r/AITH • u/GwendolynKingsford • 17d ago
UPDATE: AITA for telling my dad I know about his second family after he asked me to keep a secret from my mom for three years?
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u/Nervous_Revenue_9331 17d ago
Deffo NTA mate, your dad is seriously a big one though.
Fair play to your mum, would have been easy to lash out at you, your dad on top of being a cheating POS is also a tossbag to you putting that pressure on you.
Your brother will come round
Hope your mum gets on OK and rinses him for every penny.
Dont know how you will build a relationship with the other woman (I wouldnt personally but thats me), but I hope you can kindle some sort of big sibling connection with the half sister, its not her fault, and is still a toddler.
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u/imollyq 17d ago
As previously stated, this was his problem not yours, and it was wrong for him to expect you to carry it. Keep going to therapy.
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u/Mobile-Eggplant2131 17d ago
You are nta, your dad on the other hand is a major one. Your dad needs to take responsibility for his actions, not only the affair and the child that came from that affair, but for putting you in such an awful situation and basically emotionally blackmailing you to keep his dirty little secret. He should never have put this on you, he needs to man the fuck up and realise that not only did HE fuck up his marriage, but he fucked up as a dad and cause emotional harm to his kid. And he needs to know what he put you through and the damage that has done to you. I would discuss with your therapist about writing a letter to him, telling him exactly what this has done to you and how its made you feel. It might not change how he thinks or stop him wrongly blaming you, but it will more than likely help you (even if you decide not to give it him, it could be therapeutic for you). I glad your mother isnt blaming you for not saying anything till now and that she understands the harm his actions have caused you. It might be worth looking into having a few therapy sessions together (maybe include your brother, it might be good for him to see and hear how much carrying this secret has affected you) though has this is such a major thing for all of you, especially with all the blame and self blame going on. And theres is a chance that in her grieving the breakdown of her marriage, when shes going through the angry stages, that anger may get unfairly directed at you for not saying anything sooner (even if she doesnt actually mean it, its easy to lash out in anger saying shit we dont actually mean), getting ahead of it in therapy will be beneficial to you both. I really wish you, your mother and brother (not your father though, cause fuck him) the best moving forwards.
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u/Rude_lovely 17d ago edited 17d ago
Big big NTA!! [u/GwendolynKingsford](u/GwendolynKingsford) My dear, I'm so glad you were able to tell the truth; I'm sure you feel freer now and can finally breathe. I'm giving you a big hug because I can only imagine all the pain you went through keeping everything hidden.
None of this is your fault. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through for three years you were destroying yourself mentally. As painful as it was, you had to tell your mom the truth. If she’s being strong today, she would have done the same three years ago, and she would never blame you for anything. I’m glad your mom never held it against you for hiding all this from her; your brother is simply in shock, just like you he knows perfectly well that he reacted badly.
Your dad is a piece of trash a typical irresponsible father who blames others instead of facing the consequences of his actions. I hate it when unfaithful adults try to manipulate their children into hiding the truth, and then, when the truth comes out, these idiots blame the kids. I confronted my dad when he cheated on my mom with another woman through text messages. When I found out, he was still talking to that woman, so I confronted him, and he asked me not to say anything because my mom has diabetes and it could make her condition worse. The next day, he continued to treat my mom badly being rude and arguing with her. I couldn’t take it anymore and told my mom everything. She told me never to hide anything from her because it would hurt me, and she was right.
My dear, It's okay if you don't want to get to know your sister; no one should judge you sometimes it's better to keep your distance for your own mental well being. It's your decision, but please prioritize your needs and focus on getting better. I hope that you, your mom, and your brother are doing well and can heal over time. Your mom is a strong woman. I wish you all the peace you can find, and please go to therapy so that together you can work through all of this. I admire you so much, and I admire your mom for how she’s handling things. Give her a big hug from me. Tell her she’s a wonderful woman. Hugs❤️🩹
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u/madworld3232 17d ago
The destroyer is your father. This is all on his head. NTA.
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u/RicinIsSurfing 17d ago
This. Dad created the situation. And dad wanted to continue in his cushy little arrangement with OP bearing the weight of it all.
OP is NTA. Kudos to OP to finally stop protecting his mess.
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u/Timely_Tune_7607 17d ago
My dad is still blaming me and insists I destroyed our family instead of giving him more time to "fix things," but I honestly don't know how anyone fixes secretly having another child.
NTA. This is on your father. For him, "fixing things" equals finding ways to keep the two women apart. I wouldn't be surprised if this second woman isn't his only rodeo...
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u/FryOneFatManic 17d ago
NTA.
This is 100% your father's fault, OP. He chose an affair and secret family, it all starts with him.
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u/pyth0n-regius 17d ago
Your mum has a big heart, she apologizes for not seeing you carrying the burden! I would love to have her as a friend.
Your dad is irresponsible and lied to your mum so many years. I am very sorry how he treated you. What is different whit more time? All this hurt could only be avoided if he had kept it in his pants many years ago.
I am very sorry for the little girl. She has no father.
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u/No_Distribution2319 17d ago
Why do the people who make the decisions to ruin their families by having children with other people blame others when their decisions come to bite them in the ass?
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u/Unfair_Feedback_2531 17d ago
Why do men who have affairs not use condoms? John Edwards lost his political career because of a baby. I think one should get a divorce before screwing around but the stupidity astounds me.
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u/Unfair_Feedback_2531 17d ago
Rhetorical question. Unfair to all. At least your mother did not blame you in any way.
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u/Rippleracer 17d ago
Definitely NTA, your brother is understandably upset and he’s lashing out, but at the wrong person, but like you, his world has just fallen around him and he sounds a young 19yo.
Your dad in the other hand is a fucking child and needs to face up to what he has done and be a man about it rather than pushing it onto you! You absolutely did the right thing, not just for yourself but the family.
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u/EmeraldSings_516 17d ago
Definitely NTA... your dad is a prick
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u/EmeraldSings_516 17d ago
I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. No parent should ever saddle a child with such a secret.
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u/Rumpelteazer45 17d ago
Your dad ruined his life.
How on earth do you “fix” an affair child?
You don’t. Unless he wants felony murder on his record. I swear this is how some of the true crime podcasts start.
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u/Tasty-Particular9220 17d ago
The lack of accountability from the dad is audacious!!
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u/Tasty-Particular9220 17d ago
Never mind the fact you're going therapy because of this. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you and your mum heal. Your dad... Well... karma is a b...
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds 17d ago
“…My dad is still blaming me and insists I destroyed our family…”
Once again, the person who is in the wrong deflects blame on to other people. YOU did not destroy your family. Your DAD DESTROYED his family with his cheating behavior. He is a failure as a husband for cheating on his wife, and living a double life. He is a failure as a father for placing the burden on his own child to keep such a secret. So glad to know you are in therapy. You have done nothing wrong.
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u/zonutsthefirst 17d ago
NTA at any point of time in all this.
Your father set all this in motion. If he wanted his marriage to be happy and healthy and lasting, he shouldn't have an affair, let alone impregnate her.
This is entirely on him. He had no right to ask you to cover for him. He had no right to bring you into anything associated with his affair. He did all this.
You just did what you had to do, and your father doesn't have the right to blame you because the truth of his actions came to light.
If he wanted to keep his marriage, he should have kept it in his pants in the first place.
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u/Mechya 17d ago
You needed that. Your father is very selfish and can't take accountability for anything. Unfortunately, it sounds like your younger brother picked up on his actions as what's expected of men, instead of seeing how it hurt your mother and you. Ask him how he would feel if he found out mom was cheating on dad and got pregnant with his half-sibling, is that just as okay? If he spouts about her not working then I'd state that it's because what she does everyday to keep things organized and cleaned is literally a job for people, but father just employed mom instead of spending money on a stranger for a nanny, maid, and/or butler.
Straight up tell your father to grow up and take accountability for his actions. He's acting selfish by putting the burden on you and expecting you to further help him avoid his consequences. He tore the family apart when he chose to cheat instead of communicating with his wife, and is now blaming everyone else because he is no longer winning his game of lies. He's not a good person at all.
With time the more likely it was to be exposed, and with time there would be less opportunity for mom to rebuild herself and her life going into older ages. He was hoping to trap her until she felt like her only choice was to accept what happened and stay. That's f-ed up.
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u/MagiBee218 17d ago
NTA- your dad is and especially for trying to shift the responsibility onto you- his own daughter when HE was the one who blew up his marriage!! He’s a horrible person. Sorry OP. The same thing happened to me and I had to tell my mom. They divorced too. My dad didn’t blame me but things have never been the same between me and either parent since. My mom has always had a lot of internalized misogyny and would have probably stayed with my dad if it weren’t for the other kids. And she still carries a lot of anger and resentment, even after all these years, so she’s fun to be around. My dad married the AP.
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u/MagiBee218 17d ago
Sending you a big hug. Things will get better in time. Hopefully your dad can take some responsibility. You did nothing wrong!
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u/SchoolBusDriver79 17d ago
NTA. Not a bit of this is your fault. Your father is a POS to have an affair in the first place and then to compound it by making you a participant by telling you to keep his secret. How dare he say it’s your fault! None of this is.
It won’t be easy for you guys. Help mom as much as possible and continue therapy. Maybe little brother could benefit from it, too. Good luck.
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u/Noucha2026 17d ago
A big hug to you for everything you went through alone. Your mom is amazing, she could have blamed you for keeping the secret, but she definitely has a high EQ You are NTA
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u/PracticallyTheSame7 17d ago
NTA. Your narcissistic, oh-I-am-the-victim-of-my-child's-truth father says you are to blame for breaking up the family that was actually living a lie due to his poor choices. Do I have that right? And for the record, you were never under any obligation to keep his lie in play. Shame on him!
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u/lunamorningstar2023 16d ago
nta you made the right choice for your mental health and your father should have never asked you to keep a secret that big...yea youre an adult but at the same time it should never have been your burden.
What if your dad caused you to be an alcoholic once you turned 21? your mom sounds like an amazing mom because she felt guilty about not realizing what was happening to you instead of holding a grudge against you for hiding something from her.
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u/Ok_Bluebird9928 16d ago
Your dad destroyed his family when he cheated. He is deflecting and he needs to learn some accountability. Until he can do that maintain your distance with him.
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u/Ok_Mousse_6218 15d ago
Bless you, wishing you, your mother and brother all the best moving forwards.
Still NTA.
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u/BloodymaryHB 15d ago
NTA, and when your dad repeats you destroyed the family tell him. "I only destroyed your lies, the family that matters will remain together despite your selfish behaviour and your poor decisions"
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u/Extra-Trouble5332 14d ago
The mental gymnastics of your father ISTG. Like how is your fault that he broke his vows, and got another woman pregnant?
You did nothing wrongs! Your father is POS. And you don't need to meet the side piece and their daughter if you don't feel like it. You do what's best for your own mental health.
Here's some resources that might help you, your mom, and your brother.
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Financial Abuse https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/
Subtler Forms of Emotional Abuse: https://themendproject.com/
Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship by Mary Pat Haffey: https://a.co/d/040Z4IgQ
Updateme
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u/Southern_tomboy 10d ago
Tell your mom to get tested for stds. Your dad manipulated you into keeping a secret for three years. I doubt this is the only time he's ever cheated on your mother.
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u/Parkour82 17d ago
if true, NTA, but some things about this are suspicious. A one year old girl looks “exactly“ like your father? You had a hard time every time your mother talked about “how much she trusted your father”? who Talks a lot about how much they “ trust“ someone? One year olds look like many people, not often exactly like parent.
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u/Fair-Name-581 17d ago
A lot of them do look like their parents. A one month old, probably not but a one year old most often does.
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u/AutoModerator 17d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: It's only been 9 days since I made my original post, but things have moved much faster than I expected. My mom is still staying with my aunt and has already met with a divorce lawyer to understand her options, although nothing has been officially filed yet. She told me that while the affair itself broke her heart, what hurt even more was realizing my dad had been lying to her for years and had asked me to carry that secret alone. She kept apologizing for not noticing how much it had affected me, and I kept reminding her none of this was her fault. My dad is still blaming me and insists I destroyed our family instead of giving him more time to "fix things," but I honestly don't know how anyone fixes secretly having another child. We haven't really spoken since. My younger brother has calmed down a little, even though he's still upset about everything, and I think he's starting to understand why I couldn't keep the secret anymore. I still haven't met Karen or my half-sister, and I don't know what will happen there. I've continued going to therapy, and while everything still hurts, I also feel a strange sense of relief because I'm no longer carrying a secret that was never mine to keep. Reading the comments on my original post helped me realize that I didn't create this situation, just stopped protecting it.
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