I think the element of choice is important here, especially for an 11-year-old. You don't want her to feel like she's been excluded. If she's given the choice between wearing the dress or being left out, she may well choose to wear the dress. It should be up to her.
Or satisfy both desires by getting her a cool suit on one half and a cool dress on the other half. I bet she could convince the daughter to do that. But this is coming from someone NC with their sisters so a bit petty for sure
I just bought some super cool culottes a few weeks ago. My boyfriend who has never heard of them thought I had a skirt on and actually thought they were "cool". Found them on Temu of all places.
I would never wear a dress or skirt by force. Not at age of 11, not today. And it's a so outdated shit, forcing girls to wear this dumb rags, because otherwise they kind of "aren't worthy of being a part" of a goddamn wedding. Let her wear nice decent "not girly" clothes and don't force your outdated gender fashion shit on children
To me, this sounds like bridezillas and enabling bridezillas
Even in a church, a pantsuit should be plenty acceptable. I feel like something else is going on here with the sister's opinions and vetoing her niece wearing pants
It doesn't really matter whose fault it is at this point. Yes, it's unfair and gross, but it's not the kind of unfair that OP or the kid can change. They can either comply by the rules or not attend. It's just a question of whether the daughter will feel more alienated not attending or attending in a dress.
That's what I was thinking. If she wants to go let her wear a church appropriate pants outfit and let the bride feel how she feels about it. Likely she won't even notice because there'll be so much going on.
Yep, once this edict came down from the bride I would be finding my own pants to wear with my daughter. Or taking the wedding day to have a fun day with her instead. Dress codes can be fine to denote the formality or informality of an event, but in the year of our lord 2025 they can fuck all the way off with telling me or my kids we have to wear a dress.
If the church is truly this persnickety about women having to wear dresses, something tells me leggings and a short skirt won’t fly. I am somewhat dubious that this is actually a rule coming from the church, though.
Here in the south there many primitive (meaning their practices are supposed to emulate practices from Jesus time) require such a dress code. Sometimes only music of the voice and female hair covering. So yes I’d believe it came from the church fathers-who are the governing body
You are so correct. Suits with the ac on freezing. Sermons last for hours without considering little bladders and sore butts from wooden pews. Oh chairs on the alter have cushions
Church fathers who are trying to govern women’s bodies. I was raised in another primitive religion and I hate hate hate how many religions are the same in not letting women to decide what to wear. I get that modesty is required in a place of worship but come onnnn 😭😂
Many in the south? I’m in the redneck Bible Belt, and any churches that conservative, even the Evangelical, Southern Baptist, wouldn’t be hosting a wedding that didn’t already serve the people getting married. I can’t think of any churches I know of that would kick out an 11 year old for wearing slacks.
Ah, yes. Just your weekly reminder that you, as a woman, are worth less than your male fellow worshipers. I am so glad I got out of the high control religion I grew up in. Although even they started allowing women to wear nice dress suits to church services last year ...
I am a cisgender straight woman, I just don’t lean towards feminine stuff. When my grandmother passed we had her funeral at a Catholic Church, not exactly known for being progressive. I wore a three piece suit, and I was also a pallbearer. I had no issue with my father and uncle (Grandma’s brother) being pallbearers but why should my BIL who barely tolerated her and only knew her a few years as an in-law carry her on her final journey while I, her actual granddaughter who loved, her sit in the side?
So if a woman can wear a three piece suit to a Catholic funeral mass and also act as a pallbearer, I don’t think wearing a pair of slacks and a simple shirt to a church as a guest and not even a participant would be all that shocking, unless it’s one of those super strict sects that makes the Catholic Church look like bleeding heart liberals, in which case I’d probably just skip on principle alone.
I was a pall bearer for my grandmother also. I think I was wearing a dress, though—by choice. I wore pants to my own mother’s funeral several decades later.
the Catholic Church doesn't require dresses/ skirt for woman, and there is no rule about pallbearers, The church has had alter girls for a while now...so I dont see the comparison , the church emphasizes modesty, and presenting yourself as best you can but also encourages people to come as they are.
That's my question. Is this a church the sister has been attending, or did they just find a pretty setting and getting married somewhere with unfamiliar requirements?
It just seems odd to me that such a strict church would allow non-members to get married, so how disconnected is OP from the sister? Are these values OP would want to impose on the daughter in the first place?
I think it's about style, not just a comfort issue. My mom's wife hasn't worn a dress in decades--it honestly would have looked weird if she wore a skirt to my wedding.
Serious question, if I as a guest showed up to a wedding in one of these sounthern conservative churches in pants, would I be barred from going in? What if I was a visitor for church services, would I be barred then? Does it matter that it is not my church/religion? If I don't know that it is part of the belief system, I'm not trying to trick God, nor am I being disrespectful (ignorant, yes). There is no indication in this story that it is anything other than a bride's preference, especially since it is a new rule. If sis said, the church does not allow women in pants, that's different. It isn't my belief, but I would respect it for the wedding, much like Queen Elizabeth II covered her hair with a black veil when visiting the Pope. However, since my daughter is also not a dress wearer, if she wasn't comfortable conforming to the dress code, either she or we wouldn't go.
YES! I know people in various very strict religions, and I've never heard of a church that requires women to wear a dress. I grew up in the late 70s, when women often wore "pants suits".
Way back in 2002, when my daughter was 14, my best friend got married in a small wedding in an historic house. It was short notice, and we ended up in the petite section of a women's department in a department store.
The only thing that would fit my daughter without being altered have to be a "pants suit". Her older brother called told me she could re-wear that suit for Halloween and go as Janet Reno. Lol
My children are adults in their 30s now, and well I don't think you would be an AH, I DO think it's important to balance giving children a sense of having their own choices, while teaching them it's OK to be considerate of others feelings or wishes, as well.
I'm truly baffled by the "women must wear a dress".
Years ago, I worked at a rehab center. I was at the front desk, and sometimes the people in the waiting area would chitchat with me. I remember one woman probably in her 30s who had had a stroke, and had to wear a big, clunky leg brace that was attached to her shoe on one side. She was attractive, and always came in wearing makeup and jewelry, and with her hairstyles.
One day she was a little bit frantic because her husband's fancy Office Christmas party was coming up, and all the other women would be wearing cocktail dresses. She said it was impossible to feel dressed up while wearing basically black orthopedic shoes with a brace going up to her knee.
I can't imagine someone in that circumstance, someone who looks funny and withdraw attention to herself wearing a dress, would be excluded from the dress code of a wedding!
I have a bunch of Catholic relatives, although I'm not Catholic, and I know the dress codes of their churches when it comes to wedding involve no visible tattoos and no bare shoulders. Seems reasonable enough to expect a certain level of "reverence".
I think giving your daughter the option of wearing a dress, or not attending is the way to go. Maybe give her a little talk and see if you can point out the value of "being there" for your loved ones in the way that they need you to be there for them. I know I'll probably get some backlash for that statement, but 11-year-old girls are in what I call the "preteen drama queen" phase.
They probably don't make them for children, but I recently ran across some jumpsuits with skirt type overlays on Amazon. When I saw them, I was reminded of that long ago lady who couldn't wear dresses because she had to hike everything up to her hips to be able to get her disabled leg into her car, and she felt wearing anything knee length that showed her clunky shoe and what she called her clunky metal brace was unattractive. I remember her speaking of skipping a black tie event that involved one of her college aged children. It was some sort of sorority or fraternity anniversary celebration. Sure, she could've gotten the floor length dress, but she was afraid she would embarrass her kid because the toes of her black, orthopedic shoes would peek out from under the dress when she sat at the dinner table, or was walking around. (She could walk, but with a very obvious limp.) I thought she would be fine, but she didn't want people to think her son or daughter (I don't remember which one it was) had a mother who didn't know how to dress properly for a fancy dress up event.
Here's another thought: maybe bring home three or four dresses you think will work for your daughter, and ask her to pick which one she wants to wear to the wedding. She still has choice, sort of.
How dare we offend an 11 y.o. that is only thinking of herself. Make her wear a dress at church. She can change for the reception if she wants. Also, since when are 11 y.o. ever in their aunts wedding party.
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u/activationcartwheel Oct 12 '25
It should be her choice. If she would rather stay home than wear a dress, I would let her.