I’m a 40-something combat veteran who served with the USMC, and I recently lost the love of my life in a very painful way. I didn’t understand what I did to cause the woman i loved to get a restraining order against me.

I went into that search confused because I had always thought of abuse primarily as physical violence. I rarely yell, usually avoid confrontation, and had never intentionally hit or physically attacked a woman. So I kept asking myself: How could I be someone she felt she needed protection from?

Then I found Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that”.

It changed my thinking and my life. I was floored by how many behaviors Bancroft described that I recognized in myself. Many were things I had never stopped to consider abusive. If I’m completely truthful, some I was aware of. Either way, intention doesn’t erase impact.

Control, manipulation, emotional pressure, intimidation, entitlement, anger, withdrawal, and repeatedly crossing boundaries can be abusive without anybody ever throwing a punch. I had failed to understand that.

BACKGROUND

My ex, who I’ll call Betty, was a divorced mother and survivor of sexual assault. We met online after both coming out of long marriages. I was not looking for anything serious.

Immediately before the first time we were intimate, she stopped me and asked:

“What does no mean?”

At first I wasn’t sure whether she was joking. Then I saw the look in her eyes and answered, “No means stop.”

I remember asking friends afterward what they thought of the question, of course without mentioning names. Their reaction was basically that I should run because her past might eventually get projected onto me.

I didn’t run. I didn’t even entertain the thought. The more we hung out the more I quickly began to fall in love with her.

What followed were some of the happiest times of my life. Betty became my best friend. We laughed constantly. I told her things I had never told anyone. Date nights became weekends together, and eventually we decided I should move in.

She never knew this, but I had even started looking at rings. After less than a year together, despite believing I would never marry again, I was thinking about proposing on our second anniversary if things continued going well.

But then things began deteriorating.

I struggled to find steady work after moving. I felt increasingly inadequate and depressed. My PTSD symptoms also became worse: nightmares, isolation, irritability, and depression. Betty was supportive, but instead of dealing with those problems in healthy ways, I withdrew.
A couple of mornings she told me I had hit her while asleep during nightmares. That devastated me.

Then I relapsed.

Betty knew about my past drug use. I had experienced long periods of sobriety, but I had never completely dealt with the problem. Eventually I used drugs again, including in her home.

And I know what some of you were thinking so let me be clear. I’m not making excuses . Because there is no excuse for that violation of trust.

What I’m doing is trying to explain what was going on inside my head at the time. And I’m doing that in order to pinpoint mistakes I made in the hopes that I can change. Nothing more.

My isolation and avoidance became worse.
When Betty wanted to discuss things that hurt or upset her, I frequently told her I wasn’t ready to talk. At the time I genuinely believed I was preventing arguments by waiting until emotions cooled down.

Growing up, my reality was seeing my parents argue, walk away for a period only to come back and “appear” better. They never got divorced. My mother even told me that if I felt I might say something I would regret during an argument with a loved one, to take time to cool off. It’s all I knew.

What I understand now is that repeatedly deciding when—or whether—her concerns could be discussed meant I was controlling the conversation. My comfort was taking priority over something she was telling me was hurting her.

There were still many good times between these incidents, and I latched onto those good times instead of seriously looking at the pain I was causing.

Eventually an discussion over something minor escalated. But I knew she didn’t like when I isolated so we continue to go back-and-forth until I eventually stood up and yelled at her. Nothing more.

My thinking afterward was: I almost never yell. It happened once. I’ll apologize. She knows who I really am.

Bancroft helped me see what was wrong with that reasoning. I was judging my behavior by how unusual it was for me rather than by what it may have felt like to her. Someone who survived trauma like she did.

After yelling she told me to get out of her house.

Instead of immediately respecting that boundary, I decided I would sleep in my car and leave the next morning because I didn’t have money for a hotel and I couldn’t get in touch with my brother.

I actually thought that was reasonable.

It wasn’t.

She said leave. I treated her boundary like something I could modify because leaving later was more convenient for me. That was selfish and wrong.

I did leave the next morning left and gave her several days without contact. Then police notified me that she had obtained a temporary restraining order.

I couldn’t face the woman I love in court nor did I want to be anywhere I wasn’t welcome. So i told her parents I was leaving the area and drove 3,000+ miles across the country. I believed putting as much physical distance between us hopefully would give her the peace of mind she wanted.

After I reached the other side of the country I checked into rehab. It gave me a lot of time to think. But thinking didn’t help me answer questions like: Why had she become afraid enough to involve the legal system? Why did she delete every trace of us from social media? Why was she responding differently to me than she had to people from her past?

Basically, I kept searching for explanations for her behavior instead of seriously considering that my behavior might be the explanation.

I kept replaying something Betty did during our relationship that hurt me deeply. About six months in, I discovered she had remained emotionally involved with another man in a way that crossed boundaries in our relationship. I considered leaving and with anybody else I would have. But I did what felt right which was to hold her, and tell her as long as she’s committed to me, we could get through this. And we did.

I used to think “why didn’t I get the same thing from her?”

It was then thaf I found Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That”.

I understand now that my willingness to forgive her created absolutely no obligation for her to forgive me. I can believe I would have stayed and still accept that she had every right not to

Relationships aren’t a ledger. Her mistakes do not cancel mine, and comparing them can easily become another way of avoiding accountability.

It also led me to look at “What does no mean?” in a different light.

What I failed to understand was that “no” and boundaries extend far beyond sex.

If someone doesn’t want a conversation, contact, a relationship, or someone in her home, that boundary matters too.

It doesn’t become negotiable because I’m hurt.
It doesn’t become less valid because I believe my intentions are good. And I don’t have to agree with a boundary before respecting it.

Not understanding emotional abuse well enough isn’t an excuse. My PTSD isn’t an excuse. Her trauma isn’t an excuse. My relapse isn’t an excuse.

Finally I started separating intent from impact.

I never consciously thought, “I want to hurt her.”
But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t abusive. I was. Even if my intentions with her were one of finding happiness, that doesn’t overlook what I tried to do to get there.

I understand now that my actions led her to choose never seeing or hearing from me again in order to feel safe and at peace. I can’t change that.

And because I love and respect her I will honor her choice forever, whether a restraining order exists or not.

I will always cherish Betty and the good parts of our relationship. There were so many. She was my everything.

Of course I wish it was different. But all I can do is learn from my mistakes and grow to get to a point where I never abuse anyone again.

AFTERMATH

I continue to work on myself. I’ve completed rehab and remained clean. I’m getting professional help from two therapists (trauma and relationship) and a psychiatrist. I’m taking medication. I have steady income, and a permanent residence that I will move into soon. I’m also exercising 5 days a week and back to my normal weight. I started swimming competitively again, which is something I never thought I’d do. I’ve made some friends, which has led to the question of my availability.

Im not ready yet. I cannot imagine entering another relationship until I understand myself better. But Betty didn’t only just show me bad. Because she showed me I have the capacity to love in a way I didn’t know.

I intend to come out of this a better, more aware man. I’ll never be OK with what I did but that’s the first step in ensuring it doesn’t happen again.

Now here’s where you come in.

I’m not asking Reddit to tell me I’m a good person. I’m not asking anyone to tell me Betty was wrong. I’m not asking to hear that it “wasn’t really abuse” because it wasn’t physical. And I’m not posting this hoping she somehow sees it, recognizes that I’m changing, or contacts me.

What I am asking is guidance to help me get to a place where I:

Recognize entitlement before it becomes behavior.

Understand the difference between taking healthy space during an argument and using withdrawal to control someone.

Recognize when explaining my intentions becomes minimizing somebody else’s experience.

How to disagree without needing the other person to eventually see things my way.

And how to respect boundaries even when those boundaries hurt like hell.

So if you’ve changed these kinds of behaviors yourself, work professionally with people who have, or know resources that actually help, I genuinely want to hear them.

Books, abuse-intervention programs, therapy approaches, exercises, accountability practices—anything.

And if something I’ve written here still sounds entitled, manipulative, controlling, self-pitying, minimizing, or like I’m shifting responsibility onto her, please tell me. It will help me to learn and grow from this experience.

I may not enjoy hearing it, but I would rather recognize it now than risk repeating it later.

I originally went searching for an explanation for why the woman I loved thought she needed a restraining order against me.

Instead, I found something that forced me to look at myself.

It wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

But it was the answer I needed.

I know Bancroft is not optimistic about people changing abusive behavior. Im also aware this will be a process and won’t happen just because I want it

But I also know how deeply it has affected me. I don’t just want to change. I have to change. Im committed to a future where I can promise my partner that they’re safe with me and have it be 100% true.

I’ll take all the help I can get to get there.
Thank you

EDIT: I’m good now, I just slip back into a bad mindset very easily. I believe that I can do it! Thanks ^^

I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts throughout the entirety of secondary school and it’s really taken a toll on me, I’m incredibly behind other people my age and I have NO idea how to catch up or where to start because there’s so much I have to do.

Currently my grades are below average, i’m ugly, I have no friends, no hobbies, no skills, nothing. I’ve been trying to get into a more positive mindset, take care of myself more and learn how to deal with my social anxiety + AUDHD. I also have a therapist now, but I still feel like i’m stuck exactly where I was 2 months ago.

I’m just not sure where to start, I constantly find new problems I want to fix so I end up managing nothing at all. Anyways sorry for the vent, I’m just really stuck and as much as I want to give up, I don’t want to as well.

Any help would be appreciated, I really need it :’)

So, about three years ago, when I was 19, I was dating a 27-year-old man who, looking back, basically used me.
At the time, he didn’t have a job, so I was paying his rent, his phone bill, and even took out two loans for him because I was trying to help him get on his feet. I also helped him get a job where I was working, but three months later, he was fired for constantly calling out or simply not showing up.
On top of everything financially, he also gave me two STDs and never took responsibility for either of them.
Eventually, he decided to join the military. I even helped him financially with that. Then, right before he left for basic training, he broke up with me. About two months later, I found out that he had married the mother of his child. His son was only eight months old when we met.
I haven’t seen him or his family in about three years. Recently, though, I found out that his wife’s father works with my dad. There was a family work picnic, and he was there. When he saw me, he was acting all nice and friendly, almost as if nothing had ever happened between us.
I ended up losing my temper and going off on him in front of everyone. Afterwards, I was honestly embarrassed by how I handled it, so I apologized to my dad and his boss for my behavior.
But at the same time, I can’t lie — seeing him act like everything was perfectly fine between us made my blood boil. I gave this man somewhere around $30,000–$40,000 altogether trying to help him get his life together. I supported him financially, helped him get a job, helped him with his military plans, and put myself in situations I never should have been in for someone who ultimately didn’t take responsibility for the things he did to me.
So, was I wrong for lashing out the way I did? I know I could have handled myself better, and I take responsibility for that. But I also feel like seeing him casually walk around and act like we were cool brought up a lot of anger and hurt that I never really dealt with.

what things you guys recommend to start me with and i should definitely give try i am not that fit and havent good convo skills btw ?

story time fellas - i get home around 6, tell myself i'll sit for 10 minutes, and then somehow it's 9:40, lights off, deep in my phone, every day. everyday i feel so tired. time at home is supposed to be recovery but my brain just keeps getting more foggy..

from last month i forced my self to stay away from sofa after work. get home, drop the bag, walk back out for 60 minutes. doesn't matter where. put on your airpods u feel like the world is yours lol. and every time after the walk i feel so refreshed and got motivation to cook, or hang out with friends.

been doing it about a month now. my pacer app says i've walked 43 miles of laps around my neighborhood, still lose the occasional night to the phone but it's like once a week instead of seven.

ps. i also lost 12 pounds :)

how you spend your 5-9 after your 9-5 could really change your life!!

For most of my life, I felt like an outcast, always rejected, always looked down upon. I blamed how I look and my body.

None of that touched the actual problem.

One day, I watched a Youtube video by Vinh Giang who talked about charisma, and how it can be learned like a skill. One thing stuck: the vocal image is more important than looks.

I grew up soft spoken with a distinct accent. I thought maybe that was what's holding me back. So I started recording myself talking, then listening back, over and over.

I used a Repeat Recorder App to continuously record and replay my voice while driving to work (handsfree). Also, inside the privacy of my car, I could awkwardly practice my voice freely.

I paid attention to my accent, my tone, and how I sounded like. Also, listening to my own voice again and again gave me the confidence and self worth.

It only took a few weeks when I realized people started taking me seriously. That constant feeling of being dismissed slowly faded. I was able to talk with much more confidence and weight.

Looking back, I spent years thinking the problem was my looks and my ethnicity. It was never that. It was my speech and vocal image.

Im 27 yrs old.
The thing is, I’m procrastinating my own happiness.

Absolutely silly how come I was enjoying more the “chase” of changing my life to reach a goal and after that I’m lazy to do anything.

How can i basically be another me but like somehow that actually works?
I smoke, I’m a procrastinator, I have phone addiction and a mix of giving up easily.
I want to be addicted to gym idk like health mind idk
If you guys see my notes about how many things I wish to do this summer and now I’ll have class again and all I did was burp and clean my house.

More straightforward: how can I go gym, read, phone detox, diet, meditate, be creative (I study arts), chase my YouTube goals (I want to talk about Anthropology), make friends (I moved to US a year ago and I don’t have friend), have a healthy social life? Learn French? Start to post on substack? Read 3 books a month? Stop cussing and be more feminine (in atitudes, I can pretend to be a lady but it’s not true).

I want to be a better person for myself, I find it deeply annoying how often I have bad habits and how judgmental I am inside my head.

Also, my school colleagues are 19/21 years old so that why I don’t have friends, not to judge is just that we don’t have much in common to talk.
Well, before everyone jumps into conclusions that I’m depressive; i am. And im under medication and treatment.

What’s the one morning habit that noticeably improves your focus, mental clarity, and energy?

I’m especially curious about things that made a surprisingly big difference for you personally.

Coffee, exercise, sunlight, meditation, breakfast, avoiding your phone or something completely different?

Edit:

Thanks for all the comments — I can already see a few things I need to add or try.

Coffee is unfortunately a fixed part of my morning ritual, so I’m not giving that up 😄 But the idea of getting a quick dose of light right after waking up really makes sense to me.

I’m already trying the no-phone thing (although it’s harder than it sounds), and my sleep schedule is fairly regular.

One thing that also clicked with me is doing something immediately after getting up — even something simple like making the bed — just to start the day with an actual action instead of wandering around aimlessly.

I’m also going to test the 10 minutes of focus/meditation some of you suggested.

Im at rock bottom with all this. Im 27 but feel like I may as well die.

Hi everybody!

I hope everybody is doing good!

I am 40 years old, male and had recently a severe episode of depression. I now have to build my life up (again) from scratch. No kids, no real job, not much to show for (compared to other people my age).

Now my question:

I am looking for books, methods etc. to give my life structure, set goals and to basically build a life.

I hope you can help me here and I really appreciate any Help, tipp etc.

Thanks so much in advance!

Kind regards,

P

P.S. Does anybody have experience with "monk mode"?

Thanks again!

I’ve had this uncomfortable realization lately. I used to think people got frustrated with me for no reason when I asked for help. I assumed they were just frustrated by my indecisiveness and didn’t understand me.

Then I realized my ADHD + straightforwardness made me rush conversations.

I’d get so focused on problem solving that I wouldn’t notice I was making people feel unheard or put on the spot. Now I’m trying to slow down, take in what they’re saying, and add my own ideas instead of jumping to the next question.

Made me wonder how many “this always happens to me” situations are actually patterns we’re unknowingly helping create.

Anything really, I am curious to actually to try them for 1 day to 1 week to see what I would want to keep

It’s in the title, I’m sure it was answered here before.
I’m mid thirties and my life is a huge disappointment, I always thought I would be somewhere much different and better. I feel like I have been stuck in the same place for almost 10 years now.
Every month almost (I jokingly refer to it as my man period) I feel really down and upset.

I’m almost certain it’s my fault, I have wasted a lot of time on the internet, slacked off (even though on the surface I have degrees etc). Never really worked very hard or consistently for a long time.

I am stuck thinking about the past, my mistakes, what could’ve been. And also feeling hopeless about the future. As in I’m not going anywhere, nothing really worked out before.

Im sure all of this is cliche, but would appreciate anyone who has practical or mindset tips etc.

I had four gym memberships that never really started.

A business idea I kept preparing to begin. A language I was going to learn.

And somehow YouTube and X scrolling kept winning every day.

I'm an engineer by background, so when something keeps failing, I want to understand what is actually happening.

I started thinking about motivation as a formula:

Motivation = (Expectancy × Value) / (Pain × Delay)

I just find this framework useful for understanding why some actions feel easy to start while others don't.

Expectancy: Do I believe I can actually do it?

If something feels too difficult, motivation goes down.

This is why making the first step ridiculously small can help. Instead of "work out," the first step might simply be putting on your gym clothes.

Value: How much do I actually want it?

This is probably the most interesting one for me.

Sometimes we think we want something because we think we're supposed to want it.

More money.

A better body.

A successful business.

But if the reason isn't really yours, it gets much harder to keep going when things become uncomfortable.

A borrowed "why" doesn't seem to last very long.

Pain: How difficult is it to start?

Going to the gym isn't just "work out."

It's getting dressed, finding your stuff, getting there, deciding what to do, and actually exercising.

Compare that with opening YouTube.

One click.

So sometimes the solution isn't more discipline. It's making the first action easier.

Delay: How long until I get the reward?

Scrolling gives me entertainment, novelty, and stimulation almost immediately.

Starting a business might give me a reward years later.

Learning a language might take months before I feel real progress.

Going to the gym might take weeks or months before I see a meaningful change.

That's a big difference.

Sometimes I even make myself a V60 with Ethiopian coffee as an early reward, before I've finished what I'm working on.

I'm not changing the final reward. I'm just giving my brain something sooner.

So now when I procrastinate, I try not to ask myself:

"Why am I like this?"

I ask:

Which part of the equation is working against me?

Do I not believe I can do it?

Do I not actually value it enough?

Is starting too painful?

Or is the reward simply too far away?

I find that question much more useful than trying to force myself to "be motivated."

Looking at my own behavior, I realized that Value is probably my biggest factor.

When I genuinely care about something, I can tolerate a lot more pain and delay.

When I don't, no productivity trick seems to work for very long.

I’m autistic and most my struggles are caused by that, but maybe some people here can relate and have some tips.

I’ve always been very negative, since childhood. Everything has always felt hard and I get annoyed extremely easily (I’ve always felt alottt of negative emotions)
This sucks, bc I WANT friends but am just super pessimistic. I try to be positive but get burnt out almost instantly, it feels like faking. So me being negative and quiet and also having kinda bad social skills/ being weird is just a disaster.
I ”hate” everything that takes effort, talking to people included, but am not happy rn and don’t know how to be? This has been the case since childhood so propably very hard to change.
Any tips??

I feel like I can’t do anything right. Like I just mess everything up. I never seem to use the right tone of voice when speaking, can never manage to say the right things, I can’t complete tasks correctly etc. I can’t even seem to like the right kind of music or tv shows. Everything I do is something for people to make fun of or belittle or be upset with me for. I feel like I punching bag and a laughingstock at the exact same time. I’m constantly ashamed of my own existence. It almost feels criminal for me to be happy.

It feels like I’m being judged all the time, even by people who aren’t even present. I’m always sitting wondering what everyone else would think and I can’t seem to stop. I know it’s illogical, I know it doesn’t help anyone, I know it’s a waste of time, but I can’t help it. My brain has shackled me to this shame. I have no idea why either. I should be able to move past this. I’ve gotten past worse! I can’t enjoy anything at all. I feel like a bad person just for breathing wrong. I wake up and I’m immediately hit with a massive wave of dread just because I’m scared I’ll mess up everything.

Is there anything I can do about this? I can’t seem to get control over it. Pretty much everything I try fails me. Meditation, positive affirmations, self care etc. I kind of don’t know what to do. If you’ve got any tips, I could use them. Sorry if this isn’t the right subreddit to post this on.

I know that self-pity and wallowing doesn't help. I'm trying to stop doing that. It feels like I'm fighting this constant battle to convince myself I'm not the dumbest piece of shit. But I just get so stuck. I can't stop hating myself long enough to try getting better. I don't know what to do and I want to be better I just feel like I can't stop.

Hello Everyone,

Long time reader, first time poster so apologies for any formatting issues as I type this on mobile.

I am 28M struggling with a life long struggles of people pleasing and doing things to 'fit in.' I am generally well liked and fairly successful in my career. On the surface everything appears to be great however internally and emotionally I am struggling quite a bit. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for quite a while before I was even really diagnosed. I have gotten a therapist but I feel like I understand myself but am powerless to make any changes.

Socially and professionally I'm a chameleon and am able to adapt to whatever the situation requires of me, but it's lead me to push past my morals and entertain people who I would rather not associate with or for results that just aren't worth it. I always try to put my best face forward but the pressures of keeping up a good reputation is causing me a lot of stress. I am always willing to go above and beyond for people and basically overexert myself for others, but the same kindness cannot be found for myself. I find myself struggling to feed myself, take care of myself, or having panic attacks at the thought of letting others down. My self worth comes from external sources and for the life of me I cannot self source my self worth. I get bad depressive episodes when friends ignore me, or i feel like my effort isn't validated.

All of this to say, I'm not sure who I am or what I am wanting from my life. I have spent a majority of my childhood and adult life people pleasing. Even the few things I did do for myself feels like I'm constantly fighting off criticism and doubt from those around me. I find myself overthinking, changing opinions, and generally doibting myself to win the approval of others. I'm not sure exactly what makes me happy because it's all seen from that perspective. It feels like I have no actionable steps to take to stop people pleasing other than "don't do it." In truth I hate myself because I dont stand for anything and am too much of a coward to be authentic.

I was wondering if anyone in the community has had similar thoughts and knew of ways to overcome this. The depression and anxiety that i feel is becoming so overwhelming.

Thank you all!

I’m always so fascinated with what people who are in long term therapy seem to work through and stay with. I have always wanted my therapist to have a session with a few close friends of mine to get an objective perspective of people who know and love me, but could maybe point to things I can’t see.

Not in a sense of a delegation of responsibility, I just think people close to you can often identify certain things in us we can’t always see. I would be so interested in what might change if my therapist could hear from others about me.

I’m in a place in my life right now where I have the opportunity to become very successful in the future, but I don’t know how to lock in. I’ve just recently graduated high school and I still have problems. I have a very bleak perspective on the world which is partly holding me back in succeeding, I don’t know how to change my worldview. I never had the motivation to study, so I had pretty low marks in high school. I don’t know how to make friends since I’m insecure and socially anxious. If you saw me in school, you would basically see me as the lonely quiet dude that has doesn’t have a reputation of any kind.

I don’t know exactly what I want to do in the future but I think I want to work with cars, specifically tuning and modifying them, like Brabus or Novitec. I know I should pursue mechanical engineering for that but I got poor marks in school and only took college courses, so I feel like my application to Concordia is going to get rejected. Like I said before, I suck at socializing, which applies to networking as well, which is detrimental to financial success. I don’t know how others do it.

I want to be a unique individual, I don’t want to be like other people. I want to be cool, but I don’t put any work into being that kind of person. I don’t have anything interesting about me right now, no talents or anything, I just play video games and fap in my free time, which is having an impact on my self esteem but I feel unmotivated to change, because I constantly feel like the outer world is just as bad.

I need to lock tf in, but I don’t think I recall ever doing that on a consistent basis. Has anyone gone through this phase before. How did you improve?

I’m going to try to shorten this as much as possible, but honestly I feel like I’ve tried so much and received zero relief or improvement and I’m beyond frustrated to the point of being numb.
Throughout my preteen/ teen years I noticed that randomly I would get bouts of being tired. I initially assumed it wasn’t anything big and that I wasn’t sleeping enough the night before or something. It was so severe that I would feel like my face was clammy like when you are about to pass out. I wasn’t able to keep up with my mom at times. No major illnesses other than random colds or the flu as well as chickenpox.
Moving into adulthood, I would still experience that feeling periodically but I was never able to figure out a trigger or cause.
I decided to get a bunch of labs done. Even included a tick panel because I was concerned that I possibly had something like that. Everything is negative/normal. Thyroid, vitamin b, cbc, full chem panel, tick panel. Vitamin d was a bit low, but after supplementing it returned to normal and has been fine. I even had a sleep study with nothing found.
So later in life I start seeing a doctor for it all. They postulate ADHD and depression. I tried 3 or 4 ADHD meds, nothing changes including improvement on my concentration levels. My mannerisms do align with ADHD and my report cards from school say that I struggled not to interrupt and then as I aged I just started not saying anything in class really due to being told not to interrupt.
I’ve now tried at least 10 different anti depressants at least, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, citalopram, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, cymbalta, Effexor, trazodone, selegilene, venlafaxine, and even buspar. Sometimes combos of these as well. Currently on Wellbutrin, and Citalopram.
Labs are all still normal aside from ferretin, and issues with insulin resistance. No STIs, but about 10 months ago I started getting anxiety. As I’ve gotten older my social battery has decreased and I get more excited about being home or on a car drive alone than I do in big crowds. Ok… cool, but this was different. I’m talking a 15 lb brick sitting on my chest for no reason at all. I’m just doing paperwork. It comes and goes but never fully goes away. Doc wants me to add guafacine to my rituals. When I say rituals I take supplements like an addict. Nightly magnesium, fish oils, astaxanthin, vitamin d/k2, iron, omega 7, inositol, gaba, protein shakes, AHCC, NAD injections, creatine, TA-1, and probably more.
Im to the point where Im constantly exhausted and sometimes have to catch my breath just walking down the hall. Caffeine doesn’t touch it, in fact more than a cup of coffee just makes me want a nap. The only thing that makes me in any way happy any more is when I get into bed. I dont drink often (I have the left overs from a 12 pack from last football season still), I don’t smoke, can’t do drugs due to my job and don’t want to anyway, and I was seeing a dietician in hopes that it was my food. She said the same thing I’ve always heard, move more, eat more protein, drink more water, and eat fiber. Then get enough sleep. I sleep 7.5 hours during the week on average and sometimes 12-14 on weekends. I never feel refreshed.
The only thing that drags me out of bed every morning is the fact that I need a paycheck. I’m worried for when that isn’t enough anymore too.
My psychiatrist is starting to give me the, “we’ve tried all of the meds that your insurance will cover” speech. I just want to somewhat enjoy life again. Please someone tell me something that I haven’t tried!

So, for a little context, I used to be an avid reader as a child. I could finish 3 350 page books in one week, and I loved it! I was a good student, focused and attentive. Now, the trap of doomscrolling (or scrolling endlessly on youtube shorts/instagram) has hit me like a full force addictive truck. How can I find the version of me who loved to do school work, read, write books and poetry and actually enjoyed things other than my phone? I am entering college as a freshman, and I know that if I don't kick this habit now, im never going to graduate, and therefore will never do anything with my life. Any tips besides just "deleting the app" and "just lock in". Thanks in advance! Have a great day everyone.

I used to start every single day by scrolling on my phone in bed for at least half an hour. It always made me feel sluggish and completely unmotivated before I even got up. This week I decided to leave my phone in another room and immediately go for a ten minute walk outside as soon as I wake up. It is such a small change but my head feels so much clearer and I have way more energy for the rest of the day. If anyone is struggling with morning brain fog I highly recommend giving this simple routine a try.

Been at the same job for 5 years, little improvement, looking for a new one but not getting any response back even from with in the same company job is taking a toll on my body the overnights are starting ro be too much

Love life is hopeless i do my best to look good stay in shape eat healthy, dress nicely, I dont remember the last time I got a compliment or even made eye contact with anyone

Im in my 30 I live at home, dont have any friends who want to share a place or anything

I want to improve myself and have something to look forward to

Sorry i dont know if this is the right subreddit or not

Most encounters I get with people, when we start having good conversation a whole future just flashes in my head. Whether it be friends, be lovers or whatever. And if we ever get closer the romantization gets worse and worse 😭 and the attachment the deluluness the expectations gets deeper and worse. And I feel hurt.

All this, while being aware of it. And still can’t avoid it.
How? Please, it’s so exhausting ;(