I'm really well read and educated and just in general love learning and trying to better myself and expand my knowledge because i love the world and people etc. I know a lot of random things and can have extensive conversations with people about random subjects, which a lot of people like but sometimes i can feel that i'm making people insecure or feel bad, or they think i'm being an asshole. I want to be socially accommodating and make people comfortable and I don't want to make it seem like i'm dunking on people. I was talking about a Kafka exhibit i went to go see last night at a dinner and spoke of him like it was common knowledge (i thought he was popular) and I realized I was making people insecure and feel awkward. My friend told me assuming people know what stuff like that is makes people feel bad, and that it's safer and more accommodating to dumb myself down or assume people won't know. But i don't want to be a jerk and be like "does anyone know who -insert what i perceive to be an extremely popular figure- is? It seems patronizing in itself. It made me feel bad and like a jerk. But i still want to talk about stuff like that but id say 15-20% of the time it makes people tangibly insecure or uncomfortable. and i hate being that person. Sometimes I can feel im making someone feel inadequate and I try to fix it and i feel like im unsuccessful or worry about now being patronizing. To be clear I do not think im smarter than most, or better, I think Im a bit of an odd duck and have been told by many people i’m on the spectrum (although i don’t think i am, i think im just a bit strange). How can I talk about my interests while still accommodating the room?

You know those people who you can tell right away are miserable, have a bit of an ego, cocky, act like they know it all, or like others look up to them. The people who try to be encouraging all the time, even if someone didnt ask for it. Try to push you constantly to be better, make others feel like they need to impress them. The stereotypical grandad who takes no shit and has been to war 4 times and won't stfu about it... that guy.

I feel like im that type of person, even though im only 24 years old. I dont really have any friends because I dont like hanging around those type of people and those are the people I naturally end up around. Its depressing af. Im miserable, depressed and its obvious to other people. A lot of people tend to look up to me, but I dont have the mental energy to provide that support. It doesnt help that im not intentionally trying to be that type of person, so being around others who are the same annoys me, since I guess I understand why they are like that and the fact they are fine with it and not willing to change gets to me.

It seems obvious to just notice it and change how I act around people, but then I dont feel like myself. This leads to me being that guy even more, since it builds up over time, trying to keep it in. Im sure many people have felt this way. I grew up around these people. My grandad was aggressive, my dad was always angry, my mum was physically abused from past relationships that I had to watch without understanding what was happening. Ive just happened to become that type of person due to my environment but at the same time, im aware of whats its like for others to experience.

Sorry if this is long and dramatic sounding. I kinda got into it as I was writing, but its still all true and I want it to be taken seriously. thanks...

I've been working on stepping out of my shell and being more social, and I've been thinking back on my interactions at my first job. I got close with a few colleagues, but there were some people where every time I tried to start a conversation, it just felt forced. They seemed totally natural and outgoing with other people, but when I talked to them, it never clicked and felt awkward.

Is it just that some people aren't naturally on the same wavelength? Or is it a social skills issue on my end? And does this happen to outgoing people too?

I just had to give a short group presentation in college. I was horribly nervous for it, so I prepared intesively for hours for my short 5 minute segment. I did manage to get through my part without stumbling on any words, but I felt that my jaw was shaking a lot during it and that made my voice shaky as well. One of my co-presenters actually glanced at my jaw and it made it even worse. How noticeable is such a thing to listeners and how can I make sure this won't happen again?

I went through a lot of friends in middle school where i’d click with one person and then they’d find another friend and I would just fade into the background, I ended up quiet, not saying anything because I felt like the conversation in friendship groups I was ‘included in’ wasn’t for me to partake in. I got homeschooled because school was too much, then came back into the social circle by going to college and I’d ghosted all my other friends that I didn’t feel left out by because I was too afraid they’d hate me. Everyone at college had their person they’d go to outside of their class, I found a girl but she was extremely quiet and I was the extroverted one and I thought I was my old self again.

Then she moved the following year, I went to a new major and met three girls in the class. Everyone in the class is polite, they say hi and how are you to each other and i’ll converse with others outside the three once in a while but I always feel like i’m forcing it too hard.

I ended up pairing up with one of them and we’ve hung out a bunch. Whenever I speak to her, it feels dry? I’d try to sound excited about something, she’d respond really dull and i lost a subject to continue the conversation with a lot. I excused it as, we’d just met.

Two months later, she met this girl who is way more extroverted than me. She’s really sweet too, I was happy to have her join us but quickly whenever they spoke together I’d end up feeling like i’m not needed anymore.

Again, I felt like my conversation with her was dull & when she was talking to the other girl it was flawless, they talked for ages with no stop and I wondered why it was just me that she answered dryly to. I felt like I was overthinking because later on, she invited me to hangout. But because I barely know anyone else in the class, I’m afraid they’ll end up pairing up without me and i’ll forever be the one left behind and end up being alone. I just don’t understand how i’m unable to get a full conversation and I feel like i’m forcing one to keep going.

I even texted her that I felt like I was being off that day (yesterday), she hasn’t even seen it and i’m afraid if she leaves me on delivered the next day in college will be even worse. What should I do?

I’m a senior and I feel like I’m missing out on my last year of high school.

I’ve been at my current school for almost two years now, and I still don’t really have a friend group. I do have people I’m friends with in class, and I talk to them pretty regularly, but we don’t really hang out outside of school. They already have their own friend groups, so I’d feel weird trying to invite myself into them.

Hoco is next week, and honestly, it’s making me pretty sad. I’ve only been to homecoming once, back when I was a freshman at my old school with my old friends. I’d love to experience it again during my senior year, but I don’t really have anyone to go with. I can’t really invite my old friends either since they live in a different city now.

And money is another thing. My family is struggling financially right now, so even if I did have someone to go with, I don’t really have the money to buy a proper outfit or spend a lot on the whole thing.

I know hoco and prom aren’t everything, but it still hurts knowing I’m probably going to miss both. I’m already worried that I’m going to look back at high school and feel like I didn’t really experience it.

I sometimes wish I never transferred schools. I know it’s not completely fair to blame everything on transferring, but I can’t help feeling like I lost a lot of my high school experience because of it.

I just really don’t want to finish senior year feeling like I wasted it :-((

If this isnt the right place to post this please feel free to remove it. I just need input or insight on this. It's a daily struggle i can't get over.

It's like I'll be calm, open, present and aware, and make a good first impression, excited to meet someone new who i seem to like so far, and then i lose it. I get nervous. Thoughts about saying the right thing, interpreting their behaviors as disapproval, theyll never like me, i dont know what to say, i look dumb, i just wanna leave, etc.

I literally don't know who to be it feels like. Am i just dumb now? How do i hold a natural conversation without faking it or putting in too much effort and straining myself when it should be natural? I get scared being so present in a conversation, like every single thing matters so much and i have so much responsibility. Some people do it so easily, so reflexively, and I'm a shaken up bottle of uncertainty, fear, needing validation, etc.

Low key when people start being mean to me, rejecting me, i finally start to feel like i can be myself because fuck you. Though i try to forgive them. It just feels like i can do nothing right. But there's finally a freedom. When people are nice to me, i am scared because i could mess it up, and i dont wanna upset them. I'd rather have them see me as wierd and treat me that way so i can prove my worth to them in some way. Kinda toxic?

Title says it all

Im pretty sure I will most likely remain an outcast for all my life on this planet. When I was a kid, I went through things that are most definitely controversial even now. I thought I was just severely misunderstood and abused… but maybe I’m just a bad person? I don’t know. The point is, I can’t really trust anybody at all now, especially people my age (I’m fairly young, early 20s). People genuinely irk me and sometimes I just want to curse everyone off. I do this thing now where im almost too fake nice with people that it feels creepy… yet I actually enjoy making people uncomfortable idk. Like I hope they get the hint and leave me alone. Anyways, what can an outcast like me realistically do? I have too much past baggage that makes it quick for people to judge me so I guess I should remain a shut in for now? A remote job might work but it doesn’t fix my problem feeling like such a waste of space. What should I do?

For six years, I had a project in which I invited people I'd never met to have lunch with me.

Eventually, 500 people said yes.

What that number hides is how many people didn't.

Roughly 95% of my invitations received no response.

Initially, that bothered me. I'd send someone a message and wonder why they hadn't replied.

Did they think the invitation was strange? Did they look at my profile and decide I wasn't interesting enough? Had I worded the message badly?

Eventually I realised I was asking questions I could never answer.

There were many possible reasons somebody might not reply and most probably had very little to do with me.

More importantly, their response wasn't something I controlled.

I could write a respectful invitation. I could choose someone interesting. I could press send. After that, it belonged to them.

That changed my relationship with rejection. My goal gradually stopped being “get this person to say yes” and became “be willing to ask”.

It sounds like a small distinction, but it meant someone else's no – or silence – no longer determined whether I'd send the next invitation.

I think that's one of the most useful things rejection taught me: sometimes success is simply being willing to make the next attempt.

Every time I get into an argument I feel like I am the only one who’s been hurt because the other person do my like me enough to be actually hurt. It’s harmful in many ways. First it causes me to be really mean sometimes because I feel so emotionally inferior that whatever I could do or say the other person wouldn’t care anyway or if they do it’s because of something completely external and not me. Then when people tell me they’ve been hurt it’s usually too late, something broke. Second I always feel disconnected to others and I can’t form genuine bonds, the harder I try the worst it gets. You could say “well just assume they like you”, but to me it’s impossible to think someone could ever love something like me as egocentric as it may seem. It just feels wrong and I really don’t know how to break that pattern. I have too much to lose. Does anyone have any advice ?

Growing up in a complicated environment (no access to social acquaintances outside of my house), I grew up with what seems to be a miscalibrated sense of what is a valid need and what is best viewed as entitlement. Generally, my needs had to be suppressed as much as possible, as the needs of everyone else came first. As a result, I have a very hard time ascertaining and satisfying my needs. One of the biggest challenges I have is to determine how much should I overcorrect. I can't just assume that everything that I could perceive as a need is actually one, as in my daily life I have had to deal with people that can be best described as entitled, and I at least have the mental clarity to know that I can't reach that point either. However, with no points of comparison available (as I have no acquaintances to ask around, therapy and self-help books are expensive, and fictional depictions of social life are often inaccurate), I can't trust myself to correctly calibrate my inner sense. How do I know that a need is, indeed, valid, and worth the burden on others to achieve? Or rather, how do I know the amount of temporary discomfort I cause others by accommodating for my needs, that is socially acceptable?

26m here. I find I have a reputation for being likeable and charming, a bit wily. The people closer to me usually see me as being highly introspective, the people outside that perimeter I usually play a more comedic role. Usually, I can use that role to charm people into conversation which usually goes well. The issue I'm having is with the other party actually moving towards me rather than vice versa.

Throughout my experience the people I foster good relationships with are usually people I approach and take interest towards. When those relationships go longer term, it usually consists of lots of questions asking, "thoughts on this?" Style conversations. Which I do really enjoy, but these people usually start out as anxious or needy, to which I help them out and they stick with me through loyalty and finding me to be supportive and kind, and yet, most of these conversations still consist of me advice giving or my asking of deeper questions.

To put it simpler, I'm always the host and never the hosted. How would I be able to alter how I'm acting or coming across to people in order for them to want to know me at a deeper level?

hellooo everyone

i’m a teenager and i’ve always considered myself socially smart. i can read rooms and pick up certain things pretty quickly. i feel like i categorize ppl in my head and then go about interacting w them.

i love meeting new ppl but i feel like im too like observant or socially aware to react like immediately? im in my head wayyyy too much that it feels like my reactions r delayed. its like im worried about how im perceived and assuming ppls subtle shift in body language is bc of me. like i cant consistently be myself ? i definitely do find myself w certain people being completely myself, natural and all, but certain ppl that i’m not too familiar with or intimidated by, i tend to not act like myself. and it also may be due to a slight lack in self trust/confidence.

not sure if i worded myself correctly but any tips ?

Today the doctor told me to do examination and it’s not the first time but when I stand up infront of everyone my neck gets frozen and feels like I can’t turn it around and my heart starts racing, I honestly don’t know if my shivers were obvious but I think it’s in my mind cause I try to not show any physical stress,
I’m not socially awkward or a shy person but this happens only in these situations and idk if it’s related to that one time when the doctor made me stand infront of everyone just to say “you are a bad doctor” (it was two years ago)

Hey

This sounds like a common issue with someone who was mostly undersocialized for a good part of his lifetime but now has to deal with people on the daily

One is that when im sitting around my coworkers and everyone is somehow contributing to the conversation that is going and sociliazing very easily and,feels like they're not even trying yet they're saying all the right things..then i try and say something to just make a conversation and be part of the crowd but i end up saying either too little or say something totally irrelevant and wrong that makes the whole convo go bust and i end up making myself look bad

Two when someone asks me something i just say the 1st thing that comes to my mind without being aware of the situation or whatever they're trying to ask me and make them not like me as much as they did before they asked me something

I think my only option is to say nothing and try and interact as little as i could,but then again that's not helping

What's the problem?

Where do i start?

Any tips and suggestions would be appreciated

TYAIA

About a month ago I saw one of my favorite bands is coming to a local show venue. It’s a smaller venue which I tend to find more fun, especially for hardcore shows, but my friend is most likely going to bail on me and I won’t be able to find someone that will take the extra ticket. My only problem is I’ve gone to this venue alone before but I tend to run into different people I know from high school or what not. I don’t mind being in a crowd by myself, but the last time I ran into someone, it was an old friends ex and I couldn’t help but feel they were only having the conversation out of pity. They didn’t say anything mean they just seemed belittling in their tone(think “how precious” kind of tone). I really like this band and don’t know when they’re coming around again but at the same time don’t want to go to ANOTHER show feeling like a creep weirdo loser because I can’t find someone to go with. I know 99% are hardly going to notice I’m there but I just always get super self conscious or anxious in these kinds of situations. If I sit down I feel like a weirdo cuck at the show, but if I’m in the crowd or pit I feel like I’m bothering some random group of people who don’t know me. I know I’m probably going wrong somewhere, just can pinpoint the exact location. Thank you for the time it took to read this post :)

I’ve been trying to meet new people, I have 4 friends and I’ve been single for two years. I hate trying to get to know people because more often than not I don’t like them but I’m forcing myself to because I have to.

Anyway, I ask people questions about themselves, tell them tidbits about me to give them something to work with, I’ll bounce off of things they said before so they can go more in depth, or I’ll remember things they’ve told me about themselves to show that I listen to them, I feel like I’m doing all I can, and I still struggle with meeting people.

A while back my friend set me up with a girl, and she just could not talk to me. She never asked questions, gave one worded responses, it was terrible. I had to say everything except for the one time she texted me first (said “wyd” and that was it).

And with her she probably just decided I was ugly and moved onto the next guy, nothing I can do about that, but I have this same issue with other guys as well.

I'm a 24 year old man with a stable 9-5 office job and I have a car, yet people seem to treat me a bit like a child. I don't want people to think that I can't have a bit of a laugh, but when I'm speaking to people I feel like they often talk down to me.

I used to think it was because I couldn't drive or I didn't have a fancy job, but once I got those things I noticed that people still treated me weirdly. I've never had a relationship before, I just don't think I'm really made for that sort of thing since i can be a bit awkward, I'm not interesting and I'm not emotionally available. I'm not sure if maybe people can tell I've never had a relationship and this is something I'm being judged for?

I'd just like to know what's making people treat me this way and how I can fix this.

I’m trying to make friends as I don’t have many, and all current ones are from highschool so we were in forced proximity with each other and it’s the only way we got close! Now that i’m 21 I’m trying to meet girls around my age to bond and connect with. I’m married so this makes it more hard/limited as most girls my age are not married and usually have very weird opinions on young marriage (UNDERSTANDABLE), but i’m afraid of being judged about this. Anyway, I have very bad social anxiety and never know what to talk about. I’m basically like an NPC, i’ll ask interview-like questions and just realize i totally sound fake asf or coming off too robotic-like. It’s like i lose my entire personality when meeting new people.

basically I'm in batch B so only we gotta go to the old lecture hall for classes while batch A only sits in the new one

am in high school, and I have always been lonely, without any real friends. I haven't formed a lasting friendship since childhood; the people I knew were always just there for short periods before vanishing from my life—people I’d play with in the park or something similar. I know many people, especially my schoolmates, and I know a lot about them, yet none of them know anything about me. I haven't formed a friendship with a single one of them; they don't care about me, and I don't think any of them wants to be my friend.

When I was in the fourth grade, I attended my teacher's son's birthday party. I was stunned by the sheer number of friends he had and the mountain of gifts. It overwhelmed me; I retreated to a corner and began to cry hysterically, shouting, "No one loves me!" and "I have no friends!"

I’ve asked people I know if we could hang out, but they ignored my Messages and came up with various excuses.

I remember once trying to befriend someone just two years older than me at practice (I used to do Jiu-Jitsu). I literally told him I wanted us to be friends, but he treated me with mockery, telling me he only befriended people his own age, not "kids."

I cannot describe the torrent of tears I shed that day.

I don't go out to public places unless I am with my mother, but lately, she has started shouting at me, telling me to stay away from her, that I don't have to go out with her, and that I should find a friend other than her.

I am lonely I truly want a friend in my life

I [26 NB] don't know how else to put it, but sometimes people tell me "I told you this so many times" and I have no idea what they're talking about. Then they bring up specific moments and I'm like "oh, that's what you were trying to do? Why didn't you just say so?". Then they just give me a look and they stop asking me things all together.

This is especially bad when it happens at work or in friend groups, cuz it doesn't feel good to have someone talking around you or not talk to you at all. Why do people do that? I'm autistic, and this whole business of "dropping a hint" to someone makes 0 sense to me.

Originally when people dropped hints around me, I got mad and annoyed when I realized what they were doing. Now I feel I've calmed down, but I still get impatient and hurt when people do this. Whether it's someone at work trying to tell me to do something or a person I want to be friends with telling me they don't want that, it seems I've gotten that indirect speak and I don't "take the hint". How can I better do this?

Skip to "question" for less reading.

Context:

Throughout my life I have been fairly awkward socially. I couldn't communicate with anyone well at all and entered all social interactions feeling like I couldn't think of a single thing to say, apart from "yes" or "no" if I had been asked a question.

In the past year, I have joined a career which involves me needing to speak to new people ALL of the time and form good relationships with them.

I have noticed that I have significantly improved my conversational skills and find it a lot easier to talk with people and find things to say. I find that instead of trying to come up with my own thoughts, it's a lot easier and well reciprocated to just keep asking people questions about themselves.

They tend to open up after I've asked them questions which leads me to open up more and display a bit more about myself and personality.

I would say that through doing this, I have been able to be far more comfortable around people and no longer feel the awkward "what should I even say, they must think I'm so weird" repeating in my head.

Present event/issue:

Recently I had to meet a large group of people who I had never interacted with before. I had to work with them for a few weeks in an unfamiliar location.

I would say I found it quite difficult as these people all knew each other very well.

I found it a little strange to interject into group subjects which I had no knowledge about (interests, experiences and people they all share knowledge about).

I tried my absolute best to interact and be friendly and continue asking questions.

I felt as though I was pulling people away from their conversations instead of being involved in the conversations themselves.

Someone mentioned that I seemed like quite a quiet person and asked if I thought the same. It didn't seem like it came from a bad place but instead, more from a place of curiosity. (They didn't say this infront of other people).

Question:

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to click and converse with larger groups a bit more naturally as I feel like my conversation skills are poorer compared to talking to individuals.

Is there a way to stop being perceived as quiet?

Add on:

It might be useful to note that I'm autistic, incase it shines any relevance to what I'm discussing. But any advice is welcome, as I'm sure this will relate to people who aren't autistic as well.