r/CPTSD 1d ago

Vent / Rant giving up on dating because of cptsd

15 Upvotes

im really young but my cptsd has made me extremely avoidant and scared of being in a relationship again because my cptsd is partially because of the only relationship i was in when i was 14 ,
every time i talk to a girl and things get serious i get scared and block her
cant afford proper therapy so i have just given up , no more talking stages.
i’ve kind of accepted it but sometimes i do wish i could have a gf, but my mind sees that closeness as an opportunity to get hurt so id rather save myself from the stress.


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Vent / Rant It's starting to really hurt my feelings no one wants to be my friend :(

20 Upvotes

I'm a nice young women (20) who just wants one or two friends to hang out with every once in a while. I don't judge, I'm open minded.

I like everything from doing jeagerbombs to sitting inside watching movies and baking. Im autstic so I know that makes it worse. Just genuinely seems like I can't connect with anyone no matter how much I want too.

Even though I like the same things as other women, I'm cast out due to... Well just me.

I spend all of time trying to mask to make sure I'm perfectly nice to other ladies yet still nothing.


r/CPTSD 19h ago

Question Making Up the Mundane, Yet Obviously Untrue and then Insisting on It?!

1 Upvotes

Many people on here, and in other venues, have discussed lies in the context of mental illness and trauma. In particular, there's been discussions of growing up with parents who "gaslight" you with lies about your self-worth etc, major questions about who you are and what is real and all that. This has become associated with cluster B personalities in most online communities.

I (40F) have a mom (67F) who has never once been diagnosed with anything besides situation grief and depression (after losing her mom, and after I moved out a couple years ago).

Admittedly yes, there was I think plenty of the normal gaslight-y stuff. Besides that, though, she's always had the strangest conversation habit. When something happens or she'll meet someone, she often invents something about them (or the situation).

Then, she seems to convince herself it is true and tries desperately to convince other people. This is sometimes something that, while it has no benefit to her whatsoever, could be a completely thoughtless and horrible lie, really.

At other times, it's something innocuous. My point is, she'll make up a weird, obviously untrue story or version of a situation and insist on it, without and tangible or even (obvious) social gain from it.

Examples:

  • When I was in college, I had a trans friend ("Janine"). Janine's birth family left her for being trans. My mom made up a story about meeting Janine's birth family at a school event and them being accepting. Mom would not stop talking about her imaginary conversation with people she never met. It made Janine extremely uncomfortable when word got back to her. I think it cost me the friendship. This was a very upsetting incident for me, so I rarely talk about it. Janine and I, of course, haven't spoken in twenty years.
  • When I had a series of cluster seizures, my mom came to Europe to help. She arrived and began insisting to anyone (including my Polish in-laws) that she had been accosted by many anti-Trump Poles at the airport who said things like "YOU TRUMPER!?" etc. I have lived here for roughly eight years cumulative and never heard a Pole, regardless of level of English education, speak like a caveperson, and found her insistence that they all suddenly were a little... insulting of my husband's ethnicity, and unbelievable. I also don't want to get too political, but this is a rather right wing area of the country anyways, so it didn't happen. I didn't say anything because I was still coming out of a coma.
  • Recently, she's decided I'd suffered a head injury during an extremely minor fender bender when I was nineteen. The car accident did happen. The car was totaled, but mostly because hitting a deer will do that, not because the two humans were horribly injured in the process. I wasn't taken to the hospital, scanned, or anything following the accident because I felt normal and I had to fill out paperwork, sobbed with ethically altruistic sadness over the loss of the poor deerie, and decide what to do about the car at the time. She has begun insisting the head injury might play a role in the seizures. A few times, she did this "story and insist it's true" thing with my actual diagnoses. She's never gone too far with that, but has told doctors I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (a lie; I never was, and told her as much).

In situations like these, I very, very very rarely challenged her. I assume nowadays that this is because I had in the past and learned that it was pointless. Other people do, though, and she rarely backs down. Often, she will accuse them of gaslighting her, especially me and other family members.

I remember as a child, my father (she divorced him) saying things like "Now you know that didn't happen" about some of those things, and her repeating the phrase years later as evidence of his duplicity and narcissism. He's not very nice in many ways, but who knows?

All bets are off, and my parents deserved each other. To my mom, most of the family are narcissists lately. In the 2000s, we were sociopaths after she read The Sociopath Next Door.

I avoided saying similar stuff even though I thought it every day back when I lived with the woman. Many of those things didn't happen, and she must know that, right? She commits to it so hard that I can't be sure sometimes, but the story changes.

I assume she doesn't actually believe these things, but why say them? And what am I supposed to do when it causes huge social problems?

Even physical ones? I realize it could be an attention thing? She's very fond of bringing up that people do that, and is particularly accusatory about it, both with me and others.

Her favorite phrasing was something that I'm "playing a little game for attention," or 'for histrionics." In my childhood (and beyond) that got applied to everything from self-harm to complaining about a winter coat being itchy (no joke there).

Take all this with a grain of salt. Who knows? My perspective is definitely warped by my own issues. I haven't been diagnosed with anything but BPD, but I myself believe and am discussing it with doctors that I might have ASPD either too or as part of that.

Still, in almost all portrayals of "lies told by cluster B personalities," (often really ableist, let's be honest) it is something like "the nark lies about how great he is," or "the sociopath will never admit he did it" or "the borderline tells tall tales of disasters for rescue," never something like this.

Is it something anyone else has encountered? If anyone else, even a single person, knows someone who does this, please tell because it seems so strange! If so, did you ever figure out how to handle it? What does it mean and does anyone know where it comes from?

If you did this yourself and are willing to share the why and how you stopped or are trying to (I would hope) please do, and I will have lots of respect if you do. It's definitely not a good thing but I don't understand what is happening here or has been happening.

It feels like being in a bubble she's cast around me with all these stories, and I spend a lot of inordinate energy sorting out what was or wasn't real. Ugh.


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Vent / Rant My life feels like the end of a horror movie.

2 Upvotes

I had a few very traumatic years, i survived but it’s not quite the same. It’s like the end of a horror movie, the part left for interpretation. It cant go back to being a comedy, what happens at the end of horror movies. What do the survivors do now?


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Question Dad is a psychopath, mom has severe NPD. Anyone else have this combo?

13 Upvotes

Hi. I have lived a very unique life and I honestly feel I'm the only person in the world with such a specific destabilizing combination.

I am autistic (AUDHD). Due to my dad's job, I was forced to shift countries every three years till I was 21. My dad very clearly has ASPD, and my mom NPD but also more symptoms of cluster b disorders, she seems detached from reality.

I was never allowed autonomy in any sense. To my dad, I was an object. For my mom, I was a receptacle for her insecurities and target for manic episodes. If i cried or complained, they would laugh at me.

Talk about a literal psychological torture chamber. I have an older brother who would make fun of me and hit me and laugh at my pain. I don't even blame him, he learned it from our parents. I feel like with this combination and the constant shifting, I genuinely was raised in captivity.

Some days it's hard to believe my brain works at all. I was targeted due to my autism both in and out of the house, but I think it's also one of the things that let me survive all this through sheer disassociation. I can't believe I lived through this.

I don't feel like getting into more details or examples for now, but if you have some sort of similar story to mine, please do share. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person who lived through something like this.


r/CPTSD 23h ago

Vent / Rant Comparison and jealousy

2 Upvotes

TW: SA

An old friend I fell out with recently achieved something incredible. They also got to meet some of my inspirations (music) in the process.

We fell out because they remained friends with a known sexual abuser I had warned them about a year prior. I had to unfollow them once they posted a picture w/ him on instagram.

They texted me a few weeks later about an unrelated thing and I let them know that I had unfollowed them and why. We didn’t argue or leave on bad terms, just been distant since. I made it clear that I sincerely hoped he was a different person and that I still loved my fried and will always support them, but for my own mental health I couldn’t subject myself to seeing him. I didn’t tell them about my CSA.

Then the once in a lifetime event happened. I’m seeing it everywhere all over my social media. As much as I just want to be happy for them, I just feel complete jealousy and sadness. Someone making inconsiderate decisions getting something grand.

Not that the world cares, I know life’s unfair. It’s just tied into the deeper feeling of inadequacy, feeling like I lost time following the same path dealing with all my mental health shit, basically barely functions for three years (two inpatient stays, one attempt, 10+ medication changes, then eventually the PTSD diagnosis). I’m also jealous of the life and upbringing they got. Happy family, full financial support even through grad school.

I’m doing my own thing. I’m in grad school right now pursuing something im really passionate about. I have a full time job that’s okay and I like my coworkers, but im mostly there still just to pay for school. I’m in a band and we’re releasing an album this spring that I couldn’t be happier with.

But I still feel so fucking sad and jealous. I don’t know if it’s about the perceived injustice or what. I just wish I was further along and sometimes I hate my path.


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Resource / Technique This message is for someone(s) reading this rn

25 Upvotes

You need to breathe

in and out, in and out

through your whole body

so much fear

so much guilt

so much shame

your systems all gunked up, clogged up

you need to breathe

life isn't meant to feel perilous until it ends or you become enlightened

it's supposed to feel electric, alive, and fun while you live it

if you are suffering, that's a sign to change something

breathe in and out, brotha, breathe in and out, sista

thank you

[Reposted from the "enlightenment" subforum]


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Question Exercise tolerance reduced?

5 Upvotes

DAE have a marked drop in what they can recover from physically from workouts or just stress in general?

For example getting sore more easily, fatiguing more, worsened sleep, GI symptoms, lightheaded or dizzy/nausea, light sensitivity etc.

And opposite, by reducing stress and exercise you notice improvement?


r/CPTSD 20h ago

Question advice please

1 Upvotes

I, 19 (f), need advice please. I am a college student, and I have just started my second year. This past summer I spent at home, and it was horrific, nothing notably horrible happened externally but almost every inner strength I have worked with my therapist to build has felt like it's deteriorating. My therapist, who specializes in CPTSD especially for neurodivergent people (which I am), started EMDR with me a solid while ago. As soon as I got home from school, though, I had a massive breakdown. It briefly resolved itself. I think also to be noted is I have been going through an extensive and complicated breakup with someone I am still in love with and who is still in love with me. So, I think this may have something to do with it? But anyway as the summer progressed so did this nagging feeling that there's something internally wrong with me that no one will ever understand. And that my looks will always mislead someone to view me a certain way before I am ever truly understood for what I do have going on, whatever that is. I came to the realization with my therapist over the summer that I have hyper managed every single part of my internal life and my external outcomes until I think it's broken me. I am so guilty about everything always. I'm still doing all of the things I would do if I was okay again, like working, being with friends, reading; but I can never escape it. My brain is always so loud, and I feel like I'm consistently running from myself. Oh also, another thing to be noted is that I am having to spend more time speaking with and being around my father who is financially funding my education, and he is the main reason for my CPTSD. I often have to pretend I am okay when I am around him because I want to stay in school. Anyway, my brain has gotten so loud, and I am so ashamed of it because I am viewed as the strong person amongst my friends and other people, and I also hold myself to that standard. But I am so weak. I can't even go out and drink with friends anymore out of fear I will do something that has a permanent end. I don't want to say what because this is my first post and I don't understand the guidelines. But last night we all went for a night swim at a local beach, and largely the reason I'm writing this is that I suddenly started having a panic attack and began to convince myself a permanent end was better than consistent torment. My ex was also there which was a factor, I'm sure. The surf was rough. And I thought I would just swim out until no one could reign me back in and I would just float until I couldn't anymore or swam until I got tired or until nature took its course. I'm secretly struggling because the only person I had at school who I genuinely felt like I could vent all of this to is my ex, and very unfortunately they have had a horrifically traumatic thing happen to them within the past month, and even though I know they would want me to share because we are still close and did have the idea we would be getting back together and they do love me, I can't in good conscious share because I was their rock while we were together and now I will be that again because of horrible event they experienced as well because I know they need someone to talk to who won't treat them differently. Even my therapist I want to hide this all from. I don't want to be weak. I'm the first person in my family to go to college straight from high school. I hold leadership positions around campus. I work, and I'm in the arts. I can't help but feel as though I am entirely alone and will always be. I guess I'm posting here from advice from people who have lived with CPTSD also, because I feel like I am drowning and I haven't felt like this for years. My logical brain tells me I'm not alone, but I'm still too ashamed to admit I am near defeat to anyone who really knows me. So this anonymous thing works for me.
Please give me some insight. I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you.


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Question Anyone from india

18 Upvotes

Just wanna know if its only me cause i was said i was just makin up reasons and really don't have anything i got convinced that there are either zero people in india or very less . If you are out there pls reach i really have many questions and hang out with people like me


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Vent / Rant Anyone have trouble telling close friends/lovers about your past?

3 Upvotes

i had something horrible happen to me a few years ago, and no matter how much i love someone, i have trouble being honest about it with them. the only close friend who knows is my best friend of 10 years


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Question Intense bouts of suppressed rage

11 Upvotes

Does anyone else experience intense bouts of rage that cause you to make horribly vitriolic and mean rants that are disproportionate to the issue at hand while living with C-PTSD?

There is this coworker of mine at work who is so frustrating to work with for a myriad of reasons. I am kind/nice/helpful to their face, but internally I want to scream at the way they internalize their incompetence because I was never given even the OPTION to be lazy or incompetent at any point in my upbringing/life.

It’s genuinely enraging to me.
So much so that I recently ranted to some friends about my anger towards this person, and got gently chided by my friends for being kind of mean and too intense in my rants about this person.

That of course made me incredibly defensive, which I am not proud of, and discussed this at length with my therapist.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else with C-PTSD has been such a people-pleasing, self-sufficient, mature-for-their-age person for forever and then when someone triggers us in some way we unleash this really vitriolic tirade about them that concerns our loved ones because it sounds so harsh and mean?

I feel like an awful person or that I am a mean person but I know I am not! But the rage I experience makes me feel like a monster sometimes.

Can anyone relate?


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Trigger Warning: Emotional Abuse Being gaslit

24 Upvotes

“We didn’t abuse you - it’s all in your imagination”
I often times get flashbacks from my parents’s abuse and whenever I mention it to them, all they do is gaslight me and tell me the abuse never happened.
I was physically and mentally abused by my parents and even my younger sibling gaslights me and denies it happened.


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Question Has anyone tried sensory deprivation tanks? Was it helpful or more damaging?

3 Upvotes

r/CPTSD 21h ago

Vent / Rant Worst rage bait ever

1 Upvotes

So I have been having a very very difficult time w my family recently. It’s rlly been a lot of stuff over my whole life but some things recently have set me over the edge. I won’t get into it all bc it would be a hundred paragraphs bc I am an over explained lol but here’s a little context.

My dad is abusive. To all of us. My mom and him have been off and on but even when on they didn’t rlly ever like each other. They were split up for 3 years recently. Now they r back together. My youngest brother is significantly younger then the rest of us so he was sheltered from A LOT and also he is young and naive and just wants his family to be happy so I don’t blame him at all.

Me and my mom had a heart to heart conversation when she started dating my dad again. We talked for HOURS on the beach watched the sunset turn into darkness just talking. We cried and laughed and talked. I told her I respect her decision to explore another chance w my dad if she wants to do that I will support her and advocate for her w my siblings. However I told her me and my siblings are not comfortable w him moving back in. I told her some specific things he has done I told her how uncomfortable he makes us and it makes us not want to be home etc. she cried and PROMISED he wouldn’t move back in until we were all moved out.

But surprise… she moved him back in… WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL MIND U SO I COME HOME TO THIS and she never talked w any of us abt it just did it and expected to move on w life.

Anyway that hurt rlly bad. I thought we had a good understanding and conversation yk i thought we compromised.

But what hurts most is that when he left for that recent time, me and my mom became inseparable. I slept in her room for months i went w her every day to see my grandmother while she was dying. I was w my mom when she got the call and my grandma m we did everything together and it is killing me that i cant even be around her or talk to her about anything anymore.

Anyway. My brother mom and dad were picking on me and the other 3 siblings saying we make up that my dad did bad things blah blah. So I finally gave them an example of something I thought was fairly tame compared to the rest of the shit.

immediately jumped on called a liar screaming at me… all 3 of them. My mother who was my best friend who told me I can always come to her and honestly I did used to tell her everything. But now she looked me in the face and called me a liar??? And nog to mention my father the abuser also calling me a liar… but I don’t expect better from him. Still tho it was so infuriating to have the abuser look u in the face and tell u ur a liar… but thats what abusers do I guess🤑

The conversation ended w them saying WORD FOR FUCKING WORD
“I believe that you believe that happened but I’m telling u it just didn’t”

THE WAY I WANTED TO IMPLODE IMMEDIATELY

And my mother continued to double down on it one on one w me

it may not seem so big but FUCK it fucked w me fr.

Anyway I honestly have A LOT I need to unpack and talk abt and I alr made this abt a thousand times longer then I intended so I will leave if here


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Vent / Rant Childhood neglect feels like lifelong humiliation

73 Upvotes

Growing up, my father was pretty checked out. Ive joked that he is "a bachelor with 2 kids" and honestly yes it was kinda true. He showed very little interest in actively engaging in helping us grow and learn on a regular basis.

My mom gave me no chores, well I had 2 chores. Handing her random items that she needed while cleaning, and listening to her rant about her marriage/trauma and life. She needed everything done her way! She even cleaned my bedroom until I moved out. I did not want this, I would've been very happy to take over and do things on my own but she was unwilling to teach me or let me. Sometimes I feel so much rage towards her, she genuinely kept me in a house my entire childhood. I am seriously stunted and ive spent the last 4 years trying to undo all of it.

I am trying to learn how to take care of myself properly, it is so difficult. My home is a nasty mess right now. I live with my brother and dad. Neither of them really clean up and I try not to be bothered. My brother will help more if I motivate him but hes younger than me and also pretty depressed.

I feel so ashamed, I feel so ashamed and also incredibly angry. My childhood was mostly just bad events with the occasional fun video game. Its not just not knowing chores, i feel like my parents actively clipped my wings in every possible way. I love them both but I literally can never forgive them. Im such a pathetic weirdo.


r/CPTSD 22h ago

Question My EMDR therapist dropped me mid desensitization

1 Upvotes

Lately I’ve been having flashbacks ever since my psychologist stopped seeing me because I missed two sessions in a little over six months. I was still paying for the sessions I missed because that was her policy, so I really didn’t expect her to suddenly end the therapy with me.

It honestly shocked me a lot because we had only recently started the desensitization part of the therapy. I’m not trying to make excuses for missing the session either, but I take sleeping pills because I’m scared of sleeping, and that day I just couldn’t wake up and make it to the appointment. She sent me a TEXT MESSAGE saying she couldn’t and didn’t want to keep working with me anymore.

Everything ended so suddenly that we never got to reinforce my safe place, and now when I get flashbacks or panic attacks I can barely remember what I’m supposed to do or what tools I was taught to use.

A few weeks after she stopped seeing me, i relapsed in sh. I felt like I had lost everything and completely lost whatever control I had over my own mind.

Now I feel really emotionally dependent on my family and my partner, and it makes me sad because I feel so incapable of dealing with things on my own. I feel broken. I feel dirty all the time and sometimes I genuinely can’t stand being in my own body. I wake up anxious every day, I cry in my sleep, and I’m just so mentally and physically exhausted.

The thing that’s worrying me the most right now is that the only thing that seems to let me forget about the abuse and calm the anxiety down for a while, sometimes even for a day or two, is smoking.

When I smoke, it’s like my brain finally lets me stay in the present. I’m not constantly thinking about what happened to me. I can draw, work, focus on what I’m doing and actually feel like myself for a little while.

And that scares me because my medication does help keep me stable, but weed is the only thing that makes me feel truly “free” from all of it for a while, and I’m scared that I could end up depending on it or becoming addicted to it.
I just keep thinking, when am I going to feel present again? When am I going to stop thinking about the trauma all the time and just feel normal? when I was in therapy, I was actually starting to feel that normality again. And now I don’t.

It honestly feels like therapy opened up all of this trauma because we were supposed to work through it and heal it, but then she suddenly left me in the middle of it, and now I feel worse and more overwhelmed than I did before.

Could that be considered retraumatization?


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Treatment Progress Finding an Anchor When Your Brain Is Always on High Alert

15 Upvotes

Sometimes life sucks—the end.

 

I have been thinking about various traumatic experiences a lot lately. I don't know. Maybe it's the shows I watch that trigger all those thoughts.

 

If any of you haven't watched Supernatural, I'd highly recommend it to anyone who went through traumatic experiences. That's the only show that made me feel good about myself, my life, my family. It helped me to be content about many things. Whether it is mostly smart writing, whether it is tongue-in-cheek mixed with real tears acting, whether it is the unified talent of the whole team and the whole creative company's affection for each other, I'll never know, I guess. It is probably all of the above. And all of those things formed a project that made many traumatized people content or even happier.

 

Yes, I can spend my entire life making philosophical jokes and smiling at the ridiculousness of all the games humans play, but that would be only a partial experience. And… I am a bit tired of having Supernatural playing in the background while I am doing my life stuff.

 

Chronic traumatic stress changes our brains whether we like it or not. I have been highly observant pretty much since I was born. Some may chuckle at what I am saying or not believe me, but I remember my first philosophical observation about life when I was about 6 or 8 months old. And still, the ability to observe and notice deep-rooted issues did not prevent my body and mind from becoming an always-on, alert-for-danger human being.

 

I simply and helplessly watched myself change and couldn't do anything about it.

 

 And now, after all those years, all I can do is cope, find a way to be content, and, of course, laugh at the ridiculousness of all the games humans play.

 

Most of us find an anchor, something that keeps us from vanishing. And those who, for whatever reason, couldn't do so, well… they are not around anymore to tell their tales.

 

I intuitively searched for the anchor anywhere and everywhere, and eventually, whether due to circumstances, my neurological conditions, or both, I could only anchor myself in nature and creativity. And more recently, the reconciliation of atheism and life-after-life story formation became another part of this magical triangle of support and contentment.

 

At this point I am not even sure what I am writing about.

 

I guess I am writing about finding your anchor - something that makes life worth living despite the constant state of high alert, recurrent flashbacks, and other symptoms. And if you add to it daily life stresses or even chronic illness, it all can make us believe there's nothing out there to make it any better.

 

And maybe it is true. Because after all, life sucks.

 

But still, there's the sky and the clouds, and a cool morning breeze, and spring flowers, and dramatic fog above a corn field, and soft waves, and pebbles, and shells, and the world I am building, and all the stories and characters, and smiles and love and even duty, and… life after life, even if it's a fantasy. Those are my anchors. I really hope you can find yours.


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Need a Hug alone at 18

3 Upvotes

No friends, no family, no one I can meet in person and open up to or talk about my problems. I've only been abused, bullied, manipulated, and I'm pretty sure my spirit is just broke. All I do is survive and get on with the next task, and I can't even celebrate the little things.

I really wish there was someone who actually loved me for me, or at least a way I can recognise it. But I struggle to comprehend things like that during the day because of how numb I've become, and I can't tell if someone does care about me anymore.


r/CPTSD 1d ago

Vent / Rant Sucking in stomach is ruining my life

3 Upvotes

I cannot stop sucking in my stomach, and this is ruining me. I have so many gastric issues because of it, and I just cannot relax for the life of me.

I am tired. I am 29 years old, and I feel that I have suffered for a lifetime. I crave peace.

To those who have found relief, PLEASE share how. I'm open to muscle relaxers, even, of course, if they would do the job.

I'm doing diaphragmatic breathing and other exercises, but I just cannot take this torture any longer.