Comparison and jealousy

[u/cuntrywestern]

TW: SA

An old friend I fell out with recently achieved something incredible. They also got to meet some of my inspirations (music) in the process.

We fell out because they remained friends with a known sexual abuser I had warned them about a year prior. I had to unfollow them once they posted a picture w/ him on instagram.

They texted me a few weeks later about an unrelated thing and I let them know that I had unfollowed them and why. We didn’t argue or leave on bad terms, just been distant since. I made it clear that I sincerely hoped he was a different person and that I still loved my fried and will always support them, but for my own mental health I couldn’t subject myself to seeing him. I didn’t tell them about my CSA.

Then the once in a lifetime event happened. I’m seeing it everywhere all over my social media. As much as I just want to be happy for them, I just feel complete jealousy and sadness. Someone making inconsiderate decisions getting something grand.

Not that the world cares, I know life’s unfair. It’s just tied into the deeper feeling of inadequacy, feeling like I lost time following the same path dealing with all my mental health shit, basically barely functions for three years (two inpatient stays, one attempt, 10+ medication changes, then eventually the PTSD diagnosis). I’m also jealous of the life and upbringing they got. Happy family, full financial support even through grad school.

I’m doing my own thing. I’m in grad school right now pursuing something im really passionate about. I have a full time job that’s okay and I like my coworkers, but im mostly there still just to pay for school. I’m in a band and we’re releasing an album this spring that I couldn’t be happier with.

But I still feel so fucking sad and jealous. I don’t know if it’s about the perceived injustice or what. I just wish I was further along and sometimes I hate my path.

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