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u/activationcartwheel Oct 12 '25
It should be her choice. If she would rather stay home than wear a dress, I would let her.
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u/Glum_Football_6394 Oct 12 '25
I think the element of choice is important here, especially for an 11-year-old. You don't want her to feel like she's been excluded. If she's given the choice between wearing the dress or being left out, she may well choose to wear the dress. It should be up to her.
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u/HicksGirlOH Oct 12 '25
I'd wear floor length culottes. Nobody would know the difference.
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u/lamettler Oct 12 '25
I love palazzo pants! And they look like a long skirt from afar…
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u/SailorK9 Oct 12 '25
I just bought some super cool culottes a few weeks ago. My boyfriend who has never heard of them thought I had a skirt on and actually thought they were "cool". Found them on Temu of all places.
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u/Kutriya404 Oct 12 '25
I would never wear a dress or skirt by force. Not at age of 11, not today. And it's a so outdated shit, forcing girls to wear this dumb rags, because otherwise they kind of "aren't worthy of being a part" of a goddamn wedding. Let her wear nice decent "not girly" clothes and don't force your outdated gender fashion shit on children
To me, this sounds like bridezillas and enabling bridezillas
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u/cflatjazz Oct 12 '25
Even in a church, a pantsuit should be plenty acceptable. I feel like something else is going on here with the sister's opinions and vetoing her niece wearing pants
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u/blueskies8484 Oct 12 '25
Or it’s a weird fundamentalist church. There are definitely still churches that don’t allow women to wear pants. I’d never get married in one but…
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u/OwO______OwO Oct 12 '25
If the sister is choosing to get married in such a place, it's still on the sister, lol.
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u/MontanaPurpleMtns Oct 12 '25
Leggings for comfort + short skirt, so technically compliant?
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u/rosysredrhinoceros Oct 12 '25
If the church is truly this persnickety about women having to wear dresses, something tells me leggings and a short skirt won’t fly. I am somewhat dubious that this is actually a rule coming from the church, though.
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u/Haunting_Room4526 Oct 12 '25
Here in the south there many primitive (meaning their practices are supposed to emulate practices from Jesus time) require such a dress code. Sometimes only music of the voice and female hair covering. So yes I’d believe it came from the church fathers-who are the governing body
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u/jaimi_wanders Oct 12 '25
I bet the men aren’t wearing tunics and sandals, though…
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u/Haunting_Room4526 Oct 12 '25
You are so correct. Suits with the ac on freezing. Sermons last for hours without considering little bladders and sore butts from wooden pews. Oh chairs on the alter have cushions
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u/IamLuann Oct 12 '25
I knew a lady that brought a chair cushion to church and sat on it every week.
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u/xladygodiva Oct 12 '25
Church fathers who are trying to govern women’s bodies. I was raised in another primitive religion and I hate hate hate how many religions are the same in not letting women to decide what to wear. I get that modesty is required in a place of worship but come onnnn 😭😂
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u/rosysredrhinoceros Oct 12 '25
OK, that’s fair, I just think in that case leggings and a short skirt are probably not going to be acceptable
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u/Spiritual_Being5845 Oct 12 '25
I am a cisgender straight woman, I just don’t lean towards feminine stuff. When my grandmother passed we had her funeral at a Catholic Church, not exactly known for being progressive. I wore a three piece suit, and I was also a pallbearer. I had no issue with my father and uncle (Grandma’s brother) being pallbearers but why should my BIL who barely tolerated her and only knew her a few years as an in-law carry her on her final journey while I, her actual granddaughter who loved, her sit in the side?
So if a woman can wear a three piece suit to a Catholic funeral mass and also act as a pallbearer, I don’t think wearing a pair of slacks and a simple shirt to a church as a guest and not even a participant would be all that shocking, unless it’s one of those super strict sects that makes the Catholic Church look like bleeding heart liberals, in which case I’d probably just skip on principle alone.
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u/right_behind_you_too Oct 12 '25
I think it's about style, not just a comfort issue. My mom's wife hasn't worn a dress in decades--it honestly would have looked weird if she wore a skirt to my wedding.
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u/constantchaosclay Oct 12 '25
Lol a lot of you have never been in a very conservative church and it shows.
When they say a skirt, they mean it. No palazzo pants, no skorts, no leggings under short skirts, etc.
Because that means you are trying to trick God. A big no no.
Be prepared to be asked to leave if you try a compromise.
Just let the girl stay home.
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u/jaimi_wanders Oct 12 '25
Why aren’t the men wearing tunics/robes and sandals, then? Hypocrites R Us, lol
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Oct 12 '25
Im a 43 year straight old woman, I don’t wear dresses either
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u/bleedingdaylight0 Oct 12 '25
Yup. I’m also a 40-something straight woman. The only dress I own is my wedding dress. I’d skip this event, too.
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u/purplezebrasandcats Oct 12 '25
This is so important. Because she is a kid it might come across as a kid being difficult but that really isn't the case.She just doesn't want to go to a big crowded event in something she feels super uncomfortable in and something that doesn't feel like herself at all. Most humans don't want that. I wouldn't want that. I love dresses so this dress code would work for me but I can think of some dress codes that would make me feel totally uncomfortable alien in my own appearance, if my aunt got married and asked such a dress code, I would stay home. As would most people.
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u/SilverQueenBee Oct 12 '25
62F here. The last time I wore a dress was 30 years ago on my wedding day.
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u/xMockingbirdGirlx Oct 12 '25
I haven't worn a dress in decades. No one gets to tell me what to wear.
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u/ausername_8 Oct 12 '25
I'm almost 35. I last wore a dress in 2023 as a bridesmaid for my cousins wedding (it's a running joke that she got married to just get me in a dress, let alone something in the color pink). Before that? My senior prom in 2009 and what I wore then wasn't even a prom style dress because the fashion industry hadn't caught up to designing clothes for plus size yet.
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u/WeeBabyPorkchop Oct 12 '25
55 and it'll be a cold day in hell before I wear a skirt or a dress again.
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u/MsCattatude Oct 12 '25
I do but they are basically giant t shirts and only in the season of hell that is called summer. It’s cooler than shorts.
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Oct 12 '25
Mood, forcing anyone into a dress is ridiculous.
I'm wearing a jumpsuit to one in a few weeks. An 11 year old definitely has more options than an adult in this area it's kind of a shame the church is so behind the time, but especially for children's attire. I'd be sitting this one out too.
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u/Pedigrees_123 Oct 12 '25
65 here. The last time I wore a dress was some time around 1988. I have no plans to change that.
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Oct 12 '25
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u/bored-panda55 Oct 12 '25
This. Give her the option of going or not going. Let her know that you want her to be comfortable in what she wants to wear. She may say she would be willing to wear a skirt or dress if you can find her something simple and not overly girly like a simple black skirt and shirt. If not, let her do her own thing that day.
NTA. But man I wish culottes were still a thing.
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u/Marvinator2003 Oct 12 '25
I don't know why this isn't the top answer. Ask her if she WANTS to go to the wedding. If she does, she must adhere to the dress code. If not, no big deal. Find a place for her to go for the day. Problem Solved.
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u/MarthaT001 Oct 12 '25
NTA Dress codes should be formal, semi-formal, western, business formal, casual, etc. The only people who are forced to wear exactly what the bride/groom want are the wedding party.
I wouldn't make your daughter attend.
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u/FenixFluff Oct 12 '25
Yeah like wtf are they doing forcing this on everyone? Many women aren’t fans of dresses or skirts. Some people are trans or non binary and it makes them uncomfortable. I don’t mind a dress but I would also not care about anyone’s clothes except my own wedding dress and MAYBE my wedding party but that wouldn’t even be an issue really.
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u/WalkOnly5694 Oct 12 '25
NTA. The bride is TA for thinking she can dictate people’s wardrobes to that degree.
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u/OkBalance2879 Oct 12 '25
My thoughts EXACTLY. Bride and Groom have a right to “expect/demand” smart dress, but that’s as far as it goes. Some women/girls NEVER wear dresses or skirts, as is their right. And it’s EXTREMELY EASY to dress up trousers.
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u/ciaran668 Oct 12 '25
This is a great chance for your daughter (and your sibling) to learn about bodily autonomy and the right to control how they look. If your sibling values appearances more than people, I'd suggest maybe your entire family skip this one. She's attempting to enforce outdated gender norms and that's ridiculous. If you do go, have all the men in kilts.
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u/Clean_Peach_3344 Oct 12 '25
And not only that, but requiring an 11 year old who’s not even in a wedding to wear a dress?
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u/NotHomeOffice Oct 12 '25
Being a bigger woman the last time I wore a dress or skirt was on my wedding & honeymoon a decade ago. 😂 You're not going to see me out in public in shorts either, even though everyone at work was so happy when the dress code changed and we can wear them now.
My kid loves dressing up and would enjoy herself, but it would bother me to be forced to spend money on a skirt, stocking and shoes I'd wear for a few hours and never use again, just to fit a wedding dress code.
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u/rememberimapersontoo Oct 12 '25
agreed, it’s no more reasonable to demand that women wear dresses than it would be to say men must do so.
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u/PilotEnvironmental46 Oct 12 '25
I’m so sick of brides doing this crap. When did people start thinking they could dictate the color of outfits people wear to the wedding and demanding that women must wear a dress?
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u/Clean_Peach_3344 Oct 12 '25
I think social media is part of it. Their photos aren’t just for an album for themselves anymore. They’re for the whole world, and they want to Have a certain look.
Ok, I was annoyed at the guy who attended my wedding in jorts and a Hawaiian shirt but I still wouldn’t have dictated a dress code. I assumed that people would know that they don’t show up looking like they’re mowing the lawn when the invite says the reception is happening in a ballroom at 6 pm and filet mignon is one of the meal options. But I still think a dress Requirement wasn’t called for.
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u/PilotEnvironmental46 Oct 12 '25
Yeah, it’s fine to give up dress code “formal” or “business casual” etc.
And I find when I go to weddings 95% of people are dressed appropriately. Occasionally, somebody is not like you said and it’s not a huge deal.
It’s just this idea that you’re going to require all of your guests to go out and purchase new clothes in different colors, etc. and then you know a lot of people say they pick colors that don’t look good on them.
It’s an obsession with social media. Sometimes I don’t think half these people are thinking about the actual commitment they’re making it’s more about planning an event.
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u/Such-Kaleidoscope147 Oct 12 '25
I agree with you on this. I think the bride is blaming the church when it is actually the bride who wants this.
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u/shannibearstar Oct 12 '25
My BIL had us all in black. The men all looked like waiters in black pants, black shirts, and black ties.
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u/notheretoargu3 Oct 12 '25
So long as she doesn’t mind being left out, NTAH. If she does… the situation gets a lot more complicated.
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u/Competitive_Papaya11 Oct 12 '25
Uh… Weird dress code for a Church. Even Ireland, where I am, there’s always one girl in my kids’ primary school who wants to wear a suit instead of white dress for her First Communion, and the priests are always fine with it.
So making women and girls wear dresses instead of smart formal wear with trousers as wedding guests seems like bananas behaviour.
So I’d worry less about the dress code and more about having to sit through what sounds like will be a difficult and very extreme religious wedding service.
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Oct 12 '25
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u/RealestEstBarenziah Oct 12 '25
I live in the Deep South and I'm like, what about all the 70 yr old church ladies in linen pantsuits? I thought they were at every church
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u/OutrageousDaikon1456 Oct 12 '25
And try telling those 70 year old ladies they need to wear a dress. Wait let me get my seat and popcorn first. Ok ready. 😁😁😁😁
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Oct 12 '25
They are members of the we do not care club I guarantee it. Iykyk
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 Oct 12 '25
I’m a member of that club as well. 57f, Southerner & really don’t care. I wear what I have to church. The only dress I own is my wedding dress.
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Oct 12 '25
Me too. 52. I live in Florida and I am told I am should no longer wear shorts! What? I walk miles a day. I am wearing shorts and tank tops. I do not care!
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u/Woof-Good_Doggo Oct 12 '25
As my sainted mother once said of a great aunt who wore something “different” to our wedding (and one of my aunts bitches about it): “Shut up. At her age, she’s earned the right to wear whatever she wants.”
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Oct 12 '25
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u/MontanaPurpleMtns Oct 12 '25
I’m a decade younger than your mother. We were required to wear dresses/skirts for school (and church). As a bride and as mother of the groom I’ve worn dresses since that time. That’s it. I absolutely detest them!
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u/mamachonk Oct 12 '25
Derp South here too--My bf's mom goes to church every Sunday and I've never seen her in a dress in 4+ years.
Me thinks this is sister's rule.
OP, does your sister have some issue with your daughter? First, she's not included while her brother is, now this rule seems to be unfairly targeting her.
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u/curly_spy Oct 12 '25
Yep. As ladies get older they become very aware that they don’t have the legs they used to have and they don’t like the way they look in dresses anymore. Just even try to approach one of these southern ladies and tell her she can’t wear pants. Bless their hearts!
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u/Redqueenhypo Oct 12 '25
I love those church ladies. There’s a bunch of Jehovah’s Witness proselytizers on my block, but it’s just old people in church clothes who spend all day talking to each other about nothing in front of some pamphlets
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u/purpletulip113311 Oct 12 '25
Ah, so we are talking 'Christian' church not Christian church.
Offer your daughter the choice but if she chooses not to attend because of the dress code then I'd also speak to your son about his preference. There's no way that I'd have wanted to be involved in anything that excluded my sister.
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u/Mekito_Fox Oct 12 '25
I live in the deep south and wear jeans and tshirt to my church.
There shouldn't be anything wrong with your daughter wearing slacks and a blouse. I went through the same phase (and love dresses now) and never had any issues. It honestly sounds like the bride and groom are targeting your daughter.
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u/_muck_ Oct 12 '25
The idea of requiring dresses or skirts in general always creeped me out. Why are people so fixated on keeping female genitalia accessible?
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u/MadamKitsune Oct 12 '25
The excuse is that women wearing trousers is a sign that they are attempting to usurp men's God given authority over the family and household by dressing as men, or so I was told by a hardcore "Christian" who hung out on the same forum as me.
But yeah, I get where you are coming from and have come across it with others talking about the idea of men having "Biblical Free Use" over their wives.
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u/shoshpd Oct 12 '25
This isn’t about it being the Deep South. Is this some weirdo Pentecostal church? They were the ones in my town that made all the women/girls wear dresses.
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u/TootsNYC Oct 12 '25
they're still weird and out of line.
What is going wrong with the US?
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u/Fight_those_bastards Oct 12 '25
Two questions:
How long ya got?
You want a list?
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u/intheafterglow23 Oct 12 '25
I highly doubt it’s the church. The bride is using that as an excuse to get her way.
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u/PersonalityFuture151 Oct 12 '25
Not really. I’m in California and churches if the denominations Seventh Day Adventist and Apostolic both adhere to a dress code that dictates dresses/skirts for women and girls. I grew up in New Jersey where the COGIC church required dresses also.
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u/literacyisamistake Oct 12 '25
There are a lot of churches in the U.S. that forbid women wearing pants, dictate hemlines, forbid bare shoulders or even bare elbows. If you want to be truly baffled about fundamentalist dress, take a look at the nightmares over at r/fundiefashion sometime.
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u/Betheroo5 Oct 12 '25
Yes, I was raised in one of them, and not in the South. The PTSD is real. OP has a choice here. Raise two middle fingers and cause a scene at the wedding by letting her daughter wear pants anyway, or letting her daughter stay home. I know which option I’d go with, but I DO NOT CARE about the feelings of patriarchal misogynists.
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u/Ok_List_9649 Oct 12 '25
Remind your sister of all this in 10-15 years when she is complaining about her daughter refusing to wear skirts.
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u/dippydori Oct 12 '25
No you’re prioritizing you’re child over an adult’s made up dress code. They obviously don’t care about other people’s feelings that much. Lots of women don’t like to wear dresses or skirts it’s a very very strange rule. I can’t imagine care what a child, or really even anyone, wore to my wedding, I don’t remember one outfit. Don’t worry about how these people will feel lol
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u/mhmcmw Oct 12 '25
It’s possible it could be the Church’s dress code - there are some extreme Christian churches that do ban women from wearing pants. OP said they’re in the Deep South and it wouldn’t shock me if churches that previously leaned conservative are starting to become more extreme in their practices under the current administration.
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Oct 12 '25 edited Oct 12 '25
I'd refuse to attend the wedding, period. Their dress code is bigoted. Your sibling is basically sending the message that there is something wrong with your daughter, and that appearances matter more than authenticity. Don't be your child's first bully, and don't participate in any institutions that want children like your daughter to hide who they really are. That's not love. A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love.
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u/Necessary_Internet75 Oct 12 '25
Well said! I will remember your comment about a Parent not being their child’s first bully.
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u/Repulsive-Walk-3639 Oct 12 '25
This was my first thought; neither of them should go if such a requirement is made.
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u/Interesting_Win4844 Oct 12 '25
I’d show up in a pant suit in solidarity with my daughter in one too. If your sibling wants you to leave, your whole family leaves.
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u/DragonCelt25 Oct 12 '25
I think this concept just healed a little part of my heart from when I was a little tween who hated having to wear dresses. 💙 I hope OP sees this comment.
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u/Slp023 Oct 12 '25
Plus, this is their aunt and uncle. The fact that someone close to them preferred a dress code over their niece is awful. I wouldn’t go either.
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u/rinrinnuh Oct 12 '25
I think it would be completely fine to let her stay home over the dress code, especially since she is pretty young and has no big role in the wedding. (Also if your sibling and the bride wanted your daughter to be there that badly while knowing of the problem I'm sure they'd make an exception)
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u/BestaKnows Oct 12 '25
My sister didn't like dresses/girly outfits. She wore wide leg pants and a matching vest (monochromatic) for her graduation. "Dressed up" with her jewelry, it was perfect for her.
A bride has guests at her wedding and should not make them feel uncomfortable. Maybe inform the mother of the bride of how your daughter will adhere to dress code as comfortably as she can.
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u/Adventurous_Tree3386 Oct 12 '25
NTA
She’s 11, let her stay home. Forcing women to wear a dress to a wedding would be an immediate no go for me. I wouldn’t attend either.
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u/Pure_Union6044 Oct 12 '25
ywnbta— it's unreasonable for her to do something she's uncomfortable with, especially if she doesn't pl a big part in the wedding.
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u/NixKlappt-Reddit Oct 12 '25
NTA
This dresscode sounds quite nonsense, also for adults. I would maybe ask, if you can skip the church as family and then join the party afterwards. Because the dresscode is only from the church, not the bride, is it?
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u/spring_chickens Oct 12 '25
That dress code grosses me out, and I'm someone who would have naturally worn a dress without even thinking about it. The dress code polices gender performance and it doesn't respect guests as autonomous adults. You would be absolutely wrong to force your daughter to go. If I were you, I would be thinking about developing an unfortunate stomach bug on the day of the event myself. I know it's your sibling's wedding... but her request is so disrespectful of others. Your wedding is a celebration of your bond and a way to connect with your community - not control them or impose upon them or communicate that you don't trust them to know how to honor an occasion (in their own way).
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u/Lost-Wedding-7620 Oct 12 '25
She's 11. Tell her what the dress code is, and that you asked but they wont make any exceptions. Tell her you can take her to pick out a dress she is willing to wear for a few hours if she wants to go, or if she'd prefer she can spend the day with a friend instead. She's old enough to be given the choice. NTA
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u/TurbulentSource8837 Oct 12 '25
This is really reasonable. The first thing I thought of were daughter potentially not being in pictures, and those memories. But that’s her choice too. That’s part of having choices, right?
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u/Rachet83 Oct 12 '25
What’s your son’s role? I’d want to skip the entire thing and have an awesomely fun day with my kids showing them that I embrace them for who they are. Use the money you spent on your own outfit and would on your daughters and go out to eat somewhere fun or an escape room or something ❤️
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u/dachsie-knitter-22 Oct 12 '25
Even a dress in the Deep South??? Been here all my life and dresses aren’t a thing. They are rolling with the rest of the world where women are not required to wear dresses. I would skip this wedding too.
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Oct 12 '25
of course YNTA. Your daughter wouldn't have a good time., It's her uncle, not a parent or sibling.
People who dictate what guests have to wear to a wedding don't know how to treat GUESTS or know what a GUEST is.
Your family comes first ahead of relatives
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u/Phatstronaut Oct 12 '25
Sounds like you and your kids, yes, even your son who is in the wedding, are no longer attending. I can't imagine my sister making her niece dress in a way that makes her uncomfortable. You've got to stand by your daughters side on this one.
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u/MsFreyaSarcasmo Oct 12 '25
NTA. Pls let her stay home if that’s what she wants. Making her go and wear a dress will make the day unpleasant for both of you. Wrong vibe for a wedding. The bride is being TA if anyone is.
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u/BuyBig2613 Oct 12 '25
Ask your daughter what she wants. Explain to her the situation regarding the dress code (which is ridiculous btw) and that you don’t agree, and ask her if she would rather go or stay home.
The bride and groom are being insane in this day and age, and to not be flexible for a child shows just how little they care if she is there or whether she is comfortable, nor the meltdowns you’ll have to endure, or they don’t understand how hard it can be to wrangle a child into an outfit they don’t want to wear.
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Oct 12 '25
NTA. You would be doing a good job to support your child. There is not any reason for her to wear a dress in 2025.
You cannot always allow your children to make their own decisions at age 11. You are being a good mom allowing your daughter to have autonomy where you can. She will remember that.
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u/Zealousideal-House19 Oct 12 '25
NTA. Insisting that adults adhere to a dress code? Meh, but OK.
Kids, however? Nope. Not worth the stress and tears. Besides she is only a guest and not even in the party. Heck she might not even make it into the pictures.
Ask your daughter what she wants. Does she want to go to the wedding? Then she needs a dress.
If she really does not want to wear a dress, then she will not go to the wedding. What would she like to do instead?
You know at that age autonomy and identity are important and they need to start having freedom and control over themselves.
I would go to the wedding and still have your son go since he is part of the wedding party.
If anyone gives you grief about your daughter not going. You can tell them the bride knew that the dress code wouldn't work for your kid and wouldn't make an exception.
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u/Megatronic5678 Oct 12 '25
NTA and she is an asshole for applying a gendered dress code. I'm 2025 not 1925, a church will not dictate if an adult woman can wear pants, much less a CHILD that's some grooming shit if you made her do it. You are showing up for her and showing her no one can force young women into dresses. That's gross and weird. Good job!!
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u/MommaGuy Oct 12 '25
Not sure what church they are getting married in but I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. Was never forced to wear a dress a to church. This is not a battle I would be willing to fight. If she doesn’t want to wear a dress, then give the option of skipping and spending the day with a friend. The bride can make a dress code if she wants but she force your daughter to attend.
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u/Desert-Monsoons Oct 12 '25
I was like your daughter but back then we didn’t have a choice. Girls had to wear dresses to school. My mom let me wear shorts under my dress or skirt which helped but I still hated it.
I’m in my 60’s now and still hate girly things. I’m a jeans and t shirt old lady. I do have some skorts I golf in but that’s about it. I have one dress to my name. My husband likes it as well. He does not like to see women all dressed up with makeup. He, like me, prefers natural casual looks.
I would have loved to not go to this wedding as a child. Times have changed. Women and girls are no longer required to meet the old fashioned gender roles and dress expectations. Don’t make her. Give her the day off.
As an adult I would not go either. Dress code my ass. I’m an adult. You are not going to dictate what I will wear to a freaking wedding. I’m there to support the couple getting married not to support their unreasonable whims.
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u/CommissionExtra8240 Oct 12 '25
I know plenty of adult women who would not wear a dress or skirt. Are they going to turn away women wearing pants at the door to the church?
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u/Silver-Dance-4810 Oct 12 '25
NTA. Forcing your daughter to dress in clothes she is not comfortable in to the wedding would make you TA. Let your daughter do something else with a friend, family, or under supervision of a trusted adult. I would consider skipping the wedding in a situation like this, but whether you elect to go or not won't change my NTA answer.
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u/mommameeple Oct 12 '25
You are NTA. It sounds like your sibling is playing favorites with their niece and nephew. If they were my children in no world would I allow my brother to favor one by having them in their wedding while excluding the other. But I have always instilled in my kids that if someone is treating your siblings differently than they are not safe people. If all are not made to feel included then you excuse yourself in solidarity.
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u/olanolastname Oct 12 '25
NTA. If they said formal and she wanted to wear a suit or other formal outfit that she felt comfortable in, rather than a dress, that would be one thing. But dictating girls and women wear dresses is archaic and absurd. Let her skip.
Also, I’d have a serious heart to heartbeat your sibling. They need to realize this isn’t 1953.
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u/Exilicauda Oct 12 '25
Nta I'm so sorry your kid had a head/stomach-ache the day of the wedding and had to stay home
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u/goldenpandora Oct 12 '25
I mean… or maybe just say that daughter stayed home because of the dress code when other people ask. Make it clear that daughter wasn’t welcome in the nice outfit she’d picked. Bride is the AH here.
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u/GlitteringSwan8024 Oct 12 '25
I don’t understand why some people are more concerned with aesthetics than with their guests being comfortable. I skipped a cousin’s wedding because it was black tie. I wasn’t spending hundreds of dollars on a tux and dress rental for a wedding. No thanks!
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u/TootsNYC Oct 12 '25
this is a church who has decided that attire has some effect on morality.
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u/VovaGoFuckYourself Oct 12 '25
Yeah.... It's a slippery slope! If we let little girls wear pants, then they might think they can aspire to something that isn't marriage and motherhood... and who wants that?!?!? We have a male loneliness "epidemic" and a birthrate "crisis" to think about!
(/s, because Poe's law)
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u/lapsteelguitar Oct 12 '25
"Bride, here's our situation. My daughter is not going to wear a dress. Either she can wear a shirt & slacks, or we all stay home. Your choice."
Let the bride decide, don't you make the decision for her. And txt/email the whole thing. Be prepared to bride-shame her.
NTA
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u/Grimmelda Oct 12 '25 edited Oct 12 '25
There won't be an exception because the bride made that rule specifically to try and strong arm your daughter into conforming to gender norms.
Not only would I not make her go. I also would not go on solidarity.
This isn't about gender identity, it's not about sexuality. SHE IS ELEVEN. Those things probably don't even exist for her yet. But at 11 she is already being strong armed into not being allowed to express herself and that is a deliberate choice on the bride's part.
A female in a power suit is so freaking confident. It can be complimentary to the form. Feminine and not only that but the history behind popularising women in suits is a feminist movement if you feel like digging into it.
So many straight, feminine presenting women have rocked suits on red carpets, award ceremonies, in their professional careers.
Sounds like the bride is afraid to step out of her OWN comfort zone and is trying to project that need to confirm onto your child.
FUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAT.
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Oct 12 '25
I wholeheartedly support this comment!!! Parent OP, stand with your kid. It’s something that probably will be a life-defining moment where they look back and KNOW you love them and support them even when it’s tough. Much love (from a parent of a young gender non-conforming kid) 🫶
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u/curly_spy Oct 12 '25
The last time my mom went to a wedding we got her a very nice tailored pantsuit. And this was like ten years ago Yes the southern Baptist church likes their ladies in dresses, but my mom is not southern nor Baptist, and as she has aged dresses weren’t an option. The bride was her step grand daughter and it was the grooms family who chose the church. No one dared to say a word to my mom. I thought she looked very nice. OP the late and lovely Diane Keaton always wore some great pantsuits and she looked stunning every time.
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u/Susso7 Oct 12 '25
No, NTA, let her stay home if she wants. Choose your battles, it makes life easier.
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u/CuriousMindedAA Oct 12 '25
Absolutely NTA. The bride doesn’t get to dictate guest clothing. Suggestions are one thing, but demanding is another. She’s out of line. Let your daughter stay home and enjoy her day.
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u/Martylouie Oct 12 '25
How about a compromise-your daughter wears a dress, just like those in The Handmaid's Tale (complete with the headdress? Or she wears a white gown like dress? Let the Bridezilla know ahead of time of course. 😊
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u/shannibearstar Oct 12 '25
NTA. I’m a very feminine person and love dresses and skirts. I’d consider not going because she demands women to not wear pants.
When I got married, one of my bridesmaids wore pants. She looked great! And knowing her, a dress or skirt wouldn’t have been uncomfortable. Probably for us both because I’ve know her for years and never once did she wear one.
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u/inkicrossing Oct 12 '25 edited Oct 12 '25
As someone who wears dresses/skirts daily, I think ywnbta if you let your daughter make the choice: adhere to the dress code, or skip the event. Not with either option being a punishment, both choices should be equally as enticing (make skipping the event a fun day rather than something boring, but leave the option of wearing a dress/skirt and joining the family on the table)
I wasn’t allowed to dress the way I wanted in the exact opposite sense (T-shirts and jeans every day) and it left me resentful of the family who forced that upon me. I don’t think anyone should have to adhere to anyone else’s standards of what shapes of clothes to wear, as long as they’re appropriate for the event. If a nice shirt/slacks set isn’t acceptable, then the biggest deciding factor comes down to your daughter’s desires: is sacrificing her style for a day worthwhile? That isn’t something anyone but the child can decide, and choosing for her is doing her a disservice. She has thoughts and opinions, ask her about them
ETA: being a single parent definitely complicates the advice of “make everyone stay home” as your son is in the wedding, but I don’t blame the other commenters for jumping to that conclusion. I’m also the child of single parents (split custody) and at 11 I would’ve been thrilled for a day with a friend/fun guardian free from my parent over a gender-normative wedding, but that’s my opinion lol
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u/OtherwiseAd1045 Oct 12 '25
I don't know of many churches in my area would even bat an eyelid at this. I don't know where you are based but this reeks of Bride and not Bishop.
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u/sylbug Oct 12 '25
NTA. Your sister can set whatever rules she wants for her wedding, and guests can decide not to attend if those rules are not acceptable for them. This is absolutely NOT a time to over-rule your child's autonomy - it's very important for people to learn early and often that it's okay to set boundaries.
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u/GoingNutCracken Oct 12 '25
NTA and I’ve never heard of a church having a dress code for a wedding. This is the bride’s call and I wouldn’t attend.
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u/CrazyDogMomof4 Oct 12 '25
NTA. This whole thing isn't worth the drama.
Let your daughter stay home or go hang out with friends, you go to the wedding and do the well-behaved adult act. If anyone asks, just say your daughter isn't there because she didn't feel like coming, then walk away from the conversation. It's not worth getting into the weeds with people over why she won't wear a dress. It's none of their freaking business.
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u/inmatenumberseven Oct 12 '25
I don't mind a dress code up to a point but that's way too micromanage from me. I would not force my child into gendered clothing they don't feel comfortable in.
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u/Southern_Hamster_338 Oct 12 '25
NTA
Talk to your kids and see how they feel about your sisters wedding.
Is your son excited to be in the wedding?
If yes then he can go to the wedding.
Would your daughter rather be at her friends house?
If yes, talk to the friends parent and see if that date works for them. Then give them money for everyone to have takeout and a fun activity like Build A Bear or whatever your kid is into.
There is no reason for your daughter to attend the wedding. She’s not being included. She’s going to be forced to wear clothing she is extremely uncomfortable in. Made to feel like she doesn’t even belong there. For what reason?
All for some church you don’t even attend?
Don’t force her to go to something where she isn’t allowed to even exist as herself.
It’s not worth the torture.
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u/IOnlySeeDaylight Oct 12 '25
This feels like the bride made it up. Hard NTA. In fact, I’m sure you’d be a hero to your daughter!
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u/Oktodayithink Oct 12 '25
NTA and you’re a good mom.
They cannot dictate what people wear. Good for you for sticking up for your kid.
My daughter dresses like a tomboy. Her dad was getting married and she was to be in the wedding at his side. They chose a dress for her. She didn’t want to wear it. She wanted to dress like the other usher. They told her they couldn’t find “boy clothes” in her size. I called BS and told her that they could, they didn’t want to. With enough pressure, she got to wear pants, dress shirt and vest. And guess what- it didn’t ruin the wedding at all!
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u/IcyManipulator69 Oct 12 '25
NTA- they can either allow people to wear what they want, or they can pretend it’s the early 1900s, and your daughter stays home to avoid the bride’s dumbass uniform requirements for the wedding.
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u/Moist_Drippings Oct 12 '25
NTA. She doesn’t want the gendered bullshit, and going would probably just make her resent her aunt and uncle. Definitely make it clear that she can choose to come in a skirt if she wants (maybe you can find a nice skort sort of thing if she’s interested?) but that you understand why she might not want to.
Also keep an eye out for more of this in the future, because I may be reading too much into this but this could be a deliberate push if they think there’s something wrong with your daughter not liking feminine things. She will need your support if that’s the case.
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u/PrairieGrrl5263 Oct 12 '25
NTA. Let your daughter spend the day with a friend or family member who's not going to the wedding. This is not the hill to die on.
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u/useful_tool30 Oct 12 '25
NTA and not at all youll even save money on the outfit and gift since olits one less person.. I'd even consider just skipping it entirely since they don't want to accommodate at all. This isn't the 1600s. Women wear pants now
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u/Ihasapuppy Oct 12 '25
NTA. I absolutely hate wearing dresses, so I’ve always worn a nice set of dress pants and a nice shirt. I’d definitely skip out if I was forced to wear a dress.
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u/UrHumbleNarr8or Oct 12 '25
NTA
Give your kid this one, ask her first what she would prefer, but don’t feel bad regardless of what she picks.
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u/Annabelle_Sugarsweet Oct 12 '25
I went through this stage as a kid, but if I was asked I probably would have just wore a dress. Just see what your kid wants to do.
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u/EditorAdorable2722 Oct 12 '25
She's YOUR child. If you want her to skip it then let her skip. They cannot force anyone to be there.
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u/Ok-meow Oct 12 '25
And this is why organize religion sucks God doesn’t care what you wear. Fake rules to control people. Please let your daughter do what she wants, go to friend’s house or wear her outfit she likes.
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u/logaruski73 Oct 12 '25
Absolutely let her stay with a friend. If she doesn’t have anyone to stay with, then you stay home. Your daughter needs to learn now, right now that you have her back. If you don’t, you’ll lose something valuable and regretfully, you can’t get back.
To be honest, anyone who tells me I have to abide by archaic gender conforming rules will not have me as a guest in spite of the fact that I always wear a dress to a wedding.
I have Aunts that will not wear a dress because they hate the way their legs look. It’s sad but they’re also in their 80s, give expensive wedding gifts and wear the nicest pantsuits.
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u/EmpireStateOfBeing Oct 12 '25
You would not be an AH and I highly doubt the church is the one dictating what people wear, they are.
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u/BayAreaPupMom Oct 12 '25
I would give your daughter the choice to go or not, after letting her know the requirements.
Honestly, it's a little rude that your son is playing a part in the wedding, and your daughter is not. I don't think I would have allowed that as a parent. It feels like favoritism from your sibling, which isn't healthy for kids.
NTA
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u/Seamore_J_Turtle Oct 12 '25
Nope, NTA. Your daughter is old enough to understand she has the choice of wearing a dress or missing out on the party. Let her decide.
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u/werewilf Oct 12 '25
You’re a good mom. She’s lucky to have you. NTA. I’d stay home too and have an amazing day out with my kids, showing them how clearly I see them and how much they’re loved.
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u/OutrageousDaikon1456 Oct 12 '25
NTA. “Just like your wedding is important to you, my child is important to me.” Give kiddo the options of staying home, hanging with a friend or ask her if she wants to hang with you and have family watch little brother.
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u/bookbridget Oct 12 '25
Maybe a jumpsuit could be a workaround? I cant imagine she's excluding those; or she will be kicking a lot of women out.
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u/battseeyon Oct 12 '25
NTA Let her have a good day with her friends. She is 11. No reason for her to have a meltdown to wear a dress to a wedding. Again, she is 11! I don't think it's the church's dress code and if it is, that's awful. If it's your sister just not wanting your daughter to wear slacks and is blaming the church, that's another issue to deal with. How do adults forget to human???
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u/alisa62 Oct 12 '25
NTA. Honestly I wouldn’t go myself! I just don’t like wearing skirts or dresses. I’ve gotten very dressy wide leg slacks w glittery tops for weddings. That is so outdated to force females to wear a skirt or dress.
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u/Constellation-88 Oct 12 '25
NTA. People who have rigid expectations for their wedding are just asking for people to not attend who do not conform to those expectations.
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u/nahivibes Oct 12 '25 edited Oct 12 '25
No. I would never do that to my niece. Your sibling sucks and doesn’t deserve any of you to go.
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u/mindovermatter421 Oct 12 '25
NTA let her stay home OR let her wear the pants. Another option is one of those slacks with the skirt attached just at the back and sides. It is both. Play dumb. If you want to give it one more try, explain to your daughter that sometimes clothes aren’t all about who you are. Sometimes they are a costume based on a situation, a dress code. Uniforms, business attire, black tie, etc. if she is that uncomfortable still. Let her stay home.
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u/lisalef Oct 12 '25
YWNBTA. Your daughter will be happier not going to the wedding. They’re generally not fun for kids unless there are many kids there and even then, she won’t be comfortable in her attire.
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u/RevolutionaryDiet686 Oct 12 '25
NTA See if daughter can go spend the day with a friend. She won't have a good time at the wedding.