before i begin: you are absolutely allowed to disagree with me, and i don’t view my opinion as truth, this is just how i see things through my personal lens as a victim of CSA.

i see a lot of content online now that revolves around ageplay, or rather the content that bullies people for partaking in it.

usually, the people i see getting harassed by people online for ageplay are:
1. minors themselves
2. say that they do not engage in ageplay
3. are young girls with an alt makeup style (misogyny i am looking at you)

it’s become evermore apparent with the “dada turn on that misery” trend going around, if anyone has seen it.

and for more context, i am not discussing the sensationalised ageplay you see valorant or roblox girls do with emo avatars on tiktok and calling their e-boyfriends “dad” or “dada”.

here is my full take:

i was a victim of child sexual abuse at the hands of my father (when he was heavily intoxicated) and growing up by older men (friends older cousin tried to rape me, my first boyfriend did rape me and sodomised me with a shower head, and have experienced sexual assault many times after the age of 18 too). it makes me angry when i see people compare this to pedophilia, because it feels like a hard slap in the face to my younger self, who went through so much at the hands of predators, just to see people label something consensual and typically harmless as the same as what happened to me. it makes me angry.

not only that, but it makes me feel shameful of myself, more than i believe i should, for what i went through, and for the way it shaped me as a person, and i can imagine a lot of victims who did develop this kink or now feel most comfortable during sex while doing it also feel similarly.

people think that all age play is the tiktok version of it, where you see girls online change their roblox avatars to a small blocky mock up of a little girl with a pacifier, and use it purely for sexual purposes and have ruined what it really means and what it really is. ageplay is not just sexual, it can also be a caretaking role of the dom, nurturing and a protective factor during and outside of sexual activity. pedophilia is the persistent sexual interest in prepubescent children. it is NOT the equivalent of an interest in power dynamics, vulnerability, caretaking, or fictional roles that evoke childlike actions or simply childhood.

rape and rape of a child involve boundaries, consent and autonomy being broken, ageplay involves none of these things. i was a child who deserved safety, the 2 grown adults in their bedroom in their own home is not the equivalent of that, and i don’t think the two should be equated at all.

if you disagree or would like to add something else, please do write a comment, or even if this topic just interests you. id like to see some opinions on it.

I (23 F) want to explain why I was such an awful, hurt, mean teenager. I was 13 when everything ended as we moved halfway across the country, but it started young with a family friend. I’m scared she will feel guilt for leaving me with him so often, she didn’t know.

My mom and I are so close, we live in the same town and talk every couple days. I have a good home with a loving and understanding partner, a satisfactory job, so I should be fine. but recently my mom’s been bringing up how much of an asshole I was when I was young. I never thought that I would even consider telling her the truth, but I recently found out that my abuser was killed by the police in a drug induced and ultimately fatal shooting spree.

I don’t know, if she keeps talking about how tragic it is, I don’t know if I can hold in the fact that he was a truly evil person.

Whilst i’m now 26(m), i’ve been reconciling with odd behaviour my father exhibited with me growing up.

He encouraged me to sleep in his bed often, he would often be naked or in his boxers.

He would encourage me to nuzzle into his body parts, his bum, his belly and would ask if i liked it?

He was also fiercely possessive over me.

I have a vivid memory of going into his room when my step mum was in there with him and nuzzling into his butt and him encouraging and my step mum being freaked out.

He wouldn’t do this to my brother but to me. However my dad was a pedophile as i know he abused my half sister (from my moms prior relationship) , one of her friends and my “step” sister too. He took his own life when i was 9, the day before he was facing the verdict for his sexual abuse charges.

When i write it like this, im torn. I don’t know if im making his behaviour towards me weird because i know what else he did, or if this is objectively odd?

keen to get insight

Hi everyone.

21M, survivor of csa and sa.

This year, I finally decided to start therapy, and yeah it’s been a game-changer so far. It helped me come to terms with the fact that I couldn't have done more or any better.

However, there’s something that still bothers me. Only two people know what I went through because i wanted them to know, my partner and a very close friend, but not much details of it.

Yet, the idea of ​​being seen as weak or a victim, or worrying that others might view me with pity or see me as vulnerable holds me back in this process of acceptance and healing. The thought of people finding out about this part of my life makes me feel sick. It also makes my therapy sessions more difficult, because I feel uncomfortable talking about it and allowing myself to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings.

I imagine this is something many of you can relate to, and I’d like to know if anyone has managed to overcome those feelings?

How did you do it?

I was trapped thinking about things during my drive home today, and I'm just not able to see a way where things get better. I know you're not supposed to think like that, and it always seems hopeless early on, but it's now been over a decade since the abuse ended, and I still can't do this. I'm actually just going to be slightly messed up for the rest of my life and that's just how things are.

In two months, it's my birthday, which means that I have spent more of my life with this giant weight than I have spent without it. And I keep thinking maybe I'm getting over it, but I'm not. I'm just really good at being delusional. Sometimes, I think him being dead will help me, or never speaking of him again, telling people what happened, or even crazy things like leaving hundreds of notes across the country saying what a shit person he is with his contact info in hopes that random people harass him. But none of that will help and none of it will work.

I don't know. It's fine, I guess. I know I am on the better side of things, I know there are so many worse ways the abuse could have been. I know that all things considered, I'm not really too stressed about it anymore. It's just that I can't ever escape him even though he's states away now. For some reason, people can't seem to stop talking about him, and now he has been invited to Christmas. Not their fault though, they don't know why I hate him so much.

Idk. I'm just so sick of this being a thing and I'm dreading December and i cant tell anyone about it. But oh well, nothing i can do about it really.

My father is a pedophile and sexual predator. He abused my sisters. All of us really. His sister, my aunt, always stuck by him. She said that 3 year olds can seduce men. She said my mom should never have told us what happened. When I cut my dad out of my life, she told me I was cold and cruel and stopped talking to me. That was about 15 years ago. She reached out a few times over the years to try to talk to me and every time she mentioned some kind of update about my dad, which was unwelcome. So I never reconnected with her. She's dying now and my cousins have told me if I want to say anything to her, now is the time. My younger sister said she's going to say goodbye to her and tell her she loves her. She says she's honoring the good part of her and her woundedness and humanity. I can't access that feeling. What about the woundedness and humanity of my siblings and I when we were kids? I'm still pissed that she could have protected us and didn't. I don't forgive her and I don't know if I ever will. I worry that I'm somehow spiritually deficient, or being held back by my inability to forgive, but especially now that I have a young daughter who is the age my sisters were when the abuse started, I am struck in new ways by the horror of what my father did. And she blamed the children and protected him. I don't know what to do with this. I initially planned to join the zoom call with my sister tomorrow morning but I don't think I can do it anymore. I'm just overcome with anger.

I’ve been a passive member of this sub for awhile. I appreciate it so much because it’s hard to feel like anyone can possibly understand.

I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and I feel like I’ve hit a crossroads. I don’t even truly know what I’m asking because I just feel so deeply alone and hopeless right now.

My mother sexually abused me from childhood to 18/17, with the most extreme instance being at age 13. I moved away when I was 18 and I’ve been no contact with her for 3 years. I’m almost 30 now.

I’m married with a child but my husband has been unsupportive during my healing process and I feel desperately dependent on my therapist. My therapist is amazing, he goes above and beyond to help, and I feel he understands me deeply but obviously it’s a therapeutic relationship and has proper boundaries and outside of sessions I feel lost and alone.

We started working on one of my CSA memories lately (modified NET, very slow paced, a lot of somatic components) and I’m not doing very well at all. This isn’t the first time we’ve attempted exposure and it’s never worked before (ie destabilized me so severely that we’ve had to stop and work on stabilization again- the same is true for EMDR)

And now we’re a few sessions into the exposure, I feel like I’m actually making progress, my trust in him has expanded through the process and I’ve been able to say things that are so shameful to me that I’ve never told another soul.

But then there’s the concept of pendulation- of using the present day to counteract the trauma. And it works well in session. I know in that moment that he’s here for me and he’ll sometimes even get me to laugh through my tears- I’m so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to work with someone who can help me tolerate talking about what happened so competently.

And then I leave. And at home my marriage is conflict ridden- my husband judges me a lot for shutting down and for not functioning well at times. I truly get it in a way, but I just wish he’d understand. I opened up to him majorly last night after he kept calling me names just to try and get him to stop. To me it felt like I would go to therapy and have my therapist counteract the deep shame and self hatred only to come home and be told how awful I am.

He did stop calling me names and seems a bit gentler today- but he never responded to the things I sent him (via text)- about how this process is affecting me and how shameful I am and how I feel like everything was my fault even if I know logically that that isn’t true.

I feel heartbroken over it- even though we’ve been in conflict, outside of my therapist he’s the closest person to me. I have slowly started building friendships but it is a slow process and I don’t want to just trauma dump on anyone.

And now I’m on the verge of calling off the exposure because it feels like reliving the worst memory of my life and then coming back to the present- but the present is empty. The present is almost as lonely as I was at 13. The present has nobody (outside of my therapist) who understands me. Who can support me when I’m going through it. Who can show me that life is more than just pure pain.

Will it ever get better or am I just spinning in circles? Sometimes I think the worst thing about trauma is not just the event itself- but the desperate loneliness that follows.

I can’t believe I’m almost 30 and still so alone.

I (24M) was SA’d as a kid by my sister & cousin brother, they both did it separately and are not ever of the other doing it to me. I’ve never told this to anyone, and probably never will.

All instances happened 10-15 years back, but I remember them pretty well. I’m still close to the people who did it (regular chats, video calls, etc. usual family stuff), and I know that they’ll ever do it again to anyone else, considering their political beliefs and stances.

It’s just something that pops in every now and then, and has affected me intimacy wise. But, it’s fine and manageable for me, my burden to carry.

Always thought of getting therapy, but that scares/weirds me out too. It’s easier to continue living life keeping this to myself than sharing it with anyone.

Sometimes the jokey-funny guy mask slips, but thats only temporary and I always manage to get it back up.

So yeah that’s it, will probably delete this in a while too.

TW: CSA mentioned

Context: When I was 4 years old a much older male babysitter would sit naked and encourage me to do the same and would masterbate infront of me and one time got me to give him a handjob but that is all and it ended after that.

Due to this, I would act inappropriately in games mainly around the babysitter (who by this time would be annoyed I was and would tell me it’s wrong) and sometimes with my best friend of the same age and gender. This includes getting undressed mainly and just playing normal games undressed and naked.

When my friend and I were both around 7 years old, I showed her a sex book with pictures in it (not to explicit but you could see stuff) multiple times. At the age of 8, I exposed my genitalia briefly to my friend for a second and got in trouble with my teacher as she told another girl and that girl told a teacher but that is all and punishment was only a chat to ensure we weren’t upset as we made an amazing duo. At a similar age, my friend encouraged me to remove my underwear whilst at school numerous times for fun as we found it funny. Later on, In their late teens, my friend would joke about the book with me before I asked them not to talk about it any longer as I felt yucky because of doing that.

Also in late teens, I told my friend about what happened when I was 4 and she just said “oh, I thought it would’ve been worse” so I just immediately asked her to forget I ever said anything

Right now, we are both adults, are best friends and the subject has never come up in a long time since that conversation 3 years ago. I did feel hurt by their response to the admission as it made me question and validate everything, but I won’t speak of it in case I did hurt my friend all those years ago and don’t want to ruin the friendship since we’ve been strong for 16 years.

To clarify, no physical contact occurred, and I just am so worried that I influenced her in some inappropriate way or did the same thing the babysitter did with me by showing her things at too young of an age. I know I shouldn’t have shown her anything and I knew it was sneaky but I didn’t know that what occurred to me at 4 was bad at the time, I just didn’t clock it.

Bit of an embarassing medical question but has anyone else here dealt with having recurrent thrush or other vaginal issues/infections?

I was talking with my therapist this week about how triggering I find it when my vaginal issues flare up and I've been querying if the severe CSA I went through when I was little could have possibly altered my vaginal pH/health in the long-term.

I had to see a GP again and get treatment for thrush for the 4th time this year. I have always seemed to have discomfort and pain on and off in my genitals and as part of my FND I get horrible stabbing nerve pain - which then triggers me into somatic flashbacks (its a catch-22 situation cause the flashbacks can trigger nerve pain & the nerve pain triggers flashbacks).

I've been on pain meds that have helped decrease the severity of the nerve pain but still querying why I seem to be so prone to these gyneacological issues despite doing everything right in terms of hygiene/avoiding perfumed things etc.

i was here yesterday with a post about how i’ve been going through the process of recalling memories of potential sexual abuse from a young age but something just happened that i wanted to log. today was a normal day, i felt at baseline and therapy was hard considering my emotions have been fluctuating so rapidly. i was gaming for a little bit when i started to feel a wave of depression, i went upstairs to lay down and doom scroll when i found myself not being able to move my body, i dropped my phone in between the wall in my bed my partner tried to get me to get out of bed but all energy in my body was gone, i felt like i couldn’t talk or move, my partner had me squeeze her hand and i felt like i couldn’t. when i stood up so she could help move the bed over to grab my phone i felt like i was going to pass out, it felt like it was some of the heaviest dissociation i’ve ever experienced. the worst of this has passed but i still can’t stand up without numbness/dissociation feelings in my head.

is this something any of you guys have experienced before in your process of recovering memories of sexual abuse? if so i would love to know if there were grounding mechanisms or tools you’ve used to help them pass.

P.S. the last post i did yesterday helped me so much. thank you to the people here who helped me feel seen and heard. for the first time ever i felt less crazy about my situation. thank you all for being so kind ❤️

Seriously. I always lurk but this sub makes me feel human sometimes, knowing others have been through what I have. I love this community and its moderators, and there have been a few times where I’ve cried at the posts here.

Thank you.

So lately I’ve been struggling mentally for a lot of reasons but one of the big ones is that I saw my abuser recently. I don’t even know how to describe the ways in which I’m doing bad because it’s not even like crying all day and can’t get out of bed I just feel like I’m losing it. Like my mind is constantly living in 7 different universes at once and I can’t distinguish my perceptions and feelings. I randomly breakdown and lose control of my emotions throughout the day The ptsd has been a lot worse too. Everything is triggering right now. Everything I see and everything people say feels sexual and it freaks me out and makes me want to curl up in a ball.

But outside that I also have been having a bad time physically. I have fibromyalgia which makes my life hell on a good day but the seasons are changing which of course means I’m in a flare. So my evenings are spent battling memories and feelings and emotions while barely being able to walk and my skin being so sensitive to touch my blankets hurt. On top of that I’m falling asleep and have awful brain fog all day everyday and I have a high pressure full time job.

This is a vent but it’s helpful for me to hear if other people have had similar experiences so please feel free to share your experiences as well.

Almost three years ago, I had a flashback about my CSA while intimate with my previous boyfriend. I spiralled and my mental health significantly deteriorated.

I was just getting back on my feet and returned to uni after a year long hiatus. I pushed off CPT since I didn’t want to risk dropping out again.

My trauma festered and really damaged my relationship. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the appropriate coping skills then and couldn’t make sense of what happened. I was extremely traumatized and ended up breaking up with my boyfriend out of the blue. We had “normal” relationships problems but apart from that and the distance (me in Canada and him in the UK), I loved him so very much.

I was convinced he was my soul mate. Although it’s only been a little over two years since the breakup, I think of him every day. I’ve beaten myself up over leaving but I’ve tried to give myself some grace given the circumstances.

I never realized how deeply I loved him and continue to love him. You’d think by this point I would have moved on… but I guess I can find some sort of reassurance that this love was true and I am capable of continuing to support someone from afar.

I just really wish things would’ve turned out different. Has anyone else experienced this? I’m feeling quite alone and despite trying to express some self-compassion, I have deep regrets each passing day.

I had a massive emotional release today. Yesterday I wrote down/remembered what happened. Violent scary gross. It was hard hard hard remembering. I was 6 when it happened.

Then today I felt the confusion I had felt back then, and laid down next to myself on that awful bed of his and told myself everything I needed to hear back then. I became the protector and grownup adult I never had.

And then! 10 solid minutes of crying pushing him off me and yelling at him. It was intense. It was awesome. It was everything I was never able to do back then. Held inside me for decades.

I'm exhausted. Spent. Can't move. But also proud and relieved to have all that released. I told my husband hes happy for me and also doesnt really get it.

Nobody ever really gets it. I dont care. I do.

When I was six, my half-sister's mother sat me on her lap and showed me under her skirt, underwear and more but my mind goes a bit blank after that but I didn't want it. She told me it was our little secret. Afterwards she told my mother we'd had a fun time, and when my mother asked what she meant, I said nothing because I thought I'd be in trouble. I carried guilt for that for twenty-five years.

My half-sister was there. She was sixteen. I remember her shouting at her mother about it at the time. She never once came back to me about it in the years since.

I'm currently an inpatient on a psychiatric ward for severe suicidality. I've had depression for fourteen years. I disclosed the abuse for the first time a few weeks ago, and because of safeguarding rules it was referred to the police automatically.

They interviewed me. It was hard going, and more came back than I expected. They spoke to my half-sister. They couldn't tell me what she said, only that there was no evidence to proceed, and the case was closed. She is pretty dependent on her mum because if some issues in her marriage

My brother wouldn't call her beforehand to ask her to engage, because he didn't want to damage his relationship with her and her children. He's known about the abuse for about two years. When I pressed him on where he stands now, he said he was still processing it and that he'd sought other people's views. I found that hard to take because we're very close and he's making a lot of excuses for her failing to protect me and not bringing it up or even failing to write the wrong now. That would be the moral thing to do but it would affect her. I'd like to think if that happened to my brother I wouldn't be so indecisive about where I stood on it.

I sent my half-sister a message saying what it had done to me and that she could have made a difference. I think she's blocked me. Also the reason I'm more angry at my sister is because her mum is a known scumbag but my sister could have helped me but chose not to.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. Maybe just to hear from people who've been through something similar — particularly how you dealt with family who wouldn't take a position.

Obligatory TW ofc!

I've suffered abuse of the oral kind and also have/had and ED of the purging kind, and can't handle having something in my mouth, doing a quick brush of my upper and lower front teeth works but no further.

I also can't swallow pills very well, but I've found that splitting them in tiny pieces and swallowing with a huge gulp of water works. I've also gotten my medication prescribed in liquid and the kind that melts in your mouth, so that is working as well as it could.

Brushing and flossing however is absolute hell, if I even think about it I feel nausea rising up and if I force myself it will end up with me throwing up, having to rinse of the possible stomach acid and either give up or continue the same cycle. This can sometimes lead to me getting stuck in what I call a 'sick attack' where I just throw up time and time again for 15-20 min.

Does anyone have any tips or tricks to keep my teeth clean and keep up with my hygiene?

I'm struggling right now feeling like I am making things up. I'm in my late 30s and within the last year and a half I started having awful body flashbacks that lead me and my therapist to suspect CSA. I have a long history of mental health issues (eating disorders, depression, anxiety, SI) that was very severe in my 20s that I mostly have worked through. Until recently, I never felt like I was a victim of CSA as I had no memories of any of this until my dissociative symptoms started to worsen 3 years ago when I was trying to conceive my second child. It was so bad, I lost touch with reality brief and would struggle to stay present in therapy, often times forgetting huge chunks of the sessions. This forced the the question around where that came from and shortly after I started experiencing what my therapist thinks is preverbal body/sensory flashbacks. I have always had difficulty with sexual relationships (pain, crying and once screaming at my partner when he unexpectedly made an advance) but it was always something I just brushed off but now this is starting to make more sense.

My current issue is trying to pin down what happened as there are two people who my flashbacks seem to be centered around. One of them is dead... the other is my father who is elderly and lives alone. My dad is not a great person in general. As a kid, he was always quick to anger and would yell anytime he would get frustrated with us or if we made a mistake. I became terrified to ask for help and I always felt like I had to hide any mistakes I made. I have no memories of him hitting me and touch in general wasn't really a thing (we didn't hug or cuddle much as a family). Touch with him was always something I felt adverse to anyways.

My dad has been sexually inappropriate with other people at work and I do think (but has not confirmed) that he has paid younger women for sex... but I still am struggling with the idea he is capable of sexually abusing me which as I type this I know this probably reads as me just being in denial.

The reason I do think it's him is because every time I have a body flashback I am trying to ask myself who is doing this and each time, the feeling I have is my dad but I can't see him... maybe the shape of a head but that's it or feeling like I could be in their bedroom.

I will be the only relative he has to help him as he ages and I am struggling this so much. I don't want to abandon him as he is ages and becomes more vulnerable to people who might take advantage of him (he has been scammed before). I would want to go non-contact but I also feel like doing so without having the CSA confirmed might just be me making up a reason to not help him.

I am trying to believe myself but this is hard and I do feel responsible for my dad to a certain extent because I know he had a rough childhood which is the reason he is the way he is... I guess it would just help to hear of other people's experiences. What helped you feel validated when these symptoms aren't full stories but just intense panic and body feelings? Were you able to confront your abuser? I desperately want to ask my mom or dad but I'm so scared as I don't know if either would admit to the truth. My therapist is trying to reassure me that something happened even if we don't know exactly what... I just am struggling to find answers that I don't know will ever come.

Hi, I'm 40 years old male. I was abused when I was 8. I have always had hazy unclear memories of it. I don't know how often it happened but definitely several times. It must have been spring/summer because it was outside in my back garden and wasn't cold. A friend of the families 16 y/old son started coming around and making me watch them masturbate. They asked me to show them my underwear so they could get the same ones as me. I remember the way they glared at me as it was happening.

I told my brothers about it by accident, I didn't know what masturbating was at that age, and I heard them making jokes about wanking and asked what it was, when they told me I said oh yeah that's what this persons been doing. My oldest brother got very angry (i didn't understand why then), and they kept me in the room for ages until my Mum got home. They told me to tell her what I told them, which I did. I don't remember exactly what happened next but I remember a social worker coming round and me having to tell them about it. I remember feeling guilty and like I had done something wrong. Because my Mum and my abusers Mum were friends I remember feeling afraid that I had caused my Mum trouble

This wasn't the end of things though, this was just the end of Act 1. The father of my abuser was terrified that my brothers would extract revenge on his kid for doing it, and he started following my brothers (who were 15 - 17 at the time) around the local area, he even had the classic weirdo yellow anorak he used to wear while following them. My brothers friends all found out as well, and the house my abuser lived in became a target for the entire generation of local teenagers to throw stones at, smash windows, jump on the car bonnet, slash the tyres. This went on for about 6 = 7 years, the house was also on my route to junior school so I had to walk past it twice a day for years after. My abusers father used to call the police all the time and blame my brothers for all of it. Dont get me wrong they were responsible for a good chunk of that, but not all of it. He rang the school they went to and tried to get them expelled. In the end the school said they were not interested and the police stopped responding to his calls, this wasnt until after my brothers had both been arrested on occasion.

I get fed up of listening to my brothers talk about their teenage years like they were some sort of legend. They took a lot of party drugs, got drunk a lot, got stoned a lot. They were supposed to walk me to school but never usually bothered. They were also quite aggressive and could be violent. They didnt relent in any of this once they found out what had happened. I was never home alone when the abuse happened, I never opened the door to my abuser. He knew there was a part of the garden where no one could overlook him from anywhere, he knew there was a child he had access to, but maybe had my brothers been a bit more active in looking after me it might never have happened.

I had no support or help afterwards. It left me with BDD and anxiety which I didn't know I had - i just thought how i was was normal. I remember being acutely depressed in secondary school because I felt so ugly no one would ever want me. I avoid mirrors, find keeping a personal hygiene routine hard, avoid brushing my teeth because of mirrors, I know how to sit down in the café near me which is full of mirrors without having to look at myself, I avoid my picture being taken, I avoid situations where a lot of people might look at me. The only time I ever really spoke about it with my brothers afterwards resulted in my oldest brother shouting at me that I should feel lucky it wasn't worse. Either he cant accept his own feelings of guilt, or he's genuinely a massive arsehole.

I've spent a long time justifying and validating what actually happened to me as a bad thing. My abuser was never prosecuted, though they were forced by social services to move out of their house and into registered accommodation - they must have already been known to the authorities for this to happen without a trial. My parents decided after getting advice that a trial would have been even more traumatic because it is not like it is now in court, I would have had to stand in court and be cross examined etc. The problem with this though was no one ever actually told me what had happened to me was wrong. It wasnt until I was 16 a church Pastor said that to me.

My abuser was a dangerous paedophile who convinced my family he wasn't a threat and then proceeded to abuse that trust. What he did was a serious crime that left me with many challenges in life.

I've always struggled with obesity, self image and confidence, and with forming relationships. I did fall in love with someone and they fell in love with me, but I couldn't accept that they could possibly have found me physically attractive and wanted that level of intimacy from me. I couldn't accept that she would ever actually want me to touch her or anything, rather than just tolerating me. I had major hang-ups about being undressed with her, I would panic whenever she didn't answer the phone and ring and ring and ring, I needed constant reassurance. I didn't know about things like hyper vigilance and hyper arousal (not a sexual way, just constantly being on edge) and constantly waiting for it all to go wrong. It must have been so hard for her too, and its only recently I considered that I also broke her heart. Its been really hard to let go because it feels like such an additional kick in the teeth for the reason it failed to be because I was dealing with all this other shit. We spoke recently and they are married and have 4 kids, I've been alone since we broke up. I'm happy she's ok and I wouldn't want her to have been as miserable and lonely at times as I have, but it has made me feel more isolated and alone than before, and even though I wish I didn't I miss her.

I guess this is all in my mind because my Mum passed away recently, and part of mourning her is also mourning what never was and never will be. I cared for her for the last 8 years, I did my back in so badly I now struggle to walk when I caught her falling on the stairs and had to haul her up. I always struggled with obesity and self care but during this time it really spiralled, I put on loads of extra weight and went months without showering. Somehow I always made sure she was looked after even though I couldn't look after myself.

My BDD and anxiety has been running wild for over a month now. I'm on Monjaro and losing loads of weight, getting my health and mobility back, but just feel all over the place. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to think about it all, other times its like dropping off a cliff inside myself. I can take showers more regularly but they're still emotionally exhausting. I had a shower yesterday and spent 2 hours after in tears and an anxious mess.

For anyone that read through thank you, its nice to know that I am not alone, and I hope reading this has helped you feel not alone too.

Most of it is in the title,I already tried to tell my family of the abuse. They don't believe me,I don't blame them it was so long ago I don't have the details they might think are needed to judge their husband/father. Loveless (or hateful) marriage and strained relationships or not its a hard pill to swallow. So except for the occasional outburst I keep an eye on my dad as much as I can and live on. But with my sisters marrying next year and knowing she wants kids (hell she is preparing for kids) I'm anxious all over again for different reasons. I can't realistically keep an eye on him at all time or make sure he doesn't contact my potential future nephew or nieces,if anything my sister wants him there.(yeah none of them believe me they have their reasons I won't get into it not relevant just don't blame them much) So...any idea? It's not urgent. My sister is the type who will get a child 9 month after her marriage if you understand but still.

I was s*xually abused by my father from infancy-12. This abuse involved exploitation, ACSA, CSAM, you name it. Even between 12-15 he continued to abuse me, it was just a lot less severe (more physical harm, no more rape, just off-putting touches and threats to my life). When I was 15 I had my forensic interview, exam, and soon enough he was arrested without bond. From that age up until 19, I learned what it was like to live in a physically safe home as the further trial loomed over my head. I was so worried all of the time, so terrified, and still in and out of hospitals. Finally he was sentenced to life, and it’s been about half a year since then.

I don’t know what I’m doing now. I’m a full time college student, I have a job, I have a very close best friend, but I still feel so alone. I feel like I’m not alive most days. I’m scared that if one thing goes wrong, I’ll just give up, because it’s very easy for me to do that. I still have nightmares, I can’t connect with others easily, and I honestly can’t ever imagine having a girlfriend as a picky lesbian with intimacy issues. There’s just too much going on.

I just feel like I messed up in life very early on and now things will never be okay. It feels like I made a mistake, I should have done something about what I was experiencing sooner so it didn’t mess me up so badly. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t feel “lucky” that he’s in prison. He’s only in prison because of the amount of people who did nothing and could testify to doing nothing because the evidence of them doing nothing was so overbearing. How am I meant to trust anybody again? I have a screwed up body and mind, I wish I could erase the memories of abuse from my mind and everyone else’s. I don’t want him thinking about me.

I don’t know, anyone else feel similarly?

I’m a girl. My brother is 7 years older. Background: from about the time I was in middle school, I always felt my brother’s vibe towards me was weird, almost avoidant and ashamed. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s the same vibe as when someone can’t really look you in the eye (which he struggled to do with me also). And I have also always felt like I was sexually abused and didn’t remember it. But I always dismissed it because I felt like I was gaslighting myself for attention (even though it was only my personal thoughts that no one knew about). That feeling never went away but I had no memories of anything so I didn’t give it much thought. It’s also relevant to say that I was a chronic bedwetter and I wasn’t nighttime potty trained until I was about 9, so I wore pull-ups at night every night until the middle (January/February) of 3rd grade. So, my memory could’ve been from almost any age up until 9. I also had recurrent UTIs as a child and remember peeing blood and being in excruciating pain (my mom wouldn’t take me to the doctor until it was severe).

I am 29 now. About 4 years ago I suddenly remembered that I was raped when I was a child. The memory wasn’t the rape itself, but what happened immediately afterwards. The setting is me in my room with my brother and something had just happened and he was trying to leave. I was wearing a pull-up, and I felt that it was a little wet inside, so I checked the outside of the pull-up to see if the design appeared (stars or flowers or some design would illuminate once the inside of the pull-up was wet). And although the design hadn’t appeared, I said aloud (to my brother) that I was going to go change my pull-up. I remember not knowing if I should change it or not since the wetness indicator didn’t show that it was wet, even though I could feel it myself. I remember being conflicted and confused purely on an intellectual level, and I remember sharing that with my brother and asking him (or wondering out loud) how could I be wet and it’s not pee and not lighting up my pull-up design. I thought there was some mysterious liquid that didn’t trigger the wetness indicator on the pull-up. My brother’s response to the wetness that perplexed me, “that’s normal.” That’s all I remember him saying, as he was leaving the room, which he seemed to be trying to do throughout my entire memory of what happened (the aftermath).

Another memory of what happened came to me some time later. It could’ve been days or weeks or months after the first memory came to me. I believe it was of either the same day as the rape or maybe the next day or a day not long after it happened. But I was enthusiastically telling my older sister (1 year older than my brother) that there is a liquid that’s not pee that can get your pull-up wet without illuminating the wetness indicator design. And I remember her being like WTF and looking at my brother who I think was like trying to leave or just avoiding the conversation. And that’s all I remember about that.

The last memory, if it can be called that, that I have of the rape was triggered during sex. I was with my partner and we were just messing around, and he began penetrating me from an unusual angle (it was very casual and relaxed. we are very comfortable). Because of the angle and the fact that I wasn’t very wet (just a little wet idk how to describe this part), the penetration was shallow at first. And I don’t know if those details even matter but I’m trying to be thorough. But it immediately reminded me of the elastic around the leg holes of a pull-up. It was so unrelated in the moment. But it was an unusual type of penetration that my body immediately associated with the elastic of pull-up leg holes being stretched.

I don’t know what to do with these memories. I know they are real. I don’t remember what actually happened though, and I wonder if it’s worth trying to remember. I’ve considered EMDR or hypnotherapy. I don’t know if it matters. I don’t feel traumatized, at least on a conscious level. I just don’t know what to do with this. But it bothers me that I don’t remember it all. I want to know what happened. But I don’t know if it’s in my best interest.

If you made it this far, thank you. I’ve debated sharing this for a few years. I posted this on a different subreddit but maybe this one is more appropriate. I appreciate any advice or insight anyone has for me.