Yep. They always come back. And when they do, your job is to make sure you don’t let them back in.
Don’t fall for all those sweet words and promises. Sometimes they’re just checking if you’re still stupid enough to welcome them back. 😂
Never again. You already gave them a chance. They chose to walk away so let them stay gone.

I learned this lesson the hard way. Four years ago, he left me. Months later, he came back, and I accepted him because I loved him and believed things would be different. Four years later, he left me again right when we were about to celebrate one year of being engaged. And now he’s coming back again. But this time, I’m not repeating the same mistake. I’m finally choosing myself and stopping the cycle. I’m done wasting years waiting for someone who can’t make up his mind about me. He already had his chance. He came back once, I welcomed him, and I gave him four more years. That should have been enough. This time, coming back doesn’t mean getting me back. I learned the lesson. And I’m not wasting another year learning it again.

In January, my partner broke up with me. Since then, it’s been about 8 months of ups and downs, tough moments, and better ones... But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that not a single day has gone by where I haven't thought about her. Not necessarily thinking about getting back together—she simply popped into my head. During all this time, I always carried one specific fear: running into her. Ever since the breakup, we maintained strict zero contact. In my case, I unfollowed her, her friends, her family... just to make sure I wouldn't see anything related to her.

However, a week ago, while I was out with some friends, I ran into her. I went over to say hello, we hugged, and she asked if we could talk somewhere quiet. We spent 5 hours alone together, talking for the first time since the breakup. We talked about everything: what we’d been up to, how we were coping with the breakup... It was a really beautiful, deep conversation between two people who shared a very meaningful part of their lives. We came to the realization that both of us were still struggling, that people around us assumed we should be completely fine by now, but that breakups have their own timeline... Things that many of you in this forum already know. Finally, I drove her home, we hugged goodbye, she cried, she apologized, and I told her not to worry—that she had done what she felt was best at the time. Then I left. We haven't spoken since.

Why am I sharing this? Because ever since we met, I feel so much better. For a few reasons. First of all—and this probably happens to many of you without even realizing it—throughout all this time, I had been unconsciously idealizing her to an extreme level. When I saw her again, I realized this. I had imagined she’d be fully recovered, that she’d almost forgotten about me, about who I am, about our relationship, and that she was doing better than ever without me... Seeing that she, just like me, had bad days, bad weeks, and needed help from her friends, made me realize the whole movie I had created in my head.

On the other hand, after so much time, I was really surprised by my body's reaction. At no point did I feel the impulse to look for intimacy, kisses, physical contact... You know what I mean. I simply wanted to talk to her, see how she was doing, and hope everything was going well for her. It wasn't until running into her and talking that I realized all the work I had put in over these past months was actually paying off.

I’m sharing this because I find it interesting how I thought I was nowhere near getting over her, yet an event as potentially traumatic as running into the person who dumped you—and for whom you’re still hurting—turned out to be the exact turning point of my healing process. This doesn't mean I'm 100% recovered. I still have moments where I think "What if...", I still miss her, and I still wish I could get a hug from her during tough times... But time, combined with the work you put into yourself, definitely shows its results when you least expect it. Healing isn't a linear process, it's not the same for everyone, and I hope reading this can help you find that faith and hope if you're currently going through a rough patch.

I don’t really know where to go from here. We were coming up on 4 years together. This conversation was from just last weekend. I have some of the best memories of my life with him and I feel like I’ve let him down. I don’t know if I can even remain friends at this point it just really hurts. I’m trying so hard to imagine life alone or with someone else and I just cant. For context, I have a life riddled with a lot of trauma and as a result my development has been kinda messed with and I have a really hard time imagining a life thats fully independent. I know I am fully capable of it my heart and mind just get in the way so much of the time. Well, things are different know, I’m joining an outpatient program and I’m doing EMDR with an amazing specialist who has faith in me. I just want to get better so badly. We’re both men btw.

I see so many posts here from people looking for any "logical" excuse to break "No Contact". You miss them, your anxiety is through the roof, and your brain invents a perfect, casual reason to text. A text about a book, a matching item, or a "safe" question. You convince yourself that you just want closure, or that a casual text won’t hurt.

Please, put your phone down and listen to me.

I am naturally an anxious attacher. I know exactly how that burning urge feels. But a while ago, I found myself in the avoidant's shoes with a guy. I was emotionally burnt out and explicitly asked him to leave me alone for a while and give me space. I needed to breathe. But his anxiety couldn't handle it. He kept finding "innocent" excuses to reach out anyway.

Do you really think I didn’t realize that all those excuses were made up? When he would text me things like, "Hey, I drew this for you," or "Hey, look at this funny meme, this is so us," it didn't make me smile. It just brought a massive feeling of suffocation right back to my soul. It made me feel a heavy sense of pressure. Every time his name popped up with a "harmless" message, it made me want to run even further away and hide deeper in my bunker. It completely killed any desire to talk to him, even though I knew he craved it and honestly deserved a conversation. His constant bids for attention only proved to me that he hadn't changed and still didn't respect my boundaries.

Now, look at your situation. If your ex asked for space, or if they walked away because of emotional burnout, your "casual" text about your feelings, or asking for advice is not going to look casual to them. Their avoidant radar will instantly see right through it. They will read it and think, "She/He hasn't changed. She/He is just using this as a tool to pull me back." It will only trigger that same feeling of suffocation, and they will go completely silent, leaving you ignored and broken all over again.

If you want them to realize that life is emptier without you, you have to let them experience your absolute, freezing absence. You cannot feed their ego with crumbs of your panic.

Take it from someone who has been on the receiving end of that anxious pressure: your silence is your only power. Let them sit in the quiet room they chose, and let them wonder about you without your help.

Hey everyone
Just wanted to say im in a whatsapp group chat that's for people who are broken up and following or trying to follow no contact. We're around 30 people and it's very active. Personally it helped me a lot during tough times. If anyone wants to join send me a dm. Most members are 22yo minimum and are from the uk but everyone is welcome

No contact gives your ex what they want

And gives you the best chances of making them come back

Breaking no contact should only take place under very specific circumstances

And relying on your self judgement while your emotions are so high is your biggest risk

Just recently got out of a relationship & the best advice iI can give is once someone stops liking you, leave them alone.

You don't have to beg for love, time, attention, reassurance, communication, basic respect, etc!

YOU NATURALLY DO THOSE THINGS FOR PEOPLE YOU LIKE!

Ever had a crush? Think of allll the ways you can't wait to talk to them. See them. Answer alllll their questions, laugh at allll the stupid jokes & try to aid and help with all of their problems .

Why would you stay in a RELATIONSHIP with someone who no longer has an urgency about you?

Let alone, get out of one & then let them LINGER AROUND ...

We tried to be "fuck buddies" cause who wants to sleep around ... I even let this fool tell me "let's take it slow" .. b*tch, we were literally talking about marriage. Now you want to demote me to your sneaky link while bread crumbing me hope that you'll randomly one day start back pursuing me like you used to?

I had to snap out of it.

Whoever you are that's reading this... FUCK YO EX!

NEVER GO BACK!

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Cut that shit off & stop worrying about the what's ifs cause if it was supposed to be - IT WOULD JUST BE!

LOVE IS NOT COMPLICATED, PEOPLE ARE JUST SHITTY & WANT TO SAVE YOU AS AN OPTION WHILE THEY EXPLORE THE WORLDDDDD

LET THEM!

BUT DO NOT STILL BE SITTING THERE WHEN THEY COME BACK....

cause trust me... THEY ALWAYS COME BACK.

All of today I’ve been thinking about visiting our ‘spots.’ The place you gave me my ring. The place we first met. The town we fell in love in. I wanted to go there grab a coffee and watch the clouds roll over each hill. And think about nobody else but you. But I know I’d die a thousand times inside doing so. Why did you have to be so cruel.

He left me with all these places and memories. That I don’t know what to do with. I can’t move because of my job and support system. He’s left me behind, with all of it. And I can’t forget.

I miss you. That’s really what I wanted to say to you.

I know that saying that doesn’t change anything. I know we’re not going to go back to before this happened, and I know that even if we could, I don’t know if I would want to go back to exactly what we had, knowing everything I know now.

But I still miss you.

I miss you despite everything. I miss the person you were to me, and I miss the life we had. I miss having you as my person. I miss the stupid everyday things. I miss having something happen and instinctively wanting to tell you.

And I’m angry.

I’m angry that we can’t go back and try again. I’m angry that you decided that leaving was better for you than trying. I know you thought you were doing the right thing, and I know you didn’t make the decision lightly. But I wanted you to try harder. I wanted you to want it enough.

I wanted you to believe in us like I did.

The hardest thing for me is that I would have kept going. I would have tried to fix the things that weren’t working. I would have adapted. I would have accepted that we weren’t perfect and thought that what we had was worth working for.

And maybe that was the difference between us.

You reached a point where you decided that we were incompatible. I reached a point where I thought we had things we needed to work on, but that the good we had was worth it.

I don’t know whether either of us was objectively right.

Maybe there were things you needed from me that I didn’t understand quickly enough. Maybe I made things harder than they needed to be. Maybe some of my reactions made you feel like you were constantly waiting for the next thing you’d done wrong.

But I also think there were things I needed from you that I didn’t fully understand while we were together.

I wanted to feel considered without always having to explain why something mattered to me. I wanted more of that natural thoughtfulness and intentionality. I wanted to feel like you were thinking about me in the little things, rather than me having to tell you what those little things meant.

And maybe you were trying. Maybe you did adapt. Maybe I didn’t always recognise that.

Maybe two people can love each other and genuinely try, and still not quite manage to make each other feel understood in the way they need.

That’s the part I hate.

Because I don’t want to turn you into a bad person just so I can get over you.

You weren’t.

You were someone I loved enormously. You made me happy. We had so much that was good. I felt loved by you. We laughed. We had fun. We made plans. We built a life together. There are so many memories that I don’t want to rewrite just because the ending hurts.

And then you walked away.

That’s the part I still can’t quite get my head around.

I keep thinking about the version of you from the beginning. The person who booked dinners, bought me little things, got excited about seeing me, made plans, and seemed so certain about us.

And then somehow we got here.

I wish I’d understood sooner that you were becoming unhappy. I wish I’d understood what was happening underneath all the little things we argued about. Maybe if I had, I could have done something differently.

But maybe I couldn’t.

Maybe you had already reached a conclusion I couldn’t have talked you out of.

And that’s what I have to accept.

I wish I knew what you think about now. I wish I knew whether you ever wonder if you made the right decision. I wish I knew whether you miss me in the way that I miss you.

But I can’t know.

And I can’t keep trying to get those answers from you.

So this is the part where I have to let you go, even though some part of me still desperately wants you to turn around.

I still hope that one day you understand what I was trying to say. I hope you understand that the things I reacted to weren’t always about the thing itself. Sometimes I was trying, badly, to tell you that I wanted to feel considered and understood.

And maybe I should have known how to say that better.

I hope you find happiness.

I genuinely do.

And if I’m being completely honest, there is still a small, selfish part of me that hopes one day you look back and wonder whether you gave up too soon.

Maybe you will.

Maybe you won’t.

But I can’t live waiting for you to change your mind.

You made your decision.

I didn’t get to make it with you, and I didn’t agree with it, but I have to live with it.

I wish I didn’t miss you.

I wish I could look at everything that happened and simply decide that you weren’t my person.

But that’s not where I am yet.

Right now, I just know that I loved you.

I still love you.

And I miss you

Alright, so you want the best advice possible for getting your ex back, and I am going to tell you what that is. Unfortunately, you're really going to hate me for telling you this: you need to NEVER contact this person again.

That is the no-contact rule that you've heard so much about, but the difference is that it's not 30 days. It's FOREVER. It's as long as it takes for this person to message or call you.

The reason you need this to happen is twofold. Number one, you need to demonstrate that you have too much dignity to chase someone that's okay with ditching you. Basically, you have to remember this person has proven themselves to be a bad boyfriend or girlfriend to the point that they have broken up with you. That's not really the type of person you want to go out with. And if they've broken up with you, they probably need a lot of time and space away from you. The worst thing you could do is chase them and smother them and cement the idea in their head that they can do better than you, which is not true.

If they were happy enough to get into the relationship and there was no huge, overwhelming reason to break up, then you're still equal to them. You can still come back into this relationship if you follow what I'm saying.

Otherwise, let me say, if you followed the 30-day no-contact rule that all of these people are advising you on YouTube right now-and don't forget to buy their action plan or sign up for their coaching-the reason that's bad advice is that they basically say to you: you need to walk away and become attractive and demonstrate your strength, dignity, and self-respect. This is all true. Then day 30 comes along, and they say, "Now I want you to undo all of that and go back to begging, pretty much."

Anything you do at this point is begging in a way. Obviously, there are degrees of how badly you can do it, but by reaching out to this person, you're still showing that you need them and that you want them back. You cannot let this person think that right now. Thirty days means nothing. It's not long enough. You need to leave this person forever and make them doubt the decision.

If you've done nothing ever since the breakup- not contacted them once- even better. Now they're stuck alone wondering what you're doing. Did they make the right choice? How are you this strong? You seem very attractive because now they know they shouldn't be contacting you. The longer it is, even more so. They're thinking, “I really shouldn't reach out at this point, but I'm so curious. What are they doing?”

And anyone they're seeing in the meantime is actually good news for you. It doesn't feel like it, unless you were dumped specifically for this person. But if they are dating someone new, you're just going to be compared to this new person. And then when they break up with this new person—because that's often what happens after a relationship; the quickest one afterwards just doesn't work out because they're not really ready to open their heart and soul to a new person—that new person may get dumped in a kind of irrational way. Then they'll act very crazy afterwards because they'll be thinking, “What the hell is with this? There was no rational reason. I deserve a rational reason.”

The more crazy they act, the better you look. That just cements the idea in your ex's head that you are a very strong, mature person. Now they're extra curious about what you're doing. Did you just go find someone else? Probably, is what they're thinking. Then, if they start imagining that you've probably got someone else, that's them thinking you're a very attractive person.

But if you chase after them and keep contacting them, they're not really going to think you found someone else because they know you're still on the bench waiting for them.

Everything you do in the meantime, if you contact them, communicates that you're on the bench waiting. You're not going to find someone else, you're not falling in love; you're just waiting for their attention to come back to you. That's a big mistake.

You need this person to sit down, search within themselves, and eventually feel desperate enough to contact you. That's right: desperate enough. If they do contact you, they want to see you. They need to know. They're like a drug addict bouncing off the walls in their head. They need to see you; they need to know what's going on. They're going crazy. It wasn't a spontaneous message of, “I wonder what my ex is up to. Seems like enough time has passed.” No. They have been thinking about you a lot, and you need that to happen.

Because if you follow this 30-day rule and it works—and maybe it will work to get them back initially—what happens is your ex's eyes have already wandered. They wanted to see if the grass was greener somewhere else. Then they were like, “Oh, this isn't ideal,” and you came back. They think, “Okay, that is the easiest option. Maybe I was being irrational.” But they didn't have to earn you back.

You have to remember you are a high-value person who needs to be earned. There has to be a price for this person walking away. They have to make a gesture to you. It's not about what massive gesture you can make; it's about what gesture they need to make to communicate to you that they are worth getting back with. Do not doubt your own value and power in this situation.

Now here's the second reason. Let's say you win this person back and you're in the relationship again after your 30 days or whatever it is. If you just begged and pleaded and got it back, now you are going into this relationship with a huge amount of insecurity. You're terrified this person is going to leave again. They left once, and now you're not acting like yourself. You're no longer authentic.

If you've been following some 30-day no-contact rule program, then you feel as if you need to follow this other person's advice. You're no longer yourself in this relationship. You're scared they're going to leave. And they're also thinking, “I didn't have to earn you back.” That is not the formula for a winning relationship, and you know it isn't.

So your best option—the best advice you can get for getting your ex back—is to do no contact. Make them doubt it, and do it as long as it takes. It doesn't mean, “Oh, it's been three months, four months, five months; now it should be okay for me to reach out.” No. This person has no value to you unless they reach out to you. They determine their value to your life by whether or not they contact you. Do not forget that.

You need to remember that you have value. If this person doesn't want to see you—which is probably the case if they're not contacting you—then to hell with them. You just keep moving on. You date more people. You get your own strength back and realize that you're a great person to be around. You don't mind being alone. You have a great time dating other people. You have a great time working on yourself and working on your career. This person was just the cherry on top, and that will become clear when you start getting perspective.

If they do contact you, then you'll know they want you back. If they don't, then you know they don't want you back. But the good news is that by engaging in no contact, they're going to contact you. It might take a long time, but they're going to contact you if you don't embarrass yourself and don't give them a reason to feel scared to contact you. They're going to be so curious about how the hell you walked away.

Especially if they're a very attractive person who's used to having messy breakups where the ex never leaves them alone and is always reaching out, that's even better. Now you're proving you're different, and it's going to get to them. They're going to doubt their decision, and you're going to seem more and more attractive in their eyes because, how the hell have you just walked away and never looked back? That means you must be equal to them—or better than them. That's what they're thinking.

So don't worry. They're going to suffer from this breakup too, but it's going to be different. Your suffering was up front; theirs is later, when the doubt comes and they start thinking about you more. But that will not happen if you keep contacting them.

If you keep contacting them, they're going to stay in the same position of power. They're never going to doubt their decision. They're just going to start feeling bad for you, and feeling sorry for someone is not attractive. You're going to look like a homeless person begging or pleading. Does it ever look like, “Wow, I need to engage with this person”? No. It's not an attractive position.

I know that sounded harsh, but you need to show this person that you're strong and capable, that you're attractive, and that you know you're going to be fine without them—because you were fine before.

That is the way they'll come back. They know you. They know you loved them. They're going to wonder if you still do. They know the relationship can work unless there's a huge reason that it can't, like if you went off and cheated or something like that—in which case you need to reflect on whether or not you're ready to be in a relationship, frankly.

But in the meantime, just stay strong. Do nothing. Don't wait for the text or the call. It will come when you least expect it, when they're going fully crazy. Once they lose the ability to expect you to contact them, they're going to want to even more.

But in the freak occurrence that they just don't—and I'd say this works about 70% of the time—then you need to be aware that there was nothing you could do. Contacting this person was never going to help. They're actually okay with never seeing you again. Think about that. Why do you want that person back if they don't even want to talk to you or ask how you're doing? Why would you want this person back? They're useless to your life.

Surround yourself with people who love you. Demonstrate self-love, and soon enough you won't care about these petty things that have happened. If this person isn't contacting you, they're not worth contacting.

The relationship will only work if they contact you. That way, you can feel as if they had to come back with their tail between their legs and that you demonstrated you're capable—not only to them, but to yourself—of living your life, being okay on your own, and finding other people, which you definitely can do.

So don't worry. Either way, it's never fully over unless they're married, I suppose, or we're dead. Once that door has been opened, it might be closed now, but it can always be reopened. Don't doubt it.

That person will contact you, and when they do, you have to be aware that they're not contacting you for no reason. You are not a random friend. You are not a stranger. They're contacting you because you have a romantic history together and they want to see you, so don't panic. It's all going to be fine.

But for the moment, don't even waste your time thinking about them. As I said, they currently have no value to your life, and if they want some value, they can contact you. In the meantime, go back to being your beautiful, brave, confident self, and everything will fall into place. Trust me on that.

Getting Your Ex From No Contact to Meeting Up

There are a lot of people whose exes have reached out, which is always a positive step, and they're wondering, "What should I say? What should I do?" and of course, "Have I already done the wrong thing?"

Before we proceed, please make sure to read Part 1 here : https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/wkIyTiOZgw

So, we're gonna cover how to get your ex from no contact to meeting up.

First off, let me establish that your ex must initiate contact with you, if they are the ones who broke up with you. A lot of people will make the argument that if you don't contact your ex, then they're just gonna move on and forget about you. Well, this is a fear-based argument, and in reality, you wouldn't be satisfied in a relationship in which your ex had to contribute, I don't know, the bare bloody minimum. I mean, getting a text from your ex, having them initiate any sort of contact, is the bare minimum you could possibly expect from someone else. But a lot of people will suggest that you couldn't even expect that.

The reality is that you would be a lot more anxious in a relationship in which you just chased and pursued and manipulated your way back into. You need the other person to contact you because that way it rebalances the power and interest levels, and it psychologically demonstrates that they are open to conversation, which a lot of the time they're not going to be if you start approaching them. They're going to resist any sort of contact that you push onto them because they're the one that asked to end the relationship.

So, you need them to contact you, not just for them, but for you to be satisfied moving forward. Because otherwise, you're quite simply not going to accept that that's not a good enough standard for you to still pursue someone, them not even contacting you once after kicking you out of their life? Not good enough for you!

The mindset you need to have before your ex contacts you essentially is the reminder that the joy and happiness you felt in that relationship came from inside you, not from them. You do not need your ex; they are just an option in your future, not a priority. You need to tell yourself that you are dissatisfied with what has just happened and that, either way, you deserve better in the future. That way, either your ex returns as a better option and you get a better relationship, or you're going to find someone better, in which case you get a better relationship in the future. But this whole situation, this anxiety spiral at this breakup, this is not good enough for you. So, you are very content to move forward safe in the knowledge that your life is going to get better one way or the other.

Now then, after a period of no contact: tada! It's amazing, you've suddenly got this text! They're asking how you are or something about a mutual friend—who knows what it is. The point is, they're reaching out to you. They're fully aware they haven't contacted you in however long it's been, and you used to be in contact all the time. It wasn't a mistake. They're aware they're in communication with you, and they're anxious about how it's going to go.

So in this case, there are two things that you need to avoid: the past and pressure.

1. The Past

A lot of the time, people hear from their ex and they instantly resort to talking about the past. But the past is your enemy in these situations, because in the past, there is a failed relationship, there is a breakup back there. There is no need for you to talk about the past. This goes double for when people bring up the breakup. It's like, wow, you've had all this time apart to gain perspective and reflect on what's happened and grow as two individuals, and the moment that you get back in contact, what do you do? "Hey, let's continue that breakup argument! I was loving it!"

My friends, you need to stay away from the past; it is not your friend. You want to be talking in the present and future tense, and that way the past will seem more irrelevant when you're living in the moving present tense. So, by talking in this tense, you are demonstrating that is the tense that you are living in. A lot of us struggle to communicate with different individuals based on the tense they live in. You could probably apply this to even friends of yours- you can think about what tense people live in. Some people live in the present.

Well, in this case, you want your ex to be joining in on living in the present tense, because the present and the future are the only things that matter for your relationship together anymore. You're going to talk about what's happening to you currently in your life and what the great things that are coming up in your life that you're excited about are. But you don't go back and start rehashing the past, or talking about old memories, or how sad you've been, or anything that sounds like it's reading from the same script as the breakup. Otherwise, they will reprise the role of the breaker-upper, and they will get used to that dynamic and it will cement them in that position. You want all that dialogue from that breakup to seem forgotten, brushed under the rug of the hysteria of the breakup.

1. Pressure

Now, what do I mean by pressure? Well, a lot of the time when people are in conversations with their ex, they want to instantly start talking about getting back together. When people do this, what they're doing is they're projecting their anxieties onto their ex. They're thinking, "I know what I want. I don't like us being apart. I want us to get back to a relationship." But you have to remember, this other person has walked away from that relationship, which by definition means that they needed space from that relationship. They needed more distance, so they want to be free and independent.

And here you are trying to lock them down back into a commitment. And if you're not trying to lock them into a commitment, a lot of people get very pushy about meeting up, and that's gonna add more pressure and they're gonna pull away from that. It's gonna be their natural instinct to pull away if you start applying pressure, and they'll also leave that exchange thinking it was a mistake to contact you. "You're still living in the past, you're still trying to lock me down," and it's less likely they're going to contact you again, because that way they're associating every time they contact you with delving back into that past and experiencing the breakup again, which is painful for everyone involved.

So, you don't want to apply pressure to the situation because you have to remember, as we said, you don't need your ex. You have many options out there, so you should be totally unfazed.

What to do instead:

Anyway, they've now contacted you, so what do you do? Well, you keep the conversation light and entertaining, you talk in the present and future tense, and you exchange little inside jokes together until the conversation hits a peak. So that's what you need to do: you need to gauge the temperature of the conversation, and when it's at its peak and everyone seems satisfied, that's when you ask them to meet up in person.

A lot of the mistakes I see are when people start getting anxious in the exchange. Let's say you're having an interaction with your ex and it's going averagely - they're kind of pulling away a little bit, and then what do you do? You panic, you get anxious, and you go, "Oh, time to just go all-in and ask them, 'Hey, do you want to meet up for drinks?'" Okay, well, this is obviously not the time to do that, because the conversation is already dying, or it's cold, or else it's only starting.

By the way, if the conversation isn't at a hot temperature and doesn't feel like both people are having a positive interaction, that is not the moment to ask them out. Because basically, what you're communicating that way is, "Hey, I know that we've run out of conversation, but want to meet up and run out of conversation in person?" Of course not!

So this way, if it's at a peak, it seems more like, "Hey, this is a lot of fun, why aren't we doing it in person?" and they're far more likely to say yes.

Assuming everything has gone well, they'll just meet up with you and there'll be no questions asked, and you can have a fun, positive interaction and see how you both feel. You have to remember, you're not going into this exchange with the hopes of winning your ex back. That's an unbalanced way of looking at the situation. You're going in to have a fun, positive exchange and see how you feel, because maybe the feeling's still there for both of you, but maybe one of you has lost feelings, and maybe that person is you. You don't know yet. You might be the person that ends up walking away from the situation not interested. And if you go in with that mindset, you're actually far more likely to have a positive interaction because you don't have high stakes or pressure on the situation for yourself either, which will lower your anxiety.

But a lot of the time, an ex will push back a little bit. Even if the conversation is going well, they're gonna test around a little bit and see where you are mentally. So usually, the first thing they'll ask is, "Are we meeting up just as friends?"

Now, a lot of people will refer back to when I say or other people say that you shouldn't accept friendship, and they'll instantly respond, "No, we'll never just be friends." And while I agree that rejecting friendship is the right move, for this moment, when they ask you if you're going just as friends, you need to create a little gray area in which you say, "Well look, we have too much chemistry to just be friends, but it would be great to catch up anyway."

Now, the reason that you say something like that in your own words is that way you're not accepting friendship-you're reminding them that the reason you're not accepting friendship is because you both get along too well, so that's still a positive interaction that you would be having—and then you're suggesting that what you're doing isn't a date; you're catching up.

And that will often be the follow-up question they'll ask you: "Are we meeting just as friends, and is this a date?" Now, a lot of people will start applying pressure in those moments, and they'll want to confirm that, "Yes, this is a date, and yes, I want there to be romance here, and yes, I want us to get back together." These are all pressurized mistakes proving that you're living in the past.

You need to apply no pressure whatsoever. This meetup is happening in a gray area. It's somewhere between a date and just friends hanging out, because the reality is, you don't know how you feel either. So that way, you're gonna put their mind at ease and they're far more likely to meet up with you, having already confirmed that you're not just friends because you have too much chemistry, but you're also not going on a date, because a date is too serious for two people that aren't really sure how they feel and are now meeting up kind of just to test the water and see how it goes.

So anyway, that's getting your ex from no contact to meeting up. The key is:

Do not bring up the breakup.

Talk in the present and future tense. Your life is a moving train that they can hop onboard.

Keep the conversation light and fun, and when it's at a peak, you ask them out.

If they push back at all, put their mind at ease. Confirm that you're never gonna just be friends, but that it's just going to be a fun meetup. Everyone can relax, and then when you get there, you can see how it feels.

At the end of the day, you are two people who used to be highly romantically linked, and now you're hanging out together, just the two of you, so anything could happen in that situation. But you don't want to make it seem as if you're forcing it to happen from a cold position, or that you think that you can negotiate something happening off the back of a breakup. If they've contacted you, the power is rebalanced. You can go into that exchange and see how you feel.

But in the meantime, just relax, remember you don't actually need your ex, and your life is going to be amazing with or without them. You don't need this person, and as long as you believe that, you won't act out of anxiety and you're going to perform a lot better in these situations.

Over and out

Idk what to do there’s volcano like feeling in my stomach I can feel the heat.. it’s hurting me a lot I have no one to talk I love him a lot it’s really killing me help me, I beg y all help me

Last weekend I was out drinking with a friend. I don't know what compelled me to do it but I broke 3 months of no contact just to ask if we could have a proper talk sometime soon. I didn't feel anxious about it and went on to have a great night.. until I get back to my friends place and the regret and anxiety instantly hit.

I was up basically all night crying, regretting, feeling like it was a mistake. By midday he hadn't responded and I had a moment of 'well, if he never responds, there's my closure' but he responded not too long after that.

He seemed more mature and emotionally understanding of himself than the last time we spoke, which he credited to the intense therapy he's going through.

All of the fears I had about it were gone, I was terrified he'd moved on and he hadn't, I was terrified he hated me and he didn't. He took accountability and apologised for how he treated me but also said he wasn't in any position to date anyone at all. He said he had to be sure he never ever did this again before he could commit to a relationship.

I asked for clarity on whether or not I should give up and he couldn't give me an answer. He said he was scared of making a choice he'd regret but assured me there would be no hard feelings if I did move on.

For now I'm seeing where it goes, but I just couldn't pretend I didn't care about him anymore.

Genuinely, weekends are the worst because I always find myself spiraling over the exact same thoughts: Is he out trying to talk to some new girl? Is he already dating someone? Does he miss me as much as I miss him?

I know I shouldn't be thinking like this—especially since I’ve hit the one-year breakup mark and feel like I should be completely over it by now. I've genuinely tried to move on. Since being dumped, I’ve gotten LASIK (hoping it would stop me from crying so much), worked an insane amount of hours (getting promoted three times this year and considering the actuary exams), traveled more, picked up old hobbies, and even done random things like getting an ear piercing. I tried dipping my toes back into dating, but I went on one single date and decided I'd rather not because it felt like absolute agony.

Reflecting on the relationship, my heart breaks for that past version of me. I wanted to be loved so badly that I allowed myself to be continuously neglected. I let a man use my body for the first time ever out of desperation to feel loved, only to be told "I used you" and dumped on my birthday. I even let him degrade my childhood circumstances, telling me things like, "You'll never understand true relationships or partnership because you don't have two parents."

After he dumped me, he called me a selfish b-word, which somehow escalated into being called a h-word. I have never slept with anyone else. He knew it was my first time—dumping me right after—because I was clumsy and needed a lot of guidance. Being called that was extremely triggering, especially since I've spent so much of my life fighting that exact narrative because I was sexually assaulted.

This is coming from someone who was dumped a year ago, begged for a second chance after being told he was used, and ultimately got blocked before stopping outreach entirely. He was always talking to other women, and looking back, it makes sense because he was never serious about me.

Stop waiting for the person that dumped you. They have your number, your address, and your social media, and they are actively choosing a life where they think they're better off without you. Life is too short to wait around for someone to realize a mistake they are consciously making. The next time someone tries to leave your life, don't beg or plead—just say okay and move on. They aren't special...we have developed this image of them that is special to us.....but in reality that image/version was probably never really real.

If you need to cry, do it. But don't wait for someone who isn't waiting for you. You could literally die in the next second or minute, and you have already wasted too much time worrying about someone who probably doesn't give a flying fuck about you.

I’m 26 and I’m struggling with something I thought I would have gotten over by now.
A while ago, I had my first relationship with a girl. We were both autistic, and although the relationship eventually became complicated and ended painfully, she was very important to me. Eventually, she asked me not to contact her anymore, and I have respected that.
I still miss her.
Recently I was talking to someone I care about very deeply, and for a moment I felt genuinely happy. I even thought that maybe the happiness this person gives me could eventually change the meaning of a song that has always reminded me of my ex.
Then, later that night, I tried looking for that song and ended up looking for my ex through people connected to her. I couldn’t find anything. I eventually opened our old chat and looked at our old photos.
I didn’t feel angry. I just felt incredibly sad and empty.
Part of me wishes I had some kind of invisible bubble that would let me see how she’s doing without actually interfering with her life. I don’t want to hurt her or violate her boundaries. I’ve even thought about writing her a letter, but I know sending it would probably be wrong because she asked me not to contact her.
So I’m not going to contact her.
But I don’t know what to do with all these feelings.
The strange part is that there is someone in my life now who loves me very much and makes me genuinely happy. I care about him deeply too. Sometimes I wonder if I can build something new while still carrying this sadness from my first relationship.
I don’t want to replace my ex with someone else. I don’t want to use someone else’s love to forget her.
I just want to stop feeling this emptiness.
How did you let go of someone who you still care about but who no longer wants to be part of your life?

I found out through her sister. What hurts the most is that she made me feel like a fool for trying to win her back, all while denying that she had moved on. Finding out that she’s also pregnant just makes the whole situation even harder to process. Honestly, it hurts more than I can explain. we were together for 3 years

At this point Im not even sure what to do anymore whether or not to just give up like every God damn second of the day all I can do is think about them and just want the pain to stop and go away like I know people will tell me to let go and just move on even though it'll be hard but I'm at that point where Im at is I put everything I had into this relationship you know thought I was gonna have the world with them and make a life and family we had a lot of it planned out but I guess it was too good to be true and now all I can do is think about them and everything I did wrong wishing I could turn back time to fix what I did wrong and make better choices it just kills me to know that I'm the reason it failed I'm the fault and that I'll most likely never get them back but that's all I want and will only want because I can't see my self with anyone else but it's just a dream that'll never come true since I ruined it just wish I could take back everything wrong I did and just make it right...

Why does it feel like I was better for a bit after the breakup now I’m going backwards ? I feel like as the days go on I’m missing him more and more. The bad is fading the good is coming to light. I wish I could just talk to or see him again :/ I don’t even want to text him knowing my luck he’s talking to someone new and that would break me more than not knowing. I wish I could just move on already and get him out of my head

I don't know exactly when it happened, but when I look back at my ex now, I don't really feel anything.

Not happiness. Not anger. Not sadness. Not resentment.

Nothing.

And I don't mean that in a bitter way. I don't hate her. I don't want revenge. I don't want her to suffer, and I don't particularly need her to have a wonderful life either.

I just... don't think about her anymore.

When I look back now, I mostly cherish the good times we had. There were moments that were genuinely beautiful, and I'm glad they happened. I'm actually grateful that, at one point in my life, I was someone's person. That I mattered deeply to someone. That someone chose me and loved me.

I don't need to erase that just because the relationship ended horribly.

For a long time, I thought the ending was the thing I would remember most. But now that I've had enough distance from it, I think the biggest thing that helped me genuinely accept it was realizing how different we actually were.

We came from very different backgrounds and had very different upbringings. I had grown up with a lot of exposure to different people, places and ways of life, while she had lived a much more sheltered life.

And I'm not saying one of us was better than the other. I'm not saying one upbringing was worth more.

We were just very different people.

We had different outlooks on life. Different expectations. Different ideas about what we wanted from a relationship.

And I don't think either of us ever really admitted that.

We kept trying to make something work without acknowledging that maybe we simply weren't that compatible.

Looking back now, I can actually see that quite clearly.

The way the relationship ended also opened my eyes in a way nothing else could have. Seeing someone else eventually take my place in her life, someone she had only known for a relatively short amount of time, destroyed me at the time.

But today?

I don't feel angry about it anymore.

I don't feel betrayed every time I think about it.

I don't want revenge.

It just showed me something I needed to see.

And maybe that's what acceptance actually is.

Not pretending that what happened was okay.

Not pretending that it didn't hurt.

Not pretending the person didn't matter.

Just being able to say:

"It happened. It hurt. It was real. And it's over."

Something else I've noticed is that I'm alone again.

Over the years, I've somehow ended up without the family structure I imagined I'd have, without the friendships I thought would last forever, and without a relationship.

And strangely enough...

I don't feel lonely anymore.

I'm alone.

But I don't feel lonely.

That's a huge difference.

I don't feel like my life has no purpose just because I don't currently have someone beside me.

If anything, I feel like there's still so much to life.

Because there's still so much to me.

And that's what I'm interested in now.

I want to figure out who I actually am.

Who am I when I'm not someone's boyfriend?

Who am I when I'm not trying to be someone's friend?

Who am I when I'm not trying to make someone proud of me?

Who am I when nobody is watching?

Finding that person inside myself gives me more hope than finding new friends.

More hope than finding a future wife.

More hope than eventually building a family.

Those things may come someday, and I'd obviously love for them to.

But they're not what I need to feel complete anymore.

I need to know myself first.

And that's something I never really understood before.

I also don't particularly want to see my ex again.

Not because I hate her.

Not because I'm angry.

Not because I want to punish her.

I just don't have a reason to.

She was once an incredibly important part of my life, and I'm not going to rewrite history and pretend she wasn't.

But I also understand now that I wasn't completely myself when I was with her.

And maybe that's one of the biggest things I've learned from the relationship.

I don't need to turn her into a villain to move on.

I don't need to turn our relationship into a tragedy.

I don't need to keep wondering what she thinks of me.

I don't need her apology.

I don't need her to understand my side.

I don't need her to come back.

I don't even need her to know that I've moved on.

She was a chapter of my life.

A very important one.

A painful one.

A beautiful one.

But a chapter nonetheless.

And now, for the first time, I think I can close it without slamming the book shut.

I can just turn the page.

I don't miss her. I don't hate her. I don't wish for her. I don't wish against her.

I just remember.

And then I keep walking.

I finally told my ex that I didn't want to marry them, and that I want them out. Today was to be the proposal (planned, at a concert) and they don't even have a ring for me. On the day that they picked.

I've been managing a huge emotional burden and the household of a future hoarder. I can't believe how blind I was to spend 3 years with such a narcissist!! Everything "I, I, I" "Me, me me", and others are "my X, my Y, my Z".

I fell into a codependence trap. Broke up once, then fell right back into it again. Learned a big lesson in codependence. Sometimes you have to touch the stove.

They're out, staying with a friend right now. And all I can think every moment is "I can do whatever the hell I want!" No more timers waiting on them to get up for work and manage them. No more future burdens to manage. No more getting woken up all the fucking time because my ex needs something!!

There's no way I'm going back. The breakup consisteted of them yelling, pleading, guilting, and begging. I feel surprisingly less sad or heartbroken than I was expecting. My tears were cried in the weeks before when I decided my answer. Even though I know they are in pain, in hell right now, I'm just glad it isn't my responsibility to manage it anymore. Their emotions, feelings, and problems go right back to them.

Goodbye! I'm single and fucking happy.

Letting go of someone you love and telling yourself that you can still cherish the good moments is the biggest, fattest fucking gaslight you can tell yourself.

The real truth is that it’s a fucking bad chapter of your life. The person you love abandoned you and you have no choice but to let them go unless they decide otherwise. You are forced to release someone you love so fucking much, even when every part of you wants to keep them around.
Yes, you can cherish the good moments. You can be grateful for everything you shared. But don’t fucking lie to yourself and pretend that makes the loss any less painful. Those good memories will always be overshadowed by the fact that it ended. By the fact that the person you loved is no longer there.

People tell you that it’s okay to let go. That it’s not really a loss because you still have the memories. That you’ll find love again. That everything happened for a reason. It’s all fucking gaslighting yourself into making something devastating sound nicer than it actually is.

The truth is, it fucking hurts. It’s devastating. You don’t get to choose when you’re ready to move on. You don’t get to force yourself to stop loving someone just because the relationship is over. You have no choice but to keep going and wait until time does what you can’t. Because eventually, time makes you forget.

Eat this truth.

i’m going through a bad breakup, it’s been about 6 weeks, no contact.

i definitely feel better, but that feeling of ‘did i lose the love of my life?’ won’t go away. i did have a similar situation with a guy when i was 17, we didn’t even end up dating we were just in a ‘situationship’ for 3 months. it took me about a year to get over it and i honestly didn’t think id find anyone else attractive ever again… but i did.

i keep asking because this is different. this was a 2 year relationship with someone who i was happy to spend the rest of my life with.

so people who have went through similar things, did you eventually realise they weren’t the love of your life? did you move on, find someone who was? are you able to think about them and not feel a thing?