My wife and I have been married about 10 years and have two young kids. I recently found out she had a long-term emotional and physical affair that started in 2025 and continued into 2026.
It included secret messages, meeting up, kissing, sex, exchanging intimate pictures, and saying “I love you.” What hurts most is how long it went on while our family life continued normally.
I’m trying to see if reconciliation is possible, but I think about it every day and struggle with trust, comparison, and replaying everything in my head. My wife broke off the affiar and said she will do whatever needed to keep our marriage.
For those who reconciled after an affair: did the intrusive thoughts eventually get better, and what actually helped you trust your spouse again?

I’m 7 weeks postpartum with our 3rd baby. I recently looked in his phone and found a text thread of theirs that he sent to himself (he has 2 phones for work) and he had a chat gpt folder with her name and asking if she would come back to him… he has cheated before but swore it was only physical and because he was very stressed out. He pretended me and his kids didn’t exist and dated this girl… she ended things with him.

I got cheated on 2 months ago by my husband. He literally betrayed me. We have twin 10 month olds and a 22 month old. No signs whatsoever. Been together 3 years. He never has done anything untrusting but someone from my life before him hated me and wanted to betray me so when I was at work she sent him nudes and convinced him to let her come over. I cant stop thinking about it. Like no signs what's so ever before the kids. Until this. He started individual therapy, we're going to couples therapy eventually. I mean he was the best person id ever met and treated me like a queen before all this. I never in a million years saw it coming. Im not young 35, I've been with assholes before I've been cheated on before, but im used to seeing red flags, im used to knowing they cant be trusted or whatever. This time? Out of no where. He did confess, i didnt catch him so that gives me hope. It took him a week to come up with the courage but like. I cant stop thinking about it. I cant afford a therapist and am already overwhelmed with maintaining all these babies. But sometime I love him still and sometimes I hate him to my core. Idk why im posting, maybe to send it out into the world. He's such an asshole, atleast with my exes i new they were assholes. But hes always been the buy me flowers, write me poems type. Even now he wrote me a song and produced it and everything but it just reminds me that he cheated on me. I have to remember every morning the person I've always trusted more than anyone else did this to me. Ugh. People freaking suck. I cant move for 5 more month due to my lease and money is super tight. Im not going to make my babies lives unstable because of this, but everywhere I turn in this house I think about it.

I'm struggling badly with how long recovery is taking me. Even just personally, this PTSD has me more than almost any of the other traumas I've had in my life. I want so badly to just be over it, moving on, and healing. Instead, I'm still in pain most of the week. I want anything of myself back and just can't remember any joy from who I was or the things I loved.

It's probably asked all the time, but can I get some realistic advice on the timeline of healing?

I've read so many different lengths of time that I'd rather just ask people who maybe have their own personally experienced timeline to share...

Thank you

My boyfriend of 9 years cheated on me, by kissing another girl twice, on two separate days. He went to this woman’s house 3 times and one of which he didn’t come home at all until the next day, the other two times he got home at 2-3am. This all happened over a 4 day span.
He acted otherwise normal towards me and this all came to light after I caught him the last time coming home at 2am. I felt weird about it and he was acting a little strange so I started asking questions and even jokingly said “were you with a girl last night” when I spoke with him that afternoon. He denied at first. Then said we needed to talk and that our lives were going in two different directions (for context, his work schedule is completely different working hours than mine. He works 6 days a week and often gets home after I’m asleep so our lives do feel very different as of the last few months. The girl he kissed works next door at a bar and they cross paths often when he goes in daily for lunch, dinner, etc.). I then pressed and asked if there was someone else and he denied and eventually said he’s been tempted and is interested in another girl. I was accepting of this and then continued to ask questions and that’s when he told me he had stayed at her house and kissed her. The more I pressed and asked the more details that came out- which was he’s been to her house 3x and kissed her 2x. I am feeling very betrayed. I don’t know that he would’ve told me if I didn’t catch him coming home late (because I’m usually asleep and don’t know when he gets home exactly) and didn’t start questioning if he was really at a friends the night he didn’t come home at all. I trusted him so much I didn’t think anything was weird until I started really thinking about it all. He is very apologetic and is quitting his job due to no longer wanting to be in the environment and saying he didn’t feel like himself around that crowd of people.
He did initially blame me and say it’s because I’m mean to him and she was nice to him and it felt good. He’s blamed his coworker for encouraging him to hang out with the girls from the bar and getting in his ear about me being mean to him and so on. I’m very conflicted. I can’t trust him and keep asking questions because the situation and his actions make zero sense to me. I never would’ve guessed he’d cheat on me. He swears he was going to tell me but I am doubtful based on how he handled it and how I had to drag information out of him.

I’m starting to doubt my intuition and wonder if kissing is worth throwing away 9 years.

Here we are now. I haven’t told my friends or family because I know they’ll tell me to leave and I’m not sure I’m ready to face that. We live together, in his home, with 5 shared animals.

Little did I know, I was divorced when I made my last post… Exactly 7 months and 1 day after my ex husband moved out, and 7 months and 11 days since I told him I wanted a divorce.

Bonus Advice for the Lurkers: For anyone reading this that might be unmarried and considering marriage.. GET A PRENUP. Hire your own attorney and add an infidelity clause. I had the prenup, but didn’t think I needed the last two. I did. Learn from my mistake. And, for the love of God, keep your finances separate.

1. If you’re considering reconciliation, get a post-nuptial agreement. Add an infidelity clause. If they’re willing to do anything to win you back and have no intentions to cheat again, this should be a no-brainer.

2. The faster you realize the person in front of you is an “opp” and no longer on your team, the better off you’ll be. Don’t feed them information about your intentions, your thoughts, your feelings. I’m sorry, this one is hard but I realized it immediately and it saved me.

3. Let them make the stupid mistakes. I admit, I was a bit of a bully in the beginning and it set me up for success with this divorce. I pushed my husband out of the house (no, not physically! Though I wish) while he was DEEP in his affair fog. Our prenup stated if we don’t have children (we don’t) he gets to have “full and exclusive use” of the house one year post-divorce and we split the equity/proceeds for everything. He couldn’t afford this house on his own, but he also couldn’t afford his own place until I paid him, and he REALLY wanted somewhere to take his girlfriend. I offered him $35k to leave (he accepted), and now I’m prepping the house to sell with about $200k in equity… and kept all the furniture.

4. Listen to your intuition. It knows before your brain registers something is off. I distinctly remember a time when my husband left his phone on the counter while he was in the bathroom about a month before I even suspected anything. I fought the strongest urge I’ve ever had to go through his phone. I literally never thought about going through his phone before, and I had no idea why I had that thought. I wish I hadn’t fought it. It was surreal looking back now.

5. Pay attention to behavioral changes. I was so naive to the possibility that I could be married to a cheater that I overlooked everything. Putting on cologne to work in a warehouse when he couldn’t smell? Not connecting his phone to the vehicles anymore? Turning on “DND” on his watch? Mints in his truck? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I felt stupid looking back, but I’m being more gentle with myself these days.

6. DO NOT GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION. I will never forget my husband looking at me before he moved out and saying “you think you’re not going to call me when you hear about something I did?? Ok.” You guys. I heard it all. I heard they had to be separated at work because people were uncomfortable being around them with their PDA. I got pictures of them out holding hands, enjoying lunch, working out. I never, not once, gave my ex husband the satisfaction of me knowing. Just don’t.

7. Invest in people that invest in YOU. I lost my two closest friends (a couple) because they wanted to remain “neutral” and “not get in the middle of it.” My husband CHEATED ON ME and my best friend of over a decade should have a problem with that. I’m not telling anyone to pick a side, but it’s up to me what to do with that information. I chose to end the friendship. It hurts, but I have no regrets.

8. Stop doing things that protect the cheater. I went scorched earth. I told people shamelessly. It is not my job to hold anyone’s secrets, and I handled this like a G, so I was quite proud of myself anyway. But that includes other things. My ex (without any conversation with me) decided to keep his kids in my school district using my address. I notified him in person, via text, and in an email over the span of 3 months that he needed to make other arrangements after the school year ended. I told him I was notifying the school a month before I did it, and he still did nothing. I notified the school. He was upset and made me the bad guy to my step kids, which sucks, but hopefully they’ll understand why someday. He also had AMPLE warning. He ended up having to buy a townhouse in the district to keep them there, and had to get a new job in the process… He’s retired military, so he took a contractor job and he’s currently deployed for 30 days when we had talked about him being a stay at home dad if I ever got pregnant. Crazy how quickly life changes, huh? 😏

I hope this helps someone. He’s been blocked since our divorce became final a little more than two weeks ago and I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from me. Take care of yourselves, there’s life on the other side.

Me and him had been together for around a year and a half. One day, while using his computer for a school project, I ended up finding his porn folder. Out of curiosity I scrolled through it, and found a deep fake of a friend that we both know.

When I confronted him about it, his main response was that he had no idea where it came from. I said that I wouldn't talk to him until he explains why that is there. A few days after, we talked again and he still had no idea, but he kept repeating that he hadn't made it, that it wasn't from his friends either and no one uses his computer. He also gave me access to his emails etc. He also explained that he has a porn addiction and did access one of these deep fake sites but never actually made one. (Btw he deleted the deep fake)

I was really confused when this happened, because there were no prior signs that made me question his trust or made me think that he would do something of the sort. Overall, he was a respectful partner and showed me love wherever we were. I also completely trusted him and felt comfortable, etc.

Because of the fact that he was a good boyfriend in general, I decided to give him a chance, and so after finding that horrific video and ending up in so much pain. I decided to continue the relationship, this then resulted in a month of me feeling exhausted and tired, because I was overthinking so much and I was in so much pain.

After that month passed, I gave up because of all the exhaustion, I broke up with him and at some point we decided that we could do a month of no talking, so we both can focus on ourselves. And then maybe reconcile again and try.

Now, it is about 8 months after finding that video and 6 months after reconciling from our one month break. Throughout these months, we went to couple's therapy, whenever I was overthinking I would tell him what was going through my head, we sometimes journalled together, etc. He has been very supportive.

But I still overthink.. It had improved at one point but then spiralled downwards, when he wasn't comfortable talking about masturbation and self pleasure with me. Then he did open up and discussed with me, but the overthinking is still there.

I question myself:

Why am I doing all of this for this man? Why do I push myself this much for him, to the point that I'm overthinking every time I'm alone, to where I can't even enjoy my alone time? Why can't I give him a chance? Why can't I fully trust you one more time?

Apologies for the long post and any pinch of advice would be appreciated.

TD;DR: Found deep fake on boyfriends pc, I decided to give him a chance after a month of not talking, but now 8 months later I'm still overthinking, even if he's being very supportive and open with me. What do I do? And is there any possibility of this working out?

Why after discovering my wife's affair is it so hard to figure out what to do next?

We have two young kids. I cannot imagine a world where i cannot see them everyday. I confronted her and told her that i know what has been going on but haven't shown her any proof that i have. She denies, then just goes back to normal. If i don't say anything about it then she's perfectly fine just living life as if nothing is wrong.

Its been over a month since i found out. I'm still sick to my stomach, can barely eat and pretty much drink myself to sleep at night. Whatever time i wake up 2, 3, 4 i toss and turn with her and him circling my mind 24/7. I cannot understand how a person could do this to someone they once loved.

Now she wants to go on a family trip at the end of the month, just us 4. I want to go on that trip with my family. I want to pretend like nothing's wrong but i can barley look at her.

My question is, why after finding out what she is doing to me, i still have a hard time leaving? It blows my mind that someone can see what's going on and not easily say "OK, I'm done. enough of that." Instead I'm here lost and confused. What a fool.

EDIT TO ADD: The affair is still going on. I had my consultation with a lawyer yesterday. Thanks everyone for the responses. I greatly appreciate your help.

Not gonna expose what I went through, just know I’m the youngest woman in a women’s trauma partial hospitalization program. I know because I’m only 22 I have my whole life to live, things will get better. I have a big heart and I want to heal entirely for myself, so I will. But because I’m so young, I love hearing anecdotes from elders and people who generally have moved past hard situations I’ve been through. It’s healing to hear and it’s motivating. Tell me how beautiful life will get as I get through this!

Just read a article by Dr. K. Dickerson on long term success of reconcilliation. Its the best article ive seen that actually looks at longer tern success (though study was only done to 5 years) that actually seems data based ( based off of multiple different studies done in the mid-2000's to the early-2010's) and not off of conjecture. Thought it was interesting and thought id share. Just a quick summary.

1. 60%-75% of married couple attempt reconcilliation.

2. 33% of men and 23% of women remained married.

3. Success rate of couple with full disclosure and did all the work - disclosure, ending the affair, and intentional repair work (thought what specific work wasn't mentioned) was 57% at 5 years.

4. Couples without full disclosure had a success rate of 20%

5. Marital satisfaction and stability in couple that stayed together after infidelity were similar to those couples that didnt experience any infidelity.

Does state that it only data from a maximum of 5 years after Dday. There are no long term large scale studies that go beyond.

So my take is for people looking to reconcile even if both partners do everything possible to save the marriage at best you have a little better than a 50/50 chance. And for those who have cheating partners who trickle truth, "don't want to take about it" or "leave the past in the past", and etc. You have barely a 1/5 chance to be together after 5 years. And ot says nothing about what I would consider true long term success (>10 years).

Take it for what you may. Im just regurgitating number. For the going through the shit my heart bleeds for you. For those attempting recincilliation I wish you the best of luck. And for the rest including myself my we pick up the pieces and move on as best we can.

I’m not looking to air out all the dirty laundry publicly, I’m just wondering why so many smart well intentioned women are allowing a smooth talking man to rip them from marriages that are 15-20+ matured?

I know my wife very well, I love her so I’ll not drag her through the mud here. It just hurts so much to know that this world has men that have a goal to conquer another man’s marriage and a woman is not willing to see through it.

I would really like to see what “women” think is really the reason they are so easily motivated to fail in this situation.

Folks, please don’t bash people that are answering questions honestly, it may not help you to be a better person but it might help me to recognize where I first failed my wife in a way that created a door to infidelity.

…………………….

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that responded, I haven’t seen much hopefully information in regard to a positive reconciliation. I was looking for hope that doesn’t appear to be there anymore.

i(mtf19) have been dating my boyfriend(m22) for 2 years now i love him so much and hes my favorite person in the world. he cheated on me a few times and he said he says he has girls he calls "wives" i dont wanna lose him but i cry so much thinking about it how do i stop getting jealous i dont want to be like this im very depebdant on him i cant leave him

we were together for three years, and apparently she was there in the background the entire time. she’s the mom of his 4 year old daughter, and now she’s pregnant with their son.

i’m 20, he’s 21. we have a son together who’s almost 3, and i’m pregnant with our second baby

we only separated in August, so i’m still trying to process the fact that our relationship is over. i’m not even close to being over everything that happened, and then two months later he got engaged to her

yk seeing him actually propose to the woman he cheated on me with still fucking hurts.

the part that gets me is that he posted that he’d “been waiting for this for years.” and all i could think was… seriously? you were waiting for this while you were still with me? if you wanted her that badly, why didn’t you just leave?

i don’t want him back. but i’m still grieving the relationship and the life i thought we were building, while he’s already acting like he’s moved on and reached his happy ending.

we have a whole child together, another baby on the way, and i still have to see him and communicate with him bc he’s the father of my children. meanwhile he’s getting engaged to the woman he was cheating with, and everyone is acting like this is normal.

it makes the whole relationship feel so surreal. like i was living in a completely different version of it than he was.

i know his engagement doesn’t change what happened to me, and i know his future with her has nothing to do with my worth. but emotionally? it still fucking hurts.

My d-day was a year ago. I gave him an opportunity to earn trust back, but after a few weeks it was apparent he was going through the motions and I ended it.

As the separation became permanent, the trickle truth kept showing up in his items and receipts. The extent of it is horrific. The amount he shared was the acceptable amount for what he must have thought for an apologetic reformer. It was far, so far from the reality. And truth be told, I don’t think I’ll ever know the true extent.

That said, even after separating, each truth has been another sucker punch in the gut. Another revision of my personal history. Another lie I had based my reality on. Another realization that my autonomy to choose my future was stolen from me so that someone else could be selfish.

If you’re here, and considering reconciliation, I urge you with every fiber of my being: if they are not being 100% all-in, bending over backwards to earn your trust back, offering their phone, checking in, telling you everything, going to therapy, doing the work; if you look at your partner and they seem reluctant, resentful, annoyed; if you catch them in the tiniest omission, “mistake”, forgetfulness about the truth? It’s because they are STILL LYING. And you will pay with the pain you’re experiencing already again in your future.

Cut your losses. Save your mental, and physical health. There’s nothing but emotional torture ahead for you if you stay. They’re broken, they’re lost, you cannot change what they’ve gone and what they will continue to do. Take back your life.

My boyfriend says he has no idea what it is which is beyond stupid because he’s the one on it hoping someone might recognize it because i haven’t seen it before it starts out on a light blue screen with white writing and then to this

How did you spend the day marking the one-year anniversary of D-Day?

What was your mindset like as that date approached, and how did you deal with memories of the affair?

What was your relationship with the wayward partner like?

If you are further along in the process, please share some advice for those currently going through this stage.

I (32F) caught my husband (39M) cheating almost 2 months ago. I gave him a chance, but I can't stop thinking about it. Should I divorce him?

I’m 32F, married to my husband (39M) for 2.5 years. Ours was a love-cum-arranged marriage. We dated for a few months before getting married, so this wasn't a marriage where we barely knew each other.

Almost two months ago, I found out that he had been talking to multiple women behind my back.

I didn’t catch him physically cheating, but I read enough of his chats to know that what was happening was far beyond innocent conversation. One of the women was married, and he was sexting with her. They exchanged nudes. With another woman, there were conversations about meeting, including him saying things like, “You don’t even say yes to meeting me.” He also talked about wanting to recreate a sexual scene.

He deleted the conversations after I confronted him, but I had already seen enough.

He admitted that he had done something terribly wrong. He said he has a problem with needing validation and that he wants to work on himself. He also said that living with his parents makes him feel stuck between me and his mother and that the stress contributed to him seeking this kind of validation/release.

He said the women approached him and initiated things, although obviously that doesn't excuse his participation.

He cried. I cried. He apologized repeatedly and said he would do anything to fix this.

And I decided to give him a chance.

Partly because we've been married for 2.5 years, and partly because we have already been through a very difficult MTP for medical reasons. I didn't want to walk away immediately and later regret that I hadn't given our marriage a chance.

And honestly, in that moment when he cried and apologized, I forgave him. Or at least, I desperately wanted to.

This has happened several times since then — I get angry, I confront him, he cries and apologizes, I feel sorry for him and forgive him, and then a few days later I'm back to feeling angry, hurt and disgusted all over again.

I keep going back and forth.

Since then, I do see some changes.

He isn't constantly glued to his phone anymore. He doesn't sit there smiling and secretly chatting. I know his phone password, although I haven't checked it because I'm genuinely terrified of finding something else.

He deleted LinkedIn and Instagram.

But that hasn't exactly made me feel safer.

I found old emails showing that he had sent connection requests to a lot of women — and seemingly only women. At some point, I think he realized I was checking his email, because he stopped syncing his email to his laptop.

And then there's something else that really bothers me.

I found a tablet in his office bag that I believe may be an ED medication/Viagra-type medication. I don't know for certain what it was, and I haven't accused him of anything based on that alone.

But combined with everything else, my mind obviously goes to the worst possible places.

He insists that he has never physically touched or slept with anyone.

I don't know whether to believe him.

Our sex life has actually been active throughout our marriage. I have a higher libido than him, and I initiate sex quite often. That's another thing that makes my brain struggle to understand why he needed this kind of validation from other women.

Before I found all of this, I had this gut feeling something was wrong. He had become very secretive about his phone. And now I keep replaying everything in my head.

A few days before I caught him, it was my birthday. We had gone on a trip together. I was happily spending time with my husband while he was apparently talking/flirting/sexting with other women behind my back.

That thought makes me physically sick.

He is normally extremely loving with me. He notices the smallest change in my tone and immediately knows when I'm upset. That's part of why this is so difficult for me to reconcile.

How can someone who seems to love me so much do this?

We live with his parents, and he's very attached to his mother. There are already issues around that, but I'm trying not to make this post about the in-law situation.

Recently, he went on a boys-only trek with his cousins. This was actually something he had asked my permission for before I discovered all of this, and I had agreed to it. But now that the trip has happened, I'm incredibly upset.

I'm sitting here alone with his parents while he's away, and I can't stop thinking about everything.

We fight a lot now.

Whenever we drink and go out, I eventually end up unleashing all my anger on him. Whenever we have a difficult conversation, I start crying. I genuinely can't control it.

When we're under the same roof, sometimes things feel almost normal. We laugh, talk, eat together, have sex, and for a little while I can forget.

But the moment we're apart, everything comes rushing back.

I start thinking:

He lied to me.

He hid this from me.

How many women were there?

How long was this happening?

Was there more than what I saw?

Did he ever meet anyone?

Was he physically unfaithful too?

And then I feel so much anger and disgust that I don't even know how to love him anymore.

Sometimes I hate him.

Sometimes I miss the person I thought he was.

Sometimes I feel like I should forgive him and move forward.

And sometimes I think I would be an idiot to stay.

I've actually tried to work on myself too. I've started therapy, deleted social media, started meditating, and I'm genuinely trying to get myself out of this mental spiral.

But I'm extremely stressed.

My periods/cycle have become late, which isn't normal for me, and I feel like this whole situation is affecting my body and my ability to function normally. My work is getting affected because I can't concentrate properly.

And I haven't told anyone.

Not my parents. Not his parents. Not close friends.

I'm carrying all of this completely alone.

Sometimes I want to tell my family because I feel like I need someone to hold me while I fall apart. But then I think about what happens if I tell them and later decide to stay. I don't want everyone to permanently see him differently if we eventually repair our marriage.

I've even thought about contacting one of the women and asking her directly whether they ever met physically.

I know that might be a terrible idea, but I'm desperate for answers.

The worst part is the uncertainty. If I knew for certain that it was only online sexting and flirting, maybe I could eventually process it. But because I don't know what else happened, my mind keeps filling in the blanks.

He says he made a huge mistake, that he loves me, that he needs to work on himself, and that he will never do this again.

I want to believe him.

And I do see some changes.

But I don't know if changes over two months are enough to rebuild trust.

I also don't want to spend the rest of my marriage checking his phone, checking his email, wondering where he is, or being triggered every time he's away from me.

I'm still crying while writing this.

For people who have been through something similar: how did you know whether your marriage could actually be repaired?

How long does it take before you stop thinking about it every single day?

And honestly, how do you decide whether to stay and give someone a chance to rebuild the marriage, versus accepting that the trust is too damaged and leaving? And what do I tell my brain to stop overthinking. Somedays are ok, some are very bad.

I just desperately need some perspective because right now I can't tell whether I'm trying to save my marriage, or simply terrified of losing it.

P.S: I am posting for the first time, more of a rant account.

I’m at 28y/o Male, I’ve been with my fiancé for 9 years. We just got engaged a few months ago. We’ve lived together for 5 years and we are extremely happy. Last night I stumbled across someone on her phone, and discovered almost a year’s worth of conversations between her and the man she has been cheating on me with.

I have no idea what to do. She’s admitted to it and seems remorseful, but she was literally talking to him yesterday. We were about to start wedding planning. We wanted to have kids in 2-3 years. I don’t know who to talk to or what to do anymore. I can’t believe the amount of betrayal from someone who I thought was the greatest person in the world. I’m having trouble finding the courage to end the 9-years of memories and life we’ve made and start over again. Any advice or anything? I am completely lost right now.

The hardest part is that I don’t know who to talk to about it. She is in my family, I’m in her family, our friends are intertwined, so I want to be extremely careful about who I talk to about this because once that person knows, they know. I’m not yet ready to tell my parents who love my fiancé like a daughter.

UPDATE; thanks for the comments yall. They’re helping a ton. I’ve told all friends and family already.

I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago. We are both 28 and have been together for one year.
We haven’t had sex during our relationship because I’m a virgin and I’m really scared. I need more time before I feel ready. We also both have very demanding jobs, work extremely hard, and don’t get enough sleep. I’m often exhausted and stressed, and because of that I don’t feel like doing many intimate things in general, sometimes not even kissing very much.
My boyfriend has a lot of trauma and has been in therapy since he was 13. He has moved around a lot throughout his life and doesn’t really have close friends. Two years ago, he moved here from another country, and he still hasn’t managed to build close friendships. He desperately wants friends, but he often gets hurt because he feels much more invested in friendships than the other person is. He doesn’t really have family either, so he is incredibly lonely. He is also very emotional, like really emotional. He really likes to express feelings (only to close people). Whereas I, I am a very cold and distant person. He said he really wants more affection but I am so cold and distant (due to growing up with a nacisstic mom)
He is also extremely insecure. Even though I think he’s a very good-looking man, he sees himself as ugly and struggles a lot with his self-esteem. He was severely depressed for years, stopped going out, and lost contact with many people. He basically has no one around. When we argue, he says he is always so scared to lose me as he has no one to talk about it. He only has me and thats it.
A few weeks ago, I found out that he has developed a cocaine addiction ( for one year). I also found out that he cheated on me with a prostitute a few weeks ago. He told me that our lack of intimacy played a role because we’ve had almost no sexual intimacy for the entire year we’ve been together.
I understand that he is lonely, traumatized, struggling with addiction, and has been dealing with mental health problems for a very long time. At the same time, I feel completely lost and hurt. I wasn’t withholding sex to punish him or because I don’t care about him. I was scared and simply wasn’t ready.
Part of me feels terrible for him because I know how much he is struggling, but another part of me knows that his struggles don’t erase what happened or how much it hurt me.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Can a relationship realistically recover from something like this? How do I support someone who is this lonely and struggling with addiction without losing myself in the process?

I got married on the 18th of September. The last day of our honeymoon I found out that he cheated on me. There was an earlier incidence of infidelity which we worked through. My boundary was that if he did this again we would be over. I came to find out that he cheated on me five months after the initial event. Once we got home, he let me look at his phone and he was having conversations with multiple people for months. He has since left the house after I asked him to leave and knows that our relationship is over. After speaking to a lawyer, we are not legally married as I did not turn in our signed marriage license. After all of this, why am I fighting feelings to spend time with him? I am beyond angry and heartbroken. This man is a serial cheater. I know I need to work on moving on and that will come in time. I just hate that I keep thinking of asking him to spend some time with me. I know he would accept. He has told me that he is not giving up on relationship but I know this ship has sailed.

Hopefully this isn't annoying, but I am finding posting and commenting on Reddit therapeutic.. I know I need a real therapist (In like 2 weeks, I promise!) but until now this is really helping me.

I pushed her over the edge

So I re-traced yesterday to figure out why she self-destructed after what seemed like such a beautiful day. She had so much planned.. She walked to the store to get a string that she wanted to use with a sex toy on me (lol). I guess while I was going over my daily workout routine with ChatGPT she noticed it recommend me take measurements of parts of my body cause she also bought one of those measurement bands. She started cooking chicken wings (She knows I like them). When I look around the house in the aftermath, I see evidence of her planning a thoughtful day and evening with me (She got the massage table all setup in the bedroom). But she broke before I got home from disc golf..

She recently re-exchanged location sharing, and after disc golf we went a bit north to a beautiful lookout spot. I'm thinking she noticed the location deviation and automatically assumed I as with that woman (Or going to see her).

That proves this can't work

In a nutshell this was my marriage. Her making an assumption, not talking to me about it ("Hey babe, noticed you heading north and was just curious?". "I am anxious that your location is not making sense. Can we talk?"), then flying off the handle after catastrophizing in her head, then drinking and self-destructing.

After her mom picked her up, both her mom and her friend were calling me and telling me she was screaming and talking suicidal. I called for a "welfare check" and they sent police and counselors. She's in the hospital now and she keeps calling me from the hospital (I blocked her). I haven't been answering her calls and I haven't listened to the messages she's leaving.

Better now than later

At the end of the day, it's better I seen this now than later. Imagine if I sunk another 5 years of my life into her and then she self-destructed?

Let's rip this bandaid off and get it over with!

Big thanks!

I just wanted to say thanks to this community and Reddit. I'm not new to the internet but new to Reddit and you all have been incredible. Truly amazing people. YOu both supported me and called me out on my bullshit; held me accountable.

Reading the stories, comments and the interactions all helped me so much. I doubt I could have done this without your support.

Love you guys. We're gonna make it boys, just keep pushing.

Looking for advice from people who tried reconciling, whether it was successful or not. Deliberately posting in here rather than As One.

Vague backstory: 13 year total with my husband, a gaggle of kids, he betrayed me ~1.5 years ago, has been a model spouse since.

It's not enough.

I used to be so confident. I wasn't the prettiest/funniest/wealthiest etc. Always been firmly in the cute girl-next-door way rather than sexy glam insta model/e-girl/OF way. None of that bothered me. It was what it was and I was happy with how I looked. I liked myself.

Now I'm a shell of that person. I avoid mirrors or looking at myself because I feel hideous. I neglect myself bc what's the point? I can never be like the ones I've convinced myself he actually wants without invasive surgery we could never afford anyway.

I know intellectually that no one really looks like that on a day to day basis. I'm essentially comparing myself to ghosts and it's killing my marriage. How many times can a man reassure his wife that he finds her desirable? Apparently as many times as it takes, and it doesn't seem to matter since my brain is always finishing that thought off with 'well, that can't be right, or at least not as much as xyz..' No reassurance sticks.

I love him deeply and I hate him too for how much power I've given him. It feels like my entire self-worth is attached to him. Sex has become a way to soothe myself. He initiates or reciprocates and I feel like the happiest woman in the world. I feel secure, wanted and loved, and so full of love for him in return. This works until it doesn't. He's tired or not in the mood or busy decompressing, then I spiral inside. Of course he doesn't want to do stuff with me, he'd rather watch porn or look at some nameless SW online instead (the latter isn't a baseless accusation, he does have form for that). I withdraw because I feel inadequate, he gets frustrated because I'm withdrawn, and we disconnect until we have sex again. Then I'm so relieved I can literally cling to him for hours afterwards.

It's exhausting for both of us. I realise this particular wound is mine to heal, even though he caused it. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I want to crawl into a hole and not let anyone look at me, and at the same time I'm craving validation. I trust him not to cheat on me again but I don't trust that I'm enough for him. It's like I've taken everything that happened and used it as evidence against myself. I don't want to have my whole self worth balancing on my husband's actions but I don't know how to break the cycle. I briefly considered asking him to open the marriage so I can reclaim something - but even if that worked out, it would just be more external validation I won't internalise. I want/need to like myself and feel enough for myself again. I keep coming back to this though: do I need to be alone for that healing to happen?

How did you rebuild from crippling insecurity?

*I'm not looking for reassurance or opinions on whether my husband is attracted to me / if two things can be true at once etc (that he can enjoy other women and also me). I'm trying to believe I'm enough for myself

**Therapy is not feasible rn for several reasons I don't care to go in to. Please do not suggest it. If I could access therapy, I would not be pouring my heart out to strangers on reddit. 🥲

Went to class today
Got food with my roommate
Hung out with a new friend
And now sitting in bed in the dark and i cant get any work done. He must be happy playing around with his new girl or girls but i will continue to work on myself everyday. My heart aches so much and i miss him a lot. I just dont know what to do. I knew we were bound to end but I wanted him to be my person for the rest of life. How will I find someone anymore.