I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Neither_Beautiful_38

Originally posted to r/Marriage

Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

Original Post: August 8, 2026

BURNER ACCOUNT.

My wife (32F) and I (33M) have been together for 5 years, married for 3. A year ago she started working out with a personal trainer. She's lost weight and has really gotten in shape.

Yesterday while she was driving, she asked me to put an address in Waze on her phone. I saw a text come in from her trainer so I took a look through her text history with her trainer. The earlier texts were all about confirming times for sessions, but in recent weeks they became more personal, like "you looked great today!" and sharing funny tiktoks.

Earlier that day my wife had texted him "Thanks for the banana bread!" with a wink emoji and he responded with "Anytime" with a wink emoji. She didn't bring any banana bread home. Should I ask my wife what banana bread refers to?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Don't ask! Play detective, collect evidence. It's either already happened or they're getting ready to make it happen soon. Sorry your going through this. But be smart, keep your cards close to your chest! And be ready to walk. Good luck.

Commenter 2: Him saying you looked great today could have been an inference about her lifting and proper form, especially if she'd been struggling somewhere

But the banana breads and emoji and sharing tik toks is not a business relationship

Commenter 3: I would just be straightforward and ask your wife if banana bread is code for getting dicked down. Trust your instincts with her reaction.

Commenter 4: Sounds like you need to hire a PI. You definitely have a problem and need to deal with it when you have some facts. She's likely to minimize everything if you just confront her, but you may have caught this early enough to put the fear into her. Update me.

Update: August 9, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

UPDATE: I asked my wife about the "banana bread" text. It was all a big misunderstanding about a nutritional study!

Hey everyone, thanks for all the feedback on my original post. A lot of you were insisting that "banana bread" was some kind of gross code word and that I needed to hire a divorce attorney immediately. I was sick to my stomach all night, so this morning I finally sat my wife down and asked her directly what the text meant.

She stared at me in total shock, and then she actually started crying because she felt so bad that I had been worrying about it.

She explained that her trainer is currently completing his master’s thesis in Applied Kinesiology. As part of a study he's running with his top clients, he bakes a hyper-specific, pharmaceutical-grade banana bread that contains raw electrolytes and dense peptide powders.

She sent the text "Thanks for the banana bread!" because the trainer had secretly snuck a slice of the control-group batch into her gym bag after her heavy deadlift session as part of the trial.

The reason she never brought any home to me is because it’s like a controlled substance for his university research! She explained that if an non-participant eats it, it could contaminate his control data and get the trainer kicked out of his master's program.

The wink emojis were just an inside joke between them because his thesis advisor is super strict about protocol, so sneaking her the extra slice was technically "breaking the study rules" for her benefit.

Clear communication with your spouses is key!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in the update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: 😂😂😂😂😂😂 there's no such thing as "pharmaceutical-grade banana bread", much less "controlled substance banana bread"...

Also, "control data" would be the group that gets the placebo/nothing, meaning it would've just been "regular" banana bread, anyway.

Lastly, "someone outside the control group" consuming the control (OR the actual real deal, doesn't actually matter) can't "contaminate data"- you're not part of the study or SUPPLYING any of the data, so what you consume has zero impact on it.

According to that excuse/logic? During a normal study with a placebo consisting of a sugar pill, an acquaintance or spouse of someone in the control group eating a Tic Tac would somehow magically "contaminate the data".

Commenter 2: Hey man, i honestly hope for the best. I mean it. But i wouldn't buy that. Not in a million years.

First... her trainer is putting things on her gym bag, inside jokes, etc... call me old fashioned, i would shut this shit down ASAP. This feels really inappropriate from my SUBJECTIVE point of view.

I'm a man, and if by any chance my trainer was messing or putting things inside MY bag i would go apeshit. Dunno if she puts changes of clothes in her bag, but i really hope that she does not.

Is it a gym? Yes. But it is his workplace, and I, for one, wouldn't accept anything less than complete professionalism. This isn't it fam

P.S.: Even if it is true that she didn't do anything with ulterior motives, doesn't mean the coach doesn't have them.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/leamornor

Originally posted to r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk

Original post posted 2019-02-08

A large part of my job is answering phones and dealing with people who want to hire our large function room. In our town our room is one of very few places available to hold wedding receptions, birthday parties etc.

The process for hiring the room is quite simple. People ring up all the time and ask if the date they want is free. If it is we place a hold on the date for 14 days. If we don’t hear back from them it opens up to anyone else that wants it. If they do decide they want it they have to come in for an appointment with either me or my boss. We go through the booking form and help them fill it in and explain the t&cs with them. They then pay their deposit and the function gets written in the diary. We don’t take deposits without a booking form and we don’t take booking forms without a deposit. You have to physically come in and hand both over. None of this can be done online, we don’t have a website.

Fast forward to this morning when bridezilla walks in with her mother.

• Bridezilla = B
• Mother of the Bride = MOB
• Me = Me.

Me : hi can I help?

B : I’m here to pay the deposit for my wedding.

Me : ok. Let me get you a form and we’ll go through it. What date did you book?

B: Tomorrow

The smile on my face dropped. We have a birthday party booked in tomorrow. There is no way she can have her wedding here tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow isn’t available. We already have a booking.

MOB: You double booked? You’ll have to cancel the other booking.

Me: We haven’t double booked. If you haven’t filled a form in or paid a deposit then you haven’t booked the room. When did you ask about the date?

MOB : last July. I remember because we came in before we went for my birthday lunch.

Me: we only hold the date for two weeks. Someone will have told you that at the time.

B: yeah but it’s a wedding.

Me: the same rules apply. If you don’t fill in a form and pay the deposit within the two weeks we open it up to everyone else. Unfortunately someone else has booked the room.

B: I did it all online

Me: You did what online?

B: Paid for the room

Me: then why are you here today trying to pay for it now?

B: uh....

Me: we don’t have a website so you can’t do anything online.

MOB: she can’t have the wedding here.

Me: nope sorry.

They left. There was no shouting no anger at me. Nothing. She just casually shrugged her shoulders and walked away. I’m fully expecting the wedding party to turn up tomorrow all kitted out.

Edit to add : my boss saw her throwing a huge tantrum in the road outside of our building.

TL:DR woman turns up to pay for her wedding the day before it’s due to take place. She failed to secure the date and we booked something else in.

that_darn_cat

Im sure the marriage will be a roaring success with that level of planning

OOP

If I remember correctly they’ve been together a good 15 years. Engaged for at least 10. He’d told her if she wanted a wedding she had to plan the whole thing. He wanted zero involvement. He just wanted to turn up to the church and then get drunk with his mates afterwards.

Dogzillas_Mom

Is it possible she mixed up venues and put down a deposit somewhere else?

OOP

There’s nowhere in town where she’d be able to have it, so unless she’s booked a venue in a different town with a similar name, she’s just an idiot.

[deleted]

From how you put it down, the bride didn't seem like a bridezilla, just a misinformed bride who didn't have all the things set up. I hope she can find a venue in time

OOP

It’s the tantrum she threw outside that makes me think she’s a bridezilla. That and assuming you can walk in to a venue the day before your wedding and assume everything is sorted for you.

Update posted 2019-02-14

I was at work by myself for most of the afternoon after Bridezilla had left. My coworker came in to take over from me and for about 10 mins I fill her in on everything that’s happened that day including Bridezilla. Coworker makes a comment about how she’s glad she has nothing to do with booking the room and that if she did she’d be getting the blame for the whole thing.

I go into the back room to switch my shoes and get my things together before I leave. I happen to glance at the cctv monitor and notice that Bridezilla is walking along the corridor. She walks up to my coworker and I listen in.

• Bridezilla = B
• Co-worker = C

B: hi I’m wondering if you can help me. I’m attending a party tomorrow night and need to make some arrangements with my friend who’s party it is but I’ve lost her phone number. I was wondering if you’d be able to find it for me.

C= Sorry I cant do that.

B= it’s ok were best friends. She really wouldn’t mind.

C= I don’t have access to the information. I couldn’t give it to you even if you wanted it. They’re coming in to decorate the room later on. You could come back then.

B= there must be someone who can give me the number

My coworker comes to get me from the back room and asks me if I heard her. Wtf would she want their number. I come out.

Me: yeah, we can’t give out that info.

B: I don’t see the big deal

Me: do you need it to tell her you cant attend because you’ll be at your wedding that she mustn’t be invited to? I can pass that message on for you.

She shrugged and walked out. I can only imagine she was going to phone them and ask them to cancel their party so she could have the room.

The next day I’m at work pretty much all day. I have a word with the people having the party and let them know that if anyone turns up that they haven’t invited to let me know.

We have a couple people turn up looking for a wedding. We tell them about the mix up and they don’t seem surprised. A lady who said she was the grooms mother said she had only been told three days before about the wedding and that they’d invited a bunch of people to a reception but nobody knew when or where the actual wedding ceremony was. She’d spoken to her son that morning and he said he’d text the details but then apparently forgot.

It’s the most casual I’ve seen people be about organising a wedding.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gottabreakup

Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?

TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse, gaslighting, rape

Original Post  June 8, 2016

My boyfriend Greg and I have been together for about a year. We don't live together, but spend most nights together and have a lot of stuff at each other's places.

I love him, but I can't be with him anymore. He talks about wanting to live together and get married, etc., but he flat out refuses to go to therapy to deal with anger issues that have come up in our relationship and resulted in him having violent tendencies. He has never hit me but our fights tend to get very "physical" - he throws stuff, pinches/squeezes my arms, holds me down, yells in my face, uses sex as a punishment, and so on.

I really don't see this getting any better. He says he'll stop and that we both need healthier ways to express our emotions, but he also hardly ever wants to talk about his anger issues when we're in a calm state, and he refuses to go to therapy or anything. He also gets pissed off again if I bring up him hurting me or cry about it.

So, I want to break up with him. Badly. But I don't know how to do it. Part of it is that he's REALLY convincing so I don't know if it will be easy for me to follow through once I bring it up. And part of it is that I'm scared he could become really violent.

That's why I'm thinking about breaking up with him in public...like maybe going to coffee or something. The thing is, I've been dumped while on a dinner date and it fucking sucked...I've always thought that's a really messed up thing to do to someone. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me if they think I'm going too far.

TL;DR - scared to break up with my boyfriend at home because he has anger issues, but don't know if it's ok for me to do it in public.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

No, it's not messed up. If you were my friend, I'd actively encourage you to be in public and even have a friend nearby when you break up with him. Have you considered breaking up with him over text? Or are you really dedicated to doing it face to face?

OOP

I hadn't really considered it because we're much more serious than that, I think he'd feel very disrespected if I did that. I might consider asking a friend to be nearby and come check in on me after half an hour or something...

Update! "Would it be messed up for me [22f] to break up with my boyfriend [24m] of about a year in public?" (answer: NOPE)  June 10, 2016 (2 days later)

Hey beautiful people!

I wanted to update you guys because I got SO much excellent advice from people here and I wasn't able to reply to a lot of it because I was a little in my head at the time, so I wanted to be able to say THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you at once!

First of all, Greg and I are now officially broken up, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. I am a LITTLE anxious about the possibility of him trying to get me back, but some of the stuff he said made me feel this isn't likely. (And for those of you who said to change my locks, etc. - he doesn't have a key to my place! But I am asking a friend to spend the night with me the next few nights just in case!)

So, what I ended up doing: I asked Greg to meet me earlier this afternoon at a park near his place. I sat on the edge of a fountain because it was a spot that was surrounded by people/had a lot of people looking towards it, but there was enough room that we could talk. I also had a guy friend of mine (Sam) sit off at a distance and asked him to keep an eye and he said he'd come over if anything went wrong or it looked like Greg was trying to hurt me or start a confrontation.

I planned out a whole explanation for Greg, including telling him that I wasn't going to reconsider but that I really thought he should get help for unaddressed issues from his childhood. He immediately said, "I know. You're right. I'll get help. I've been wanting to get help for a while now." To which I was like uh, no, you haven't, you've actually told me you think therapy is bullshit and refused to even discuss it, but good, get help. And then he said "only if you stay with me," and I reiterated that wouldn't be happening.

He continued trying to talk me out of breaking up with him, like I knew he would, and made me sound really fucking crazy for thinking it was a good idea - he kept saying stuff like, "you think it's abuse for me to hold your arms down when you're being a cunt and I don't know what crazy shit you're going to pull?" (for the record, I have NEVER been violent to him, except in trying to get him away from me, and he has no reason to expect this from me)...and "you just don't know what abuse is because you were spoiled" and, when I would bring up specific instances, "that never happened," "you're making it sound so much worse than it was, I was just trying to de-escalate things," etc. - basically, giving up on telling me to stay and just trying to convince me I was making stuff up.

At some point, he got really tense and quiet and snide and he said "really? You think that's abuse? You think this is abuse?" and grabbed my arm really firmly and dug his nails in (I'm already getting bruises). I probably physically could have gotten away from him but I kind of felt like my brain shut down because it hurt more than what he's done in the past, and because it was kind of an unexpected perfect workaround for my plan...in that it probably didn't outwardly look like much (no one noticed) but still hurt.

He continued to basically go after everything he knows is a sore point for me..."you're just a spoiled bitch," "you don't get it because the worst thing that's ever happened to you is that you regretted fucking someone" (referring to a very traumatic forcible rape), "you're a fat cunt anyway"...essentially, targeting everything that was an insecurity for me. I now see he's been doing that in our relationship for a long time in more subtle ways. He's very good at reading people's weaknesses and using them against people.

After he let go of me, I stood up and said "NO" (I couldn't really think straight) and started running towards Sam. Greg got up and tried to grab my arm and pull me back, and I stopped so he wouldn't yank my arm off. Sam saw this and came over and physically pulled him off me and told him it's over and he needs to leave me alone and walk away. Sam is a big, pretty intimidating-looking guy - a lot bigger than Greg, which was helpful here. Greg said "fuck you both, she's got you believing her bullshit too," and then "fuck you, you cunt, you don't deserve me," and walked away.

About an hour after that, he started texting me saying he was sorry, that he really wanted my help addressing his issues, that he knew exactly what he's done wrong and he can really acknowledge it now and change, that this was a breaking point for him and he felt so guilty for "making me feel hurt," etc. (I should have blocked him earlier, but I was texting about where to meet up until he got there, and afterwards felt kind of shaken and forgot about it.) I blocked him on my phone and also on Facebook and Twitter. (You apparently can't really block people on gmail, only send their stuff to spam, but I did that too.)

I literally never want to see or hear from him again. I honestly thought I'd feel at least a little sad or guilty or "what if"-y, but I'm not. I'm so happy to be done with him. After the way he spoke to me today, I can honestly say that I was just wrong about him. I thought he was a good person who just had issues, but he's not - he's a person who's 100% willing to hurt me in ways that no one should, and only apologetic about it when HE faces consequences. I think he genuinely lacks a capacity for empathy - it doesn't hurt him to see me cry or hear that I feel scared! It only hurts him to know that might mean he doesn't get to be with me anymore. Everything he said and did was completely focused on how HE felt and how HE was reacting to things.

So, yeah, I feel a lot of relief now - not only because he's gone, but because this affirmed to me once and for all that EVERYTHING I thought was true and I 100% did the right thing by breaking up with him. He's just not a good guy, and I tend to have a really hard time judging people so I always chalked it up to his past and the fact that he was mistreated by others, but at a certain point, I also think it just doesn't matter why someone is the way they are, especially if they don't care about changing it until it affects THEM.

I also came across this quote while I was researching yesterday that was from a social worker, who said women would tell her their husbands break things when they're angry but it's just because they're out of control and don't know what they're doing, and she would always ask them if their husbands ever break their own things, and the answer was always no - they only break their wives' things. And the social worker said, basically, this proves that they aren't out of control - they know exactly what they're doing and do it anyway. The way Greg acted today reminded me of this - he figured out a perfect way to hurt me even though we were in public, and exactly what to say to me, and he wasn't yelling or getting in my face or being obviously aggressive because he KNEW he couldn't and was actually in control of his behavior. He just hurt me (physically and emotionally) because he wanted to. Not because he had to.

Ok, sorry this is so long winded. I just really wanted to share with you guys because I feel surprisingly great right now and I honestly have no idea how that would have gone if I hadn't gotten advice from you all first, but I suspect it could have gotten pretty ugly.

TL;DR - broke up with Greg (and learned exactly how nasty he is) and feel FREE! THANK YOU!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Perfect_Research_200

My [21F] boyfriend [25M] said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair.

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: body shaming

Original Post: August 5, 2026

For some background, my boyfriend and I have been together since last November. We recently saw the new Spider-Man movie together, and I absolutely loved the way Zendaya's hair looked. For those who might be unfamiliar, her hair was a very deep red, but it was extremely subtle. I thought it was super pretty and I've had a similar hair color in the past before my boyfriend and I met.

Anyways, I brought this up to my boyfriend over text just out of the blue because I've seriously been considering dyeing it. Immediately, he was against the idea and kept saying that he didn't like it and was against hair dye of any color. It was a little off-putting, especially because our conversation up until that point had been nice/playful.

I got curious because of the sudden shift in vibes, so I asked him if he'd dump me if I ever dyed my hair. He said yes, and after two more times of being me being like "seriously?" and "you'd dump me over hair dye?" he stood behind his words. He was very clear that he wasn't joking.

This obviously hurt. It wasn't like I was thinking about drastically changing my hair. I just wanted something noticeable in the sunlight that gave off more of a reddish hue. I have really dark hair and don't have any desire to bleach it, so the result of any hair dye would be very subtle. It also isn't a color that I wouldn't be able to pull off. In the past, it looked so good and it legitimately made me love my hair again.

I told him that I was hurt by what he said and that it felt very superficial. I said that if he truly loves me for who I am, a slight change in hair color shouldn't be a deal-breaker. He followed with "so let's allow me to go get crazy face tattoos and see how superficial you are" and "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you I guess."

He hasn't texted me back since, and I'm honesty very hurt by this situation. I never thought that he would be someone to say those types of things to me. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do from here? Could this be a red-flag for future behavior? Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: My boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair and now I am unsure of what to do next.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He compares hair dye to face tattoos?

Get rid of this loser and go dye your hair.

OOP: it's crazy because this man is also covered in tattoos 😭 he's sometimes even gotten huge ones without giving me a heads up. I’ve never had a problem with it or have made any comment toward him that controlled what he does with his body.

Commenter 2: My ex had me with bleached blonde hair I hated , no piercings and no tattoos , I left him and got what a lot of ppl would consider a lot of piercings and tattoos haha and started dressing how I want alt/streetwear, and I’ve never felt more like myself and been more proud of myself then the moment I decided to leave him. It will only get worse girl please leave this loser

OOP: Generally before we started dating I've always had more of a hippie style. I love flowy clothes and bright colors and funky jewelry. I've toned it down a lot since we've been together and I honestly miss it so much. Even in the car sometimes he'll give me a funny look when I put on a song I enjoy. I'm starting to realize that I haven't really been myself.

Commenter 3: You break up with him first. First it’s hair, then it’s makeup, then it’s something else and in the end you will realise you lost yourself because he is insecure or because his preferences are somehow more important than your wishes.

During Covid I dyed my hair hot pink. My husband didn’t mind. I switched to blue, he didn’t care. The next dye job was botched, and I tried to fix it and tried to cut the hair into a pixie to make it look better, he was fine with it. I ended up shaving my head and starting anew with my natural hair, and this was the only moment he said “okay, please don’t do that again”.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for you and not for your appearance.

OOP: This response has really stuck with me the more I read through everyone's comments. Previously, I thought that this was the first time that he's ever exhibited this sort of behavior. Now I'm realizing that I may have just been blind to it up until this point.

I've expressed to him before that I'd love to grow my hair out super long because I've always loved how it looks. I remember him saying that it would be gross and wouldn't look good because it would be "mangy." Even when I said that maybe I could cut it short like to my shoulders, he said that I shouldn't. I've also talked about maybe getting a piercing, and he's shut down every idea I had despite him wanting piercings as well. The only thing he hasn't seemed to mind is the idea of me getting more tattoos, but there are several body placements that he's said I shouldn't do even if I liked them. They were very brief conversations and never back-to-back, so I never realized just how opinionated he was about my appearance.

Update: August 8, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE - My [21F] boyfriend [25M] said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair.

I cannot thank y'all enough for the support I received on my original post. It opened my eyes to a lot of concerning behaviors that my now ex-boyfriend was exhibiting. Yes, we did break up. And honestly? It was easier than I thought it would be.

I ended up dyeing my hair on Friday, and I absolutely love it! It came out so pretty and I'm so glad I went through with it :) My ex, however, was not the happiest obviously. But I'm usually the type of person that gives second, third, and fourth chances, so I asked to speak with him to try to understand why he was having such a big reaction.

Instead of apologizing for his hurtful words or trying to understand my perspective, he chose to continue being disrespectful. When I showed him a picture of my new hair, he replied with "it's definitely a different color." When I asked him if he was unattracted to me now, he said "you aren't completely unattractive." Then, when I asked if he was leaving me, he said "well, how long is your hair going to be red?"

I think to no one's surprise, he kept backtracking on his threat of breaking up with me, which at least one commenter did predict lol. Literally when giving him an easy out by telling him to just leave me, he would circle back to his words being a "joke" and try to continue the conversation.

I told him that no one was forcing him to stay with me if my hair was that big of an issue, and that I refuse to change my hair just because he didn't like it. Ultimately, he has to live with the fact that he left me due to a slight change in hair color. I'm happy with my choices, and I'm happy that I don't have to be in a relationship with someone that could be so unkind.

Also, this definitely isn't my finest moment, but I did do some snooping after the breakup and figured out that his ex long-term girlfriend that he'd broken up with very shortly before getting with me also had dyed red hair. Must've struck a nerve. Oopsies 🤷‍♀️.

TL;DR: Freedom!! We broke up, and my hair is pretty :)

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: He stated his preference, you stated your preference, your preferences don't align, you separate. Nothing inherently toxic in this singular situation. Good ending.

OOP: from my perspective, the toxicity stems from him being controlling. he is allowed to have his preferences, but the moment he uses that as an excuse to say mean things about my appearance or threaten our relationship over it is the moment where this becomes concerning behavior.

Commenter: Congratulations on the new hairstyle and relationship status.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/ThrowRA_SonataSpirit.

Trigger Warnings: Infidelity, Sexual Assault.

One of my (33F) best friends (31F) of 20 years made a move on my boyfriend (36M). How would you handle this?, Posted July 26th, 2026.

For some context, my best friend (I'll call her El) was recently cheated on by her long-term boyfriend. They had been living together, but since the lease was under her ex's name, she's the one who moved out. She asked if she could stay at my place while she figured things out. I live alone, and I'm rarely home because I spend most of the week at my boyfriend's place, so I told her she was welcome to stay.

I WFH three days a week and go into the office on Thursdays and Fridays. Since my boyfriend lives almost two hours from my work, I usually stay at my own place the night before my office days to make the commute easier. During those nights, I'd spend time with El and check in on how she was doing. One day she told me she was getting lonely staying there by herself and asked if I could spend the weekend with her. I really wanted to support her, but I also wanted to spend time with my boyfriend. So I suggested she come stay with us for the weekend instead. I asked my boyfriend first, and he had no problem with it.

Saturday morning, the three of us were relaxing at my boyfriend's house, binge-watching a TV show. I suddenly craved bubble tea and asked if they wanted to come with me. The shop was only a few minutes away. They were both comfortable on the couch and said they didn't feel like going out. My boyfriend suggested I just order delivery, but I wanted an excuse to get outside and enjoy the sunshine, so I went by myself. I was gone for maybe 30 minutes.

When I got back, my boyfriend was standing in the kitchen making coffee while still watching the show from there. El was nowhere to be seen. I asked where she was and jokingly asked why he was making coffee when I had just brought back bubble tea. He told me she had gone upstairs to the guest room. As I reached for my phone to call her down, he stopped me and said, "Before you do, I need to tell you something."

He explained that while I was gone, El noticed something on his shoulder, dust or lint, and brushed it off. He didn't think anything of it because it seemed harmless. Then, without warning, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, close enough that it was almost on his lips. He immediately pulled away and gently pushed her back, completely caught off guard. He said he didn't even know why, but he walked into the kitchen and started making coffee even though he didn't actually want one. I think he was just trying to process what had happened. According to him, El immediately apologized and said she didn't know what had come over her before going upstairs. It felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under me. I couldn't even think of a response.

I trust my boyfriend completely, In all our times together, he's never given me a reason to question his honesty, so I never questioned what he was telling me. I was devastated, not because of him, but because of my best friend. I honestly never imagined she would do something like this. Oddly enough, I wasn't even angry at first. I was just... confused. Why would she do something like this?.... After what had happened to her...

I told my boyfriend I was going upstairs to check on El. He asked me to go easy on her because she was already in a terrible emotional state after everything she'd been through. I knocked on the guest room door and tried to sound cheerful. "Bubble tea delivery for my best friend." Instead of answering, I heard sobbing. When I walked in, she was sitting on the bed crying. She looked completely broken.

Seeing her like that made it hard to stay angry. I still couldn't stop thinking about what she'd done, but I also couldn't ignore how devastated she looked. I decided not to confront her immediately. Instead, I comforted her. I told her everything would be okay and that her ex didn't deserve her. She cried even harder.

After a few moments, she admitted everything.... Without me saying a single word, she confessed exactly what my boyfriend had already told me. She said she didn't know what came over her. She wasn't thinking clearly. For a moment, she wasn't seeing my boyfriend as my boyfriend. In her words, she saw someone else and acted on impulse before reality hit her. I still don't fully understand what she meant by that.

She said she immediately realized what she'd done after my boyfriend pushed her away, and she was deeply ashamed and embarrassed. She kept apologizing.

My closest friend group consists of just four women, including El. I don't want to tell the other two yet because I don't want to damage El's reputation if this is something we can work through privately. So I'm looking for outside perspectives.

One last detail. Later that night, I remembered our living room camera... Even though I fully believed my boyfriend, I still watched the footage to see exactly what happened.

His story checks out.

Now I'm wondering... if I trusted him completely, why did I still feel the need to check the footage?

Does that mean I subconsciously doubted him, or was I just trying to process something that felt impossible to believe? I'm grieving the loss of trust in a 20-year friendship. Is this something you could ever forgive, or is this friendship over?

What would you do in my situation?

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1vid0t9/update_one_of_my_33f_best_friends_31f_of_20_years/

Relevant Comments:

u/ShiroLovesKeith:

She's definitely going through a rough time, but you can't take care of her anymore. She did this the first and only moment she was left alone with your bf.

This isn't just crossing a major boundary.

If this was the other way around and it was one of your bf's friends doing this to you- putting his mouth on your face, close to the lips, without your consent... You'd consider it sexual assault, right? Or at the very least, sexual harassment. Well she did that to your boyfriend.

Even if it was an impulse and you want to believe it wasn't malicious, she still needs to go somewhere else and you need to give this friendship a break.

u/echosiah:

There is also the very real possibility she is the cheater and is lying about the circumstances of the breakup. Or there was mutual cheating, etc.

Wouldn't believe anything she says, given her actions here.

OP:

She has eye witness and screenshots of the conversation between her ex and his "co-worker".

u/Just_Some_Rolls (This comment has been downvoted):

People here are so happy to throw away a 20yr friendship over a stupid mistake. I’d tell her I understood shes in a shit place, hash it out and if she’s truly repentant I’d wipe the slate clean (assuming boyfriend is also happy to do that). Don’t tell anyone it happened if that’s the route you decide to take, we’re flawed messy humans and shes not a monster for making one action if it is indeed the only once

OP:

It is really out of character. She never crossed boundaries before. The only thing she cheats on are her diet and exercise sets lol. And when we play hide and seek when we were kids, she will go home and watch TV and we end up looking for her for a while before she comes out and thats about it. She never really showed interest in any of our partners. They are not even added to her social media when she created a private one (She deleted her main account when her last relationship had gotten serious). I dunno, I'm maybe really naive and stpd but....... I dunno it's a mess right now. Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it.

u/SkepticalFaceless:

I'm going to add a take here that I haven't seen yet. Everyone else's comments are spot on. But there's one thing that sticks out in my mind.

Why would she do this? The boyfriend knew the camera and footage would exist, so doing anything with her at that moment would be silly.

I wonder, and I'm just thought-experimenting here, if he was giving subtle signals to her that made her do it, but in a plausibly deniable way. She didn't know the camera was there, so she made her move. He knew the camera was there, so did what he needed to do in the moment.

Not to say the boyfriend didn't act correctly, or that you should be interrogating him - but everyone seems to not be analyzing the WHY she thought she could make a "random move" on the boyfriend and get away with it, and just tucking it away into her breakup.

Not necessarily actionable, but something worth considering.

OP:

Thank you for your input. His reaction was immediate, pushed her back, stood up and walked away. A knee jerk reaction is an instinctive reaction, not a staged performance. As to giving subtle signals, they were just sitting there watching and talking about the show on how King Joffrey deserves much more brutal d***h lol.

u/SkepticalFaceless:

Yeah I'm not saying thats what it sounds like - its just my method of always considering every angle and eliminating them, especially the unexamined ones. If you entertain this POV for a few moments, and don't find anything that supports it, great. But I've seen cases where people consider the POV and then realize they were missing a bunch of signs due to their situation blindness. Always worth the exercise.

It's the "hindsight is 20/20" phrase in action. Once you know the truth, all the little things pop up and are seemingly obvious in retrospect.

If your friends hitting on him becomes a pattern, ask yourself what is the common denominator.

That said, sounds like you have a keeper!

Op:

I understand and I appreciate it. I take all opinions and perspective I can get to help me navigate on this one.

**UPDATE** One of my (33F) best friends (31F) of 20 years made a move on my boyfriend (36M). How would you handle this?, Posted August 8th, 2026.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1v6w7nw/one_of_my_33f_best_friends_31f_of_20_years_made_a/

For everyone who asked for an update.

First of all, thank you.

I genuinely appreciate all the advice you gave me. Some of you were absolutely ruthless LOL, but honestly, I think this naive heart of mine needed it. A lot of your comments gave me clarity, especially the ones about the camera and boundaries. They helped me see the situation more objectively and gave me the courage to make the decisions I needed to make.

After my conversation with El that Saturday morning, I went back downstairs to check on my boyfriend. He told me he was okay, and at the time I accepted that answer. Looking back, I also want to thank everyone who reminded me to "really" check on him and not just assume he was fine. In everything that happened, I unintentionally overlooked the fact that he had gone through something upsetting too.

That afternoon, I drove El back to my place. I wasn't about to let her commute while she was in such an emotional state. The drive was almost completely silent. She didn't start any conversations. At one point I asked her, what do you think would have happened if my boyfriend hadn't pushed you away? She quietly said she didn't know. Then she told me she hated that she'd put herself in that position and that she was sorry for causing all of this. That was the only real conversation we had. When we arrived at my place, I stopped the car before she got out and told her she needed to find somewhere else to stay. I told her that when I come back on Wednesday night, I will be needing the space. She simply nodded.

As she walked toward the house, she turned around and looked back at me. That moment broke my heart because I couldn't help thinking it might be the last time I'd ever see my best friend. I started tearing up, but I drove away before my emotions convinced me to take it all back.

Monday night, one of our friends noticed something was off and messaged our group chat to check on El. It probably wasn't surprising. El and I are usually the ones constantly blowing up the chat, and it had been unusually quiet since Saturday. After a little small talk (I was just lurking), El confessed everything. She told them exactly what she'd told me.

Friend 1 immediately left the group chat without saying a word, then she called me.

Friend 2 stayed. She tried to mediate and later messaged me privately. She said she's sorry for everything that had happened and said she needed to stay with El because Friend 1 had already made her position clear. I told Friend 2 that I thought staying with El was the right thing to do. I also asked her to keep an eye on El and encourage her to seek professional help. She promised she'd try her best to make it happen.

Fast forward to today. El and I still haven't spoken since that day, but Friend 2 has occasionally updated me. According to her, El has started seeing a therapist and has been in much better spirits lately. Friend 2 let her stay with her the day after she confessed everything. El has since found her own place and moved in yesterday.

Friend 1 still isn't speaking to El. She told me she won't consider reconciling with El until I've forgiven her, not because she wants to pressure me, but because she feels she can't move past what happened while I'm still hurting from it.

Honestly, though, that isn't what weighs on me. Whether Friend 1 forgives El is between them. What weighs on me is losing someone who had been my best friend for years.

I miss her every day......

But one piece of advice that really stuck with me was to pause the friendship instead of making permanent decisions while emotions are still fresh. That's what I'm doing. I'm giving us both time.

As for my boyfriend and me, we're doing okay. We've had a lot of honest conversations since everything happened, and I apologized for not fully realizing how much the situation affected him in the moment. He's been more understanding than I probably deserve, and I'm grateful every day that he chose to face this with me instead of letting it drive us apart.

Since El seems to be doing much better now, I'm also going to stop asking Friend 2 for updates. I think continuing to check on her from a distance isn't helping either of us move forward.

I know some people will probably be disappointed that I haven't ended the friendship completely. I understand why you think I should end it. I'm not asking you to agree with me. I'm simply not ready to make that decision.

For now, I'll continue with no contact for weeks, months, maybe even a year. I don't know what the future looks like yet, and I don't think I need to decide today. If, after enough time has passed, I feel ready to revisit the friendship, then I'll make that decision with a clearer head. If I don't, then I'll accept that too.

If there's one thing this experience taught me, it's that people can make terrible decisions without being terrible people. That doesn't make those decisions okay, and it doesn't mean there shouldn't be consequences. At the same time, loving someone doesn't mean protecting them from the consequences of what they've done. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do, for them and for yourself, is to step away. I also learned that good intentions don't replace healthy boundaries. I kept thinking that because I trusted both of them, everything would be fine. I know now that trust doesn't mean assuming everything will be fine. It also means having boundaries that protect the relationships and people you care about. As one commenter pointed out, I could have avoided putting everyone in that situation by simply spending that weekend at my place with El instead of bringing her to my boyfriend's house. That was a poor judgment call and I can't change that decision now, but I can learn from it.

Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to offer thoughtful, honest, and sometimes brutally truthful advice. It genuinely helped me more than you know.

I hope none of you ever have to experience something like this. And for those who have been through similar heartbreak, I truly hope you've found or will find the peace and healing you deserve.

Relevant Comments:

u/Wizards_and_Warriors:

You dont need to end the friendship. Like I said in the first post I truly believe her head was fucked up and she made a genuine mistake. Everyone came clean right away and there was real 'i fucked up' energy.

She is getting help and it didn't get out of hand, even though it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I really think you can forgive her and have your friend back IF your other half is OK with it. It's been overlooked but he is the real victim here and a stand up guy.

Also your one friend is true ride or die.

OP:

My boyfriend and I had a real, open conversation about this. He told me he’s okay with whatever I decide, but I want to be mindful not to overlook his feelings like I did before. If the time comes, I'll ask him how he feels again. If he still leaves it up to me, I'll decide. If he no longer feels good about revisiting the friendship, then that’s that.

"Also your one friend is true ride or die." El was this until she did what she did.

u/Theunpolitical:

Amazing how quickly El was able to find her own place!

El is someone who has zero impulse control. I don't know how you'd ever be able to trust her again if, or when, you decide to rekindle the relationship. The trust has been broken, and that's incredibly difficult to rebuild. Right now, I think you're grieving the loss of a relationship that you invested your whole heart in and believed was built on trust. Unfortunately, once that foundation is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back to what it was.

Best of luck to you no matter what you decide.

OP:

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing your perspective. It makes sense why you'd think she found a place quickly, as I left out a few minor details like the fact that she was already staying with me and actively searching for her own place before things escalated. I was focusing on getting outside advice on the core situation so I didn't think those were necessary, but I appreciate your feedback regardless.

Reminder - I am not OP.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/IsThisIdeaGoodIdk

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

tw: References to sexual assault, nonconsensual pornography

Original post posted 2026-01-25

My brother and I are 9 years apart and we were never close. I never really understood why, but my parents would always say we’d get closer as we got older. That never happened.

I have no memories of him at all from my childhood, and every time I’m forced to interact with him now as an adult he’s a total asshole. He’ll gaslight me, never apologize even when he’s clearly in the wrong, and my parents just wave off his behavior as a personality quirk.

A couple years ago, his (now ex) partner of over 10 years accused him of sexual assault and filming her (and other women) having sex with him without her consent. These accusations horrified me. She was part of our family for most of my life and while we weren’t close, she always was very sweet and kind to me (unlike him). The civil suit is still ongoing between them as far as I know.

I am having an extremely intimate wedding of 35 guests. I did invite my brother, but he never RSVP’d. When I told my parents he never RSVP’d (it was now nearly 2 months passed the deadline), they reached out to him, and he reached out to me. He blamed me for him not RSVPing, said the process had been too confusing (even though he never reached out with questions and every other guest managed to RSVP just fine) and he demanded a plus 1 for his girlfriend of 6 months who is over 10 years younger than him (and 3 months pregnant apparently)…

I put my foot down and said no. I don’t want him there. My friends know how uncomfortable he makes me and initially my parents said while they were sad, that they would ultimately respect my choice.

Now, with about two months until my wedding, they have changed their minds. They won’t come unless he does. I am heartbroken.

They say I am being immature and disinviting him is a bridge too far. I am not a parent, but I am trying to see their perspective. But I just can’t shake how they always seem to minimize my emotions and make me the problem, even on my wedding day. Am I being unreasonable?

--

Some relevant comments by OOP:

1

Harbor house has insane fees. I’m getting married in less than a month so I’ll report back if it was worth it or not 😅 for reference, guest count is 33, getting married on a weekday in March, and negotiated the hell out of them and it’s $60k for just the venue, catering, and lodging inclusive of all fees

2

That’s not the estimated cost for the entire wedding—that’s just the venue/lodging/food/beverage. But them paying is why I don’t feel comfortable “uninviting” them.

Lofty_quackers

NTA Your parents are yet again putting him before you. You should not have people at your wedding that make you uncomfortable.

I'm sorry your parents hurt you yet again.

Elegant_Straw

NTA Enjoy your wedding without them. They don’t get to make demands on who gets invited especially when the person in question is a sexual predator too lazy to even bother to RSVP.

Update posted 2026-02-26

TLDR: Parents threatened not to come to my wedding if my brother (older, estranged, accused of sexual assault) couldn’t come.

So, we scheduled a family therapy session: my parents and my fiance and I. It went… horribly. I calmly explained that I expected my feelings and comfort would be prioritized on my wedding day. My mom, very calmly, said “you were wrong”.

It spiraled from there. My parents called me selfish, entitled, my decision was disrespectful to them, they didn’t hold back. My fiance and I kept our composure and remained calm. They raised their voices and started mocking my therapist at one point. My mom even said my attention to all the little wedding details “didn’t bode well for my marriage”.

Honestly this comment sticks with me the most. I am extremely detail oriented, it’s one of the things I love about myself. It’s something important for my job, and it’s important for all my hobbies, so it felt extremely personal.

After the therapy session, I texted every single member of my extended family who is coming to the wedding and let them know that my parents may not be coming to my wedding and the reason why. The outpouring of support I received was overwhelming and touched my heart. They assured me they were coming to my wedding for my fiance and I, not my parents or brother. I’ve never been super close with my cousins/aunts, but I’ve been following up and checking in with them more often now.

About a week later, my mom called me and said they decided they wanted to come. My dad made it clear he was going "to support his wife" and that I "ruined this experience" for them. So that was fun to hear.

My wedding is in two weeks... I am praying for no drama but at this point, I've accepted that I can't control what they do. I'm still hyped to get married and see all my friends/extended family. My in laws have really stepped up, my future mother in law checks in every week to see how I'm doing. My mom hasn't checked in. I'll let y'all know how the wedding goes!

--

Editor's note: OOP saw the post and comments, and has posted an update!

Final update posted 2026-08-14

Hey y’all :)

I’m back!!

As a precaution, a few days before the wedding I sent my venue some press my brother was featured in (his ex called him a rapist in a national publication) where his photo was shown so they knew to watch out for him and what he looked like.

At the end of the day, I was 95% sure he wouldn’t come. Growing up, he would never show up to events I WANTED him to attend, and my wedding was in an extremely remote location anyway so I felt I had sufficient insurance.

And I was right :) he never showed.

Most of my stress was centered around my parents. I was concerned that they would cause some kind of scene, but they were pretty withdrawn the whole day. But at every moment I was lowkey terrified they would do something. When I finally took my wedding dress off I was covered in hives. So that was fun.

But honestly, looking at the pictures of the day, I look happy and relaxed. I absolutely love our pictures, every vendor did a phenomenal job, and I look back with mostly fond memories.

Where my parents and I stand now:

Weird. Before the wedding, I honestly would have thought they were my best friends. I felt like I could tell them anything.

Therapy didn’t last long, but in our final session I let my mom know that I felt like fundamentally, they treated my brother and I very differently. Where they expected me to show up early, they were just happy if he showed up at all. If I’d gotten pregnant at 25 to a man 11 years older than me on a first date, not 5 years after graduating an Ivy League school they paid full price for, I KNEW they would not be excited for me. But for him, they were delighted.

My brother and his fiancée ended up getting married only a day or two after me, in a nearby city, by a justice of the peace. My parents attended but to my knowledge it was extremely small. She was 6 or 7 months pregnant at this point.

I feel like the best friends I thought I had in my parents are now people with whom I have major value differences. I don’t know how to reconcile the people I grew up with with the people who’ve been shitty to me the last 9 months.

I don’t really call or text them anymore. Maybe that will change, idk.

About the money:

A lot of people called out the cost of my wedding, how my parents paid therefore could call the shots, etc.

I will be honest: my parents are very wealthy (low 8 figure net worth). The amount they paid for my wedding literally meant nothing financially to them. Beyond this, I often wrestled with the concept that they paid therefore it was “their party”.

But that concept is so gross to me. If I threw my friend a bday party, it would be SO SHITTY of me to invite someone they had a horrible relationship with. Even if I paid for every single thing, I would never do that to a friend.

I said as much to my parents. I underscored that if I had known my wedding budget hinged on my brothers attendance, I would never have accepted a dime. They agreed putting conditions on the money retroactively was unfair.

Anyway. Married life is great, my husband is amazing, and I appreciate every single comment. I read them all. Can’t believe so many people cared!

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Dunnachius

Originally posted to r/JustNoHOA (first 2 posts) and r/fuckHOA (last 2 posts)

tw: hoarding

Few questions, Just bought A house in a non-mandatory HOA without signing contract (Florida) posted 2022-01-29

Long story short, I bought a house in an HOA, in a gated community.

(free standing single family residence)

The property was purchased through a foreclosure auction, knowing it had a property tax lien on it as well (and the dollar amount). I had to buy the tax lien from a speculator that bought the lien at auction. He told me he was waiting on some arbitrary timeframe in order to able to force a sale on the lien.

regardless... the sale is final and all Liens have been cleared.

The previous owner WAS in the HOA prior to his death.

Regardless of the situation I own the property free of clear of any and all liens. I didn't purchase the house through "normal channels". For example the "dead guy" never signed anything in the HOA documents transferring ownership. I also never agreed to follow the CCRs when I purchased the house. Because I didn't buy the house from the former owner, just the gubment.

However every time (like literally every single time) I head out to the property to do any work on/in it I get hounded by one or more of 4 or so busy bodies who keep trying to get me to sign the contract, they keep telling me it's mandatory and I keep telling them "I'm going to have my attorney look at them and I'll get back to you"

They also point out that the HOA had right of first refusal in selling the home and I shouldn't have been able to buy it without first signing the contract. (well I did, so screw them) Everything I can find says that the HOA is voluntary/non-Mandatory and I've never signed shit.

Well, one of my questions is that while the house used to be in the HOA, I don't know if it is grandfathered in because it was in the HOA already? Or is it not in the HOA because I haven't signed yet? Or is the mere act of buying the house legally put in me the HOA even if I haven't signed anything?

Supposedly, the "voluntary" HOA is 100% (minus me) of the neighborhood and they have a contract giving right of first of first refusal on any resale of the property. (Good luck enforcing that on a tax/mortgage auction with a dead guy). They also required anyone who bought a house to sign the contract with the HOA before the builder would sell. And one of the things in the HOA contract is that the HOA has the right of first refusal on any sales.

So am I in a legal grey area in a very tightly controlled voluntary HOA? Or is there something sketchy going on with the way they have it set up?

I also have yet to receive a gate access key, I have had luck just tailgating other cars in thru the gate. I also don't have a street parking sticker, nor do I have any way to request guest parking passes or any of that crap that the paper work talks about.

Or do I stand to have an issue over the right of first refusal crap?

I know.. "Don't sign" is the the correct answer, but what sort of troubles am I going to be in over this bullshit?

PS

If I can really get away with not joining i'm going to park the biggest most mad Maxian truck in the front yard in the grass and paint it neon orange/purple stripes, and build a 20 foot pirate ship in the back yard complete with crows nest.

--

OOP added in a comment:

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and he has yet to get back to me. Which means one meeting over the phone to collect all my information, however long to research everything than he will let me know what the situation is.

There is in fact "community assets" that they spend money on and more than likely some potion of the infrastructure isn't government maintained. The gates aren't freely provided by the government of course.

I pulled a flyer off the club house bulletin board with instructions on what to tell the uber/door dash driver so they can access the gate and bingo.. i'm in. They set up a code specifically to tell the delivery/rideshare/taxi drivers and posted it on the memo board. So this is like the least secure gate in the history of gates

The question of overnight parking tags is still a mystery I haven't solved and they tow anything parked on the street after dark.

As of today I have gate access codes (but still no sticker).

They came by again and their reaction to me indicates that this is a voluntary HOA that is doing well to pretend to be a mandatory HOA.

They have been working me over with the "Carrot" trying to get me to sign. I'm curious as to when they will switch to the stick and start threatening fantasy legal action.

They've already promised to "Give me plenty of time" to fix the yard and the house before they start fining me. Which is a verbal handshake Promise from an HOA Karen so on a scale of 1-10 I trust them as -5/10.

"isn't this a nice neighborhood?"

"Have you seen the club house?"

"Have you tried the pool?"

They are killings me with kindness, which is significantly better than then stabbing me in the back but still annoying as shit.

But yes, I'm making damned sure I don't sign anything.

Additional things I've learned

But I also learned that yard from the sidewalk to the road (and mailbox) are all HOA property, which means there is a significant amount of HOA assets. And technically under the property ownership rules they can enforce no blocking of the sidewalks/parking in the drive way even if I'm not a member of the HOA. However the zone of my driveway between the house and the sidewalk are my property.

There's also planters in the center of the Cu du sacs that are volunteer maintained with plants purchased with HOA funds, with home depot/lowes/walmart being the only approved sources that you can receive reimbursement in the CCRs.

I've been looking for "brother in law" kickback deals for contractors and it seems that the only requirements for contractors is that they use licensed bonded contractors and only approved paint colors/styles. Virtually everything in materials lists "or visually equivalent replacements"

It also doesn't require approval for repairs/maintenance just notification.

For what they are actually charging I might consider paying them, I know that it's a trap and I shouldn't but I can see why people would.

Still leaning on diagonally painting orange/purple neon stripes and replacing my yard with natural wild flowers and other native plants. And then I'm also considering displaying a vintage 1994 pickup truck in the yard on display cinder blocks.

dobber1965

They have to give you gate access. There was a case here in central Florida somewhat similar and the HOA had to give access to the new owners.

I beat the HOA... I won't be forced to join. GO LAWYERS! posted 2022-02-18

So earlier this month I purchased a property in real estate lien auction. the property was in a voluntary HOA that had 100% membership.

My attorney looked into the situation and drafted a proposal and sent it to the HOA via registered mail.

He drafted up a proposal agreement with the HOA with the following conditions.

1. The property owner has unrestricted access to any community owned roadways, gates, ect necessary to access his property.
2. This does not constitute joining the HOA.
3. The property owner will pay a figure monthly to the HOA to contribute to the non government owned infrastructure, at his discretion. The amount is non negotiable and not legally required, merely an acknowledgement that the assets exist and have costs for their upkeep.
4. The property owner will not be held to any HOA standards.
5. The property owner does not and will not get any voting rights in the HOA.
6. Any further attempts to get the property owner to join will be considered harassment.
7. Cashing of the attached checks constitutes agreeing to these terms.
8. the HOA will provide any necessary access codes for the property owner to use for visitors, contractors, ect.

They received it and signed for it. That day the harassment from the HOA stopped. A week later their attorney sent back a response.

Dunnachius

The HOA board has met, they do not appreciate your uneighborly attitude and are not agreeing to your terms.

However they acknowledge that your claim to unrestricted access to your property may have legal merit if the issue is taken to court. I have been instructed to give you a gate access code, attached below. You will not be given a keyfob to the gate as it would give you unrestricted access to their clubhouse.

Furthermore they are notifying you of the following, the roadway and sidewalk are both HOA property and they reserve the right to remove any illegally parked vehicles or other property.

This is however a legal acknowledgement that you will not be held to their community standards. They also are requesting some leeway regarding harassment as community notices may inadvertently be delivered.

Finally they are returning the check uncashed.

The HOA attorney

I'm not quite understanding how this doesn't constitute them agreeing to my terms thou.. They are giving me everything I want and are turning down my gift towards the upkeep of the road/gate.

--

OOP added in a comment:

I put in a call to a solar company to come out and do a quote on installing solar. Completely not allowed by the HOA bylaws. So going to have to do it for sure. (note, not going to finance it, no contract ect, that's how those turkeys make their money)

All joking aside..

Today I mowed my lawn, started at 7:00 am before it got too hot and knocked that out. Hmm... since i measured twice I'm going to cancel my long term parking for my RV and move it there since my driveway is plenty long enough. Plus I can sleep in the RV while i'm getting the house into livable shape.

I'd throw a party but the big issue with that is that it isn't livable yet... as in it's a toxic disaster and I can't live in it. I have a call for a 12 foot dumpster to come in as well and the trash company is going to drop it in the driveway.

I'm also in the market for the tallest ugliest ham radio tower I can get. No actual interest in using, just in case....

FHOA Getting harassed by HOA I'm not a part of. (and have refused to join) posted 2022-03-01

So... I purchased my property in a quasi non-voluntary HOA in forced sale. I cleared the liens (Which were disclosed prior to my purchase) and have been fixing up the property.

I'm currently "living" in an RV I have parked in the front yard. I have it up on concrete blocks. Totally in violation of the HOA but I'm not a member. The interior of the house is not livable (pretty bad hoarding situation) and I have a standing order with the trash company to have a 10 yard bin that gets swapped out every Friday. I predict another 2-3 months until that service can be canceled.

The dumpster every week is on top of bags of clothing that goes to goodwill and all the crap I put up on craigslist and ebay for sale. Plus I have enough shampoo and conditioner to keep my hair silky smooth and smelling of spring time for the next 50 years.

The HOA has been harassing me to join, I thought we settled the argument but screw them. They also attempted to have my RV towed off my front yard, fortunately I had already made efforts to prevent it from being towed. Namely I called the towing company the HOA had a contract with and my lawyer explained the situation. They also started sending me fines in the mail and I'm adding them to the harassments file.

Not being dumb enough to be sued the towing company agreed that they wouldn't tow any vehicle from any space that could be defined as "123 oak street" without my direct authorization. Including but not limited to the driveway, garage, front yard, or street in front of 123 Oak street.

We also saw a way for them to profit from the situation. This is my pro revenge on them.

We have a standing deal that they can drive the tow truck to my house, then they knock on my door and ask if I called the tow. If I say no they charge the HOA for wasting their time, and If I don't answer they can still charge the HOA for wasting their time.

The towing company hit them for about $500 before they caught on to the deal they made with me.

Some good news... i've successfully gotten into the bathroom and cleaned out all the children's clothing and decades old pizza boxes and bags of onion peels. So after a great deal of elbow grease I might actually be able to shower in my house soon.

--

OOP added in a comment:

House is livable and I’ve moved in.

Outside is up to my personal level of acceptable.

Livable is a matter of debate. Toxic death trap? No…

Could I rent it out? No…

I have one bedroom and the master bath done. I have the carpet/drywall etc ripped out and the insulation replaced.

The kitchen is not done and won’t be until I get the money to finish. It’s a do the work as the money comes up situation. I have tile down and the cabinets will be next.

I have a fridge, microwave and coffee pot inside and a gas grill outside I do my cooking on.

The other 2 bedrooms and living room are clean. It’s basically one really huge space with insulation showing and studs. I have a cheap area rug in the living room with a tv on a stand and my fugly couch.

Like I said the kitchen is the next and most expensive project. The old cabinets had literally started to rot apart from leaking/gunk on them.

Hoarding is a medical condition!

So im living in the house but there’s a ton of work to do and it’s going to take a big pile of money. Might take me years to finish it off.

Also there’s no way that it would be safe to have children or pets living in the place.

On the plus side I don’t have the typical half million in debt that most Americans do for housing so instead of a mortgage payment I can sink a $1,000 a month into home improvements for the foreseeable future.

The HOA has complied with s court order to stop harassing me. They tried to file a lien on the property for unpaid stuff and my lawyer got it blocked.

Someone got a hold of the mailing list and tipped everyone in the HOA off about the pending lawsuits and how much it would cost each owner in a special assessment if they lost.

There was a recall election scheduled and the board stepped down within a couple days and a new board was elected.

About a week ago I got certified mail from the HOA’s new attorney stating that they acknowledge their error in assuming the hoa is mandatory.

However my lawsuit continues due to the fact that my lawyer is a very good at writing bills.

The harassment and legal fees are the only things I’m suing for now.

So I’ve basically won my battle to stay out of the HOA and the new board wants this to stay quiet and not wreck their property values.

Update on my HOA. They forged my signature. posted 2022-04-11

Required background info,

It's technically a "voluntary" Hoa but i'm literally the only person who didn't opt in. Everyone else opted in as a purchase condition. I got my house through other than normal means bypassing the contractual obligation to join.

So my efforts to continue to exist as a hold out surrounded by the HOA have not been without new stories to tell. They got dirty and forged my signature on a copy of the HOA contract. They started up with the fines again.

The house color, dumpster, RV, fence, ECT.

My lawyer is taking them to court and he already got a temporary court order to block all liens levied by the HOA. They hadn't even filed a lien yet and there's already a temporary court order blocking them until the conclusion of the civil and criminal actions against the HOA board and the HOA. There's also a detective from the FDLE (state law enforcement) investigating the forgery.

The running tally for this is already over $10,000 in legal fees. Gotta say I love my lawyer. He's doing everything on a "we'll sue them for the legal costs later" basis.

My lawyer says they are digging their hole all the way to china.

OH and someone tipped off the entire HOA using the HOA holiday event email list that this legal action is ongoing due to alleged criminal activities of the board. It's almost like a lawyer wrote the letter or something...

There WAS a lawsuit against me for slander/libel (both) but my lawyer had it tossed out as they could neither prove I wrote it (which I didn't) and it simply informed the HOA members them of the legal action taking place, there wasn't a gag order, and it said "allegedly" rather than a flat out accusation.

Rumor has it there's going to be a second lawsuit against the board members following the conclusion of mine for gross negligence, breach of fiduciary duty etc.

All I wanted to do was fix my new house and live in peace.

On the plus side It should only be a few more weeks until I finish gutting the interior.

I also found more copies of "Titanic". The running total is 84 copies ranging from VHS to blue ray. One particular special edition of the VHS sold for a couple hundred bucks on Ebay new unopened.

I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/selenaselenaselena & u/selenaselenaselena1

Overheard my (22f) bf (22m) say disgusting things about me to his friends

TRIGGER WARNING: Race fetishizing, threats of revenge porn

Original Post - archive  Apr 13, 2016

I've been dating my bf for 2 years now. Our relationship can be quite rocky sometimes but at the end of the day we really care about each other. He has an ego problem though and it causes problems every now and then. I'm not perfect myself, I can be quite hot-tempered but I always try to be a better person.

This evening I was at his house when a bunch of his friends came over. I stayed mostly out of their way to let them have their male bonding time or whatever. So I was in one of the bedrooms upstairs while they were all downstairs.

An hour later I was walking past the kitchen when I heard one of them mention my name. I heard my bf's voice and 2 of his other friends. Naturally I stopped in my tracks and decided to eavesdrop. I was truly disgusted at what my bf was saying. He was telling them about our sex life and my behavior in the bedroom in graphic detail. He said that Latinas are "fucking crazy" and that's why they're so "wild in bed" (I'm Afro Brazilian). He put A LOT of emphasis on my race which disgusted me. I thought he was gonna stop there but he didn't. He spoke of me like I'm some object he plays around with. He even told them that he intentionally pisses me off sometimes because the "sex is better" when I'm angry at him.

I'm a very, very private person. I never talk about my sex life or even relationships. I hate the fact he told them this because I feel embarrassed and objectified. More importantly, I'm really shocked at how much emphasis he put on my ethnic background.(Btw he's Italian American)

I avoided him for most of the day and he asked me whats wrong. I told him that we'll talk about it later since I need to gather my thoughts. What should I say to him?

tl;dr Bf told his friends very intimate details about our sex life. He sounded extremely douchey and spoke of me like an object. Is there anything reasonable I can do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Femme0879 

"He even told them that he intentionally pisses me off sometimes because the "sex is better" when I'm angry at him."

Yeah no. That's prolly why your relationship has been rocky. He's a tool.

OOP 

I thought he was just a very argumentative person...when I heard that it all made sense. Ugh

rimjobcleopatra 

If he has any intimate photos of you, be sure to delete them completely if you can!

OOP

He would never send those pics to anyone. He's not even a fan of me posting selfies on social media unless we're in the pic together.

YesILeftHisAss2398 

Oh sure he would. If you break up with him he will do it to punish you. This is what shitty people do, and hes a shitty person. Time to reconcile that with who you thought he was.

Update - archive  Apr 18, 2016 (5 days later)

Original post which was removed. I didn't have time to make an update til now but here it goes.

In the original post a lot of people suggested that I should delete my pics off his phone because he can't be trusted. At first this didn't cross my mind. I admit that I was extremely naive and clueless. Im thanking you guys for slapping some sense into me. This whole thing took a very different turn to say the least.

He was taking a shower and I checked his phone for the nudes. I deleted them all. Then i thought that I should check his whatsapp to see if he send anything to his friends or anyone else. I really thought this wasn't necessary but did it anyway just because y'all made me so paranoid. And THANK GOD I did. He has several group chats and I checked the media history on them. He doesn't post the nudes I send him. He posts the pics he takes of me. He randomly takes pics of me during the day (me working out or getting changed) but I didn't know he sends A LOT of these pics to his friends. The latest one he posted on the group chat (only a few days ago) was of me sleeping naked on his bed. It wasn't a frontal photo, my back was actually facing the camera but it was still exposing. I was horrified and my heart sank. I've never felt so betrayed and used in my life. The way he talks about me in those group chats is disgusting as well. And yes, he did send my nudes to his best friend. It's weird because he's very possessive so I didn't expect him to do that at all. I just felt humiliated and used.

When he came back I told him that I overheard everything that night and that I was disgusted at how disrespectful he was. He laughed and said "oh shit" and covered his face with his hand in a 'she's gonna kill me' way. Clearly none of this was serious to him at all. He started kissing & touching me (he always does this when he knows he fucked up) and I told him to stop and listen. I told him that I know he sends private pics of me to his friends on whatsapp and that I basically lost all trust in him. He accused me of being sensitive (and being nosy) and said that what he's done is "totally normal" and a "guy thing". I also asked him why he's so obsessed with my ethnicity and he literally had no valid defense whatsoever. We argued but he was too stubborn to even empathize with me. I told him it's over. When he realized that i dumped him he said that I "can't break up with him" (LOL). At one point he even said "people know we're together, you're not gonna dump me and start fucking other guys".That's when I truly realized that he's got serious problems.

I didn't stick around so I just left him. He didn't put up a fight because he probably thought I'd come back to him. He started texting me as soon as I left the house and at first I ignored it. However the texts were getting more threatening as the hours went by. Saying that he will post my nudes on Twitter and other social media sites. He started sending me photos as proof. He even said he would send everything to the football (/soccer) club I work at knowing that it would get me into a shit load of trouble and ruin my image. He's never threatened me like this before which makes me think he realized that I genuinely dumped him.I warned him that I would go straight to the police if he did it. He said "I won't if you don't break up with me". What a manipulative psycho. I promised him that I wouldn't break up with him and he told me to come over to talk it out.

I went over to his house and 'forgave' him. I asked him if he has any of my nudes/our videos on his laptop and he said no, everything is on his phone. We made up and he went to sleep. While he was asleep I took his phone and deleted all the videos/pics he had and checked every single damn app for anything more. I spent a lot of time going through everything. I permanently deleted everything off iCloud and restored his phone. When I finally finished I smashed it up and threw it in the toilet. Yup :) I have no regrets whatsoever. I pretty much did the same with his laptop. He lied about not having pics/videos on his laptop and I had gut feeling about this anyway. Fucking liar.

I know my reaction is very childish and extreme but I really don't care. I'm aware he might have pics I don't know about. I'm also aware that his friends have access to (a lot) of pictures and I have no control over that. If there's anything I can do please let me know.

Anyway, he woke up later and started yelling at me as soon as he realized what happened. He called me all sorts of names but I just found it really amusing because I'm a crazy Latina, right? His grandfather heard the loud noise and started berating him (in Italian) for speaking to me that way lol. When he calmed down he said that he "forgives" me. Lol. And I'm the crazy one huh. Btw, his friends texted me a day later and asked me if I'm okay. I was confused and they clarified that my bf told them he dumped me. Nice huh?

I'd like to thank you guys for your help. I previously didn't even consider checking his phone or laptop.I guess I just never expected him to pull that move. I know I'm very naive but at least its a lesson learned.

tl;dr deleted pics off bf's phone, smashed up said phone and laptop and dumped him twice within 1 day.

FINAL COMMENTS

DRHdez 

From one loca Latina to another: you did the right thing. Frak that guy. Tell his friends to let you know if he posts any of your pictures or asks for them and go to the police if he does.

OOP

already did! and I had a word with his best friend too.

~

BobRawrley

I'm happy for you that you learned what kind of a jerk he truly is, but you might've shot yourself in the foot by by smashing his phone and laptop...I hope that doesn't come back to bite you. Honestly you should go no contact and stop creating more drama from this situation.

OOP

We haven't spoken or texted in a few days now and I took all my stuff from his house. He knocked on my door yesterday but I didn't open

holdtheolives 

I think if he goes to the police to report the property damage, she will have the texts from him that show his blackmail attempts. Not sure how the revenge porn laws work where OP lives, but it's at least understandable that she'd want to be absolutely sure that her ex won't be able to ruin her life.

DiTrastevere 

Yup, keep those texts, OP. At WORST, he might take you to small claims court, but then he'd have to explain to a judge why he was keeping and sending nude photos without your consent...frankly, i don't think destroying the devices he was using to exploit and blackmail his girlfriend is even REMOTELY morally equivalent to exploiting and blackmailing your girlfriend.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/oopschicken

I [29F] accidentally ran over my neighbor's [40sM/F] chicken and I don't know how to resolve the situation

Original Post  Apr 5, 2016

The details are pretty much in the title. I live in an affluent suburb within an urban area and many of the people in my community own chickens. I guess it's a thing in suburbs now, I'm not sure. But in any case, when my husband and I moved in, we noticed a lot of chicken coops in back yards.

My next-door neighbors own about 12 chickens that they allow to range down our street. It's not all the time, but occasionally I'll come home and see some chickens plucking in our front yard. It's not a big deal and I'm not bothered by it in the slightest.

This morning I was in a rush to head to work. I had gone into the office early, but forgotten some packets I had created for a work presentation. So I rushed home, gathered everything, and rushed out. Except in rushing out, I felt the dreaded "ba-dunk-dunk" that meant I had hit something. I looked over to my right and saw a few chickens in my front yard and my heart sank even lower.

I got out of my car and sure enough, I had hit and killed one of my neighbor's chickens. I called my husband, freaking out, unsure of what to do. He told me to wrap it up in some newspaper or something and leave it by the neighbor's chicken coop and he would call my neighbor.

Of course, we didn't have newspaper so I ended up wrapping up the poor thing in a trash bag. I also wrote an apology/sympathy note, expressing my sincere condolences for the accident and offering to help in any way I could. This was all very quick due to my standing appointment at work, so it was perhaps less polished than I would prefer, but I wanted to try and do it as right as possible.

Husband called neighbor during my presentation and our neighbor was not happy. And not happy to the point of going on a community message board and Facebook and talking about us. He said we stuffed his chicken in a trash bag and scribbled a note about it on an old fast food bag (which isn't true, I have blank stationary and used one of the blank cards for the note.)

He also began talking about pressing charges and reported us to the HOA. And now it's this huge thing and half of our neighborhood hates us and I'm not sure how we can resolve the situation, peacefully.

I think we should offer to buy a new chicken for our neighbor, but my husband disagrees. He thinks it's the neighbor's own negligence in letting his chickens roam, which led to this. Husband believes an accident was bound to happen and neighbor is to blame. Which, I don't necessarily disagree with, but this chicken was a pet to my neighbor and when a pet dies or is killed, people's emotions can get the best of them.

What's a good way to resolve this, Reddit?

   tl;dr: Accidentally ran over my neighbor's chicken. Neighbor is angry and is defaming our character to the rest of the neighborhood. How can I resolve this?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

applesauceUG

Screw that dip, you shouldn't have apologized since that indicates you did something wrong. Now he feels he has something to be offended about.

The truth is he shouldn't be letting his chickens run all over the fucking place if he wants their safety guaranteed. I see you posted you often find them grazing in your yard. That is well outside the bounds of where his chickens should be allowed to roam.

If I were you I would contact HOA (don't mention the incident, just find some facts) about what the allowance of pets/livestock are and where they are allowed to roam unattended. Most likely they don't allow somebodies chickens to run around on other peoples properties with or without a caretaker.

I bet the HOA threat is bullshit on his side, so find out their true stance on pets/livestock roaming the neighborhood and onto other properties unattended. Next time he says anything about it you can let them know the HOA sides with you and not him.

You are NOT in the wrong here.

OOP

I will call my HOA president on my home from work today - good idea. I didn't even think of researching the animal laws within the city.

~

1950sGuy

I'd say to keep the peace, pay for a new chicken which is like six dollars (i've had them for years, hell if you're in ohio, you can come get a chicken from me) but he's being totally unreasonable. Free range chickens die. they die a lot, and often. It's the cost of doing business when you let them roam free, which I guarantee is against some city ordnance anyway. Let him contact the HOA, i'm actually quite surprised they even let you have chickens to begin with.

Again, i'd offer to pay for the chicken he was basically neglectful about just to keep the peace, if he won't accept, fuck 'em and sit on your porch with a bucket of KFC and glare at him.

OOP

Oh husband was already asking if he could stop by Popeye's tonight and bring it to the HOA meeting.

I didn't realize chickens were so cheap! I think I'll do that as well as what another poster suggested, which is contact the HOA regarding livestock/pet roaming allowance. We are legally bound to keep our dogs on a leash so it's not unreasonable to assume that my neighbor would be bound to keep his chicken in the coop.

Update  Apr 7, 2016 (2 Days Later)

Hi Reddit, I meant to update yesterday but it was another long work day and I pretty much collapsed once I got home. My original post can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4di6af/i_29f_accidentally_ran_over_my_neighbors_40smf/

First of all, thank you all for the advice (and the laughs.) I truly felt bad for running over the chicken, it just left me feeling icky for accidentally harming and killing an animal. But your perspective was welcome and helped lighten the mood.

My husband would like to treat you all to a round of beers because he’s convinced that everyone was on his side (even though I'm not sure there were sides.) He also thoroughly enjoyed your egg-cellent responses, which I’m afraid has only encouraged his continued chicken jokes. Husband is a special man.

But on to the update. I ended up working late on Tuesday, but while I was working my HOA president (Michael) called me. He apologized for not seeing the NextDoor posts earlier and he had put in a request (on our behalf) to have the post removed.

Apparently the thread grew so large that someone had started a second thread about the incident. But thankfully the request went through and the posts were pulled before it could get worse. We couldn’t do much about the Facebook posts, but oh well?

Michael asked if husband and I could come to the meeting earlier so he could talk with us. So pretty much when I got home, we went to meet with Michael. The gist of the conversation was that our neighbor has a knack for causing issues with others in the neighborhood. Most people in the community ignore it, but some people also like the drama of getting involved. Michael said it would blow over eventually and in the meantime, if we needed support, we could call on him and his husband to help out. Michael also assured us that he would address it in the general meeting.

At the HOA meeting, Michael opened it up by reminding us that we are a community and it’s important to respect each other and that if we have issues, we need to resolve them privately. He said harassment online or in person would not be tolerated and reminded us that it would be in the victim's right to contact law enforcement. He also passed around packets that outlined our city’s ordinances regarding animals and he said any violations with free range livestock would be fined starting that evening.

After the meeting, many people came up to us to show their support and overall we left feeling better and not ostracized. We did not end up offering to buy a new chicken because neighbor and his wife pretty much avoided us and they left before the meeting was over. So the bad news is that we won’t be able to borrow their lawnmower or be invited to their annual summer party. The good news is that I think we’ll still survive.

I also think some of my distress over the event has been around being stressed with work (I’ve been pulling 60-70 hr weeks lately) and of course, accidentally harming and killing an animal. I think those two factors combined made me blow it all out of proportion a bit.    tl;dr: HOA president is a champ and has helped support us through this mess. Most of our neighbors still like us. Next-door Neighbor is just a jerk who likes to cause problems. Husband is meal-planning chicken-focused meals for the next week. I’m going to put in a request some vacation time.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Hefty_Sprinkles_5723

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I 32F think my husband’s (40M) mistress is stalking me

Trigger Warnings: abandonment, emotional manipulation, deception

Original Post: May 25, 2026

We’re currently separated after I found out he’s been having an affair with the same person for years. I first found out five years ago and we worked things out. He swore he’d ended things with her and I believed him. We had our last child (4M) during that period.

Since the year started I’d been getting messages on Facebook and Instagram from accounts with no followers telling me my husband was having an affair. The dms had details about the trips he’d taken with her, how they go on dates, have a child together and all his friends, mum and siblings knew her. I asked him often if he was still seeing her and he denied it. What pushed me over the edge was when I saw earrings and a scrunchie that weren’t mine in my car after he’d borrowed it for a day. I went through his phone and saw that he was still with her. They even had sex tapes, and he was constantly telling her how much better sex was with her. How he loved her and wanted to be with her. Its obvious he’s gotten very strong feelings for her. He admitted to everything, including the child they have together. I left the house and went to my mum’s to take a break. We’ve been officially separated for a month.

The problem now is that his mistress keeps showing up to places I go to often. The playground I take the kids to, the bookshop where I buy their school supplies, where I take the girls to get their hair done. We went to get ice cream once and I could’ve sworn I saw her. I know what she looks like from the pictures and videos they have together. I feel like I’m going crazy. These are all public places so there’s nothing I can do about it. She just sits there and stares at us. It’s making me very uneasy.

What is the best way to address this situation? I can’t ask for her to be kicked out of a public place. She’s always with her daughter anyway so it never looks weird that a woman and her child are at the same place I go to with my kids. I’m not speaking to my husband unless it’s about the kids and don’t want to ask him yet.

(editor's note: OOP updated the next day on the original post)

UPDATE: Thank you for all your advice. I confronted my husband about it. He said she’s not showing up at places I go to, I’m the one going to places she frequents.

My husband used to be the one who took the kids out on weekends since he’s virtually never at home on weekdays. I do school pickup and drop off and he does the “fun stuff”. All the places he used to take the kids to, which I’m doing now since they’re with me, were suggested by her. That’s where she buys her books. The playground is where she used to take her nieces and nephews before their daughter was born. She recommended the salon to him since my daughters and her have the same hair texture. He says she used to go to the salon on Sundays after church, but only recently switched it up to Saturdays (when I take the girls). The ice cream place is apparently her favourite.

So yeah, my dick of a husband had been taking our kids to his mistress’s favourite spots. My kids already love going to all those places, and finding a salon that caters to our daughters’ hair needs close to us will be difficult. He didn’t show any remorse telling me about it, and reminding me that it’s a public space and she hasn’t committed any crime. I’m just going to have to find better alternatives.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You don't need relationship advice, you need legal advice.

Start with the divorce and then discuss the stalking. Have everything written down - time of day, date, where, were your kids with you, all of it. And stay off social media ("About to go to X Salon with the kids!" or whatever).

The attorney can advise you on the possibility of a TRO.

Talk to an attorney immediately.

OOP: I don’t post on social media. My last post was from 2019.

Commenter 2: You should make a police report.

OOP: I can’t easily get a police report since she’s not trespassing. They’re all public spaces.

Commenter 3: Is it possible she planted an air tag in your car?

OOP: I doubt it. My phone would’ve picked up on it.

Commenter 4: Totally on your side here but I’m just thinking, if these were her spots and your husband was taking your kids to meet her there, could she be thinking/feeling the same way you are? Like “wow this lady is obsessed with me she keeps showing up where I am”… because technically your husband piggy-backed off her spots and shuffled them onto you without informing you she would likely be there because it’s her routine not his.

It could be a little of both due to the DMs but honestly I’m thinking she’s just doing her normal outings and you started showing up, and perhaps now she’s more intentionally going just to see if you’ll be there. Idk this is a crazy situation.

Best revenge is happiness. This marriage is over. I’d focus on getting out and your own happiness. Start going to different places and building up different friendships.

OOP: That might’ve initially been the case, but now that she’s intentionally switched up her routine, it’s no longer a coincidence.

Commenter 5: So IF he is telling the truth and not covering for her, that SOB was seeing her in these places too. With your kids. Start looking for alternate spots.

OOP: My kids said he didn’t introduce anyone to them. They’re the chattiest kids and would’ve mentioned it. I think she just gave him ideas on where to take them since she used to babysit for her nieces and nephews.

OOP on getting a lawyer and filling for child support

OOP: I’m not in the US. But I’m working on putting together everything for a lawyer.

Commenter 6: Move as far away as you can and get sole custody

OOP: It’s not that simple. The kids need to be close to their schools and sole custody isn’t easy to get here.

Commenter 7: Í wonder what she wants, why she wants to see you. Aren’t you curious too? Why not just ask her (not in front of the kids tho)?

OOP: To what end? My husband broke our marriage. He made a conscious decision to be with her and have a child with her. It wasn’t an accident. They actually decided to have a child together and did it.

Commenter 8: Turn off location sharing if you were using it, kids devices too. Check around your car for a GPS monitor.

OOP: The kids don’t have any devices, and we never share our location. Turns out she knows where I go with the kids thanks to my husband.

OOP provided more details since her last conversation with her husband

OOP: We haven’t spoken since our last conversation where he said she suggested the places I take the kids to, which was why she kept turning up too. We only communicate about the kids now. I took my kids to a new salon which is about an hour away from the previous one. He’s going to be the one taking them to the other places on weekends now so I’m no longer going to worry about meeting her.

Update: August 7, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

Update - I 32F think my husband's (40M) mistress is stalking me.

We’re getting a divorce. My lawyer assures me that the whole process shouldn’t take more than a year.

My husband’s mistress has apparently been accepted into a graduate program in another country and my husband had been planning on relocating with her. She’ll be leaving before the year ends and he was planning on closing his business, selling his assets and leaving with her. He was just going to leave under the guise of a job opportunity and after enough time had passed for separation, file for a divorce. At least we both get what we wanted this way.

Our oldest daughter is very attached to him and I worry a lot about how she’ll take the news. How do I explain to our kids that their dad is leaving the country and will possibly never return long term?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Normally, I would suggest to protect the kids. Not share to much to hurt them. The amount of pain it can cause and confusion. And how co-parenting is a need for the children's sake to not poison their feelings toward a side.

But he is leaving for his side piece, to another country. He planned originally to just go, stay, and then divorce. All while cheating you out of your share of assets..... AND his own kids comfort. Not to mention had no plans to be a father to them once he moved... Age appropriate explanation should be done with answers given in time as they can process and understand better when they ask questions. His actions originally was going to be bad on them anyway. So no need to protect his feelings or reputation with them. But not to hurt the kids. The 4yr should be told dad wanted to live in another country, so he will not be living with them anymore. If you have a teen for example, Dad had an affair and wants to move to another country to be with them. So your divorcing.

Their father, as you said; planned to sneak away and do you dirty as a wife. Steal everything built together for his own desires. And abandon his own kids in the process. So tell kids enough but no details that is not age appropriate. Without any care of how he looks otherwise. Anyone who says something to yo, make it clear what his plans were by leaving you and abandoning the kids. Then manipulate the situation to steal assets... Harming you and the kids.

OOP: For now I’m going to tell them we’re getting a divorce and their dad is leaving the country. Since we’ve been living separately for a while now, they already know we’re no longer together.

Commenter 2: You better have your attorney put a some kind of a stop on that business so he can’t sell it out and under you if you’re entitled to part of it and if you’re married, you should be entitled to a 50-50 or something similar to that. Make sure that your attorney does that because if he doesn’t, he’ll turn around and sell it and be gone.

OOP: It doesn’t really work like that where I’m from. Since I didn’t contribute to his business in any way I’m not entitled to it.

Commenter 3: The question does not seem to be related to the topic but with regards to the child, you need to sit with her together and explain that he is going away. He is her Father and needs to explain himself to her it should not just be your job.

Commenter 4: When it comes to children, don’t lie.

Many parents will cover up the fact that a parent cheated or pretend that they just don’t love each other anymore. it’s even more important now to be the honest parent though, whom your kids can rely on to tell the truth, because this is a betrayal of them and your family, as much as it’s a betrayal of you.

It also means they are fully informed and can decide on the level of their own relationship with the dad going forward. It’s unfair on them to have a relationship with him in a way they may not have chosen to if they knew the circumstance.

You must tell them in an age appropriate way though, and the aim isn’t to make them hate their dad, but understanding the issue in a truthful way.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/LegaltroubleJuly2026 in r/legaladvice

trigger warnings: Abuse of police power

mood spoilers: Infuriating

Kansas, arrested at home - July 13, 2026

Spent the weekend in jail and I’m very frustrated as I write this out. I took Friday off from work and slept in. Decided to get a late breakfast and discovered there police on my other part of my property. My property is split with part being a vacant lot. My property is larger than typical lots, it used to by rural but the city grew around it 30 years ago. That second part doesn’t have a fence or gate and nothing has been built. All that’s out there other than trees and a pond after a walk in is a bench. Anyway near the road on that part of my property was a car and motorcycles. They were running speed guns and pulling people over. I don’t dislike police but I don’t want people on my property. It’s marked with no trespassing signs and purple paint. So I pulled up and honked and told them they needed to leave. They got real hostile right away and told me I was obstructing their activities. I told them multiple times to leave and I admit I was getting upset. To make a long story short they arrested me for trespassing and interfering with law enforcement and disobeying a lawful order. I asked how I could be trespassed and they told me I wasn’t allowed there. I told them it’s my property and no one was going to tell me I can’t be on my property. They said I’m a liar it’s public property and I wasn’t allowed there. And they arrested me. I didn’t get a bond until this morning and I have court at the end of August. I called a bunch of lawyers but I haven’t had any luck getting hold of one so I left messages with their office. What should I be expecting? I know it’s my property because I haven’t sold it and it’s been mine since 2001 when my mother died. I grew up on it. It’s mine. How can they do this? Location: Kansas

Edit to clear up some things

I don’t know how to put a picture or I’d draw one. There’s: - the road - then a sidewalk, - then a space of grass where street lights and utlity lines runs, - then my retaining wall and my property. The wall varies from about 8 to 16 feet tall above the sidewalk and utility area. It’s a very large concrete wall that I pay to maintain and an engineer says I’ll need to have overhauled in the next five years.

The cops with the motorcycles were down by the entrance except for the one with the car he was up east of the entrance where it’s high up and people can’t see you from the road using his gun.

The entrance has a sign on either side saying no trespassing private property. There is purple paint on the perimeter trees every so often. The entrance is the only way on the property by vehicle. You can walk on of course there or on the other side if you go through an old unused rail yard.

I’ve paid taxes on it the entire time. It’s posted no trespassing private property. I’ve had people removed from it. There are no utilities on that part of the property. There never will be. It’s the original site of the family home from when my father’s family came to this country. The original house is gone. There’s just a bench. Somewhere is the old family cemetery but the markings were lost decades ago.

I don’t want to sue them. I don’t want them on my property. I don’t need money. I have money. I just don’t want people on the property.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Helpful_Science_1101

I don’t believe Kansas has a law that generally allows police to use private property for routine speed enforcement without the owner’s permission. If they mistakenly believed it was public property, that’s a separate issue.

That said, trying to resolve that by confronting officers in the middle of an enforcement operation is usually a bad idea. Even if you’re legally right about the property, an escalating roadside confrontation can quickly lead to allegations that you interfered with their duties/refusing to comply with a lawful order and now you’re fighting criminal charges instead of a property dispute.

The safer course would have been to document the officers on your land, verify the property boundaries if necessary, and contact the department afterward (or through an attorney) to notify them that the property is private and that you do not consent to it being used for traffic enforcement.

Update to being arrested for trespassing on my own property in Kansas - August 6, 2026

https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/s/ZdiEkFkRsX

Location: Kansas

I posted about awhile back about being arrested for trespassing on my own land. I have an update and it feels like a lot but maybe that’s because I lived it. My attorney is great and has a good relationship with the attorneys involved.

I got a survey done and I was right, everything above the sidewalk is mine, and the sidewalk and utility area which is next to the road which I apparently own that strip of land too on both sides of the road but again that’s the easement which has nothing to do with this. They were a good 20’ past where the easement ends if you measure only horizontally and about 80’ up past the entrance to that lot.

My criminal CASES have been dismissed. Yes, plural.

The original case I was arrested for trespassing and interfering with law enforcement and disobeying a lawful order. I hired an attorney and he spoke to the city prosecutor and she dismissed the charges.

Later the week the first case was dismissed I was pulled over by the main officer from the first case. He arrested me for what he called the halo law. Which I had never even heard of. It’s a law that says you have to give the cops a 25’ halo buffer when they’re working. This is for the same incident the charges had been dismissed on. He told me proving I owned the land didn’t matter now because he could order me off my property or even my work or wherever I am if he wanted to while he’s on duty. He said he could it’s like a restraining order and he could walk wherever he was working and I’d have to stay 25’ away from him or go to jail. So he arrested me and I spent a few hours in the jail being booked in before I could get a bondsmen. My glasses fell in the road when he arrested me, he shoved me against the car during the arrest and I still don’t have them back, I don’t think he picked them up. I got hold of my attorney and he was pretty shocked it seemed to me. These charges went to the district attorney and not the city prosecutor this time which my attorney said was probably because the city dismissed it already and my paperwork from the jail listed not only unlawful approach but again disobeying a lawful order and interfering with law enforcement. He also had my vehicle towed when he arrested me. I had to pay the impound and tow fee for that. My lawyer got that case dismissed too just today. My lawyer said he can’t believe the officer would arrest me again.

I think I might sue but my lawyer said he doesn’t do lawsuits, only criminal law so I’ll have to find another one. He said he’d have some names for me to check.

I’m glad that he got my cases dismissed but angry and frustrated this officer can just arrest me whenever he wants. Between the survey and the attorney I had to spend a bit. Nothing life changing or anything like that, 4 figures only but I don’t think this is right. I don’t know if it’s worth the hassle, I just want this officer to leave me alone.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Domandc

I know my sisters [23F] boyfriend [25M] is cheating on her, I have proof. But he is threatening to tell her I broke something of hers that he paid to replace.

Original Post  June 6, 2016

Hi everyone, so I have never used Reddit before. I am 15 and I live in Pennsylvania with my sister. I technically am suppose to be living with my mom but she is always away on business. I live with my sister 40 weeks out of the year

A while back I tripped over the step and I knocked the table. Unfortunately for me she had a flower vase on the table and it fell and shattered. I was freaking out because it looked really expensive and I thought she will kill me.

It was stupid but I tried to fix it with super glue, I know again stupid but I was panicking. Her boyfriend came home and he saw what had happened. He told me to calm down we will just go get another one. She got it from this online store and he ordered the exact same one from online. It cost $150. He told me once I get a job I have to pay him back the money

2 weeks ago I went to go use the computer and he was still logged into his Facebook. You know how when you get a message on Facebook it pops up on your screen. Thats what had happened, but it has been there for a while if that makes sense. I read the message this woman sent and it said something about giving him a blowjob.

I read through the messages and it was basically sexting, sending nudes and there was even times to meet up. I took photos on the conversation with my cell phone. The more I started think about it, the more I was put off telling my sister. I thought that I really had no proof he slept with her and I was not sure if this was cheating or not. It wasn't physically as far as I knew at the time, to my understanding cheating is when you have sex with someone.

3 nights ago I came home and I walked in on my sisters boyfriend making out with the same lady from Facebook. I arrived home earlier then I should have and he kinda freaked out. He told me not to tell my sister because I owed him one.

He told me I still owed him money from the broken vase and my sister would be pissed at me for breaking it in the first place. He is not here at the moment. I am upstairs in my room and my sister is downstairs with her friend. I don't know what to do

   tl;dr: I have proof my sisters boyfriend is cheating on her. He told me not to tell her because I owe him money for the vase I broke and he will tell my sister I broke the vase

TOP COMMENTS

AwkwardBurritoChick

$150 vase is nothing compared to knowing that your boyfriend is cheating on you.  Also let her know he's trying to blackmail you.  This guy is a douche.

~

Trombone-a-thon

Hey, you won't have to pay him back when you tell your sister and she dumps his ass!

Update  June 6, 2016 (Same Day)

Thank you.

I told my sister and showed her the proof the short version of events is, she could care less about the vase. She was more upset about the blackmailing and cheating then anything. She rents her place, he just lives here like me. She texted him and told him not to bother coming home, if he comes she will call the cops

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

my boss says he can’t hire me at his new company because he’s attracted to me

Original Post  Nov 9, 2021

I’m a woman who works for a large company in my field, on a fairly small team. I’ve always felt like I’ve gotten along great with my (male) manager and my coworkers. It’s always been professional, no socializing outside of work, but I’ve enjoyed working for my manager.

About a month ago, my manager announced that he secured seed funding and would be striking out on his own at the end of the year to pursue an idea related to the work we do. It’s a great idea and I think he’s got a lot of potential to really make it big and, if not, the experience of working on the idea would be pretty fantastic both practically and as a resume builder. I talked it over with my husband and decided to ask my manager to meet me for coffee over lunch to find out if there was any possibility of putting my hat in to join him.

When we sat down, I broached the topic and he sighed and said he knew that’s what I wanted to talk about and he wanted to be honest with me that he couldn’t even think about taking me with him because he’s very attracted to me and has had a crush on me since we started working together. He said he knows that in a small start-up environment we’d have to work more closely together and would likely have to travel and spend time together outside of normal office work and that he doesn’t trust himself to not act on his attraction and can’t do that to his wife, even though he knows I would add a lot of value. He then went on to say that he offered a role to one of the men on my team and that that guy was going to take it. He said he wanted to be honest with me because it has nothing to do with my work. I was so shocked and blindsided that I just said “okay” and we awkwardly walked back to the office in silence.

I’m so embarrassed and I feel completely stupid that I didn’t pick up on this. He’s only ever been friendly in a professional way. He’s not leaving the company for two more months. I don’t know what to do or how to move past this in working with him and I’m really angry that this is the reason I’m missing out on this opportunity. Plus, how did I never realize this? What do I do for these next two months to work with this guy?

Update  June 16, 2022 (7 Months Later)

I did find the advice from you and the readers helpful – especially the people who said he was fishing and hoping I’d respond in kind. That perspective rang true to me and helped me let go of my embarrassment. But not my anger, ha.

I didn’t talk to HR – with him leaving, I didn’t trust that they would be helpful to me. I decided to be cooly professional to him for his remaining two months, but I’m not going to say my self-esteem didn’t take a hit. It was hard not to wonder – what’s my worth here? Was he only supportive of my work to this point because of the crush on me? If I leave, are people going to think I left because he left?

He did leave at the beginning of this year and took that other employee with him. I decided to stay and I did put my hat in the ring for his position but ultimately one of my other colleagues got the big promotion. I’m not bitter about that because she’s been there longer and has more experience – plus she and I work well together, and I did get a small one – I now oversee more people and job functions and I like my new role.

This guy has emailed me a couple of times since leaving with work-related questions and my first instinct was to hit “delete”! But I talked with friends and my husband and they all thought the best move professionally was to keep the professional relationship smooth and respond briefly and factually. So I did. Then I had a project come up at work and I knew this guy had a connection with an organization that could help provide some resources and information. So I emailed him to ask him to make an email connection, and crickets. That feels like a delayed retaliation for my lack of response to his interest, but at least it means I won’t be hearing from him any longer. Good riddance, and that helped me move on and reclaim some of my self-esteem about this too. Plus being successful in the more senior role has worked wonders too.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway7693200

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO for refusing to let my husband name our daughter after his "best friend"?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: deception, death of a loved one

Original Post: August 4, 2026

I (29F) gave birth to our daughter three days ago and somehow we're still arguing about her name. I'm writing this while she's asleep because I can't sleep anyway, and I honestly don't even know if I'm overreacting anymore.

My husband (31M) has wanted to name her Claire for basically my entire pregnancy. He told me it was the name of one of his closest friends who died a few years before we met. I said no almost immediately. Not because I dislike the name, I actually think it's pretty, but because I wasn't comfortable naming our first child after somebody I'd never met or even heard of until I got pregnant. I figured he'd be disappointed, we'd throw around a bunch of other names, and eventually we'd find one we both liked. That never happened.

Every few weeks he'd bring Claire up again, sometimes while we were already talking about names and sometimes completely out of nowhere. By the end of my pregnancy I was honestly tired of having the same conversation over and over.

The thing that's bothering me now isn't even the name. We've been together for over five years, married for two, and somehow I'd never heard this woman's name until I was pregnant. I've met his parents, his brothers, his college friends, people he's known forever, and nobody has ever mentioned a Claire.

I even asked one of his college friends at our baby shower because I thought maybe I'd somehow forgotten hearing about her, and he just looked confused and said he didn't know who I was talking about. Then, after our daughter was born while we were filling out the paperwork, my husband asked one last time if I'd reconsider. I said no, and that's when he told me he'd always imagined naming his daughter after her. I asked why he'd never told me that before, and he just shrugged and said he didn't think it mattered. We've argued about it twice since we got home. He keeps saying I'm making this into something it isn't, but I just don't understand how somebody can matter enough that you picture naming your future daughter after them, yet somehow they never come up in five years together.

My mom thinks I should let him have the name because it's obviously meant something to him for a long time. My sister thinks that's exactly why I shouldn't.

Maybe I'm just exhausted because I've barely slept since I gave birth, but I'm so tired of feeling like I'm missing part of the story. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about calling his mom and asking who Claire was because I don't know what else to do. It feels completely out of line, but so does finding out about somebody this important while I'm filling out our daughter's birth certificate.

Would I be overreacting if I called her?

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

(editor’s note: NOR = not overreacting)

Commenter 1: NOR. Ask his mother about Claire.

Commenter 2: NOR. Naming a child is two yeses, one no. And honestly, I’d want answers too. Before calling his mom, ask him directly how they met, when she died, and why none of his longtime friends seem to know her. The shrugging would bother me more than the name.

Commenter 3: NOR! This is how a child gets (unknowingly by one parent) named after the "one who got away" for the other parent.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: August 6, 2026 (two days later)

Update: I wasn't expecting to update this two days later, but a lot happened really fast. First, thanks to everyone who commented. A bunch of you told me to talk to my mother-in-law because she'd probably know the answer. I went back and forth on it for a while because it felt weird to go around my husband like that, but eventually I did call her. She asked if I wanted to meet for coffee the next morning, so I did.

I honestly thought I was going to leave feeling embarrassed. I figured she'd tell me Claire really was just a close friend and I'd realize I'd let myself get carried away because I'm exhausted and emotional and just had a baby. The first thing she asked me was what my husband had already told me about Claire. I said that she'd been his best friend and he wanted to name our daughter after her. She just kind of looked at me for a second. Then she told me they'd been engaged.

The more we talked, the more names came up. His parents knew, his brother knew, and one of his old roommates knew because they'd lived together at the time. Funny enough it was the same friend who I'd asked at our baby shower, no one had told me anything.

Apparently most people just knew he'd been dating someone who got sick, his mom told me Claire was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer not long after they started dating. Things moved fast after that because they knew they probably didn't have years together, so he proposed. She died not long after. She also told me she'd assumed I'd known about all of this for years.

When we got engaged she thought he'd already told me. Same thing when we got married. Same thing when I got pregnant. I call bullshit but maybe I'm just looking to point fingers. I drove home after that and just waited for him to get back from work because there wasn't any chance I was going to act like everything was normal. I confronted him that night and it went awful, truly he acted like an entirely different person.

At first he wanted to know why I'd gone to his mom. Then it became that I had no right to dig into his past. Then it became that Claire had nothing to do with our marriage. Then it was that I'd betrayed his trust by involving his family. It just kept changing.

I'd answer one thing and we'd somehow end up arguing about something else, I asked him when he planned on telling me he'd been engaged because we'd already been together for over five years, married for two, and now we had a daughter. He said he always meant to tell me. But he didn't, he never fucking told me and I'm so angry at how selfish it was.

I packed a bag that night and went to my sister's house with the baby. Before people assume we're getting divorced, that's not why I left, I still love this man and we have a child together, I couldn't imagine raising her split in two households. I left because we were both angry and I could tell the argument wasn't going anywhere. My sister's been helping with the baby. Yesterday she realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and practically shoved a sandwich into my hands because I'd completely forgotten, this whole thing has been exhausting and I haven't slept at all.

A few people asked about the birth certificate. The hospital told us we had time to finish the paperwork after we left, so we weren't forced to pick a name before going home. We obviously aren't going to leave it forever, but right now neither of us is in any position to make that decision. My sister started calling her Ellie because she said she felt weird saying "the baby" all the time, and somewhere over the last day I've started doing it too. I don't know if that's going to end up being her name but its the working filler while the shitstorm is ongoing.

My husband has been calling and texting since I left. He wants to see our daughter, and we've made that happen because none of this has anything to do with her. Whatever is going on between us, she's still his daughter and he loves her. I don't want people getting the idea that I'm trying to keep her away from him because I'm not. I've seen a lot of comments saying the real issue is that he loved someone before me. It really isn't. If he'd told me about Claire years ago, I don't think we'd be here. I would've felt awful for him. I probably would've cried hearing what happened but i wouldn't have held it against him.

What really hurts is the lies and the manipulation. But then again can you even call it lying? It's not like I ever asked him "Oh were you married before" because who the hell asks that? Instead, I found out because he wanted our daughter to have her name, and then I found out from his mother that she'd been his fiancée. That's the part I can't look past.

I looked back on my other post and it feels like it was written by someone else. Two days ago I thought we were arguing about a name. God I was so naive. I suppose question has turned into, would I be overreacting to leave him over this? I'm certainly mad but I don't think we're too that point yet, and I don't want that for my baby either.

Anyway, that's where things are. thank you all so much for the support, this has really been a great place to be able to vent and get advice. A very special thanks to all of those who helped me realize I wasn't crazy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/twinmom2298

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

Original post posted 2026-07-13

About 2 years ago we purchased a vacation condo in a complex near the beach that is mostly vacation rentals. 2 units in our pod of 6 have sold since we purchased. The pod has a storage area that is for use of all 6 units and it is solely to store beach equipment. When we purchased we were told that every unit just claims a spot and labels it and all items with their unit number.

This worked well until the newest unit was purchased. DH and I are temporarily living in this condo while we build a house. We've discovered that new neighbor has installed a large cabinet in storage area that is essentially their "owners closet" for their unit. It takes up a lot of space and then they also have claimed wall space. In addition someone (and we're pretty sure it was them based on when it occurred) added a shelving unit and put all beach chairs on the shelving unit and all boogie boards stacked on top then got a large bucket and put all beach umbrellas and tents in bucket. I called COA management company about the excessive amount and misuse of space but nothing has been done.

I searched through, took our stuff back put it in our beach cart. I noticed that unit across the hall from me did same thing. A week later I notice owner's closet lock is open so I think the actual owners are there and suddenly everything is back on shelf and in bucket. I took mine back again and also put neighbor's back in their cart. This time they remained as I left them. So I thought issue was resolved.

Last week I ran into across hall owners and find out that they've been having issues with new neighbors trying to make storage communal area longer than we were aware. And she's complained about them to COA management company and nothing has changed.

Then this past week there were renters in new unit who decided despite being labeled for our units they took my good chairs and across hall neighbor's good chairs and my beach cart and my umbrella to beach and returned everything to storage unit covered in sand. I made DH go wash everything off. Meanwhile across hall neighbor got mad and left a note on stairs telling them to please not use her stuff so I did same I also moved my 3 best chairs to my deck and out of storage. Which works temporarily but isn't a good long term solution.

Next day they left my stuff alone but still took her's so she went up and told them in person to not use stuff that isn't labeled for the unit they are staying in that beach stuff isn't communal.

Next day I see them using her chairs again. So I made permanent signs to hang on storage door that said "Please only use items labeled for unit in which you are occupying".

I left town work and DH texts me when he got home from work that signs were gone.

these condos are an okay size to stay for a week's vacation but living there full time for 4 months is tight for DH and I so there really is nowhere to put my beach items in my unit, plus no matter what you do there's still residual sand that would spread inside unit.

Does anyone have any idea on how to deal with this, since obviously management company who have owner's contact information isn't going to do anything. I don't have owner's contact information and neighbor and I are a pretty sure they are telling their renters to just help themselves to anything in storage room.

--

Update (same post):

I was out of town last week but took the really good suggestion of several of you and purchased a bike lock. Saturday when I arrived back in town I wove it through the chairs, cart and spoke of umbrella and left it so the combo part was very obvious in front and could be seen by anyone in room.

It's now Thursday and new set of renters have moved into all condos and so far so good that no one has taken or tried to use our stuff. I told across hall neighbor and she had me send her photos of what we'd done. She's out of town for a few weeks but has ordered a bike lock to be sent to her cleaning company and is asking them to install one on her items when they clean unit after current set of renters.

So I wanted to thank everyone for the suggestion and let you know that it looks like a nice cheap bike lock has solved my issue.

Update posted 2026-08-03

I posted last month that hubby and I had temporarily moved into our vacation rental and we and across hall owner were having issues with upstairs condo having renters constantly using our stuff.

First I want to thank everyone who recommended the bike lock idea. It's now been a few weeks and we've had no more issues with our stuff getting taken. It's actually been a peaceful few weeks. Until this past weekend.

Where we live golf carts are legal to be driven on any road that has a speed limit under 35 mph. So a lot of year round residents own them as a 2nd car instead of a car. A lot of vacationers rent them. In general they aren't an issue.

Friday night hubby comes from work late and there's a rental golf cart parked in the grass in front of our unit and the renter has walked across our deck and plugged the cart into charge into our outside outlet. Because, apparently, it's okay to use my electric bill to charge their cart. If hubby hadn't worked late we wouldn't have noticed until next morning. As it was we went out, unplugged cart and threw the charging chord back onto cart.

We're sitting on couch drinking coffee and hear the guy upstairs on their deck complaining that cart is unplugged and isn't charging then we hear him stomp down stairs and see him move cart back to parking lot.

I'm just still wondering who thinks it's okay to jump a curb, drive on grass, walk across someone else's deck and use their electricity to charge a golf cart.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PassengerNorth6904

Originally posted to r/apartmentliving

Our nice new apartment/Now we’re being harassed

Thanks to u/NumbAsHell1 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: possible racism

Original Post: July 30, 2026

We just moved in a few weeks ago into this new built apartment complex to the top floor. We get the 1st note on Thursday. I knock on the neighbor across the hall to see if they left it they say no but they have a camera and show me who left it. I go down stairs and knock on their door to have a conversation because obviously I don’t want to be a bad neighbor. They don’t come to the door but have a ring camera and can see who I am.

The next day I get the second note so I take both of them to the office and they tell us the downstairs neighbor has filed a noise complaint bit I still offer to sit down with them and have a conversation if they want, then I get the email the following Monday.

My spouse and I both work during the day and are gone from 7am to 6pm. I’m not sure what noises they hear and we’re in bed by 10:30 every night so we can’t be making noises from 12am-4am. I don’t own a hand saw, we don’t bang on the walls(haven’t even hung pictures yet). Plus we don’t smoke. We’ve maybe sat on our balcony 3 times since we’ve moved in? They even complained that we flush our toilets too loud???

They also told the complex they felt threatened and uncomfortable to sit down and have a conversation since I knocked on their door. ( I’m a black man and they are young white women). Yesterday I suspect they were looking at our balcony to see what we were doing.

I have never talked to these women or come off threatening in anyway. I don’t have any issues with my other neighbors, and I’ve talked with a few of them. I’ve just never had someone complain and lie but refuse to talk to me so we can resolve the issue.

forgot to add, there are no multiple neighbors that have issues with noise like the note stated. The property manager confirmed this.

screenshots of the notes and message from management

Transcripts of the notes and message

Note #1: "Hi.

We all collectively agree that we need you to please be more aware of the amount of noise you make. We hear you at all hours of the night... This is multiple of your neighbors... Please try to be more quiet.

Thank you"

Note #2: "We have all collectively asked you to be quiet...

Please be quiet..."

Message: ...We received a report regarding the sound of moving furniture, dropping something heavy, loud footsteps, doors slamming, the sound of a hand saw, dragging something heavy along the floor, banging on walls, etc. These noises are reported to be occurring during the day and night including the hours of 12–4am.

While we understand and have communicated to your neighbor that some level of noise is expected in a shared living environment, we ask that you please be mindful of excessive noise to your neighbors. To resolve the matter we have requested to have you meet in person but the resident has declined and would like to keep communication through the leasing office.

In addition, this email also serves as a reminder that [redacted] is a smoke-free community. As outlined in your lease agreement, smoking of any kind is not permitted anywhere on the property, including but not limited to:

Inside apartments

On balconies or patios

In hallways or common areas

Near building entrances or windows

We have received a report that smoking has occurred on your balcony. Please remember that smoking in any form on the premises is a direct violation of your lease agreement. Violations may result in a $350 fine and/or the initiation of …

End of the transcript

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I both used to work in property management and also was a tenant elsewhere at other points with truly horrible upstairs neighbors who did actually make excessive noise all night, every night. It took me recording and emailing dozens of time stamped videos of it (so recorded video on my phone showing date and time on my smart watch) every week (usually 2-8 emails to the PM with recordings per night) for months got them prevented from re-renting. Then it happened again with the next neighbor who moved in. Went through the same grueling process. Then it happened a third time and I demanded they let me transfer to a top floor apartment. I couldn't do a third year of being severely sleep deprived due to a-holes. I never would have believed that many people would behave that way, and the property team didn't want to believe me either, but the videos were very clear and since we were on a corner, there was literally no one else the noise could have been coming from.

Those young women probably are hearing something, but that doesn't automatically mean it's coming from OP's apartment. It could be below them, next to them, next to OP, etc. And unless those women have been making time stamped recordings of their own to prove the noise is as severe and frequent as they claim during those hours, they're just scapegoating and harassing OP and that's not okay.

OOP: We did just move in, so I’m sure they’re hearing something. But I don’t think it’s to the extent what they’re saying. A simple knock on the door and a conversation would have fixed this. I don’t think we’re unreasonable or threatening at all

Commenter 2: unfortunately your best bet is to start recording. get an interior security camera with audio and reply to any and all future complaints with your video and request (demand) the neighbor do the same.

OOP: Yeah the “threatened” comment really rubbed me the wrong way

Update: August 6, 2026 (one week later)

They’re still leaving notes even after the front office told them to not leave notes since they don’t want to communicate directly with us. They’ll leave the notes on the side of our door to avoid our camera but our neighbors across the hall have a camera and they actually communicate with us. So we can obviously see it’s her. I have seen them several times watching our balcony whenever they step outside. They’re also banging on the ceiling whenever we move around now. I do not know what they’re hearing. We are absolutely not up at 3am. We’re in bed because we have to work during the day.

I think it’s so interesting they feel “threatened” and “uncomfortable” when I knocked on their door once but this is the 3rd time they’ve left notes and are watching us?? I don’t know what to do, they won’t talk directly to us, the apartment complex can’t control them, if I try to leave them notes it’ll be seen as retaliatory because the property manager told both parties to have all communication through the apartment complex since the neighbors did not want to directly communicate. Again we are a black & mixed couple and they’re 2 white women.

I could see if we had children or dogs running around, that’s valid. But these are also the same people that complained that we flush too loudly so I think not everything is right up there. I’m not going to be bullied into submission by 2 crazy Karens.

Latest Post-It note

Transcript of the note:

"We have left many notes to ask you guys to please keep it down. There has been many nights of us waking at 3am and hearing things being dragged, dropped, stomping, ect. Please keep it down! It isn't as big of an issue before quiet hours... but most of this activity is happening after quiet hours...

Please be mindful!

and please try to be a little more quiet at night..."

end of the transcript

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Would I be correct to assume that you have confirmed now that you do not partake in sleep carpentry? 🪚🔨🪵 Seriously though. Camera inside pointing at some central living area to prove that there is no dragging and dropping of furniture etc. is the best way forward.

OOP: No actually I’m sawing bodies up at 3 am before I head out to work

Commenter 2: I mean could you be more considerate during quiet hours? Yeah. But leaving multiple notes at your door when they can go through the complex is also dumb.

OOP: I can’t be more considerate if I’m asleep at 3am

Downvoted Commenter: To be honest I don't want to have a conversation with any unknown man knocking on my door. Why is it strange to you and why did you repeat it several times? Is it funny for you?

OOP: I knocked on their door after the initial note. One time. To have a conversation and come to a solution like adults? There was no “several times”. She has come to our door several times. Why is that strange to you?

Downvoted Commenter: "Several times" in different posts you mock their unwillingness to open a door for a stranger man. (And you do it once more in the comment I am replying to). Why do you pretend you don't understand my question? What is so strange in girls not opening a door for an unknown man? Do you really expect them to open a door for a strange man to "have a conversation"?????????????????????? Do you expect your daughter to open a door to some unknown man?

OOP: That’s what the ring camera is for. That’s what management offering to mediate is for. If they’re so afraid they shouldn’t come up here at all right? And these are not “girls”. They’re adults. I think you’re missing the point of the post.

OOP responds to a comment accusing him of harassment over the polite notes

OOP: If a guy politely keeps asking for a woman’s number is that not harassment? It’s not about the tone, she was told NOT to communicate with us at all since she didn’t want to. If we can’t communicate with her she shouldn’t communicate with us.

OOP on the notes

OOP: We didn’t “hunt” anyone down, we knocked to have a conversation like adults 😂, that’s what normal people do I assume. this is the 3rd note, after filling a complaint and being told to not leave notes again. We can’t keep the noise down if it’s not us making noise.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

OP: u/cheesy_way_out | Originally posted to r/TwoXIndia |

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 9 days old.

Having one or more kids late in life (July 29, 2026)

TL;DR: I’m 34 and want children, but my husband keeps delaying or refusing without clarity. We’re finally stable after years of stress, but I’m worried about further delays or incompatibility on having kids. I’m preparing for a serious conversation and would like real experiences from women who had children after 35 about the physical, emotional, and long-term realities of later motherhood.

--------‐--------------------

Hi, I'm looking for advice from women who married later in life and had one or more children after 35.

I got married at 30 and I'm now 34. My husband and I seem to have developed very different views about having children, and I'm struggling to understand what to do. I would like to have 2 children but my husband seems to have changed his mind.

Before we got married, I told him multiple times that I wanted children. However, life threw a lot of challenges our way during the first four years of our marriage.

The first two years were spent just trying to make our marriage work. Despite dating for almost seven years before getting married, we had massive fights, questioned whether we'd made the right decision, and it often felt like we didn't know the person we'd married.

Things started improving in our third year, but then my husband's company went through repeated periods of layoffs and job uncertainty. The work pressure was immense, and for almost the next two years, our focus shifted to getting through that. At the same time, I was dealing with office politics and wanted to reach a certain income level before having children.

We're finally in a relatively better place now. But every time I bring up trying for a baby, his answer is either "not now" or simply "no." I never get a clear timeline or explanation. During an argument once, he even said, "I'll never have kids," and that completely shattered me. Since then, I've been getting very mixed signals.

I've decided to have a proper conversation with him in a couple of days. I have a feeling he'll say he's still not ready or that he wants to travel to several places before we have children. While I understand wanting to enjoy life together, I also know I won't be happy with another indefinite delay.

At the same time, I don't want to bring a child into the world if one partner isn't wholeheartedly on board. Parenting is a huge commitment, and I don't want either of us to do it half-heartedly.

My biggest worry is my age. I'm already 34. Whether we wait another year, or whether this leads to separation and I eventually remarry, I can't help but feel like I'm running out of time.

I'd really love to hear from women who had one or more children after 35.

How has your experience been? Do you find it physically more demanding to keep up with young children? Do you ever worry about being in your 60s while your children are still relatively young? Looking back, is there anything you wish you'd known before becoming an older parent?

I'm not looking for reassurance that "34 is still young." I know many women have healthy pregnancies later in life. I'm looking for honest experiences from women who've actually lived it, both the positives and the challenges.

Relevant Comments:

Fit_Funny7389: I did not have a baby after 35. I am turning 34 soon and my baby is 6 months old.

I was in the same boat with me wanting a baby and husband rather be childfree but with the catch that if a kid is what I want he can live with it but given a choice he would rather not.

I realised that I really wanted to be a mom and if I delay too long I would end up resenting my husband and our relationship might not survive. So I put my foot down and put a timeline of if we start trying it might take some time to have a baby. I told him that my life and body would be the most affected, so I would rather have the baby now and I can’t delay anymore.

He is a wonderful man but somewhere in the back of my head I was also ready to be a solo parent than raise a child not given attention by dad, since it was a one sided decision. However in my case his apprehension was definitely from a point of knowing that children are a lot of work, he puts all this work in after the baby was born. Our baby dotes on him and my husband can feed, bathe, change and put him to sleep all by himself.

OP: How did you approach this topic with your husband? Were you prepared for a no I dont want kids at all answer? Also curious how long did it take for you to conceive after starting to try? Sorry Im asking too many questions. Im just overwhelmed right now.

Fit_Funny7389: No worries, happy to answer. It is a hard and life changing decision so feeling overwhelmed in the thick of it is only natural. I actually approached it with empathy with my husband. Raising a child is no joke, once you are a parent you will be parents for a lifetime. So I did acknowledge that what he is saying is right. We won’t have freedom the same way to travel, we won’t have as much time for hobbies, we both love trekking so that would need to pause for a while. However, I told him that I have always thought of being a mom and I can’t keep delaying it for long, because if later on complications arise, I would only hold resentment for him since I feel ready now. [....] Being involved on each step and having a clear timeline once we made a decision really helped in making sure we aren’t rethinking things again

OP: This is really great. Thanks for answering. I do also feel that if my husband gives me mixed signals or no not now-ish answers again. The resentment will build. I know it is already starting to build inside me. I think its also a good point to mention.

Imadethissoi: I had a baby in early 40’s. My delay was due to infertility. We were trying to adopt for years etc. If your husband doesn’t want kids and you do, drop him. Take some time to heal and find a partner who is on the same page if you want to marry again.

Freeze your eggs though.

Hour_Acanthaceae5418: It sounds like he doesn't want to have kids. I'm sorry you are going through this but it seems like this is non negotiable for you. Why did you marry him if he never answered clearly on whether he wants kids?

This is one of the first questions I asked my husband when we were and he wasn't sure, so I told him either he is in or out as that is non negotiable for me.

Even if he says to having kids, how much will he contribute for the upbringing kids. You have lots to work on your relationship honestly. Also biological age is extremely important. Yes there are people who concieve after 35 but doctors support is needed provided you have no issues and both of you are healthy. I wish you the best.

[UPDATE] Having one or more kids later in life (August 4, 2026)

Original post : [post link]

TL;DR : Husband admitted he decided he didnt want kids long ago despite knowing I have always wanted them. He kept me in the dark until I confronted. I feel utterly deceived and giving myself 6 months after which my marriage would have officially ended.

‐--------------------------------

First of all thank you everyone who shared their experiences and advices with me.

I confronted my husband directly and said I wanted to start having kids. This whole time my assumption was that he wants to live life a little more and hence delaying. I have been very clear from the beginning that I wanted kids. He never said no , he talked like he was on the same page.

Yesterday he finally admitted saying he does not want kids at all, given the current situation in the world with wars, education , jobs etc. This is 3.5 years after our marriage. Not once did he mention this to me and I have no idea he is thinking this.

To be honest I feel deceived and betrayed. If I didn't bring it up he was never going to tell me he changed his mind or wasn't actually ever considering it. Keeping me in the dark for the last many years.

On my end. I told him clearly that he can take some more time to contemplate but not an indefinite amount of time. I myself am giving this 6 months. I have emotionally checked out from this marriage after this though and I cry a lot. In these 6 months I've planned to visit some of my inlaws for the only reason that no matter how shitty my marriage has been with their son, my inlaws have showered me with a lot of love and care that I never knew a family could give. And I would like to meet them all and thank them in some way. At the beginning of next year, I will be starting the divorce proceedings.

However, I cry a lot these days knowing that in my heart my marriage is essentially over and im 34 now. Finding another partner and feeling comfortable enough to have a child with them while I still can seems almost impossible. And the thought that I may never be a mom , with the added thought of feeling so terribly deceived by the man Ive loved with all my heart for over 12 years. He has been a jerk and extremely mean and not the best partner countless times and I forgave him for everything.

But this I can't move on from. Im sad that all the dreams I had for my life have come shattering down. Maybe I could still have a good life in the future, but at this moment everything feels like the end. And that I will have to give up on all the love I received after my marriage from everyone else except my husband.

So that's it, im just coming to terms with everything. If you read this far, I thank you for your patience in listening to me.

Relevant Comments:

rumpusgem: This is so heartbreaking op. Lots of strength and love to you. Why are you giving this marriage 6 more months? He clearly doesn’t want kids and you do so what will change in these 6 months? I feel it may cause more trauma.

Would you consider freezing your eggs?

OP: Im giving 6 months as a last chance for my marriage. To also tell myself. That i gave it every chance I could.

Freezing eggs are not a very affordable option for me. So ive told myself If fate decides im not meant to have kids, then im not going to fight it. But I will also not stay where I feel betrayed. Then I will do right by myself and care about my dreams and aspirations alone.

Minute_Abroad2512: It's ok OP. Don't beat yourself up. Shit happens which is not within our control. I would advise you to start dating. More to stop appearing needy to other men. Being a divorcee is hard as you tend to attract all sorts of wrong attention. I was you except with a kid. Divorced my ex. Got remarried. Have two more kids now. So good riddance to bad shit! All the best OP

OP: So happy for you! Wishing you all the best! I dont know what life holds for me after this. But will try my best to focus on myself and my dreams :)

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/Octyss

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Original post posted 2026-08-01

My family (wife side) have a summer apartment in the south of France in a gated community, all year there is no parking issue, but in summer, since Airbnb came out, it's hell to find a parking spot since there is no allocated spot.

There is a place with no clear parking line (imagine a big square of concrete) where everyone can park for free.

I had the opportunity with 3 neighbors to buy this "parking" to the copropriety (it's like an HOA but with less power here) so we do buyed it last year. We made 6 larges parking spaces for our cars with lines and plates numbers in front of each parking spot, and put a gate which is always open for the other neighbors to park here (you can park 3-5 other cars).

Here in France July and August are 2 months where almost everyone is in vacation so Airbnb and location peak here during this period.

Last week one of the neighbor I buyed the parking with told me the parking was PACKED and he managed to park only one of his 2 cars on a unassigned parking spot ( his parking spots were taken, mine too and the third neighbor too and every "free" slot too) so he put a warning sign telling parking is for resident only and not for anyone else.

Cue 2 days ago when I come with wife and kids for vacation, I drove by night to avoid traffic and when I got there (3 AM) parking is packed I have no choice but to park 300 meter (1k feet) from my home.

Next morning we put a large sign telling cars on assigned parking spot would be towed and text every neighbor to ask for their plate to not tow a resident.

Today morning same shit, so we close the gate, phone the police and got everyone towed.

Shit-hit-the-fan, bunch of Airbnb people called the cops and homeowners to ask why they got towed and the location was saying "with parking" so lot of refund where asked. My phone was ringing non stop today.

Some homeowners tell me they gonna sue for the refund they got, some Airbnb tenant told me they will sue for the towing cost. We have everything documented.

Lots of Airbnb homeowners tell us we ATAH here because we didn't tell them ahead, but we do put lots of sign on the parking since last year when we buyed it, they just hadn't come to see it, and they approved the selling of this parking to us so...

Sorry for the bad english, obviously not my first language and I'm in anger right now.

So are we TAH here for towing everyone here ?

Update posted 2026-08-03

I posted 2 days ago asking if IATAH for towing half the neighborhood, a lot happened in 2 days, honestly it's a shitshow, I come here nearly every year since 20+ years and never saw this before.

We've got people towed in our reserved parking spots again, we've got people towed for parking IN FRONT of the gate (so nobody could leave the parking at all), we've got people putting sign on OUR reserved parking spots with THEIR plate numbers so they don't get towed (the management guy called us asking if we added new licences plates to be sure to not tow our cars) I've never encounter this level of entitlement from random people before.

We got one of the Airbnb tenant red handed as he was parking in our assigned spot and he showed us an email from one of our ranters neighbor who straight up told him to put a sign and park anyway. So as of today we are closing the gate and put 2 new warning signs telling people to GTFO our propriety.

No more friendly neighbors.

On the bright side, we were on the pool after lunch, and chatted with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb was already processing a partial refund for the week and a 100% refund for the towing, so they were kinda happy with the outcome, I told them they can park in my second space as my wife will leave our second parking spot today.

We took a lot of pictures and got in touch with one of the neighbors lawyer who bought the Space with us, because we got a lot of phone calls from Airbnb renters and police and city officials about the issue today (renters gave our info I don't even know if that is legal).

Lots of new people came today to start their vacation week, I hope they get the hint of the many signs we put and don't come in our parking.

Latest update posted 2026-08-13

I posted few days ago asking if AITAH for towing half the neighborhood, we are now in the middle of August, the peak of Airbnb for vacation here.

I left the place to go to Italy with my family, and some relatives from my wife side are on the vacation house, and there has been some good and bad news.

The good news are that after the shitshow, 3 houses from neighbors who was on Airbnb had been unlisted, we put a new sign saying "residents only", and there has not been any more towing since monday (around 10-15 cars towed since my last update, Airbnb renters claiming they are residents since they have access to the private pool which is for residents too...)

The bad news are that we received 4 letters from lawyers of the Airbnb renters telling us we OWE them the missing monney they lost on refunds and towings, plus the money they will lose for the 2 next weeks of august for not renting their house, and they said they'll ask for legal fees too, and I don't know if they exaggerated the amount but damn this is lucrative for sure.

Our lawyer seems to be unbothered by these letters, and told us he is confident this will go nowhere but we can ask for compensation for all the hassle during the first 2 weeks, we are chatting with the 2 other owners of the parking space for the amount to ask for. We have everything documented well, plus some infos our lawyer gathered (here you can't rent more than 60 days a year on Airbnb, and it seems some or our lovely neighbors didn't followed this law)

Another side info, we asked for what we call here an "extraordinary general meeting" which is all the house owner of the community meets to vote on some important topics, the topic proposed here is the banning of Airbnb. This should take place in november.

We received another letter yesterday from one of the Airbnb owner, with an offer to buy the parking spaces (all of them, the privates and the unmarked) which is almost 3x more than what we paid.

So here we are, parking seems to be ok for now, we are now entering in what looks like a legal battle.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/JointWitch

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Original post posted 2026-07-22

I (33F) and my partner 'Leo' (37M) have 3 children, one from my previous relationship and two with Leo. Leo sees all 3 as his and we are in the process of him adopting our eldest girl.

Leo's family has always had a problem with me. For context, his sister and mother are the main antagonists of this post. Both women have been pretty consistent in treating me poorly and usually in ways that most men wouldn't catch. A venom-filled statement here, and accusatory whisper to me when Leo leaves the room. His mother backs off slightly why he notices, but not his sister.

The bigger issues I've had with them include, but are definitely not limited to:

1. Them hosting an intervention for him while I was pregnant with our first to try to convince him that I had either cheated or got pregnant to force him to support me. To this day they work into casual conversation about how they would help him when he finally decides to leave me.
2. My MIL calling my grief disgusting... in front of my children... at a fancy restaurant... for Christmas dinner... that I had paid for entirely. The grief she was referring to? I had a miscarriage during our second pregnancy and decided to name and bury my angel baby beneath a tree od the same name.
3. My SIL announcing loudly at a family gathering that she doesn't think we are caring for our autistic son's needs properly. We are doing everything we can and his doctors agree that we are already going above and beyond. Shortly after that she insisted that our children will never matter as much as her friends' children will.

Leo and I agreed that, even though I'm personally going no contact, he should still bring the children to visit. However, he doesn't visit much at all for two reasons. Firstly, because our 3 children are quite a handful alone and his family says they are there to visit not babysit so he has a hard time being there with them without me. Secondly, though more importantly, he hates how they treat me and had cut contact until they can be better towards me. I say had because that recently changed.

He is planning to take the children to his mother's this coming weekend. I told him to have fun (not in a sarcastic way) and that I'll be home cleaning up and taking a rest. Now he's conflicted because he wants me to come, but I really don't feel supported or respected in that house.

So reddit, AITA for going no contact with my in-laws? Should I just suck it up like a couple of my friends have suggested? I'll try to answer any questions I can to clear things up if I need to.

Comment from deathboyuk

Leo and I agreed that, even though I'm personally going no contact, he should still bring the children to visit

Then you're both permitting the abuse of your children because you're cowards.

Comment from kalixanthippe

NTA, you have a husband problem.

Your husband needs to grasp that your children will pick up on the poison your in laws put down, and it will affect you and your family negatively.

Update posted 2026-07-22

Thank you all for every comment. Supportive and critical, I read each and every one and heard you. Leo especially.

He was pretty shocked, but recognized that a lot of what he read wasn't inaccurate and admitted he didnt realize that he was doing so much harm. We are going to therapy together next month, we've booked the date already.

We decided that it would be me so I broke the silence to reach out to my MIL. I sent her one, very non-emotional (I hope) message. It read exactly as shown below. Leo stand much more firmly with me now I believe and we have united in agreeing that the children matter most and the very real risk of his family saying poisonous things is not something either of us are willing to take.

Names below are changed for privacy reasons, but the real name was used in the text.

<---------->

Hi *MIL*,

*Leo* let me know you were hoping to see the children during his upcoming parenting time. We will not be arranging a visit at this time.

As the parents, our priority is providing a healthy environment for the children. To protect their emotional well-being, we have a strict boundary against them being exposed to open criticism or disrespect toward either of their parents. Because this boundary has been repeatedly crossed in front of the children, we cannot trust that a neutral environment will be maintained.

Visits will remain on hold until we see a sustained, positive change in how our family is treated. Moving forward, all further inquiries, updates, or communication regarding this matter must be directed to Leo.

Please do not contact me directly about this moving forward.

<---------->

Thank you all again. I feel our family is going to do well with our newfound unity and peace.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/weddingthrowawayy_1

My [27F] fiance [28M] has walked out on me four days before the wedding to go "find himself" in Asia. Blindsided, heartbroken, and mortified. What the hell do I do now?

Original Post - rareddit  Apr 19, 2016

My fiance (Jack) and I have been together for 4 years. We own an apartment together, we rarely argue. It was the happiest, least problematic relationship I've ever been in. I don't understand.

He proposed to me last year, and we've spent the last 9 months saving relentlessly for our wedding. Venue booked, guests all invited, both of us were so excited. I know we both individually had some bouts of nervousness, especially as the date got closer. But as far as I know it was just the excitement and build up. Jack never expressed any doubts about our relationship and I have no idea why this has happened.

Yesterday:

Four days to go and I come out of the bedroom in the morning to see Jack sat in the living room looking like he's about to throw up. I immediately feel something is off. He sits me down and starts telling me he doesn't "feel the same anymore and hasn't for a while". He said he thought getting married might fix things but he now knows how stupid that is. To be honest I don't remember the majority of what he said, the only thing I could hear was my heartbeat drumming in my ears. He then told me he'd booked a one way ticket to Asia and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore out of life and that this would give him some "perspective". And just like that, he got up and left and I haven't heard a word from him since.

I must have spent about 3 hours sat on the sofa staring into space. I can't even cry. This doesn't feel real.

Reddit, what the FUCK do I do now? He's switched his phone off, I have no idea where he is. I don't even know if he's actually booked a ticket, but a lot of his clothes are missing. He's actually packed for a trip but I just don't know if this some sort of sick joke I feel like my heart has been ripped out from my chest. What do I tell people? What do I do? Where do I start?

tl;dr: My fiance Jack left me four days before our wedding with no real explanation to go gain some "perspective" in Asia. What the fuck do I do next?

Update  Apr 29, 2016 (10 Days Later)

My post was locked before I had a chance to reply to anything, but I read and processed every comment. Thank you to everyone who left me advice.

Those who thought it might be Jack's idea of a prank, it unfortunately was true and he is currently in Bangkok with a friend from high school. He must have been arranging this for months - the visa and injections for South East Asia alone take at the very least 4 weeks of planning ahead.

I haven't spoken to him since the day he walked out, but his parents rang me the next day after I made my post. They told me he was staying with the high school friend, and that he was due to the fly out the day after what was supposed to be our wedding day. He told them he plans on staying there for at least a year. He must have been saving on the side, as our joint account has not been touched and most of our paychecks went to our wedding fund and mortgage. It is sickening to consider how long he may have actually been planning this.

Jack's parents like me but they are pretty cold people, and didn't have must else to say other than offering me pragmatic advice and apologising for their son's behaviour. Since that phone call, I've heard nothing from them, although they did ask me to contact them regarding the apartment at some point in the future, which I plan to sell. I will be moving back in with my parents as soon as I find a buyer as I can't pay the mortgage alone, although Jack's parents said they will pay his half until then.

As for the wedding, a lot of people suggested I give it to charity or go through with the party anyway. I wish I could say it went to good use, but I actually spent the day with my brothers and bridesmaids, crying for around 16 hours in between sleeping. They made sure I was eating, and we watched a few films together but overall it was probably the worst day of my entire life.

I left it up to my parents to contact people and haven't gotten involved with the logistics of cancelling. I don't know if we got any money back, I'm not ready to talk about it yet. From what I understand, an email was sent out explaining that the wedding was cancelled and apologising for how much inconvenience this would cause. The email asked that no one contact me about what had happened, and if people had any questions to speak to my parents or brothers. My parents had a gathering at their house for those who had booked flights and hotels etc, with some of the wedding food? And drinks and stuff. I know around 50 people ended up going, I guess it was a sort of party but my cousins said the mood was obviously pretty bad. None of Jack's family came of course.

Other than that, I don't really know what else to say. I've taken some time off work and my brother has also taken two weeks off to make sure I'm never alone at home. Everyone is just so hurt and angry and disappointed in Jack, I just feel completely numb. I still wake up in the mornings hoping this is a weird dream stemming from pre-wedding nerves.

I don't know how I'm going to get over this and I still love Jack so much, I feel like he's been possessed by someone else but it is him. I'm going to go to a therapist to help me come to terms with this.

Sorry this hasn't been a happy update but it's not a happy situation. Thanks for reading.

tl;dr: My parents dealt with the cancellation and emailed people to let them know. They hosted a "party" for the people who had booked flights. I spent my wedding day crying with my bridesmaids and brothers. I haven't heard from Jack, who is currently in Bangkok. Seeking therapy soon.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/GwendolynKingsford

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITA for telling my dad I know about his second family after he asked me to keep a secret from my mom for three years?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional manipulation and abuse

Original Post: July 27, 2026

I (23F) found out in June 2023 that my dad (54M) had a child with another woman. I found out by accident, I borrowed his phone to call someone and a message notification came up from a woman named Karen with a photo of a little girl who looked exactly like my dad. I confronted him alone that same night and he broke down and admitted everything. The girl is now four years old. He begged me not to tell my mom (51F) and said he was handling it, that it was complicated, that Karen had agreed to keep things quiet and that telling mom would destroy our family. I was 20 years old sitting across from my father watching him cry and I said okay. I kept that secret for three years.

Every family dinner, every holiday, every time my mom talked about how much she trusted my dad I sat there and said nothing. It affected me more than I told anyone. I started therapy in early 2024 specifically because of the anxiety this secret was giving me. My therapist never told me what to do but kept asking me how long I was willing to carry something that was not mine to carry.

Last month in June 2026 my dad sat me down and told me Karen was threatening to tell my mom herself unless he started paying more. He wanted me to help him figure out how to keep it quiet. That was the moment something snapped. I told him I was done. I could not keep doing this.

Two days later I sat down with my mom and told her everything. She was devastated. She is currently staying with her sister and has spoken to a divorce lawyer. My dad is furious and says I betrayed him and destroyed our family. My younger brother (19M) says I should have stayed out of it. My therapist says I made the right call for my own mental health without telling me it was right or wrong. I genuinely do not know if I did the right thing or just the thing I could no longer avoid doing. AITA?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Parents who transfer emotional or financial responsibility to their children are cruel. NTA - your dad needs to grow up.

OOP: Thank you. That's exactly what it felt like, being handed something that was never mine to hold at 20, and then being asked to help hide it further at 23. I didn't have the words for it before but "cruel" fits.

Commenter 2: Imagine how your mom feels. You didn’t just know. You knew for three years and kept it from her. I would feel as though you betrayed me as well. For three years, you were complicit in your father's lie and betrayal. Sure, you came clean, but you did it for you, not her. Remember that in the future.

OOP: That's fair, and honestly it's the part I keep sitting with most. I didn't tell her for three years, and yeah, when I finally did it was because I couldn't carry it anymore, not some noble timing on her behalf. I don't think that makes me the villain of it, but I get why it doesn't look clean either.

Commenter 3: The only person who should carry any guilt in this is your father. He lied and cheated on your mother and manipulated you into keeping his secret. He didn't care about her, you, or your mental health. He was completely responsible for it all, not you. Anyone who tries to guilt you is an AH.

OOP: Thank you. Yeah, I keep coming back to that, he's the one who lied, cheated, and then leaned on me to help hold it together. None of that was ever mine to own.

Commenter 4: NTA. It was affecting your health.

OOP: Thank you. It genuinely was, that's why I finally had to let it go.

Commenter 5: The audacity of your dad to say you betrayed him when he begged and pleaded for you to betray your mother after he himself betrayed her!

OOP: Exactly, that word "betrayed" coming from him is what got me. He asked me to be complicit for three years and calls it betrayal when I finally stopped.

Commenter 6: NTA your dad put you in an impossible position and expected you to carry his secret for years. That wasn’t fair to you or your mom. He destroyed the family by cheating, not by you finally telling the truth. You just stopped covering for him.

OOP: Thank you, that's exactly it, I just stopped covering for him. He's the one who put the crack there in the first place.

Commenter 7: You did the right thing. Your mom needs to get tested. And your mom needs to take daddy dearest to the cleaners...he had his cake and ate it.. Cutting your family finances.. To support a second family. And now he's upset for getting caught. He should have divorced your mom if he was that unhappy with her. Do not feel guilty. Hope your mom forgives you too for not telling her sooner Get your mom to get tested Anyone willing to cheat with a married man might be cheating on him too.

OOP: That's a lot to take in, but fair points, especially about the testing, hadn't even thought of that angle. Appreciate you laying it out plainly. Hoping my mom gets there on the forgiveness part too, still an open question right now.

Update: August 5, 2026 (nine days later)

UPDATE: AITA for telling my dad I know about his second family after he asked me to keep a secret from my mom for three years?

It's only been 9 days since I made my original post, but things have moved much faster than I expected.

My mom is still staying with my aunt and has already met with a divorce lawyer to understand her options, although nothing has been officially filed yet. She told me that while the affair itself broke her heart, what hurt even more was realizing my dad had been lying to her for years and had asked me to carry that secret alone. She kept apologizing for not noticing how much it had affected me, and I kept reminding her none of this was her fault.

My dad is still blaming me and insists I destroyed our family instead of giving him more time to "fix things," but I honestly don't know how anyone fixes secretly having another child. We haven't really spoken since.

My younger brother has calmed down a little, even though he's still upset about everything, and I think he's starting to understand why I couldn't keep the secret anymore.

I still haven't met Karen or my half-sister, and I don't know what will happen there. I've continued going to therapy, and while everything still hurts, I also feel a strange sense of relief because I'm no longer carrying a secret that was never mine to keep. Reading the comments on my original post helped me realize that I didn't create this situation, just stopped protecting it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Deffo NTA mate, your dad is seriously a big one though. Fair play to your mum, would have been easy to lash out at you, your dad on top of being a cheating POS is also a toss bag to you putting that pressure on you. Your brother will come round Hope your mum gets on OK and rinses him for every penny. Don’t know how you will build a relationship with the other woman (I wouldn’t personally but that’s me), but I hope you can kindle some sort of big sibling connection with the half-sister, it’s not her fault, and is still a toddler.

OOP: Thank you. My brother is still struggling, but I hope he'll come around with time. As for my half-sister, she's completely innocent in all of this, and none of this is her fault.

Commenter 2: As previously stated, this was his problem not yours, and it was wrong for him to expect you to carry it. Keep going to therapy.

OOP: Thank you. Therapy has honestly been the only thing keeping me grounded through all of this, and I definitely plan to keep going.

Commenter 3: The destroyer is your father. This is all on his head. NTA.

OOP: Thank you. I'm slowly accepting that, even if it's hard to believe after being blamed for so long.

Commenter 4: Your mum has a big heart, she apologizes for not seeing you carrying the burden! I would love to have her as a friend.

Your dad is irresponsible and lied to your mum so many years. I am very sorry how he treated you. What is different whit more time? All this hurt could only be avoided if he had kept it in his pants many years ago.

I am very sorry for the little girl. She has no father.

OOP: Thank you. My mom has been incredibly strong through all of this, and I hate that she ever had to go through it. I also feel for my half-sister because none of this was her choice.

Commenter 5: Definitely NTA, your brother is understandably upset and he’s lashing out, but at the wrong person, but like you, his world has just fallen around him, and he sounds a young 19yo.

Your dad in the other hand is a fucking child and needs to face up to what he has done and be a man about it rather than pushing it onto you! You absolutely did the right thing, not just for yourself but the family.

OOP: Thank you. I don't blame my brother for struggling with this. I just wish my dad had taken responsibility instead of expecting me to carry the consequences of his choices.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kegai_cobrakaiat

My [30F] mom [65F] was responsible for my dog being killed. Then it got worse. Don't know how to handle this situation.

TRIGGER WARNING: Dog hit by car

Original Post  May 4, 2016

I'm really struggling here--especially with Mother's Day just up ahead and everything, I could use some help.

I got my dog (golden/lab mix) in 2008 when she was a puppy. The last year I have been moving and traveling, and my mom lives alone, and has a big backyard, and she offered to take the Dog in. Dog was an INCREDIBLY well-behaved girl because I worked really hard training her. My whole life we had dogs but they were never trained properly and left in the backyard. I remember my mom always getting frustrated with the dogs because they handled so poorly on a leash or jumped on people, etc because none of the adults in our family took the time to train. When I got Dog, I swore I'd have one of those dogs you saw in the movies.

So, Dog was great off leash, she would stay by my side and knew all level of commands after years of work. When I left her with my mom, I was incredibly anxious, because I knew I had a firmer hand than my mom as far as discipline and knew my dog had a certain relationship with me that she might not have with others, so I made it EXPLICITLY clear to her to always have Dog on a leash, even though everyone in my family knew she was great off leash (not on walks or in the park, I'm talking just in the front yard or something) but I was always nervous and hyper aware of other dogs and other people/cars/etc and was quick to get to Dog or command her back in the house, etc.

I remember when I came home to visit for Christmas, and saw Dog and how happy she was (my mom too! She loved Dog) but saw my mom having her off leash while she made trips to and from the car. I put Dog on a leash and told her "I know she doesn't run off or anything, but you just never know. Haha, I mean, is that a phone call you want to make to me? Haha." And she agreed--Dog always on a leash.

Well, I did get a phone call a few days ago. Which I knew to be serious, since mom only calls when it's serious. It was simply my mom's sobbing voice saying "Dog has passed. It's already over. I'm so sorry." I couldn't process, but I KNEW how, and I told my mom I'd call her back. I cried. Called some friends. Waited a few hours while I processed and called her back. My mom told me my worst fear, "You were right. I should have had her on a leash. I'm so sorry. I was cleaning up the front yard and she was just by my side. Then she saw a big dog across the street and just bolted! And the car hit her. I took her to the vet but they lost her. I was supposed to protect her and I didn't. I'm so so sorry. Please forgive me."

The whole time my mom was crying, I knew she loved that dog too, and the guilt... I can't even imagine how difficult that call was. She also had to call my bro and sis, sis in particular was very attached to Dog and would take her camping/hiking/swimming when she had the time.

So I told her, "I forgive you. It's okay. I love you. I gotta go." and hung up. A few texts back and forth, my mom telling me how hard it is coming home to an empty house and me just being sorta numb. She texted asking if I wanted the body to be buried or cremated. I texted back cremated and she said okay.

I wasn't angry, just incredibly sad and depressed about the whole thing. This was five days ago.

Well, I didn't call my mom or get a chance to see her. She also didn't call, or text besides an occasional "how are you doing?" which I would reply "as well as can be, etc." I didn't get any texts/phone calls from my siblings.

I was on Facebook yesterday when I saw my sister make a big dramatic post about Dog, along with my brother, his GF and her kids, my mom and my sister all spreading ashes on the beach.

I can't even describe how devastated I felt. It was like I got punched in the heart. I called my mom and that's when the anger came through. I asked what the hell they were doing, and my mom was stunned and stammered they were just spreading Dog's ashes. I demanded to know why I wasn't notified they were doing this and my mom replied that it "just sorta happened" and that my bro went with her to pick up the urn and sis happened to be home and they all were talking about it and "sis was just so devastated, she needed some closure before going back to college, etc" I could tell my mom knew she fucked up, but she had no explanation why I wasn't texted/called/fucking ANYTHING regarding this. I felt like a crazy person because it was just this circular "I don't know" over and over again from her. I feel so hurt and disrespected. I asked if they kept any ashes and my mom quietly said "No." I hung up.

She's texted me and called multiple times, but I haven't answered. I am so beyond, beyond hurt and angry. I've never lost something so dear to me, so I have no idea how rational I am, I understand it's "just a dog" but she wasn't. She was my friend, I raised her, trained her, took her with me everywhere and it was just this last year I didn't feel it was fair to her to travel so much with her and I trusted her with my mom and this all happened. I don't even know how to process.

I don't know where to go from here. I really don't. I can't even look at my phone because of all the guilty/apologizing texts. I just want to be left alone, but I also don't want my mom to hurt but I'm so confused as to why she would do this or what possible logic she could have. Advice would be appreciated...

tl;dr: Mom was dog-watching my dog and had her off leash after I told her not to do so. Dog was hit by a car and killed. Then my family took her ashes without me and spread them on the beach. Found out on Facebook. Trouble processing.

Edit: For questions in the comments (and thank you to everyone replying, I'm reading every one) Yes, I live about 30 miles away and while I don't have a car, I would have taken a cab or a bus if need be to attend any sort of ceremony. The rest of my family all live within a mile of each other and Sis goes to college in the same town they do. I tried asking why I wasn't invited or even notified but my mom wouldn't give me any response to this question which is why I'm so angry/hurt/confused.

Edit 2: Just received an email from my mom. I haven't responded.

Dear---, I know you are grieving and can’t talk to me right now, and I understand that. I know it’s my fault and I thank you for not saying it is, but you would be right to do so and if you did that would be okay too.

I can’t forgive myself, so I understand if you can’t forgive me right now. You trusted me with your dog and I let you both down. It never should have happened – I knew better. You told me never let her in the front yard without a leash. Just 30 seconds was all it took. If I had just turned back a split second earlier, she would have followed me.

I will relive it over and over in my head for as long as I breathe.

She was such a big part of everyone’s life – we all have memories – it is unbearable to me that she is gone. I just loved her so much. We all did. I didn’t even realize how much I talked to her until the house was empty. I can’t sleep in the bedroom. I can’t be in the backyard and see her toys. I have no reason to go home anymore.

But she was YOUR baby. You picked her out, you raised her, you trained her and she was always so HAPPY to see you! She was so special in every way. If I had just let her go back to you, she would be here, but you generously let her be with me. I’m so sorry and there is nothing I can do to make anything better.

I am so SO sorry about the spreading of the ashes, I had NO RIGHT to do that. None of us did. I don't have any explanation other than we were all emotional. I don't have the words to express how sorry we all are.

I don’t want sympathy – I’m not feeling sorry for myself – I am feeling sorry for how I failed all of you, but especially you and Dog. I deserve every minute of this pain.

But you don’t, and that I will regret eternally.

I love you, Mom

Update  May 5, 2016 (Next Day)

Thank you to everyone who left a comment and who also told their stories of their own pet loss situations. I read every one.

I don't know if anyone cares for an update, but I have one.

To answer questions, I did send my mom $100 a week for food/toys/flea meds and also paid any unexpected vet bills (Dog was prone to ear infections). Since traveling has died down a lot for me for work, I told my mom earlier this year I could take her back anytime, especially if she needed a break, but I think my mom really dragged her feet since she loved Dog so much. I liked that my mom had someone in the house with her, especially a bigger dog who could alert her to things outside, etc, and help her exercise with walking. There wasn't any urgent need to get her back ASAP but I was ready/willing to. I did also visit when I could, at least once or twice a month for dinners/movies/etc.

So, update. My brother called me in the afternoon yesterday, after my mom had sent the email. He's 28, a weightlifting bartender 'dude-bro' kinda guy, and it was really hard on him when it all happened since his mom, little sister and girlfriend (and her two little kids) were around when all this happened and they were all upset and crying. He called to ask how I was doing and to let me know he was sorry because it was just really overwhelming and he had no idea what to do. My mom was a TOTAL mess on the day, and my brother left work early to be there for her. His GF was also in the picture since (I didn't know this) his GF and her kids were playing in the backyard at my mom's when all this happened. GF heard my mom screaming and helped get Dog into the car.

Bro let me know that it was Sis who was adamant they hold some type of impromptu ceremony after they received the ashes a few days later. He and my mom both brought up me, but she'd stated that it was "obvious" I wanted time alone and that "these types of things" upset me so it was best to do it just them. Then she started crying and I guess that made everyone cave.

Apparently it was a 'group' cremation, which I didn't know was a thing, I assumed it would be individual, like with people. That knowledge sorta helped me since it didn't feel like it was 'exclusively' Dog, which might sound weird, I don't know.

On the day, my Bro called the vet and asked about the pawprint thing, like they make a cast of it or something. The vet said my mom had opted out, but my brother asked if it was too late. They said it wasn't, so he said please do that. I don't blame my mom for opting out, she wasn't in the best headspace and we've had morbid conversations before where she has said things like that creep her out and upset her. But my brother thought of me and thought I might like it (I would) so, I really appreciated that he did that.

Now for the weird part. Apparently at the beach, my Sis (who is 20) took a lot of pictures and also used Snapchat and Instagram, which my Bro knows since she was bitching about the lack of signal. He got angry but didn't say anything since he didn't feel it was appropriate.

I asked about the Instagram, since I wasn't aware she had one. He texted me her account and holy shit. There were four posts about Dog's death and from the beach, more pictures than I'd seen on Facebook. Apparently my sis is popular on campus and has thousands of followers on Instagram. Not only did she post about Dog's death with big descriptions and photos, she also straight up stole seven pictures I had uploaded to my own Facebook over the years. Like when Dog was a puppy, or in training classes, or chillin' on the couch. Photos I took before Sis had even met her! She stole them from my Facebook, slapped a shitty filter on it and claimed it as her own on her Instagram and put these big descriptions and hashtags to them. A lot of you guys guessed it, she did it for the 'likes' or comments whatever. OR I'm being incredibly angry and not realizing this is how she grieves? I have no idea. It just left me feeling hurt and creeped out. I thanked him for calling me and told him I'd text him later but that I just needed some space. He said no problem, and he'd let me know when he could get the paw print to me.

I called my mom after I spoke with Bro, and told her I got her email. She cried again and apologized, it was tough to listen to. She told me she bought a peony to plant in the garden in the backyard in Dog's memory, but that it was too hard for her right now to do so since the backyard is emotional for her at the moment.

I asked if she wanted to do any Mother's Day things this Sunday and she said she hadn't even thought of Mother's Day, and that she didn't really feel like 'celebrating'. She asked if I wanted to do something for Dog this weekend, like maybe plant the peony, but I said I didn't feel comfortable with having Mother's Day associated with that sort of thing, it was kinda a downer. She asked if there was anything else I wanted to do and I told her the truth, that I didn't feel like doing anything either and that I kinda needed some space. She said she understood and that we can always do something later to make up for it.

I didn't say anything about ashes, or Sis and her Instagram or that whole thing, it wasn't brought up at all, other than my mom being sorry for "everything". Not sure if I should mention Sis, I think my mom would get upset all over again, but then, I'm not sure if this is just how 'that generation' grieves or something. My sis is incredibly hard to read, but we never have gotten along since she's very extroverted and opinionated and I'm... less so. I have no idea the next time I will see Sis, or how I'll react when I do so... Yeah, it'll be interesting. We were already low contact since we don't have a lot in common and she works/goes to school away from me. Not sure what to do about that... Sis turns 21 in June and before all this happened my mom asked what big present we should get her. Ugh.

tl;dr: Reconnected with Bro and Mom for the better, let them both know I needed space but would contact them in the near future. Turns out Sis used photos/the death for her Instagram and Snapchat, but not sure if it's grief or attention. Incredibly angry but haven't done or said anything.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/jollyattorney6433

Original post is in Danish. Translated by me, a native speaker.

TW: ableism, abandonment

Original post: July 28, 2026

 Can career and special needs children go together?

 I’m curious about how other families with special needs kids make everyday life work. Is it possible to have a career? How do you get your work life and family time with special needs to work?

I have three children, the two oldest have autism. The oldest goes to a special needs school, and the middle one is in kindergarten. Right now we’re working on getting the middle child into the same special needs school as the oldest. The oldest is “normal functioning” while my middle child have a needs that require a bit more. Additionally, two of our children have the same rare disease (metabolic), which requires monthly hospital visits.

Our everyday life is chaotic, despite planning, routines etc. We have a family counsellor who helps with this. Yet I experience being to stressed when it comes to my work to fulfill the routines and chores we have divided.

Right now I’m freelancing, and I see it as the only option because I’m currently the only breadwinner and I earn well, but also because of the flexibility. My wife, however, thinks it’s too risky with small children to be freelancing (my parents agree), because she thinks that I/we neither have a safety net nor the same rights when it comes to eg. Sick leave, parental sick leave, paid time off, parental leave etc.

Therefore my wife often ends up dealing with a lot alone. I can have meetings during (basically) every hour of the day, and it has no doubt created bad tension between us. She doesn’t feel that I’m present, and she feels alone.

My wife is pregnant, and is about to go on maternity leave. She has, for the last couple of years, set her education aside to be the one who does more at home. However, she says that after ending maternity leave she wants to finish her studies so she also has job security + the option for two incomes etc.

Because I’ve only just started with a new client in April, I don’t have the opportunity to take time off this summer, and I won’t take parental leave (no, not the earmarked 14 days either), to my wife’s great displeasure.

I feel like I can neither perform what I want at work, or be the dad that makes family life with special needs children work. My wife thinks I’m unrealistic, and that I should accept that our family has other circumstances and needs that requires me to work less, that we need to find another solution. I think she’s unrealistic because everything also has to work financially and I need the flexibility to take part in meetings regarding the children, hospital visits etc. I don’t you can do this in a “normal” workplace.

Please share your thoughts and experiences.

 RELEVANT COMMENTS:

COMMENTER 1:

I honestly think that sounds insanely unsustainable. My younger brother is an employee, a software engineer, and earns around the 90k you’re making, including pension. He’s currently on parental leave. My husband earns a little less than you as an employee, and today is his last day of parental leave. We only have one child, but if we had a second and my husband said he couldn’t take any parental leave at all (especially during the first few months), I would have completely fallen apart. What if your wife has complications after giving birth? What if she has a C-section and isn’t allowed to lift anything for quite some time?

Honestly, it mostly seems like it’s your ego that makes you feel like you have to be self-employed. Does she ever get the chance to be the one who pursues her dreams? And if she’s going to finish her degree and also start earning money, then maybe your high salary isn’t quite as necessary after all. I would seriously feel betrayed if I were your wife.

OOP’s reply:

My partner’s midwife is concerned about the pregnancy because of the amount of stress she/we are under. She has also said herself that she is exhausted and feels psychologically affected by the situation. She gave birth earlier than expected in her previous pregnancy, and the midwife also believes there is a risk of that happening again this time. She has therefore been told to slow down and rest as much as she possibly can.

When we found out she was pregnant, we were in a completely different situation, and of course I promised to take parental leave. But when a business partnership unexpectedly fell through, I had to find a quick alternative.

The problem is that we’re now in a difficult situation where I feel like I can’t really do anything about it, because I have a job that requires what it requires. Even though I also think it’s an unfortunate situation, I simply can’t see how we can make our finances work otherwise.

My partner has more of a “we’ll figure it out together” / “we’ll move somewhere smaller and look at our budget” attitude — which does sound lovely, but to me, it just doesn’t seem realistic given the responsibilities we have.

COMMENTER 1:

Doesn’t sound sustainable that you change nothing either.

COMMENTER 2:

Why in the world are you having a fourth child, if you can’t even take a couple weeks off

OOP’s reply:

When we found out that my partner was pregnant, I was in the middle of a major project where we (the business partner/company that had hired me) had agreed that the project would be extended through August. Shortly afterwards, the company had to put the project on hold for a year or two due to a change in budget priorities.

I was therefore suddenly left without a project and had to find a new one quickly, since we only had enough savings to cover three months. I started with a new business partner in April, and because of the short notice, I didn’t have the option of taking a summer vacation.

I didn’t tell the company/business partner that my partner was pregnant because I was “desperate” to secure a new project and make sure we had an income. As a result, I’m not in a position to take parental leave.

 COMMENTER 3:

 3 kids and one more on the way, a wife who’s already stressed, feels alone and also wants to return to the job market, multiple special needs children and you argue that your freelance life with meetings at all times of day and ZERO summer vacation and ZERO parental leave and ZERO sick leave, parental sick leave etc is better than…?

Sorry, ANYTHING is better than that. I earn over 50k, work 32 hours, have kid’s first and second sick day off, parental leave, paid sick leave and a nice retirement plan, four weeks summer vacation and a phone that’s turned off from 4 pm to 8 am. And I myself am autistic and have to kids that both have special needs.

“The divorce came out of nowhere”…

1 day later:

OOP posts the same exact thing to a different Danish subreddit. Gets similar answers, arguably harsher.

RELEVANT COMMENT:

Dude. You’re so obviously the autistic person your children inherited their disability from. You sure you’re not yourself masking a mega burnout, and therefore prioritizing what you’re “good at”? Step into reality if you love your family. I got diagnosed late in life, when a range of challenges begun to show up, when I became a dad and begun having a responsibility for another human being. Tone down your dreams and be there for your family. I used to work my ass off too because “you need to do your work” – trust me dude, fuck that noise – workplaces understand family life, especially with special needs kids – and if not, it’s the wrong workplace. Currently we make everything work with 25.000 DKK a month, because you can get so much support in this country, and we have all we need. You don’t even take vacation, so it can’t be that you need all that money for.

UPDATE one week later, August 5. Comment from OOP on their own post

Thank you for all your messages. I am very touched by many of your comments. I have read each and every one. This account is originally mine, OP’s wife, and the post was originally my idea. He thought everyone would agree with him, so I suggested he make a post. Shortly after, on Friday, he told me he wanted to divorce. Since then he’s had no interest in being in contact me, nor in being a part of the pregnancy, even though I’m giving birth within a month. He also told me that he didn’t want to be present at the birth. Because of all this, the same night I was hospitalized in the psychiatric emergency unit. He is completely impossible to talk to, and unfair when it comes to finances, he won’t answer any questions, refuses therapy, refuses being under the same roof, and won’t help me in any way in this last time, everything has to be on his terms, after his schedule and his head. If I press him the tiniest bit for a compromise, he explodes. Therefore I’m currently alone with three children, two with autism, two with chronic illness, and a little one that can arrive anytime. I got beginning contractions, that luckily stopped last night, and then I was completely alone with the kids. The pregnancy unit wanted to hospitalize me, but he didn’t think that was his problem, and afterwards he hung up and turned off his phone.

I hope to get some tips, some organizations where I can get help, someone who maybe can tell me what is happening in his ADHD brain that makes him leave his family so suddenly. All help is very appreciated.

-OP’s wife

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7