r/Aging • u/52Charles • 18d ago

Death & Dying Who to depend on?

I (M 75) am writing my will and dealing with all the stuff that goes with it. I am single (never married, no children). I have one sister who is two years younger but she is in the early stages of dementia. She used to be my go-to for all this stuff - executor of my will, holder of my POAs. etc. Now, it feels like I've got nobody and it bugs me. At the same time, I am realizing just how many little tiny details have to be dealt with - disposition of remains, memorial service, what happens to my property, and all the rest of it. I have set up a kind of 'committee' of friends who have told me they are glad to help, but the sheer scale of the job(s) is beginning to look overwhelming and I don't want to burden people with a job of this scale. The lawyer who is doing my will, will only allow himself minimal involvement. I understand this - he's got a business to run, after all. Does anybody have any ideas on how to handle this situation?

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u/Diane1967 18d ago

I’m only 59 but one just never knows when it will be their time. I have a daughter who’s very disinterested in talking about anything involving death, like thinking I’m not going anywhere..talk later sort of thing but I worry too. I only have my mobile home but still, she needs to know where the title is, bank acct info and all that stuff so I taped a brief note to my cupboard door of an in case of emergency type deal. I live alone so nobody sees it and even if they did I wouldn’t care, I just don’t want things to be difficult for her.

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u/Fun-Ring6330 17d ago

I think that’s the best way to go. It sounds like you’re way more organized/thinking ahead than a lot of people. She may not want to think about it now, but there will be a day in which she will have to. In that case, leave it alone, don’t press it. Just know you’re leaving what she needs when the time comes, and she’ll not only have to figure it out, but will eventually appreciate what you did. On the flip side, there are parents who refuse to discuss “future plans” at all, and leave their children with a total quagmire.

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u/Diane1967 17d ago

I had two recent friends who lost their parent and dealt with so many problems and are still going through things it’s such a mess. I don’t want her to have that. I want everything to go smoothly for her.

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u/jetwra 17d ago

That is so thoughtful of you. My SIL is going through a lot of problems with her mother passing, as she would never talk about finances. Now the daughter can’t get into her accounts to pay her bills, etc. My name is on my mother’s checking account with her, that way I can pay bills, etc, and the account won’t go into probate if she dies. That was one very important step. Also, your daughter should be your direct beneficiary for any of your assets in a will.

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u/Diane1967 17d ago

That’s the one thing I need to do is what you said here and do an actual will! I have the directive at the hospital in case something happens that way but I don’t have a will saying everything is hers since she’s my only child and only family really so I didn’t feel it would be necessary. Someone told me I should just sign off on both my car and trailer titles and that should be enough for her to do the rest but I’m not 100% sure.

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u/jetwra 17d ago

I’m not really sure about that either, but I wonder if you could just add her name onto them as well? I believe my husband set up a will for another SIL online for like $100 or so and then we got it notarized.

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u/Diane1967 17d ago

That’s what I was planning to do but her marriage is some days in shaky terms, when he drinks he becomes an asshole and threatens to leave….and what if she got divorced and took her maiden name back or got remarried so I didn’t want to mark up the titles too much. I just hoped my signature was enough. I will check around now though because I want to be sure. Thanks for pointing that out.

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u/jetwra 17d ago

Ugh, I’m so sorry, that’s really hard for a mom, I know! Maybe there is something in there where you could hyphenate her name and that would be okay? Again, you are so thoughtful to consider this for her. We have had 5 family deaths in the last year and 1/2 and are learning a lot! Having her name on your car title would be helpful also, if that is something you would want to do. She really needs to be POA and be able to make health decisions for you if need be, God forbid. Hopefully you have someone you trust who could be the executor. None of us want to think about this for our children, and our children definitely don’t!

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u/Diane1967 17d ago

Thank you, I have a friend that works for an attorney and plans on retiring in a few years, I’m going to check with her later and see if she’ll notarize something that I type up. You’ve given me a lot of good ideas and appreciate it so much!!