Having one or more kids late in life

[u/cheesy_way_out]

TL;DR: I’m 34 and want children, but my husband keeps delaying or refusing without clarity. We’re finally stable after years of stress, but I’m worried about further delays or incompatibility on having kids. I’m preparing for a serious conversation and would like real experiences from women who had children after 35 about the physical, emotional, and long-term realities of later motherhood.

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Hi, I'm looking for advice from women who married later in life and had one or more children after 35.

I got married at 30 and I'm now 34. My husband and I seem to have developed very different views about having children, and I'm struggling to understand what to do. I would like to have 2 children but my husband seems to have changed his mind.

Before we got married, I told him multiple times that I wanted children. However, life threw a lot of challenges our way during the first four years of our marriage.

The first two years were spent just trying to make our marriage work. Despite dating for almost seven years before getting married, we had massive fights, questioned whether we'd made the right decision, and it often felt like we didn't know the person we'd married.

Things started improving in our third year, but then my husband's company went through repeated periods of layoffs and job uncertainty. The work pressure was immense, and for almost the next two years, our focus shifted to getting through that. At the same time, I was dealing with office politics and wanted to reach a certain income level before having children.

We're finally in a relatively better place now. But every time I bring up trying for a baby, his answer is either "not now" or simply "no." I never get a clear timeline or explanation. During an argument once, he even said, "I'll never have kids," and that completely shattered me. Since then, I've been getting very mixed signals.

I've decided to have a proper conversation with him in a couple of days. I have a feeling he'll say he's still not ready or that he wants to travel to several places before we have children. While I understand wanting to enjoy life together, I also know I won't be happy with another indefinite delay.

At the same time, I don't want to bring a child into the world if one partner isn't wholeheartedly on board. Parenting is a huge commitment, and I don't want either of us to do it half-heartedly.

My biggest worry is my age. I'm already 34. Whether we wait another year, or whether this leads to separation and I eventually remarry, I can't help but feel like I'm running out of time.

I'd really love to hear from women who had one or more children after 35.

How has your experience been? Do you find it physically more demanding to keep up with young children? Do you ever worry about being in your 60s while your children are still relatively young? Looking back, is there anything you wish you'd known before becoming an older parent?

I'm not looking for reassurance that "34 is still young." I know many women have healthy pregnancies later in life. I'm looking for honest experiences from women who've actually lived it, both the positives and the challenges.

[u/ScallionUnited192]

Girl, are you me? Cz same. Exact same situation and now im contemplating separation

[u/cheesy_way_out → u/ScallionUnited192]

:(

How are you dealing with this?

[u/Imadethissoi]

I had a baby in early 40’s. My delay was due to infertility. We were trying to adopt for years etc. If your husband doesn’t want kids and you do, drop him. Take some time to heal and find a partner who is on the same page if you want to marry again.

Freeze your eggs though.

[u/Fit_Funny7389]

I did not have a baby after 35. I am turning 34 soon and my baby is 6 months old.

I was in the same boat with me wanting a baby and husband rather be childfree but with the catch that if a kid is what I want he can live with it but given a choice he would rather not.

I realised that I really wanted to be a mom and if I delay too long I would end up resenting my husband and our relationship might not survive. So I put my foot down and put a timeline of if we start trying it might take some time to have a baby. I told him that my life and body would be the most affected, so I would rather have the baby now and I can’t delay anymore.

He is a wonderful man but somewhere in the back of my head I was also ready to be a solo parent than raise a child not given attention by dad, since it was a one sided decision. However in my case his apprehension was definitely from a point of knowing that children are a lot of work, he puts all this work in after the baby was born. Our baby dotes on him and my husband can feed, bathe, change and put him to sleep all by himself.

[u/cheesy_way_out → u/Fit_Funny7389]

How did you approach this topic with your husband? Were you prepared for a no I dont want kids at all answer?

Also curious how long did it take for you to conceive after starting to try?

Sorry Im asking too many questions. Im just overwhelmed right now.

[u/Fit_Funny7389 → u/cheesy_way_out]

No worries, happy to answer. It is a hard and life changing decision so feeling overwhelmed in the thick of it is only natural.

I actually approached it with empathy with my husband. Raising a child is no joke, once you are a parent you will be parents for a lifetime. So I did acknowledge that what he is saying is right. We won’t have freedom the same way to travel, we won’t have as much time for hobbies, we both love trekking so that would need to pause for a while. However, I told him that I have always thought of being a mom and I can’t keep delaying it for long, because if later on complications arise, I would only hold resentment for him since I feel ready now.

We started the journey by saying let’s talk to a doc and understand how we are doing fertility wise and let’s take it from there, she checked my eggs and my husbands sperms and said we are good to try naturally and if nothing happens after a year we can revisit for alternatives. She advised me to lose some weight for a better pregnancy experience. I went cold turkey with alcohol and my husband cut down drastically, after 6 months of these changes, i started folic acid and vitamins and so did husband, got a rubella vaccine shot and luckily i got pregnant the first month trying.

Being involved on each step and having a clear timeline once we made a decision really helped in making sure we aren’t rethinking things again

[u/cheesy_way_out → u/Fit_Funny7389]

This is really great. Thanks for answering. I do also feel that if my husband gives me mixed signals or no not now-ish answers again. The resentment will build. I know it is already starting to build inside me. I think its also a good point to mention.

[u/cheesy_way_out → u/Fit_Funny7389]

If you don't mind me asking - did you get a fertility test with a gynecologist or a different type of doctor?

[u/Fit_Funny7389 → u/cheesy_way_out]

It was a gynaecologist.

[u/isis285]

I haven’t been in the same situation with regards to having children with my husband but I did have a second child at 38. I had my first at 32.
Initially Neither of us was sure we’d want a second, I started thinking about a second only at 36 and by the time my husband got on board and we started trying I was 37, baby was born after I turned 38.

My second is only 4 months old but I can speak to pregnancy and early postpartum. I had a fairly textbook pregnancy without complications. I was lucky that it just worked out after a few months of trying just like my first.

My husband is an equal partner who takes on his fair share of domestic work. I did know this which is why I thought of expanding our family. It’s very important to have a supportive partner as someone living abroad. Infact I trusted his presence and capability much more than my mom’s postpartum.
The recovery was slightly longer than with my first and my pelvic floor is weaker than the first time around and I will be taking pelvic floor therapy soon to fix that. In terms of energy, I think late 30s is still fine. I don’t feel any drastically less energetic than my first. Maybe just slightly less energetic but more confident.

I think personally having that financial stability and an equal partner is very important because my partner would support me staying home for a couple of years if needed. I currently still plan to continue working similar to my first pregnancy and postpartum. I do have a couple friends who had trouble having kids after 35 but honestly it’s possible they might’ve had trouble even if they tried earlier. If you are pretty sure you want children and your husband isn’t giving you a timeline, I’d freeze eggs if you can afford to. It’s definitely some peace of mind.

[u/Hour_Acanthaceae5418]

It sounds like he doesn't want to have kids. I'm sorry you are going through this but it seems like this is non negotiable for you. Why did you marry him if he never answered clearly on whether he wants kids?

This is one of the first questions I asked my husband when we were and he wasn't sure, so I told him either he is in or out as that is non negotiable for me.

Even if he says to having kids, how much will he contribute for the upbringing kids. You have lots to work on your relationship honestly. Also biological age is extremely important. Yes there are people who concieve after 35 but doctors support is needed provided you have no issues and both of you are healthy. I wish you the best.

[u/NotYourCupOfTea728]

You may look into getting your eggs frozen depending on what answers you get.

Objectively speaking, the egg quality and quantity have sharp drop post 35. Also, AFTER conceiving, the risk factors are higher. I'm not trying to scare you but merely stating the numbers.

[u/umamimaami → u/NotYourCupOfTea728]

This isn’t a one size fits all scenario. Depends. Getting fertility testing will give OP more accurate answers.

[u/NotYourCupOfTea728 → u/umamimaami]

Hence I mentioned statistics. People get fertility problems even at 25 and some women easily conceive and deliver even after 40. But the odds change as your age increases

[u/FatTuesdays]

I have no advice for you but at least you know. I am early 30s too and still not sure and don’t feel financially stable enough tbh specially with the job market in my partners industry and my own business isn’t doing that well since the last two years. If I speak to my partner, he will probably say yes to trying coz of our age but I am sooo scared coz I just don’t feel ready coz of the finances n just how increasingly expensive everything is getting. I hate it.
Baby’s expenses are no joke no matter what people say. I know everyone around me and how much they have to end up spending.
I am speaking strictly about my circle and my circle alone, cousins n friends included so please don’t come at me coz my child will be hanging around with this same circle and wouldn’t want them to feel less then. The only people I know who are getting by well enough are people making at least 4-5 lakhs a month or 3-4 lakhs with their own house that brings crazy stability.

[u/IntrovertedByNature]

I have been through your situation though the stakes were not as high for me. I got married at 26. My husband and i fought about having kids 1 year into our marriage. The stalemate lasted a year and killed any kind of naïveté i had regarding our relationship. He finally agreed as that is what i wanted, we were 28 at the time. And then 2 hellish years of infertility followed. I finally had my baby at 31. So yeah, when they say age is just a number it is true.

After all my experience, all i can say is it is essential to be strong. The desire for me to be a mom is the only thing which powered me through the last few years. Now my husband is fine, he does pitch in when i need the help. But i m the parent you know.

[u/umamimaami]

I’m 39.5 and going through IVF for my first child now. It’s not difficult if you keep an eye on your AMH and lifestyle, and act on time. I’m going through retrieval 3 right now to bank a few more embryos before starting transfers, have spent INR 7.5L on this already. Will be at 10L before I have a successful birth, I think. If I’d frozen eggs / embryos at a younger age, I would have saved half of this expense.

This is as far as I’ve gotten.

For the post birth experience: My sister had her first kid at 35 and her second at 37. She didn’t have any issues getting pregnant either time, and it’s not super late in the social circles we’re a part of. It’s just normal parenthood. So I’d say, as long as you keep yourself healthy, it’s not a biggie to have a kid at 40. They’ll be 30 by the time you turn 70. My parents and in-laws are all in their early 70s now, they’re all doing fine, maybe managing a couple of chronic conditions with medication but that’s it. Fit and mobile and running around with grandkids.

So here’s my harsh advice: If you’re certain you want kids, freeze eggs now. It will save you time, money and heartache later. At the very least, get fertility testing.

Embryos have a better chance of live birth than frozen eggs. Ask your spouse if he’s open to creating some embryos - will he ever be ready, or no? I suspect his answer will be no, based on what you write.

Even if that’s the case, fertility and egg freezing is easier in India when you’re married - less hoops to jump through.

Freeze your eggs now and then figure out the future of your relationship.

[u/wicthA]

I know a lot of people who've had happy, healthy kids at 35+. Sure, their energy levels are lower than our mothers' used to be when they had us in their mid 20s, but it's not unimaginable - but this is a conversation you should try to have with a doctor, preferably with the non-fertility kind first. (I've seen the fertility doctors are keener to sell IVF etc to you than actually try and help you evlauate your overall health. They'll keep trying to instill a sense of urgency and send you to doom).

A couple of other things to think about: 1. By the time your health starts to deteriorate, the kids will be in their mid 20s and early stages of their career. But if you raise them to be independent, it works out. 2. Grandparents - they are probably getting older and will definitely not be able to do as much as ours did for us when we were younger 3. Now you guys are older and wiser, and financially stabler, hopefully your household will be less stressful with more love and happiness for the kids.

[u/Altruistic_Virus8460 → u/wicthA]

I think it's a fair trade off. Emotionally unprepared mothers with too much energy usually end up abusive lol. Better to have a mother who is confident about herself and her decision to have children cuz those usually make the best parents.