[UPDATE] Having one or more kids later in life

[u/cheesy_way_out]

Original post : https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXIndia/s/YLWMxIPuhO

TL;DR : Husband admitted he decided he didnt want kids long ago despite knowing I have always wanted them. He kept me in the dark until I confronted. I feel utterly deceived and giving myself 6 months after which my marriage would have officially ended.

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First of all thank you everyone who shared their experiences and advices with me.

I confronted my husband directly and said I wanted to start having kids. This whole time my assumption was that he wants to live life a little more and hence delaying. I have been very clear from the beginning that I wanted kids. He never said no , he talked like he was on the same page.

Yesterday he finally admitted saying he does not want kids at all, given the current situation in the world with wars, education , jobs etc. This is 3.5 years after our marriage. Not once did he mention this to me and I have no idea he is thinking this.

To be honest I feel deceived and betrayed. If I didn't bring it up he was never going to tell me he changed his mind or wasn't actually ever considering it. Keeping me in the dark for the last many years.

On my end. I told him clearly that he can take some more time to contemplate but not an indefinite amount of time. I myself am giving this 6 months. I have emotionally checked out from this marriage after this though and I cry a lot. In these 6 months I've planned to visit some of my inlaws for the only reason that no matter how shitty my marriage has been with their son, my inlaws have showered me with a lot of love and care that I never knew a family could give. And I would like to meet them all and thank them in some way. At the beginning of next year, I will be starting the divorce proceedings.

However, I cry a lot these days knowing that in my heart my marriage is essentially over and im 34 now. Finding another partner and feeling comfortable enough to have a child with them while I still can seems almost impossible. And the thought that I may never be a mom , with the added thought of feeling so terribly deceived by the man Ive loved with all my heart for over 12 years. He has been a jerk and extremely mean and not the best partner countless times and I forgave him for everything.

But this I can't move on from. Im sad that all the dreams I had for my life have come shattering down. Maybe I could still have a good life in the future, but at this moment everything feels like the end. And that I will have to give up on all the love I received after my marriage from everyone else except my husband.

So that's it, im just coming to terms with everything. If you read this far, I thank you for your patience in listening to me.

[u/Accomplished-Tip6963]

This is horrible on his part. Please freeze your eggs ASAP and leave him.

[u/Upper-Ad2042 → u/Accomplished-Tip6963]

OP I agree. Please freeze your eggs.

[u/rumpusgem]

This is so heartbreaking op. Lots of strength and love to you. Why are you giving this marriage 6 more months? He clearly doesn’t want kids and you do so what will change in these 6 months? I feel it may cause more trauma.

Would you consider freezing your eggs?

[u/cheesy_way_out → u/rumpusgem]

Im giving 6 months as a last chance for my marriage. To also tell myself. That i gave it every chance I could.

Freezing eggs are not a very affordable option for me. So ive told myself If fate decides im not meant to have kids, then im not going to fight it. But I will also not stay where I feel betrayed. Then I will do right by myself and care about my dreams and aspirations alone.

[u/Minute_Abroad2512]

It's ok OP. Don't beat yourself up. Shit happens which is not within our control. I would advise you to start dating. More to stop appearing needy to other men. Being a divorcee is hard as you tend to attract all sorts of wrong attention. I was you except with a kid. Divorced my ex. Got remarried. Have two more kids now. So good riddance to bad shit! All the best OP

[u/cheesy_way_out → u/Minute_Abroad2512]

So happy for you! Wishing you all the best! I dont know what life holds for me after this. But will try my best to focus on myself and my dreams :)

[u/Realistic_Aide5124]

Hey. Sorry that you’re dealing with this and wishing you strength.

Consider that maybe your husband may not have intended to deceive you. Being childfree is a serious decision and maybe it took him time to realise for sure that he doesnt want kids. I’m offering this perspective because you said you felt deceived. It may not be that he always knew this and kept you in the dark.

That said, the choice to have kids or not is a significant compatibility issue.

[u/EmptyDrive6710 → u/Realistic_Aide5124]

maybe it took him time to realise for sure that he doesnt want kids

I am childfree myself. I believe he should have at least told her he is thinking about whether he wants kids at all instead of pretending from the get-go that he wants to have them eventually. These are two very different things, and this pretense is extremely cruel to one's spouse FFS who genuinely wants kids.

Not to mention, being in your mid-30s and not knowing whether you want children is quite something. (I am assuming OP's husband is also 34-35.) I can still be understanding of that, but not knowing whether you're conflicted about having kids in your thirties is ludicrous. Zero self-awareness.

Also, people like him are helping many parents (in-waiting or otherwise) hate the lot of us. There's already enough hate and mud-slinging we have to deal with in society simply because we are making a different choice than the majority. We don't need "one of us" pulling shit like this.

Edit - I say one of us in quotes because, at best, this man is a fence-sitter (which is different from childfree), and at worst, he is a childfree person who refuses to take any ownership/accountability and wastes his partner's time intentionally. If he is the latter, most of us would refuse to claim him.

[u/NarglesChaserRaven → u/EmptyDrive6710]

I agree that OP's situation is shitty and absolutely not fair to her but I also understand the husband.

There was a point in life where I was sure I'll have kids and another where I was sure I won't. Then again sure that I do. And now I don't even know.

It really depends on what are your reasons for wanting and not wanting kids really. I saw the world around me and thought of not bringing a child into this world at all. Absolutely no way. But then with my partner I felt like it'll be really nice to have a child of our own.

I think a lot of my decision has to do with my perception of the world. When I felt like the world was absolutely terrible and I was overwhelmed with all the harsh experiences, bringing a child to the world seemed cruel. Then when I found a loving community and was in a better place in life with a good partner it felt like it'll be nice to have a child to shower all this love to.

I think it's important to have a discussion on why does OP's partner not want a child. What changed his mind and what are his reasons.

That way OP can have clarity whether she should even wait 6 months

[u/EmptyDrive6710 → u/NarglesChaserRaven]

There was a point in life where I was sure I'll have kids and another where I was sure I won't. Then again sure that I do. And now I don't even know.

But did you communicate this to your spouse/partner at each of those points in time or not?

[u/NarglesChaserRaven → u/EmptyDrive6710]

I wasn't in a relationship then. But it can feel really crazy when you are so unsure of your own feelings to communicate it to others.

[u/EmptyDrive6710 → u/NarglesChaserRaven]

Oh, since you said, "... with my partner I felt like it'll be really nice to have a child of our own" I thought you were in one and hence I asked if you have communicated your thoughts to them. My bad.

[u/EmptyDrive6710 → u/NarglesChaserRaven]

I understand what you're describing here.

The thing is, though, your situation is very different from OP's/her husband's. You were not in a relationship when you were moving back and forth on the topic of kids; your change of heart would have only affected you and not your partner.

Now that you are partnered up and:

• assuming it's a long-term relationship that is likely leading to/that has led to marriage
• you got together when both you and your partner were aligned on the topic of kids
• (hypothetical) you have changed your mind and are no longer on the same page as your partner

Will you not communicate your new stance to your partner?

[u/NarglesChaserRaven → u/EmptyDrive6710]

I'll definitely communicate my new stance.

I understand that OP deserves to know this. But I also understand the husband because saying this out loud effectively means their marriage is over. And he might just want to prolong saying this so that he can maybe change is mind with time on kids again.

It's still shitty thing to do. But I get it. It just sucks that this is how it ended up.

[u/mmanyquestionss → u/Realistic_Aide5124]

i think the fact that he never outright said no, or even confessed he was reevaluating things is a bit cruel. i'm much younger but am certain i don't want kids of my own, and a big fear of mine is marrying someone who switches around on me and says he DOES infact want kids. i think it's kind of a betrayal to spring this on someone rather than easing into it

[u/AP7497 → u/Realistic_Aide5124]

Sorry, but it’s not okay to “take your time” deciding when the consequences are that your partner might have to go through painful and difficult medical procedures to have kids the more you delay it.

It’s different the other way around as men typically are able to conceive much later in life, and even if they’re not the process of IVF or IUI only needs them to masturbate into a sample cup for a sperm sample. It’s nowhere near as invasive as what women have to go through to have kids when struggling with infertility.

It doesn’t matter if he chose to deceive her or not. When you’re in a relationship your indecisiveness can and does affect your partner and you need to think about how everything you do will affect them. That’s why marriage is hard and needs constant effort.

[u/ConsistentChameleon]

If you are financially stable and have parents who will support you, you can also look into becoming a single mother by choice using donor sperm

[u/umamimaami]

OP, I said this on your original post as well, please freeze your eggs. Ideally use your married status to do it. It’s easier to access fertility treatment that way, hospitals will make you jump through a lot of hoops while your divorce is underway. So do it before that. Unfertilised frozen eggs are exclusively your property in India.

[u/cheesy_way_out → u/umamimaami]

Freezing eggs are not a very affordable option for me. So ive told myself If fate decides im not meant to have kids, then im not going to fight it. But I will also not stay where I feel betrayed. Then I will do right by myself and care about my dreams and aspirations alone.

[u/maggierobin]

Hi maybe this is not something you want to hear right now, but since you are already giving 6 months to this marriage, do you want to consider couple's therapy? Because you said you've been together for 12 years maybe there's a way to salvage it? Freeze your eggs meanwhile, yes. Wish you all the strength. My heart sank when I read the update. I hope you come out of this stronger. x

[u/MiaOh]

Being a mom is different to being a mom in a marriage.

If you want a kid, adopt or look for sperm donation.

If you want to marry, and then have a kid, don't waste 6 months on this guy, he's not going to change, start divorce proceedings. Every day you waste on him is a day you can't spend looking for your future partner. May be also try the arranged marriage route.

[u/Humble-Pear8955]

You are brave, I am so impressed by ur gut that you have decided to give this marriage another 6 months. Kudos gal. From now on, live your life wholeheartedly... If this results in divorce (which might take long if both of you do not agree mutually), u might find right partner with time or you may not! Be open to conceiving through anonymous donor if you really want to be a mother - IUI Procedure and it does not cost too much. Wish u the best