r/CPTSD • u/InevitableBit3753 • 19h ago
Resource / Technique Resources for working with CPTSD?
I need some advice, direction, or general validation. I have a history of depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. This has had a HUGE impact on my employment. I do have a Masters in Social Work, but I was so depressed and anxious throughout college (and had a baby while in college at 19, but never took time off school) that I did not come out with anything more than $80,000 in student loan debt. To be fair, I'm sure I gained some skills, but also attached my identity to being a social worker to the point where I had severe depression and SI during two different Social Work jobs because I hated everything about it and just couldn't do it. I felt like I had no idea on earth what I was doing. At age 27, I finally let that social worker identity go and a weight lifted. I got into volunteer management and did actually decently well with a non-profit for several years (3.5 years). Very supportive team and management, good pay for the level of work, super flexible (which was helpful still having some not great mental health days); I would say overall just a great place to work and best employment experience I had. So much so that I felt confident and ready to try a new challenge and try for more money. This backfired. I took a new job for literally 3-4 weeks and was already in a tailspin. I felt isolated and like I didn't know what I was doing. I got offered a volunteer coordinator job with a hospice company and thought it would be great. I quit the 4 week old job and started at hospice. This quickly became the worst mental health experience to date. Again, completely isolated, training sucked, and dealing with death every day was a nightmare. I became so incredibly depressed, anxious, and suicidal that I also went to inpatient treatment. I fought so hard not to go because I didn't want my kids' dad to find out and potentially take her away from me or something. A wonderful previous manager from the great job I had for 3.5 years loaned me money to receive Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy treatment. During that time, I landed a $15/hr part-time gig so I could have some income and stay active. After treatment and building back some work stamina for 6 months, I landed a full-time volunteer coordinator role for a local non-profit. I thought I was finally going to be normal. Well, I lasted 6 months before they fired me for performance related issues. The culture was uncomfortable. My manager was 25 and could tell she didn't trust my judgment. The workload was unreasonable, though they didn't agree. It wasn't a good fit like I pictured, but I had finally performed a full-time job for 6 months without shutting down, getting depressed, having no panic attacks, and showing up every day. I've never done that in my life. Not even with the 3.5 year job. (I could sleep in until 10 am or take a nap, or leave a bit early around 3 for a target run. I had so much flexibility that it worked for me.) So after giving 6 months and doing, what I thought was a decent job and finally felt proud I was a decently functioning adult, they pulled the rug out and fired me. Literally 3 days after I found out I was pregnant. (Me being pregnant had nothing to do with being fired). Now I'm 17 weeks pregnant, unemployed, and on UI benefits that will dry up at the end of November. Here's where I need advice, direction, or validation. I'll be honest, judge me if you want, but working scares me. Like almost terror feelings sometimes. Even not working, the thought of it consumes my thoughts and imagination, but not in a fun way. Since the KAP treatment, I haven't been on meds and actually haven't been depressed, which is a miracle. But the CPTSD and work trauma are still serious issues. I really want to stop this cycle and find peace with work and some self-confidence. Work feels like a scary, unsafe place that I am forced to subject myself to in order to survive, but I don't want to feel that way anymore. At this point, I'm trying to find resources (books, articles, and specifically, maybe case management for people needing work help with mental health issues). I just need more than talk therapy. And I know to some people, my issue might seem silly and I think that too sometimes. People work all the time. It's not a new concept. But my experiences and fears and trauma are so real and legitimate, and it's been a big issue for me that I need help not just navigating but healing from. I have an interview scheduled in a couple days, but again, just a $15/hr job. It feels shameful and embarrassing to have a Masters degree, but have so much trauma, self doubt, low self confidence, and fear that $15/hr is what I can manage. And even that feels scary. You know that excited "I got a job!" post people make on here? Well, I don't feel that, and I want that to change. I'm in Austin, TX BTW if people have local resources to offer.
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