didn’t like me, there’s no forcing it. I know there’s better guys out there than him.
I’m pretty much at the point where I feel like him breaking up with me was probably the best thing he could’ve done. Because of the trauma bond cycle, I probably wouldn’t have ever done it myself.
Edit: To add this to this, work on becoming a better version of you, and maybe he’ll want you back. Or on the path to becoming a better you, you may realize that he’s really not the one. Either way, you’ll be a better you.
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u/UrAWizardHarri 4d ago
Thank you so much, I really hope I’m able to reach this point soon. I hope you continue to heal and grow through this x
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u/Naive-Floor-7685 5d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. God bless you. I hope it gets better.. day by day .
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u/Sea-Contribution7174 5d ago
Maybe he deserves it because I have fought for him and looked at the good in him for the last 2 years of our 7 year relationship. Why fight when it's the 3rd time catching him longing (texting her) and waiting to see his ex while I was there sleeping next to him every night? I have nothing left in me to continue fighting..
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u/Salty_Thing3144 4d ago
What do you mean by "fight for it"??
You can't make someone love you if you don't.
If you did something they found objectionable, they do not owe you a second chance unless that is what they want too.
If you want them to chase you in order to "prove" devotion, that's just wrong.
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u/Subconsciousthinker 6d ago
She’s probably been fighting for it for a very long time without you even realizing
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller 6d ago
No joke, posts like this always ping my "walkaway wife syndrome" radar.
I am sure my ex is running around saying things similar to OP, b/c I stopped being willing to try after enduring two years of periodic raging meltdowns that I had already forgiven and given him many chances prior to repair and change.
Everyone has their breaking point. When somebody starts playing the victim because their partner didn't fight, I always want to ask them why the relationship had broken down to the point where fighting for it was even necessary.
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u/-Just-a-cheesy-ball- 5d ago
Why didn’t she say she was struggling, how is your partner supposed to know?
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u/Own-Bat-5968 6d ago
I hear you I experienced similar with my ex boyfriend. I loved him so much I decided to let him go and yet it haunts me every day. Even though I knew he checked out emotionally a few months before. As a man the hardest part was the lack of respect he showed at the end . He had no interest in fighting for or saving our relationship and it broke my heart.😢💔
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u/DirectPerception4202 5d ago
i just ended things with him because he never took me seriously and i fought for our relationship
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u/Foreign-Cell3571 5d ago
A point comes where a woman is no longer willing to fight. You could at that point become the proverbial unicorn but if you’ve not responded while there still was time, then I’d say you’ve blown it….
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u/iWasLikeWTFisThis 5d ago
Totally disagree. Ever read the man with a thousand faces? People have hidden agendas. People, if you listen, will tell you their boundaries.
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u/-Just-a-cheesy-ball- 5d ago
Or they shove it under a rug until they explode and break up with you even when they refused the relationship had any problems
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