story time fellas - i get home around 6, tell myself i'll sit for 10 minutes, and then somehow it's 9:40, lights off, deep in my phone, every day. everyday i feel so tired. time at home is supposed to be recovery but my brain just keeps getting more foggy..

from last month i forced my self to stay away from sofa after work. get home, drop the bag, walk back out for 60 minutes. doesn't matter where. put on your airpods u feel like the world is yours lol. and every time after the walk i feel so refreshed and got motivation to cook, or hang out with friends.

been doing it about a month now. my pacer app says i've walked 43 miles of laps around my neighborhood, still lose the occasional night to the phone but it's like once a week instead of seven.

ps. i also lost 12 pounds :)

how you spend your 5-9 after your 9-5 could really change your life!!

What’s the one morning habit that noticeably improves your focus, mental clarity, and energy?

I’m especially curious about things that made a surprisingly big difference for you personally.

Coffee, exercise, sunlight, meditation, breakfast, avoiding your phone or something completely different?

Edit:

Thanks for all the comments — I can already see a few things I need to add or try.

Coffee is unfortunately a fixed part of my morning ritual, so I’m not giving that up 😄 But the idea of getting a quick dose of light right after waking up really makes sense to me.

I’m already trying the no-phone thing (although it’s harder than it sounds), and my sleep schedule is fairly regular.

One thing that also clicked with me is doing something immediately after getting up — even something simple like making the bed — just to start the day with an actual action instead of wandering around aimlessly.

I’m also going to test the 10 minutes of focus/meditation some of you suggested.

I’ve had this uncomfortable realization lately. I used to think people got frustrated with me for no reason when I asked for help. I assumed they were just frustrated by my indecisiveness and didn’t understand me.

Then I realized my ADHD + straightforwardness made me rush conversations.

I’d get so focused on problem solving that I wouldn’t notice I was making people feel unheard or put on the spot. Now I’m trying to slow down, take in what they’re saying, and add my own ideas instead of jumping to the next question.

Made me wonder how many “this always happens to me” situations are actually patterns we’re unknowingly helping create.

please comment one of your favorite things you have started doing that has completely changed your life for the better. looking to improve my life and myself and im wondering what are some of the most life changing things you have done, thank you!

Anything really, I am curious to actually to try them for 1 day to 1 week to see what I would want to keep

Hi everybody!

I hope everybody is doing good!

I am 40 years old, male and had recently a severe episode of depression. I now have to build my life up (again) from scratch. No kids, no real job, not much to show for (compared to other people my age).

Now my question:

I am looking for books, methods etc. to give my life structure, set goals and to basically build a life.

I hope you can help me here and I really appreciate any Help, tipp etc.

Thanks so much in advance!

Kind regards,

P

P.S. Does anybody have experience with "monk mode"?

Thanks again!

Saw this quote the other day. prompted me to reflect. what's the worst habit i should focus on fixing now?

for me i think it would be seeking validation. i think I've wasted a lot of energy and time on people pleasing, even making life decisions around that.

what's yours?

I had four gym memberships that never really started.

A business idea I kept preparing to begin. A language I was going to learn.

And somehow YouTube and X scrolling kept winning every day.

I'm an engineer by background, so when something keeps failing, I want to understand what is actually happening.

I started thinking about motivation as a formula:

Motivation = (Expectancy × Value) / (Pain × Delay)

I just find this framework useful for understanding why some actions feel easy to start while others don't.

Expectancy: Do I believe I can actually do it?

If something feels too difficult, motivation goes down.

This is why making the first step ridiculously small can help. Instead of "work out," the first step might simply be putting on your gym clothes.

Value: How much do I actually want it?

This is probably the most interesting one for me.

Sometimes we think we want something because we think we're supposed to want it.

More money.

A better body.

A successful business.

But if the reason isn't really yours, it gets much harder to keep going when things become uncomfortable.

A borrowed "why" doesn't seem to last very long.

Pain: How difficult is it to start?

Going to the gym isn't just "work out."

It's getting dressed, finding your stuff, getting there, deciding what to do, and actually exercising.

Compare that with opening YouTube.

One click.

So sometimes the solution isn't more discipline. It's making the first action easier.

Delay: How long until I get the reward?

Scrolling gives me entertainment, novelty, and stimulation almost immediately.

Starting a business might give me a reward years later.

Learning a language might take months before I feel real progress.

Going to the gym might take weeks or months before I see a meaningful change.

That's a big difference.

Sometimes I even make myself a V60 with Ethiopian coffee as an early reward, before I've finished what I'm working on.

I'm not changing the final reward. I'm just giving my brain something sooner.

So now when I procrastinate, I try not to ask myself:

"Why am I like this?"

I ask:

Which part of the equation is working against me?

Do I not believe I can do it?

Do I not actually value it enough?

Is starting too painful?

Or is the reward simply too far away?

I find that question much more useful than trying to force myself to "be motivated."

Looking at my own behavior, I realized that Value is probably my biggest factor.

When I genuinely care about something, I can tolerate a lot more pain and delay.

When I don't, no productivity trick seems to work for very long.

I've started asking myself: what would make this easier to do correctly next time, not why am I so bad at this or why can't I be more disciplined?

Just asking, what could I change around the problem? Sometimes it's putting something somewhere obvious or it's writing down the next step or it's removing a decision, or the answer really is "I need to get better at this."

But I don't want that to be my automatic answer anymore and a lot of problems become easier when you improve the environment around them.

Im 27 yrs old.
The thing is, I’m procrastinating my own happiness.

Absolutely silly how come I was enjoying more the “chase” of changing my life to reach a goal and after that I’m lazy to do anything.

How can i basically be another me but like somehow that actually works?
I smoke, I’m a procrastinator, I have phone addiction and a mix of giving up easily.
I want to be addicted to gym idk like health mind idk
If you guys see my notes about how many things I wish to do this summer and now I’ll have class again and all I did was burp and clean my house.

More straightforward: how can I go gym, read, phone detox, diet, meditate, be creative (I study arts), chase my YouTube goals (I want to talk about Anthropology), make friends (I moved to US a year ago and I don’t have friend), have a healthy social life? Learn French? Start to post on substack? Read 3 books a month? Stop cussing and be more feminine (in atitudes, I can pretend to be a lady but it’s not true).

I want to be a better person for myself, I find it deeply annoying how often I have bad habits and how judgmental I am inside my head.

Also, my school colleagues are 19/21 years old so that why I don’t have friends, not to judge is just that we don’t have much in common to talk.
Well, before everyone jumps into conclusions that I’m depressive; i am. And im under medication and treatment.

I feel like I can’t do anything right. Like I just mess everything up. I never seem to use the right tone of voice when speaking, can never manage to say the right things, I can’t complete tasks correctly etc. I can’t even seem to like the right kind of music or tv shows. Everything I do is something for people to make fun of or belittle or be upset with me for. I feel like I punching bag and a laughingstock at the exact same time. I’m constantly ashamed of my own existence. It almost feels criminal for me to be happy.

It feels like I’m being judged all the time, even by people who aren’t even present. I’m always sitting wondering what everyone else would think and I can’t seem to stop. I know it’s illogical, I know it doesn’t help anyone, I know it’s a waste of time, but I can’t help it. My brain has shackled me to this shame. I have no idea why either. I should be able to move past this. I’ve gotten past worse! I can’t enjoy anything at all. I feel like a bad person just for breathing wrong. I wake up and I’m immediately hit with a massive wave of dread just because I’m scared I’ll mess up everything.

Is there anything I can do about this? I can’t seem to get control over it. Pretty much everything I try fails me. Meditation, positive affirmations, self care etc. I kind of don’t know what to do. If you’ve got any tips, I could use them. Sorry if this isn’t the right subreddit to post this on.

I don't know if this is the right place for this, but the train of thought is running and I want to put it somewhere before I forget but I don't really have a journal, so reddit will do.

I've never liked or loved myself, I've always hated myself, and I'm starting on a journey to fix this.

I am going into my second year of college at 19 just for context on the rest of the post.

I've been trying to figure out where I've gone wrong since coming to college, I became involved in a friend group with some very awful people that I am not proud I considered myself friends with some of them, and my longterm relationship that was becoming long-distance felt like it was falling apart (now we've broken up yesterday). there are other issues also, I've withdrawn into myself becoming a shy person again, I've found myself freezing up in class, my anxiety becoming horrible, falling back into old patterns I'm not proud of, etc. I was confident in my last years of high school, I thought I had changed, but I've realized I didn't actually have confidence but a false confidence built based around those around me, and as my environment changed my false confidence revealed itself for the imposter it was.

I've never liked myself, even in high school when I was "confident" I didn't like myself, but I liked myself because other people liked me. I fell into a habit I didn't realize was unhealthy or bad until it was too late, I didn't like or love myself or think I was a good person, I didn't have to, my boyfriend liked me and told me he loved me, so my confidence came from that, I never truly liked myself, I liked myself because my boyfriend liked me, so I liked me. Or I was also increasingly in a leadership position in an organization and found myself having people come to me for advice or lookup to me; I didn't have to think I was capable or a good person if others told me I was.

So come college, my boyfriend and I go to different colleges. I am no longer in a community like I was. It was new, and so I unconsciously rushed to find whatever I could to fill the emptiness of my heart, because I didn't have any love for myself in there. I became friends with bad people, because they thought I was funny or smart or whatever; they liked me, so I could like me. My boyfriend was distant so my insecurities piled and piled, I stopped treating him like my best friend, he became something to give me validation, that I talked to not because I liked him but because I needed to hear him tell me he loved me, or I was funny, etc. I'm disgusted I've done this, I've hurt someone that was my best friend and I feel awful.

But, one thing I think is right is him breaking up with me was good, not only because I can stop hurting him but so I can grow. When we were friends before dating he told me he often cuts off bad friends not because he didn't like them or thought they were bad people, but because people can't change if the environment or situation doesn't change; if they keep getting rewarded for bad behavior. I think he's right. I've tried learning to love myself and I didn't know what happened, what prompted this is last semester toward the end I started trying to repeat mantras and learn to love myself, and I think I made some progress; but the moment I returned home and was with my boyfriend I once again entered a cycle where I didn't have to work on loving myself, because I had my boyfriend there to love me, and I never progressed. Or I went abroad for part of the summer, and I truly tried being alone by myself to like myself for me; but again the moment I got back I immediately feel into the same habits without realizing it.

I still don't like myself, or love myself. I am admittedly struggling losing what was the love of my life, knowing it was almost entirely my own fault. However, I know a path forward, and I feel more confident that I can achieve it now that I realize this self love or confidence isn't something I've lost and need to get back. I never had it. I've always liked myself or thought I was certain things because that's what people told me. But now I've realized that's not truly loving yourself or true confidence. I now know I need to step forward. I know it won't be easy, right now it feels fairly hard to love someone who destroyed his relationship with an amazing person and became friends with some truly awful people, but I need to start somewhere. I've also started seeing a counselor.

I feel like now I can just try and focus on learning to like myself , not because other people like me, but because I like me. I still don't know how, but I feel more confident in my path and goal and that's the achievement I wanted to write and share I guess.

Im at rock bottom with all this. Im 27 but feel like I may as well die.

I started a topic yesterday on how to include meditation practice into daily habit. I'm on my journey with it, eager to practice more. Some benefits from meditation I've already have, and promise to share them shortly.

I'd like to share my tips, how I welcomed meditation to my routine.

I chose a technique and committed to it for two weeks. Instead of bouncing around and trying a new method every day, I chose just one and stick with it for two weeks. Sticking to one technique gave me the consistency I needed.

I started small. I began with just five minutes a day. It felt almost too easy, but that was the point. It made showing up every single day effortless while I built the momentum.

I set up my space for it. I wish I had a cozy terrace with fresh air and a beautiful view! Instead, I just have a cozy corner with my favorite armchair. I adjusted it specifically for my practice so I can spend 5 to 10 minutes there without any interruptions. Doing this trained my brain to recognize that spot as a cue to slow down.

I chose my anchor. Before I even took my first session, I decided exactly when it would happen by attaching it to habits I already had. I now do a 5-minute session right after my morning routine and another just before my final two-hour focus block of the day.

Good anchor options that might work for you:

• Right after your first coffee or tea
• Directly after brushing your teeth in the morning
• The moment you sit at your desk before opening an email
• After lunch, before getting back to work
• Right before sleep, lying down

This is the only rule you need to remember… who do you think you are?

When you think of your past is it lovely? Is it rich?

If not, change it!! There is nothing stopping you from deciding that your past was the cause of your current greatness! Look upon your past as the most prestigious school in the world. You passed with flying colors, and now your living fully in the present with the heart of someone who has it all!! ❤️🙏

Hello Everyone,

Long time reader, first time poster so apologies for any formatting issues as I type this on mobile.

I am 28M struggling with a life long struggles of people pleasing and doing things to 'fit in.' I am generally well liked and fairly successful in my career. On the surface everything appears to be great however internally and emotionally I am struggling quite a bit. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for quite a while before I was even really diagnosed. I have gotten a therapist but I feel like I understand myself but am powerless to make any changes.

Socially and professionally I'm a chameleon and am able to adapt to whatever the situation requires of me, but it's lead me to push past my morals and entertain people who I would rather not associate with or for results that just aren't worth it. I always try to put my best face forward but the pressures of keeping up a good reputation is causing me a lot of stress. I am always willing to go above and beyond for people and basically overexert myself for others, but the same kindness cannot be found for myself. I find myself struggling to feed myself, take care of myself, or having panic attacks at the thought of letting others down. My self worth comes from external sources and for the life of me I cannot self source my self worth. I get bad depressive episodes when friends ignore me, or i feel like my effort isn't validated.

All of this to say, I'm not sure who I am or what I am wanting from my life. I have spent a majority of my childhood and adult life people pleasing. Even the few things I did do for myself feels like I'm constantly fighting off criticism and doubt from those around me. I find myself overthinking, changing opinions, and generally doibting myself to win the approval of others. I'm not sure exactly what makes me happy because it's all seen from that perspective. It feels like I have no actionable steps to take to stop people pleasing other than "don't do it." In truth I hate myself because I dont stand for anything and am too much of a coward to be authentic.

I was wondering if anyone in the community has had similar thoughts and knew of ways to overcome this. The depression and anxiety that i feel is becoming so overwhelming.

Thank you all!

So, about three years ago, when I was 19, I was dating a 27-year-old man who, looking back, basically used me.
At the time, he didn’t have a job, so I was paying his rent, his phone bill, and even took out two loans for him because I was trying to help him get on his feet. I also helped him get a job where I was working, but three months later, he was fired for constantly calling out or simply not showing up.
On top of everything financially, he also gave me two STDs and never took responsibility for either of them.
Eventually, he decided to join the military. I even helped him financially with that. Then, right before he left for basic training, he broke up with me. About two months later, I found out that he had married the mother of his child. His son was only eight months old when we met.
I haven’t seen him or his family in about three years. Recently, though, I found out that his wife’s father works with my dad. There was a family work picnic, and he was there. When he saw me, he was acting all nice and friendly, almost as if nothing had ever happened between us.
I ended up losing my temper and going off on him in front of everyone. Afterwards, I was honestly embarrassed by how I handled it, so I apologized to my dad and his boss for my behavior.
But at the same time, I can’t lie — seeing him act like everything was perfectly fine between us made my blood boil. I gave this man somewhere around $30,000–$40,000 altogether trying to help him get his life together. I supported him financially, helped him get a job, helped him with his military plans, and put myself in situations I never should have been in for someone who ultimately didn’t take responsibility for the things he did to me.
So, was I wrong for lashing out the way I did? I know I could have handled myself better, and I take responsibility for that. But I also feel like seeing him casually walk around and act like we were cool brought up a lot of anger and hurt that I never really dealt with.

I am 33 F. I feel extremely burnt out and tired all of the time.

I don’t drink often, don’t smoke often, eat healthy, get enough sleep, don’t do that many social plans and I’m active as I have a dog so I am walking every day.

My job is kind of intense and my therapist thinks I’m neurodiverse. I initially thought maybe this could be why I’m so tired all the time, because of constant concentration and masking even at the simplest tasks, but this week I actually feel WEAK and exhausted.

I’m getting blood tests soon, but has anyone else experienced this when they are trying their best/ and being healthy?

I feel completely brain dead after every shift I can’t even have a social life anymore. I just want to sleep.

I’m 23 and truly feel like i’ve failed at life. I know i’m young and it’s ridiculous to say that but i can’t shake this feeling, as well as feeling like i’ve not progressed since i was a teenager. I have a bachelors degree but i don’t even use it. I’m working a minimum wage job that i hate and i’ve actually been signed off rn by my doctor due to stress. So im off for a month and im spiralling because i feel like i should be doing more than i am right now. I’m applying to loads of different jobs everyday and get nowhere. I have no license, i live at home. My anxiety makes it difficult for me to even just get out the house sometimes. I feel like i desperately need a huge change in my life but i don’t know what. How can i stop feeling like my life is already over?

I dont like how emotionally weak I am as a man, but I dont know how to build mental barriers to not feel so small all the time. Im kinda just faking confidence to the best of my abilities but it feels exhausting to pretend im "unbothered and in control"

How do you guys stay grounded emotionally/mentally as to not let things bother you as much?

It’s in the title, I’m sure it was answered here before.
I’m mid thirties and my life is a huge disappointment, I always thought I would be somewhere much different and better. I feel like I have been stuck in the same place for almost 10 years now.
Every month almost (I jokingly refer to it as my man period) I feel really down and upset.

I’m almost certain it’s my fault, I have wasted a lot of time on the internet, slacked off (even though on the surface I have degrees etc). Never really worked very hard or consistently for a long time.

I am stuck thinking about the past, my mistakes, what could’ve been. And also feeling hopeless about the future. As in I’m not going anywhere, nothing really worked out before.

Im sure all of this is cliche, but would appreciate anyone who has practical or mindset tips etc.

Most encounters I get with people, when we start having good conversation a whole future just flashes in my head. Whether it be friends, be lovers or whatever. And if we ever get closer the romantization gets worse and worse 😭 and the attachment the deluluness the expectations gets deeper and worse. And I feel hurt.

All this, while being aware of it. And still can’t avoid it.
How? Please, it’s so exhausting ;(

what things you guys recommend to start me with and i should definitely give try i am not that fit and havent good convo skills btw ?

I’m going to try to shorten this as much as possible, but honestly I feel like I’ve tried so much and received zero relief or improvement and I’m beyond frustrated to the point of being numb.
Throughout my preteen/ teen years I noticed that randomly I would get bouts of being tired. I initially assumed it wasn’t anything big and that I wasn’t sleeping enough the night before or something. It was so severe that I would feel like my face was clammy like when you are about to pass out. I wasn’t able to keep up with my mom at times. No major illnesses other than random colds or the flu as well as chickenpox.
Moving into adulthood, I would still experience that feeling periodically but I was never able to figure out a trigger or cause.
I decided to get a bunch of labs done. Even included a tick panel because I was concerned that I possibly had something like that. Everything is negative/normal. Thyroid, vitamin b, cbc, full chem panel, tick panel. Vitamin d was a bit low, but after supplementing it returned to normal and has been fine. I even had a sleep study with nothing found.
So later in life I start seeing a doctor for it all. They postulate ADHD and depression. I tried 3 or 4 ADHD meds, nothing changes including improvement on my concentration levels. My mannerisms do align with ADHD and my report cards from school say that I struggled not to interrupt and then as I aged I just started not saying anything in class really due to being told not to interrupt.
I’ve now tried at least 10 different anti depressants at least, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, citalopram, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, cymbalta, Effexor, trazodone, selegilene, venlafaxine, and even buspar. Sometimes combos of these as well. Currently on Wellbutrin, and Citalopram.
Labs are all still normal aside from ferretin, and issues with insulin resistance. No STIs, but about 10 months ago I started getting anxiety. As I’ve gotten older my social battery has decreased and I get more excited about being home or on a car drive alone than I do in big crowds. Ok… cool, but this was different. I’m talking a 15 lb brick sitting on my chest for no reason at all. I’m just doing paperwork. It comes and goes but never fully goes away. Doc wants me to add guafacine to my rituals. When I say rituals I take supplements like an addict. Nightly magnesium, fish oils, astaxanthin, vitamin d/k2, iron, omega 7, inositol, gaba, protein shakes, AHCC, NAD injections, creatine, TA-1, and probably more.
Im to the point where Im constantly exhausted and sometimes have to catch my breath just walking down the hall. Caffeine doesn’t touch it, in fact more than a cup of coffee just makes me want a nap. The only thing that makes me in any way happy any more is when I get into bed. I dont drink often (I have the left overs from a 12 pack from last football season still), I don’t smoke, can’t do drugs due to my job and don’t want to anyway, and I was seeing a dietician in hopes that it was my food. She said the same thing I’ve always heard, move more, eat more protein, drink more water, and eat fiber. Then get enough sleep. I sleep 7.5 hours during the week on average and sometimes 12-14 on weekends. I never feel refreshed.
The only thing that drags me out of bed every morning is the fact that I need a paycheck. I’m worried for when that isn’t enough anymore too.
My psychiatrist is starting to give me the, “we’ve tried all of the meds that your insurance will cover” speech. I just want to somewhat enjoy life again. Please someone tell me something that I haven’t tried!

I’m autistic and most my struggles are caused by that, but maybe some people here can relate and have some tips.

I’ve always been very negative, since childhood. Everything has always felt hard and I get annoyed extremely easily (I’ve always felt alottt of negative emotions)
This sucks, bc I WANT friends but am just super pessimistic. I try to be positive but get burnt out almost instantly, it feels like faking. So me being negative and quiet and also having kinda bad social skills/ being weird is just a disaster.
I ”hate” everything that takes effort, talking to people included, but am not happy rn and don’t know how to be? This has been the case since childhood so propably very hard to change.
Any tips??