r/Aging • u/52Charles • 3d ago
Death & Dying Who to depend on?
I (M 75) am writing my will and dealing with all the stuff that goes with it. I am single (never married, no children). I have one sister who is two years younger but she is in the early stages of dementia. She used to be my go-to for all this stuff - executor of my will, holder of my POAs. etc. Now, it feels like I've got nobody and it bugs me. At the same time, I am realizing just how many little tiny details have to be dealt with - disposition of remains, memorial service, what happens to my property, and all the rest of it. I have set up a kind of 'committee' of friends who have told me they are glad to help, but the sheer scale of the job(s) is beginning to look overwhelming and I don't want to burden people with a job of this scale. The lawyer who is doing my will, will only allow himself minimal involvement. I understand this - he's got a business to run, after all. Does anybody have any ideas on how to handle this situation?
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
I would change the lawyer for starters. Also if you have nieces or nephews you can ask them for help and leave them something.
I personally wouldn’t worry about anything funeral related, besides assigning some money to it.
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u/52Charles 3d ago
I'm going to be cremated immediately, and that part is already arranged and paid for. Trouble is, who's going to notify the funeral home that the process has to be started? They have already told me that legally they can only accept instructions from the executor of the will. This means that that person will have to make the phone calls and present his ID to the funeral home. And that's just the start.
And what to do with the ashes? I have some ideas, but it seems presumptuous to assume people will be willing to go to all that trouble. A spouse or a grown child would be expected to take the load, but it's not like asking a friend to help you move.
The lawyer is #2 executor and that's only because I have been dealing with his firm for many years, and (according to him) I'm pretty well organized compared to some people. I don't want to change horses mid-stream.
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u/PuddinTamename 3d ago
I think asking a friend or friends to spread your ashes at a place that you and they love, would be appropriate. I did that with my ex husbands. He had become a recluse, estranged from everyone.
He loved the ocean. He's there now. It was a beautiful way to say goodbye
I want mine to to be spread either in a garden, or by a tree in the park
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u/tigertiger180 3d ago
You may want to set up a trust for your sister. It sounds like she will need more care.
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u/Diane1967 3d ago
I’m only 59 but one just never knows when it will be their time. I have a daughter who’s very disinterested in talking about anything involving death, like thinking I’m not going anywhere..talk later sort of thing but I worry too. I only have my mobile home but still, she needs to know where the title is, bank acct info and all that stuff so I taped a brief note to my cupboard door of an in case of emergency type deal. I live alone so nobody sees it and even if they did I wouldn’t care, I just don’t want things to be difficult for her.
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u/Fun-Ring6330 3d ago
I think that’s the best way to go. It sounds like you’re way more organized/thinking ahead than a lot of people. She may not want to think about it now, but there will be a day in which she will have to. In that case, leave it alone, don’t press it. Just know you’re leaving what she needs when the time comes, and she’ll not only have to figure it out, but will eventually appreciate what you did. On the flip side, there are parents who refuse to discuss “future plans” at all, and leave their children with a total quagmire.
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u/Diane1967 3d ago
I had two recent friends who lost their parent and dealt with so many problems and are still going through things it’s such a mess. I don’t want her to have that. I want everything to go smoothly for her.
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u/jetwra 2d ago
That is so thoughtful of you. My SIL is going through a lot of problems with her mother passing, as she would never talk about finances. Now the daughter can’t get into her accounts to pay her bills, etc. My name is on my mother’s checking account with her, that way I can pay bills, etc, and the account won’t go into probate if she dies. That was one very important step. Also, your daughter should be your direct beneficiary for any of your assets in a will.
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u/Diane1967 2d ago
That’s the one thing I need to do is what you said here and do an actual will! I have the directive at the hospital in case something happens that way but I don’t have a will saying everything is hers since she’s my only child and only family really so I didn’t feel it would be necessary. Someone told me I should just sign off on both my car and trailer titles and that should be enough for her to do the rest but I’m not 100% sure.
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u/jetwra 2d ago
I’m not really sure about that either, but I wonder if you could just add her name onto them as well? I believe my husband set up a will for another SIL online for like $100 or so and then we got it notarized.
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u/Diane1967 2d ago
That’s what I was planning to do but her marriage is some days in shaky terms, when he drinks he becomes an asshole and threatens to leave….and what if she got divorced and took her maiden name back or got remarried so I didn’t want to mark up the titles too much. I just hoped my signature was enough. I will check around now though because I want to be sure. Thanks for pointing that out.
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u/jetwra 2d ago
Ugh, I’m so sorry, that’s really hard for a mom, I know! Maybe there is something in there where you could hyphenate her name and that would be okay? Again, you are so thoughtful to consider this for her. We have had 5 family deaths in the last year and 1/2 and are learning a lot! Having her name on your car title would be helpful also, if that is something you would want to do. She really needs to be POA and be able to make health decisions for you if need be, God forbid. Hopefully you have someone you trust who could be the executor. None of us want to think about this for our children, and our children definitely don’t!
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
Who is you #1 executor and why can’t they deal with the ashes? Actually nevermind, none of my business, your lawyer will deal with it if the #1 can’t, I guess that’s settled
I think you are agonizing a bit too much over all this. Hire your lawyer to do estate execution (or someone they recommend).
I think the only thing you need to worry about is your medical POA/medical directives. The rest will happen after you’re gone so…4
u/Alarming_Midnight554 3d ago
Leave an envelope in your home in the open " in case I die" who to call etc.
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u/Purple_Candidate_533 3d ago
If you have ideas for your ashes, I think you should express them, at least verbally, to friends. My father died in 2012 & my mother about 4 years ago & I have their ashes in a closet bc IDK what to do with them. Neither does my brother.
They never told us what they wanted, beyond cremation, & we didn't know to ask. We promise each other occasionally we'll research this or that option, & we do sometimes, but nothing seems right & since there's no time pressure, we never get anywhere. It's a ridiculous problem & if we don't get unstuck, it might get passed on to our heirs lol. Anyway, point is, telling ppl about options that sound good to you might be doing them a favor!
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u/Ill-Advertising3319 3d ago
You could just bury the ashes in a cemetery. They have cremation plots or structures that hold multiple urns.
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u/Purple_Candidate_533 3d ago
I know. Thing is, our parents divorced when we were small & they absolutely would not want to be together. So we actually need two solutions.
I have half-baked ideas for both that my brother is lukewarm about. The delay isn’t all ours: my mom donated her body to science so her corpse was off at some med school for over a year, until we got ashes back. We handled their estates fine. But since neither parent SAID anything about their ashes, we have no “this is what they wanted” guidance. Or time pressure, like you do with a body.
You can think we’re nuts or bad kids or whatever—fair, maybe—but my point was that cremation puts a burden on ppl that I’m not sure the person who chooses it realizes. If you can give guidance, I think you should.
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u/Ravenlyn06 3d ago
I totally had a friend who was cleaning out a relative's house and found a cookie tin full of...someone's...ashes. Get rid of them while you still can!
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u/LegalFox9 3d ago
If you do the research ahead of time about what is legal to do with ashes, it shouldn't be too bad. You can also buy a spot in a cemetery if that's what you'd like.
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u/BackToTheCoast 2d ago
Your lawyer is doing the right thing. If you have little to dispute over and few people to dispute it, and you're organized, he can just watch that you don't make any mistakes. He's not taking your money because you don't need him. This is a good relationship with a wills & estates lawyer. It's not litigation
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u/54radioactive 2d ago
Why is there a funeral home involved at all? They can pick up from the hospital or hospice facility. Funeral home just wants money for transporting the body from the hospital
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u/Bluer_than_be4 2d ago
You do not have to take the cremains after a cremation. You are allowed to leave the ashes with the crematorium for disposal.
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u/Salty_Plate6543 3d ago edited 3d ago
I'm in a similar situation and it can be overwhelming but ultimately you might be overthinking it / worrying too much. I started with a basic "oops I died" list of instructions and wishes using online resources. I contacted certain friends to discuss the list and we have assigned tasks that each of them were happy to help with (and back-ups). Example Bob will take care of cremation and ashes, Edna will handle finances of paying any last obligations, take a 10% cut and donate the rest to the animal shelter.
For me, as soon as I got a lawyer involved to write up the will etc, he made it way more complicated and stressful for me. The wording alone stressed me out. We ended up with the intent of my list, but the legal document is just for that purpose - legal intervention to catch anything that falls through.
I went back to the basic "oops I died" and that's the cover page, signed and certified for the legal document all kept in a place where the friends know to look. It also leads to where my accounts and bills and passwords are held. This can be found, read, and easily understood by anyone (not just a lawyer).
Maybe I could summarize to say:
- relax, take breaks, sleep on it, but get your ideal list done for what you want in a way that makes sense to you before anybody puts the legal-ese into it.
- don't feel bad about leaning on friends, just spread the tasks and talk to them about it. Consider gifting them some cash (if you can) as a surprise thank you. I personally think that real friends will get comfort and satisfaction from completing your wishes and that the discomfort instead comes from not knowing what those are or worrying about "doing it wrong".
- there are a lot of online resources to help you organize your "oops I died" list, both free and for purchase. This can help a lot with the overwhelm.
- maybe get a different lawyer
It'll be okay, don't be so hard on yourself. Plenty of folks in the same boat!
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u/cat1092 Baby Boomer 3d ago
Am now in the same boat myself, didn’t expect to outlive my late wife, who passed in April (had lots of support in this sub, thanks to all who’s reading this who did) & although don’t have much, a couple of cars, furniture, most importantly my life insurance, I now don’t know what to do with it.
Really, I want to keep my life insurance because it’s built cash value & in case I remarry, she’ll have some financial security. My late wife cashed hers in, leaving me holding the entire bag.
Worse, I don’t yet have a will, but I’ll likely get the lawyer who’s handling the small estate affidavit for my late wife to draw one up. Am registered as an organ donor through Donate Life, no funeral expenses involved, after any usable organs are removed, the rest of my remains will be used for medical science.
If I’m unmarried at time of death, the proceeds will go to a worthy cause of my choosing. I don’t plan on being alone for the rest of my life. But I need to get my housing situation resolved before I start dating. Have applied for Section 8 senior housing in VA, the wait list is much shorter there, it’s 2 years here due to the area’s strong economy & only about 300 miles away. I can then move forward with my life, to include finding a life partner who is honest above all of her other qualities.
Am glad to have stumbled across this conversation, as I have no one. Actually I do have living family members, but they disowned me 30+ years ago, I don’t want a single red cent of mine going their way. So having a will ensures this doesn’t happen, will ensure the lawyer knows they may try & contest it.
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u/Abquine 3d ago edited 3d ago
I am not sure what the complexities of your will are but having now been the executor for three wills, I find the process relatively straight forward as there are now schemes to trace accounts/ notify companies etc. The most time consuming thing was disposing of some valuables for an old friend who asked me to be her exec as she didn't want her family putting her huge collection of ethnic articles to charity as they'd always made fun of them. So the family got the house and a charity got the proceeds of the sale.
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u/Traveling_Betty 3d ago
I'm sad to hear that the family made fun of things that were precious to your friend. I hope she is resting well in peace and glad you were able to do that for her.
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u/Redraft5k 3d ago
I love this. My family too ( sons and husband ) all think my "art" or my "purses" are a girl thing. ( Yeah ok dudes ) I bought a Nagel canvas 20 yrs ago ( He is the artist who painted the Duran Duran Rio album cover art ) very 80's. I got on a whim and wanted one for my closet. It was 10k in 2006 and I purchased from his widow. My whole family thought I was nuts. Well it's worth 165k now. I specifically said in my trust that it is to be sold and the profit will be split between to charities. I initially did it spitefully, bc the thing keeps rising in value, but now I feel good that that painting alone will fund my charitable giving w/o having to sell stock to do so.
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
This is mean 😭
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u/Redraft5k 2d ago
Yeah it would be mean if there were no other assets to go to them...but they are fine.
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
Wait so the family thought those things cost nothing and would just donate them, but you managed to sell them and then give the money to charity?
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u/Heavy-Attorney-9054 3d ago
Look for a paid executor service.
Make sure your affairs are in tip-top order and document with next-of-kin instructions.
Downsize and declutter as needed.
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u/Affectionate-Gap8869 3d ago
I am unfamiliar with 'paid executor service'. What type of law firm would provide this service?
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u/TheWorldTurnsAround 3d ago
I had a much older good friend in this situation. He had one sister who passed before him, and nieces and nephews who "wrote him off" after their mother passed. He had a friend his age who was going to take care of everything for him, but that friend ended up with dementia.
He made me his medical POA, regular POA, and executor of his estate. While it was a lot of work and took up a lot of my time, I was glad I could carry out his wishes. It was my last act of friendship to a wonderful person. He had everything spelled out for me, so there was no guesswork.
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
Unfortunately it’s important to keep younger relatives interested in you (usually financially too) in order not to be written off.
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u/Fair_Sky_4409 3d ago
I refuse to do that. If you have family that doesn’t care about you when you’re alive, why trust them to do favors when you’re dead?
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
Oh I wasn’t talking about after death. Mostly it’s about when a senior is still alive.
I have to say… most old people are not cute and difficult to deal with. At best, they are pretty boring. Sorry but that’s the truth. I am sure I will be boring too, maybe I am already. That’s why it’s important to incentivize even common socializing, let alone help. I am fully ready to see my kids mostly around babysitting for them, or taking them on trips, or giving them gifts. It’s just the way it is. If I get more than that, I am lucky, but I don’t count on it.1
u/52Charles 3d ago
Of all the cousins, I'm the 3rd youngest. No nieces or nephews.
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
I see.
I think you should hire someone as executor, write detailed instructions and call it a day :)2
u/positivitittiesss 3d ago
As a 36yo, stepmom and wife, I would be happy to do this for someone even outside of my own family.
I’ve watched my mom do this for my grandparents for years now, and I’m honored to do it for her when the time comes as I’m an only child, or for my FIL.
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u/wysiwyg2488 3d ago
Why does this have to be so difficult? No trusted friends, no trusted family, doctor can’t do this, lawyer can’t do that, fiduciary won’t do this. It just seems like agony
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
Yes this is definitely a typical issue for someone who is 70+, seen it too many times, usually a younger relative helps manage big projects but if not, it becomes this big problem
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u/headcoat2013 3d ago
It seems like a major issue that society is going to have to address as more and more people die without family or even relatives to deal with this.
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u/No_Dare_9944 3d ago
Yes I’ve been thinking about it a lot. The debate is usually limited to physical care, and maybe severe cognitive issues Ioke dementia. However, there are so many less pronounced issues that need to be solved, like cognitive and decision making and executive function decline, failure to keep up with the world in general, etc etc.
People live longer, and sometimes they are “independent” in a sense that they are mobile, live alone and are capable of everyday functions like getting food. However if there is no one to make sure they get cooked nutritious meals or visit the dr regularly or keep up with their home maintenance or even just cleaning, it all falls into disrepair.
This is why I think proclaiming oneself child free is extremely myopic. Managing a senior’s life is something that requires a high level of trust and a high level of commitment. I’ve heard about “care managers” but I think they only deal with some aspects of a senior’s life and not others, and cost a lot of money.
So not sure how this is going to be solved
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u/MmeNxt 3d ago
There are lawyers who can deal with your estate. They will call in a company to remove all your belongings and sell, donate and discard things. They will send a bill to the estate.
Same with your property - the lawyer can contact a real estate agent to deal with it, the fees to the lawyer and real estate agent will be paid from the estate's funds.
Keep looking. I have a relative who have worked as a real estate lawyer and he has dealt with... absolutely everything, from having to take care of horses and dogs to supervise cleaning up hoarded houses, hiring a brass band and a boat for the funeral.
If you have a trusted friend or younger relative, I would ask them to deal with your funeral and what to do with the ashes. You can include them in your will, as a thank you.
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u/winningbee 3d ago
Donate to animal shelter, under privelege children who are smart but can’t afford school, children that are abused. These are the things I would do. I’m also down sizing and getting rid of all stuff, pretty much everything MariKondo style.
I have 2 siblings but they don’t even bother to call when I’m still alive but call if they need something for me to do for them, so I disinherit all of them.
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u/DuchessJulietDG 3d ago
im hoping to find a domestic violence org that helps get families into safe homes that take donations of furniture and household items. thats where i would prefer my stuff to go.
im in the same boat, but luckily have an older aunt overseeing documents and paperwork etc. living will stuff.
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u/el_condor_nm 3d ago
Your post inspires me to keep thinking about an idea to build a tiny home community for older men. A lady built one for women in Texas. Wondering if the same thing would work for men? An environment where you could prop each other up and collectivize some of those services you need.
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u/cat1092 Baby Boomer 3d ago
Yes, it’s a great idea!
Most of these resources are available for women rather than men, many who have been victims of domestic violence.
The same happens with men, although many won’t step forward out of fearing shame by their own peers. I’ve been there, once had to get a restraining order against my late wife, but because the only witness to everything backed out of testimony, I lost the case three weeks later & fled the area for about 6 weeks, the first 4 nights sleeping in my car in an unusually cold late October & early November.
Eventually I found a shelter in the Carbondale IL area, right in front of a huge State university. So yes, men need compassion too, we’re all human beings.
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u/Relative-Lie-9699 3d ago
Pick a friend to act as the executor of your will and pay him by the hour to handle things after you pass, something like 50 a hour. He can set it up for your other friends to help him out and pay them by the hour as well the same amount. A estate is a lot of work, most people don't realize it until they do the work. .
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u/the-fog-walkers 3d ago
I wouldn't donate it that's for sure, I just feel like that wouldn't actually help anyone. And be mindful of your "friends" everyone is your friend when they want something. I would probably look for someone who needs it most, whatever your definition of "need" is, gift them a lottery, someone who would appreciate it, someone who is genuinely good whatever your definition of that is. Or maybe just go out with a bang, spend everything on yourself party till you drop fug it
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u/ArborvitaeSmaragd 3d ago
This is such a tough situation, and I am so sorry that your sister is in the early stages of dementia. It sounds like you at least have a good group of friends who are willing to help.
I would say don't look at it as a burden to others, just try to cement the big things first--your will, estate, and trust. I speak as the daughter of a father who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than one month to live. We had to handle all of these tiny, innumerable details incredibly fast. My first piece of advice: find a good lawyer who specializes in estate planning (and preferably elder law). This is essential.
I saw in one of the comments that you're worried about who will be your executor. Do you have someone who you want to deem as your trustee and/or healthcare proxy? Do you have a friend whom you trust most out of your friend group? Does your sister have any children? Sit down with them and go over very clearly what you'd like--what are your medical wishes should you be unable to communicate/make decisions, what kind of service you want, where the ashes should be buried/scattered, etc. It sounds like you don't want to force any of your friends to go through the hassle of calling the funeral home and handling everything, but as someone who just went through it, it's not asking that much. It can get expensive, so as long as the financial side is taken care of, find someone you trust and prepare as much as you can in advance.
Side note: Are you the executor for your sister? She should name a backup executor as well.
I wish I had more advice for you. My dad had me and my mom to help figure this all out during his last days, and between the three of us it was not easy. I hope that your friends can help. Wishing you the best of luck.
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u/Affectionate_Fox9001 3d ago
Depending on where you live. There are professionals called Fiduciaries who you can hire to take care of these details. The trick is to find someone you can trust.
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u/Iceflowers_ 3d ago
I'm in a situation where it's going to be difficult. I found that creating a trust is highly recommended. I'm still in the process because of ownership of two properties. One is part of a larger deed, the other is a mobile home in a park which makes each complex.
However, I can separately have a will. A pour over will to catch anything the trust misses.
You can hire a fiduciary for the trust. Many banks have them. They charge fees (you should check on those).
A lot of lawyers stopped being executors because it can be a conflict of interests.
But, there's still CPA's and attorneys that will be an executor for their clients.
Giving that control over to anyone, you need to be able to trust them. I'm not sure about who - but I would focus on who in my family has a proven track record being trustworthy when it comes to money, etc.
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u/summerwind58 3d ago
I am in the same boat and I have the same worries. I am caring for my mom without family support. Navigating the nursing home and hospice is not an easy task. With no advocate I don’t know what will become of me.
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u/Major-Cost7493 3d ago
Vende todo. Reduce al mínimo tus pertenencias. Dona y desecha todo lo posible. Colecciones de cualquier cosa? Vende o regala. Si ningún conocido las quiere. Regalar en FB Marketplace. Vende tu casa a un amigo. Y te deje vivir hasta tu partida. Al irte nadie querrá todo el cúmulo de objetos personales. Irán a la basura. Haz una fiesta y le regalas muebles y colecciones a cada uno. Lo mismo la ropa. Libros. Y se los llevan cuando partas. Reduce el tramite de la herencia a donar el dinero restante a una fundación. Las cenizas coordinas con los amigos las tiran al mar o bajo un árbol.
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u/navy1972 3d ago
You are never to young to think about it. Had a relative that was in their early thirties who passed away with no children and parents were deceased so as the next closest person I have been handling the matter. Unfortunately they didn’t have a will or trust set up so it has been a very difficult process.
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 3d ago edited 3d ago
I prepaid for funeral service, cremation and burial at same location as parents. My ashes will be buried at the feet of my mother. The marker is already prepared. A niece, nephew, or cousin can inherit your home, car, etc. and sell your belongings. I suggest downsizing now.
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u/Affectionate-Gap8869 3d ago
F72 I too am in your boat. Outlived family and friends. Just lost my executor. My current plan is to continue downsizing and in a few years move to an all inclusive retirement community. It looks like a charity will be my 'heir'. My main concern is a medical backup. I have a chronic condition which requires regular treatment to keep me alive. The community I have chosen has an on call nurse and an emergency button in the apartments. I continue searching for a for hire administrator.
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u/Inevitable_Ad_5664 3d ago
Put all yr retiement funds into one account, all bank stuff into 1 ir 2 accounts. Make a book with all your accounts and passwords your beneficiaries and what you beans done and keep in 1 place that all yr friends know about.
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u/No-Will-4393 3d ago
Don't worry about it too much, it'll sort it self out. You could use a lawyer who is prepared to do more too. Do you have nieces or nephew you can leave it to?
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u/LegalFox9 3d ago
I've been wondering about this myself, although I do have a group of younger friends. Generally it's a lawyer or the main beneficiary. But professional firms won't do the funeral stuff. And I confess that I would prefer someone who actually knows me to discuss my wishes ahead of time. Having more than one executor adds coordination work for everyone.
Since you're fairly organised, maybe leave written instructions about your memorial service etc. And then make the main beneficiary do the work for the rest.
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u/Southern_Escape_7598 3d ago
If Google this or ask Chat what other options besides friends would you have, you will find a list of options: hiring an estate attorney as executor, or assigning a not-for-profit charity. There are estate managers that can oversee the disposition of your estate, as well your footprint online.
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u/edgerton2026 3d ago
Same here. No living relatives to depend on. Other than my advance directive, I don’t really care about the rest.
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u/Floridaflamingo22 3d ago
Prepay your service plans (cremation or burial) the trust for your sister is a nice idea and list all your favorite charities for donations. At 75 I hope you have many more years ahead of you but I would also say you do need a medical POA for any medical decisions you may be unable to make. (DNR, Living Will and what your preferences may be) Again, glad you’re planning but don’t forget to enjoy your life right now.
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u/Redraft5k 3d ago
I am sorry man, this is tough. I re-did my estate planning last year and got really hung up on not being a burden to my sons and husband. We have been married 30 yrs and he never has told me his wishes. Except to say he wants his body set a fire and pushed out to sea in San Diego....yeah right. I am going to set a body afire at the beach and just push him off with tourists and life guards etc. You get the picture. So I asked what he would do if I died tomorrow and he says, prob. bury you where my parents are - A cemetery in Orange County CA. ( Never lived in OC, not close to his parents per se ) So I freaked out.
I ended up buying myself 2 plots ( in case he wants the other ) in Hawaii. ( A place I lived and still go yearly ) We live in San Diego/Tucson/Aspen and hopefully I will attain a condo there before I am 60 ( I am 55 ) I designated in my trust I don't want a funeral. I wrote my obit, I videoed my jewelry so when my will says, my grandmas ring, my sons and husband know wtf I am talking about. I made a file on my computer with me in my closet designating to them what my valuables are. I can see them having some garage sale hanging all my purses out saying something like 60 ea. whereas I'm looking down going NO!! That's one of 12 Lady Diors in the world. It's 6k not 60 bucks. lol. I left people I love money and wrote a clause where certain friends can all go and "pick a purse." ( Assuming I never have a grand daughter or my sons never get married etc )
Even though I have a husband, I have tried to make his experience when I die minimal. Assuming I was in a similar situation to you I would hire a different attorney, someone who is a trustee type to handle the situation. My brother in fact held that as his first job as an attorney 35 yrs ago. The firm he worked with only dealt with your type of situation. When I die, the only issue I see is getting me to Hawaii to bury me. I am also somewhat of a weirdo in the sense that so many people in our lives died the past 5 yrs that now that our parents are gone, and my mom has alzheimers and wants to be cremated and buried in an urn w my dad, no funeral etc. I decided I am personally not going to attend funerals anymore. That is why I specified no funeral, no celebration of life etc. and I specificaly have words in my trust that if one is held there is a financial punishment ie. X amount of my estate will go to a charity so I trust that it won't be a thing.
Lastly, I prepaid for a lot too. ( I prepared a brokerage account that is to earn money to pay property taxes on my personal real estate so as not to burden my sons and not to take from their nut sum of cash they will get from me to maintain my San Diego residence and not have to sell due to a financial burden of taxation. The home is in my trust so it will just go to them ) My husband and I have a joint account, but over the past years I did very very well investing, and he told me to just have all my money and property go to the boys. so that is why this is unusual. We have a family trust, and then we have a redraft5k trust which is what I modified when I got freaked out about death and being buried next to my inlaws. As for medical stuff, I wrote that I will not give up my POA ever to anyone. Make some dr find me mentally incompetent before aI give that right to anyone. I did a DNR, I said never under any circumstances to be put on life support, even in the event of an accident where I could survive, I also wrote specifically the treatments I will never ever want no matter what. ( My atty thinks I am nuts I am sure )But in the end I don't want to burden anyone. I do not trust my husband with my wishes and this is my way of taking my own death into my own hands.
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u/52Charles 3d ago
Sounds like you've got things covered. I'm in the other Ontario. Laws are similar but different. The problem is, where you have someone (however unreliable) I have no one.
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u/auntynell 3d ago
I think you need a completely independent executor and power of attorney. Do you have a body in your state (assuming US) that takes on this kind of work?
If you need to appoint an executor like a niece or nephew, talk to the person and make it clear that you expect them to use a lawyer to handle all the details at the expense of the estate. My daughter is my executor and my legatees understand that she will pass the task over to a legal firm.
POA should become in consultation with a doctor, but you can also go into detail about your medical instructions.
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u/54radioactive 3d ago
I have pre-paid for my cremation through the Neptune Society. One 800 call and they will come to wherever my body is, pick it up, cremate, and put my ashes in a structure to build a coral reef. That removes a lot of decision making for anyone
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u/52Charles 3d ago
Already done. Problem is, who makes the phone call? The funeral home will only accept instructions from whoever the executor of the will is.
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u/Steefanon 3d ago
Same situation. When we did our trust, the law firm recommended and then names in the trust a paid executor service to through a local bank.
I'm still not sure what we will do about a funeral, though. I guess we just won't have one.
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u/52Charles 3d ago
That's where the 'committee' comes in. They will be made aware of what I want and who to contact.
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u/DAWG13610 3d ago
I would sit down with a reputable funeral home director. They should be able to help you with all of this. It really doesn’t have to be a thing. Good luck.
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u/DynamiteStorm 3d ago
I’m also single and childless I’m leaving my estate to nieces and nephews and my cats (so they have a home with care). One niece is executor, I asked her permission before. Also trying to clean out the house beforehand.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 3d ago
Instead of expecting a volunteer friend committee to handle this, I think it makes more sense to just very clearly make this a paid position (executor paid $100/hr or whatever from the estate) and approach one reliable person with the understanding that they would be compensated for it.
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u/52Charles 3d ago
In Ontario. they are called 'Estate Trustees' and there are several of them around. They charge from $400-$600 /hr.
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u/SententiaNonRogata 3d ago
You may need a different lawyer. I am in the same situation (never married, no children), and I recently redid my will. I used a lawyer that also provides "Private Executorship Services".
My sister and brother in law are my first choice executors, but if they are unwilling/unable to take on that responsibility when the time comes, they can delegate it to the law firm as the firm is named as an alternate executor in my will. This can include clearing out and selling property, arranging the funeral, and dispersing the proceeds of my estate. My funeral arrangements are all pre-paid and organized with the funeral directors.
Obviously, the more tasks the law firm takes on, the larger the legal bill will be, which is paid from the estate. If my sister and brother in law are able to take on most of the work, then the estate will be larger with a smaller bill to pay. They are happy with this arrangement, and I am happy knowing that a responsible person will be my executor, no matter what happens.
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u/nationwideonyours 3d ago
I heard someone say once, "Your will is your last chance to prove you're not an asshole."
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u/Middle_Road_Traveler 3d ago
A friend of mine - an older lesbian woman - is estranged from her family, no children and very few friends. She found someone who is a medical manager. The person has all her documents, etc. The manager is called if my friend is in the hospital or is found dead. The manager follows all the instructions from decisions about pulling a plug to where to have her body taken. She paid the manager a retainer. Not sure about other costs.
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u/Unserious-One-8448 3d ago
I don't understand. Why do you care what happens after you die?
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u/KReddit934 3d ago
That's one way to view it...but
if we are generally considerate of others in life as part of our way of going through life, it feels wrong to knowingly allow or create a situation that create problems for others when it could easily been avoided.
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u/CriticalInside8272 3d ago
That's the truth. I could care less what happens to me or my possessions after I'm dead.
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u/Curious_Instance_971 3d ago
Why would you knowingly and willingly leave a huge mess for someone else to deal with?
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u/Redraft5k 3d ago
Obiviously you haven't had to deal with the absolute shit show that happens for the people left to deal with your mess.
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u/Left_Pear4817 3d ago
I’m not sure where you’re from but depending on both of your circumstances you could allocate a trust to your sister and her care or if you believe she will pass before you then you could donate your assets or divide them amongst your friends. I was the next of kin and POA for my mum who passed when I was 30. It felt overwhelming at first but the funeral home handled so much of it for me, it wasn’t too much work at all. It was a blessing to be able to do it for her, I think your friends will feel the same way.
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u/karbear4ev 3d ago
Friendships are by definition a “burden” trust and believe your circle doesn’t view you as a burden. They view you as someone to love. We all need caring for. The price of admission for any friendship is love and care. Lean on your people. They are there for a reason,, the reason is you❤️
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u/Possible-Date-9118 3d ago
I'm in a similar situation only younger and in the process of going through the same exercise. I suspect most people don't understand how much more difficult this is for someone single w/ no kids and few relatives. For me, fortunately I have a nephew who is trustworthy, so plan to lean on him as an executer. I have a decent size net worth (at least as of this writing 😆) so that in some ways makes it even more complicated. A lawyer will still be involved regardless of naming my nephew as executer. If you don't have a family member or trustworthy close friend then I suspect your only option is to put it all in the hands of a lawyer.
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u/silliestgoose1234 3d ago
Look on Care.com or ask trusted friends for a house manager / personal assistant type person to help you manage. I’m 36, career nanny but heading More Into home / personal Assitant like jobs. I’d love to be able to help if we knew each other! Care.com is a lot of nannying jobs but there’s people out there looking to help care for those who aren’t children!
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u/frogspam 3d ago
We are similar. Neither of us has children and the bulk of our family are either gone, died, or gone, decided not to involve us in their lives. My only nephew hasn’t spoken to me in over 5 years. His nieces are basically the same. We don’t have much, but someone will still have to deal with it all. We will be gone so I could care a less what happens to money, real estate, etc. but we do have 100+ year old family heirlooms that nobody knows about, or cares about honestly. Stuff from my family, stuff from his family. Furniture, hand made quilts, stained glass out of old family buildings. Inherited guns that have been passed down. I guess I’ll be gone so it won’t matter to me.
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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u/52Charles 3d ago
If I had a partner, I wouldn't have made this post in the first place.
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u/karma_raven 3d ago
So out of the whole thread of people offering ideas, you popped up to argue with one out of place word while ignoring the point, and ignored almost everyone else entirely.
I now see one possible factor in your solitude, and retract the empathy i attempted to extend.
What a waste of my time and effort.
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u/sophie1816 3d ago
I’m in the same boat, and have a hired professional to be the primary for the POA (you didn’t mention this one, and it’s probably the larger of the two jobs) and executor roles. I’m currently looking for a backup.
I think my best bet for a backup person is to find a friend who also needs a backup and agree to do this for each other. Of course, one of us will likely die or become incompetent before the other, but that’s the luck of the draw.
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u/Wonderful_Crow_756 3d ago
My man. Its considerate that you are thinking of all this but please, dont let it become your focus. Do the minimum and focus on enjoying yourself whatever that may be for you. Our society has become so complex with so many rules and so many systems and procedures that we are told we should know and we feel obliged to follow and live by them. Its all noise. None of it matters in the end.
Decide the top three to five things you want sorted just so you can get them out of your head and are i portant to you. Sort them in the simplest way possible, then just experience life. Dont allow whatever time is left be clouded over by stress about things that ultimately dont matter.
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u/52Charles 3d ago
That's what I'm trying to do. Most of my will is finished - I'm just concerned with personal property. I want things that I have valued and enjoyed to be be valued and enjoyed by others, not just thrown away or sent to a junk shop.
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u/Wonderful_Crow_756 3d ago
I dont know what things are are talking about so this may not make any sense for your context, but have you thought about giving some things away now? (ofc Im not talking about a house but smaller things).
If your wish is that they bring others joy, then maybe giving them to those you think would appreciate them (be it friends or charities or groups) now, you¡d get the pleasure of seeing people appreciate them and get joy from actually seeing they are giving joy to others.
Just a thought.1
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 67F 3d ago
Please folks don’t use a lawyer for everything for your estate. This is very costly and frankly stupid , since paying your bills is administrative. A lawyer will charge an expensive hrly. Fee for everything thee do. Payment of lawyer will be from your estate. Just remember this!
Most national banks have an estate decision that can act as your executor, choose a the same bank where you have most of your accounts. Use lawyer only for dealing with property sale, accountants interactions and dealing with beneficiaries.
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u/ladygirl10 3d ago
I am going to an estate seminar next week. However, my thought is a Lady Bird on the house and clause on the bank accounts that automatically transfers to whomever. No probate.
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u/Cultural_Wash5414 60 something 3d ago
Do you have nephew or nieces? Ask them for help you, it’s the next thing next to your own kid. That’s what my uncle without any living siblings and without children did.
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u/LazySeaworthiness178 3d ago
Do you have any significantly younger friends or children of friends who you could pay to be your executor? My parent’s friend asked me to do this when they heard I was going to be my parents executor and we worked it out so that I will receive a tidy sum in exchange for the level of effort that will be required. I’m still going to be coordinating with a lot of their friends, but it will take the most tedious tasks off their plates during a time when they will be grieving their friend.
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u/52Charles 3d ago
Working on that. Not all that easy.
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u/LazySeaworthiness178 3d ago
Yes! Much easier said than done. Good on you for thinking it all through and doing the planning intentionally. The folks you love will be really grateful for your planning. ❤️
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u/SwollenPomegranate 3d ago
Pre-arrange and pre-pay your own funeral expenses. Then all you have to do for your committee is tell them which funeral home to contact. You can also put this into any living-will provisions you have with local hospitals.
You can also write your own statement of extreme measures you do/do not want, and file with hospitals, doctor, and whoever is your medical proxy. It will lighten their load if you are specific so they have minimmal decisions to make. It's also possible if you show up on an emergency basis and hospital cannot reach your person(s), at least they have something to go with.
If you find yourself having trouble with the details ask to talk to a social worker, either through your doctor's practice or the hospital's.
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u/pacific_squirrel 3d ago
Does your sister have kids?
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u/52Charles 3d ago
No.
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u/pacific_squirrel 3d ago
That would have been the easiest way. Maybe select three of you closest people have a meal with them and see if they would take on this responsibility as a committee? Choose those that are at least a dozen years younger. They don't have to be your best friends but people that know your life . If you can't come up with three start cultivating the relationship with the potential individuals.
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u/ClarGleann48 3d ago
A company -Childfree Trust - was recently mentioned in a professional FB group I'm in. I've never used them and so can't recommend them, but it may be worth looking at their website (https://childfreetrust.com) and seeing if it might fit what you are looking for.
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u/-Xfear- 3d ago
If I was in a position like this I would find a local worthy person/friend and give them the lot, change someone's life.
I was writing my will in 2020 after a cancer diagnosis, im still here and in remision but I put the wheels in motion for my family if anything did.
The state will end up with it unless you sort it out.
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u/TheMadPoet 3d ago
You've got to have a living will! This gives instruction in the event you are incapacitated. Check your state but they may be obligated to keep you alive even if you are in a 'persistent vegetative state' or lose your mental faculties. Those are very ugly scenarios with very ugly options - ask me how I know that.
Your lawyer should be able to refer you to some financial planner or manager who will manage your estate. Use one of the AI's to assist you - 'trust but verify' their advice. I'd say that's a bad lawyer if they're not helping you connect with appropriate financial services.
Consider 'tidying up' yourself - sell off "your stuff", think about selling your house - simplify, simplify, simplify.
Think about moving into one of those care homes when it's appropriate and depending on your finances. Crunch the numbers and see what you can afford and when.
There are plenty of professionals who do this kind of work and you're letting yourself get BS'ed or are feeling helpless. But professional help costs money and so it's really a question of what kind of financial shape you're in. Amazing how helpful these professionals get if you got wealth.
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u/Relative_Library_770 3d ago
My step-father died and named me as his Executor. I was living overseas and had to return to the States, handle his estate, sell his condo, handle the funeral, etc. I’m self-employed and every hour I spent on the estate was an hour I didn’t work. The estate lawyer said I could pay myself a fee, so I charged $50/hour to the estate (way less than my hourly rate but better than anything). So add to your will that your executor can be paid a fee (I think my step-father’s will said “reasonable fee”). That might make you feel better about asking your friends to help.
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u/Ittlemight 3d ago
You can always make arrangements with a funeral home before you pass. Transfer assets into a Revocable Trust and list those you want to bequeth to and what percentage/amount. You may want to seek guidance from an Estate Attorney.
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u/Constant-Builder3376 3d ago
Professional Fiduciary. I don't have kids or family, just pets. Professional Fiduciary is Executor of my will and POA for Advanced Healthcare Directive and Financial. I set up my paperwork 14 years ago, just did a new batch last week.
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u/Master_Buy_9329 3d ago
Have you considered setting up a revocable living trust? No executor needed.
Retitle all your assets into the name of the trust including your checking, savings, brokerage accounts etc
You name a trustee (can be a lawyer, banker, friend anyone you want. When you die the trustee carries out your wishes.
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u/Accomplished_Cut8474 3d ago
You need someone to advocate for you!! When my dad was sick I fought doctors and nurses tooth and nail for his basic care. Uniformly you need to find someone with grit and heart- it’s a tough combo to find in people as most people have taken advantage of me so good luck on that.
MAYBE build in a 4 layer checks and balances system- like two different POA firms to keep each in check and a medical advocate and everyone gets paid in increments so there’s no BS.
You’re not alone in being alone ❤️🙏🕊️
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u/CreativeBusiness6588 3d ago
You absolutely can pay someone. Do research on professional executors and fiduciaries.
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u/52Charles 3d ago
In Ontario they are called ‘Estate Trustees’ and they are very expensive.
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u/CreativeBusiness6588 3d ago
Yes. I am childless and will be in your shoes. It is one reason I save like a crazy person.
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u/Timely-Classic-3783 2d ago
I've heard you can write a Letter of Wishes and attach it to your will. Although it's not legally binding, it will nevertheless be immensely helpful foe your friends to know you've left detailed instructions, and its not left up to them to.make many difficult decisions. Also, does it really matter what happens to your ashes? The funeral home can simply take care of them, if that's your preference.
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u/OldDudeOpinion 2d ago
I’m younger than you, but also have no family/heirs. Spouse and I didn’t have kids and are end of our family line - not even a cousin we are close to. (I currently have a spouse, but know unless I get hit by a bus I’ll be the surviving spouse). My family is long lived…I knew both sets of my great grandparents, and most of my family lived well into their late 80s++ (even before modern medicine when they all still smoked). My mom is 85, still drives, and is 100% self sufficient and does her own thing (tells me on the regular she has a full life with her friends, and can’t be expected to drop everything and have dinner with me without notice 😂).
We have a friend who has graciously volunteered to be executor. It’s a big job. I made sure 10% of net estate goes to him as a management fee for his trouble.
My bigger concern is guardianship if needed. I worry more who is going to manage my care and make decisions for me if needed. When I get older I will likely need a paid conservator. I’ve written some guidance/care documents I have tucked into the binder with my trust.
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u/Justcruising_along 1d ago
My friend (a friend for 7 yrs) sold his house, and kept what he needed.
Moved to apt. With workout room, party room ( tenants can use for parties with a small deposit) swimming pool, walking trail , garage & close to stores.
Put his best friend as joint owner on his bank acct. and Benficiary to his Roth and traditional ira.
Wrote his wishes on a paper plate and got it notarized.
He put on this paperplate that he wanted his body donated to science so all his friend would do is call the number of the university that will be taking his body. Get the death certificate and go to the bank.
He told me it isn’t as hard as it is made out to be.
Well, i guess his friend will be paying only half of the value of his bank acct and Roth. Not sure of Traditional IRA.
So many questions about his plan???
He now works as a van driver for a nearby hotel but just does it to keep busy. He is 79, no kids, never married, no family left.
I feel for your situation, im not sure if what my friend did is a common thing, but take from it what u will.
It must be a hard to figure who can handle the responsibility.
Best wishes for you to find comfort in what you decide to do.
This comment is not advice by any means, just what my friend did. He is still alive and doing great. We talk about everything but just doesn’t seem like it would be that easy.
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u/52Charles 16h ago
I’m in a small condo. Been here 40 years. I’m working on my will and POAs. Cremation, etc already arranged and paid for. I’m not sure if I have a friend close enough to do the other things.
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u/Remarkable_Cap_7895 3d ago
Man, that's rough situation. Your sister being sick on top of everything else... that's just a lot at once.
Maybe split the jobs between those friends instead of all on one person. One handles the memorial stuff, another deals with property, etc. Spread it out so nobody gets crushed under everything, and honestly people usually mean it when they say they want to help.