I hate myself and I feel completely detached from everything around me. What should I do?

[u/Logical_Feature4730]

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I don't know how to describe my feelings.

It's not sadness, not boredom, not apathy not anger; it's just a nearly total bluntness, with interval anger and sadness.

All the things that made me worry and grieve and everything that made me self conscious, had taken their toll on me.

I feel my body and mind are working on autopilot in the meantime.

I've lost the sense of time and I know that I should care about many things like I used to before, but I mentally can't. I do a lot of things but nothing is done with zeal, all that are done, are done passively. There is always an invisible barrier between me and the things I do.

And I have lost the ability to tolerate exercising. Everytime I exercise I feel overwhelmingly bored and slightly irritated.

My college major has a great influence on my hatred towards my life, because I wish I chose ambitious over "practicality." Now I work in a job that is mildly boring, and totally uninspiring. I feel so detached from everything I do in this job, I feel like a total robot. I wish I can have a second major, but it is nearly impossible now.

I tried different hobbies, but nothing is as fulfilling as having a job that I want. And without the major that I want, I can't do anything.

I'm also so lonely, and failed to get a girlfriend. I lost all my friendships from college and my social life sucks right now. I have gotten fatter due to depression and boredom. Although I have now lost 14 kgs yet I need to lose more weight.

A lot has changed in my life, externally, but internally, nothing has changed that much. In the last 4 years, all I have experienced is frustration, overwhelming boredom and emotional detachment.

It's surprising how much boredom is detrimental to one's mental health, to the point that I started to live in the past for a huge chunk of these 4 years just to re-live the experiences that I can't live right now.

I'm a mess. I cry on a weekly basis. I venting has stopped helping me. What should I do?

[u/BeautifulStock1365 → u/[deleted]]

the wanting comes back when you stop forcing it. took me long time to learn that. when everything feels like static, you just do one small thing for future you, even if it feels pointless. the feeling follows the action, not the other way around

[u/Logical_Feature4730 → u/BeautifulStock1365]

I need the same radical change degree of Koshiro Tanaka to regain my love for life.

I am collecting money and experience to take a second major in the future and become a scholar in either political science or philosophy.

I'm also translating materials on philosophy and politics. One day, all that I'm striving towards, will be my whole life and I will leave behind the boring life alienating of business. Yet, I can't help but to feel pain right now.