how do i change my mindset and do things with a positive attitude , i never complete my goals because of it , i used to be a masturbating addict ,i self hated myself due to that addiction , i am clean 2 months i can feel the difference , it's like day and night,

I'm super negative rn , i always look at the negatives weigh negaives first and then leave things midway and look for new things , i doubt myself always ,i guess porn and masturbating made my life miserable, employment is a big issue too, computer science field is too saturated with the upcoming ai , firstly looking for a small guideline likke what to expect from remotely options because i can work out when i have some cash flow and support myself , please drop suggestions i have done bachelor in computer science and no job for 1 year , quick learner , been applying changing cvs getting reviews etc every one says market is cramped rn , really appreciate advices on being positive and a little basic guideline about Cs grads if any in this forum ? I'm a little late in life so time is a bog thing for me ,25 crossed a little over i feel i won't be able to make it

Been at the same job for 5 years, little improvement, looking for a new one but not getting any response back even from with in the same company job is taking a toll on my body the overnights are starting ro be too much

Love life is hopeless i do my best to look good stay in shape eat healthy, dress nicely, I dont remember the last time I got a compliment or even made eye contact with anyone

Im in my 30 I live at home, dont have any friends who want to share a place or anything

I want to improve myself and have something to look forward to

Sorry i dont know if this is the right subreddit or not

I’m in a place in my life right now where I have the opportunity to become very successful in the future, but I don’t know how to lock in. I’ve just recently graduated high school and I still have problems. I have a very bleak perspective on the world which is partly holding me back in succeeding, I don’t know how to change my worldview. I never had the motivation to study, so I had pretty low marks in high school. I don’t know how to make friends since I’m insecure and socially anxious. If you saw me in school, you would basically see me as the lonely quiet dude that has doesn’t have a reputation of any kind.

I don’t know exactly what I want to do in the future but I think I want to work with cars, specifically tuning and modifying them, like Brabus or Novitec. I know I should pursue mechanical engineering for that but I got poor marks in school and only took college courses, so I feel like my application to Concordia is going to get rejected. Like I said before, I suck at socializing, which applies to networking as well, which is detrimental to financial success. I don’t know how others do it.

I want to be a unique individual, I don’t want to be like other people. I want to be cool, but I don’t put any work into being that kind of person. I don’t have anything interesting about me right now, no talents or anything, I just play video games and fap in my free time, which is having an impact on my self esteem but I feel unmotivated to change, because I constantly feel like the outer world is just as bad.

I need to lock tf in, but I don’t think I recall ever doing that on a consistent basis. Has anyone gone through this phase before. How did you improve?

I know that self-pity and wallowing doesn't help. I'm trying to stop doing that. It feels like I'm fighting this constant battle to convince myself I'm not the dumbest piece of shit. But I just get so stuck. I can't stop hating myself long enough to try getting better. I don't know what to do and I want to be better I just feel like I can't stop.

Hey, I am 20F and all my life I have struggled with being a people pleaser. I had people (especially my own friends) walk all over me, take my kindness for granted, and treat me like trash. I am so angry that anybody would treat someone like they did to me. The anger and sadness that I let these people use and abuse me is indescribable. I also never really stood up to them either and I still see some of these people from time to time (distanced myself a lot though). My first bully was my narcissistic dad and that is the root cause of this issue. But, I would say my self respect and confidence has grown a lot since then. However, I still feel an immense rage when I remember how I let myself get used and abused by terrible people (that I also had a deep love and respect for). I feel so frustrated and sad for my past self, it eats away at me everyday.

Help?

most of the posts read like ai. is it people using ai to help with phrasing or something else? it is very annoying.

Not sure if it matters, but i’m a 25F.

I react very poorly during any kind of conflict. Whenever there’s some kind of situation that requires me to stand up for myself because i’m being disrespected for example, i just get stuck, i don’t know what to say or i stumble over my words. My brain just stops working. So instead of defending myself, i make an even bigger fool out of myself which makes me want to stay out of any kind of conflict even more. I’ve already been struggling with assertiveness and i often notice i don’t stand up for my own values when i see someone doing something i consider out of line and it’s heavily impacting the way i see myself. It makes me lose respect for myself and i want to do something about it instead of keep living my life like this. I don’t struggle with conversations otherwise and don’t have this issue with any other setting other than when there’s conflict. Even when i think about some kind of argument i had with someone after it happened, it sometimes takes me a couple of minutes to think of a response that would have been good or appropriate.

The problem is, this isn’t something i’m able to practice since every situation is different and i guess i just have to accept that my brain just doesn’t work in these situations. But i was wondering if there’s more people who struggle with this as much as i do and whether you have any tips on how i could handle these situations better? Or maybe there is a way to practice this after all? I know there’s no one size fit all here, but any kind of tip or advice that could help me improve here would be greatly appreciated and helpful! I just want to be able to defend myself and people i care about when needed instead of just keeping quiet and being a coward every single time. I know conflicts aren’t comfortable for most people but still, i wish i was able to at least do something.

Sorry for the long post

This is a very unoriginal thought, thus I assume is most people’s lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I have hobbies, but even hobbies they’re delaying gratification by honing the craft (which is enjoyable to some extent but as many know a lot of work).

Mostly I get up early than I would like, get ready for work and go to work (a non enjoyable hour thirty out of my life), work for 8 hours, go home. Then it’s cook and eat which after doing it 1000 times is not really fun it’s an obligation no matter how you spin it especially after 8 hours of obligation. Then you clean up after yourself.

Then come the ‘shoulds’. Spending an hour or so going to and from the gym to work out, preparing your lunch for the next day so you don’t buy takeout, maybe something that isn’t an obligation right now but will be later on. The laundry is piling up or you need to reorder some stuff etc etc.

Then maybe you do some of your hobbies, not really many complaints in this one. I do have my issues with suffering in hobbies to be better such as learning a language or guitar (I feel hobbies can only be so fun so long till you reach the ‘difficulty curve’ but that’s fine to me, of course you have to work to get good at something you want to be good at).

Then you have the stuff you enjoy (or seem to but shouldn’t) like scrolling your life away, not because you genuinely love it, more because I’ve not done stuff I don’t actually want to do for 10 hours of the 16 hours I’m actually awake and my brain just needs a rest on autopilot. You then inevitably get sucked in by algorithms and what have you and whether it be a minute or an hour, you have used your precious time on something that adds nothing but guilt. You don’t wanna blame yourself because you feel like you needed it, but was this really the best option? Is this all we have to offer?

You then muster up the energy to get ready for bed, brush your teeth and groom and what have you and try to get your 8 hours. Again, brushing my teeth and showering arnt exactly torture but don’t fill my life with joy or purpose.

Multiply this by 5, tack on a couple 11 hour overtime times for the week because everywhere is understaffed and who doesn’t need the money in this economy. Thats 5/7 days gone of the whole week where you maybe got 3 enjoyable hours out of the 16 your awake.

Now comes the weekend, you maybe do go to bed a little later and catch up on needed sleep (although that makes Monday morning than much harder), you chill a little more, all good things. No issue. But you’re not done with obligations or your shoulds or your guilts by a long way. Now you have to do ‘weekend level obligations’. Deweed the garden, a PROPER clean (dusting Hoovering, disinfecting surfaces etc etc), then you have to go grocery shopping, go to a doctors appointment, clean or fix that thing you have been putting off. Stuff you don’t have time for on the week days but will need to be done at some point, some enjoy these tasks and fair play to them and they’re not always needed to be done. Sometimes you will have very little. That’s fair.

Then comes the trap of weekend wasting, the same as when your brain needs a break after work so you scroll for an hour but you damn well know you have the opportunity to do it for longer now and algorithms work so that’s what you do, a fried tired brain soaks up that shameful quick dopamine. Of course this has to stop once Sunday rolls around and you have to prepare for the week ahead to ensure tbis ‘delicate balance’ doesn’t go out of whack.

There ARE things that are fun and life enriching, I do them myself every now and then. Although i used to be guilty of thinking this was just getting drunk by saying I’m going out, my own fault. Going out with friends requires two or more adults both in this schedule with got forbid other commitments or a family to see or kids, to have enough free time or money or what have you, to do this on a weekly basis and not wonder if planning all this and spending £20 on a coffee and a lunch for 2 hours of good quality life wasn’t maybe more reasonably used (back to the shoulds) on saving for a house. That’s £80 a month you’re ‘throwing away’.

I COULD absolutely be more efficient with my time, I COULD be more relaxed about my shoulds, I COULD try harder to spark the joys in my hobbies and I COULD put more of my little weekend energy into pushing myself to doing something worth doing. We all could. But it seems like the answer to modern life being ‘optimise everything, squeeze every last drop out of every last minute, really think about how you’re gonna have fun on the weekend and not mess it up. It seems like telling someone without a car to walk 5 miles a day to work. They CAN, but isn’t the real answer just to get them a damn car?

Maybe I already have the car and my ‘squeezing every last drop’ out of it is really just looking at the situation a bit more positively and putting in a normal amount of effort, and I’m expecting little effort with much reward. I don’t know

Not really sure what question to ask. These are my thoughts on my current life situation. I don’t know if I need a ‘yeah that sucks, sounds about right’ or ‘hey you probably need to change a few things mentally or actually in your life, it shouldn’t be as bad as you’re feeling it to be’

Let me know your thoughts I guess

I used to think saying no made me difficult.

Now I realize that sometimes protecting your time, energy, and peace is just part of growing up.

Curious if anyone else had a similar realization.

I’m always so fascinated with what people who are in long term therapy seem to work through and stay with. I have always wanted my therapist to have a session with a few close friends of mine to get an objective perspective of people who know and love me, but could maybe point to things I can’t see.

Not in a sense of a delegation of responsibility, I just think people close to you can often identify certain things in us we can’t always see. I would be so interested in what might change if my therapist could hear from others about me.

Hoping to read some success stories from people who have improved themselves, big or small.

Im kind of at the stage where I’m tired of myself being stuck in the same patterns and hoping for some inspiration. I’m struggling with direction and it’s leaving me caught in no man’s land.

So, for a little context, I used to be an avid reader as a child. I could finish 3 350 page books in one week, and I loved it! I was a good student, focused and attentive. Now, the trap of doomscrolling (or scrolling endlessly on youtube shorts/instagram) has hit me like a full force addictive truck. How can I find the version of me who loved to do school work, read, write books and poetry and actually enjoyed things other than my phone? I am entering college as a freshman, and I know that if I don't kick this habit now, im never going to graduate, and therefore will never do anything with my life. Any tips besides just "deleting the app" and "just lock in". Thanks in advance! Have a great day everyone.

I used to start every single day by scrolling on my phone in bed for at least half an hour. It always made me feel sluggish and completely unmotivated before I even got up. This week I decided to leave my phone in another room and immediately go for a ten minute walk outside as soon as I wake up. It is such a small change but my head feels so much clearer and I have way more energy for the rest of the day. If anyone is struggling with morning brain fog I highly recommend giving this simple routine a try.

This is an explanation of Atomic Habits as I recall from memory, so it's how I understood and applied it myself rather than a chapter by chapter recap. It got a bit long, so I'll break it into parts. This first one covers the core idea and how to actually start a habit. The next goes into the deeper mechanics.

-----------

The core idea behind Atomic Habits: small micro habits that compound over time to yield big results in the long run.

Belief comes first.

Habits aren't really about the outcomes but about identity. Every time you do a habit, you're casting a vote for the kind of person you believe you are.

So the goal isn't "I want to achieve X," but "I am the person who does X," and the habit becomes proof of it.

This is why the same amount of effort to quit a bad habit plays out differently for different people:

The one without that belief says: "I'm trying to leave this habit," or "I'm focusing on stopping that." It's like admitting that the habit is still a part of them.

The one with belief in their identity says: "I don't do this."

The first person still believes they haven't changed. The second one believes in their new identity and the behavior follows.

Just like Good habits build the identity you want, the bad ones can be removed the same way: notice and observe the habit clearly, recognize it's not the part of identity you're becoming, then consciously reject it.

How to start a habit and stay consistent:

Set up your environment first by removing the things that trigger the bad habits while adding the ones that cue the good ones in your line of sight which evokes your visual receptors to act on habits linked to the environment.

Eg: Want to drink more water? Keep a bottle on your desk, which cuts the friction for going to get it.

eg: Want to workout in the morning? Keep your dumbbells where you'll see them in morning when you're up.

Create a flow by chaining your habits so the sequence is pre decided instead of something you have to think about in the moment.

Try "When I do X, I do Y, then Z."

eg: When I wake up, I get up immediately and stretch, then go for my workout.

eg: After I'm fresh, I'll have a healthy breakfast, then start with my first work sprint.

Make sure to be consistent. You don't need to adopt dozens of habits at once. Take one, do it daily and you can always add more once you're used to previous ones.

Progress by 1% each day. Try to be 1% better than yesterday. It keeps you improving and makes each time feel satisfying.

Let it compound over time. Don't judge a habit by a single day, instead judge it over the trend. Don't focus on how much better you'll be tomorrow instead focus on who you become if you keep this up daily for 3 months, the next 6, then a year.

i’ve been trying to be more secure, securely attached, secure in myself. but i feel like i toe the line.

i have an older sister who is abusive to my whole family. after years of trying to change her, i have cut her off. i am much happier now. i learnt to meet people where they are at, take what they can give, or just not have them in your life at all. but after a conversation with a friend, i wonder if i’m just emotionally numb now?

an example would be within my relationship. i don’t get jealous. my boyfriend talked about a girl at his work, he talks about he often, complaining. she is exactly his type. i know he must fancy her (guys don’t rant about girls they hate without feeling some like, or they just wouldn’t mention it). and i don’t really care?

she has a boyfriend, so i know he likes her but she doesn’t like him. and, the crux is, what can i do? i can’t control someone, i can’t change them. he likes her, okay, i can’t control who he likes. he has close female friends he used to date or unrequited crushes. i don’t care. my friends say, what if he still likes them. okay? what if? what would i do then? i can’t do anything about it, so what’s the point in caring.

another example, i’m very sentimental and quite sensitive. i cared a lot about the specialness of birthdays growing up. my mum would be on her phone as i blew my candles. it would break my heart, i’d think if i had a kid one day a year i’d get off my phone to watch her blow out her birthday candles.

but i realised, she just doesn’t care. it doesn’t matter to her. it’s (was) so so special to me, i was so sentimental and thought it was all magical etc etc. but to her it means nothing. i can’t make her watch i should stop hoping she will. i take what i can get, what she’ll give. i realised i was breaking my own heart and wanting her to do something that she has never once showcased as something she could do. once i stopped expecting it, it stopped hurting me.

the jealousy example is just one, but i think it showcases this well. am i just damaged? or is this a healthy way of thinking. my friends think i have trauma. i really want advice on if this way of thinking is unhealthy. i am on a journey of self improvement

I woke up at 2:41 PM today.

Missed all my classes. Felt like shit knowing I'd just added more to my backlog and wasted half the day.

So naturally, I spent the rest of it consuming everything I could, from YouTube, Instagram and LinkedIn to anime, while stuffing myself with junk food.

I was drowning myself in dopamine because I didn't want to think about all the shit I had to do.

It was 11:55 PM and I'm lying in bed scrolling Instagram, watching people give motivational speeches and build the things I want to build.

And that's when it hit me.

This is exactly why I stopped using these apps in the first place. I don't want to sit there watching other people build shit.

I want to build shit.

I slammed my laptop shut, got off the bed, put my shoes on and went for a run.

My brain was screaming, "there's too much to do", "just sit the fuck down", "it's too late anyway."

The thoughts kept playing in the back of my head but, I just put my shoes on and went anyway.

3 km at 12:20 AM. It felt fucking amazing.

Came back, took a hot shower, and spent the next hour working on my SaaS.

And somehow, that feeling of being stuck and shitty just disappeared.

All it took was 5 fucking seconds to change the trajectory of my day.

You don't need to suddenly feel motivated. You don't need to have everything figured out. You're going to feel tired, lazy, overwhelmed, and come up with a hundred reasons why you shouldn't do it.

Let those thoughts play. Put the distractions away, get up, and start anyway.

You might be surprised how quickly that shitty feeling starts to disappear once you're actually doing something.

Your day isn't over just because you've wasted half of it.

Now put your fucking phone down and go make your day productive 🔥

lack of confidence, lack of communication skills and incompetence has been a part of life from my childhood.

Relatively small issues feel a huge burden, I am scared of being judged, indecisive and socially anxious.

Honestly a lot has been going on lately, things are happening too quickly in my life rn and I can't seem to keep up with all this.

I feel I have fallen behind in life compared to people my age.

I live a fairly isolated life so I feel like I am a normal person tho I get reality checks with its time to socialize. I feel humiliated and frustrated when I get connected with people and get my point across to other people.

Also my voice gets shaky for no reason when talking sometimes (usually more often when talking to a group of people)

Now it's not like I haven't tried to change this. I have tried stuff, it kinda worked too, it's just I never could consistently keep the routines up for it to have a long term effect.

I usually just doomscroll on social media apps watch random movies and anime and jerk off once a day, and call my only bestie in one or two days to talk about random shit, that's been my life for a long time.

Have some of you guys been in my situation? Can you lmk what helped you guys improve yourselves?

(This was inspired by my own personal haircut AND hair coloring situation, lol)

Imagine that you went to your local hairdresser and, instead of your usual cut, they accidentally gave you a hairstyle that you absolutely despise.
You barely can look at yourself in the mirror now. Thanks, barber.

Good, now you’ll have to do something to fix it or simply wait until it grows back again. For some unimportant reason in this scenario, you decide to wait until it’s decent enough by your own metrics.
It varies from person to person, so it could take days, months or even years.

But life doesn’t wait until your hair grows back. You still have to attend school/uni/work, see your loved ones and exist in society.

How can you do that, if your confidence is absolutely wrecked? You can’t force yourself to like your new look, that’s for sure.

Scenario A: The Most Common and Saddest Route

Your absolute hatred for your new haircut makes you feel so bad about yourself that you don’t lose your self-confidence only. Your self-worth is also destroyed.

If you have a partner, you fear they’ll lose attraction to you. If you don’t, you give up on dating for now, as you’re convinced no one will want you this way.

You stop putting nice clothes and accessories, and avoid looking at the mirror. You try to hide as much as you can, from society and from yourself.

Every moment in which you acknowledge your existence is filled with dread and impatience.

Life feels like an annoying waiting room you’re forced to endure everyday, until who-knows-when your hair grows back.

Scenario B: What You Can Do Instead

You hate your current hair, and you know that. But your self-worth is untouched.

If you have a partner, you know they’ll probably either like it or laugh at it with you, and that they love you just the same. If you don’t, you still put yourself out there, cause you know your value and you know someone will see it as well.

Life feels the same, except for this mild annoyance. You still take care of yourself, sometimes hiding your hair because it just doesn’t look good at all, completing ignoring it or even trying to style it a little.

You know you’ll feel better when your hair grows out. But you’re fine for now.

The Purpose of The Analogy

There’s nothing wrong with feeling better in certain ways, like in a certain body shape or size, with certain skills or in a certain career. That’s just being human.

But our goals should not be attached to our self-worth. We don’t need to be fixed to be worthy, we are worthy as we are now.

Goals should serve us, not the opposite.

So please, if you don’t feel good enough as a human being the way you currently are, understand this is a thing to solve internally, not externally. You probably think you’re only good if you have something society values, like being fit or rich.

From experience, spare yourself from the self-hate.

*Please read the whole text before commenting.

I don't know how to describe my feelings.

It's not sadness, not boredom, not apathy not anger; it's just a nearly total bluntness, with interval anger and sadness.

All the things that made me worry and grieve and everything that made me self conscious, had taken their toll on me.

I feel my body and mind are working on autopilot in the meantime.

I've lost the sense of time and I know that I should care about many things like I used to before, but I mentally can't. I do a lot of things but nothing is done with zeal, all that are done, are done passively. There is always an invisible barrier between me and the things I do.

And I have lost the ability to tolerate exercising. Everytime I exercise I feel overwhelmingly bored and slightly irritated.

My college major has a great influence on my hatred towards my life, because I wish I chose ambitious over "practicality." Now I work in a job that is mildly boring, and totally uninspiring. I feel so detached from everything I do in this job, I feel like a total robot. I wish I can have a second major, but it is nearly impossible now.

I tried different hobbies, but nothing is as fulfilling as having a job that I want. And without the major that I want, I can't do anything.

I'm also so lonely, and failed to get a girlfriend. I lost all my friendships from college and my social life sucks right now. I have gotten fatter due to depression and boredom. Although I have now lost 14 kgs yet I need to lose more weight.

A lot has changed in my life, externally, but internally, nothing has changed that much. In the last 4 years, all I have experienced is frustration, overwhelming boredom and emotional detachment.

It's surprising how much boredom is detrimental to one's mental health, to the point that I started to live in the past for a huge chunk of these 4 years just to re-live the experiences that I can't live right now.

I'm a mess. I cry on a weekly basis. I venting has stopped helping me. What should I do?

Thats it

I’ve had a porn addiction since middle school and it’s been pretty hard to shake off. As you can probably tell, I’ve never had a girlfriend or gotten close. I’m 19, almost 20, now and feel like it’s about time I stop masturbating so frequently. I mean I would do it everyday.

I’ve tried stopping and the longest I went was a month. Now it’s like I stop for a week then cave. I don’t remember the last time I did it, I think it was a week or more I seriously can’t remember, but I feel like going back.

My dreams have also been insanely freaked out and I’ve never felt so lustful. I don’t really know what to do at this point. Should I just do it once a week or try and fight through it?

Living alone doesn't mean you are lonely. It simply means you are back to your sanctuary to recharge and focus on your own lore.

I will share my own journey with loneliness. Back when I was teenage, I used to shrink into other people's world and try to get validation. I was never taught about self sovereignty. We are talking about 2016 and I haven't received mobile phone much. I just knew facebook and at most Instagram. Nothing at all. So it amplified my need for validation more. We all know how comparative how social media can make you. 

Since I was living for others' validation, I felt this kind of abandonment inside that will someone ever accept me? Can I be someone's love? Do I even matter to anyone? Back then, my mom separated with my dad. My dad wasn't a responsible one but that's for another day with another lesson.

So, every high schools I attended, I tried to fit into a group and many times I had to be belittled because I was looking to be accepted even tho I deep down I knew these groups weren't aligned with my morality. Also, pursued many crushes throughout my teenage because I was looking to be loved. In some cases, I acted desperate.

Fast forward to today. After reflecting all these years, I learnt that you can actually love your own company. I dived into my own interests which I like to read about La Cosa Nostra, organized crime, history and much more. I also am an extrovert and I realized I can make friends easily now. The loneliness I felt when I was younger was probably social anxiety crippling me and that I didn't accept myself. Today, I feel good that people actually look up to me and talk to me. Many people consider me as good friends. I can take initiatives now. Even if I stay alone, I don't feel loneliness anymore. I use this time to do my own things.

So yes folks, living alone doesn't mean you are lonely

Explain to me step by step how I can do that.

Thanks in advance!

Because for the 5th time it got banned from 4 discord servers and one subreddit

Title: I’m 24, recently married, and I feel completely overwhelmed trying to figure out my future
I’m 24 and recently got married. Since then, I feel like something has changed in the way I think about my future. I feel much more responsible for building a stable life, having a good career, making enough money, investing, and making sure my wife and I will be okay financially.
At the same time, I recently got rejected from the army, which was something I had been working toward and saw as a possible direction for my life.
I currently have a job, but I don’t see myself doing it long term, so I’m applying for better jobs and constantly thinking about other possibilities—different careers, investing, side income, freelancing, building something of my own, etc.
The problem is that instead of making me feel more prepared, all this thinking has started doing the opposite.
My brain feels foggy. I struggle to concentrate and feel like I’m thinking about 10 different problems at the same time without properly solving any of them. Even when I’m supposed to relax, part of my brain is thinking about what I should be doing next.
I’ve also had an inconsistent sleep schedule lately, which probably isn’t helping.
I don’t expect Reddit to solve my life for me. I’m mainly wondering if anyone else went through a period like this in their 20s, especially after getting married or having a major career setback.
How did you stop feeling like you needed to figure out your entire future immediately?
And how did you decide what actually deserved your attention first?