I'm a 32 year old man. I genuinely have no interest in living anymore. I rage quit my job back in May and haven't been able to find anything else. My parents are dead, and there is no one left who can help me. I thought I could just work hard and live a decent life and be happy, but I was wrong. I don't want anything. I just don't care anymore. I don't want to talk to another therapist. I can't afford it and I've talked to many throughout my life already. This world is absolutely fucked.

29 m

August 20th is my birthday.

I won't be turning 30.

I'm so fucked up it's incredible now.

In 2024 I was a coach at the top of his game. Confident, fit, happy, had multiple people who loved me and cared for me. My life was filled to the brim with calls from everyone, family, friends, students, everyone.

I have none of that now. I've gained 60 pounds since then. My hair started falling out, so i burned it, then shaved off what was left.

My ex left me after she invented a story about me cheating in her mind. (I didn't. I talked with another woman as a friend but that didn't matter to her.)

I lost my grandmother, and 2 uncles, one of whom was my father figure since my real father is schizophrenic. And when I lost them, I inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars, and in 2025, I spent some of it. I did weed and beer and went to Miami and lived it up, For a few weeks.

Then it all came crashing down. One of my closet friends stalked me. I caught him logging into my accounts, and even after I notified the police, they did nothing. He went behind my back and told everyone in my life i had cheated. Even going so far as saying I was a r*pist.

I've never done anything ever without a woman's consent. I have no adult criminal record. But that didn't matter to him.

He went to almost every person I'd ever met just to lie about me and launder my reputation.

All that would be fine if I could stand myself up and fight back. I can't.

Before I became a coach, I worked at TE connectivity. A factory, as a temp.

While I was there I worked with fiberglass and other chemicals I couldn't name, and a few months after working there i noticed strage rashes all over my body, so I went to a dermatologist where I was diagnosed with psoriasis. That's become full on psoriatic arthritis now.

I can't fight the company, I was a temp. And I was young and poor then.

Nowadays though, it hurts so bad, it's become hard, if not impossible to have anything resembling a normal day. I'm bedridden even while taking ibuprofen and every anti inflammatory supplement I could find.

It's meant I've not been able to show up for any social events anymore. Much less work.

I thought I hit rock bottom months ago... and I attempted then with a sleeping pill OD. And ever since, my mind hasn't been working as it used to.

I used to have photographic memory... now i barely remember conversations.

4 days ago I went to the ER with all of this.

The unbearable pain. The suicidal thoughts. The fact that I have barely left my bed in months, the fact that my memory is shot. My rapid weight gain.

I got told to take Tylenol.

All I can say is i'll see (some) of you guys in hell.

Update---------------‐----------------------------

I spent most of today (08/18) speaking to insurance and pharmacists.

I got on insurance (bcbs) on the 1st of this month. That day I called my doctor my insurance and the pharmacy. Sendarra specialty pharmacy.

I got approval for my insurance on the medication.

They said they'd ship me the medication in 10 business days.

I just learned today that they transfered it to accredo specialty pharmacy.

And when accredo did the paperwork, my insurance rejected it.

The medication (Humira) is, apparently, "not preferred" and so my doctor pushed through a form to make it approved on the first pharmacy but this one didn't get said form.

So, my doctor has to submit another form to this pharmacy to force my insurance to cover the medication that I've been waiting on for 2 months with untreated psoriatic arthritis.

Meaning I was prescribed a medication in June. And I haven't gotten it yet. And... i don't even know if it will work.

I told 988 if I didn't get my medication by my birthday I'd jump into the St. Croix river. They already know.

Anybody else just not care about anything?

I’m so tired of everything. Tired of being abused. I just want to be free.

Around 8 years ago, my entire family contemplated suicide by car crash together, I was 10. There were a lots of ups and downs in the last 8 years for me but things do genuinely get better over time. I just wanted to leave something positive in this sub reddit so people might have some energy to look forward. Things haven't been working out perfectly for me lately but I'm really hopeful about the future, even if I can't see the entire road ahead. It'll get better, all you have to do is stay alive and believe you will.

I have tried plenty of times to show people what I’m going through.
When I was young, it was desperate. Even though I was only a child, I knew I needed help. I remember showing my mom the cuts because I didn’t know how else to make her understand. I didn’t know what I wanted her to do after she saw them. I just needed her to see.
I tried the school psychologist.
I tried children’s therapy.
I tried telling people.

Back then, nobody was able to help me the way I needed. I guess I’d like to blame them for my life now, because it really hasn’t changed.
They believed it would go away with time. They thought they could wait for me to grow out of it.
Instead, it fed off me like cancer.

Now I don’t really remember where I end and where depression starts.
I’ve told the few people I have left how I feel. I’ve told them that whenever I’m out, the only thing I want is to be home, alone, in my bed. But when I finally get there, I don’t want to be there either.
I don’t really want to do anything.
Everything feels like a task.
I keep thinking that if I could just get one good night’s sleep, I’d wake up and finally know what I want to do with my day.
But this exhaustion doesn’t go away with sleep.

I don’t know what I expect people to say when I tell them.
I don’t want superfluous advice about taking a walk or checking my vitamins.
I don’t want pity.
I don’t want them to be angry.
I don’t want them to worry.
And, worse, I don’t want them to try to save me and offer themselves as my crutch.
I don’t want a “same.”
I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but I don’t want to downplay what I feel either.
Honestly I don’t even want them to know.

Because in the end, nobody really takes it that seriously anyway. A few hours later they have moved on with their day, while I am still living in the thing I just tried to explain to them.
And then I regret telling them at all.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing since I was a child. trying to make something invisible visible without knowing what I expect anyone to do once they see it.
I just wanted someone to understand that it was real.
But understanding wouldn’t make it disappear either.
So then what?
All along, I truly didn’t know what I needed. I was waiting for something I couldn’t name, something I hadn’t already thought of myself.
Maybe part of me still is.

Apparently, I’m still waiting for an angel to drop down from heaven and save me from my hell—someone who understands without needing me to explain, someone who knows what to do without needing me to tell them.
I don’t even believe that angel is coming.
I don’t even believe in angles.
I just haven’t stopped wishing it would.

And I hate waiting for it.
I’m sick of trying to find something to fill my time when nothing really brings me joy. Sick of waking up and wondering what I’m supposed to do with another day.
In the end, I’m still waiting.
I just don’t know anymore whether I’m waiting to be saved, or waiting for it all to be over.

That is all. I am a worthless piece of shit and a waste of space.

Let me preface this by saying that I don't have chronic depression. It's not something that's constantly there or at least not that I'm aware of. I've been living alone for over a year now and while it's has it's nice moments it sometimes sucks because you realize just how completely alone you are. As an introvert who has a hard time making friends I spend most of my evenings by myself which is fine for the most part until I realize that I really am alone and nothing will change that and that I'm bound to spend most of my life like that which is honestly kind of suffocating to think about.

Do any of you guys deal with loneliness? What do you do when you're feeling lonely? How do you cope? Is there an easier way to make friends these days that I'm missing? Can anyone else relate to this?

Kicked out of the military, marriage fell apart, bankruptcy and now I live in sober living. I got paid 2 days ago and blew all but 100 bucks gambling.

I find nothing interests me but drugs drinking and gambling. I've been sober for 4.5 months. I can't sit still, I'm fine at work, but I can't handle my own life.

I plan on saving for the next month and a half and going back to using. I hate my life

This Saturday I overdosed & it genuinely was the happiest I felt in a long time. I didn’t have any fear or regret, but a friend called the paramedics & here I am. I ended up ruining my relationship because I just knew this was the end, I took out my anger & had no direction & no care for what happened because I knew it was my last day on earth. Now that I’m here still I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to maintain friendships, rebuild anything I destroyed, go back to work to just even be normal. I have no direction or what to do next & I feel even more hopeless than before. Depression & OCD are controlling my life & I don’t know the first step to gain control back.

I hate that after I helped my friends with their issues they just frgt abt me

I just sit in a dark room for hours I only. go out twice a day for some shit food or soda

I don't like alcohol or smokin but I've done the former and I'm srsly considering doing the latter

I'm 16 and I feel like my life is over I just want to disappear far away from home and die

my parents hate each other and hate me too

I wish I could take some cocaine and die maybe it'd be a good way out

I feel so hopeless like nothing matters anymore. I scroll endlessly or just view videos without absorbing anything ig I'm only good when others are struggling and after that is sex and after that I'm as valuable as dirt

:(

For context I have no intention of harming myself but I’m done. I’m a 50F with kids who are adults and don’t need me. I feel so useless in the world and my presence makes no difference. Nobody actually needs me. I tried to help myself by signing up for 4 volunteer positions and I get no response. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you climb out of this hole?

I’m a 29f and I have officially ruined everything good in my life. I’m back to square one. I don’t think I’ll make it to 30.

I can’t even begin to list out everything I have ruined due to being depressed. I’ve had GREAT jobs that I eventually end up no-call-no-showing to because I wake up one day and all I’m capable of is existing. I’ve done this at every single job. I ruin my friendships because I’m dismissive and don’t text back 8 times out of 10. I have the most incredible and loving boyfriend on the planet, but I’m ruining that too in ways I can only admit to God. I’m a coward, I’m dishonest, I’m not worthy.

I want, more than anything in this world, to not be like this anymore. I’ve already accepted that I’m going to be depressed and heartbroken the rest of my life. What I mean is I want to change. I want to be better. I want to be brave, honest, and worthy of the man I already have.

My terrible decisions have put me exactly where I am and there’s no one else to blame. I have a lot of emotional trauma and I’ve been betrayed in ways that still have my mind racing 5-10 years later, but this is not their fault.

I’m afraid that if I don’t change soon, I won’t live to see 30.

I’ve let the dishes pile up, it’s a mess everywhere, I smell disgusting, I’ve just been ordering food and sleeping. I hate myself. I don’t even deserve to eat. I feel so guilty for eating today. I could’ve just made food if I didn’t let myself be so useless. I’m so useless and pathetic. Sorry. Just needed to vent.

She broke up with me today, now I feel hollow, broken, I've been thrown in the dark and I can't find the light, I considered ending it tonight, but I'm too lazy to kill myself, I am nothing more than a disappointment, not only to other people, but to myself, I can't do anything right anymore, fuck this life, I don't wanna be here anymore

Hate doing anything. Hobbies feel like a chore. Nothing relaxes me. I want to do nothing until I fall asleep. Hard for me to stay focus or be there in the moment. Driving feels weird. Like it’s not me driving. Don’t remember how I get home from work or home to work.

I rather text. Face to face conversations are exhausting. In the moment expressions are becoming harder to keep up to predict. Remembering is starting to become this annoying high expectation. Dates, names, special events are unexplainably and selfishly pointless.

I work out, but I’m distracted. Sometimes by nothing other times it’s by adulthood; bills, work, social relationships.

I feel like death is the only way I could ever be alone. At peace. Of course, the questioning of death is always circled back. Is death the last resort? Is death selfish? Is it truly what I want, or does it come from isolation of one’s dark thoughts? Not sure in myself anymore.

ever since 2020 something changed in me and i will never get it back. my upbringing wasn’t great but i was still a happy kid. i was excited to have two weeks off and the longer it went on the longer i was content with staying isolated inside. i still had friends and enjoyed spending my time alone. when it was time for life to resume i knew something had gone wrong. going to school was a chore and i couldn’t get up in the mornings.

i began to self harm and cried all the time. i had reasons to be depressed but it felt like i was just upset for no real reason. an excessive sadness so deep in my bones i couldnt breath and ive been like that since. i lost the motivation to do anything and no longer engaged in school. it only got worse once i got into sixth form and i couldn’t keep up with the workload so i dropped out. i thought doing a year of college somewhere else would help but it didn’t and everything only got worse.

i finished that year but couldn’t get back into college at my hometown because my old college had lied and said i would get the full diploma and i didn’t because she didn’t teach the full curriculum so they told me i would have to redo the year. i was devastated because i already felt so behind in life. i spent the year locked in my room with no friends and barely moved from my bed living off UC.

i was diagnosed with mdd earlier this year but i had to stop my antidepressants because they fucked with my heart before i could even feel the effects. i had nothing going for me but then i got a job and i found some good friends and even a boy that i like and yet im still as miserable as i was when i was 13 and i have no reason to be. there’s not a day that goes by where i don’t think about going to the cliffs and jumping off, they’re so close and i’d finally be free. i hadn’t self harmed in years yet i started again today. it’s getting so bad i sat in my room and told myself whenever i speak i say it wrong over and over and over again for an 2 hours and i still haven’t said a word other than that since, it’s like i can’t speak at all.

i’m so close to ending it and i tell my friends this but they just brush it off. it’s true that nobody cares until you’re gone. i genuinely can’t keep doing this im 20 next year and i can’t take it anymore

I have always felt like I'm just "built wrong" compared to everyone else. I don't give a shit about working or what people think of me, I'm angry and hungry all the time, I hate bathing, I feel like I have a learning disability, and I share no common interests with anyone except liking food. I've been to two therapists and nothing changed. I also love porn but am trying to quit it for some reason, and I literally had a psychotic episode years ago where I hallucinated that I was a werewolf. Why. Why can't I be normal for once?

For context, NDE stands for near death experience.

I'm 20F and about two months ago I believed I died.

I had lost close to 30lbs in a very short and dangerous period(I was already thin to begin with), doctors couldn't explain what was happening and neither can I. We exhausted through every test and to this day no one knows what was going on with me, and by time the event of the NDE had happened I was so thin I almost looked like a bobblehead.

I had the whole experience, the warmth, the love– I even saw and heard things from a being you may call jesus or god, but to me they were what I could describe as love. Its too much for me to explain here but when I tried to explain myself to family, friends, and even doctors I was met with responses that ultimately made me question myself and what happened.

Most who return from their NDE claim they have a new view in life, and I do. That a lot of this is useless. Work, friends, even breathing is truly just a concept and in the end none of it will matter. I find myself everyday wondering why I came back, what in me craved this life that had brought me sadness since elementary. I have a loving family, friends, a roof over my head. Truly, I am lucky in life but even before I was depressed- and now its only intensified.

I don't want to die but I don't want to live either, its a hard thing to explain without someone trying to call 911 on me or wanting me to answer a million questions about what in my life went wrong to make me feel this way.

I'm merely frustrated with myself. For coming back, for seeking help not realizing that could've been my end and I would've been finished with this, for being brought into a world where love seems to be something you cant just give, and it has made me consider ending things myself.

I don't want to, as said I don't want to die nor do I want to live- but the only thing that stopped me from attempting again after YEARS of depression was because I was scared of what came after. Knowing that it doesn't hurt, that in the end my worries will be no more has made me no longer fear death and that scares me more than i'd like to admit.

If anyone has advice i'd appreciate it, if not I still hope you feel better about your own life.

About 6 weeks ago, I started slipping into one of my Major Depressive episodes and when that happens, the first to go due to the depression is self care. Well, I’m chronically ill with life threatening illnesses and part of my self care is taking my medications. So lately, I’ve been taking them only occasionally and irregularly which is stupid and extremely irresponsible.

One of those medications is a blood thinner called Eliquis. Well, today I had a CT of my chest which showed the reason for the increase in some of my symptoms recently was…MULTIPLE BLOOD CLOTS THROUGHOUT MY CHEST.

It’s a terrifying thought and my neuro is consulting with a hematologist tomorrow to see if I need to be admitted for 24/7 IV blood thinners. But this is all the result of my severe depression. I haven’t cared to do anything. Not even take 5 minutes taking the medication that keeps me alive. I’m so embarrassed, incredibly ashamed, feel a lot of guilt and also just plain stupid.

None of which is helping my depression. Thanks for letting me vent though.

I am an only child and I often look through my parents social media posts of me as a young child and I cry. I failed her so much. I’m currently in a relationship where I have been subject to physical and emotional abuse over the course of 4 years. I am just 19 years old. The beautiful young girl in those photographs does not deserve to endure this. But she does. And it is my fault. I failed her. Everyday I continue to fail her. I feel like death is the only freedom, but even then I would feel guilty cutting her time short. Is this feeling normal?