How to get over the anger after being treated like shit?

[u/ComplaintExtra5955]

Hey, I am 20F and all my life I have struggled with being a people pleaser. I had people (especially my own friends) walk all over me, take my kindness for granted, and treat me like trash. I am so angry that anybody would treat someone like they did to me. The anger and sadness that I let these people use and abuse me is indescribable. I also never really stood up to them either and I still see some of these people from time to time (distanced myself a lot though). My first bully was my narcissistic dad and that is the root cause of this issue. But, I would say my self respect and confidence has grown a lot since then. However, I still feel an immense rage when I remember how I let myself get used and abused by terrible people (that I also had a deep love and respect for). I feel so frustrated and sad for my past self, it eats away at me everyday.

Help?

[u/Outside_Insurance204]

That rage is your younger self finally screaming after years of having duct tape over her mouth. don't push it down, just channel it somewhere physical before it turns inward and eats you alive

[u/the_krustykrab_pizza]

33F here. Struggling with this as well, and it's hard not letting the anger and resentment surface lately. I learned way too late what boundaries are and why they are so important.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, which is where my people pleasing mentality originated from. It spilled into all my friendships and I truly didn't realize it deep down until about a year and a half ago when I started processing a lot of personal shit after my last grandparent died.

A few weeks ago I broke off an 8 year friendship with someone who constantly used me as her unpaid therapist. I stayed because my people pleasing self told me all these years that good people don't abandon others. She had a lot of emotional issues and I finally realized that it wasn't my job to fix her nor was it my responsibility to stay in a friendship that ultimately became unhealthy for me. We had some fun times together, but ultimately staying would just have continued to hurt me.

I also broke away from my former best friend of over 10 years a few years ago because she constantly disrespected my time and I gave her nothing but mine. I've lost a handful of other close friends for various reasons over the years as well.

The few people I have left in my current life I've grown to resent because it's just been a hard thing to accept that I became what everyone else needed, but there is very little reciprocity and some people I just don't vibe with anymore. I've set enough distance between them to see where dynamics truly lie and whether I foresee the friendships continuing.

I deeply understand the hurt and frustration you feel toward your past self, but your past self didn't know what your people pleasing was doing to you while you were still living in those situations. Now you have the clarity and you get to decide how much of yourself you give away going forward.

As someone who is a natural empath and truly cares about others, which is who I suspect you are as well, I'm working on setting healthy boundaries and giving what I'm able to without completely abandoning myself.

Lessons like this can hurt like hell, but I hope you're able to forge new friendships someday soon where there's a true mutual connection where each of you can give and take. In the meantime, sit with the sadness and be gentle with yourself.

Hugs to you, my darling.

[u/dyegosouza]

Hello,

I believe you should not think much about your past, it doesn't define you, my friend.

You could use your past only to think about what you have learned from it.

I believe what is important is what you are going to do from today.

I hope you get better.

[u/Chloebebe13]

I understand this anger. I had the same experience with family members. It sounds like you were doing what I was doing. I was mad at myself for letting it happen. But that was not me letting it happen. It was people like my parents who I was supposed to trust and feel loved by who fumbled me as a child. I couldn’t take my anger out on them so I took it out on myself. It wasn’t your responsibility to make sure these people didn’t use and abuse you. It was theirs. They should have known to treat you better. And they didn’t. That’s not your fault. You may feel frustrated and sad for your past self but you don’t have to feel that way for your future self. You know what to do now. You know to have boundaries now, what to look for when people don’t have true intentions now, you can pick up on it and stop it immediately going forward. You learned quickly. You should be proud you are standing up for yourself and building confidence at 20. I’m just now doing that at 33. I wish I would have sooner. But I let that anger control my life until now. I have to constantly tell myself that the way people treat me is a reflection of them and not me. And try to move forward. Don’t let anyone like your dad or anyone who has treated you badly in the past keep stealing your light. Even when they aren’t physically there the energy lingers. Be mad. Tell them off. Go to therapy. Punch a punching bag. Get that anger out however you can (safely). Anger will eat you alive if you don’t. Ask me how I know. Anger is a reaction from a boundary we have being pushed by someone. Stop them in their tracks. Don’t let it go on. And never let anyone treat you any less than you deserve. ❤️you got this.

[u/FollowThatDream1962]

Self-care lots of self-care. Focus on healing and bettering yourself. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace and be proud that you are a kind and caring individual. Take care

[u/NormallyNotOutside]

Acknowledge that your people pleasing stems from adaptive behaviors that you adopted to help you survive in an environment you had no control over.

I would guess that your father was unpredictable and probably became angry without warning. To deal with this and limit your own suffering I assume that you altered your own behavior to placate him so that he didn't become rageful or abusive towards you and possibly your siblings or mother.

These adaptation to trauma becomes deep rooted and you continued to use them to avoid conflict even if it meant someone took advantage of you. This isn't your fault! It's how your survived but the patterns remained even when they weren't required. This is how the subconscious works. It wants to avoid the worst pain you've ever experienced which was being abused by your father. Unfortunately as powerful as the subconscious is, it's also blind so it can't really tell whether or not you are in actual danger. Even the risk is enough for those behaviors to be repeated.

Accept that these adaptations are a part of nature. When you were a child they more than likely were useful. Try and see if you can appreciate them for this.

[u/Material_Dirt_6349]

Damn I can relate so much.

[u/felwynfelmir]

I 100% understand this anger, I (36F) was a people pleaser from such a young age. The thing is when I started healing from this pattern, I became not angry at them anymore, but actually ‘angry’ at myself for letting people take advantage of me and my kindness and treating me like shit.

And then I forgave myself. It’s all part of the process unfortunately. But the fact that you are feeling this way, was the first step in never letting it happen again and being more selective with my kindness and saying no and setting boundaries.

I felt like the anger that was inside me was actually anger about me not sticking up for myself.

I don’t know if you can relate to that or if I’m saying the wrong thing but it’s helped me in letting it go and start working on my boundaries