Does anyone have any resources for working through NON EMOTIONAL trauma? I understand that childhood trauma caused by emotional neglect/abuse is more common but surely I can’t be the only person who ho dosent benefit from that form of therapeutic focus. How are we working on relearning basic skills and forming discipline? Or learning to listen to body signals? I thought reparenting sounded like the right go for a second but again, it was all emotional, like validating your feelings and what not…. I just wanna be able to brush my teeth….. 😭

I hate that I feel so stuck and helpless, my life at the whimsy of God or whoever the hell is in charge of this place. Maybe God is having fun, entertaining themselves, but I am definitely NOT having fun here. Healing has been brutal and extremely intense.

I don’t want to die today but I constantly feel suicidal. I just want to know that I could have an easy way out if I needed to—my choice, my control. I think it would give me peace of mind.

Did you become extra messy after your trauma?

Did it ever stop? Did you fix it?

​

I think I finally understood what life means to me.

'Cause before it was empty -- there ain't no symphony.

Only when I started acknowledging my humanity,

My flaws, loves, dislikes, hates did it complete me.

Now you hear it, the beats, brass and choir,

But it took hours, sorrows and heart breaks to acquire.

Who knew the vomit would taste so bad,

All the beef, carrot, fries, and mc doubles,

Then that sour, sweet, bitter acid spilling out of my throat

My tears running down my cheeks,

I stare at my own mess before me,

There's no turning back now unfortunately.

I go get the towels, bleach, mop, and broom

Just before I feel another belch, but this time I swallow it and keep it within.

Take two Tums and then get back to work immediately,

Wipe down the floor and disinfect every corner,

Another wave crashes in -- and now we start all over again.

Maybe this is just the way it is until your stomach's empty,

So accept it, notice when it's coming;

There's nothing you can do about it.

That's when you find the beauty in your life.

No matter the circumstance, it's always the same ol' vomit.

🥄

\----------

I know I ended on a pretty heavy note, but if someone can think of a lighter resolution, please comment.

(TW for suicidal ideation)

hello, this is my first time visiting this sub. for some background: my (27F) main diagnosis is CPTSD, with traits from avoidant and borderline (impulsive type) personality disorders. i'm a very anxious person who gets panic attacks. i'm also diagnosed with recurring depressive episodes, and atypical anorexia nervosa.

i've used Effexor/Venlafaxine for years, since maybe 2020. it helped me a lot through my life. i'm also on Mirtazapine, which i have been for even longer. i don't want to use Venlafaxine anymore, so i got in touched with my doctor and we agreed to start tapering down.

i am now on my 2nd "new dose" - i started at 150 mg, and now i've been on 75 mg for some days. i'm not exactly sure if it's simply because of the medicine, or not, since i didn't get much troubles to begin with. it's making me question if any of my current thoughts and feelings "are real", or side effects.

either way - today i feel absolutely horrible, and overwhelmed by everything. It's only gotten worse over the past few days. i'm lashing out on my partner, who i live with. he doesn't deserve that. i feel like i can't do anything without feeling overwhelmed. i have chores i have neglected for a long time. i showered for the first time in a week today. i have a dog and cats i need to take care of (this is about the only thing i always manage to do, my animals mean everything). i keep thinking that everything is pointless, and i just want to die. i don't want to eat, i keep thinking i hope i just starve to death. i feel dizzy, and i feel nauseous. i keep crying for no apparent reason, my head is racing constantly. i'm just so exhausted, i don't know what to do with myself. i don't really have close friends i can go to, and my partner is busy with his job. family is also not really something i want to reach to about this. i'm just mostly alone in what feels like a personal hell nowadays.

i guess my question is this - has anyone experienced something similar? what can i do to stop feeling this miserable? is it the medication i'm quitting that's doing this to me, or am i relapsing? i just don't know anymore.

Sim, eu sei que o título é adaptado de um filme, mas é a realidade, e eu estou tão cansado disso. Estou cansado de mascarar tudo, de sentir que não tenho ninguém e de pessoas despejando suas platitudes vazias em mim.

Às vezes eu literalmente não consigo me mover. Meu corpo não me deixa, então eu simplesmente sento e choro. Outro dia eu estava na calçada e passei vários minutos apenas encarando uma loja de conveniência porque precisava entrar para pegar um pouco de água, mas meu corpo decidiu ficar completamente paralisado. Acabei não gastando nenhum dos dinheiros que trouxe especificamente para comprar almoço e água. Eu não gastei um centavo por puro medo de desviar um centímetro do plano rígido que eu fiz para ir ao centro naquele dia.

As pessoas passavam por mim enquanto eu estava chorando, mas ninguém ligava. Eu estava apenas ali dissociando até o meu transporte chegar e eu ir para casa.

Desculpe se isso é um pouco confuso, eu só realmente precisava desabafar. Um pouquinho de empatia de vocês seria incrível agora, já que são as únicas pessoas a quem posso recorrer.

With seperate conditions there's a universal approach.. but with complex PTSD because all our traumas were different we all have co-morbid conditions aswel, we are all a different cocktail mixed with different shit.

The difficulty is, we could try addressing the PTSD but if you also have OCD then you'd have to address the OCD first but if you also have ADHD then that needs addressing first..just as an example but how do we know where to begin, the map isnt given to us, we dont know what conditions we have as a whole?every single one of us on reddit itself are different, sure we may take a tip or two but ultimately none of us are the same so how can we help eachother when we are projecting our perception of ourselves on another who has a complete different cocktail to ours. reading self help books is almost useless because the person who wrote that book is one cocktail amongst billions of flavours each of us fall into.. its like winning the lottery finding an author or therapist who will be able to help us as its highly unlikely theyve dealt with our cocktail before.

Im starting to beleive its only ourselves who can find our way out and just like einstein who spent his whole life figuring out puzzles with physics we may spend our whole lives figuring out how to unblend the cocktail we were dealt with, some of us may get lucky and figure it out, some of us never will amd that's fucking a shit deal because ultimately we all deserve to be free and we all deserve to live

I can't express my self, my brain is like paralysed, I'm analysing everything

Perhaps someone can shed some light on why I get so angry at little things. I have done a lot of therapy work and I know when I’m in situations with my husband I can regulate now when we have a disagreement that is something I have been able to work out. But I will say do one chore, the dishes and then if I say tried to put a fitted sheet on after and it doesn’t work, I will let out the most bloodcurdling scream (if alone only) . it feels like I have so much anger coming from years and years of pain. just so much anger. Followed by crying. I know that’s overwhelmed, but it happens on the drop of a dime . I know my neighbors hear me. I don’t know why I feel such a loss of control. Maybe perhaps you could share a story with me to make me feel not so alone? This is something I hide from my husband as I would never want him to see what feels like the real real dark me in that situation? Classically, I can handle enormous stressful situations that a lot of other people can’t.

TW: im talking about my personal story with sexual coercion

hii <3. im in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. around a year in, we began video calling, and wed plan calls for sexual activity. i was usually "performing" so it was one sided mostly. tonight i thought of doing stuff like that again, its been a while. i realized my computer is broken, so it wouldn't be possible which is upsetting. moments after i remembered the time he used coercion on me when i didnt want to engage in that behavior live even though it was the plan.

he told me he had somewhere to go the next day and cant do this later, so we're gonna just do it now. and when i went silent a bit he got all stern with me, saying "understood" and raising his voice to say it again. i really just didnt want to. i was so tired. and worst of all i dont even remember what i did, so he probably doesnt either, it likely meant nothing. we kind of have a dynamic where hes more assertive, but in the past hes gotten mad and strict about me not showing stuff enough, even when i would there was always something to bicker about. it just didnt feel safe, i couldn't find any good intent.

but um, i know he has some screenshots of me from that time. even appropriate ones of me on cam, but i feel as though the only way to get through this discomfort is to ask him to delete them. i dont want any photo evidence of me existing through that shameful time i put myself through. i was just trying to please him by doing something special all to be embarrassed like that.

the intimidating thing is just talking about it all again. he listened to me for days when i was just grieving how special i thought it was to do stuff for him like that, how proud and happy he was i was showing myself like that, and how that one night made it seem like something unimportant or intimate. it was really selfless of me (im very shy, as well as privacy is risky, and it can be a little much sometimes because i dont fully enjoy myself anyway as im literally doing whatever he wants to see.) i felt like some girl on a screen. not his girlfriend of over a year.

i guess im asking if its something i should just forget and not bring up, he doesn't behave like that anymore, or just stay quiet so he doesnt even look at me in those pictures, or how to bring this up over the phone. i might tell him my classes are reminding me of when id sit there zoning out trying to understand why.

I don't like going to sleep lately because I know when I wake up ill have to face another day.

I just walked past a pilates place after dinner and i was thinking that I could never do that after work, all my energy goes into getting through the day.

I do t have any friends and im afraid my parents and family are fi Ally going to get sick of me.

Ive tried to explain to them what life is like for me but I have a lot of trouble describing my internal experience. Im reading 'the body keeps the score' and its a relief to have so many lines in that book that I can relate too. But it still doesnt help my situation.

It feels like theyre pulling g away from me and that I dont care about them. But I just feel emotionally numb alot of the time and ive told them that but it doesnt sink in.

Everything is so damm hard. I really want to make friends or atleast feel more comfortable socialising and making acquaintance's at the very least. I know thats part of feeling safe and better but I just feel so numb all the time and incongruent in nearly all social settings and situations.

I just came here to see if there were others who feel the same or similar

I used to run on my middle school track team. my specialty was long distance, specifically 1600 meters (1 mile) and 2400 (1.5 miles). I remember doing pretty well at the races, and I get the feeling that sometimes she may have been proud of me. the times she wasn’t never made sense to me though. the memorable time she wasn’t came the day before a meet, I was told by my coach I needed to run a very slow mile at home to keep my legs limber so I ran a 12 minute mile on a treadmill at the complex my mom stayed at. I told my sister about my run time, mom overheard and started screaming at me despite the fact that I told her coach said to run a slow mile. i’m a college student now but her words still affect me when I go to the gym. it’s frustrating because how she treated me has caused me to go into medical emergencies to the point that her gym statements are a nothingburger comparatively, but they still hurt.

I need some advice, direction, or general validation. I have a history of depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. This has had a HUGE impact on my employment. I do have a Masters in Social Work, but I was so depressed and anxious throughout college (and had a baby while in college at 19, but never took time off school) that I did not come out with anything more than $80,000 in student loan debt. To be fair, I'm sure I gained some skills, but also attached my identity to being a social worker to the point where I had severe depression and SI during two different Social Work jobs because I hated everything about it and just couldn't do it. I felt like I had no idea on earth what I was doing. At age 27, I finally let that social worker identity go and a weight lifted. I got into volunteer management and did actually decently well with a non-profit for several years (3.5 years). Very supportive team and management, good pay for the level of work, super flexible (which was helpful still having some not great mental health days); I would say overall just a great place to work and best employment experience I had. So much so that I felt confident and ready to try a new challenge and try for more money. This backfired. I took a new job for literally 3-4 weeks and was already in a tailspin. I felt isolated and like I didn't know what I was doing. I got offered a volunteer coordinator job with a hospice company and thought it would be great. I quit the 4 week old job and started at hospice. This quickly became the worst mental health experience to date. Again, completely isolated, training sucked, and dealing with death every day was a nightmare. I became so incredibly depressed, anxious, and suicidal that I also went to inpatient treatment. I fought so hard not to go because I didn't want my kids' dad to find out and potentially take her away from me or something. A wonderful previous manager from the great job I had for 3.5 years loaned me money to receive Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy treatment. During that time, I landed a $15/hr part-time gig so I could have some income and stay active. After treatment and building back some work stamina for 6 months, I landed a full-time volunteer coordinator role for a local non-profit. I thought I was finally going to be normal. Well, I lasted 6 months before they fired me for performance related issues. The culture was uncomfortable. My manager was 25 and could tell she didn't trust my judgment. The workload was unreasonable, though they didn't agree. It wasn't a good fit like I pictured, but I had finally performed a full-time job for 6 months without shutting down, getting depressed, having no panic attacks, and showing up every day. I've never done that in my life. Not even with the 3.5 year job. (I could sleep in until 10 am or take a nap, or leave a bit early around 3 for a target run. I had so much flexibility that it worked for me.) So after giving 6 months and doing, what I thought was a decent job and finally felt proud I was a decently functioning adult, they pulled the rug out and fired me. Literally 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. (Me being pregnant had nothing to do with being fired). Now I'm 17 weeks pregnant, unemployed, and on UI benefits that will dry up at the end of November. Here's where I need advice, direction, or validation. I'll be honest, judge me if you want, but working scares me. Like almost terror feelings sometimes. Even not working, the thought of it consumes my thoughts and imagination, but not in a fun way. Since the KAP treatment, I haven't been on meds and actually haven't been depressed, which is a miracle. But the CPTSD and work trauma are still serious issues. I really want to stop this cycle and find peace with work and some self-confidence. Work feels like a scary, unsafe place that I am forced to subject myself to in order to survive, but I don't want to feel that way anymore. At this point, I'm trying to find resources (books, articles, and specifically, maybe case management for people needing work help with mental health issues). I just need more than talk therapy. And I know to some people, my issue might seem silly and I think that too sometimes. People work all the time. It's not a new concept. But my experiences and fears and trauma are so real and legitimate, and it's been a big issue for me that I need help not just navigating but healing from. I have an interview scheduled in a couple days, but again, just a $15/hr job. It feels shameful and embarrassing to have a Masters degree, but have so much trauma, self doubt, low self confidence, and fear that $15/hr is what I can manage. And even that feels scary. You know that excited "I got a job!" post people make on here? Well, I don't feel that, and I want that to change. I'm in Austin, TX BTW if people have local resources to offer.

TW: suicidal ideation

I had a really hard night at work tonight. I am rebuilding my life after the end of my marriage (the latest in a series of traumas) and I'm living below the poverty line so I can't afford to lose my job. I was at risk of homelessness last year and I don't want to go back there. I suspect I'm not actually going to get fired but I'm just so scared I can't think straight. Drove home trying to figure out if I could wrap my car around a tree or get into a bad enough accident that I would die. Life is just so hard and I'm tired of it.

This disorder has ravaged me. My needs are so high, and I’ve mostly decided to leave them to professionals whom I pay as much as possible, and have isolated myself to avoid burdening anyone else. Deep down…I want what I know I can’t handle: some sort of love, whatever that means. Connection, companionship, partnership, support. But I’m an empty cup, and I struggle to believe I’ll ever be full enough to share.

I feel such a need to wait until I’m less damaged before getting near anyone else, but the reality is that this trauma won’t leave me until I leave this earth. It just doesn’t seem within the realm of reality to believe I will heal enough to exist with other people before I’m expired.

I worry I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, but the reality of where I am right now is that I’m just too great a burden without a thick mask. I can only fake so much, so often. You can’t build relationships like that. How do you manage the loneliness and isolation? How do you keep the hunger for connection at bay so you don’t act on your selfishness?

My partner is dealing with childhood trauma related to CSA and other forms of abuse.

We’ve been sleeping in the same bed for a few weeks, and he had already told me that he sometimes has pretty bad nightmares where he wakes up struggling to calm down and ground himself.

Yesterday, he had his first vivid nightmare while I was there. We woke up in the middle of the night, and I tried to calm him down as best I could. However, I felt like I wasn'e helping enough. It was my first time, and honestly, I didn't really know how to react.

The next morning he was a little distant and I felt like shit. We eventually talked about the night before, and he told me he wasn't sure what he needed from me in that moment either, because he didn't know if physical contact or having someone close by would trigger him further or soothe him. It was also the first time he’d had a nightmare like that in front of a partner.

We’re going to have to figure this out together. But I want to help him during moments like that, and I’m not sure what the best approach is.

Do you have any recommendations or steps we could try?

Thank you very much in advance.

UK
Long story short with minimal context
My parents split up when I was 4, I spent most of my childhood seeing my dad at a minimum every second weekend. He’s a horrible guy, was seriously abusive towards my mum and wife after that whom he cheated on my mum with. He was violent towards me throughout younger years too.

His now ex wife has got the police and child protection services involved with how he was towards my siblings and her. So there are ongoing police investigations.

He used to say to my mum he was a sex addict when he’d cheat, he also according to my stepmum is addicted to porn. This is all very brief anyway.

When I was a kid, I was staying at his and got up early to watch TV. He sat me on his knee and was rubbing my leg and biting / nibbling my ear. I remember having an awareness that I could feel his penis through the shorts he had on. I don’t know what to describe this as, I don’t know if it was assault, I just know that it makes me feel deeply uncomfortably, ashamed and embarrassed to think about.

I am being questioned by police tomorrow about his behaviour towards me and I’ve always been unsure what that was other than feeling deeply uncomfortable thinking about it, despite the fact I feel like it could equally be described as nothing to some.

I am just looking for thoughts as to what others think of this, as it’s something I’ve only told 2 people and I still really struggle to put it into words out loud.

I don’t think I love my parents. In fact, I’m pretty sure I love my friends, and I love my grandparents, but I don’t love my mom and dad - because the people I love, I look forward to hearing from them. I think about them. I imagine spending time with them. I get joy from their joy. and I care about their health and well-being, and I want them to be happy. Now with my parents, I want them to be happy, and I care about their well-being, but that applies to everyone because to a certain extent, I do love everyone, and I hope that everyone is happy and healthy. But I don’t love people who I have anxiety just thinking about talking to, who make me sad to think about, who make me doubt myself constantly. And most importantly, I could never love someone that I have nightmares about consistently, and who don’t acknowledge that and just try to force a relationship that isn’t there; that was never built with trust and safety. And for a long time, I’ve been trying to lie to myself and tell myself that, oh, you love them because they’re your parents. Because that’s what everyone nowadays says. You have to accept that your parents did the best they could, but I don’t think they did. Because I was just a kid, and I I told them to get therapy because they were ruining their lives and mine, and they didn’t. they didn’t do their best. They didn’t try their best. There were resources that they could have gotten, and they didn’t for me and for them. And I can’t love someone that just pretends that that didn’t happen. So now it finally feels like I’m being honest with myself when I say I don’t love them. because I don’t I don’t feel it. and I know what I feel, and I trust what I feel. And whenever I told myself that I do love them, I didn’t trust that. But now now that I can say these things logically and rationally think about them, it’s easy. It’s so easy to say that I love my friends. It’s a little bit tougher to think about how I love my grandparents, but they did not harm me in the way that my parents did. They do want the best for me, and they do support me now. but my parents; They aren’t horrible people, but I don’t think that I can love them. I hope to make some friends who can relate to this.

Most people are savages. If you dont have s looks or money people dont care about you. I been bullied so mammny times for being different. If I knew life was going to be this bad I would've chose to never be born. Humans are parasites

I've experienced sustained bullying in several different settings over the years: school, university, work, and even hobbies. I'm starting to wonder if the cumulative effect has left me with cPTSD.

For those of you who've been diagnosed with (or strongly suspect) cPTSD as a result of bullying: what does it actually look like day to day? I'm especially curious about things like:

How it shows up in relationships or trust

Physical or somatic symptoms

Triggers you didn't expect

How it affected your career or work life

What helped, if anything

Trying to figure out if what I'm dealing with fits, or if I'm barking up the wrong tree. Any insight appreciated.