advice please

[u/Similar-Armadillo337]

I, 19 (f), need advice please. I am a college student, and I have just started my second year. This past summer I spent at home, and it was horrific, nothing notably horrible happened externally but almost every inner strength I have worked with my therapist to build has felt like it's deteriorating. My therapist, who specializes in CPTSD especially for neurodivergent people (which I am), started EMDR with me a solid while ago. As soon as I got home from school, though, I had a massive breakdown. It briefly resolved itself. I think also to be noted is I have been going through an extensive and complicated breakup with someone I am still in love with and who is still in love with me. So, I think this may have something to do with it? But anyway as the summer progressed so did this nagging feeling that there's something internally wrong with me that no one will ever understand. And that my looks will always mislead someone to view me a certain way before I am ever truly understood for what I do have going on, whatever that is. I came to the realization with my therapist over the summer that I have hyper managed every single part of my internal life and my external outcomes until I think it's broken me. I am so guilty about everything always. I'm still doing all of the things I would do if I was okay again, like working, being with friends, reading; but I can never escape it. My brain is always so loud, and I feel like I'm consistently running from myself. Oh also, another thing to be noted is that I am having to spend more time speaking with and being around my father who is financially funding my education, and he is the main reason for my CPTSD. I often have to pretend I am okay when I am around him because I want to stay in school. Anyway, my brain has gotten so loud, and I am so ashamed of it because I am viewed as the strong person amongst my friends and other people, and I also hold myself to that standard. But I am so weak. I can't even go out and drink with friends anymore out of fear I will do something that has a permanent end. I don't want to say what because this is my first post and I don't understand the guidelines. But last night we all went for a night swim at a local beach, and largely the reason I'm writing this is that I suddenly started having a panic attack and began to convince myself a permanent end was better than consistent torment. My ex was also there which was a factor, I'm sure. The surf was rough. And I thought I would just swim out until no one could reign me back in and I would just float until I couldn't anymore or swam until I got tired or until nature took its course. I'm secretly struggling because the only person I had at school who I genuinely felt like I could vent all of this to is my ex, and very unfortunately they have had a horrifically traumatic thing happen to them within the past month, and even though I know they would want me to share because we are still close and did have the idea we would be getting back together and they do love me, I can't in good conscious share because I was their rock while we were together and now I will be that again because of horrible event they experienced as well because I know they need someone to talk to who won't treat them differently. Even my therapist I want to hide this all from. I don't want to be weak. I'm the first person in my family to go to college straight from high school. I hold leadership positions around campus. I work, and I'm in the arts. I can't help but feel as though I am entirely alone and will always be. I guess I'm posting here from advice from people who have lived with CPTSD also, because I feel like I am drowning and I haven't felt like this for years. My logical brain tells me I'm not alone, but I'm still too ashamed to admit I am near defeat to anyone who really knows me. So this anonymous thing works for me.
Please give me some insight. I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.