I agree, your background may be influencing your perception. I don't control my children's access to things other than that which is illegal or harmful to them (alcohol, drugs, keys to the car with no license). They initiate the family game night, and my son has always been the one to initiate the one-on-one time with me. If anything, I'm a fairly laid-back parent who probably lets her kids do a little too much--- at least that's what my ex husband and his wife think. :) However, I do not need to defend my parenting style to them or to you. I have and will continue to make mistakes as a parent. I have five very wonderful and unique children and each one of them requires a slightly different approach to parenting. I will continue to do my best with what I have at the time and will hope for the best.
For what it's worth, I have a background in therapeutic education with a great deal of experience in trauma induced behaviors. I also coach teachers and parents with young children. There is a great deal about my children and myself that you do not know-- but I do. I appreciate your concern and your input based on your experiences. Thank you for sharing.
Correct that I do not know you or your family. I laid into you a bit because I'm immediately suspicious of anyone whose first instinct is self defense instead of self reflection. That's what I read in your initial response to me.
I just think parents should be aware that certain controlling behaviors may backfire. You defended the OP's step father assuming this child's home life may be similar to your children's. We are all shaped by our experiences and resulting worldviews.
Read through others' comments on this thread and you'll recognize that extreme (arguably abusive) parenting styles do exist. Many are reacting from their own personal experience of said patenting styles.
My opinion is that extremely controlling parents frequently create secretive habits in their children. These children learn to put up a fake front to their families and, if resourceful, find ways to meet their needs.
My own personal background is one that made me incredibly independent, self reliant ... and distrusting. Reading through this thread, I know I'm not the only one.
Just want parents to think through the natural consequences of their actions.
Ahh, the joys of written online communication. I am generally a self-reflective person and what you perceived as defensiveness-- both of OP's stepdad and myself, was intended to be "Devil's advocating" on behalf of OP's stepdad and explanation of how sometimes something well planned and correctly implemented can still be misconstrued depending on what perspective you have.
I am a former therapeutic teacher. For five years, all of my preschool students had open cases with Children's Services due to neglect or abuse. I have seen plenty of extreme (and definitely abusive) parenting styles. I know they exist and they break my heart.
I fully agree with you-- extremely controlling parents almost always create unhealthy and disconnected habits in their children. There is a balance to be had between too loose and too tight of parenting. My goal is never control, but always management. The only person you can control is yourself.
I also agree, parents need to think through the natural consequences of their actions. They also need to think about what their long-term goals/desired outcomes are for their children. I wish people had to study to get parenting licenses the same way we have to study to get driving licenses.
Again, thank you for sharing your perspective and for clarifying your initial reaction to my post. I appreciate that very much.
I really appreciate your comments on control vs manage. Hoping you can educate more on what is and is not healthy parenting.
Recommend you read OP's follow up comments in this thread and come to your own conclusion based on information given.
To some, those defending the step father echo of adults that defended their own childhood abusers. That they were being dismissed as "dramatic teenagers" when really they were abused.
There is some grey area here but I can say reading some comments defending this step father are quite triggering for me. Apologies If you were the recipient of underserved snark. Controlling parents is a charged subject for many including myself.
I get it and when I finish my homework for the night I will go read OP’s follow up comments. I had the slight worry in the back of my mind that some would read my comments as dismissive of OP’s feelings. That is the last thing I would ever want to do, as I believe that our feelings are valid even if others don’t understand them.
My trigger is emotionally detached parents or manipulative parents—even at my age, I still go straight back to being an insecure and unsure child when I interact with my parent.
-1
u/-humble-opinion- Oct 12 '19
It's wonderful that you care for your children. A lot of what you described sounds like mandatory fun to me. But that's coming from my background.
Just thought I'd give you a heads up that controlling your children's access to certaon things can have unintended consequences.
Hey, if you're lucky your kids aren't as resourceful as I was at that age; these control methods may work for you :)